Dumbest Dungeon

The rest of the day after the dullahan left was spent mostly in the guild hall as our compatriots celebrated our survival. Aqua was in her element but I made little effort to join them, instead my mind was filled with concern for the days ahead. I admit I didn't know for a fact that the general would return in a week, he never specifically said so, but my gut told me that we would have to deal with him again soon. So while the beer and wine flowed freely I sat with my glass of water and worried.

As Aqua frolicked about the building, laughing, singing and waving her fans about I fretted.

As Megumin huddled into her bench, still so unsettled by Darkness' avoided fate she had not begged for a sip of alcohol even once I anticipated.

As Darkness tried to reassure the Archwizard that she was hale and hearty I made my decision and stood up, drawing their attention as I excused myself to speak with Luna, if anyone could help or at least point me in the right direction it had to be her.

I stepped around a small puddle of ale left by an adventurer with sandy blonde hair as he tried fruitlessly to argue a replacement out of the person who had supposedly bumped into him whilst sitting down, past the same duo arm-wrestling as two weeks ago if memory serves and in between two tables of separate parties loudly proclaiming what the 'shoulda, coulda, woulda' done to the dullahan if they had the chance, to meet the guild's senior staff member. As usual she sat at her counter, an island of calm in this wild land we call the guild hall amidst the storm of booze and testosterone.

She straightened at my approach, professional mask in place as she asked if I needed help with anything. "I'm sorry." Blue eyes blinked in surprise at my words, lips curved into a small 'o' and for a second I wondered when was the last time an adventurer had apologised to the woman but there were more important matters at hand. "I need information and you're my best bet, can I bother you for a while?"

The next morning I woke before the rooster could finish his early-morning cry and set to waking my companions. Aqua was the hardest to rouse, after several gentle shakes and soft words failed I skipped a few levels and went straight to the classic 'splash of water on the face' method. She smiled absently, still half asleep and rolled over, not bothered in the slightest by the water that soaked her hair, clothes or blanket. I shouldn't have been surprised, the others may not believe her but she is still the goddess of water after all.

Eventually all four of us were up and ready for the day with varying levels of readiness, I lead my team to the marketplace for a breakfast on the go and then a few more stops to pick up extra food and a few other bits and bobs. I had learned everything I felt necessary from Luna yesterday, including the location of a few stores that sold things necessary for a travelling adventurer.

The girls knew something was up after I insisted on each of them carrying their share of the load, Megumin was the first to speak up when I told her to pick out a satchel or pack to use. "Johno, why do I need this? How far away is this quest we're going on?" She looked quite out of her depth, scrawny arms poking out the sides of a rugged leather backpack wider than she was. "We're not going on a quest." Without giving them a chance to ask I continued, taking some amusement in their confusion. "We're headed to a place called 'Keele's Dungeon', it's a day and a half travel each way so first off I want us to have everything we might need." Aqua coughed a word that sounded suspiciously like 'prepper', she was ignored.

Upon hearing the name of our target Megumin's attitude did a complete one-eighty. "'Keele'? As in the legendary Archwizard Keele, who fought off an entire country?" According to local legend, centuries ago a powerful wizard betrayed his kingdom, kidnapped the princess and fled the nation. The king in his fury declared the man an enemy of the state and put a massive bounty on his head, enough that despite the wizard's reputation mercenaries came from all over to hunt the criminal alongside the knights and soldiers whose duty it was to see him face justice.

They failed.

This lone Archwizard despite being outnumbered by the thousands, driven from his home and chased all across the continent managed to not only survive but built a refuge, an impenetrable dungeon that thwarted all attempts to conquer it. Not only then but has continued to do so to this day, because even though his story has been told for many years the wizard's final resting place has never been found.

Maybe we would have better luck but I wouldn't count on it.

It was a pleasant day outside Axel. The sky was clear, the road was dry and the gentle sunlight warmed my skin and raised my spirits. It was only the incessant whining from one member of my party that brought the mood down.

"Your vitality's higher than mine, how can you be tired already?"

Aqua pulled on the straps of her backpack, moaning about the monumental discomfort from being forced to walk on her own two legs. "But we've been walking for hours!" Sweat dripped down her features at an exaggerated pace, I assumed it was due to her nature as a goddess because there is no way someone whose physical stats were that high could be that out of shape. "And we'll be walking the rest of the day too, so stop wasting oxygen."

It would be convenient if we could reach all our mission targets in a day or less but the nation of Belzerg isn't that small. Since this was the first time we had travelled more than a few hours from Axel we needed some new equipment. Leather satchels were only the beginning - oilskins, thick blankets, lightweight ropes, pots and pans plus a few other sundries. I'm sure we'd figure out what else we need while on the road but for now it was enough to keep us dry, warm and fed. We can pick up anything we forgot next time.

Eventually - but not soon enough for Aqua's liking, I called a halt so the girls could have a break. Darkness still had plenty of energy but Aqua and Megumin needed a rest badly, the goddess was soaked in sweat from head to toe and the wizard was hunched so deeply under the weight of her pack she had the shape of an old lady. With a pair of relieved groans they dropped to the ground and removed their burdens, one immediately opened her pack and began rifling through it to the sound of glass while the other tried to massage some life back into her abused shoulders.

"Aqua, what the hell is that?" The goddess looked up at me, lips wrapped around the rim of a bottle that I definitely did not put in her bag and took several more swigs before gracing me with an answer. "Wine." Then resumed guzzling, slightly quicker at my disapproving stare. "Did you buy that with the money I gave you?" Not even breaking contact with the glass she nodded, crystalline liquid disappearing rapidly as her throat bobbed up and down. "The money you said was for 'necessities'?" The last volume gurgled down the slender neck of the bottle before she finally separated, a smack of the lips and a relieved gasp at her relief at finally being able to refuel. She licked her bare lips for any remaining trace of alcohol even as she reached inside her bag for another bottle. "Of course." Judging from the rattle there were several more where that came from. I took a breath and clenched my teeth before deciding no, not this time. "God dammit Aqua!" The blue haired young woman startled and dropped her second bottle on the ground, the valuable contents splashing onto the dry soil, compacted by generations of traffic to near-cement hardness. "What!? What did I do?" Then with a desperate cry attempted to save what she could of the wine.

The only reason I gave her that money when she still owes me a hundred grand is because when she said necessities in that impatient, 'you should already know this' tone I assumed she was talking about toiletries, the kind men get laughed at by their mates for buying. But no, apparently in Aqua's mind booze is so important that... who am I kidding, it's Aqua, of course she'd do this. I shook my head and turned away, refusing to let myself get angry. "I'm putting that on your loan, and next time you buy grog with my money I'm gonna drink the lot right in front of you."

I ignored her indignant squawk and focused my attention on my other two teammates, wisely they had decided to eat proper food rather than a liquid lunch and were both tucking in to the sandwiches we bought this morning. "Darkness, once you're done eating take Megumin's bedroll and add it to your pack. Until then rest up, we've got half an hour." The blonde woman nodded, mouth full of half-chewed bread and toppings as our younger teammate let out a sigh of relief.

After lunch we spent the rest of the afternoon moving, by the time we had only an hour of sunlight left I decided to set up camp.

It is quite inconvenient, being the only one in a party who knows how to fight.

