17 YEARS AGO

1. The Beginning

TRIS

It's been three months.

Three months since what was supposed to be my initiation day into Dauntless and the rest of my new life somehow unexpectedly became what I was sure would have been the end of it. Three months since I watched my parents' bodies fall to the ground limp and lifeless. Three months since Tobias and I shut down the simulation and fled the city. Three months that we've been living in the middle of nowhere in a camp, just before the wall, prepared for us by the Amity.

I watched as green leaves turned to brown ones turned to white ones. I actually prefer the snow. It covers the bright shades of orange that I have become so sick of seeing. Sadly it does nothing to silence the laughter of Amity children throwing snowballs at each other.

At first it made me miserable, having to mourn the death of my parents while stuck in Happyville. Now it makes me all but hysterical, wanting to stab them all in the eye to see if they'll keep smiling. These hormones aren't really making me into a ball of sunshine.

I should be more grateful. These people have been nothing but helpful toward us since the attack on Abnegation, endangering their own lives to protect us until our plans are carried out. That's much more than can be said for the Candor, whose leader refused to help us in any way after Jeanine threatened to excise all detractors of her new kingdom. The Amity, apart from a few other defectors, are our only allies. Still, I wish they would turn it down a notch.

As I step out of the forest and onto the wide open field that is our campsite, I walk briskly past the campfire and head toward our tent, disregarding the people smiling at me on the way there. I pull up the hoody of my coat as if attempting to protect my face from the cold wind, except the evening sun is bright and warm and they already know I'm ignoring them. I don't know why they still try. If there was ever a day I'd smile back, it is not today.

I see a tiny person in the distance, standing in front of my tent. She is wearing a red coat that is much too large and her long dark hair too heavy to be picked up by the wind.

Rae.

She's the only friend I've managed to make amongst the Amity. She is quite livid for a seven year old girl, even more so for one of the Amity, and in normal situations I'd find it more than a bit troubling. But there is nothing normal about our situation and she is the only other person in this camp who seems to be as exasperated as I am at the undying happiness that we must succumb to on a daily basis. Most times it makes me want to throw up. The leader of the camp, a short dark-skinned woman named Hermione, has warned us that we should try harder to be 'nice', especially after Tobias and Marcus' last flare-up. But we are not 'nice' people.

I hear the sound of my breaths as the cold air slips into my lungs and the silent crunches of the ground with every step I take. As I get closer I feel my heartbeat in my throat and the breathing and the crunching seem louder in my ears. I have no idea how to say what I am about to say. I have no idea how Tobias will react. Sometimes I don't know what to expect from him, the way his moods tend to shift without warning. Usually something like this would be good news, but right now I am not so sure that it is.

I remove my gloves as Rae comes walking slowly to greet me. She's always careful not to be too cheery around me, even when she's having a good day. I appreciate her consideration. I bend over and pull her into a tight hug. She smells like smoke and firewood, like she's been playing around the campfire all day. But Rae hardly ever plays with the other Amity children.

"Hi Rae. You keeping Four's company?" I say, trying to hide the nervousness in my voice.

"As a matter of fact, I am," she grins. There's a tooth missing in the right side of her smile. I smile back. I realize it's the first time I've smiled today. She must realize it too. "You look tired. I'll go help my dad make dinner," she says. Although, I'm not sure how much help she'll be. Her father, David, is one of the cooks at the camp. I watch her as she runs past the haphazardly placed orange tents of the campsite that lie between my own and the makeshift cafeteria. She must have had a nice time. She always enjoys being around Tobias.

I make sure that she's under the roof of the eating area before I step into my tent.

I see him seated in the corner, his elbows on the table and his head rested between his palms. It's not a large space and we don't have much furniture. From the entrance of our tent our bed is the only thing shielded from view so his eyes find mine as I enter. He scans my face and frowns a little when he sees that today is not a smiling day. He stands to his feet, the wooden chair creaking when he does. Where he stands, the canvas roof of our tent is only one foot above his head.

Tobias crosses the room in two long strides and takes me into his arms. I wrap my own around his waist and I inhale deeply, taking in his scent and hoping that it is enough to calm me. I've always associated his scent with safety and love and warmth.

"Is everything ok, Tris?"

He pulls away to look at me when he asks and raises an eyebrow. He knows how much I hate that question. I must look really bad for him to have asked.

