tw: graphic discussion of childhood sexual abuse

SASUKE'S POV:

When I wake up, I'm alone and lying smack in the center of the bed surrounded in Naruto's sheets. I don't mind, though. It's better than waking up alone in my own house. Somehow, I feel safer here. I'm still not used to sharing a bed with another person, but I like it. The only other person I've done this with is Karin and the context was completely different. Sleeping with Naruto—really sleeping with him—is comfortable. He's just as affectionate in his sleep as he is when he's awake, which is nice. I didn't think I'd actually enjoy being held, but I do.

I lie around for a little while since it's still relatively early. I pull the blankets up to my chin and stare up at the ceiling for a moment before closing my eyes again. I take in a deep sigh, feeling groggy.

I had my job interview with the liquor store. It went okay. I didn't really mention it in detail to Naruto yet because I'm not sure if I got the job. They said they would call me within a week, so I'm expecting to hear back any day now. It's not really what I wanted, but it will do for now. It'll do until I figure out something better.

When I finally feel awake enough to get out of bed, I pull one of the throw blankets off and take it along with me. Now that it's getting late in the year, Naruto's apartment is chilly in the morning. He's probably trying to save money, but it wouldn't kill him to turn the heat on every once in a while.

I get to the living room and I'm surprised to see that Naruto isn't around. Maybe he stepped out for a minute? I move into the kitchen to get myself some breakfast and notice a hastily scrawled note sitting by the coffee pot.

"Went to campus to group study for midterms! Be back later. Help yourself to anything in the fridge and take it easy!" it reads, followed by a few hearts and a poorly drawn kissy face.

I snort at the picture before setting it back down. I make a bagel and then have some tea after I eat. Cup in hand, I head into the living room and watch TV. Around noon, Kiba finally leaves his room. He's squinting.

"Hung over?" I ask him.

He grunts in response, which doesn't really tell me much. He then puts a palm over his forehead and hazily wanders into the kitchen. Yeah… probably hung over.

I set my cup down on the coffee table and then get up with the blankets still wrapped around me. After following Kiba into the kitchen, I see him strugglinh to open a child-locked bottle of pills.

"Here," I say, taking it from him and twisting the cap.

"Fuck," he mumbles, rubbing his temples.

"Headache?" I ask expectantly, handing him a single painkiller.

"Yes," he bites out, taking it and fetching a glass of water.

"Want some food?" I offer, moving towards the fridge and opening the door, "You guys seem like you have a lot of options right now. I had a bagel and cream cheese. I'll make you one if you want."

Kiba stares at me as he finishes off his drink and sets his glass in the sink. Then he shuffles through the kitchen to look in the fridge himself. For a moment he seems to contemplate my offer, but after glancing through the shelves of food he changes his mind. "Thanks, I'm good…" he tells me, before walking away.

Well, I tried. I'm working really hard to be sensitive and supportive, but I still don't feel like it's getting me anywhere. It's really fucking disheartening.

He ends up going into the bathroom and taking a shower. Oh, well. I sit back down in the living room. I end up watching a few documentaries before Kiba actually leaves the bathroom. He immediately heads into his bedroom after that. I decide to get up and check on him.

"Are you okay?" I ask as I push his door open. Fuck, he must hate not having a lock. It's probably driving him nuts.

"Uh-huh," he says, sounding annoyed. He doesn't bother glancing up at me. He's sitting on the center of his bed with his phone in hand, typing a message. I wonder if it's his uncle, but I don't ask.

"Are you sure?" I ask, taking a few more steps inside.

"Yes, I'm fuckin' sure," he spits, finally sparing me a glance.

I roll my eyes at that. "Yeah, you totally sound fine…"

His jaw tightens. "Well, what do you seriously expect me to say? I'm as fine as I can be right now, so that's good enough."

"No, it's not," I argue. "You clearly feel like shit and you shouldn't settle for feeling that way."

He doesn't respond to that, giving me an annoyed glare instead.

"Who was that girl you had over last night?" I question, inviting myself in further and taking a seat at the foot of his bed. Kiba looks vaguely perturbed, but doesn't try to tell me to leave.

"Dunno," he shrugs, "I met her at the party."

"You don't even know her name?" I scoff, "That's pretty crummy you know."

"Well, I'm sure she told me," he says, rolling his eyes, "I was just drunk, so I don't remember. We didn't exchange numbers or anything so it doesn't really matter."

"Did you want to hook up with her?" I press.

Kiba scrunches up his nose. "I mean, duh," he scoffs, "I brought her back here didn't I?"

"Did you REALLY want to hook up with her?" I repeat, giving him a sideways look.

He shrugs, trying to seem careless even though he's anything but. "I didn't care."

"Yeah, I think you did," I insist.

I think he cares a whole fucking lot.

"You shouldn't keep doing things you don't want to do," I try again.

Kiba shrugs once more. "I can't really help it. I get in these moods…" he trails off. "It's hard to explain. No one gets it. It gets tiring to have people telling me to just stop when I seriously can't."

"Well, try," I challenge, sitting down at the edge of his bed. "I'll listen. I mean, I might get it."

"Well… have YOU ever slept with someone even though you knew you'd regret it?" he asks me.

"Yeah, I have," I admit.

He nods slowly. "Why'd you do it?"

"I was compensating," I explain, although laying it out like that always makes me feel like shit, "I hated that I was gay and it made me hate myself. At the time I thought that hooking up with a bunch of girls would counter those feelings and make me feel better, but it ended up making me feel worse. It was more like I was punishing myself for having the feelings in the first place. I wanted to be miserable."

"Well," Kiba clinks his tongue against the back of his teeth, "there you have it."

"So you're trying to make yourself feel bad," I conclude.

He looks bothered by that deduction even though it's literally exactly what he just said. I guess we're similar in that way. It's an uncomfortable feeling—knowing just how much you hate yourself.

"It's not that I WANT to feel shitty," he explains, "I just don't know how to function when I feel anything else."

"I understand that," I tell him, "and I know it sounds hard and maybe this isn't helpful, but I've been forcing myself to plow through it and maybe you can too. If we don't, we'll never find out what it's like to be happy."

"Are YOU happy?" he asks me.

"I'm okay," I say. "Getting there, maybe. Some days are better than other days. I still get triggered by a lot of shit."

"Fair," Kiba mumbles. "All of my days are bad days lately…"

"Try to stay in next weekend," I try to suggest. "We'll all do something – me, you, Naruto."

"I'll try," he says with a snort. "Can't make any promises."

"Want us to stop you if we see you trying to go out?"

"That'll probably piss me off," he murmurs, looking mildly humoured at the idea.

"I know," I tell him, "but Naruto and I are really just trying to help. We're not trying to police you or anything, we just don't want you to continue making yourself feel like shit."

Kiba lets out a frustrated sigh. "I know that," he says in a huff, "I just like, hate the way Naruto does it. He's been driving me insane lately. If he sees me doing something he doesn't like he can feel free to offer an alternative...but if I don't listen I just want him to leave me alone. He doesn't though—he always gets so fucking mad and that makes me get defensive."

"You understand why he has trouble just forgetting about it and letting you do what you want, don't you? I mean he worries about you a lot," I explain.

"He shouldn't," Kiba mutters. "I don't know why he always has to get so worked up over me."

"Because he CARES," I reiterate. "He cares a lot."

"I know," he relents. "I wish I didn't stress him out so much. I feel bad about it."

I feel like I'm getting nowhere with him. It sucks. I wish he wouldn't give himself such a hard time. He deserves more than he settles for. It's depressing to watch him screw himself over constantly. It probably gets tiring for him.

"Do you think you'll bring home another girl?" I ask.

"Dunno," he says. "Probably. I mean, I know I'll regret it and I don't really want to, but… yeah, I probably still will. This is better than doin' it with a guy, though."

I make a face at that. "Kiba…" I reason.

"No—" he interrupts me, "don't make it about you and Naruto. You know what I mean. You HAVE to understand why it's different for me—why it's not as simple as just liking guys or not. Please don't give me a hard time."

I want to argue, but I don't. Part of me wants to accuse him of being homophobic, but deep down I know that's not what this is. I do understand why it's different for him, and in reality it probably IS better that Kiba isn't sleeping around with guys. It would be a recipe for disaster. Naruto was understanding and really, really gentle with him in regards to what happened. Not everyone would be. I can't even imagine what it would do to Kiba psychologically if he started hooking up with a guy who was a dick as a coping method.

"Okay," I say simply. "I see where you're coming from."

"I'm so fucking frustrated that Naruto told people."

At that I shake my head. "Naruto didn't tell anyone," I try to reason. "Shion told people. She probably shouldn't have but she was angry and so she did. She told Ino and Ino told Shikamaru and he asked Naruto about it."

Kiba gives me a disgruntled look. "I wish he had just lied," he says quietly.

Maybe that would have made things easier, but maybe not. Shikamaru and Chouji might not have believed him, which would have made Naruto and Kiba both look way more suspicious. Plus it would just make things even more awkward for me since I'm the one actually dating Naruto.