Darkness as a noble, should be educated enough to recall historical battles and how her ancestors survived the violent events that forged the kingdom. Instead she ignored the lessons of the past and recklessly threw herself at the enemy in the hope that she would be overwhelmed, defeated and made into a plaything.

Megumin on paper, is the second-smartest member of our little quartet. Despite this she subscribes to what is apparently the Crimson Mazoku school of warfare which consists of making grandiose, overly dramatic speeches before obliterating the enemy with overwhelming firepower.

Aqua once fell in the river because she was chasing a bird that stole a berry from her plate.

Thus it was my responsibility to teach these three the basics of combat. I wasn't expecting miracles, especially in a week, but I hoped that the threat of Axel being destroyed would encourage them in their training. Maybe I'm just an optimist.

I wish I could accurately describe Darkness' ability with a sword but the best I can come up with is 'abysmal'. Her aptitude for the art of swordfighting could best be compared to an unco-ordinated four year old playing tee-ball for the first time. She knew which part of the sword to hold and understood the concept of 'stick them with the pointy end', but had significant trouble putting it into practice. "Again." I watched as Darkness readied her blade and swung at her opponent, in this case a tree which employed the briliant tactic of remaining almost completely motionless as the deadly steel carved through a space in the air several inches shy of the vulnerable flora. A rising slash ruffled the wings of a mosquito that had buzzed too close, several horizontal slashes were delivered with all the grace of an old sitcom wife wielding a broom against a cockroach and finally a thrust that a one-armed geriatric with Parkinson's could be proud of.

I couldn't help but feel that the tree was mocking us with its unscathed form.

With a sound almost identical to that of a shovel cutting through topsoil the tip of a two-handed broadsword that any blue-painted Scotsman would have been proud to carry into battle was planted in the earth. Its wielder was panting and drenched in sweat but her stance was strong and eyes alert. "Darkness, do you own a shield?" She slapped a hand to her heaving chest, she was far from exhausted but we had been at this long enough to put a dent in her impressive stamina. "Of course not, it is my honour to place my body on the line to protect my allies!" In other words, using a shield to absorb any damage would mean she would be denied the pain she loved so much. "Buy a shield." She opened her mouth and I shut her down before she could speak. "No arguments!" Her jaw clicked shut and I fought the urge to facepalm as her eyes sparkled with excitement. How the hell am I supposed to chastise someone who gets off on being treated like dirt.

Since the sun had almost completely set I decided that was enough and looked to see how the other two had gone in setting up camp, Darkness and I had organised our bedrolls and canvas flys in a few minutes while our less fit teammates had immediately dropped their packs and all but collapsed the second I called stop. Megumin had done adequately in setting up her tent and even had a fire going under a pot of meat and vegetables, Aqua on the other hand was resting her head on her pack, an empty bottle of mead at her side and the priest handbook I had given her to read covering the top half of her face as she snored. Typical.

Bugger it, it's late, I can work on her tomorrow.

After a cold breakfast we packed up the campsite and quickly headed off, the dungeon was supposed to be a day and a half's walk from Axel so after setting a decent pace that inevitably slowed down after a few hours we eventually reached it just before dusk. I was a little worried that Megumin might fall behind but she did well despite her obvious lack of regular exercise, the girl may be as thin as bamboo but she's a tenacious little thing. If we were still alive next week I decided we should all start training together, a bit of exercise should do them well.

Keele's Dungeon was well known throughout Axel and the nation but finally seeing it firsthand was not as awe inspiring as I had expected. Built into the side of a mountain the stones that had once stood strong and proud were crumbling, the paint long since faded and flaking away and the symbols and effigies that graced the entrance to its depths were weathered and stripped of anything of value by those who came before us. Despite all of this however it was still impressive, I wondered how a man on the run from an entire nation could possibly have the time or resources to build this. Magic, probably. A few golems to do the heavy lifting, earth spells to produce the stones... I don't think there's such a spell as 'Create Dungeon', that's a bit too much even for a fantasy world.

In the brief amount of daylight we had left I resumed training Darkness, Aqua I had quizzed on tactics as we walked, with predictably disappointing results. Half her answers were 'defeat them with my godly powers' and the other half were claims that fighting was my responsibility as her knight or Darkness' as the Crusader. So once again and with strict instructions that she was not allowed a sip of alcohol before she finished I ordered Aqua to read her goddamn pamphlet and try to understand just what a Priest's role in the party was. I swear, it's like playing Dungeons and Dragons with a boxer who's taken too many blows to the head. 'I punch the initiative'. Sure you do, buddy.

I hadn't brought much more than the essentials so for today's training I would need to do a tiny bit of woodwork. I gathered two branches of sufficient length and width and began trimming them of twigs and leaves with a short one-sided knife I had bought off Fred before we left, a tool instead of a weapon rather than risk damaging my folding knife. "What are you doing?" Darkness had briefly investigated the dungeon's facade and soon returned wearing a rather somber expression. To answer I threw her the stick I had completed. "We're going to spar, get ready." Her face lit up and eagerly she began removing her armour, despite the fact that I said nothing about that. I decided it wasn't worth mentioning.

Yesterday I had tested Darkness' offensive capabilities, today we were going to work on defence so after telling her to block everything she could I readied my weapon and began my assault.

What followed was simultaneously the best workout I've had since I came to this world and possibly the most enlightening, although Darkness couldn't hit a mountain if she were three feet from it she was surprisingly adept at blocking. It was far from perfect, she wasn't very quick and more than a few times I had to tell her to focus when she was getting a little too excited over the hits she had received but as a shield she was passable.

Both of us were sweating, as I raised my stick for an overhead strike Darkness brought her own up in defence, I brought it down once, twice, and on the third blow my weapon snapped to the sound of splintering wood. With a dull thwack the broken end bounced off the top of Darkness' head, still attached by a few strands of frayed timber. "Shit, you okay?"

With a heady grin my opponent assured me that she was well, to my relief but regardless it was time to call it quits, to her disappointment. "I can still fight, let us continue for a while longer." Wordlessly I held up the broken end of my weapon and dangled it in front of her, Darkness pouted more cutely than I thought she was capable of and finally lowered her stick. As I watched her pant in a mixture of exhaustion, pain and pleasure I thought it was a shame, if she was half as good with a sword as she was durable she'd actually make a decent fighter. "We have been marching all day you know, you've earned a rest." The errant Crusader made a small mewl of disappointment as I returned to our campsite.

Although calling it a 'campsite' was a bit too generous, seeing as the other half of our team had barely moved since we arrived. Megumin was slumped against her pack, the shoulder straps the only reason she was still upright and legs straight out in front as her head lolled tiredly. I took her bedroll from Darkness' pack and unrolled it next to her, gently easing the young girl out of her uncomfortable position before laying her down. Aqua had divested herself of her pack at some point and was scratching in the bare dirt with a stick, the priest booklet laying at her side forgotten or ignored. I was ready to give her an earful when I got a good look at what she had created.

I have seen art before, from paintings in galleries to sculptures in the street, murals on the sides of buildings and even sandcastles that would make Leonardo himself drop his brushes. Somehow, Aqua scratching in the dirt for half an hour surpassed them all. With nothing more than depth and shape she had created a patchwork sky of roiling clouds and a vibrant forest through which meandered a tranquil stream and next to it frolicked a pack of animals. Cat-rabbits? Rabbit-cats? Whatever they were they were resting, playing, drinking and swimming in the water passing through their land with a joy and frivolity that was clear in every line drawn.

