Author's Note: I'm so sorry. This was a request fic for a friend who's been having a rough time lately, with intent to be based on a run-through of Origins she did that ended up having some severely awkward glitches among the romances. And I swear it started as that. But I can't be trusted, have no self-control, and as a result it went somewhere... odd.

... This probably isn't a surprise to you.

(*)

Previously, on Days of Our Dragon Age…

"I'm pregnant!" Ilona the elf servant said. "And you're the father!"

"… I'm actually a woman," Blake Cousland said.

"And your father's best friend is betraying him as we speak!" Ilona the elf servant said.

"What, how do you OH SWEET MAKER," Blake said as a man slammed open her bedroom door and three arrows slammed into Ilona's torso.

"Your lover… has been murdered!" Ilona said helpfully, before dying.

(*)

"Oh Pup… I fear that I won't be making it this time…" Bryce Cousland said.

"Father… father, no…" Blake whispered, tears welling up in her eyes as she stood over her dying father.

"I'll stay with you, my love. I'll kill every one of Howe's bastards that comes through this door to buy our daughter time," Eleanor said, her voice thick with mixed sorrow and rage.

"Your sacrifice will not be forgotton, Lord and Lady Cousland," Duncan said somberly as the young woman sobbed.

"Please… please protect her, Warden."

"Howe will not lay a finger on her in the Grey Wardens, I swear."

"And Pup… I must tell you…" Bryce said. "Howe is actually… my evil twin brother… Raoul!"

(*)

"I have a wife and child on the way. I dislike this secrecy," Ser Jory said, as they waited for the Joining ritual. "I would have remembered them earlier, but until this point I've had amnesia!"

"My sister is pregnant," Daveth agreed. "And my mother is the father!"

"The Grey Wardens," Duncan said, entering the scene twirling his moustache, "require great sacrifice. Each of you must drink from this chalice of Darkspawn blood. You will either join our order, and be given the powers of a Warden… or you shall die!"

"GASP!" Jory and Daveth said.

"You… what? I thought you promised my dying father that you'd protect me," Blake pointed out.

"Yes… Duncan did," Duncan said, twirling his dagger. Then, suddenly, he cackled madly and drove it deep into Jory's stomach. "But I'm actually Duncan's evil twin, Raoul!"

"Gaaaah! My amnesia!" Jory screamed as he died.

(*)

"You know, you're okay, Alistair," Blake said as they climbed to the top floor of the Tower of Ishal.

"I love you too," Alistair said.

"What?"

"Nothing. Oh, hey, ogre!"

Days of Our Dragon Age: Episode 13: As the Darkspawn Blooms

[Scene: LOTHERING. Time: Afternoon. General Atmosphere: DOOMED. Enter BLAKE and her band of HEROES. They are the last hope of the WORLD.]

[They are a DORK, Blake's pet DOG, and a woman with no SHIRT.]

[The world may be in TROUBLE.]

BLAKE: Okay then. We're here, we're the only ones left alive. Any plans?

MORRIGAN: I might suggest we murder all who oppose us.

BLAKE: You're a peach.

MORRIGAN: 'Tis my mother issues. As you may know, I 'twas raised most horribly. [DRAMATIC ORGAN plays] And of course, there is my dark secret.

BLAKE: … What?

MORRIGAN: Nothing.

BLAKE: … Right. Well, does anyone have any actual plan? We have these treaties, we have…

ALISTAIR: Arl Eamon is an amazing person, you know.

[BLAKE tries very hard not to SCREAM.]

BLAKE: Yes. You mentioned this back at the hut. And then a few more times on the walk here. And then again now.

ALISTAIR: He's brave, strong, smart, runs the land justly with the wisdom of a sage, and only made me sleep in the stables until I was old enough to be sent to the Templars. [DRAMATIC ORGAN plays] But only because he knew my dark secret.

BLAKE: Does anyone here not have a dark secret? Please?

