Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, nor am I profiting in the making of this story.

｢ Chapter Three : Learning

"Was" or "am"?
What is the word for things you were and no longer are
but always will be?

- Sarah Everett, Everyone We've Been ｣

I hate the night.

I hate the darkness. I hate the silence. I hate the moon, and the stars, and the dreams that come with them.

It wasn't always like that, though. Once upon a time, I used to love them. I used to love to slip into dreams full of adventure, to stare out the window and admire the moon hanging high above, to become breathless while gazing up at the vastness of the stars. The darkness used to be warm and safe, a welcomed respite from the intensity of the day.

But no longer.

Now, I am haunted in the night. Haunted by dreams, by memories, by thoughts of a bloody future and by ghosts from a severed past.

But if there's one thing I hate more than all that, it's being alone.

There's nothing worse than being left alone in the darkness of night, with nothing but your thoughts to keep you company. It can be tormenting; especially if those thoughts are things you desperately wish to forget – or at the very least, put out of your mind until you have the strength to deal with them.

I've come to rely on the light of day. Light meant that people were up and about, and that meant I would be able to concentrate on things outside my mind. Demons in the form of wispy shadows couldn't touch me while the sun was out, and it gave me a slight measure of relief to be able to relax my guard – if only slightly.

I knew my nightly suffering was caused by nothing but my own weakness. I had no one but myself to blame for it. It was my mind's way of coping with the reincarnation – forcing me to acknowledge it in my dreams when I wouldn't while awake. Between needing time to come to terms with my new circumstances and the threat of an unwanted future looming over me, my way of dealing with everything had turned into simply not dealing with anything at all.

It was much easier to push everything into a cell at the back of my mind, turn the lock, and forget about it until I decided otherwise. It was unhealthy, and I was aware I was just running away from my problems, but I felt so overwhelmed. I was an unsteady tower of cards, ready to fall apart at even the slightest touch.

It didn't help that I couldn't talk to anyone – not that I would want to talk about my death even if I could; but even if I did, who would believe me? My parents? They already thought I was abnormal, even if they didn't treat me any differently than a parent would their child under normal circumstances. The Hokage? The village would deem me mentally unstable and throw me into a cell, and whatever semblance of stability I had managed to build would be completely eradicated.

No, I was alone in this world; and that truth only served to make me feel more alienated.

•.*.•*•.*.•*•.*.•*•.*.•*•.*.•

It was the morning of the Sunday after my birthday, and my head felt like it was ready to explode.

The past few days had been trying for me. On one hand, the conversation I had overheard left my mind in a jumbled mess. Even though I'd lost a great deal of sleep in my attempts at making sense of this – sudden to me – development, I was no closer to a solution than I'd been at the start. In fact, I'd become so frustrated at my situation that my parents were beginning to notice – which brought me to the next factor causing me grief.

If I had lingered at the door for just a bit longer, I would have heard tou-chan tell kaa-chan to increase my workload throughout the day so that I would have less idle time. I would have been able to steel myself for the sudden onslaught of lessons the next morning (or at least steel myself as much as I could in that aggrieved state); but I didn't, and was completely caught off-guard when kaa-chan all but glued me to my zabuton.

For five hours straight, kaa-chan went over things like simple math (it was a bit too simple for me), some world history, Konoha's infrastructure and founding, writing skills, and had even started my kanji lessons (which I was less than thrilled about). For the first time, I was truly envious of a two-year-old's short attention span; if I had convinced them that I was 'normal', then there was no way she would have considered trying to get me to stay in one spot for so long – and actually pay attention!

But for all my griping, however, I was thankful for the distraction. Being able to concentrate on something made it near difficult to torment myself with agonizing thoughts; and so, I wholeheartedly threw myself into each and every subject – which seemed to make kaa-chan both pleased and despondent.