"Bloody hell."

At the sound of my voice Aqua jumped and before I could stop her dragged her drawing implement over the drawing in panic, destroying it before quickly snatching up the small booklet and pretending to read. "Why'd you do that, that was brilliant!" The goddess vehemently denied doing anything wrong, she had been reading quietly this entire time! I just shook my head and decided to start dinner with a sigh.

Arranged seemingly randomly around the dungeon stood a collection of wooden totems, each one identical in its depiction of a bird of prey atop a boar atop a large cat. It was the first time I had seen anything like it in this world, though I did remember there was a pamphlet for the Witch Doctor class back in the guild. I took a break from eating as I turned to our resident religious expert. "Hey Aqua, do these totems mean anything?" A few of them had fallen over but I wasn't desperate or stupid enough to think throwing one on the fire was in any way a good idea.

Aqua paused in scraping her bowl of stew with the last crust of bread before taking a look around the clearing, casting her divine eyes over the objects, she turned back and shrugged. "Probably the work of some evil cult." That was a much shorter answer than I had expected. "Why do you say that?" Finally putting her empty bowl aside she placed a slender hand over her chest and spoke in a poor fool's impression of a regal tone. "Obviously those willing to worship any god besides the beautiful Aqua are heretics of the highest order."

Which of course started another argument with Darkness.

I awoke with a start, my heart pounding and mind addled in confusion, wondering what the hell woke me up, if it was a nightmare I had already forgotten it. And why was my head pounding? After a few seconds of laying in my bed like a confused burrito I heard something out of place, past the sounds of my teammates sleeping I could hear a clattering, jostling mess of noise coming from where the dungeon loomed. Realisation hit like a thunderbolt as I threw off my blankets and reached for my sword, calling out to my teammates as I focused mana in my left hand.

"WAKE UP, WE'RE UNDER ATTACK!"

A fireball blasted through the gloom, briefly illuminating a path that ended as it splashed against a shambling figure wearing ruined armour. Undead, a few dozen of them at least. The sudden flare ruined what night vision I had and I fought the urge to blink away dots of light as I cast again just so I could see what I was aiming at.

Darkness was up in seconds, her yellow tabard standing out almost as brightly as her golden hair in the darkness as she beheld our enemies. "Johnathan, allow me! Not one of them will get past even if they-" "Shut up and fight!" I interrupted, there is a time for speeches and being ambushed by enemies sure as hell isn't it. With an exuberant cry the Crusader charged at the small horde of undead, unintentionally shoulder charging one and tripping over its legs as she tumbled to a stop in the middle of the shambling army. Undeterred, in fact I think she was even more excited, Darkness brought her sword across in a mighty swing and surprisingly managed to shatter three of them into piles of rusted armour, bones and rotted flesh. "I-I hit them? Johnathan, I hit them!" She was so shocked by her own success that she called out to me rather than continue fighting, but to my confusion the monsters completely ignored the fresh meal standing amongst them and continued in my direction without a hint of self-preservation or concern for the enemy in their midst.

It was a surprise, but even Darkness couldn't miss when she was completely surrounded. "Great, now keep swinging!" The sheer joy and excitement she was giving off almost made being woken up worth it as with reckless abandon Darkness continued laying into the undead that huddled around her like waves around a stone, the cacophony of steel and bone acting as the last alarm of our smallest member. Megumin stuck her head out of her tent, eyepatch askew, to see what on earth was going on, when she saw what we were up against she quickly ducked back in before bursting out with her staff in hand, loudly declaring that only cowards attack under cover of night.

"You think the darkness is your ally but I was born in it, moulded by it. I did not see the sun until I was already a woman!"

I cast another pair of fireballs as the zombies drew closer, the laughter and ringing of steel on steel letting me know that Darkness was still going. "No explosions, just wake Aqua up!" The Archwizard pouted at me for a moment but turned to obey, the dim glow of her eyes moved towards Aqua's tent from which snoring could still be heard.

One minute later the undead were completely dead, their souls purified and sent on by a twin of the magic circle Aqua had conjured back in Axel's cemetery. Megumin began feeding more wood to the fire as Darkness picked her way through what remained of our enemies, mostly footprints and the odd rusted weapon because for some strange reason the Turn Undead spell seems to atomize its targets leaving naught but a final haunting cry that sounded like 'Ho-eh'. Magic is weird.

Finally with a chance to catch our breath Darkness lowered her sword and I rested against a fallen totem as Aqua waited for more praise and Megumin, after taking one last wary look at the dungeon's dark interior started to brew another pot of tea. "Good work, all of you." Aqua preened as Darkness gave a small smile and offered a hand to help me up.

Back at the fire I retrieved the notice we had taken from the board describing Keele's Dungeon, attempting to read in the meagre light. Nowhere did it warn about the chance of a horde of monsters waiting for your arrival and at the base of the page sat the single skull stamp that was supposed to mean this would be an easy task, next to it was a sprig of leaves in green ink - a symbol of the ingredients that can be gathered and right there on the bottom left-most corner was a clearly printed 'Level 3'. "How the hell is this a beginner dungeon?!" A goddamn flood of undead before we even set foot in there. A normal party of rookies would have been forced to flee, if they had been caught inside they would have been torn apart.

Movies may make it look easy but one man just can't fight a mob, numbers always win. But then why did those undead ignore Darkness even though she was right among to them and head towards us? My eyes tracked over the others, an Archwizard and an Archpriest, could it be they were drawn to magical power over physical attributes? Maybe, virus zombies in games will eat whatever they can get their hands on but magically risen ones seem to focus on either the closest or the one with more aggro.

Dammit there I go again, trying to apply game logic to the real world.

But on that topic Darkness had pulled out her adventurer's card and was looking it over excitedly before proudly declaring that she had leveled up. "Great, now put some points into swordsmanship." Some of the excitement left her at that, blue eyes stared imploringly as she tried to have her way. "But I finally have enough points for Decoy." I shrugged, we were about to enter an enclosed space, if she wanted to be a bulwark all the Crusader had to do was stand in a doorway and nothing could get past her. "So learn it next time."

Darkness being true to her nature did not want to learn how to wield a sword when she could be the centre of attention for every violent best in eyesight. "Don't tell me you actually enjoy being a total unco." Blue eyes blinked in confusion at the unfamiliar term. "'Unco'?" Inwardly I grimaced as she awkwardly repeated the word, silently cursing the fact that untranslatable words came out in English as the bounty poster was refolded and returned to a pocket on my left leg. I was about to explain the meaning before Aqua interrupted.

"It wouldn't help anyway, undead hunt by sensing life force so skills like Decoy or Hide don't work on them."

Sometimes, just rarely, Aqua actually manages to come up with a pearl of wisdom, this was one of those times. Both for helping convince Darkness to learn an offensive skill and for letting me know that Hide has a weakness.

"And if that's not a good enough reason I'm making it an order."

After a while we managed to settle down, the adrenaline as well as the post-combat stress had faded to the point we were willing to go back to sleep but before anyone could move to their bedrolls I gave my orders. My first instinct had been for myself or Darkness to take the first shift but then I realised that I have no idea how to tell time at night - luckily I still carried my watch, inside my bag where it was relatively safe. I decided Aqua would take the first shift, then me and finally Darkness. It was the only way I could set my alarm to equal shifts without having to explain what kind of magic device I had that could tell time so accurately.