"Shikamaru probably would have been able to tell," I reason. "Or he would have figured it out. You know how he is."

Kiba lets out a heavy sigh. "Yeah," he nods, "I know, I just wish Naruto didn't speed up the process."

"Naruto probably explained to them that you're not gay," I try to reassure him.

"Well, I'm not," he snaps.

"I know," I tell him.

"I just feel like I need it sometimes," he mumbles, sounding embarrassed.

"What are you going to do next time you feel like you need it?" I ask him gently.

His eyebrows knit together and he looks contemplative. "I don't know. I'll probably go to a bar and let someone pick me up. Or one of those stupid parties at school as long as the guy isn't too obvious, y'know? I don't really know any guys who like guys… just you and Naruto. The thing with Naruto was convenient and now that that's off the table I need to find someone else."

"Oh," I respond, unsure how to react to that. It already sounds like he put some thought into it, which is kind of sad. "Um," I continue, "What triggers you to feel like you need to sleep with a guy?"

He sneers at the question. "I don't know… fuck."

"Yes, you do."

His eyes travel around the room and he's looking everywhere but at me. It's like he can't bear to maintain contact while he's talking about these things and I guess I don't blame him. It's hard to talk about your secrets. It's hard to watch the reactions of the people sitting in front of you.

"It's like..." he mumbles, but then he stops himself, "ugh, this is so fucking gross..."

"You're not gross," I insist.

He glances up at me wearily, looking like he feels half dead.

"I have all these bad memories," Kiba admits after a deep breath, "of Hiro like, touching me and shit."

I try to keep a blank face and nod, urging him to continue.

He grimaces, but finishes what he was saying. "When I have enough time to just sit and think, they always end up floating up," he explains, "sometimes even when I'm busy or in the middle of class or something. It doesn't only happen when I'm like bored or alone or some shit. It's not like there's something specific that people do that triggers me either...although if someone touches me and I'm already in the wrong mood or if they bring up family related crap that sometimes contributes. It's more like I fucking trigger myself. My mind starts going on that subject and it gets deeper and deeper until I feel like I'm literally living it all over again and I just want it to go away. I feel like when I was sleeping with Naruto I was trying to replace all those old crappy memories with new ones."

That's some heavy stuff.

"I'm sorry," I say softly. "That sounds unbearable."

"It is! Fuck!" he exclaims with a bitter laugh. "And it's so pathetic!"

"No, it's not," I reason.

"This is probably weird for you to hear," he adds in a mumble, "but sleeping with Naruto helped a lot at first… but then the memories of Hiro and the memories of Naruto just kind of started to blend together. Then sleeping with Naruto wasn't satisfying of comforting anymore. It just ended up becoming yet another triggering experience. So, I guess it's good that he cut things off… because I never would've. I'm too weak for that."

"You're not weak," I tell him, but the words are in vain.

"Don't tell Naruto any of this shit," he adds. "I think he'd be upset."

I nod my head, feeling somewhat uncomfortable over the fact that I'll have to keep this from him… but I will keep it from him. I'm not going to betray Kiba's trust. I think that would be worse.

"I won't," I assure him, "everything we talk about can stay between us unless you tell me it's okay to include Naruto."

Naruto would probably be happy to know that Kiba's talking to me… but there's no doubt in my mind that these details would make him feel like garbage. Worst than that, I know he'd blame himself entirely. He'd say that he should have been paying closer attention or that he should have known better or something.

"Okay, thank you," Kiba mumbles weakly. This is probably emotionally taxing as hell for him to talk about.

"Thank you for telling me these things," I reply in an attempt to be reassuring, "they're important. It's important that you talk about them."

"I guess so," he says quietly.

"Do you want to keep talking?" I ask him. He looks exhausted. This is probably starting to take a lot out of him.

"What else is there to say?" he retorts with a shrug.

"Whatever you want," I say. "You can talk about your cousin if you want. You can talk about school. You can talk about anything."

"School," he repeats with a laugh. "It seems so unimportant sometimes… but for some reason I'm still acing all my courses."

"Is it a good distraction?"

He nods his head lazily. "Yeah, I still really want to be a vet. I've been studying like crazy lately. Better than thinking about other shit… my family and Hiro…"

"That's awesome," I comment, trying to keep up the good mood, "way to go."

I wish that the result of my crisis had been to throw myself into my studies. I did exactly the opposite.

"Thanks," he says with a chuckle, "I wonder sometimes if that's how my sister did it, you know? Like things were so fucked up in our house that she just focused on school and it's what got her where she is now."

"It's possible." I nod along, "Did your sister ever find out…what was happening?"

At that, Kiba's face changes. "Oh yeah," he confirms lacklusterly, "she found out. Everyone in our family knows."

Oof.

"How did she react?" I decide to ask.

"Poorly," he answers. "Her and Hiro were close growing up. She wasn't around a lot though because she's older than both of us and was always busy. I think it really disturbed her."

"Yeah, no wonder…" I murmur.

"It was, like, such a betrayal…" he continues.

"Have you ever talked about it with her?" I wonder.

Kiba shakes his head. "She pretty much shut me out after. We've never been close, but after that we were even more distant. It's like she didn't want to face it… just like everyone else. So, I was left alone with it. I feel stupid for expecting more from them. Even now, I want them to apologize, but they never will. I've pretty much accepted that, but it still sucks."

"Yeah, that's awful of them…" I sympathize.

"They're idiots," Kiba says with a sense of finality. "And Hiro is just plain evil. He sees the weakness in you and he exploits it."

"He seems like the worst person ever," I agree. I feel lucky as hell to have never met him. I can't believe that Naruto actually hung out with him multiple times back when he was coming around here and we all were still under the impression that he just wanted to visit family.

"He fucking is," Kiba grumbles.

I can't even imagine how I would react if I saw Hiro now. Part of me wants to think I could keep it together but I might actually flip out. I could see myself getting angry and yelling, but even more so I could see myself being absolutely terrified. It's still perplexing to me that Naruto tried to fight him and got his face smashed in. Naruto's a pretty big guy.

It's hard to see Naruto get angry because he's usually so calm and easy going. Kiba probably hated it, too.

"Do you think you'll see him again…?" I decide to ask.

Kiba snorts. "Yeah, I definitely will… I don't really know when or where or how it'll go, but it's inevitable."

"Are you worried?"

"Yeah," he murmurs, "especially after last time. Fuck, I've never been so scared in my life. Even when I was a kid… I wasn't that afraid of him, y'know? He was my best friend. I thought he was so fucking great. I mean, I knew I didn't like what he was doing to me, but I also thought it was normal. Now that I know it's not if it ever happened again I'd seriously lose my shit. I wouldn't' be able to handle it."

I nod slowly. "Do you think he'd ever try something like that again?" I ask.

Kiba looks beyond disturbed. "I really don't know," he stares down at his hands, "I want to think no. Like I said before, I don't think he's a pedophile. Maybe he would do it just to fuck me up in the head even more but...part of me feels like if he was going to he already would have."

"Right..." I stare at him critically, "but he hasn't come near you since last time...?"

"He hasn't even tried to contact me," Kiba shifts uncomfortably, "I don't know if Gaku talked to him or not. I don't think he would, but maybe he told Hiro to stay away from me? I honestly have no idea what goes on in their house."

I wonder if Kiba even wants to know. It would probably be difficult information to deal with regardless because anything about his family is difficult - especially involving his cousin.

"Maybe Hiro's a sadist," Kiba contemplates. "I know he gets off on controlling and manipulating people. I guess I was his favorite because I made it so fun... Well, I doubt I'm his favorite anymore. Hopefully he won't go and find a new favorite. If that possibility is on the table, I'd rather he just sticks with me."

It's so revolting I hardly know what to say. So, I simply respond with, "Still, hopefully he stays away from you from now on..."

Kiba snorts. "Yeah, hopefully. I guess we'll see eventually."

We sit there quietly for a moment and Kiba looks uncomfortable. "Do you want me to make you some food now?" I offer again, since it's starting to get late in the afternoon and he still hasn't eaten.

"Okay," he relents, "Just like…what you said earlier is fine. A bagel is fine."

I swing my legs over the side of the bed and stand up, offering Kiba a hand. Then we head to the kitchen where I pull a bag of bagels out of the breadbox and fish around in the refrigerator for the cream cheese.

Kiba pulls up a chair and sits at the breakfast bar. He looks totally worn out.

"Why don't you tell me what you're studying in one of your classes right now?" I ask in an attempt to keep him going.

"Genetics and physics are probably my hardest courses," he mumbles, "it's a ton of lab work."

I nod along. "I had a lab for one of my math courses in my first term. They're so much extra work."

"Yeah," he says. "It sucks ass, but at least I enjoy the material. It would probably be a hell of a lot worse if I didn't. Plus, all of it kind of stays in my head."

"That's a good sign," I tell him. "That must mean you're doing what you like."

"I think I am," he agrees.

"Good," I say. "I'm really happy for you."

"Thanks," he mumbles, looking uncomfortable.

We've come pretty far, to be honest. We don't really fight now. We get along. We're more than civil. We can actually have a meaningful conversation without him losing his shit.