The next few days continued in a similar manner. I would wake up exhausted, do morning stretches with kaa-chan, eat breakfast, and then jump right into lessons for a few hours before breaking for lunch. Afterwards we'd work on writing and kanji, and then she'd leave me to myself – insisting that I needed time to unwind before tou-chan came home. We'd eat dinner at 6:00 p.m., and then tou-chan and I would settle down around the kotatsu for a game of Shogi before bed. After they tucked me in and kissed me good night, I would lay awake for hours staring up at the ceiling lost in thought; before eventually falling asleep to tainted dreams, which more times than not frightened me awake numerous times throughout the night.

The strain was beginning to wear me down, and dark circles had formed under my eyes that shouldn't have been found on the face of a two-year-old. When my parents asked what was wrong, I simply told them 'nightmares'; and when they asked what they were about, all I could do was lie and say 'I don't remember'. They didn't seem to be reassured by my responses, but hadn't said anything else on the matter – choosing instead to go out of their way to make me as comfortable as I could be before bed.

It was the teddy bear kaa-chan got me that, ironically, helped me the most. Having something to wrap my arms around and cry against made me feel as if there was at least something that understood how I felt, even if it was an inanimate object. I didn't dare try to talk to it aloud (lest someone hear and consider me mad), but did start mental conversations with it when I felt the need to talk to someone. It was strangely therapeutic in a way.

When Sunday rolled around, I was surprised to find tou-chan seated at the dining table when I stumbled in. He was wearing his casual clothes and sipping on a cup of coffee, a copy of the newspaper held open in front of his face. He didn't notice me at first, seemingly absorbed in whatever he was reading, and so I slurred out a tired greeting as I made my way over and climbed up into the chair beside him.

"Good morning, Urara. Sleep well?" I gave him a noncommittal whine and rubbed at my eyes, willing the fatigue away. I might have caught him glancing at me from the corner of my eye, but I wasn't sure, because when I turned to give him my attention he was still reading his paper with suspicious intensity.

"Where's kaa-chan? She didn't wake me up to do stretches this morning." This time he did glance down at me, his lips pulling up into a smile as he closed the paper and set it on the table.

"Kaa-san had to go out today, so it'll just be us until dinner time. Want to go do some stretches before breakfast? Or do you want to eat first?"

She went out? That was strange. Kaa-chan didn't typically go out by herself during the day, and if she did I was usually brought along – since she couldn't leave me behind in good conscience, no matter how mature I acted.

Well, she is an adult. If tou-chan's here to take care of me, she must want some time to herself. I completely understand that.

"You don't have to work today?"

He gave me a mock-hurt expression.

"What's this? My own daughter doesn't want to spend time with me!" Dramatically, he snatched me from my chair and crushed me to his chest; the light pout on his face betrayed by the playful mischief in his eyes. "I can't allow this. You're not old enough to be in your rebellious phase! Come on, we're going to go stretch."

I squirmed in his hold as he stood up and walked to a fairly open space behind the couch, giggling despite myself. Since it was still the middle of winter – the first week of January as a matter of fact – it wasn't practical to brave the snow in order to do simple exercises outside. Well, it wasn't practical to me anyway. I'm mostly certain that my parents didn't care one way or another – they were, after all, trained shinobi. It was doubtful a little bit of snow would get in the way of their training.

He set me down gently, flashing me a boyish grin, and began to go through the simple motions I was accustomed to. I mimicked him without complaint.

We spent a good five minutes doing this before he decided to get cheeky and throw in a couple poses that were a bit difficult for me. Although the daily stretches had gone a long way to help me become comfortable in my new body, I was still supremely unbalanced thanks to my disproportioned growth rate. My head was still far too big for my shoulders, and my body – made round by baby fat – felt sluggish and uncoordinated.

And so, much to my embarrassment, tou-chan was highly amused with my failed attempts at the new poses he introduced – outright laughing when I went to turn and simply fell on my rear-end instead.

"You're terrible …" I mumbled under my breath; but by the taunting smirk sent my way, I knew he had no trouble hearing it.

After we finished warming up our bodies, we returned to the table and had a quick breakfast: rice porridge for me, and steamed rice, miso soup, and fried fish for tou-chan. Since I'd never eaten anything tou-chan prepared before, I was a bit skeptical about how it would taste at first, but was pleasantly surprised when it turned out to be relatively tasty. It wasn't anywhere near kaa-chan's level, but it was tasty nonetheless.

