Team 7 centric. No bashing. Kind of crack?

Sasuke: is so pissed right now

Sakura: is so confused right now

Kakashi: is so scary right now

Naruto: is just trying to keep it together really

Fun fact: There is an AU version of this story called Mirror Idiots that never made it past the first third of the first chapter. Most of it was written by a friend of mine after I told them about this idea and we tried to hash out some details. Perhaps it will be posted someday…

Orochimaru POV, Forest of Death…

Orochimaru felt comfortable in claiming that he was having a good day. Well if he actually had anyone to talk about such trivial things to that is.

He used to be able to talk to Jiraiya about things like that. Even if he was an idiot he could be good for casual conversation, that is if you get him away from his peeping and porn. Unfortunately talking to him was no longer an option, came with the territory of being a missing-nin.

Poor side effects aside, becoming a missing-nin had been one of the best decisions he had ever made. Oh, there had been the occasional hunter squad for the first few months before he managed to properly hide his trail and recently Jiraiya had been coming a bit too close for comfort.

But apart from those tiny problems life as a missing-nin had been great for him, especially once he had started his own village, he no longer had to deal with the pesky laws that protected "the common welfare" and "morals" and all of those annoyances. He could experiment to his heart's content and push the limits of neutral science to their limits!

So life in general was pretty good, even if he sometimes thought he might have forgotten something important back in Konoha, but if it was so important he probably wouldn't have forgotten it.

But having a good life was only the lead up to the very good day he was having, it had started out normal enough, with him killing a Genin team and taking their places in the exam, all three of them. It was easy enough to tear off the faces of three corpses and create a few clones to wear said faces alongside himself.

It had been vaguely nostalgic being in his old village and taking the Chunin exams to boot. Even if he had only taken them once himself, he was a sanin after all, they only needed to take them once. He had never actually proctored any exams himself, he was far too busy fighting wars and doing dubious experiments to waste his time doing something so trivial as helping the next generation come into their own.

But what really made his day was seeing the potential available to him, potential ripe for the kidnapping and brainwashing! He hypothesized that it was what it must feel like to be a kid in a candy store!

His original target had just been Sasuke, Itachi's younger and currently less impressive brother. It was a necessary change in tactics unfortunately. Orochimaru could probably handle just Itachi if he had proper planning time and managed to catch the younger ninja by surprise. But with Itachi being a member of Akatsuki and himself already on the organizations blacklist after his last attempt so obviously he didn't want to push his luck.

So that meant Sasuke was his focus, one pair of natural and activated Sharingan ripe for the body-stealing. That had been the plan at least, he had done a bit of prior research and sneaked into the exams. But then he had actually started observing the team and he had been pleasantly surprised by what he found.

Sasuke had decided to delve into that odd religion that "what's-his-face" from Akatsuki had been apart of, and the boy apparently had managed to achieve the same level of immortality the other one had. A pair of sharingan and immortality? Yes, thank you very much. Orochimaru couldn't wait to sink his teeth into that body, both metaphorically, and very literally.

But then he caught sight of the Uchiha's teammates and had nearly allowed his jaw to drop in a comical fashion before realizing that he was not the comic relief in this story and could not perform such an action. That role was left to other characters who had varying degrees of importance to the overall plot.

Before Orochimaru noticed the third teammate whom he had initially ignored because according to the files he had read she had come from a civilian background and he therefore assumed she would not be too interesting (that had been a mistake though, more on that later), he had realized that the"last Uchiha" was on a team with the current Kyuubi Jinchuuriki. Who was also an Uzumaki, who was clearly proficient with seals.

All of that power and a brain naturally hardwired to create and use Fuinjutsu? That would definitely come in handy. He could take Sasuke's body first and use those eyes and immortality to learn as many jutsu's as he could without fear of death against a too powerful opponent. Then when that body began to reject him, he could switch to the Jinchuriki's body and essentially have a chakra battery to fuel his vast library of jutsu. Not to mention that maybe with a brain that clearly had the right synapses for Fuinjutsu to come so naturally, he might be able to figure out a way to keep his soul bound to a body for longer!

Then he had seen the pink hair and green eyes on the third teammate and felt like kicking himself.

Mini-Mito! Alive and well! Kind of! Further analysis had led him to believe she may have multiple personality disorder. That was probably because of that seal he put on her head when she was an infant. Well, live and learn. It was a shame he hadn't been able to monitor her as she grew and matured, that would have been very helpful for his notes.