I wish I could say I was lucky that they have twenty-four hour days here but I'm sure that's just part of someone's grand design.

Yesterday I neglected to have any of us stay awake, believing it would be safe enough near Axel and with my Danger Sense, but now that we had already been attacked once I wasn't taking chances. "Aqua, you've got first watch. After three hours I'll relieve you and then Darkness can take over for me." She grumbled a little but accepted when I pointed out that not only was she the best suited if more undead showed up it also meant she could stay up and enjoy her wine the goddess quickly changed her tune. "But if I wake up and you're passed out drunk there'll be consequences, got it?" The goddess waved dismissively at my threat, assuring me that she had a very high alcohol tolerance and would be fine. I was not filled with confidence.

"Wha-what kind of consequences?!" Unexpected but not unsurprisingly Darkness forced her way into the conversation, her body wound tight as a spring as she leaned towards me, her imagination racing at the mere mention of punishment. "What kind of cruel and terrible things will you do to us, tell me!" Nope, not going to bed with that on my mind again. I bid the girls good night and ignored further calls for details as I climbed into bed and set my watch before I could let myself drift to sleep.

"Was that a bird?"

In the morning I allowed the girls to sleep in, we all needed it after that battle. Aqua was still awake when I woke for my shift, though quite sloshed and stumbled to her bedroll before complaining that it was cold and crawled over to mine, seeking the residual body heat. I let her be. When it was time for Darkness to take over I took the goddess' unoccupied bedding for my own rather than copy her behaviour and be forced to listen to Darkness asking what I intended to do in her bed. Having to deal with both that and her smell would surely have had me alert in a very unwanted manner. When the morning sun began creeping into my eyes the Crusader was still awake and aware, watching for threats.

I stretched, arms and head poking out one end of the blankets while my sock-covered feet escaped the other before a yawn cracked my jaw. "Morning." Darkness was already facing me, her focus drawn by the noise I was making. "Good morning." She returned the greeting with a smile before returning her attention to the lurking presence of the dungeon. After ducking into the bushes for a few minutes it was time to start breakfast.

Megumin was roused easily enough, the clattering of cookware had the young wizard rubbing sleep out of her eyes. As I watched and waited for the billy to boil Aqua was still snoring away, I decided if she hadn't woken up by the time breakfast was ready I would wake her myself. Darkness meanwhile was still gazing at the dungeon eagerly. The bacon I had preserved with a cast of Freeze was sizzling on the hotplate whilst Megumin was retying the bindings that normally covered her right leg.

I held my tongue for a while but eventually had to ask. "What's with the bandages?" Crimson eyes peered at me in the morning sun, a look of challenge on her pale features. "Do you have a problem with the way I dress?" I shook my head and took a moment to flip a few crispy rashers of salted pork. At least I think it was pork. "Not really, I just don't get the appeal. Or fashion in general." Trends and brand names were never really that important to me, I was satisfied as long as my clothes were comfortable and not covered in oversized logos. Megumin muttered something that sounded suspiciously like 'I noticed'.

Having finished reapplying her leg's coverings the Archwizard stood, taking up her staff before striking a pose. "A Crimson Mazoku must always garb themselves appropriately!" I looked her up and down - oversized wizard's hat, eyepatch, wide belt that rested on her slender waist and carried nothing, red dress that hung off her frame making her look like a little girl wearing one of mummy's shirts, cloak with yellow trim, fingerless gloves and a single black stocking twinned with clean bandages leading to leather boots. "And 'appropriately' would mean...?" The staff was raised aloft, garnet manatite catching the sun's rays to glow a misty red. "Coolness!" I shook my head, a half grin on my lips as I checked the bacon before letting it cook further. My teammate continued on. "Red and black are the coolest colours obviously, but small details and additions are what truly set the Crimson Mazoku apart as masters of style."

Darkness was giving the young girl an unsettled look as she espoused the superiority of her clan's supposed fashion sense. "And not to mention the benefit of asymmetry. Perfectly matching after all is perfectly ordinary, the differences are what make an outfit!" I decided not to encourage her. "If you say so."

The pot was boiling away nicely, I was just about to pour myself a cuppa when I heard the words that all men dread. "You could use a new wardrobe yourself, Johno." I froze, before very slowly turning to face the Archwizard like a teen in a horror movie who just realised he wasn't alone in the room. "When we get back you should let me choose some things for you to wear." Darkness' attention was fully focused on the two of us now, the labyrinth's presence almost completely forgotten as a voice spoke close enough to make me jump. "And you should buy us some stuff while you're at it."

Aqua was sitting next to me, somehow she had not only woken up, but brushed her hair, smoothed her outfit and snatched every single piece of bacon that had been cooking without making a sound or me being any the wiser. "Oi, that's for everyone!" The plate, dripping with grease and flavour was pulled away defensively. "I did the most work yesterday, I deserve a reward!" I reached out and grabbed one corner of the enamelled steel, attempting to save at least some of it from the greedy goddess. "Actually, Darkness and I held them back while you were sleeping, if you think you could do better on your own why don't I throw you in the dungeon right now?!"

After descending an ungodly amount of stairs we finally reached the main level of Keele's Dungeon, in fact it seemed to be the only level. If I hadn't received a map of the dungeon from the guild I would have been surprised, years of gaming had taught me that any dungeon worth its loot had at least three or five levels. And adventures that were nothing but dungeons had fifteen or more. Thankfully we're not facing off against the Lord of Terror here, just a bunch of low-level demons and undead.

The first monster we fought in the dungeon was a single gremlin, a low level demon common in dungeons or places where dark rituals have been held. We were over halfway down the stairs when it attacked, attracted by the sound of our descent but thanks to the noise made by its own reckless ferocity as well as my gift it was greeted with a quick cast of Create Water and Freeze then finished off with a blade to the back after it cracked its skull on the stairs. Sometimes the best way to fight is not to fight at all.

However the truth of this world was that the most efficient way to level up was to kill monsters. And occasionally eat them. Even the relatively normal vegetables of this land give experience when consumed, like the flying cabbages or those annoying carrot sticks that dart around the plate when you reach for them. The victory of finally catching the little buggers only adds to the pleasure of eating them. I don't think anyone in our party was desperate enough to try eating undead or demons so our only option was to slay them, which is easier said than done. Especially when you have an overzealous goddess of water in your party who has a 'shoot first, ask questions never' policy when it comes to her racial enemies.

"Aqua, would you kindly leave some monsters for the rest of us?"

Buoyed by her success last night Aqua had been wiping out enemies by the dozens ever since we made it down here, with liberal use of Turn Undead, Exorcism and God Blow. Is this really the same goddess who runs from giant frogs?

"You're not suggesting that a Goddess leave undead alone are you?" I shook my head. "Of course not, but I want Megumin and Darkness to get some leveling done too." While I didn't want to complain since things were going so easily the fact is that if Aqua's the only one getting kills then the rest of us would be lucky to level up at all. Aqua wasn't happy but agreed to let her teammates get their turn, for a while at least and cast a few buffs at my instruction.

