-Preface-
Good evening, ladies, gentlemen and everyone in between. It has come to my attention that there exists countless of Self Inserts, also referred to as SIs, especially since the advent of New!FE.
Now, it is helpful to know I am a Fire Emblem elitist. I dislike the direction FE is going in. But surely I can find a way to enjoy these games? A way that has acted as a bridge between the good ol' FE and the New!FE?
Something like…Self Inserts?
Surely I can appreciate watching the evolution of Self Inserts/Tactician fics through the Fire Emblem fandom? They go all the way back to Hammer of the Terrascars, after all!
Surely I find something in them to appreciate. Something beneficial to the fandom that elicits the creative, if predictable, FE fanfics I've loved for four years.
…
Nah.
(Disclaimer: If you are a writer of Self Inserts, and you take pride in that, I respect that. You do you. However, what you will find written below makes fun of everything you do. At the end of the day, Self Inserts are formulaic. And I mock the formula. But if you can be a good sport about it, I invite you to read on. It may even help you fight those tropes you've unwittingly embraced.)
-[X]-
"Ahem…ah, here we go. Before we start, let me introduce myself. My name is Robin the Tactician. You know, the shallow protagonist whose place you stole. Today I will be taking you on a tour of the common creature known in my community as the SI.
"I've found us an example of one such creature. Thanks to Frederick, the Outrealms and bullshit plothole excuses, I've got a…er…microstone? Phone? Ah, it doesn't matter.
"Through this mysterious device, I'm going to give you a guided tour, narration and education about this marvelous creature.
"Let's dive in."
-[Prologue: The Verge of History]-
-[Read: Why Come Up With New Chapter Titles?]-
Ugh. My head.
It hurts.
"Chrom, we have to do something!"
My eyes open slowly. I can see two vibrantly dressed individuals smiling down at me.
"Can you hear me? Sorry, you can never tell when a microphone is working or not. I suppose if it wasn't, then this would be a trainwreck as exhibited commonly in media.
"Anyway, this is the birth of an SI. Watch how he slowly wakes up, just as you expected. It's almost as if he's following a script. If you look closely, half of the lines in an SI's life are…predictable.
"Now watch for our exhibit to give his name. There's a certain tick, typically, that I'm sure you can appreciate. See if you can spot it."
"What do you propose we do?"
I look between the two. They look…familiar. Like I've seen this situation before.
"I... I dunno..."
"I see you're awake now."
Ah! They've noticed I'm awake! Crap crap crap! What do I do?
"Hey there!"
"There are better places to take a nap than on the ground you know. Give me your hand."
I take the man's hand. He helps me up.
"Thank you, Chrom," I respond.
"Ah, then you know who I am?" He smiles, but his eyes are wary.
I blink.
Oh shit, I'm in Fire Emblem Awakening! I didn't even get to see the last cutscene when I just beat the game!
It must have transported me here! Fuck, but what about my life?
Maybe I have to beat the game to get out?
"No, actually, I... It's strange... Your name, it just...came to me..."
That seems like a valid response. Something Robin would say.
"Fuck you, too."
"...Hmm, how curious. Tell me, what's your name? What brings you here?"
"My name…?" Right! "My name is Archturianodopolis Aegisoti."
What? So my parents are a little weird for naming me that.
"Call me Arch."
"Did you catch it?
"If not, go ahead and look back up and see if you can figure out. I'll wait.
"…
"…
"Ding ding ding! Alright, it was the name. No one names anyone that. You go through all the trouble of giving birth to an SI, and you break the believability that quickly? I mean, Spellbinding Radiance picked a normal name. Couldn't you have gone with something a little more believable?
"But at least we have the nickname that sounds badass to a thirteen year old. No offense to the excellent FE hacker by the name of Arch. I love your work, and your name, especially because it isn't a shitty SI.
"Now, this particular variety of SI is better than most. While most would devour and shit out the 'game script,' this one has not. It likes to rely on it during tense situations where the writer's ability doesn't have the mettle to take on the task (See: Lucina confronting Robin).
"Let's jump just a little ahead in Arch's lifetime. Right to the bandit attack."