DOG: Bark bark, bark! [DRAMATIC ORGAN plays.] Bark.

BLAKE: Oh, that doesn't even sound real.

ALISTAIR: Do you understand what he says?

BLAKE: A little. I mean, you spend your whole life around a Mabari, you sort of pick things up.

ALISTAIR: Your eyes are beautiful like sapphire pools beneath a harvest moon.

BLAKE: Wh-

ALISTAIR: Nothing.

[It was NOT nothing.]

BLAKE: I need a drink.

[She DOES.]

(*)

[Scene: LOTHERING TAVERN. Time: About THREE MINUTES LATER. Atmosphere: INTOXICATED and DOOMED.]

DOOMED LOGHAIN CAPTAIN: Well, well. Look what we have here. A few of the Wardens who killed the king! Teryn Loghain will be happy to see you.

BLAKE: Please don't talk to me until I've found whiskey. Please.

DLC: Oh, I don't think that'll be happening, traitors. You betrayed our king! Turned on our Teryn! And one of you killed my twin brother, Raoul!

SOLDIER: [Adjusts his DISGUISING EYEPATCH and GOATEE.] Yes. Yes, poor Raoul. Murdered by the Wardens. And now, you get all of your father's inheritance and the hand of the fair lady Rosa… unless of course Raoul was secretly still alive! Then, he would be able to manipulate you to your own doom in secret, dramatically taking it all for himself! Bwahahaha… BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

DLG: Yes, thank you for specifying that, soldier.

BLAKE: Okay. Okay, well. Do we have any objections to just killing all of these people?

MORRIGAN: Please yes.

ALISTAIR: You have pretty eyes.

BLAKE: The ayes have it! Everyone, swords out, and the mouthy one is mine.

SEXY FRENCH VOICE: Le wait!

[BLAKE turns to look at the source of the voice. 'WHY CAN'T THIS BE LOVE' by Van Halen begins to PLAY.]

[LELIANA enters.]

BLAKE: Hell-o.

LELIANA: All of you! Please, surely we can settle zis without violence! Ze Maker calls us all to a life of peace! [DRAMATIC ORGAN plays] Even zose of us who have dark secrets.

BLAKE: … … Eh, the sexy Chantry Sister gets a freebie. All right, men, would you like to just maybe go our separate ways? Live and let live? The Maker wants us to.

ALISTAIR: But won't Loghain harshly punish them for letting us go free? Perhaps even unto death.

RAOUL: But my inheritance!

DLC: GASP! Raoul, you're alive?!

RAOUL: Yes, you fool! Your amnesia allowed me to slip into the shadows, but now I've returned! With the help… of your very lover, the fair maiden Rosa! We have been having [DRAMATIC ORGAN plays] an affair!

DLC: Gasp! But our father shall not stand for this!

RAOUL: Bwahahahahaha… you fool! All along… I was your father!

DLC: Gaaaaaaaaaaasp!

BLAKE: Is he saying 'gasp'…?

[The DRAMATIC ORGAN climbs to a crescendo]

RAOUL: And your mother!

LOGHAIN'S GUARDS: [Draw a lot of SHARP WEAPONS. There is a certain type of PERSON who really just reacts to things like this with MURDER, and a lot of them join MEDIEVAL ARMIES.]

BLAKE: I feel like things have gone off track here.

ALISTAIR: Your hair is like a flowing river of obsidian beauty, my love.

LELIANA: Oh, it is.

(*)

[SCENE: LOTHERING. Still pretty DOOMED, only now slightly more DISTURBED because four PEOPLE and a DOG are walking around covered in BLOOD.]

BLAKE: [A flowing river of OBSIDIAN BEAUTY coated in GORE] So. I'm going to go right ahead and say that didn't work out as planned.

MORRIGAN: 'Twas actually quite pleasant. I have collected a finger.

BLAKE: You're going to be a problematic, huh?