Funny, that feeling like he was forgetting something was even worse now. Orochimaru pushed it aside though, things were too good right now for him to be concerned over something that may or may not be important.

Yamanaka Clan Compound…

"What do you mean I have nine months worth of repressed memories from when I was eighteen?"

Back at the plot…

"I assure you, the boy could not punch me even if he tried, no I am here to-" Orochimaru started explaining before whatever domestic argument the blond and the brunette were having could take off.

"I'm not a boy, I'm a demon!" The practically yellow haired brat whom he was certain was that damned Yondaime's, who took the job that should been his, son. If he was the sort to take revenge, he would relish the idea of using his body as a way to get at the father- Wait. What had he said about being a demon?

Orochimaru blinked in surprise for a moment as he processed that tidbit of information, but then continued as though he had not been interrupted. "I am here to challenge you! We are in an exam after all, I have an earth scroll and you have a heaven scroll, if you three impress me I just might let you live."

Apparently that was the wrong thing to say. Sasuke looked rather angry, blond-demon-boy-Uzumaki looked eager, and Mini-Mito looked mostly terrified, but oddly a bit eager apparently. This was going to be very interesting it seemed. Hopefully they could put up a decent enough fight, although perhaps he shouldn't be too hard on them, after all they were just children. Even if they were slowly being indoctrinated in a military lifestyle where they would be expected to fight and die for a village that would carve their name on a stone and bury them in a shallow grave by the side of the road if the mission demanded it.

But they were still children, he should probably only use limited psychological attacks alongside highly chakra intensive jutsu and strategies that had helped win a Shinobi World War. The kind of thing a group of twelve year old's could reasonably be expected to handle.

He was just about to release his own killing intent when the blond-demon-boy-Uzumaki's own killing intent washed over the area, it felt notably more demonic than his own though. Well that was fairly interesting, probably came with being a Jinchuuriki.

Oddly enough, it was Sasuke rather than the Jinchuuriki that spoke up, and he did so in a rather angry tone of voice. "Nobody kills my teammates but me!"

"Yeah!" Mini-Mito spoke quietly but enthusiastically and nodded then froze. "Wait what?"

How very selfish and rude of him, Orochimaru often wondered how much of behavior was determined by nature and how much by nurture. Perhaps he could study it at some point in the future, maybe with identical twins. He hoped that the rude behavior of Sasuke's was a form of nurture rather than nature. It would be horrible if he was stuck with that once he stole the boy's body.

"Don't worry Lucy." The third team member consoled the Uzumaki clone. "It's not like he can really kill us."

"Says the immortal demon." Sasuke commented offhandedly, before rapidly focusing again on the situation at hand. "Now shut up and let's sacrifice this disgusting heathen to Jashin-sama!"

"You can try." Orochimaru smiled and let the boy charge at him. He started swinging wildly with his sword and he felt himself grow slightly disappointed. There was no grace, no style, nothing impressive in the fighting style at all. The Uchiha boy was fighting like a beserker, which was fair enough considering he couldn't die but still, he was a shinobi, he was worse than "what's-his-face" from Akatsuki. He at least was seasoned and knew how to swing his weapon rather than just waving it around hoping to hit something.

The snake Sannin spun around another swing and silently dropped to the ground allowing another swing to sail over his head. The blade changed trajectory and tried to slice him in half. He rolled away from the strike and heard a satisfying crunch as its jagged edge bit into the over sized tree branch they stood upon.

He noted that swinging wildly might actually be a descent strategy against him, it was harder to predict moves that had no rhyme or reason. He also had the added difficulty of avoiding so much much as being scratched by the sword. He knew what could be done by Jashin cultists with only a single drop of the victim's blood.

A sudden heat was the only warning he had before the Jinchuuriki member of the team was on top of him. He leaped backwards and his hands started flying through hand signs, he didn't like the idea of dodging the corrosive chakra of the Kyuubi and the wild strikes of a Jashin-cultist and whatever it was that Mini-Mito was capable of. He unleashed his Wind Release: Great Breakthrough and quite literally blew the competition away.

He immediately realized he may have over done it a bit.

Both the Jinchuuriki and the Uchiha had completely vanished, along with a fair bit of forest. Fortunately Mini-Mito was still here. She looked a bit woozy though, and based on the twelve year old girl shaped imprint on the tree behind her it looked like she had been slammed into it by the jutsu. On the bright side, at least she was still alive, so it could have been worse, besides now he can go and track them down one at a time.

