Chapter One

Bella

His body was so beautiful, his skin cool and smooth under my fingers as his shirt fell to the floor. Hungry lips fixed on mine, his tongue running along the inside of my mouth as I groaned in pleasure. His hands glided over my naked body awakening feelings I had only been able to dream of until now. I had thought it would be wonderful when I first gave myself but nothing had prepared me for this. As he slowly entered me I found myself arching my back and trying to pull him further in my breath coming in short gasps.

At this point I woke up to find myself alone in my single bed in my own bedroom, the rain falling on another depressing daybreak in Forks Washington. I got up and crossed to my desk turning on my computer and bringing up my email program. There was the usual one from my mother asking how my college applications were going and telling me all her news. Then came the questions I dreaded, How is Edward? Has he proposed yet? I shut the laptop and closed my eyes, sitting back in my chair. I should have known better than to think I could take my mind off what had taken place only a week ago.

It played over and over again in my dreams which wasn't so bad, at least I didn't feel the crushing guilt in my sleep. That only came when I woke and realized I couldn't go on like this but deciding what to do was tearing me apart. Of course, I knew I had a choice, I could keep quiet, say nothing and act as if everything was just as it had been, Edward need never know but somehow I knew I couldn't continue, not after all that had happened. I knew and every time I saw Edward, every time he took my hand or kissed me I was comparing it with him.

Of course, Edward knew there was something wrong, he wasn't a total fool. I couldn't hide the change in my attitude but he had no idea what he'd done wrong, how could he? I was the one at fault, not him. I showered studying my body in the full-length mirror on the back of the bathroom door. I didn't look any different but then why should I? It wasn't as if you were branded if you had sex, even if it wasn't with the guy you were in a relationship with but I felt different, more alive than I had ever done. It was as if I had been reborn but with that feeling came the terrible knowledge that I was wrong to keep Edward hanging on, I didn't love him, I'm not sure I ever really did. I had to find a way to break the relationship without explaining the true reason, that would only crush him still further.

I had decided today would be the day, it was a weekend so I wouldn't have to face him across a classroom for two days. We had nothing planned, he was just coming over this afternoon and Charlie would be at work so we would have the place to ourselves. I laughed a little bitterly if it had been anyone but Edward that might have meant something but he treated ,me like I was a saint or he was. He knew how much I had wanted him, I'd told him often enough but he refused to go further than we already had chaste kisses and cuddles. Now I was thankful, I doubted he could have taken me to such heights of passion.

I guess what upset me most was his excuse, that vampires lost control at such times and he was scared he would either bite or kill me.

"It's too dangerous Bella. Let's wait until school finishes then we can make plans. Get married and then, once you become like me, well, things will be different. Well, that had been proved a crock of shit! So, did he not fancy me? He knew I fancied him so did he find it amusing to keep me waiting? Well, whatever the reason, today he would get a shock.

I dressed in jeans and a sloppy sweater, comfortable clothes but clothes Edward wasn't keen on. The thought I wouldn't have to worry what I wore any longer felt strangely liberating as did the thought Edward wouldn't be trying to orchestrate my life any longer. I had found all that endearing at the time but now it felt claustrophobic.

I forced myself to eat breakfast with Charlie who as usual was oblivious to my nervousness. As a cop, he was red hot but when it came to his daughter…..he didn't have a clue but he wouldn't be shedding any tears over my parting with Edward. He had never been a great fan of Edward although he would be curious as to why along with the rest of the Cullens I was sure but they would all just have to wonder because I had no intention of telling anyone.

The closer it came to the time Edward was due over the more nervous I became. I knew what I was going to do was the right thing but that didn't make the telling any easier. I wondered how he would react, would he question me or just leave? Would he fight for me? Or walk away and forget all about me? I wasn't afraid he would become angry, Edward never became angry, that would be to lose control, and he feared that more than anything.

When I heard his car drive up I took a few deep breaths wishing this was all over and went to open the door. He was standing there by the time I swung the door open and greeted me with a beaming smile and a bouquet of flowers.

"You've looked really down this week Bella so I thought these might cheer you up. I got tickets for that movie you wanted to see too and we can have dinner before at the little Italian restaurant. The one we went to when we first met in Port Angeles."

I took the flowers from him wordlessly and he followed me into the kitchen and watched as I put them in a vase.

"Bella, I know there's something wrong and I think I know what it is."

I turned to look at him in surprise,

"You do?"

"Yes, and I understand. The ordeal in Phoenix was terrible for you and it didn't help your relationship with your father. Things have been difficult all round. Then, of course, I failed you last week. I know I promised to pick you up from work and take you to the school meeting but then I got held up. I would have preferred it if Esme or Rosalie had stepped in but Jasper was the only one home. I thought you'd forgiven me but I guess I was wrong."

"Sit down Edward, we need to talk."

He frowned but sat down and looked at me expectantly.

"I'm sorry Edward but things aren't working out and it has nothing to do with last week."

"Not working out? Oh, Bella, you just need time to get over everything that happened in Phoenix. I promise you that I will never let anything like that happen to you again."

He just didn't want to accept that things were over between us putting it all down to what happened in Phoenix. I couldn't explain the real reason and everything I did say he deliberately misunderstood or ignored. After half an hour I knew I would have to be brutal.

"Edward, it's over. I'm sorry to hurt you and I promise to keep your secret but that's it."

"Bella, you can't mean that. You are everything to me, my life."

"No, I'm not and you aren't mine Edward. You need to go."

" I don't think I could bear to lose someone else, we've already lost Jasper."

I only just managed to hold my face impassive,

"Jasper?"

"Yes, he told us last night he was leaving and this morning he was gone."

What he didn't know was that I was already aware of Jasper's departure. He had rung me yesterday and told me he couldn't stay. That he was sorry but he couldn't stand the thought of me with Edward and knew what had happened shouldn't have happened although he didn't regret that it had.

"I should go, Bella, I am so sorry but coming between you and my brother is all wrong, he loves you. I am so sorry Bella, I wish I'd met you first but….."

Then before I could say anything, tell him how I felt he rang off.

Eventually, Edward was forced to accept that I meant what I said and got up to leave.

"I'm sorry Bella for whatever changed your feelings for me. The funny thing is that Carlisle warned me if I didn't ease up on you I risked alienating you and I guess that's what I did but if you ever need anything, if I can ever help you in any way, Bella…"

At the door, he turned and kissed me tenderly on the forehead,

"Be happy Bella, that's all I ever wanted for you. To be happy and safe."

Then he turned and walked away without a backwards glance, it was over.