MORRIGAN: Of course not, noble Warden. 'Tis not as though I had… [DRAMATIC ORGAN plays] a dark secret.

BLAKE: Well, at least we have one person who isn't hiding anything from me now.

LELIANA: [COUGHS in a manner that is totally not SUSPICIOUS]

BLAKE: … Please tell me you're not another Alistair, at least.

LELIANA: I really like your hair. It reminds me of the beautiful flowers my mother used to pick back in Orlais.

BLAKE: Son of a whore. Tell me there's one person on this team is sane? Just one?

DOG: Bark, bark! [DRAMATIC ORGAN plays] Bark.

BLAKE: I will smack you.

STEN: Hey.

[The team comes to a halt, looking UP (And UP, and UP) to see a VERY LARGE MAN in a CAGE. We are meant to believe he has not been FED or BATHED in DAYS, but he looks MOSTLY LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. LOTHERING must be a TERRIBLE PLACE.]

STEN: I'm Sten. I killed a family of farmers.

BLAKE: Were they your evil twins?

STEN: No.

BLAKE: Do you have amnesia?

STEN: No.

BLAKE: How about dark secrets? Any of those?

STEN: Not really. I actually did kill those farmers. Also, my people are planning to enslave you all. But it's not a secret, we're actually really open about it.

BLAKE: Fantastic! You're coming with us.

STEN: … … … You have some issues, then?

[She DOES.]

[SCENE: GREY WARDEN CAMP, NIGHT. It will ALWAYS BE NIGHT.]

BLAKE: Okay, everyone. I think we all need some sleep at this point, and we have a long walk to…

ALISTAIR: Arl Eamon.

BLAKE: If we go there first, will you please stop asking?

ALISTAIR: I'm a virgin.

BLAKE: … I'd assumed, yes.

ALISTAIR: I just thought you should know because I'm picking up the very obvious signs that you're in love with me.

BLAKE: … There have been signs?

[SCENE: Flashback to the TOWER OF ISHAL. It is noticeably CLEANER, the fire has restricted itself to gentle MOOD LIGHTING, and there are FEWER CORPSES. Someone left a BOUQUET OF ROSES on one of the HORRIBLE DARKSPAWN ALTARS.]

[ALISTAIR enters. He is not wearing a SHIRT, and his muscles are perhaps a bit TOO shiny.]

ALISTAIR: Oh, Blake, my darling. Only we can save the king and Duncan now. Though we have fought our way to the top of yon tower, facing a thousand deadly foes, you have ever stayed at my side as the loyal and true companion you are.

ALISTAIR'S ABS: *Glisten, glisten*

[BLAKE enters. She is wearing something that is 'armor' in the same way MORRIGAN'S HANGING BOOB CLOTH is a 'robe.' If she walked down the street in DENERIM, she would get FINED.]

BLAKE: [Sighs wistfully] Oh, Alistair. Though we have crawled over the corpses of a thousand darkspawn, my admiration for you has only grown. You are a man of sublime dignity, looks worthy of the finest sculptors, nobility and elegance that makes the actual king seem a pauper in comparison to your amazingness. I can only hope one day that you will be mine, and until this day I shall never touch another man, nor another Orlesian woman who really shouldn't even be coming along, she would just get in the way. I will wait for you until the end of days.

ALISTAIR: [Hands her a ROSE. It has almost no ENTRAILS on it.] I feel the same way, my delightful little fuzzle-wuzzles.

BLAKE: [BREATHES too hard, causing a WARDROBE MALFUNCTION.]

ALISTAIR'S PECS: *glisten, glisten*

[END FLASHBACK]

BLAKE: … … … … What.

ALISTAIR: It was special to me too. Thank you for waiting until I'm ready, my little turtle-dove.

BLAKE: I… wow. Okay. I need to specify for you here that I'm not a virgin, and I am not waiting for anything. It's just that the last time I was with someone was…

MORRIGAN: When your lover…[DUM DUM DUM] was murdered?