I will my mouth to answer, but no words come out and suddenly it gets harder to breathe. A look of concern builds on his face as he sees the fear written on mine. I make him promise me that he won't get angry before I say another word.

"Did Marcus say something to you again? I swear if he did I'll-"

"No." I cut him off. "He hasn't bothered me since."

Marcus was entirely in disagreement with Tobias and I sharing a tent. I'm not sure why he felt the need to force his Abnegation values on us. He probably thinks we're an embarrassment to our former faction, or maybe just to him, especially since most of what's left of the Abnegation is here to see his defected son out rightly repudiate their way of life. Tobias was upset of course and told him to mind his own business. I didn't really care until he brought my mother into it. But he was wrong. My mother would not have been ashamed of me or any of my choices. "I love you. No matter what," is what she said to me just before I made the choice to leave her, and she did. She loved me to the end. And wherever she is, if she is anywhere at all, she still does. Although now I'm starting to think that maybe we could have avoided our current situation if we had just stayed in separate tents like Marcus told us to.

"Tris..."

"I'm pregnant," I say, not quite meeting his eyes. I wasn't quite sure how to begin the conversation so I figured I might as well start with that. His arms fall to his side and his mouth opens. He stands there in silence just staring at me and it kills me. I can't read his expression, but I do know that quiet is dangerous with Tobias.

"Are you sure?" It's all that he can manage to say after what feels like a thousand long seconds of silence.

"Yes. I've been feeling sick lately, so this morning I went to see a nurse at Amity."

His eyes open wide at my comment. "Tris, you know we're not supposed to go there. If we're seen by any of the Dauntless traitors we could get the entire faction charged with treason."

Well it's not my fault that the camp has no clinic of any kind.

"I was careful," I say softly, not wanting to upset him any more than he already seems to be. "I just wanted to be sure. I'm sorry." I stare at the ground and at his dark T-shirt and at the black ink curling around his neck, but I don't look at his face. I'm afraid to look into his eyes; afraid of what I'll see there. Afraid that he doesn't want this.

"Why didn't you tell me that you were sick? That you thought you were pregnant? I would have gone with you." He raises my chin and forces me to look at him. His dark blue eyes look as troubled as I feel but to my relief I don't see any anger in them.

"I didn't want you to worry," I shrug and then turn my face away. "It could have been nothing." And it could have been nothing. Christina told me that it's normal to miss a period or two under stressful situations. And considering that both of my parents were shot dead before my eyes, I would not have been surprised if I had missed my period for another year.

"How long have you suspected?" He crouches a little to match his height with mine. He raises my chin gently, forcing me yet again to look at him. A deep rumble moves through me like a shudder.

"About two weeks," I say.

Tears fill my eyes as I answer his question and the weight of the fear that I had been carrying around crushes me. He quickly pulls me into him as he sooths me, rubbing his hand up and down my back. I sob into his chest, clutching on to his shirt. After months of crying I'm surprised that I still have any tears left at all. He holds me tighter than I think he ever has. I think I can feel him shaking.

"I can't be pregnant, Tobias." But I am. "It's not safe. What if something happens to the baby? And what are we gonna do about the mission? I don't know what to tell the others. I've messed up everything." All my thoughts escape my lips at once. Too fast for me to stop them from pouring out. But I don't regret them. This is my fault. I wanted to get lost in him. I wanted to forget the grief and the pain if only just for a moment.

"I'm not worried about the mission, Tris," his voice breaking, "I'm worried about you, both of you."

I look at him. His eyes are wet. I never thought I would see Tobias cry. It makes me hurt. And it reminds me just how frightening this all is. He pulls me back into him as he breaths deeply into my hair and then says, "And this isn't your fault. I'm as much to blame."

He's right. We both did this. Still, I can't help but feel like the worst person in the world. I'm the one who recklessly got pregnant during a time as dark as this one, where tomorrows are uncertain. I've not only endangered my own life, but the life of the innocent child within me. Neither can I stop myself from feeling entirely responsible for destroying the mission. After all, he still gets to go. I don't.

"Don't worry about the others," he says. "I'll do the talking."

"Thank You," I say.

It was hard enough for me to tell Tobias that I was pregnant with his child. I can't imagine what I would say in front of everybody else. A strange feeling takes over me, and it feels a lot like shame. Like I've been stripped naked in front of a crowd. Only I have been stripped before, that day when Peter yanked my towel away from me during initiation. This shame feels worse than that shame, but it is quickly replaced by a stronger feeling.