"We've got to stop them!" Frederick said. Chrom drew his sword and charged to the town, sister and bodyguard in close pursuit.
The bandits! I completely forgot about them! I need to help!
If only I had a way to fight them!
"Sorry to jump in again so soon. But here you're about to see something that is prevalent in most species of SI: the Power. What is the Power? Well, it varies between each individual, but one fact remains the same: It's fuckin' overpowered."
"Arch!"
What was that voice?
"Arch! Use this!"
A sword appeared at my feet. It glowed with blue light and looked like Noctis' sword from FFXV.
"Referencing an established sword because the writer does not know how to describe it. And just preferred the easy way out."
I picked it up. On a hunch, I threw it at the ground twenty feet in front of me.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH—
Whew! That felt weird. But it is the same weapon from FFXV, that's for sure! Same power, at least.
"This particular SI doesn't have the fortune to have a creative, original power. Instead it just has a stolen one that was thought up by creative minds far stronger than this writers.
"We all do it, so we can't fault this SI for that. I mean, look at Cormag Ravenstaff's Final Emblem. He stole a bunch of powers for that fic!
"Anyway, I think it's time to jump ahead again. We've seen all we can here at this point in the SI's life."
-[Chapter 2: Shepards]-
-[Read: Seriously, At Least Fucking Look At The Script Before Typing Out SHEPHERDS!]-
"You can call me Arch," I said.
Maribelle looked at me appraisingly, and then turned her attention to Lissa.
"Now, most protagonists within the SI are prone to a terrible curse: the Mary Sue. Arch is one of these."
"Hello, Kellam," I greeted.
The armored man looked surprised that I noticed him. "You…saw me?"
Oh right. He's supposed to be invisible.
"A Mary Sue is a character who is loved by everybody and faces no hardship. Very quickly you will see that Arch faces no lack of friends."
"Yo, Teach is a big fan of Arch," Vaike proclaimed, swinging his arm around my shoulder.
"I can't take any more of this circle-jerk pandering. This is just like Corrin. Let's take a pretty big leap into the future."
-[Chapter 9: Emmeryn]-
-[Read: Fuck Canon]-
"Chrom," I begin, "I have a plan."
"Do tell. I am all ears," he nearly begged.
"I can get Emmeryn out of there. But I'll need a distraction." My power would get me up there. But having archers all around shooting at me? Not my kind fun.
"Well there goes any idea of buildup."
"I can provide that. Will you need anyone to come with you?" Chrom asked.
I'd certainly like to have Lucina with me, but we haven't recruited her yet. "No, it'll be better to go alone."
"Let's just take a jump ahead to see how this all goes. Every SI inevitably tries to save Emmeryn because they're selfish and stubborn enough to think they can have a better outcome than the game had."
I sneak on the outskirts of the Plegian ruins. This would be a longer jump than I ever attempted. But I know I can make it.
Her life depends on it.
I will save everyone. I'm not losing people.
"Arch, you should accept that you can't save everyone."
Be quiet, you.
"Remember what I said."
Go away.
…
Ah, she's gone. Excellent.
Huh? What's that noise?
Chrom is charging in! Now's my cue!
I look up to see Emmeryn standing on that ledge. She looks like she's planning on jumping.
I hold my sword tight. Not on my watch.
My eyes hone in on where she's standing. I lift my sword…
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH—
That still rattles me!
"Who are you?"
My eyes drift up to see a bewildered Emmeryn. I guess I did just appear out of nowhere.
Oh shit, she's royalty!
"Um, Lady Emmeryn, I—"
She shakes her head. "No, Arch. I will not be deterred from my destiny."
What?
I reach out to stop her as she leans back, falling off the platform.
SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!
"Seems like as good a place as any to interrupt. Sometimes an SI might succeed, which respectably deviates the story away from the game a little.
"But it doesn't matter, because the story isn't going to change at all in the grand scheme because an SI is created to follow the game. Because fuck creativity.
"…Huh? We'll get backlash if I say that? Well, Frederick, can we take it back at all?
"Frederick, what's livestreaming?"
