Disclaimer: Still hiding under my bed so I'm trying to starve it out, I'll tell you if I can catch it.

The coward's way out:

Theon dry heaved yet again. Leaning over a bucket had been his sole task for the last five hours, ever since he realized that he had given his sister a good fondling, he had even licked clean his fingers afterwards for fucks sake. Not for the first time he cursed Robb for approving and even encouraging Theon's idea to let him go to return to the Iron isles to try and get Balon Greyjoy to join in rebellion. For the first time he wondered if perhaps it wouldn't have been better if Jon had been chosen as King in the North. True Theon may hate the legitimized bastard more than anyone else in the world, and Jon may cause Theon's blood to run cold and scare the shit out of him, but at the same time. If Jon was King, Theon would never had experienced how his sister's cunt tasted, 'oh gods,' he thought as he produced another impressive spray of projectile vomit.

Theon fucking hated his life. Half his life he had lived as a hostage in Winterfell, being treated almost as part of the family but never quite like it. Having to live with the fact that a bastard was more loved and well treated by the majority of the Starks and their bannermen over him the Heir to the Iron Islands had vexed him like you wouldn't believe. To make matters worse the bastard constantly showed him up in nearly anything. Riding, fighting, even when it came to whoring around Jon Snow beat him, and most insultingly at all he didn't even have to pay for it, unlike Theon who spent the majority of the generous amount of coin he got as a stipend.

Then upon his return, he molests his sister, gets slapped by his father and mocked by his uncles, hopefully things would improve soon. He had at least been invited to the war council his father would hold soon. Despondently he realized that he was in for another round of mocking, and he started to curse his penchant for extravagant clothing this time. His 'best' outfit had made his family directly question his masculinity and the only thing that differed the rest of his garments from the one he wore on his arrival was the slightly less amount of gold embroidery present. Now dressed in the least ostentatious outfit he swiftly made his way to his father's solar, spotting Asha and his uncles Aeron and Victarion already there, leant over a table that had a large map of Westeros spread over it.

"Nephew," Victarion greeted him,

"You're late boy," his father snarled.

Asha sniffed slightly and wrinkled her nose in displeasure before smirking at him. "Spent some time vomiting brother? Whatever for?"

Theon clenched his fists as his cheeks reddened. "Fuck you," he spat at her.

"Pah, you did a good enough job of that already, a minute or two more and I'd have you straight on your back."

"Oh gods," Theon whimpered as he ran towards the window, barely opening it in time to vomit again. His business finally done he walked over to the table, trying his best to appear nonchalant to the fact that he had just vomited up whatever bile was left in his stomach. Looking over the map he narrowed his eyes in confusion. The map displaying the North had several pieces representing Ironborn dotted over it. His uncle Victarion was situated at Moat Cailin, while Asha's piece was situated on Deepwood Motte. Pieces representing Houses Harlaw and Drumm were placed further inland at Torrhen's Square, while lastly Theon's piece and several other small pieces representing small lone longships were all scattered about on the Stony Shore.

"Father…" Theon said slowly. "Why in the name of the Gods are our forces poised to strike at the North? The war is in the south against the Lannisters."

"Who said anything about the Lannisters?" Balon said.

"While the Northerners are waging war in the south we'll cut the legs out from under them by conquering the North in their absence," Asha said as if it was evident.

Theon felt cold sweat break out on his body as his mind filled with vivid depictions of exactly Jon Fucking Snow would do to poor Theon once he learnt that Theon had allowed even a single reaver get within a mile of his wife and children. For that matter he doubted said revears would even have the chance to be torn limb from fucking limb by the fucking bastard. Not even the Gods knew what nasty shit Jon's insane Maester had hidden and stored in, and around Moat Cailin, and he felt a sudden pity for whatever fool would be stupid enough to try and take the fortress. "Father, " Theon said with a slow calm voice, as if explaining to a child why he couldn't do something. "Are you that desperate for the Starks to wipe us out?" Theon should have expected the slap, he really should. It still stung like a bitch.

"It's perfect Theon," his uncle Victarion said. "The Northerners have marched off to war, their lands, women and riches are ours for the taking."

"I see…" he said. 'by the Gods, how dense can my family get?' he thought while looking closer at his father. He had always taken more after his mother than his father so he had never questioned it before, but now he wasn't so sure, 'There is no way…no WAY I could have come from his loins,' Theon thought surly. "And what is it you intend for me to do then?"

Asha smirked at him. "The Stony Shire is scattered with small fishing villages all over, you are to raid them," no doubt she thought that this would be the most insulting thing possible to task Theon with.

He did not react as they expected. Instead of raging and claiming how this was beneath him, Theon paled significantly and shook with fear.

"Afraid of a few fishing villages nephew?" His uncle Aeron asked.

"YOU FUCKING IDIOTS!" Theon shouted as his hysteria built. "Let me explain to you exactly why this is a tremendously bad fucking idea. FIRST!" he said as he held up a finger. "Robb marched down with an army gathered in all haste, eighteen thousand men, which means that within a month or so he can gather an additional twenty thousand or so at least, or he used to." He paused for breath while raising another finger. "TWO! Thanks to Jon Fucking Stark the Stony Shore ain't so empty anymore after he went North of the wall and somehow managed to forge a peace with the wildlings, the Stony Shore has since become the home of a hundred thousand savage wildling with mammoths and fucking GIANTS…and lastly, if you think Robert Baratheon and Ned Stark were harsh after your pitiful failed Rebellion, I can assure you that Jon Stark will have his vengeance, and he won't rest until the Isles are red with blood and anything or anyone living here lies dead and broken at his feet."

The rest of his family shared disbelieving looks before laughing mockingly at him. "Such a vivid imagination," Balon muttered. "His mother coddled him for too long I think."

Seeing that his family refused to listen Theon turned his back and marched off back to his rooms. He was fucked either way, so seeing how his family had just about disowned him he figured that he might as well fuck them right back. Penning a letter to both Jon and Robb, explaining what was about to happen, while telling Jon to go fuck himself in any way he could express himself on paper. With the letter finished he had it sent to Riverrun by the Maester and then got back to his room. There was no way his father would let him run off now, for that matter he didn't much fancy his chances at a warm welcome either when he got back, especially if he ran into Jon's army of wildlings, giants, mammoths, valemen, dornishmen, Sandor Fucking Clegane and a pride of Direwolfs who were constantly eyeing up Theon's legs, the desire to use them as snacks evident in their amber eyes. No there was only one thing to do. Saying one last prayer for his doomed soul he jumped out the window. Moments later a guard discovered Theon's mangled form shortly after hearing a loud yell of 'FUCK YOU JON STARK'.

AN: Well this is the first one. I'll be continuing posting little snippets as I write them. Many/Most of them are ideas that have been churning around in my head for some time. Others are 'deleted scenes' that at one point I thought of using in either of my stories, but eventually decided to shelf. So to make it clear, none of these one shots/omakes are in any way canon in any of my stories unless said otherwise.

Cheers

Manowarrior