Orochimaru sauntered over to where the girl was slowly pulling herself to her feet. He was mentally debating what he wanted to do with her. Did he want to give her his seal now? But that would mean he would not be able to give it to Sasuke until he had time to prepare another one. Maybe he could convince her to switch over to his side? Maybe he could that just by telling her the truth, but how does one begin to explain to a young girl that she is a clone of a dead seal mistress?

Further thought continued to dissuade him from the idea of trying to bring her over to his way of viewing things. The multiple personality disorder caused by the seal meant that while he could potentially convince this personality to join him, it didn't mean he would be able to convince the other personalities of the same thing.

The girl stood up finally, she looked terrified, which was fair enough considering who he was, even if she didn't know who he really was. Of course he had just literally blown her considerably powerful teammates away with relative ease and now she was facing him on her own. But the fact remained, she was facing him, oh she wa trembling, oh she was beyond scared of him, but she still managed to stand and face him despite that.

Coming to his decision, Orochimaru prepared to give her the cursed seal, he would have plenty of opportunity to go after Sasuke and the blond Jinchuuriki at some other point during the exam. But for now he would work with what he had right in front of him.

He opened his mouth and his neck began to extend as he prepared to give her the seal. But just before he could make contact a flying… something kicked him in the face causing his extended neck to swing around like a whip and smash into a nearby tree.

The snake Sannin grunted as he pulled his face out of the wood. He could feel his disguise fraying as the splinters ripped into it. That was incredibly annoying, who had so rudely interrupted him?!

"Stay away from my clone baby you bastard!" A female voice roared and something clicked for him.

That's what he had been forgetting, or rather who apparently. He had forgotten Anko when he left! Oh well, hopefully she would let him explain that he was in a rush and Jiraiya and Sarutobi-sensei had causing him no end of trouble so he hadn't had time to grab her and take her with him.

Wait how did she remember that she was Mini-Mito's surrogate mother?

And then he felt a kunai rip through his extended neck and his eyes widened as his body collapsed and his head fell to the ground with a somewhat painful clunk.

Well, this just got a bit complicated.

Sasuke POV, A Couple Miles Away…

Sasuke was angry.

That was a very light way of putting that if the deepest pits of hell were filled with molten magma and the devil himself shit his fiery crap into said molten magma filled deepest pits of hell and thus increased the heat exponentially as well as creating the foulest stench to have ever been conceived my man or god, then such shitty smelling beyond molten magma filled deepest pits of hell would not even compare to the level of rage that was currently fueling the cultist of Jashin-sama.

What could have caused this mighty fury beyond being thrown several miles like he was nothing by some random and noticeably creepy Grass Village Genin?

After he had landed, rather uncomfortably at that, he had immediately found himself assaulted by a family of tigers. Not to mention said tigers had been attempting to kill a bear the size of a house at the time and now the bear was attempting to eat him in order to restore its health because it was already out of mana and healing potions so it had fighting like five tigers with nothing but auto-attack.

This situation was made far worse due to the fact that when Sasuke had landed, his sword had not been with him. Likely enough, it had been blown away by the jutsu that creepy Genin had unleashed upon him and his teammates. So that just added onto this already bad situation.

But just when he had finished using his fireball jutsu on the local wildlife leaving piles of charred meat that were too burned to be of any use for eating, he had been attacked, yet again. This time though, instead of a group of wild animals and a bear that was a gamer, it was another Genin team, this one was from Sound.

At this point Sasuke had been pissed. He was tired, hurt, high on adrenaline and worried about his sword. It had taken months after he had placed an order for it before it arrived. Not to mention the fact that after Naruto did the seal work to make it work properly for the will of Jashin-sama, the damn blond demon had said that he would "never ever doing such disgusting seal work ever again, 'ttebayo!"

So if he lost his sword, he might lose Jashin-sama's favor, which could never be allowed to happen. Jashin-sama was the way to enlightenment, to glory, to vengeance. Basically, he needed to find his sword before some godless heathen picked it up and did Jashin-sama knows what to it.

Back to the situation at hand, the Sound Genin had started blabbering about someone called "Orochimaru," the name rang a bell but Sasuke could not manage to put his finger on where he knew it from. It got worse though, because apparently this Orochimaru had sent these three to kill him for whatever reason. But that still was not the worse part of it, the way these Genin spoke of this Orochimaru, it was almost like they thought he was a god.

