(A/N) Written before the premiere.

When he got a good look at the woman the Flash had whooshed into his lab, Cisco let out a string of curses. "Oh, hell no, now I know for sure you're trying to ruin my life."

Caitlin Snow tottered a little - she still wore those skyscraper heels - and turned. "You," she spat when she spotted him. "I might have known you'd be behind this. Since when do you have a pet speedster?"

"Whoa, hey, don't put this on me. That clown is not my pet anything."

Over by the computers, Wally was convulsing with laughter. Iris stood shaking her head. Barry looked at them both like a Labrador retriever who'd just retrieved a stick and discovered it was a rattlesnake.

She ignored them all and advanced on him, her face thunderous. "What will it take to get it through your head? I don't want money. I don't want clothes. I don't want jewelry. I don't want a job. I don't want an educational TV show with Bill Nye - "

Cisco winced. That particular present had been … not well-thought-out.

"I don't want my own lab - "

"Think tank," he corrected. "I offered you your own think tank!"

She ignored that, of course. "I don't want a government appointment. All I want from you is to be left alone!"

"Time out, what? Government appointment?"

"Like you don't know."

"Pretend I don't. What government appointment?"

She scoffed. "Please. Like you didn't call in a favor and get my name on the shortlist for the assistant director position at the Spearhead Institute."

"Caitlin! What? That's amazing! That's huge! I'm so proud of you!"

She snorted.

"I am," he said. "I had nothing to do with that. Spearhead Institute? Who runs that?" He could pick up the phone, drop a word, give her a leg up -

"General Eiling," she said. "They're a military sub-contractor."

"Eiling? That dude?" He shuddered. "That's not a good dude. We're not on terms." They hadn't met often, but Eiling gave him the heebs, for real. He wondered who he'd have to call to oust the guy so Caitlin could still do the job but not have to deal with him.

"And it doesn't matter now, I turned it down." She looked uncertain, through her rage. "You really didn't have anything to do with that?"

"You turned it down? Caitlin, Jesus, you need to get that stick out of your ass. You can't be turning down major career opportunities just because you think I might have had something to do with it!"

Her fists clenched. "You don't tell me what to do. I'm not an employee or a minion or a bimbo of the month."

"I've been dating Sabrina for two months, thank you very much."

"Five and a half weeks does not equal two months without some vigorous rounding-up. But the point is, I don't appreciate being picked up and brought here like your takeout pizza."

Barry shifted in between them. "Uh? 'Scuse me? I think I have to clear the air here."

"You stay back," she snarled. "You stay right where you are."

He actually took a step backwards, his shoulders hunching up. Cisco was impressed in spite of himself. He sure hadn't been able to boss the weirdo around like this yet. Of course, Caitlin had always been more efficient at terrifying underlings.

From a safe distance, Barry said, "Ummm, Cisco is telling the truth."

Caitlin's voice could have frozen lava. "That's Mr. Ramon, to you."

"Uh - uh - Mr. Ramon didn't know I was going to get you. He had nothing to do with it."

She folded her arms. Something glittered on her right hand, and Cisco told himself not to look closer just in case it wasn't the ring he'd given her, on the wrong finger. He put his own right hand, with the heavy gold ring she'd given him when he'd made his first million, behind his back.

She was saying, "But he's still why you picked me, right?"

"Um. No?"

"Do you have any idea who I am?"

"Dr. Caitlin Snow?"

"And?"

"A … scientist?" His voice trailed off uncertainly.

Caitlin gave him a hard look.

Not that Cisco blamed her. Everybody knew who she was. She'd been an answer in the New York Times crossword puzzle last year. Six across, if memory served. The only NYT crossword Cisco had ever left unfinished.

"Are you playing dumb?" she asked.

"Oh, he's not playing," Cisco said. "He really is that dumb."

Wally let out a hoot of laughter and just slid right to the floor. Iris put her head in her hands.

Barry said, "Okay, that's enough. Can one of you please explain what it is I'm missing?"

Cisco shook his head. "Congratulations, stringbean. Out of all the scientists in Central City that you could have picked, you managed to kidnap my ex-wife."

FINIS