Dammit Jim, I'm a Doctor not a Ninja

Summary: Major whump!Bones, angst!Kirk, hurt!bridgecrew, epic bromance and badass!Bones. No slash. Thought about seeing how many views I'd get based on that summary alone but figured I may also need to prove I have a plot. The Enterprise are horribly outnumbered by space pirates and are taken captive to be sold to the enemy. McCoy, despite being seriously injured, is the only one who can save them. Can our favourite grumpy pacifist take on an entire pirate crew and live to tell the tale?

So my last multi-chapter story had Bones in his element, caring for people, so my next story I wanted to put him out of his element. I've got most of it written so I hope to update regularly but more reviews should spur me to get it finished quicker. I hope you enjoy it.

As always I don't own these characters or this world, only the order in which I chose to place words on a page.

Chapter 1

"It's quiet in here today." Spock observed as he entered the Med Bay.

Leonard McCoy let out a loud groan and looked up from his PADD long enough to glare at him.

"I have displeased you." Spock stated, "I do not understand, I was merely trying what you would call 'small talk'. Am I doing it wrong? Or is it my presence that offends you?"

McCoy rolled his eyes and sat his PADD down on his legs which he had crossed so that his right ankle rested on his left thigh. "It's not you I'm objecting to so much as your use of the 'q' word."

"You are objecting to my use of the word 'quiet'? I did not mean to imply you were not working, only that you did not have any patients and your nursing staff appear to be elsewhere. I believe 'quiet' is the appropriate descriptive word in these circumstances."

"I've given my team the afternoon off." McCoy explained, "On the condition that if I have to call them back in they come running. Which I will probably have to do now as you've said the 'q' word. These logs will never get done." He rolled his eyes.

"I'm afraid I still do not follow…"

"You never say the 'q' word, it's a jinx. Whenever someone remarks that it's 'q', suddenly all hell breaks loose and everything becomes chaos."

Spock frowned, "Surely you do not believe in such a…"

"Trust me." McCoy sighed, "it happened in my ER in Atlanta and it happens here too. As well as pretty much any medical facility in the known universe."

"I find your premise illogical." Spock responded. "I have come to ask when you believe your thesis on the virus we discovered on Gharah will be ready. My team have prepared theirs and we await your contribution."

"Couldn't you have just messaged me?" McCoy asked.

"I could have. But it occurred to me that it was likely that you would delete the message without responding to it, just like you have the last five times."

"Okay, fair enough. But this is the first time I've had a chance to sit down in weeks and I have a ton of other work to get through too. I'll get round to it eventually, I promise. But if you've cursed me, this latest set-back is your fault."

Spock nodded, "Very well, I…"

He was interrupted then by an almost deafening boom as the whole Med Bay shook, followed almost immediately by another two. McCoy sat up straight and uncrossed his legs to better steady himself. "What the hell?"

Spock's comm link chirped and their Captain's voice sounded above the ringing in their ears. "Err, Spock…" he wasn't his usual self-assured self. "Could you join me on the bridge please?"

"See," McCoy growled. "You jinxed it." Spock turned on his heels and began jogging towards the bridge. McCoy rolled his eyes and decided to join him. There was no way his logs were getting written now anyway.

The doctor and the Vulcan came onto the bridge in minutes, just as another boom rocked the ship, causing them both to stagger. McCoy's stomach lurched and he had to grip the doorway to steady himself. He noticed that frustratingly Spock had recovered already and had stood beside Kirk, hands clasped loosely behind his back. He stood up straight and walked into the bridge as casually as he could, trying to breathe silently so as not to let on that the jog from the Med Bay had affected him.

If Spock had been reading his thoughts, he would have pointed out to the doctor that caring what people thought of his fitness levels was illogical right now. Everyone's eyes were fixed on the huge display windows in front of them and the ship that was heading straight for them at great speed. The approaching ship looked old to McCoy's untrained eye. In fact, it looked like it had been stolen from a scrappers yard, pieced together from various pieces of metal to make the monstrosity in front of them. It wasn't big, only a fraction of the size of the Enterprise, but it was fast.

"Have they hailed us Captain?" Spock asked, his voice as neutral as ever.

"Nope, seems they're more the 'shoot first, questions later' types." Jim Kirk replied. He was trying to look relaxed but McCoy noticed he had a firm grip on the arm rest. "Mr Sulu evasive manoeuvres. Chekov, plot a course and get us to warp speed as soon as possible. I'm in no mood to get shot down by these lunatics."

"Keptin, it appears our power source is damaged."

"Scotty?" Kirk asked through the comm link to engineering.

"Aye Sir." Scotty was shouting over a huge din in the background. The officers on the bridge could hear people shouting orders and the harsh sound of metal grinding together. "We took a direct hit tae one of the power cores. I can reroute some of the power to the other cores. We can limp away but cannae get tae warp speed."

Kirk nodded at the information, despite the fact the Scot wouldn't be able to see it. "Okay, arm the photon torpedoes. Uhura, can you give them a hail?"

"What happened to our shields?" Spock asked, eyebrow raised.

"They're jamming them." Sulu threw the comment over his shoulder as he concentrated on the display in front of him.