BLAKE: … I was going to put it a less painful way, but basically. Thanks for, you know, bringing that up. I had almost managed to forget how discomforting it was.

LELIANA: You mean you have…

BLAKE: Do. Not. Say-

LELIANA: … le amnesia?

[ORGAN CHORD plays. Where is that EVEN COMING FROM.]

BLAKE: Just go to goddamn sleep.

MORRIGAN: My mother kidnapped me when I was a child!

[SCENE: REDCLIFFE, ext. DAYTIME. Population: Three-hundred twenty-two and FALLING. Mood: ZOMBIE-TASTIC.]

ALISTAIR: Bann Teagan! I've come to save my beloved home and the foster family that raised and adored me!

BANN TEAGAN: Why, Alistair! I haven't seen you since my brother was making you sleep in the stables.

BLAKE: If your brother is named Raoul, I'm leaving.

ALISTAIR: Oh, this is Bann Teagan. He's a noble man who you're absolutely going to love until the DLC of the third game.

BLAKE: What.

ALISTAIR: Nothing! So, about saving Redcliffe.

BLAKE: Technically speaking we don't need to… we just need to get into the castle and find the real boss, right?

MORRIGAN: I think we should let them all die.

STEN: Approval granted.

LELIANA: Bonjour! We must save all of ze peasants, mon ami!

ALISTAIR: I love you.

LELIANA: Also zat.

[Background Music: DUM DUM DUUUUUUUUUUUUM]

BLAKE: Don't act like this is difficult for me, music. I'm going to agree with the one I want to sleep with the most.

ALISTAIR, LELIANA, TEAGAN and MORRIGAN: Score!

[SILENCE falls. All eyes VERY SLOWLY turn toward MORRIGAN.]

MORRIGAN: What? I'm extremely hot.

BLAKE: … She actually does have a point. But no, I didn't mean you. We're saving the village. Nothing personal, it's just that you have the personality of a porcupine, and then there's that dark secret…

[DRAMATIC ORGAN PLAYS]

BLAKE: Stop that.

[SCENE: REDCLIFFE, the next MORNING. Post-zombies, because I am not writing an ACTION SEQUENCE for this ABSURD THING.]

BLAKE: Well, after a long battle where we saved the entire town…

TEAGAN: Half the civilians died.

BLAKE: The entire town.

TEAGAN: And you lit the Templars on fire.

BLAKE: They ran into the fire barrels! And besides, the point is that that we got rid of all the monsters.

SCREAMING BANSHEE FROM HELL: Teeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagaaaaaaaaaan!

STEN: Except one, apparently. [DRAWS SWORD]

DEMONIC SOUND WITCH: Yoooooooooou mussssssssst 'eeeeeeeeeeelp meeeee Teaaaaaaaaagaaaaaaaaan!

TEAGAN: Oh, that's just my brother's wife, Isolde.

STEN: [Does NOT sheathe sword.]

ISOLDE: Teeeeeeeeeeeeeeagan we have to save my zon! He is in ze castle wiz his fazer, where he is… trapped. Yes. [PAUSE, as if in DEEP CONTEMPLATION] Teeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeagaaaaaaan!

BLAKE: So. About this liar we have here. Who wants to bet ten gold she has a dark secr- [PAUSES. Narrows her EYES suspiciously.] That she is… concealing information.

[NO DRAMATIC ORGAN plays. BLAKE smirks smugly.]

ISOLDE: [With the face of an ANGRY WEASEL] Who is zis woman, Teeeeeeeeeagan?

BLAKE: I'm the reason this entire…

ALISTAIR: Half.

BLAKE: Entire! Village! Is still standing.

MORRIGAN: If it helps, I still say we should kill them all. Just to be safe.

LELIANA: Safe from what?

MORRIGAN: Eh.

BLAKE: And as the hero of Redcliffe…

STEN: Half of Redcliffe. The other half is dead because of your failings.