Once we finished eating and tou-chan properly cleaned up the kitchen, he led me over to the kotatsu and had me sit facing away from the table before settling himself directly in front of me. His once playful demeanor had been replaced by a much more serious air – his expression now carefully schooled to appear coolly neutral.

It was understandably a bit disconcerting.

"Urara, do you know what Chakra is?"

Oh, that's right. My shoulder's drooped slightly when I understood his intentions. He said that he wanted to start on Chakra exercises this weekend. That's why he's home today.

"No …" It was obviously a lie, but I couldn't exactly tell him the truth. Yes, of course I know what Chakra is. It's the energy in your body that shinobi harness to do their shinobi things. Not that I want to know how to use it, but I have a feeling you're not going to give me a choice.

The words sounded sardonic in my mind, and I had to force back the sigh that fought its way up my throat. If tou-chan noticed the contemptuous gleam in my eyes he didn't mention it, and continued on with his lecture.

"Chakra, in essence, is life energy. It can be found in all things; from the smallest rock to the tallest tree, and of course, in us as well. Initially, it was something that just existed – that couldn't be interacted with; but over time, humans learned to harness the Chakra that dwelled within them by mixing their body's physical energy and spiritual energy together. The end result gave them great power. They found that they could control the elements, walk on water, heal fatal injuries – things that they could only dream about before suddenly became possible. It was then that the Age of the Shinobi began."

Age of the Shinobi … Despite my earlier reluctance, I couldn't help but be drawn in by his words. I felt slightly bitter at this, but like the good daughter-student that I was, I went ahead and asked the expected follow-up question.

"What are physical and spiritual energies?" Tou-chan beamed, pleased at my initiative.

"The Chakra in our bodies is made up of two components: physical energy and spiritual energy. Physical Energy, just as the name suggests, comes from our corporeal body – taking energy from our blood, our muscles, and can be increased through training and exercise. In contrast, Spiritual Energy comes from our psyche – or in simpler terms, our mind's consciousness. This grows stronger through meditation and experience. Molding these two energies together creates Chakra."

I furrowed my brows in confusion. "So in order to create Chakra, you have to merge physical and spiritual energy in your body. But, tou-chan, how do you do that?"

"Practice." Came his simple answer, delivered with a secretive smile. He shifted closer to me so that our legs were barely touching and held out his left hand palm up. I hesitated a moment before cautiously placing my right hand on top of his.

Suddenly, my hand began to tingle.

The sensation was so unexpected that I was jerking away before I had a chance to even comprehend what was happening. Tou-chan apparently expected it though, and simply remained still as my mind tried to process what had happened.

"My hand- Your hand- it-" My gaze, half curious and half accusing, bounced from his outstretched hand to his face multiple times in succession before eventually settling on his hand.

What was that? I clenched and unclenched my hand slowly, the tingling sensation finally subsiding. I don't like that feeling. It feels wrong.

"Tou-chan, what is it?" If I was actually expecting an answer from him, I would have been solely disappointed – as the only thing I was given in response was an expectant look and simple nod to his waiting hand. Reluctantly, I once again placed my hand on top of his – much more cautious and only slightly more prepared than before.

As expected, my hand began to tingle once again; but instead of it simply being across the area where my skin touched his, the sensation had begun to build up and slowly crawl down my arm. I had to suppress a shudder and the urge to jerk my hand away again – and mentally gave myself a pat on the back for being able to endure it despite how uncomfortable I was beginning to feel.

"What you're feeling now is my Chakra." The sound of tou-chan's voice momentarily tore my focus away from my arm, which I was somewhat thankful for if only for the brief distraction it allowed.

"It feels wrong. I don't like it." To make my point I quickly tore my hand away and cradled it close to my chest, gingerly rubbing the sensitive skin as if the action would coax the pin-prickling feeling to disperse faster. Tou-chan merely huffed in amusement.

"I would think so. It's not pleasant to have another person's Chakra in your body. But now that you have an initial sense of what it is, it should make it easier for you to begin to mold your own." I must have made an expression of some kind, because tou-chan gave a toothy grin and roughly messed my hair.