"Did you end up hearing back from any of those places you applied?" Kiba asks, "Like from the gallery and stuff?"

It surprises me because I don't think he's ever really asked me something about my life. Not something that wasn't super heavy in the context of a super intense conversation anyway.

"I had an interview at this liquor store last week," I reply, "I'll still waiting to hear back though."

"Gotcha gotcha…" he bobs his head, "You know, I like working in the mail room. It's easy and doesn't take a lot of thought. If you really need a job I could ask if we need more help."

That surprises me even more. The fact that Kiba would be okay working in close quarters with me after all the shit we've been through is pretty outlandish. I guess that really goes to show how things have changed.

"Thanks," I tell him, pulling the bagel from the toaster and setting it on a plate, "I'll definitely keep that in mind if these guys don't get back to me."

I get a butter knife and spread cream cheese on the bagel before setting it in front of him. He nods his thanks and takes a bite. I sit across from him as he eats.

I know he never formally apologized to me—just that time right after he got home from the hospital and sobbed it out—but I don't really care. I can't be mad at him—especially knowing all the shit he's been through. When you get to know a person, there's so much more understanding. I can tell he's sorry for being such a dick, even if he doesn't say it.

"How do you feel now?" I ask him once he's finished eating.

"Eh, okay," he says with a shrug. "Better than I did."

"Good," I comment, "want to watch a movie with me?"

"Um," he mumbles, looking unsure, "yeah alright. I guess I have time."

"Alright," I move past him and into the living room, "I'll let you pick this time since I know you think I have lame taste, but next time I'm definitely making you watch this documentary on the rain forest that I found. You'll like it if you give it a chance—even Naruto likes it."

Kiba scoffs at that. "Yeah, we'll see," he chuckles.

He ends up settling on some sort of comedy and I guess I shouldn't be that surprised considering his mental state. For some reason I thought he'd be more into action like Naruto is, but I guess even those can get a little heavy sometimes.

It's a silly movie – the kind I wouldn't typically watch on my own, but I don't mind watching with another person.

"Do you still want to be a lawyer?" Kiba asks me suddenly.

"I don't know," I admit. "I don't think I can be. I feel like I've totally lost capability… I mean, we're known for defending criminals… rapists. I couldn't do that. I seriously couldn't... I can't imagine knowing my client is guilty of something like that and still having to defend them."

Kiba nods his head. "Yeah… I don't blame you."

"It's hard to stay objective when you know what it's like," I add, "and lawyers… they need to be objective. I can't be, though. That's why I need to reconsider my career path."

"Is your family okay with it?" Kiba pries. "Aren't they, like, ALL lawyers?"

"My parents aren't happy," I tell him with a snort. "Itachi, my brother, he's okay with it, though. He supports me no matter what… Plus, he knows about what happened to me in January."

Kiba nods his head. "That's good… It's good you were able to tell people."

"It's not easy," I empathize.

"Nothing is," he snorts. "I hate being an adult. I miss being a kid, even though most of my childhood sucked ass, I feel like my adult life is way worse because now I'm aware that it sucked."

Oof. That's rough. I can't even imagine what it would be like to associate my memories from this past year with when I was still a kid.

"If you don't mind me asking," I say quietly, "when was it that you started to realize what happened?"

Kiba sighs through his nose and looks thoughtful. "Not that long after really…" he admits, "probably when I was thirteen or fourteen. Whenever the other guys on my soccer team started all the gross locker room talk where they'd tell everyone the shit they supposedly did with their girlfriends to try and seem cool."

I feel my stomach tie itself in a knot. "Jeez…" I murmur.

"I know," he continues, he voice sounding strained, "it's like Hiro got a hold of me in this fucking sweet spot between ages where I still had no fucking clue what sex was. I was so sheltered as a kid. I still remember the first person to ever say something that tipped me off. It was that guy who was a few years older than us—Sakon. He kept bragging about how his girlfriend would put out for him and I was like…put out what? So I went home and looked it up. You can guess what I found."

"Fuck… I'm sorry you had to learn all that on your own," I say.

He shrugs. "Me, too. It was disgusting. I mean, I talked to a doctor, but it was only one session and nothing really registered after such a short period of time. My parents didn't want me talking about it, so they didn't take me back."

God, his parents sound foul. They sound worse than mine.

"It's so hard to recover without support," I say. "I'm sorry they're like that…"

Kiba lets out a long sigh. "Yeah, so am I… but whatever. It was a big shitstorm. Suddenly all that locker room talk started to set me off. Every time I'd hear guys talking about sex I felt like throwing up. The things they'd say… They were all fucking disgusting."

"Yeah, we went to school with a lot of assholes," I murmur.

"Yeah," he agrees. "Sleeping with a girl for the first time was so gross. I was so repulsed the entire time – not of the girl, but just at myself. I don't even know why I did it… It was a year after all that shit got so fucked up. I just decided to do it by choice for the first time after getting really trashed at Ino's birthday party. It was that really huge one she had when she turned fifteen. I don't really remember the girl. I think she was one of Ino's friends, part of her clique or whatever. I mean, everyone was doing it… So, I decided to do it, too. God, it was so fucking dumb. We had terrible sex and I pretty much ran away as soon as it was over… I remember thinking she was too pretty for me and what she would say if she knew what I did with my cousin. Hah, I don't think I've ever had any sex that wasn't completely horrible."

It's sad to listen to, but I can kind of understand. Sex with girls wasn't something I liked and sex with guys just made me feel like shit and sex with Naruto just triggered an onslaught of painful half-memories. Maybe I've never had a genuinely good experience, either.

"I think I can relate to that…" I drone, kind of staring at the wall because I honestly can't bear to look at Kiba if I'm going to get into it about myself, "I used to get so, so wasted because I wanted to fuck these girls and I wanted it to feel normal. I hurt a lot of people's feelings. I still feel bad about it."

I see Kiba nod out of the corner of my eye. "Yeah, I remember that all the girls were always pining after you," he recalls.

"I know, it was awful of me." I confess. "For a long time I didn't care though. I didn't care at all. I'd hook up with them and then I'd go home feeling numb and never speak to them again. It wasn't until I started sleeping with guys too that sleeping with girls started to feel really, really bad. That was when I knew I was lying to myself. This one time…" I pause.

Kiba looks at me expectantly. I don't really want to continue, but I kind of feel like I owe it to him for being so open.

"God this is embarrassing," I grumble, "you can't tell anyone."

"As if!" he exclaims. "You think I'd go around blabbing your secrets after all the shit you know about me?"

I can't help but chuckle at that. It sounds pretty genuine, so I continue.

"This one time I couldn't even get it up," I reveal, feeling my face getting hot as I say the words, "I was just SO not turned on by her. I blamed it on the alcohol but I knew. I KNEW it was because I was gay. It was the worst. I could tell she thought it was because she was ugly or something…but it wasn't her fault at all."

Kiba stifles a laugh and I give him a dirty look.

"That's happened to me too," he says sheepishly, still sporting an awkward half-smirk and getting a little red in the face, "the last time Naruto and I hooked up actually. I had like, a total meltdown."

"Really?" I ask, glancing at him.

He nods. "I couldn't get it up, but he kept asking me if I was okay, if I was turned on, if I wanted him to get me off… I was like, no, I don't, and then I just lost it and started crying."

"Ah…" I murmur. "Naruto told me something happened, but he never really told me what."

"Well, now yah know," he says with a shrug. "It was embarrassing as fuck. That's when I told him about Hiro…" He pauses and then adds, "Is this too weird to talk about? I know you guys are dating now…"

"It's weird, but I don't mind," I tell him. "It's not like you're after him or something. I get it…"

"Are you sure?"

I nod my head. "Yeah… We haven't really had sex yet, though. I mean, we kind of did. We got, like, halfway through it and I realized I wasn't ready and I freaked out. He felt like shit, which made me feel like shit."

Kiba snorts. "Poor Naruto…"

I smile wearily. "Yeah, he said something along the lines of, 'Why does this keep happening?' I didn't pry, but now I guess I understand what he was referring to."

Kiba wrinkles his nose. "Think you'll ever be ready?"

"Yeah," I say, "I just don't know when. I feel like I'm more comfortable with Naruto than I am with anyone else, but that's not enough yet. I need to get entirely comfortable. I don't really know how I'll know when I am, though."

Sometimes I worry that Naruto will change his mind. I know it's irrational, but I can't stop the thoughts from coming into my head. I don't want him to leave. It's funny. I'm usually the one to walk off, but this time is different. I'm staying. I'm in it. I don't want to know what it's like to be on the receiving end of things, but maybe I have it coming.

"I don't know…" Kiba muses, "I don't really have any advice on that. I'd say just keep trying until it feels right because that's what I do…but it hasn't worked out very well. Naruto will take it slow with you if you ask, but you just have to make sure you keep communicating because he's bad as hell at figuring shit out on his own."

"That's true," I stare at the floor, "he's good at a lot of stuff but piecing things together isn't one of them."

"Did you have to tell him what happened to you?" Kiba asks.

I nod.