BLAKE: I will kill you all.

STEN: Why? Are we half of Redcliffe?

ISOLDE: Teeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeagaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!

[SCENE: REDCLIFFE CASTLE, int. There are ZOMBIES, and a CREEPY LITTLE DEMON BOY. ISOLDE is here, so at least they aren't the WORST THINGS PRESENT.]

CONNER: Well, well. Look who has come to rescue poor sick father. But if you truly want to save him and get a happy ending for this miserable little town…

ALISTAIR: More than anything.

BLAKE: Eh.

ALISTAIR: I love you.

CONNER: … You'll need to go do the other main quests! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

BLAKE: … No. No, you monster. You wouldn't…

CONNER: Have fun in the Circle Tower, mortals![The DEMONIC FIRE in his DEAD EYES burns with HORRIBLE GLEE.] I hear the Fade section is just great. BWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

BLAKE: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

RAOUL: [MANIACAL LAUGHTER]

[SCENE: CIRCLE TOWER. If it CAN be coated in DEMON OOZE, it pretty much IS. General Mood: CADAVERIFFIC.]

MORRIGAN: Truly, 'tis shameful to see mages penned such as this. Imagine the knowledge that would be gained should they be free to explore and indulge their powers!

BLAKE: [Gives a MEANINGFUL GLANCE to all of the FIRE]

MORRIGAN: Not that particular knowledge, mind you. More like myself and mother.

ALISTAIR: Didn't you say that your mother used to use you as bait to lure in Templars and murder them for her own amusement?

MORRIGAN: Indeed, and I share it freely for I am, in fact, quite openly unpleasant. [DRAMATIC ORGAN PLAYS] A behavior I adopt to disguise the true nature of my dark secret.

BLAKE: Oh good, I was hoping we hadn't dropped all the hints you people are lying to me about some horrible thing looming in your pasts.

ALISTAIR: I'm not lying to you about anything. [PAUSE] ANYthing.

LELIANA: Nor am I, of course. [PAUSE] Except moi dark secret.

ALISTAIR: Well, yes. That was implied.

BLAKE: [SCREAMS, but only on the INSIDE because she will not give anyone the SATISFACTION of hearing her BREAK.]

EVERYONE'S GRANDMA: Stop! I am Wynne, the mage commanding the defense of this tower, and I shall not allow you to harm the apprentices. Halt, and please be careful which of your party members you bring in with you because if you say the wrong thing, I'll attack Morrigan and you'll have to kill me. And I'm the only healer. You'll be dooming yourself with one. Careless. Word.

BLAKE: Oh. Well, she just won't say anything, th-

MORRIGAN: You know, we should just kill everyone here to be safe.

WYNNE: You shall not pass to harm my people, apostate!

[One RELOAD later.]

BLAKE: This is my friend Sten. He's large and thankfully doesn't talk a lot.

STEN: All true.

BLAKE: I left Alistair at camp too. That guy creeps me out a little.

DOG: Woof woof! [DRAMATIC ORGAN PLAYS] Woof.

ALISTAIR: [From FARTHER AWAY than you'd THINK could be HEARD] I love you!

[SCENE: CIRCLE TOWER, UPPER FLOORS, int. If you thought the FIRST FLOOR was coated in DEMON SLIME, you AIN'T SEEN NOTHING YET.]

BLAKE: Okay, people. We know the Litany of Adralla is on this floor, and we can use it to fight the Abominations on the top floor. All we have to do is find it and we can save everyone who's still alive, right?

WYNNE: Quite so.

BLAKE: I like you. You're honest and helpful, two qualities I've learned not to expect in my group.

WYNNE: Yes. Honest. That's me. [DRAMATIC ORGAN PLAYS]

BLAKE: Oh, Hell no. What is it?

WYNNE: What is what?

BLAKE: Your dark secret! I know you have one, that was the dark secret music. You think I don't know how this works by now? I know Morrigan is doing something with her mom and Alistair is lying about his past, and Leliana was definitely being a nun to hide from something.