It took a little thought but eventually I had decided we would traverse the dungeon in diamond formation with myself at the front and Darkness at the back with Aqua and Megumin in the middle. Keeping our two casters out of danger was a no-brainer, the tricky part was figuring out who should take point. Do I take the rearguard so my danger sense can warn us if something is coming from behind or take point so I can alert the group of any ambushes or traps ahead. Even though the dungeon was well-travelled - as proven by the map - I decided my place was at the front, where a leader belongs. So far it had served us well enough, even though the numbers we were facing were close to what had to deal with last night we made it through the first several rooms practically unscathed.

My only complaint would be that my left arm was starting to get a little tired from carrying the torch. After the horde last night I tried to save using too much mana so instead of using Tinder to see in the gloom I carried a lit torch in my left hand. It also helped my teammates keep their hands free but my arm wasn't used to being held up for so long, there was no way I could carry the damned thing all day like this. My sword could at least be sheathed but I had no way to store a lit torch, a headlamp would be pretty useful about now but obviously I didn't have one so I decided to get creative, maybe with a little MacGuyvering...

The latest collection of undead and other monsters had been dealt with quickly, by Aqua for the former and myself with Darkness' help for the latter. The few that I managed to incapacitate or immobilise without killing were left for Megumin to finish off, to my surprise she was quite keen on it, claiming that back in her home village it was common practice for her teachers to use this method so their students could farm experience safely. From amongst the corpses I picked out a rusted spear, most likely taken from some fallen adventurer, its haft was still solid despite its obvious lack of care.

The head was steel and leaf-shaped but that wasn't what I was after, a blade made of wind split the wooden shaft cleanly to leave me with a five foot length to work with. I asked Darkness to move closer so I could see clearer in her own torchlight as I rummaged through my pack for one of the few items from home I managed to bring with me. In a few short minutes I was done, the base of the former spear nestled comfortably in my left hand as I rested the shaft against my shoulder, its greater length having raised the flaming end of oil-soaked cloth safely above my head.

The girls looked curiously at the staff/torch I had created, Megumin's crimson gaze was focused on the silver strips that held it together. "Johno, what is that?" I tapped a finger against the bindings, simple but effective and solid enough to last for days of use. "Duct tape, it's a nifty little thing from my homeland used for quick patch jobs when you don't have the time or tools for a proper fix."

The torchlight cast uneven shadows on the walls that warped and shifted as it flickered and moved in my grip, in the back Darkness carried her own, leaving Aqua and Megumin to rely on us for a source of light. Aqua claimed that she could see perfectly whether it was day or pitch black but even if that was true it was no help to us mere mortals.

After eliminating the latest group of monsters Megumin and I were picking through the remains for anything valuable with little luck, apart from the barely serviceable dagger we found earlier that I had told her to put on her belt there has been nothing worth taking except to melt down for scrap. No gold, jewellery or a single gem, once again videogames have lied to me but on the bright side this mob was finally enough for Darkness to level up again and learn Decoy. It might not be much use down here but it would serve us well later so I allowed it.

Gradually we moved from one side of the dungeon to the other, the continual harassment of monsters petered out as we cleared room by room and hall by hall until finally we found ourselves alone for the first time in hours. As the others turned around to leave the dead end we found ourselves in I paused, a suspicion taking root.

"Hang on, my gamer's intuition is acting up."

An empty hallway that leads nowhere? The first rule of dungeon delving in any RPG is 'explore everywhere'. Every nook and cranny, every branch and offshoot, because it's a guarantee that you'll find something down there, even if it's just a few more gold coins or a weak healing potion. This wasn't the first dead end we've found today but the others all had a purpose - some were littered with empty, rotted barrels or crates, others were stocked with ancient weapon racks that held the odd rusted blade.

If I had stopped to think I may have realised this place resembled a typical game dungeon a little too well.

I brought the torch closer to the wall, inspecting... there, revealed in the flickering light were three stone bricks protruding from the wall only slightly and on each of them a stylised picture of a small plant with bright yellow eyes and a thick, tubular nose. "Eureka." Three bricks, three identical pictures, the solution was obvious to any fan of the Zelda franchise. I pushed the middle brick inwards, it clicked into place and stayed there with almost no sound. "Johno, what are you doing there?" I didn't bother to turn around as I answered. "I think there's a secret passage here." The brick on the right slid in just as easily as our Archwizard examined the paper I had given her after declaring her our official navigator for this mission. "There isn't any passage on the map." The left brick slotted into place with a solid click as I spoke, smug amusement filling my tone. "That's what makes it secret."

With a heavy grinding noise the wall began to move, the entire facing of bricks slowly lifted with the dull roar of stone on stone. What I wasn't expecting was for my sixth sense to suddenly flare up as dozens of figures immediately began crawling under the still moving portal and were followed by many more behind them. I backed away using the long torch like a spear, burning the face of the zombie closest to me as Darkness rushed to assist and cursed the fact that I had sheathed my sword, foolishly believing we were safe for the moment.

There were too many for Darkness or I to hold back, even if they were willing to focus on us but just like in every other battle today they had attempted to walk past us like we were furniture. The Crusader didn't have any useful crowd control skills and neither did I, I didn't even have time to cast intermediate magic anyway with how overwhelmed we were. I unleashed a basic torrent of flames into the face of an emaciated corpse before kicking it into its kin. "Aqua!" I had intended to order her to make a firehose, a high-pressure attack that would knock this horde head over heel but before I could I heard two words I had grown quite familiar with as a blue glow lit up the dungeon.

"Turn undead!"

Once again we were left alone, our enemies turned to motes of light that quickly faded with a haunting cry. "Thanks Aqua." I gave the goddess an quick smile and a nod before turning to my fellow frontliner. "You okay, Darkness?" To her disappointment she was, the undead's single-minded behaviour was probably the only reason besides Aqua's overwhelming power that we weren't already inside something's belly. Or more likely many different somethings.

"I'm fine too!" The insistent statement came from our third member, her crimson eyes glowing like candles in the dark as she pouted, did she think I was ignoring her? "I should hope so," I responded, better to placate her than stir the pot right now. "We're not much use without our heavy artillery." She didn't smile, but the irritation on her face lessened considerably.

"So ladies," I asked, returning my attention to the dark and silent hallway that had been hiding a couple score of undead. "Any idea where we are?" Megumin re-examined the map in Darkness' torchlight, poring over the text and geometric lines. "We've gone off the map, it's definitely a secret area." The map that the guild provided us with was detailed and well made, but where we were now was completely absent so it was the only logical conclusion. "Does that mean what I think it does?" Aqua was suddenly looking a lot more excited than she had been all day, standing beside me and gazing eagerly into the gloom. "Dunno, what do you think it means?" Her eyes sparkled like opals as she grabbed me by the shoulders tight enough that I felt the pressure through the leather armour. "If no one's been here before that means there's treasure!"

She was right to be excited, the material rewards from this undertaking had been next to nothing so far, the only thing of value was a sack of alchemical reagents carried by Megumin - an assortment of leaves, roots and fungus that were used in low level potions. All recognised and gathered by the Archwizard, I would have to ask later if she'd studied herbology. Herbalism? One of those.

"Maybe, but don't get ahead of yourself. We're in uncharted waters here."

Resuming the diamond formation we continued onwards, our torches banishing the darkness of this new passage before I was forced to halt, a curse on my lips. "Bloody brilliant, more stairs." The walls were also decorated with massive stone skulls, but the stairs were far more annoying.