"This Orochimaru guy, what's so special about him? It's not like he's not a god." Sasuke pointed out already preparing to make a speech about Jashin-sama and his glory.

"How dare you speak of Orochimaru-sama so callously you tree hugging scum." The male genin that didn't look like a mummy snapped at him. The girl opposite him looked as though she was housing similar thoughts to her teammate.

It was hard to read the lead genin expression, mainly because of the bandages, but his tone made his thoughts clear enough, cold and to the point. "Orochimaru-sama desires your death, his will shall be done, any god you may speak of is pitiful compared to his power."

Now Sasuke could tolerate atheists, even agnostics, they just hadn't found the light of Jashin-sama yet and could be converted as he had done with Disciple and was trying to do with the girl from Sand.

Hell, he could tolerate Naruto because he was a demon and they were kind of the antithesis of gods anyway, and he was actively trying to kill him too. Also the fox demon in human form was kind of useful.

But those who would have false gods before him?

There was a reckoning to be had here.

"I'LL SLAUGHTER YOU BLIND AND MINDLESS HEATHENS! FALSE GODS WILL NOT BE TOLERATED BY JASHIN-SAMA! YOU ARE NOT WORTHY OF SACRIFICE! I WILL DESTROY YOU AND DESECRATE YOUR CORPSES YOU DISGUSTING GODLESS FREAKS!" He roared at the top of his lungs, and charged at them, fists flying, injured, no sword, low chakra reserves, blinded by rage, and exhausted.

They never even stood a chance.

Naruto POV, Near The Center Tower…

"Okay calm down Naruto, you didn't lose no, he just caught you by surprise." The blond demon was counseling himself. "I mean you just got caught up in the moment, maybe got a bit overconfident, but can you blame me? I'm me! I'm a big deal. That girl just had a lucky card that you weren't expecting, you're the invincible nine-tailed fox demon. Just because some random Genin managed to toss you aside like you were last weeks litter doesn't mean anything!"

This reaction was to be expected, his pride had taken a bit of a blow after all. Haku had been one thing, with those sneaky senbon and incredible speeds, and he had still managed to beat them in the end. Sasuke still tried and failed to kill him and Naruto didn't even bother trying to stop him, it was an exercise in futility.

Then this nobody showed up, and literally blew him away. Him! The legendary Kyuubi no Youko had been beaten in an instant by some random Genin from the Grass. Freaking Grass! Now Naruto was all for overcoming your limits and beating what society thought of you, look at him, he helped people and was trying to be the nicest demon to ever live!

He sat down and thought about it. He was kind of being a jerk about this wasn't he? Someone managed to beat him who wasn't Sasuke and wasn't some big impressive enemy and here he moping about it and trying to heal his damaged pride. That was not exactly the kind of thing a good person would do.

Now that Naruto thought about it more, it was a good thing that Genin was so skilled, it would help her in the future! Even if she was pretty creepy and kind of sadistic, with that attitude and power then she was bound to succeed. In fact, when they got all got to the tower he was going to go up to her and congratulate her on doing to well.

Admittedly, his pride still hurt again, but he would be a good sport and admit he got beat. It was already obvious he that he be beaten, heck the reason that he was sitting here considering this at all was because the Yondaime Hokage had sealed him in this human body. So he had been defeated before, even if it was by a much more powerful and skilled ninja. Or would powerful and experienced be a better way to describe it?

Whatever it was Naruto wasn't about to let his pride control him, he would rise above such petty mortal problems. His goal was to make up for his sins when he was a giant fox and not stuck in a human body, not to be the strongest, sure strength could help him with his goal, but it wasn't his main concern in this second chance at life.

He would go out there and help people and solve problems, he didn't need a cult, he needed like minded people to help him be a good person and be good with him! Yeah, when he next saw the Konohamaru Corps he was disbanding his cult and starting his volunteer be a good person guilds man association!

But first he should probably find his team.

Kakashi POV, Undisclosed Location…

"De-curse me." Kakashi told his captive.

"No" His captive replied.

De-curse me." Kakashi demanded impatiently.

"No" The bound man repeated himself.

"Stop being difficult and de-curse me right now." Kakashi ordered, he was starting to get annoyed and he felt his one eye twitch..