-[Chapter 11: Mad King Gangrel]-
-[Read: What's A Main Character?]-
The battle is growing intense.
"Well, now that you said that, it's just boring. Word choice is critical! Give me the blood as Arch rips apart enemy after enemy in his OP bloody swath! I want to see the sheer gore!
"Ahem. Disregard that."
"Chrom!" I yell. "Watch my back!"
I don't listen for his reply. I jump deeper into the fray, hurling my sword.
Whew! Didn't scream that time.
"Well, well. Looks like a little maggot got lost!"
Ah, fuck me.
Gangrel.
We exchange blows. He's fast, but my warping helps.
He swings his sword, and lightning chorales me into his reach.
Shit! That hurt!
"Better watch out, little mouse. My blade bites."
I have a plan.
I throw my sword towards him.
Just as he is about to block it, I reappear and land it hit on his chest.
The two of us fall to the ground, my blade pinning him down.
He flails, but doesn't hit me. Any lightning he conjures misses.
And then, he falls limp.
"Hey Arch, when did you become the main character of this story? Last time I checked, it was Chrom.
"Or me. You bastard put me out of a job! Now I'm going to have to hop through the plot hole which is the Outrealm Gate and get a job that actually requires experience and a brain."
-[Chapter 12: Seacomers]-
-[Read: How Do You Write A Timeskip?]-
"Now we're at the point where things get…bad. Like, real bad.
"Suddenly, Arch gets completely immersed in Ylisse like he was born there.
"Yeah, I agree. It doesn't really make very much sense. At least we don't have to live through the timeskip with some crappy arc about bandits or some shit."
Two years passed. A lot happened.
Chrom married Sumia. No big surprise there. But you know what was surprising? They asked me to stand up in their wedding as Chrom's best man.
"Never mind that this entirely different world would no doubt have different wedding traditions than Earth's."
Yeah, my speech didn't seem too bad. I said—
"SKIP SKIP SKIP!"
And I got a lot of training in. If I were a character in Awakening, I'd totally be a class called a Warp Fighter. That sounds so cool.
And I learned magic.
"Of course you did."
But everything changed when the Valmese nation attacked.
"Seriously? A reference? We were doing so well too."
Naturally, Chrom chose me to lead our vanguard. Flavia and Basilio seconded.
"Excuse me while I got vomit. I didn't know I was signing up to commentate circle-jerk porn.
"…
"…
"…
"BLEARGH!"
"Ah, that's better. Let's take another jump. We've seen all we have to see now. Let's skip past meeting Lucina. No need to torture you with the badly written romance.
"I mean, I don't even like Lucina, and I feel bad for how she gets treated by this writing. It's like her only purpose in this fic is to fall in love with Arch…"
-[Paralogue: Another Exalt]-
-[Read: Love Is A Badge To Wear]-
"You mean…you're my child?" I ask this new girl.
"Sure am," my blue haired child said. He says his name is Devin. "Not that you're worthy of calling me your child."
"What a fucking little edgelord.
"Now, I had hoped to spare us from shitty OC children, but it looks like that won't happen. But naturally, they're an edgy little shit because any other form of character just isn't cool enough for twelve year olds.
"Yeah, Frederick, I'm starting to think doing this was a bad idea."
"Who's your mother?" I ask.
"You mean she's not attached at your hip? From my time, it seemed like she didn't do anything except live to please you."
"This kid is savage! I almost like him."
"Answer the question!" I nearly yell.
Devin rolls his eyes. "Lucina, who else?"
Fucking what?
You mean I married Lucina?
I had sex with Lucina?
"Woah, someone should slow down this hormonal twelve year old.
"Do you think he's ever even been in a relationship? Eh, probably not. I bet she'd be grossed out by his furious fanboy jerk-offs to Lucina.
"…Definitely went too far on that one."
"Arch, what is this?" Lucina said, coming up behind me.
Oh dear. This'll get awkward.
"Oh, this is…erm, nothing." Would she buy it?
Devin didn't. "I'm his kid. You're my mom. You fucked him, and had me."
I've never seen Lucina blush that hard before. I now have the slightest bit of respect for Devin.