"Tou-chan!"

"Don't worry. Your own Chakra will feel much more natural." Pouting, I attempted to repair the damage to my hair while tou-chan proceeded with the lecture.

"Today, I want you to try and mold Chakra." He placed a hand against his abdomen. "Concentrate on molding it here. Once you're able to do it, we'll proceed to the next step. Do you have any questions?"

Do I really have to do this? My mind silently offered, but instead I decided to ask: "How do you mold it?"

I understand the technicalities of it, but how do I actually do it? In the show, they had made it seem as simple as breathing. Although I had only watched up until Sai joined Team Seven, they hadn't really explained how they were able to actually mold their Chakra. Or did they? I don't remember; it's been so long since I last watched it.

"As long as you're aware of what Chakra is, it will come to you naturally in time." Tou-chan spared me an encouraging smile, but all I could do in response was stare at him in an unimpressed manner. Your wellspring of knowledge leaves me speechless, tou-chan.

"If you say so …" With a sigh, I closed my eyes and attempted to center myself. Strangely, the memory of the day that I was born (or reborn rather) flitted through my mind. The memory was mostly fuzzy now; it was hard to remember any details amidst the torrent of horrified, confused emotions. The one thing I could remember clearly, however, was the moment the doctor used his medical-jutsu on me.

I remembered his outstretched hand hovering above my midsection, a lime luminescent energy coating it like a bulky glove. The emitted energy felt like a physical thing pressing down on me, solid and formless all at once. It seeped through my skin like air through a window screen, flowing into my bloodstream and riding the red currents until every part of my anatomy was touched by it. And then, once there was nothing left for it to examine, the intrusive energy went even deeper.

Like a light-bulb turning on, something had opened up and bloomed to life. A tree made of light had grown inside me, its branches twisting and turning and stretching until it rooted itself so intricately inside me it would be impossible to remove. My body provided it the protection and life it needed to flourish, and in turn the tree gave my body the energy and will to survive – the continuous exchange creating a complex ecosystem for the two of us alone.

And when the foreign energy forced itself into the life-flow of my tree, like poison seeping into an open wound, I could feel the tree reject it. The doctor's energy had been resilient however, and despite the unfriendly reaction to its presence had forced its way down every branch until nothing was left untouched. When it finally retracted, I had felt violated in a way I couldn't completely understand.

That had been the first and last time I had ever been so aware of my chakra network.

Sure, I had attempted to touch it again through meditation; and while the attempts hadn't been complete failures, I could only form a hazy impression of it at the best of times. Like a silhouette shrouded by darkness, I knew the tree was there but I couldn't put it properly into focus. The light had dimmed since the time the doctor had touched it, hiding deeper inside me than before. The chakra network that had once felt so alien and out of place had dissolved into nothing more than a hazy presence; and if I hadn't been so ultra-aware of it before, I would have been tempted to believe I had made the entire thing up.

"I don't get it." With a huff, I opened my eyes and sent tou-chan an imploring stare. While I had been busy reminiscing, the young shinobi had taken to leaning back on his hands in a casual manner. I would have been inclined to believe he was truly relaxed if not for the hard-set of his jaw and the calculating gleam in his eyes.

Tou-chan's gaze was piercing, and if I didn't know any better I would have believed he could see the inner workings of my mind – I would have believed he had just witnessed my memory. Perhaps I had done something to set him off while I'd been lost in my thoughts, because the way he studied me somehow managed to put me on edge. His eyes were not the eyes of a parent watching his child, nor of a teacher assessing his student.

They were the eyes of a shinobi evaluating a potential threat.

"Tou-chan …?" My heart rate picked up, and for the first time I felt myself shrinking away from him. The change in my demeanor seemed to shake him out of whatever state of mind he'd been in. I saw the nearly unperceivable grimace twist his face before it was quickly smoothed over with a carefully controlled mask. How someone could change expressions so quickly both mystified and terrified me; and then, as if breaking out of some sort of self-imposed delusion, I realized with startling clarity that the man before me was dangerous. He was, after all, a shinobi. And he'd been a shinobi long before he'd been a father.