Our descent to the second level of the dungeon didn't go quite as smoothly as the first, instead of a single gremlin charging up the incline there was another small horde of zombies, monsters and lesser demons that met us just as we had spied the end of our path. We weren't making much noise, maybe some idle chatter so the obvious reason we kept getting attacked was the undead had sensed our lifeforce and the other creatures had followed out of curiosity or because they knew that when the undead moved it meant prey or enemies were nearby.

At the bottom of the stairs we found a corpse, unlike the others we had seen so far this one didn't try to kill us and was instead content to lay on the floor like it didn't even pay rent. "Looks like we're not the first ones to make it this far." Aqua walked ahead of me and knelt next to the skeletal figure still wearing the armour that failed to save its life. "Aqua?" My sixth sense was silent for the moment so I wasn't worried about this being a trap but she had an uncharacteristic look on her face. It took me a minute to realise it was compassion.

A soft blue glow covered the still figure as my Archpriest held out a hand and spoke with a voice softer and kinder than I could recall her using in the past month. "Oh, lost soul who died with unfulfilled ambitions." The glow increased in intensity without growing in size as motes of light began to drift upwards from the remains. "Go and rest in peace." Like myself, Megumin and Darkness were silenced by the vision of grace and skill that Aqua had become since coming down here, I wished that she could act like this all the time. "Okay, now let's find that treasure!" Alas, some things are not meant to be.

The lower level of the dungeon was different than the first. It may have been made from the same stone and there were still quite a few monsters to deal with but there was a significant difference that changed the entire feel of the dungeon.

It was furniture.

Unlike the upper level which was mostly empty apart from barrels, crates and weapon racks this one was clearly made to be lived in. The first room we found actually had a wooden door instead of an open archway and inside it resembled one of the rooms to rent in the guild hall with wooden chairs, a table and bedframe coated in several decades' worth of dust. Aqua and Megumin looked for anything useful or valuable while Darkness and I kept watch but there was nothing but ancient clothes that were probably in fashion centuries ago. I was surprised they lasted so long.

"John, how do I look?" I turned around to see Aqua wearing a pale blue dress with lace around the hem and cuffs just a shade darker than her hair, it hung almost to the ground and had a modest neckline revealing just the slightest glimpse of cleavage. "Great, grab it and let's keep moving." Megumin chose this time to interrupt and demand that she be allowed to try on some clothing too. "Fine, if you want something take it but you're the ones who'll have to carry it."

Taking property from the dead didn't bother me as much as I had assumed it would, maybe I'm not as nice a guy as I thought but this was standard behaviour for adventurers in every source of media since forever so we would continue it. With any luck I'd find a magic weapon or gold armour. Unlikely, but a man could dream.

My thoughts were interrupted when a mess of cloth was dumped on my shoulder, I shook it off and looked to see Aqua and Megumin looking at me expectantly. "What?" The goddess put her hands on her hips and spoke like she was reprimanding an unruly servant. "You don't expect us to carry these do you?" Next to her the Archwizard was clutching her own smaller pile, only a few pieces of clothing in her arms. In response I kicked the now dirtied bundle back towards her, it flew in an unsteady arch and lost a couple pieces before landing in a heap at Aqua's feet. "Yes, I'm pretty sure I said not two minutes ago that you can carry your own crap. Now if you don't want these just leave them on the floor and let's go."

It was a while before she stopped complaining, and only then because she was distracted by a piece of art in another of these hotel-like rooms.

"It's wonderful!" The paint was cracked and faded with age, there wasn't much moisture down here but time moving on was a force all of its own, despite this the frame was in decent condition and coated in what seemed to be gold leaf. However that was not what gained Aqua's praise, what the Archpriest was focused on was the subject matter, in this case a rather talented artist's depiction of the Goddess of Water carrying a porcelain jug from which flowed a pure stream of her natural element. "Not the best likeness." I commented, aside from the fact the portrait was of a woman in her twenties or thirties instead of Aqua's teenage appearance the nose was a bit off and cheeks were too narrow but it was a good painting nonetheless, I would've recognised it without being told. "What do you mean?" I pointed out what I thought were flaws in the artist's work and Aqua waved my comments off. "Well of course it is hard for mortals to capture perfection but never mind that, help me get it down."

I stood there and watched as the goddess dragged a stool over to the wall to aid in her attempt at art theft as Darkness and Megumin gave the Archpriest a pair of concerned looks. "And how the hell are you going to carry that?" The bloody painting was five feet tall and three across! You can't just slip that in a backpack.

To Aqua's dismay we were forced to leave the painting behind, Darkness' comment about taking pretending to be a goddess too far started another argument that lasted until the next attack. And so our expedition continued.

Another unoccupied room, another scratch of chalk on the wall pointing to the way out. While I was doing that Aqua and Megumin had already started opening drawers and scanning bookshelves respectively while Darkness stood in the doorway keeping watch. I had hoped since that some of the books would have been useful but unfortunately every single one so far had been illegible, not because of bad handwriting but somehow the ink seemed to have dissolved the paper it was written on. Finding nothing more valuable than a couple of empty wine bottles we moved on to the next room.

The next room seemed the same as the last at first glance but there was one important difference tucked away in the corner. "Look, look, a treasure chest!" Aqua cried out, pointing at a wooden box no higher than my knees painted red and bound with brass strips, a pristine steel latch holding it closed. Like a kid in a lolly shop Aqua tried to run ahead forcing me to grab her arm to stop the reckless woman. "What are you doing, I saw it first!"

My sixth sense was going off. "Hold on a second." I looked around the room, the wooden drawers, bookshelf and table were all ancient and coated in dust but somehow that chest looked brand new. "It's a trap." Finally the goddess stopped trying to pull away, I called Darkness forward and gently pushed Aqua behind myself, telling the two casters to keep an eye out. A quick conference with Darkness didn't yield much, she hadn't seen traps in dungeons before but had heard stories of everything from mechanisms that would drop a man into a spiked pit to magic items that would teleport an entire party into an unwinnable scenario.

The safest thing to do would be to just leave, write a warning on the wall for whoever comes here after us and inform the guild about the new area and specifically mention the trapped room. I didn't do that, instead I took a step towards the chest and then another one, the divine gift growing louder each time. Curiosity killed the cat but I'm sure it had to get quite close to do so, so after backing the entire group to the other wide of the room I picked up a piece of rubble the size of a golf ball and let fly.

I don't know what I was expecting, but for the walls and floor to suddenly sprout giant teeth and try to bite the hell out of a non-existent adventurer who fell for the trap sure as hell wasn't it. I'm just glad I'm not the only one who shouted, though I will admit my exclamation was a bit harsher than the girls'. After several seconds of violent chewing the teeth receded back to where they had come from, leaving unassuming stone and a pristine treasure chest.

Aqua had attached herself to my back like a mollusc, trembling at the monstrosity we had witnessed. "What in My divine name was that?!" Megumin was clutching her staff like a lifeline, pale faced and staring in disgust at what had just happened but managed to answer. "I-In school they taught us about monsters that can be found in dungeons," She swallowed uneasily before continuing. "They said to be especially wary of dungeon mimics. Sometimes they even pretend to be human to prey on other monsters." Talk about a dog-eat-dog world, anything that let its guard down would be easy prey for those lance-like teeth, I doubted even steel armour would be enough protection so how do we kill it without putting ourselves at risk or wasting excessive mana?