"I guess I'm not surprised," he bobs his head along with me, "I mean, I had no idea. I don't know why I would have though. We barely talked. I did know something was wrong because you were always so intense about school and then all of a sudden you weren't. I get it now though. It would have been hard for me to stay in school too."

I nod. "I tried, but things were way too fucked up. I got so paranoid. I mean, I didn't remember who the guy was… No one did. So, I would've had no way of knowing even if he was looking right at me."

Kiba wrinkles his nose. "Yeah, that would fuck with my head, too… Do you think you'll actually end up going back to school?"

"I'm not sure anymore," I confess. "I mean, I'm not sure what I would study…"

"Well, you have plenty of time to figure it out."

"I've been trying," I admit.

I've been putting thought into what I want to do with my life, but I can't seem to decide on anything. I wanted to be a lawyer, but now it seems like the worst possible path I could take. I think doing that for a living would surely drive me nuts.

"S'good," Kiba says. "You'll figure things out eventually."

"I hope so…" I mumble forlornly, "maybe this ridiculous but I sometimes get worried that after this sleeping with a guy is never going to feel good…and because I don't like girls I'm just doomed to feel like crap forever."

Kiba nods slowly. "I guess we both just have to give it more time," he says, sounding defeated.

Ugh. This is such a bad feeling. I hate waiting around for shit to fix itself. I want to be better right now.

"Hey," Kiba says in what sounds like a forced cheerier tone, "here's something I've been wondering: who's the first guy you did it with? Did he go to our school?"

I snort at that. "Yeah, he'd probably gut me if I told you though."

"Aw man, now I really want to know," Kiba whines.

I frown and begin to contemplate. "Well, he goes to university with us too…"

Kiba looks super interested as he nods his head. "Yeah? Who is it? I won't tell."

I don't know if telling him would be a good idea. I'm sure he wouldn't spread it around, but I also don't know what he'd do with the information. He might just be acting nosy. He probably is.

I let out a sigh and then say, "I seriously shouldn't. He'd be mad."

"He isn't going to fuckin' find out you told me," Kiba points out.

I sigh again and then relent with, "Fine, it was Zaku Abumi. He's the guy with black, messy hair who always looks stoned but never actually is. He's a piece of shit."

Hopefully this doesn't come back and bite me in the ass.

Kiba raises an eyebrow. "Jeez, he's the last guy I would have expected… How the hell did that happen?"

"It really should NOT have happened," I say with a grumble, "I was desperate so I let him treat me like shit."

"How so?" Kiba asks.

"I let him yank me around," I explain, "I don't know if he wanted more out of me than I was ready to give or if he just fucking enjoyed playing with my feelings. Sometimes he'd booty call me and I'd give in but then the next weekend we'd be at the same party and he'd be hanging off some girl. It made me feel like I was getting rejected or he was like rubbing in my face that if he didn't want to settle for me he didn't have to."

"That's really fucking crappy," Kiba comments.

"Yeah it was terrible," I scoff.

"So, then what happened? I take it you broke things off?" he ventures.

"Not really," I admit. "He just kind of moved on and left me in the dirt. He was vile."

I fucking wish I broke things off before he ditched me. Then maybe the entire experience wouldn't be as shameful. I was so permissive. I still am. I wish I wasn't, though. I wish I could change that part about myself.

Kiba grimaces and then nods his head. "Yeah, that's shitty… You probably felt like crap after it happened."

"Well, yeah," I admit. "Before then, I was just doing it with girls. When I finally decided to do it with a guy I thought it would be different, but the whole thing was almost worse."

"What year were we in?" he questions.

"It was towards the end of when we were juniors," I tell him.

"Gotcha…" Kiba mumbles, messing around with the crumbs left by the bagel on his plate.

"I wish I had accepted the fact that I was gay sooner," I say with a sigh, "I thought that everyone was going to think I was gross or freak out or something. I mean, my parents still might, but no one else seems to give a shit. Even my brother…I told him Naruto and I were dating just the other week and he told me he was gay too—which is crazy. I never would have known. Maybe if I had told him sooner about myself I would have suffered less."

Kiba gives a long nod. "That's kind of cool, though, right? You can probably talk to him about it. He'll get what you're going through because he's going through it to with your parents."

"Yeah," I agree. "That's true… though, I think he deals with it better than I do. He tends to deal with everything better."

"Well, I don't want to assume, but he probably hasn't been raped," Kiba says bluntly. "That's a whole different level of shit to deal with. No one gets what it's like."

"I guess," I murmur.

"Gonna talk to him some more?" Kiba asks.

"I'm not sure," I admit.

Ideally, I'd like to, but at the same time I know these things are difficult for us both to discuss.

I wonder if Itachi will move out soon. If he does, I think the ability for us to spend time together independent of our parents would help our relationship a lot. After all this time, finding out that my brother was gay was a huge shock. I'm starting to realize that my parents kept us both so busy growing up, that I actually barely know him. I don't know what any of his interests are other than law and earning money. He probably doesn't know any of mine either.

"Siblings that are a lot older are difficult," Kiba says knowingly, almost like he's readying my mind, "they've always got so much shit going on."

"That's true," I agree, "I always feel like I'm falling behind in comparison."

"Me too," Kiba mutters.

"I haven't spoken to my sister in a long time," he adds. "I don't really know anything about her anymore… just that she's a veterinarian."

I nod my head slowly. "Do you wish you knew her?"

"Sort of," he admits, "but I also kind of resent her. I thought she'd be more supportive than my parents, but she wasn't. She was basically just as bad but in different ways."

"Yeah," I murmur. "Would you ever reach out to her?"

"No," he says, shaking his head. "I don't want to. She's the one who left. I think the last time I spoke to her was to ask her if she could lie for me about what I was doing for spring break. I wanted to spend it at the school… and I knew my parents wouldn't be okay with that, so I lied and told them I was doing a kind of co-op thing through one of my classes. My sister did the same program as me, so she said she would vouch if they asked her. I don't know if they ever did, but… whatever."

I nod my head again. "Yeah, well, at least she is willing to do that much…"

Kiba snorts at that. "Yeah, I guess."

Eventually, the front door opens and Naruto appears. "Hey," he greets us.

"Hey," I echo while Kiba simply nods his head.

"I'm surprised to see you two are hanging out," he comments, walking over and flopping down on the couch between us. "Talking about me?" he questions with a waggle of his eyebrows.

Kiba scoffs and I almost do to. "You're full of it," he snorts, shaking his head.

"Whatever, you love me," Naruto retorts playfully.

It's been a while since I've been him in such a good mood. Is this because Kiba and I are playing nice? Honestly, spending time with him is not nearly as onerous as I always thought it would be.

"How was studying?" I decide to ask.

"Ugh, fine—" Naruto rolls his eyes, "hard though. Hope I don't fuck up all my shit. All my classes are intro-level still. I didn't expect them to be so difficult."

I wish I could say I'd help him study, but I don't know any of the material and even if I did I probably wouldn't be up for it.

"You'll do all right," I tell him. "Just keep studying."

"That's the plan," he says. "So, have you guys eaten?"

"Bagels," Kiba supplies.

"I can make dinner in a bit," Naruto suggests. "Any special requests?"

Kiba shrugs carelessly and I simply say, "Anything."

Naruto smirks at that. "The expected response."

I smile back at him and then shrug my shoulders. "Everything you make is good. I'm not fussy."

"Aw," he coos at me, pinching my cheek. I slap his hand away and scowl.

Naruto smirks. "I'll make fried rice then," he tells us, seeming completely unfazed.

Kiba and I's conversation stops there and the three of us dink around on the couch for a while, finishing up the movie that Kiba picked that we completely ignored the first half of. At this point I'm not even sure what's going on in the plot.

Eventually, Naruto does get up to go make dinner. I offer to help but he insists that it's no problem. When it's done, he brings three bowls and sits cross-legged between us again.

We eat and the food is good, as expected. Naruto asks me if I want to stay the night again and I say yes. Kiba doesn't seem as annoyed as he usually does.

I'm glad about that. Maybe things will start getting better from here on. He's talking a lot more. I think talking about things helps. I never used to think so, but now I can't really deny that it's true. Naruto was right about that. I feel better having fewer secrets. Then I don't have to work so hard on keeping things hidden.

I'd like to be able to tell my parents these things, but I don't know if I really ever could. That's a different situation. I need to think about what's best for me. I just wish I knew how they would react. I wish I knew how my dad would react… I wish I knew what he would say to me. Would he be angry? Disgusted? Ashamed? Will this be just another embarrassment I bring upon my family?

I wish that my dad could sense that something was wrong on his own. If he asked me directly, I'm sure I'd end up telling him. That's what happened with Karin and then Itachi. I wanted to say it but I couldn't on my own. They backed me into a corner and I guess that's what I needed. In the moment I hated it but now I'm glad it happened. I can't even imagine where I'd be right now if I was still keeping all that shit cooped up.

Around ten, Kiba tells us both that he's going to head to bed and Naruto and I decide we're going to follow his lead. I'm not particularly tired since all I did was sit around today, but Naruto seems wiped out and I want him to be well rested for class tomorrow.