"Right. Let's see …" As if nothing unusual had happened, tou-chan jumped back into the conversation right where we'd left off. Unfortunately for me, I was so unsettled that I couldn't even begin to focus my mind.

The way he looked at me just now … I suppressed a shutter as the image of my father distorted into the form of a predatory wolf in my mind. Parents aren't supposed to look at their children that way. It's not like I did anything bad. I just did what he told me to do, right? I chanced a glance at his face, hating the budding feeling of distrust I now felt for the man who had cared for me for the first two years of my life.

Although I wasn't able to mold chakra like he wanted, that surely wouldn't have warranted such a response. I doubt anyone can do it on their first try.

"Urara, concentrate." The sharp edge to his sudden command caused me to flinch.

"Sorry …" My gaze quickly dropped to the empty space between our legs on the floor, making me miss the flash of guilt that slipped through a crack in his emotional mask. He cleared his throat before moving on.

"You're thinking about it too much. Over-complicating it. You're trying to physically force yourself to mold chakra, when it should just be a subconscious action." There he paused, considered something, and then continued.

"How do you breathe?"

I looked up, confused. "What?"

"You heard me; now, answer the question." We lapsed into silence as I tried to wrap my head around this abrupt shift. Although I still felt perturbed by what happened, having something to focus on instead allowed me to push my misgivings to the back of my mind for later consideration.

Biology. I never did take that class in collage. Now I'm sort of regretting it …

"Well –"

"Don't over think it. Just answer." Tou-chan was quick to cut me off, effectively derailing my train of thought.

"Uhm … I don't know. You just do?"

Tou-chan beamed. "Exactly!" Seeing the puzzled look I no doubt was sending his way, I was only somewhat relieved he decided to elaborate.

"When we breath, although we physically have some form of control over it, it's something our body does naturally without conscious thought. Do you understand?" Tou-chan waited for me to nod before continuing. "Molding chakra follows the same basic principle. Although we have some measure of control over it, it's something that the body does more or less by itself."

"So, molding chakra is just like breathing then?" Tou-chan chuckled at my incredulous tone.

"Once you get the hang of it, then yes; it'll become second nature to you, just like breathing."

Maybe I'm more stupid than I thought. This makes absolutely no sense to me. I sighed. I was completely stumped. The last time my brain died on me like this was when dad tried to teach me politics.

"Okay then, time for change of tactics." Moving himself back into a proper sitting position, he braced his hands on his knees and leaned forward slightly.

"Imagine you have a ball inside your stomach." I gave him a look at roughly translated to 'what the fuck are you even talking about.' Of course, tou-chan didn't deem it necessary to acknowledge and kept going.

"At the top of the ball, there is a hole. The hole isn't big, but it is wide enough you can pour water into it without it spilling over. Now, imagine you have two cups of water. You take these cups and carefully pour it into the ball until the inside is completely filled. Although the water came from two separate places – let's say, the river and the kitchen sink – they merge together inside the ball seamlessly."

There was a pause, and I considered what had been said before opening my mouth to speak.

"Tou-chan, I have to be honest. I'm not following in the slightest."

He sighed, clearly exasperated.

"Think, Urara. In relation to molding chakra, what do the ball and the two glasses of water represent?"

Ugh! I've always hated things like this. It's like those stupid equations we had in math class. 'If x = -2 5/8 then solve for the value of y' … I guess I should count myself lucky that math was always my best subject.

A groan fell from my lips before I could stop it, but I did as I was asked and thought about the relationship between two things that were completely unrelated to each other.

"I guess … the two glasses of water are supposed to be physical and spiritual energy." It came out more as a question than a statement, and he nodded to confirm I was on the right path. "And then, pouring them into the empty ball represents the process of molding chakra. But, I don't really know what the ball itself is supposed to be …"

"The ball represents control and purpose." Tou-chan started, "You're controlling the space in which physical and spiritual energies are coming together, and the purpose of them coming together is to mold chakra. Basically, it's your intent. Although chakra itself is shapeless, when trying to mold it for the first time it helps to give it a boundary of sorts – a specific shape it form into – until you're familiar with the process and can do it without even thinking about it."