LELIANA: Somezing… or someone. From my dark past. [DRAMATIC ORGAN PLAYS]

BLAKE: Yes, that! See?! Dark secret music, right there! So you talk, ancient woman, because I know. I'm on to you.

WYNNE: I have… nothing to tell you. I am not keeping any secrets, and I'm definitely a normal, living, mage. [DRAMATIC ORGAN PLAYS]

BLAKE: I hear that, dammit! That's it. That's it. You people are all telling me everything about yourselves, right now. Sten, you start.

STEN: I am large. I like swords. I want my sword back.

BLAKE: … Okay, you were a bad starting point, but thank you for your honesty. The rest of you, get on this revelation train.

DOG: Bark, bark.

BLAKE: Oh, I didn't know that. I'm so sorry.

DOG: Bark.

BLAKE: Blessed Andraste, really? Your poor sister. Did you ever find her again?

DOG: Bark… bark bark. Bark.

BLAKE: [Eyes filling with TEARS] Oh, dear Maker. That's… that's horrible. The whole village… I… I never imagined. My friend, you and I have more in common than I ever would have dreamed. I swear to you, one day you will have your vengeance, just as I shall. Raoul will not get away with such base betrayal.

DOG: [With an aura of DIGNIFIED SADNESS] Bark.

BLAKE: Well. I mean… none of you can tell a better story than that, but. I still think It's really important that we get this out of the way and build some real trust, before something happens that really tests our bond as a team.

SLOTH DEMON: Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.

BLAKE: Oh for f-

[SCENE: The FADE. It is like the REAL WORLD only EVERYTHING SUCKS.]

BLAKE: Oh, sweet Andraste. I knew it was coming and yet I still let it bite me. Ummmmm… okay, how do we do this.

GHOSTLY DREAM WIZARD: Why, you only have to go find all your team again. Each one is trapped in a terrible dream!

BLAKE: Oh, that's not so bad.

GDW: And each of those dreams is behind its own dungeon!

BLAKE: Oh. Well… they're probably pretty short…

GDW: No.

BLAKE: Ummmm… not a lot of enemies?

GDW: HA!

BLAKE: I get some like, Fade helpers, at least? Spirits?

GDW: You get me.

BLAKE: Oh, you're going to come along and fight with me?

GDW: No. I'm going to stay here in the main hub and advise you.

BLAKE: … … … … Do I get anything good out of this?

GDW: You get stat boosts!

BLAKE: Hey, sweet!

GDW: If you can find them in the sprawling, monster-filled hellholes you have to navigate in this twisted nightmarescape!

BLAKE: …..

GDW: And you get some shapeshifting magic powers!

BLAKE: Heeeeey, awesome!

GDW: They are not. And you better remember them all, because there's a quiz boss at the end.

BLAKE: … So, are you like, trying to make me want to kill you, or is that accidental? You know, don't answer that, I'm sure you have a dark secret [DRAMATIC ORGAN CHORD PLAYS] or something that will come back to haunt me later, but for now I need to get started. Can't take that long.

[SCENE: The CIRCLE TOWER, TOP FLOOR, int. THREE WEEKS LATER.]

ULDRED: Hahahaha… I see another has come to join me in the final evolution of mage-kind! Yes, you all shall make powerful warriors once a demon has entered y-

BLAKE: [Kind of TWITCHES and makes a low, half-growl half-whimper kind of SOUND. It brings to mind a SICK CAT hiding in a CORNER as it waits to DIE.]

ULDRED: … Are you okay? I don't want to put a demon inside you for my revolution if you aren't healthy, you know. I am trying to build a doom army here, not a charity drive. Maybe come back later when you're feeling better?

BLAKE: [STABS HIM]

[SCENE: REDCLIFFE CASTLE, int. Someone CLEANED UP, anyway.]