"No, you deserve your curse and you shall suffer." Baki declared boldly.

"You know, there are a lot of things I can do." Kakashi said lightly, in an almost friendly tone of voice. "For instance did you know I've done infiltration? It was when I was in ANBU. You see this facility didn't let outsiders in and we needed someone inside to bring the whole operation down. So I sneaked in and killed a man in his bed. Silently, cleanly."

Baki listened but didn't make a move or say anything, the man was a hardened shinobi, likely this wasn't too intimidating but Kakashi wasn't quite finished yet.

"And then I made a shadow clone which henged and read up on the man's file. After that I left. A day later, I went back and got a report, and replaced the clone. In about a week we had everything we needed to destroy the facility and wipe out the entire operation." Kakashi explained.

"Now, I've spent the last day watching you and learning your habits, your reactions, all of that fun stuff." Kakashi eye smile at the man. "It would be a shame if "you" went back to Suna and had an unfortunate accident with a door. Or if the Kazekage were to start giving orders and information right to a Konoha Elite Jounin. Meanwhile you'll be here, a test dummy for newbies in the T&I division who don't quite know how much is too much damage for a prisoner."

Now Baki was starting to sweat.

"We could do it that way, or we could do it the easy way where you just de-curse me. I mean it would be a shame if we had proof that Sand was going to betray us or something?" Kakashi had been bluffing of course, but Shinobi politics were fickle enough that it could be true.

Then Baki went pale and started swearing and Kakashi realized that this went deeper than just a cult built around the evils of doors.

Sakura/Lucy POV, Back At The Forest Of Death…

Lucy stared as the awesome proctor lady who had just called her, her clone baby fought the giant monstrous looking white snake monster that the grass Genin had turned into when the proctor had cut her head off.

"What is even happening right now?" She asked nobody numbly.

Well, that's the end of the chapter.

I am sorry for the wait but I have recently been feeling my interest in Naruto dying, also an intense and burning hatred for most of the characters due to various reasons. But that's a rant for another day.

But I'm glad I finally updated this, I had originally planned to try and update this roughly once a month but I kind of lost focus on keeping my updates consistent and yeah.

Also this probably would have been out like an hour ago, but Dragon ball Super finale got in the way.

Anyway, time for reviews!

YugiKitten: Yeah I'm going to start trying to make the multiple personalities of Sakura more three dimensional. Also I apologize but I can't remember how that sentence was supposed to end. Sorry.

Death390: I shouldn't…

Duskrider: Huh, well that sounds interesting.

Afro121 - Aeries Rifter: Locked in my head unfortunately, I'm trying to siphon it out but it's a slow process.

Suzululu4moe: She's not going without a fight.

Mel72000: You are most welcome!

V . yeesha: I hope not, that would mean I lost a reader!

Monster Cat Music Girl: Why does my fic keep killing people? But joking aside I'm glad you like it!

Squidgod912: I'm glad you thought so!

NarutoAdmirer21: Your love is appreciated!

Drake Darkduke: I think this chapter answered that question fairly well.

Shahismael: Keep it up I shall!

Battlesny: For the record my original notes count as a write, I just didn't mention them. Also I have said this more times than I care to count, I don't take recommendations on pairings. Ever, unless I explicitly ask for it and am very clear about asking for it. Also I changed Gaara's personality so no mother complex, sorry.

Guest: I'm happy to hear that you liked it so much!

SSSRHA: It won't go down quite like that but the Itachi and Sasuke meeting will be… interesting to say the least. Heh. Heheheh. Haheheheh. MUAHAHAHAHA. *cough* sorry got carried away there.

Ic3pup: Okay before I say anything else I want to thank you for the reviews, they were well written and gave me the motivation to actually start this chapter. Kakashi won't be going the door cult root though, he wants to be done with it ASAP. Also this chapter illustrates just how Anko and Orochimaru meeting Sakura would go. Also Kurama's not trapped in Sakura, but enough of his chakra is that it created a new personality. Does a part of Naruto know the truth? Spoilers. And yeah, I don't blame you for not wanting anything to do with Sasuke, as for Kakashi not noticing he did send them off on their own the previous chapter. Sakura still has the glasses on, I just forgot to mention them really.

Ash001: Read and find out what's going to happen!

Well that's everything folks, not much else to say. Next update will be either ZT or SS, I haven't decided yet.

Until we meet again my friends!

~FriTik

R&R