I guess that makes some sense. I understand the water portion of it at least.

"Urara," a soft smile had formed on tou-chan's face, "molding chakra, and manipulating it by extension, only needs about 50% technical understanding. The other 50% needed is simply imagination."

He must have read the confusion in my eyes (what was I, an open book or something?) because before I could get a word in edge-wise he had already opened his mouth again.

"Why do you think you're having such a hard time understanding this?" My only answer was a weak shrug. "It's because you're trying to rationalize everything; you're trying to make something that can't be explained conform to rules you've created. Honestly, I don't understand how or why you're doing this."

He shook his head, and I couldn't tell whether he was just exasperated or completely baffled.

"You need to keep an open mind. If you do that, then I have no doubt that you'll succeed." Reaching out, he ruffled my hair in that annoying way of his. "Honestly, most two-year-old's have no problem imagining impossible things; and yet here's my daughter, trying to understand one of the most complex things in the world in such a scientific way. Tell me, are you really a kid? Or are you some little adult in disguise?"

Although I knew he meant it as a joke, I couldn't stop myself from stiffening at the implication. If only you knew …

"Don't be silly, tou-chan," I grimaced at the shakiness of my voice, "of course I'm a kid. You were there when I was born; and that was only two years and a week ago."

He looked momentarily surprised. "What –?"

"Anyway, I just have to imagine pouring two glasses of water into a ball in my stomach, right?" Tou-chan looked like he wanted to say something, but shook himself instead.

"Yes. That's right."

"Okay. I can do that." Standing up, I brushed imaginary dust off myself. "Can I go try it in my room? It's easier for me to concentrate there."

"Ah, sure …" With a tight nod, I made my way across the room to the hallway. Before I could step out, however, tou-chan's voice called out to me.

"Urara! You may not be able to do it at first, so don't get frustrated. Take your time, and it'll come naturally. And remember, just ask if you need anything. I'll be here or in the study."

"Okay. Thanks, tou-chan."

And with that, I slipped into the hall and all but ran back to my room – locking the door behind me.

A/N: Okayyyyy so this took forever to get out. Sorry? To be honest, I had half of this chapter written since the last chapter came out, but I didn't like where it was going and kind of just ... left it for a while. A long while. Oops? Also, I had trouble explaining Chakra ... no matter how much research I did, I couldn't really find the answers I was looking for. So that kind of put me off for a bit. But then, I was like, why do I even care? It's a fanfiction! Make something up! So that's what I did, but I hope I kept it pretty believable. If not, oops (again)!

This chapter was pretty short too ... not even 5k words? I wanted to write more, add another scene or two, but I felt like it left off at a pretty good point. We won't know if Urara managed to get the hang of chakra molding until the next chapter! Also, sorry if Urara seemed really ... slow to understand, I guess? I just figured, if someone from the 21st century really was reborn into the Naruto-verse, and was attempting to learn how to mold chakra, I highly doubt they would be able to understand the concept right off the bat - no matter how well informed about Naruto they were. Molding chakra just doesn't exist in RL, it's just a fictional thing, so trying to make something fictional into a real thing has got to be confusing - so it's no wonder she's so close-minded to the whole thing. She's still stuck in the mindset of a 21st century woman.

Hopefully I got my point across in that spiel and it wasn't too confusing ...

Also, we have our first mystery! What happened to make Urara's tou-chan react like he did? A shinobi evaluating a potential threat. That, unfortunately, won't be discovered for a long while. And, just to clear up some confusion, the reason I'm pushing saying tou-chan instead of dad is because of distinction. When Urara says/thinks the word dad, it means she's referring to her father from her previous life; where as tou-chan is for her father of her current life. Makes sense? Hopefully!

Anyway, thanks to every who has Favorited/followed/reviewed this story! Sorry it's taken so long to update. My inspiration has returned so hopefully the next chapter is released in a timely manner. Love you all!