After brushing out teeth, we head into Naruto's bedroom. He kicks off his jeans and dumps himself into bed. I follow him and he wraps his arms around me. I relax in his hold, letting myself get comfortable.

.

.

The following day, I wake up when my phone starts ringing around 9:40AM. I jump out of bed and grab my phone, leaving the room before answering, "Hello?"

"Hello, may I speak with Sasuke Uchiha?" the voice comes.

"Oh, speaking," I respond politely.

"Hello! This is Yamato from the Liquor Commission. Your interview went great, your references checked out and if you're still interested in the position we'd like to get you started."

"I'm still interested," I say.

He's one of the managers that interviewed me. He seemed pretty easy going, but I can tell he still runs a tight ship.

"Great! When are you free for a training session?"

"Um… today? Whenever, really."

"Great!" he says again. "How about you come in for a quick 1-5 shift today. We'll get you to watch some videos, sign some papers and then review the point of sale system."

"Sounds good," I say.

"See you then!"

"See you then," I concur before hanging up.

I let out a sigh and head back into Naruto's room. By now, he's sitting up in bed. He glances at me and asks, "Hey, what was that?"

"I got a job," I tell him.

"Oh that's awesome!" he congratulates me groggily, "Where at?"

"A liquor store I applied to on a whim." I say, sitting on the bed beside him and tucking my legs back under the covers. "They had a posting outside of the library and I decided I might as well give them my resume. I had an interview last week but was waiting for them to call me back."

"That'll be fun." Naruto comments and then nudges me lightly in the ribs, "You gonna give me a boyfriend discount? Since I'm your favorite boyfriend and all."

"Haha," I roll my eyes at him, "Let me at least start working there before you go asking me to break the rules."

He snickers at that and wraps his arms around me. "I think this will be good for yah. It'll probably help you feel more independent to be making your own money."

"Yeah, I think so," I agree. "They want me in for 1:00."

"Want me to drop you off?" he offers, letting me go. "I don't have classes 'til late noon."

"Sure, if it's not any trouble."

He waves a dismissive hand at that and then climbs out of bed. "Want breakfast? I can make an omelette."

"Sure," I say. "Be out in a sec."

He nods and then leaves the room. I sit here for a few more minutes. I really hope this job pans out. I'd ideally like to be able to keep it for at least a few months. I don't want to look like a flake.

Finally I push myself out of bed and head into the kitchen where Naruto is pouring a bowl of whisked eggs into a frying pan.

"What do you want in it?" he asks me as I walk barefoot across the tile floor.

"Tomatoes." I answer, and then pulling a carton of orange juice out of the refrigerator I pour a glass for both Naruto and myself.

Naruto nods and grabs a knife and cutting board from the drawer. I place the glass of juice near him and he takes a sip.

"Thanks for always cooking," I say over his shoulder and he gives me a sly smirk.

He slips a hand around my waist and pulls me closer, giving me a sloppy kiss on the cheek. "It's never any problem. I love cooking for you," he says under his breath.

It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy when he talks like that. Even the little things like this matter so, so much. I never thought I'd have this – let alone with Naruto. I didn't think I DESERVED it… but I think I do now. I deserve something good.

We eat and chat and Kiba doesn't end up leaving his room until a little while before me and Naruto have to leave.

"Good morning, sunshine," Naruto greets him.

Kiba grunts groggily, moving towards the fridge to grab an apple.

I head back into Naruto's room and dig around through the clothes I left laying around. I settle on a sweater and a pair of khakis. I know they'll give me the required uniform either today or during my next shift. I wasn't really paying attention when I was there. Hopefully it's nothing dumb looking.

As I'm getting dressed, Naruto joins me in his bedroom and eyes me up and down, fishing through his closet one-handed and not really paying attention.

"Don't you look professional," he teases, indicating my khakis, "you're all dressed up for your first day of work."

"You're in a good mood." I finally decide to comment, raising an eyebrow at him. "Did you have really good dreams or something?"

"Maybe," he chuckles, pulling a kind of ratty looking long-sleeved shirt off of a hanger, "or maybe I'm just happy."

I snort and bob my head a little, accepting that as his final answer. Once my sweater is on I take a look in Naruto's mirror and fix my hair the way I like it. "Okay, how's this?" I ask, turning around and indicating my entire getup.

"You look great," he confirms.

He pulls on the sloppy shirt and some jeans, grabbing his school bag. I grab my phone and my wallet, pocketing them before following Naruto into the foyer.

"We're heading out," Naruto calls to Kiba, who is still in the kitchen.

"Okay," Kiba calls back.

I wonder if Naruto is worried about leaving him alone all day. I don't know if he has classes. Maybe he's skipping or maybe they're late.

We leave the apartment after putting on our shoes.

"Think he'll be okay home alone all day?" I ask Naruto.

"He'll be fine," Naruto says optimistically. "I'm going to text him a bit. His uncle also checks in a lot."

"That's good," I say as we head to Naruto's parked car. We get situated and he pulls out of the parking space. The drive isn't too long, but it will be an annoying bus ride. I'd feel bad bumming a ride off of Naruto every day, though, so I'm not going to complain about it. I'm capable of taking the bus.

Soon enough, Naruto pulls up to the front doors and says, "Have fun, hope things go smooth."

"Thanks," I say.

He leans in and pecks me on the lips. I smile at him and get out of the car.

He drives away and I wave, hoping he sees me in the rearview mirror. Then I turn to head inside. The very first thing I do is mistake the pull door for a push door, which is probably about the worst thing I could have done. I struggle with it for a second because I'm already nervous and this is making me feel even more panicky. By the time I figure it out and let myself inside, the girl standing behind the counter has noticed and looks amused.

"You good?" She asks, eyeing me up and down as the door swings closed behind me.

"Fine," I reply gruffly, trying to mask my embarrassment but also doing my best not to sound like an asshole on the first day, "I'm the new hire. The manager asked me to come in 1-5."

"Oh, right on," she says. "You can just go knock on the office door and he'll let you in," she says, jabbing a thumb behind the array of cash registers. "I'm TenTen, by the way."

"Sasuke," I reply before walking towards the door she pointed to. I knock a few times and a moment later Yamato opens it and lets me in. The office is a decent sized square. There is a long desk against one side of the wall and a large safe on the opposite side.

"How's it going?" he asks. "It's great you were available to come in so quickly."

"No problem," I respond casually.

He points to a chair and I take a seat as he leafs through some papers. "All right," he murmurs to himself before saying, "Here we go." He hands me a few sheets of paper. "Read these over and sign, then we'll get you started on the safety videos and training courses. It shouldn't take too long."

"Sounds good," I say, taking the papers and reading through them. The first page is a letter that is "welcoming me to the team." The second page is a checklist of things I need to agree to do if I want the position – most of which has been covered during the interview. I need to be able to lift fifty pounds. I need to be available for call-ins. Etc. The last page asks for my personal information. I fill it all out and then hand the papers back to the manager.

"Great," he says, filing them away before setting up a page on the computer. "All right, you can sit in here and do your courses. It's all pretty straight forward, but you'll probably find it tedious. I'll be in the warehouse if you need me."

"Thanks," I say.

This is going to be dull as hell, I can already tell.

I click through the first few title pages and come to the first course on workplace safety. Awesome. Fortunately for me it's all pretty much common sense so I don't have to read too carefully. There are a couple "test your knowledge" questions at the end but I barely even have to think before answering. After that there's one on worker protections which basically tells me all the things my employer can't discriminate against me for. It covers racism, sexism, ageism, and thankfully homophobia too. I guess I'm glad to know they can't fire me on the spot if they see Naruto come in and flirt with me.

Once I'm done with all that, I come to a section of workplace harassment. Clicking through, it actually makes me kind of uncomfortable. All the examples seem to be directed specifically at women.

I wait for the video to switch things up, but it doesn't happen. I roll my fucking eyes. How typical is that? Everyone seems to forget that this shit isn't limited to one gender.

Whatever. I just want to be done with this shit. I keep clicking and soon enough I'm at the final "test your knowledge" section. When that's said and done, I decide to go find the manager. I scan the store until I see a back room. Instead of asking the girl at the cash for directions I cut my losses and head down there, pushing it open. Lucky for me, it appears to be the entry to the warehouse. I survey the area until I see a man moving boxes of stock onto a flatbed.

"Excuse me," I say, "Is the manager around? I'm the new hire."

"Oh, sure buddy, hold on" the worker says, setting down the box he has in his hands. He turns away from me and cups his hands around his mouth, shouting into the warehouse, "Yomato! You've got a new hire over here looking for ya!"

A few moments later, the man I met earlier appears from behind a few racks full of stock. "Great! Did you make it through all the courses?" he asks me.

"Yeah I'm done," I tell him, "sorry it took me a while."

"No problem," he waves dismissively, "I expected them too. There's a lot of stuff they go over and sometimes people have to spend way longer than you."

I nod and he walks past me, heading for the entrance of the warehouse. "Follow me," he says, "I'll have TenTen train you on the register."

