I wish I could delete you. I wish I could erase you from my memories.

I wish I could pretend that I never met you at all. I wish I never opened up to you.

I should have known. But I knew. I knew it. Did I not?

I knew that day we met. I knew it wouldn't end well as the day progressed. It moved too fast… too soon.

It was going too well. By the book even; it was perfect.

You were perfect. Perfect for me. But that should have been the first clue.

I told you once; that was in Baskerville was it not? That I don't have friends… there's a reason for that. A reason that has now been cemented.

Why?

Why did it have to happen this way. Why did it have to be you? And why did it have to be me?

I close my eyes and I see you. I see the same you every time. And it makes me fight every single blink.

I see the look on your face. I can hear my own breath. Ragged; withheld.

Why did you do this?

It would be so much easier if we never met. If I had stayed alone. You weren't happy when I told you this the last time; that alone protects me.

The truth is… it would have protected you. It would… It could.

I can't stop this pesky blinking. I can't stop this… seeing your eyes; the wink you gave me. Did you try to reassure me?

Did you try to tell me it was all right? Did you try to save me some of the pain? But you didn't… John… you failed.

I tried to tell you. I let you in on my plan. Why. Why didn't you see? Why didn't you listen?

Why didn't you move?

It should have been me. It should always have been me.

I would trade places with you if I could. Can I?

Please. Please. I don't want this. Stop this. End this!

You have to live.

You have to…

I keep seeing you. I see it over and over and over again. Your pupils dilating. You holding your breath; setting your shoulders… ever the soldier. Ever the soldier you were.

You braced for the impact… you knew what to prepare for. And I saw you tried to be brave.

You even gave me a smile; before you closed your eyes.

A smile… John. Was that how you wanted me to remember you? What kind of man does that?

You closed your eyes; sparing yourself what I was forced to watch.

I had to watch your eyes shooting open; your face contort in pain. Pain that you tried to brave your way through.

And I had to watch you fall. I had to watch you sink to your knees; grabbing at your chest.

And I saw it. John… The betrayal in your eyes when you realized what I had done. Did… did you think it was a trick? John… oh John. This wasn't my plan. It shouldn't have been like this at all.

John, I'm… I'm sorry. I am. Please, let me claw at your knees for forgiveness. Allow me that. Allow me one more chance.

Please take this away from me.

Will I always have to see your head fall back; cushioned by the falling snow… do I have to see the snow turn from white to red.

Snow.

Wait.

We were in a locked room. How could there be snow?

Oh… I've done it again, haven't I?

"What will it be? Tick tock; Mr Holmes"

Oh John. Look at me. Please. Keep your eyes on me.

Please.

Promise me.

"I love you"