ISOLDE: TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAGAN, they have returned wiz ze wizards!

BLAKE: Oh good, she's still here.

ISOLDE: Thank you all for returning, to 'elp save my beloved child. I am so pleased to see you all, nearly as pleased as I am whenever I see TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAGAN!

ALISTAIR: I miss this city every time we leave it. They truly are the best people in all of Ferelden.

ISOLDE: To the stables with you, bastard spawn of a whore.

ALISTAIR: Like family to me, really.

BLAKE: Okay. Everyone. Wizards, tell me how we solve this problem.

WIZARDS OF THE TOWER: Well, first, we will perform a ritual around the possessed boy to let one of you go into the Fade, and-

[SCENE: CAMP. BLAKE awakens in a cold sweat after having to be KNOCKED UNCONSCIOUS and dragged out of REDCLIFFE after she went BERSERK and began ATTACKING everyone in the ROOM, screaming in an INHUMAN TONGUE.]

MORRIGAN: Greetings.

BLAKE: Oh… oh Maker. I feel awful. What happened?

WYNNE: Well, I chose to help the royal family of Redcliffe by going into the Fade for you, and-

[SCENE: CAMP, the next morning. It is STILL NIGHT.]

BLAKE: Uuuuuugh… I feel even worse…

MORRIGAN: [Nursing a BLACK EYE, her arm in a SLING] Oh, yes. The one hurt here was you, clearly.

WYNNE: I think we've all learned something here. Don't say… that word.

ALISTAIR: [UNCONSCIOUS]

LELIANA: Well. On ze plus side, I zink we are doing well in zaving Ferelden, non? We 'ave saved some wizards and a small child.

BLAKE: You call that 'well,' but I question the value of our actions so far. We saved like five people, total. Not even the real Arl Eamon, just his stupid kid. Do we even care about the kid? I mean, other than Alistair, who is easily the least important member of this group.

DOG: Bark, bark.

BLAKE: Yes, you are more important than him. Good boy. Goooood boy!

LELIANA: Well, I think we've done a great job. And wiz hardly any issues!

[SCENE: The next day, a random stretch of FOREST. It would be SCENIC if not for the TWENTY ARCHERS all SHOOTING AT THE PARTY.]

LELIANA: [Hiding behind a LOG.] So, I think this is a good time to tell you that I was hiding in the Chantry because my ex-girlfriend is a legendary spy who wants to kill me.

BLAKE: [An ARROW parts her HAIR] Gee. Thanks for bringing that up. This is a great way to find out. I'm really happy.

LELIANA: Oh, good, I was afraid you'd be angry.

BLAKE: Bitch, you're lucky you're cute.

ALISTAIR: On the bright side, if she's hired all of these assassins, the odds are pretty good there won't be that many other assassins left to come after us!

[SCENE: DENERIM, capital of FERELDEN. TERYN LOGHAIN, who nobody spotted as a VILLAIN despite his PALLOR and OMINOUS EVIL ARMOR, is sipping a chalice of wine. His closest advisor, ARL HOWE, who nobody spotted as a VILLAIN despite being voiced by TIM CURRY, is in attendance. He wipes some of BLAKE'S PARENTS off his BOOTS.]

LOGHAIN: So, how many assassins did we pick up?

TIM CURRY: Literally dozens. They're everywhere. I brought you the most charming and debonair of them.

LOGHAIN: I question why you described him as that.

ZEVRAN: 'Allo. [A GENTLE BREEZE rustles his hair, which FLOWS like a river made of MOLTEN GOLD.]

LOGHAIN: Oh, wow, he is charming. And you're sure he's an assassin? He's far more handsome than you'd expect. Like, extremely handsome.

ZEVRAN: I know.

LOGHAIN: I mean, I would never betray the memory of my late wife, but. Wow.

TIM CURRY: I authorized him to get a bonus.

LOGHAIN: I'll allow this. [Nods AUTHORITATIVELY.] So handsome.