I do as he says and follow him back into the store and towards the front.

"All right," Yamato says to TenTen. "Start training Sasuke on the register."

Ugh, this sucks. I know I'm going to make myself look like an idiot, thus seems to be the grand tradition of all job training.

"Will do," TenTen responds.

"We don't have your log-in information ready yet, so you can train on TenTen's until we get you set up with your own," Yamato informs me.

"If my till is off at the end of the night I'm blaming you," she says in a joking manner, but I don't really find it funny.

"It won't be," I assure her flatly.

"Play nice," Yamato says lightly, clapping us both on the shoulder. "I'll try and find you a shirt. We have a box lying around somewhere in the back. We probably seem pretty unprepared, but we didn't think you'd be able to make it in so soon."

"It's fine," I insist.

"After that, I'll print you out a nametag and then call head office so we can get your login information."

"Great," I respond and after that he walks off.

I glance at TenTen and she smiles. "I hope you have a strong backbone," she says, "because customers here can be FOUL. Alcoholics come in drunk, we can't serve them, they get angry… It's a shit show. Kids come in without their IDs, we can't serve them, it's a shit show."

She continues listing off work hazards and I'm beginning to think this is probably the absolute worst possible place for me to be working at this point in my life. Great.

"Perverted old guys come in and they can get kind of pushy with the girls working here."

"Gross," I say.

"You probably won't have to worry about that," she adds. "Guys typically don't… but you are kinda pretty, so who knows!" She pauses and then laughs like it's a hilarious possibility.

That comment makes my skin crawl, so I don't respond. TenTen doesn't seem to notice though, because she pops open the register and starts explaining opening and closing procedures to me: how to count out, how to prep for the next morning, that kind of shit.

I watch her and nod along silently, but I'm only half paying attention. I'm probably going to need to ask her to show me again. The prospect of a creepy old man coming in and trying to hit on me is giving me some very unpleasant reminders of some things I really don't want to have to think about.

By the time she finishes, I'm still stuck thinking myself in circles. Maybe they have a procedure for dealing with that kind of stuff? Maybe I should ask.

"Sorry to backtrack," I mumble as she shuts the register, "but what DO you guys do if someone comes in and is being pushy?"

"Oh," TenTen nods, looking thoughtful, "sometimes Yamato will come and kick them out. If it's not too bad usually I'll tell'm to get out or I'll ban them from the store. People always call me a bitch but I don't really care."

"Okay…" I nod along. "So, we don't have to force nice?"

"Not at all," she insists. "If someone is making you uncomfortable, you can tell them to fuck off. Plus, we'll always back you up. Even if you need to deny a customer for not having ID or being drunk or just being an asshole, we'll back you up. It can be hard when people start hollering, so don't hesitate to call someone up."

Would I even be able to tell a person to fuck off in that situation? I feel like I'd just shut down or want to run away.

"Okay," I say.

"Don't worry," she adds, probably sensing that I am. "I mean, you'll get shit customers eventually, but the more it happens the more you'll learn how to deal with it."

Fucking GREAT.

We spend the rest of my shift going over various company rules and after a few customers come in and go through the line, she has me practice ringing them up myself. Luckily I'm a fast learner, so figuring it out doesn't take very long. Unfortunately for me though, I already get the feeling this is going to be monotonous as fuck.

Yamato comes back out eventually and brings me my uniform shirt. It's kind of big, which is annoying, but at least it's not an obnoxious color.

When five o'clock rolls around I step into his office and tell him I'm going to take off for the day. He says thanks for coming in and that I did a good job. Then I tell him my availability and he says he'll email me with next week's shift schedule.

I tell TenTen goodbye and that I'll see her later, and then I walk a few blocks to the bus stop that my phone's GPS says I have to take to get back to Naruto's apartment.

It doesn't take me long to locate the bus stop and from there it doesn't take long for it to show up. Soon enough, I pull the cord and hop off, walking back to Naruto's apartment. I buzz in and head up. Either Naruto came home early or Kiba never left. Something tells me it's the latter.

When I reach their apartment, my suspicions are confirmed.

"Hey…" I say.

Kiba is sitting in the living room with a granola bar and a beer can. "Hey," he echoes.

"Aren't you supposed to be back in school?" I ask him.

He shrugs. "I guess. I went back for a day to get my shit sorted with the stupid disability services. That sucked dick. I don't really want to go back."

I nod my head slowly. "I'm sure they understand…"

He grits his teeth. "I hate that my professors know shit about me… even if it's the bare minimum, I don't want them knowing ANYTHING. Because then they stare and they feel sorry for me and it's fucking uncomfortable."

"I understand," I tell him. "It's always hard for people to know these things about you… but no one is thinking anything bad."

"I don't care," Kiba murmurs. "I just hate being pitied…"

I strip my sweater off and toss it over the back of one of the dining table chairs. "I know..." I say, thinking back to how I felt when all my professors noticed me tanking and kept offering for me to redo work, "I understand how that feels. It's just...it's good that they know. You need accommodations, even if you don't want them. I needed accommodations but I didn't try to get them. I should have and I regret it now."

"I just want to like, move past it." Kiba confesses, "Every time I get an email from my professor with that day's assignment it reminds me that I freaked the fuck out like, barely two weeks ago. So much so that now they have to like, structure part of their day around me to make sure I get the shit I need from them."

"Do you think if they stopped it would be easier for you to force yourself to go?" I ask, moving into the kitchen and grabbing a beer for myself out of the fridge.

"Maybe," he shrugs.

"That's what I thought," I admit, "still couldn't get myself to go though"

"Yeah," he murmurs. "I don't know if I would, truthfully, but still… It's just embarrassing."

"Do you regret what you tried to do?" I ask him, hoping I'm not venturing into dangerous territory by asking the question

He wrinkles his nose. "I do regret it, but mostly just 'cause everyone got so fucked up over it. Naruto flipped. My uncle flipped… I feel bad for freaking everyone out."

"If it wasn't for their reactions, would you regret it still?" I probe further.

He stares at the floor before admitting, "No. I'd probably try again."

That's kind of what I thought.

"But I'm not going to," he adds quickly. "It's no longer on the plate, so you don't have to freak out and run to Naruto to tell on me."

"I wasn't going to," I tell him.

"I'm finding other ways to cope," he says.

I raise an eyebrow. "Like what?"

"Just other ways," he reiterates vaguely and I can tell I'm not about to get any straight answers out of him. It makes me wonder, though. And it makes me worry. I hope he's not doing anything stupid.

"Like sex?" I ask.

"I guess," he mumbles.

"Other stuff?"

He shrugs.

I have no idea what he means but I don't like the sound of that. I guess if he's not going to offer up the information I'm out of luck though.

"Make sure you're taking care of yourself," I say sternly.

"I am," he responds, "I'm fine. Don't worry."

That's literally impossible though. Of course I'm going to be concerned. Kiba has made it more than clear that he's unstable and I'm not interested in ignoring that because last time we let him try to work shit out on his own it went very, very poorly.

I sip on my beer and peer at the clock. It's almost half past six. I'm kind of surprised Naruto isn't home yet.

"Do you know where Naruto's at?" I decide to ask.

"Soccer practice," Kiba mumbles bitterly.

Oh, that makes sense. I totally forgot he had that.

"Want to make some dinner?" I offer, "I don't know how to make a ton of stuff but we can try to piece something together in the fridge."

So, that's what we do. We settle on pasta because there is a can of tomato sauce in the fridge and that's simple enough. Kiba heats up the sauce in a pan and I boil the noodles. We eat and then put the leftovers in the fridge in case Naruto wants to eat when he comes home.

"Wanna watch TV?" I ask Kiba.

"Sure," he says.

"I'm going to shower first," I add. "You can pick something and I'll join you in a bit."

He holds up his thumb and grabs another beer from the fridge before heading into the living room.

I grab sweatpants and a sweater from Naruto's room and then head into the bathroom, turning the taps on before peeling my clothes off. Today went okay, all things considering. The job seems easy enough. I just hope I don't get any moronic customers, but with the way TenTen was talking, it seems completely inevitable. So, that will be annoying.

I step into the shower, making sure to bring one of the clean wash clothes from the towel rack with me. I feel grimy from my day at work, so I end up I scrubbing a little hard.

Since I don't help contribute to their water bill, I try not to take too long. When I'm done I step out and wrap myself in a towel. I walk over the mirror, which didn't even have the chance to fog up, and stare at my reflection. Then I take Naruto's comb and brush my hair back.

What Kiba said earlier about having new coping methods is still bothering me. I can't figure out what he means and I feel like if anything he might be taking some kind of drug? He did have two pretty crazy weekends in a row.

I know it's an invasion of privacy, but I think maybe I should look around—at least in the bathroom. If it's in here I could always play it off like I found it by accident.

So, I slide open the medicine cabinet. Sitting on the second to top shelf there's a small pill bottle that I'm surprised to see. I pick it up and turn it around, but it becomes obvious pretty quickly that it's prescribed to Naruto.

Oh, these must be his ADHD meds. It's weird though…I thought he said he wasn't taking these anymore?