Though seriously, who raised this kid?
Oh right, me.
"Hang on, let me just look at the script to see where this is going.
"Would you believe that he and Lucina go back to his tent, and magically fall in love?
"If you said no, smart choice. But this is an SI. Logic and reason do not exist. So of course they magically fall in love. Love is just an accolade to have in an SI, because getting with your favorite characters turn people on.
"I'm going to have an aneurism soon."
-[Chapter 21: Five Gemstones]-
-[Read: When The Going Gets Tough, We Grab The Script]-
"Beg pardon, Arch. Might I have a word?"
Everyone knows that you listen to your wife when she wants to talk. "...Lucina. What is it?"
"It's about my father. I have memories of him, you know. From when I was little. Before he...died."
"I see..." I reply.
"He was courageous, and kind, and everyone spoke fondly of him. People say he was brave right up until the very end. I always yearned to know him better. And now that I do... I can see that the world will be robbed of a very great man. ...I won't allow that to happen."
"I understand. You love him. ...We all do."
"Arch, I... Please, forgive me..."
She points her sword at me, her husband.
"Let me get back on track with our original purpose: seeing the SI in its natural environment. Now typically when an SI reaches a moment of emotional tension that coincides with the game's canon, it reverts to the script.
"Why, you might ask? Because the creator just simply does not have the ability to create the tension they want.
"This is not inherently bad, but certainly trying and failing is better than not trying at all."
"Lucina…" I whisper. "Don't do this."
"Wait…is this a deviation from the script?"
"We have a son. We both need to be there for him now more than ever," I implore. "Do you want to kill Devi's father?"
Lucina drops the sword. Her thin resolve crumbles. She runs to my arms.
"Not…as bad as I expected."
-[Endgame: Grima]-
-[Read: We're The Main Character Again]-
"Grima!" I scream, watching Lucina get smacked away by his puppet of me.
"Be careful!"
I hurled my sword towards the other Arch. His head turned towards me, away from my wife.
Reappearing, I slashed at him, only to be blocked by black spikes. I continued to throw my sword, trying to find an opening.
Devin jumped at him, holding aloft his sword. Grima took the time to bat him aside.
Which bought me enough time to stab him in the back.
"Arch!" Lucina screamed.
"Hey, you know who doesn't matter anymore? Chrom."
Grima fell to his knees, and struck him at the neck.
It was weird to see my head rolling away. Silly puppet.
Something tugged in my chest. I too fell to the ground, hand over my heart.
Damn. And I bet Lucina and I would have had a fun night.
"Seriously. Grow. Up."
She ran to my side, our son Devin not far behind. Other Shepherds crowded around me.
I closed my eyes.
-[Epilogue]-
-[Read: Little Kids Can't Deal With Death, Fuck Awakening]-
I'm in a field.
"Dammit. And here I hoped he'd actually die. But an SI has a penchant for not getting killed, update-wise or character-wise.
"It would be so unique if the creator just axed their character. I'd laugh and laugh.
"Yes, Frederick, I really would."
That voice that had been talking to me…she gave me a choice.
I chose to stay here.
I mean, what did I have in the real world?
"A family."
This is my real world now. I have a wife and a child. These are my new people.
I'm not going back to plain old Earth.
"Good, because I'm sure the police are looking for you. I'll bet you face is plastered on billboards saying: HAVE YOU SEEN THIS CHILD?"
Lucina…
I'm back!
"Is it over?
"I think it is!
"Well, that was our little tour through the life of a typical SI. Certainly there's no reason to try and indulge in many more now. They all follow this structure for the most part.
"Frederick, I know some are unique in some ways. I mean, look at seashellsally's Gaiden Chapters! That is a story I completely enjoyed! That's the best SI in the FE fandom.
"Ladies and gentlemen and everyone in between, thank you for coming on this tour today. I hope you learned something, or at least were able to take away something.
"…
"…
"…
"…Frederick, is this thing off?
"How the fuck should I know? You're the one who gave it to me!
"You don't know anything about this?
"Maybe I just have to hit this but—"
Author Notes: I'm going to get hate for this one.