"I'm scared, Tobias," I whimper.

"Me too," he whispers into my hair. "But it'll be ok. We'll readjust the plan, we'll take back the city, and me, you and our baby will be safe." His voice is strong, determined. "Everything will be ok." Although I'm not so sure I'm the one he's trying to convince.

"Come on," he says to me as he gently leads me over to our bed. The planks of wood that line the ground floor creak beneath our feet as we walk. I slide open the thick, dark bed curtains and as I sit down he removes my coat and shoes and helps me get changed into more comfortable clothes. He is gentle. His touch against my skin comforting.

Maybe it was foolish of me to even think that he would have been upset. I can tell that he's worried about me. I'm worried about him too. I've had time to suspect, confirm and accept my fate. He has not. All of a sudden I feel guilty for not telling him sooner. I'm sure this is not how he planned to spend his evening.

When night falls, I just lay there in the darkness, surrounding myself with as much of his body as I can. Neither of us speaks, and neither of us sleeps. Tomorrow we must face our friends and tell them that we've managed to sabotage a plan that took three months to ready, that in a few months I won't be able to defend myself, much less this city. The thought makes me want to laugh and then scream at the top of my lungs.

We've turned what was supposed to be one of life's most joyous moments into an undeniably ill-fated situation. What have we done?

It takes forever for morning to come. Possibly because I've been awake all night and every second had felt like ten; or maybe because I've been dreading it ever since Tobias and I went to bed. I spin around to face him and he sits up a little. He looks just as restless as I imagine I do. I'm not so sure it's a good day so I don't say so.

"I'm staying with you." His words come out of nowhere. He's been thinking about this all night too.

"Tobias, you have to go. They need you," I say.

"But you need me here," he says. "You come first, Tris. You know that."

My heart skips a beat when I fully understand what he is saying to me. I am more important to him than saving this city from the malevolent reign of Jeanine Matthews. I am not sure if that is flattering or nonsensical.

"But if you don't go and they fail?" He'll never forgive himself. The probability of success goes way down if Tobias isn't on board. It's bad enough that I'm not going. But that's not what I say. "This isn't the world I want our baby to grow up in."

I know that it is the only argument that will make him leave me here alone with our unborn child for an indefinite amount of time. It could take up to six months before we get all the information we need. And that's just before we attack. He could miss my entire pregnancy. He could miss the birth of our child. The thought terrifies me. I'll always want to be wherever Tobias is, and I'll always want him to be wherever I am, but this is bigger than either of us. "If you go with them, they have a better chance," I say.

"I don't want to leave you here alone, Tris. I'll miss everything," he says. His eyes look pained and he leans closer to me, his fingers brushing over my forehead, my eyebrows, my cheeks, my lips.

"But it's the only way to make sure we'll always be safe," I say. I rub my palm gently against his check. He takes my hand and presses it to his mouth, leaving a small kiss there. It's decided.

"Ben's gonna come back once a month right?" I whisper. "We can send messages." I try to force a smile through the tears that are now streaming toward my makeshift pillow, but I fail miserably. He doesn't need to tell me that that is not enough. I already know this. He touches my face again, his thumb skimming my cheekbone, and his eyes are on mine, intense and insistent. He stares deep into my wet eyes as I stare back into his dark blue ones. We have a silent, unspoken conversation.

I have to go

I know

I don't want to

I don't want you to

It will be painful

Every single second of it

He kisses me. I become aware of every slide of his lips against mine. I feel pain and comfort and desperation all at once rising from somewhere deep within my chest and emptying itself upon my cheeks through closed eyelids. His thumb wipes away my tears as our lips move and he pulls me deeper into the kiss before slowly pulling away. He holds my face in his hands and places a soft kiss on my forehead before sitting up on the bed and removing his covers and I know that it's time to go.

The sooner the others know the faster they can readjust the plan. I get dressed hesitantly, dreading the unavoidable chat we're about to have with them.

"Ready?" he asks me. I am not. My stomach clenches with fear but I take a deep breath and say, "yes," anyway. He walks over to me and takes my hand, reminding me that I'm not doing this alone. His hand is cold and rough and his fingers fit perfectly between mine. It makes me feel stronger for just a moment.

"Good," he says firmly. "Let's go."

A/N: Please let me know what you thought of this chapter!