Ritalin. Yeah, Naruto's name is on the bottle clear as day. I check the date and it's recent. I guess he is taking them again…? He should put them in his room. He shouldn't keep them where Kiba has access. I don't want to sound like I have no faith in him, but if he's feeling shitty enough he might grab a few. I close the cabinet and try to make a mental note to bring it up with Naruto later on.

I dry my body and towel dry my hair before putting my sweatpants and sweatshirt on.

Back in the living room, Kiba has accumulated a collection of beer cans.

"Hey, don't drink too much," I say.

"It's fine," he insists. "I can barely feel it."

I sit back down, pulling my feet and legs onto the sofa. Kiba seems to be watching a football game.

"Do you like sports?" he asks me.

"I'm not particularly athletic," I admit. "I don't really know anything about football."

Kiba laughs at that and then proceeds to explain the basic rules of the game to me.

Nearing what I assume it the end of the quarter, Naruto finally gets home. He comes in the door looking exhausted and sweaty, but when he sees Kiba and I sitting on the couch together again, he smiles widely.

"We made some dinner," I tell him before he even gets the chance to take off his shoes, "there's leftovers if you want some."

"Oh my gosh I'm starving," he comments, ditching his bag on the floor and heading straight for the kitchen to open the fridge.

"It's pasta," I explain, looking over my shoulder in his direction.

"Wow, you two sure played house today," Naruto jokes.

"All we did was cook dinner," Kiba snorts in response.

"Still, that's nice!" Naruto returns with a plate of pasta, joining us on the sofa. He gives me a sloppy peck on the cheek before taking a bite of his dinner. "Thanks," he says. "This is great."

It's nice to see him happy, even if it's over something little like this.

"So, who's playing?" he asks.

"I have no idea," I admit.

Kiba snorts and then starts giving Naruto a summary of the game and what's happened so far. I kind of zone out. When Naruto finishes eating, he sets the plate on the coffee table and then puts an arm around me. I relax, leaning into him. I want to talk with him a little bit, but I'll save it for later. I think it's good for us all to sit like this and I don't want to rush things.

"How was work?" Naruto asks me, still staring at the TV screen.

"Kind of weird," I say, staring at the television, "they had me do all these shitty courses that went over stuff like workplace discrimination and liquor laws."

"Guess that makes sense," he comments.

"There was something that kind of annoyed me." I decide to continue, "They had all these scenarios where they talked about women getting harassed but they didn't even have one example where they used a guy."

Kiba makes a face at that. Naruto seems kind of unsurprised.

"Ah, that sucks," he says, "those kinds of things always make shitty assumptions."

"It makes me feel like if that was happening to me that my boss wouldn't take me seriously or something," I confess, "I don't know if that's true, but it left a bad taste in my mouth."

"Understandably," Kiba mutters and Naruto nods along in agreement.

"Apparently it happens a lot," I add. "Mostly to girls, but the girl who trained me joked around and said since I'm 'pretty' it could happen to me."

Kiba scoffs. "What an idiot."

"She probably didn't mean anything by it," I add, "but it made me uncomfortable to know that's a possibility."

"Do you think you'll be okay working there?" Naruto asks.

"I don't know," I admit. "We'll see, I guess. They want me back on the weekend for another short training shirt, though I've pretty much got the hang of the cash system. I just need to get to know where everything is now."

"Seriously, if anything goes wrong you can ditch and call me right away and I'll come get you," Naruto says.

"Thanks," I murmur, though I'd probably feel bad making him drop things just because I can't handle things.

"Of course, it's no problem," Naruto insists, "your safety comes first."

"If Naruto was unavailable then I'd come," Kiba informs me, "you can have my number if you want. Unless you already have it. I know I don't have yours."

Coming from Naruto the offer is typical, but it's so unlike Kiba that it actually kind of shocks me.

"That's nice of you," I reply. I must sound pretty surprised because he laughs and then pulls his phone out of his sweatshirt pocket, handing it over to me.

"I'll send you a message," he tells me, "then you'll have mine too."

"Alright," I nod. I glance back over to Naruto and be looks beyond pleased.

I put my number into Kiba's phone before handing it back. "Great," he says.

A moment later, my phone buzzes in my pocket. I pull it out and see that he sent me a text. It's just an emoji of a piece of shit. I snort and say, "Thanks for that."

He chuckles and then returns his attention to the television.

Yeah, this is good. It's good for us to spend time with him. As much as we can. It's a lot easier now that we're getting along so well. It makes things less stressful and far more pleasant. Maybe if I apologize to him, he'll apologize to me. I feel like that's a conversation for another day, though – one when Naruto isn't around.

We finish watching the game and one of the teams wins. Hooray. Kiba and Naruto seem happy about it but I still don't understand what's going on either way. Kiba retires to his room and after that Naruto announces he's going to take a shower. After he stands up and heads down the hall, I decide to follow after him.

"Hey," I peek my head in the door, not bothering to knock, "can I talk to you about something?"

He's in the process of taking his shirt off and pulls it the rest of the way over his head before he acknowledges me. "Sure," he says, balling up his clothing and throwing it on the floor, "what's up?"

"I saw that you had a new Ritalin prescription," I enter the bathroom and slide open the medicine cabinet, "I didn't know you were still taking these."

Naruto raises an eyebrow at me."Why were you fishing around in our bathroom?" he asks.

"Kiba was being kind of weird earlier," I reply vaguely, "I wanted to make sure he didn't have anything he was keeping in there."

"Oh," Naruto nods, "well, yeah, I refilled my prescription recently. I got so antsy that one night and it seemed to bug you, so I asked the campus doctor for more."

"No, no, it didn't bother me." I insist, "I'm only bringing it up because I think maybe you should keep them in your room. They seem like the type of thing Kiba might take."

I hope he gets where I'm coming from and doesn't think I'm being paranoid. Then again, after all the shit that's been going on lately, I don't think Naruto would accuse me of a thing like that. He probably understands that the situation is pretty dire. When people are low enough they do things they wouldn't normally do.

Naruto wrinkles your nose. "Yeah, maybe…" He takes them and then hands them to me, "Can you put these on my dresser?"

"Sure." I nod and take them.

"I've noticed he's been drinking lately, too," he murmurs. "Not just at parties, but here as well…"

"Yeah…" I say, "He had a few tonight. He was drinking when I got home a little before six."

"Tsk," Naruto murmurs. "Hopefully this isn't going to be a problem."

God I hope not. Some sort of addiction is the last thing I want to deal with right now.

"We'll keep an eye on it," I reassure him, "now take your shower. You totally smell."

Naruto snorts out a laugh and shoos me out of the bathroom. I slip out the door and close it behind me, heading to Naruto's bedroom. I set the pill bottle on top of his dresser and tuck it away behind a stack of books. I feel much better now that it's not just sitting out in the open.

After that's done I crawl into Naruto's bed and pull out my phone. The message with the shit emoji is still the first thing up, and I stifle a laugh when it pops up after my lock-screen.

"That's you," I tap back and hit send, even though he's literally in the other room.

I hear Kiba's phone ding from across the apartment and a moment later, the grey dots appear and disappear, followed by a message with an emoji of a rooster.

"This is you," reads the message that follows.

I'm a cock? How quaint.

I send a laughing emoji then Kiba starts to type again. He sends an emoji of narutomaki and then says, "It's Naruto."

I chuckle at that and then type, "Accurate."

We continue a ridiculous back and forth, not talking about anything important. Eventually he says he's going to bed. It's still pretty early—just past nine—but he's probably had enough to drink to make him tired. I tell him goodnight and then decide to check my emails and messages and other notifications.

Soon, the bedroom door is pushed open and Naruto enters. He's wearing a t-shirt and shorts, towel drying his hair. By the time he's done it looks like a fucking mess.

"Cute," I comment only half-jokingly as he tosses the towel aside.

"What? You don't like my shower hair?" he teases back.

"I said it was cute didn't I?" I reply, feigning innocence.

He climbs into bed next to me without bothering to brush his crazy hair and I set my phone on the night stand. This is our third night in a row sleeping together, and I'm getting pretty used to it.

"You were right," I decide to admit, "I like Kiba."

Naruto gives me a soft smile. "Good," he tells me, "he likes you too. I can tell."

"Yeah, because he stopped hollering at me every time I came over," I laugh.

"He needed to warm up to you," he explains, rolling onto his back and staring up at the ceiling.

"I'll probably talk to him about all that soon enough," I say. "I don't want to bring it up too soon and have him get mad again, but I do think it's important for us to acknowledge the past."

"Yeah, I agree," Naruto responds. "I think it'll be good for you both to talk about it."

"I think so, too," I concur.

Naruto rolls onto his side and I do the same so we're face to face. He reaches forward and pushes my bangs out of my face. "What do yah feel like doing?" he asks me. "It's still pretty early. Are you tired?"

"Not yet," I say.

"We can watch a movie?" he suggests. "Or just talk. Whatever you feel like doing."

"We can talk," I decide, "I feel like I've been watching so many movies lately. I've exhausted all the good documentaries on Netflix. It's like basically all I do."