McCoy watched his captain from the rear of the bridge. Jim Kirk had been such a hothead when they'd first met that he'd questioned the blatant string-pulling of Admiral Pike to get him the captaincy. Not that he didn't like Jim at first, the brash young kid had endeared himself to the older man quickly and it was clear he was a genius who was just as good at getting out of trouble as he was into it, but still to give so much responsibility to one so young was… well Spock would say it was illogical. But now, years on, Kirk sat in that chair like he was born to it, the orders being given with a calm confidence, not the old cockiness of the past.

The hail was answered and the viewscreen filled with the craggy face of a human male. He looked to be in his fifties, but a tough life had put deep lines in his hard face and there was a large scar running from his forehead, cutting into his eyebrow and across to his right ear where the lobe was missing. McCoy grimaced internally at the old injury, these days healing techniques were so good that scars were almost non-existent unless the patient had managed to heal with no medical intervention at all. Even then, work could be done to reduce their appearance. The fact that this man hadn't bothered to correct the disfigurement implied he liked it that way, probably to enhance the menacing look that he was going for. He'd added to the look by shaving his head and covering it in tattoos that extended down his neck.

"This is Captain James T Kirk of the Federation Starship Enterprise, cease your fire and identify yourself."

The man on the screen cracked an unfriendly smile, "Captain James T, I have another suggestion. Surrender yourselves and prepare to be boarded."

"You're not in any position to make demands, you have photon tor…"

"No, I think you'll find I'm in a perfect position." And then perfectly on cue the space in front of them was filled with half a dozen more ships as they came out of warp speed. They all appeared to be run down bastardisations of old models but retrofitted for whatever purpose they now served.

"Keptin, first scans show the ships have been modified." Chekov muttered, just loud enough for Kirk to hear. "They're armed to the teeth and ready to fire."

Kirk paused as this new information sank in.

"So this is the famous Captain Kirk? You're not what I expected. Quite frankly for someone who is such a pain in the Romulans' butt I'd expect you to be… I don't know, taller for a start."

"You seem to have be at a disadvantage. Sounds like the rumours have travelled faster than warp speed but I'm afraid you're not quite so infamous. To whom am I speaking?"

"The future captain of the Enterprise. You may be Starfleet's flagship but you're a long way from aid out here in the black and your ship was never designed for warfare. You know what they say about deep space, no one can hear you scream. Because I am a reasonable man, you have three choices before you Captain. The first is you attempt to fire on us, you may take out my ship but as your scans have shown my shielding is exceptional and there are many of us and you'll find these other Captain's not so forgiving as I am. The second is you allow us to board and come at us, phasers at the ready, you may kill a few of us but if I were a gambling man I would place money on pirates and mercenaries over scientists and engineers no matter what the circumstances. Your third option is this, you allow your crew to board the escape pods, off they sail, unharmed, and you allow me to take control of the ship. The nearest planet is a bit of a shithole, but they'll all survive, as captain I'd expect you to go down with your ship of course, but you'd save a lot of lives doing it. I know which one I'd choose."

McCoy watched Kirk's face tighten in a grim frown as he considered the options laid out before him. He looked again to the tough looking man on the screen and at the ships in a holding pattern. He knew what he'd do, but then McCoy had always been a healer not a fighter.

Kirk then sounded over the ship-wide intercom. "This is an order from your Captain. All personnel are to evacuate to the escape pods immediately." He finished the transmission and turned to Chekov. "Mr Chekov, will you please ensure all escape pods are programmed with the co-ordinates for the nearest habitable planet."

"Very good Captain. Not so reckless as your reputation suggests." The man sneered and interrupted the transmission.

"You'd better all get going." Kirk said firmly, but he didn't move from his chair, his hands white-knuckling the arms.

The rest of the crew got up to move but their Captain stayed still. McCoy watched to see who was leaving, Sulu and Chekov had darted from their seat as had many of the others but he found he couldn't move, wouldn't move until Jim did. Spock and Uhura also refused to budge.

"Captain?" Spock ventured, "We do not have long before the pirates board."

He nodded, "So you'd better get going." He said coldly.

"Jim…" McCoy started.

"Bones," he cut in, "I'm getting the crew off here, but he's right, I'm not going down without a fight. If he wants it he'll have to take it from my cold dead fingers."

McCoy was about to protest, when the doors to the bridge swished back open and in ran Sulu and Chekov. They hadn't gone to the escape pods after all, the pair had carried what they could from the armoury and distributed the weapons amongst the remaining crew. Sulu had retrieved his sword and stood just to the side of the doorway ready to use it. Chekov pressed a phaser into McCoy's hand and gave him a defeated smile as McCoy's fingers curled round the weapon almost involuntarily. "Aww hell!" he growled, readying his stance in preparation for attack.

The door swished open again and Sulu swung his sword at the intruder, barely stopping in time as Uhura let out a scream, "No!"

Stood in the doorway was a bewildered Scotty, heaving great gasps of air from his sprint down the hall and subsequent near death at the hands of their pilot. "My scans indicated there were still a few people on board, why aren't ye…" He stopped and looked at everyone, armed and standing their ground and the scene before him sank in. "Aww, yer all bloody idiots!" He exclaimed as he snatched a phaser that Sulu quietly offered him and then came to stand next to Spock.

"I've got a bad feelin' about this." He muttered. McCoy couldn't help but share his sentiment.

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