"Darkness, go into the previous room and grab one of those empty bottles and a book." She looked confused but didn't question as she left and quickly returned with the items while I dug through my pack for the lantern oil I had bought at Luna's recommendation. "I have them, Johnathan." Thanking the Crusader I took the items and emptied most of the remaining oil into the glass bottle before stuffing the opening with pages torn from the book and rolled up as tight as I could get. "Are you making a firebomb?" I nodded. "Yup, but we call them 'Molotov Cocktails' where I'm from." After making sure the others were out of the line of fire I lit the wick from one of the torches and once again let fly.

The bottle failed to break. I knew the glass was thick but I really didn't expect it to survive being launched several metres to land on stone, or mimic pretending to be stone at least. But before anyone could make a sound the teeth once again came out, chewing and crushing anything that draws near so with the sound of breaking glass the monster suddenly had a mouthful of fire, orange tongues licking at its insides as it screamed in agony.

It took a few minutes of screaming but eventually the dungeon grew silent, the stench of burnt wood and meat hung in the room like an unwanted guest as we saw the mimic's true form. It was unnatural, from its shape which didn't resemble any living creature outside a horror film, chunks of wood and stone jutted out at odd angles like it had been caught outside in a cyclone; crimson, skinless flesh like it had been flayed alive and teeth nearly as long as my arm. The worst part of all is it was still moving.

A disjointed arm flopped onto the stone floor, scratching weakly in our direction as too many burnt, lidless eyes stared blindly while parts of its body expanded and contracted like five different sets of lungs trying to breathe. This was too awful to watch so I raised my left hand and channelled a lightning spell. The monster spasmed wildly, scratching gouges in the stone with its teeth, breaking already misshapen limbs against the floor and wall before finally becoming still. The buzzing in the back of my head at last fell silent.

"Well, that was the most god-awful thing I've ever seen." The others agreed so we left that room quickly and continued exploring, finding many more empty rooms and ruined halls but thankfully nothing as terrible as a mimic.

"Souls that wander in this dark, cold dungeon. You may now rest in peace."

Alight with a divine aura and serenely banishing the restless undead, I didn't want to give her a big head but Aqua was more God-like today than I had ever seen. With her now covering the rear it allowed Darkness and I to fight together, halting the tide of monsters that relentlessly tried to get past only to fall to steel and magic. Letting Megumin finish off the wounded under Darkness' protection I took stock of the situation.

We had been down here almost all day according to a quick glance at my watch which was then stuffed back down away from prying eyes, we had stopped to eat a meal of bread, cheese and jerky a couple times and water was no issue with Aqua and I here but the attacks had been so constant I wasn't willing to spend the night, if we don't find the end of this dungeon soon I was going to have to call it quits, especially since we were almost out of oil for the torches.

The hallway we were in now was the widest so far, there was enough space for our entire party to walk side by side twice and filled with nothing but dozens of identical arches and stone pillars no higher than my waist topped with a heavy stone orb before finally terminating where Megumin and Darkness were. The biggest thing out of place there was a space a couple metres across where the stone floor tiles had been pulled away leaving a wide patch of soil, I ignored that and wondered if the short pillars were banisters that had the rope or wood rot away after centuries when a pair of blue boots walked to a stop right next to me. I stood up and offered a drink to the hardworking goddess. "Don't know how we would have survived without you here." After taking several gulps of her element Aqua was glowing with pride. "Don't hold back, you can praise me even more you know." I just chuckled and took my water bottle back. "Maybe later."

I called out to the two that had finished picking through the monsters Darkness and I had fought and were now pretending to be busy going over their equipment, Megumin hadn't hit a single monster with her staff so I doubted it needed that close an inspection. "Oi, you ready to go?" I was ready to leave this dead end since it had no obvious puzzle like the one that led us down here but Aqua suddenly called out. "Wait, I can still smell undead nearby."

Like a two-legged bloodhound the goddess stalked forward, nose twitching as she tried to locate out her enemy. Did she really just say 'smell'? I wondered if that was a Priest ability as I subtly raised my head and took a good whiff. Nothing but soil, stale air, long-dead bodies and sweat, I really needed a shower once this is over. Aqua moved from the right corner of the hallway's end to the left then returned to the centre of the blank wall, sniffing with her head down and pleated skirt riding dangerously high.

"Anything?"

Aqua turned around looking mildly frustrated. "I definitely smell something but I don't know where." She leaned back against the wall as Megumin responded, asking if she wasn't just sensing remnants from the undead that were already slain but before the goddess could deny it the wall right behind her lit up with a glow that could be nothing but magic. "Look out!" I dashed forward, catching her arm as she fell and preventing Aqua from cracking her head on the floor, with my other hand on the wall I pulled her back through the narrow portal that had opened as an ancient and coarse voice called out from the darkness.

"Is there a priest out there?"

The person speaking was so dry and rough they sounded like if Liam Neeson spent two years in a desert with nothing but whiskey and cigarettes but there was an undeniable strength in his voice, like he had survived everything the world had to throw at him and grown so powerful that life itself was tiresome. At the far end of the still room two torches suddenly burst into flame, casting away the darkness and revealed the one who spoke. In a solid chair of dark wood upholstered with what may once have been red fabric sat a horribly emaciated figure, if it wasn't for the unholy light spilling from its eyes it would have been mistaken for an ordinary corpse. To the figure's left was a queen-sized bed upon which lay another still figure, this one draped in embroidered white cloth that despite its condition was of the highest quality. To his right sat a small dressing table, its top covered in an assortment of items that even a century's dust could not hide the shine of gold and gemstone encrusted jewellery including several actual gold bars; a trio of silver goblets; a short, curved dagger with an elaborate sheath and a helmet so gaudy it may actually be a crown.

Before I could answer his question there was an arm wearing wearing a white sleeve trimmed in blue and gold pointing past me to the centre of the dark room.

"Lich!"

Oh shit, again. Aqua and Darkness tried to rush into the room at the same time only to get stuck in the narrow doorway, each trying to push their way past the other which gave the dungeon's inhabitant enough time to introduce himself. The rich purple hood he wore trembled slightly as he spoke, the twin horns on top - a style I had never seen before - dancing in unison.

"My name is Keele, the Archwizard who built this dungeon after abducting a noble's daughter." That matched up with what Megumin had said before we left, but finding out the man had become a lich was an unwelcome surprise.

But not to Megumin, who somehow managed to dodge my attempt to grab her cloak, push both Aqua and Darkness into the room and stood over her two fallen teammates to stare at the lich with her eyes glowing in excitement. "Are you really Keele? The Keele responsible for over half of the spells used by Archwizards today? I'm your biggest fan!"

It turned out the undead wizard wasn't in any rush to attack us despite the fact that we had scoured his dungeon and gone through his belongings as he chuckled in amusement, a dry, dusty sound like cracking leather before responding to the youngster's enthusiasm.

"Well, I don't know how things are out there after so long asleep but I was rewarded quite handsomely by the king, that's why I ended up fleeing you know?" With each word his voice got more energetic, like an introvert drawn into a conversation about something they enjoy. Before Megumin or anyone else could ask the truth behind his legend he continued on, reminiscing the past.