Naruto chuckles at that. "You'll have to start watching the ones on Youtube. They have some good ones and they're short so they're not as much time commitment. Once I watched one about this creepy new drug in Russia that makes people's limbs fall off and shit."

"Krokodil?" I ask.

"Oh my god, yeah," he looks surprised, "jeez, you really have seen them all."

"I told you!" I smile.

"You have such an awesome brain," Naruto says, poking my forehead, "it's crazy that you can remember all this stuff."

I chuckle at that. "Yeah, I've got a lot of useless facts stored away."

"It must be easy for you to study, huh?"

"Yeah, when I actually feel up to it," I say. "I remember most things I read, especially if they're of interest."

I feel like I might be ready to go back to school next year, but now I am not sure if I want to be a lawyer. I don't think I do, but I know that my dad will be angry. I'm dreading telling my parents. They don't even know I got a job. They'll probably be livid when they find out.

"That's really cool," Naruto says. "You're impressive."

I snort at that. "Thanks."

We chat for a while longer about innocent things, like how his day was and if he's feeling prepared for midterms. He asks me if I really think I'll be able to handle working at the liquor store and I tell him I hope so, then we talk about making time to go out to breakfast on Saturday.

Eventually, Naruto reaches out and places a hand behind my ear, tangling his fingers in my hair. "I'm really glad we're together," he tells me, face unfaltering, "I don't know how I'd get through all the crazy shit that's been going on if you weren't around."

"You're sweet," I reply, closing my eyes and letting myself feel the warmth of his hand on my face.

This feels so nice. It's hard to believe how annoying I thought he was at the start of the year. It's hard to believe that the prospect of a romantic relationship scared me so much. It's hard to believe I'm lying here in bed with someone I never thought I'd be in this position with.

"I feel that way, too," I tell him a moment later, opening my eyes to peer at him.

He's still smiling. He leans forward and pecks me on the lips. It's quick and chaste and when he pulls back, he says, "I'm glad."

He's so nice and so good. I inch a little closer to him. This feels so comfortable. I never thought I'd feel this comfortable with another person.

As my face gets nearer to his, he pecks me again. "You're so cute," he whispers.

I squirm a little and Naruto kisses me on the forehead and then the nose. "Stop it," I say with a squeak, feeling embarrassed.

"Hush," he tells me, "Kiba will hear you."

"You hush," I retort.

Naruto smirks and twirls his fingers in my hair. "You're feeling kind of feisty, aren't ya?" he comments.

My face starts to get hot. "I'm not," I insist.

He just laughs and moves his hand from my head to my shoulder, giving it a squeeze.

I think I have a sense of where this is going. I feel like I should let it happen. I WANT it to happen. I just don't want a repeat of last time.

This time, I make the move. I lean in and kiss him, inching close until our bodies are pressed firmly together. He brings his hand down to my hip and keeps me close. I part my lips and we exchange a string of sloppy, open-mouthed kisses. I feel like we haven't really made out since I freaked out when we had sex. I can hardly consider that sex. I want to make it up to him, but I still can't tell if I'm ready.

When we break apart, Naruto tightens his grip on my waist and then rolls over, pulling me so I'm on top of him.

"Naruto –"

"We can stop whenever you want," he says, like he's reading my mind. He's so nice and understanding. "Just say the word."

I don't respond. Instead, I sit up on his lap and pull my shirt off, tossing it aside. This feels okay. So far, at least.

Naruto slides his hands into the elastic of the sweatpants I'm wearing and starts feeling up my ass. "You look so fuckin' good," he comments.

I smile down at him and let him touch me, trying to focus on how his fingers feel against my skin instead of how nervous I am. I want this to be a good experience. I don't want to think about my crappy memories because I don't want to associate them with this.

I can do this. I can totally do this. I'm ready to have sex with Naruto. I'm excited to have sex with Naruto. If I do it this first time, all the times after will come easily.

"Will you take off your pants for me?" Naruto asks, gazing up at me through half-lidded eyes and a smirk on his face. He phrases it like a question but it doesn't really sound like one.

I get off of him and stand up, staring at him where he lays. I push my hands past the rim of my pants and shorts before pushing them down. Naruto perches himself up on his elbows and stares at me. The way he watches makes me feel kind of shy. I don't really know why. I never used to feel like this. I could get naked in front of whoever I brought back to my bed and I didn't care. I'm just glad the lights are dim, because I think every inch of my skin is probably burning. I feel like it is. I feel hot and flushed, like I'm working myself up into some sort of haze.

I step out of my clothes, leaving them on the floor before joining Naruto back on the bed. "Your turn," I say.

With another little smirk, he complies. He sits up and pulls his shirt off before leaning back. He raises his hips before taking his pyjama pants off. He's already half hard. I'm still completely soft.

"You okay?" he asks me.

I nod my head, feeling somewhat feverish.

"Here, lie down."

I do as he says, lying flat on the bed. He kneels in front of me, grabbing my legs and pulling me towards him so my ass is aligned with his crotch. But he doesn't touch me there yet. Instead, he just reaches for my dick and starts jerking me off. I force myself to relax, wrapping my legs around his waist.

I close my eyes. I try to LET myself be turned on. It's difficult, though. I can feel Naruto's erection against my backside. I decide to open my eyes since keeping them closed isn't doing the trick. What if I can't get hard? At this rate, it feels like a possibility.

Naruto looks so into this. It makes me feel shitty because I'm having this internal dialogue with myself, freaking out about whether or not I'll even be able to get it up.

"Hey, are you okay?" he asks me again.

"Yeah," I respond. "Sorry."

He shakes his head. "Just keep your eyes open. It's just me here."

I try to concentrate on the sensations. I try not to think about anything else.

"Here, hold on," Naruto says a second later, letting go and leaning over the side of the bed towards the nightstand, "I have some lube."

He opens the top drawer one-handed, holding me in place with the other, and fishes around blindly for a second before pulling out a small bottle.

"Maybe this will help," he says, reaching back around my waist with the bottle in hand and popping the lid open in front of me. He rests his chin on my shoulder so he can see what he's doing, and empties a small amount of the gel into his palm. Then he clicks the lid back on and tosses the bottle aside.

Naruto wraps his hand around my dick and starts stroking again.

"Ah," I shudder, and I hear Naruto chuckle softly in my ear.

"That better?" he whispers.

"Yeah... that's better," I whisper, feeling squirmy. "Feels good," I add in a murmur.

Naruto looks pleased. He keeps his eyes firmly on me and I don't mind so much, but it does make me feel a little shy still.

"You are so cute," he compliments.

I think I feel this because I like him so much. It sounds bad, but I've never done it with someone I've liked before. It's always been with girls or assholes. Now it's completely different because I'm not doing it with someone I don't care about I'm doing it with someone I do care about. A lot. It makes me feel pressured.

I feel like I'm doing it right this time but I'm also doing it wrong. Am I trying to force myself? Why doesn't this feel right yet? It's been months... I wish I could get over it. Fuck. I feel like I'm having intrusive thoughts and the vague, choppy memories just keep replaying.

"Stop," I tell him.

"What?"

"I said stop," I repeat, and he lets go.

"Are you okay?" he asks urgently.

"I'm fine, I just—I can't do this yet," I tell him, reaching for the comforter and covering myself up, "I'm not ready."

Naruto sighs heavily but he wraps his arms around my chest and pulls me backwards to lean on the pillows with him. "That's alright, of course we'll stop," he tells me reassuringly, but it's obvious that he's disappointed.

Hell, I'm disappointed too. I'm so ready to not have to deal with this anymore.

"I'm sorry," I murmur quietly, feeling guilty.

"Don't be," he insists, "these things take time."

"This much time?" I ask.

"Yeah. It's okay, really," Naruto tells me again.

But I don't feel like it is okay. I feel like no matter how reassuring Naruto is he will eventually get tired of waiting. Then again maybe I'm just not having enough faith I him.

"Sorry..." I mumble again.

"It's fine , really," he insists. "We will take things as slow as you need. I don't mind."

But I mind. I want to be okay enough to share this with him and it is so fucking frustrating that I'm not. It's so embarrassing and it's making me feel pathetic as hell.

"Okay," I mumble, leaning into him. He plays with my hair and doesn't say anything else for now.

This sucks. Fuck.

I feel beyond insecure. Every inch of my body is uncomfortable and I wish that I could just relax into Naruto's arms but that doesn't seem like something that's going to happen.

"Hey," he whispers, continuing to run his fingers along my head and neck, "stop worrying."

I must have been holding my breath because as soon as he says it I let out a heavy sigh. I guess this is what it's come to. I'm super obvious now. It's like he can read my mind.

"We can just go to sleep," Naruto suggests, giving me a little squeeze with the arm he has wrapped around me, "if you don't want to talk we can deal with it another night."

"Alright," I comply, "another night then."

With that, we hunker down. I keep my head rested in the crook of Naruto's arm and he twists himself into a position around my body that seems uncomfortable but he doesn't complain.

"Sleep well," he says, giving me a kiss on the forehead.

"Good night," I mumble back.