"I remember it like it was only a hundred years ago, I had been called to the castle to receive a reward from the King in service of the kingdom, that old fatty always had that stupid-looking beard. I looked him right in the eyes and said the only reward I want is for the one I love to be free and happy." He barked out a laugh as desiccated skin moved into a rictus grin. "He didn't like that so I just grabbed her and took off! She was so impressed that when I proposed she accepted immediately." With a heavy jangle the thick gold chain around his neck moved as he turned to his left, gesturing to the large bed and the white-coated figure on it. "That's her by the way."

Aqua had been trying to continue her work since Keele started speaking but Darkness and I held her back, wanting to listen to the dead man's tale. Megumin had seemingly forgotten we existed and interrupted the lich to ask a question. "What about Explosion, where did you get the idea for that?"

The decayed figure placed a hand on his chin thoughtfully, a skinless finger tapping a soft rhythm of bone on bone. "Ah, I see you're a Wizard girly, well I'll tell you but before that..." With a soft crack his head turned towards the three of us, I felt Darkness tense beside me but chose to trust the silence that told me I was not in danger. "I have a favour to ask. Will you please purify me? I can sense you have the power to do so."

With the lich's permission to end his existence Darkness and I let our teammate go, she used a piece of chalk I had brought to mark the way in the dungeon to begin drawing a magic circle on the floor of Keele's chamber as he spoke about the history of magic with Megumin. After what felt like twenty minutes of listening to jargon that mostly went over my head I joined Darkness where she had been standing next to the bed, she was staring at the skeleton of Keele's beloved with a melancholic expression.

"Darkness?"

Startled, apparently she hadn't noticed me approach, Darkness let out a cute little 'eep' before turning to face me. "It is nothing, I was just thinking." I hummed as I looked closer at the princess' remains. That clothing really did look expensive, it had to cost more than a normal person would spend on clothes in a year. "She was lucky, don't you think?" Blue eyes gazed at the carefully tended body of the woman on the bed, her hands clasped on her chest as if in prayer. "To find someone who loved her so much he would set her free from her gilded cage."

If I had any doubts about Darkness' pedigree, that would have removed them. I racked my brain for something supportive to say but before I could think of anything we were joined by Keele himself. "Doesn't she have the most beautiful clavicle?" Startled again, Darkness took a large step away from me. Not that we were that close, but I suppose nobles have different ideas of social etiquitte.

The Lich was kneeling at his wife's bedside, tracing a fingertip down her cheekbone. "She was a lucky woman to have you, Keele." Then I took a gamble on my next words. "Every Zelda needs her Link." Lifeless fingers stopped in their worship of his beloved's form, a pair of hollow eye sockets staring at me with an unearthly glow and deathly serious focus.

Keele hummed, a long, drawn out sound that rattled his ribcage with flakes of dried skin before he turned to Darkness. "Young lady, would you go help your young friend for a moment? I gave her permission to go through my tomes but she may have trouble reaching some." Giving a curious look to me I nodded my assent and she left us to talk in private. He was right, Megumin was using her staff like a hook to drag down books off the top of Keele's bookshelf on the other side of the room. Aqua continued drawing her magic circle, humming an almost familiar tune and seemingly oblivious to the meeting of two souls she had personally delivered to this world.

"So, you were sent here as well." I nodded. "Not nearly as long ago as you I'd wager, but yeah." With a dusty sigh Keele cupped his chin in thought, bony fingers stopping just before his throat like he was scratching an invisible beard. "I suppose there are a thousand questions I should ask, or maybe that you have for me but that doesn't really matter now." Bringing both hands up to his chest, for the first time I noticed there was a gold band on his left ring finger. Taking the precious item in his right hand he pulled and was rewarded with the sound of a sharp, dry crack. "Whoops."

After removing his finger from inside the gold ring he placed it back on his hand, giving it a wriggle to make sure it still worked before offering me his right hand. "Take it." I looked at the small object, shaped like a snake biting its own tail with a single eye staring outwards. How could he trust a stranger with something so important? "Are you sure?" Keele pushed his hand closer, motioning for me to take the gift. "Of course, it's not a wedding ring. They didn't do that back in the old kingdom, it's my gifted item. A storage ring."

A storage ring? I remembered reading a story or two that used that kind of item, storage rings and bags of holding were common tropes that often used the old 'It's bigger on the inside' or 'hammerspace' reasoning to explain the ability to store so much in such a small package. I could not afford to turn this down. "Thank you, I promise to take good care of it." Keele nodded, the ghost of a grin on his emaciated features. "See that you do. But be careful opening it, I don't remember everything I put in there." Understandable, the life of an undead must be a long and lonely one but as I thought that something else came to mind.

"Do you know how long you slept for?" The lich turned his head, the cracking of dry vertebrae sounded off like popcorn in the stale air of the dungeon. "Oh, a few centuries at least. If I hadn't sensed Lady Aqua's presence I probably would have slept until I turned to dust." Not the end I think most would hope for, but at least it should be painless.

"It's done!" In unison four heads turned to look at the goddess as she rose from a crouch, giving her creation a final once-over before nodding in satisfaction. As Keele knelt by his beloved's bedside, hands clasped one last time the Goddess of Water raised her hands, offering a final prayer to the damned as the room began to glow with divine light.

When she had been purifying undead in the dungeon Aqua's behaviour had gone from fearful, to wrathful, to downright belligerent. Now however there was not a trace of arrogance or pride in her divine features, instead she gazed at the fallen wizard in a way I could only describe as 'saintly'. "You who forsake the laws of the gods and became a lich under your own power. Archwizard Keele, in the name of Aqua, goddess of water your sins are hereby forgiven." As I silently wished that she could always be this diligent and respectful Keele's head bowed in gratitude. "Thank you, Lady Aqua." Not finished she continued her blessings as the undead's extremities began to glow in reaction to her magic.

"When you awaken you will find yourself before a goddess named Eris with unnaturally large breasts." What the hell? "If you wish to be reunited with your wife and are unconcerned by age, form or social status ask her and you will surely be reunited." I watched as the undead spoke his final words of gratitude before Aqua finished her last rites. "Sacred Turn Undead." As the light began to fade I wiped under my eyes with a finger. Nope, false alarm, just dust, and it was very bright in here just now.

Keele and his wife were gone, their forms undone by Aqua's magic leaving a well-decorated but aged and empty room at the bottom of a cold, dark dungeon. "Right, let's head back."

After we left the final room the door that had been hidden remained open but since there was no longer anything valuable or important in there I suppose it didn't matter. Megumin had claimed not just a few books but Keele's entire library, unlike the ruined tomes we had found so far these were still in good condition thanks to an enchantment to repel insects and preserve organic matter that had been imbued in the bookcase. Aqua, after behaving like a paragon of divinity had bundled up every gold or jewel-encrusted item she could get her hands on into her shawl and was now carrying it over her back like a burglar with a sack full of loot. Darkness on the other hand had been content with the memory of Keele and followed with a distant, distracted look on her face. I tactfully decided not to ask.

It wasn't until minutes later that I realised I had made a huge mistake. "Bugger, I should've asked if he had any skills I could learn!"

A/N: Sorry this took so long, originally I wanted to have a couple chapters that were basically a training montage of the party's attempts to get ready for the Dullahan's return but then I remembered videogame rules - if you want to level up, grind. With the monsters in hiding their only option was to head to a dungeon where monsters can be found all year round so I moved Keele forward in the story by about ten or so chapters.

Coming up next: A lake, a would-be hero and probably an explosion or two. Unless I change my mind again.