Sorry if this story makes no sense at some parts; I'm kinda totally delirious and probably coming down with a cold and stuff so I have no idea what I'm writing.

This is actually not how imagine Renji's proposal and stuff to go, but it was a fun write and is supposed to be comedic, I guess, and not to be taken seriously.

Also, something's wrong with my account. Apparently I posted a Renhime fic earlier, but I've only ever written one Renhime fic and posted it, ever. What the hell is happening?

The gentle caress of a soft breeze blew throughout the Seireitei, shuffling the reeds and grasses that grew on its knolls and tousled the radiant locks of many of its longer-haired shinigami. There was not a cloud in the sky and it gleamed a sapphire blue that twinkled of an oncoming twilight. Tranquility swirled in the air, permeated the minds of its residents and leached out of their behavior, creating a near-utopian aura.

A utopian aura that seemed not to infuse in the yards surrounding the Kuchiki manor.

"You're what?" Renji screamed, his eyes widening and filling with an emotion equal parts surprised excitement and wary suspicion. Birds perched in the surrounding trees squawked in horror at his volume and small woodland creatures situated nearby scampered as far as they could from the noise, covering their ears.

Rukia gulped, not daring to meet the his eyes. She didn't know if she was supposed to feel excited, ashamed or supremely worried for her status as captain of the Thirteenth Division as she delivered the news. She decided it was a mixture of all three. "I'm pregnant."

Renji looked shocked for a moment, his jaw dropping low, before he doubled over in laughter. "S—sorry, Rukia," he guffawed, "but I totally just hallucinated and thought you just said that you were—"

"—Pregnant," Rukia finished impatiently. She raised an eyebrow and her favorite 'Renji-kicking leg' (it was the left one, if you were wondering). "Are you deaf?"

The 6th Division lieutenant's laughter silenced immediately. He felt a bead of sweat trickle down the side of his face and felt a spike of jealousy fluctuate inside of him. Renji gulped. "Who's the father?"

Rukia's 'Renji-kicking leg' made it's mark on his right thigh. She blushed furiously as she ignored the redhead's yelp of pain and dirty look. "You, you idiot! Who else would it be?" She turned away, her blush deepening as she waited for Renji's reaction.

It was slow in coming. First, his jaw became unhinged and flopped up and down like a dying fish and his eyes widened until they looked like they were to pop out of his head. His face blushed a shade of red that matched his hair perfectly and incomprehensible babblings flowed out his mouth, before he was able to sputter, "M—m—me?"

It took Renji another moment to process Rukia's quiet, "Yes." He was going to be a father. An actual, real-live father—something he'd never had the pleasure of having. A grin nearly split open his face. "Whoa, Rukia—that's awesome!"

She was quiet for a moment and didn't answer. Sensing her uneasiness, Renji scooped Rukia up by her shoulders and held her so that she was his eye-level, crinkling his eyebrows worriedly. "That is awesome, right?"

Rukia's face turned stormy. "Of course it is, you numbskull!" She paused and averted her eyes, looking anywhere but Renji. "It's just that, well, we're not even married yet, and . . ."

He rolled his eyes. "Like that even matters. We've known each other for so long, we might as well be." Suddenly, a thought pierced his thick skull and he nearly dropped Rukia, who yelped accordingly. Premarital sex wasn't part of the Kuchiki Code of Honor, was it? Renji gulped and felt sweat pour down the back of his shihakushō. "What will the Captain say?"

Rukia's eyes widened nervously. "I didn't even think of that—"

"What will the Captain say regarding what?" a voice thundered from behind them.

No, thought Renj, cursing himself. It can't be . . . not here, not now. Anyone but . . . "Um, i—it's nothing, Captain." He mentally groaned when he heard that his voice sounded significantly higher and more nervous than it had seconds before.

Byakuya raised an eyebrow. "Very well," he replied stoically, although it was easy to see that he had yet to drop the matter. His eyes wandered to Renji's hands and Rukia's feet floating inches off the ground. "Why is it that you grip my sister in such a manner?" His voice echoed monotony, but his eyes glared daggers.

Rukia gave a short shriek as Renji dropped her abruptly, and this time it was her that shot him a dirty look, but her gaze instantly propelled to her brother's accusing eyes. "Brother," she spoke adoringly, although it was laced with nervousness. "Was there something that you wanted?"

"Not particularly, no," Byakuya replied, shaking his head. "But I am very intrigued as to why Renji was guessing my emotions regarding—"

"Rukia and I are getting married!" Renji had no idea why he blurted that out; it wasn't even true, but he needed something to distract his captain from the subject of Rukia's . . . condition and his previous statement. Marriage was an excellent cover-up for their deeds and no one would have to know. Besides, he didn't exactly mind marrying Rukia; it was bound to happen sometime or another.

He heard Rukia sputter from beside him, "We are?", but he shot her a glance that he hoped relayed the message play along. She sighed exasperatedly, glaring at him with the fine, but you're dead as soon as this is over etched in her gaze and turned to her brother, nodding in affirmation. "Yes, brother, we are."

Byakuya was silent for a spell in which Rukia and Renji waited anxiously for his reaction, wringing their hands and biting their fingernails. Byakuya huffed before turning to leave as he lowly muttered, "He would not have been my first choice, but very well. I trust your judgement."

Renji breathed a deep sigh of relief.

Crisis averted.

"How is she?" Byakuya asked placidly, nine months later, as he lounged in the hallways of the Kuchiki manor along with Renji as they waited for Rukia to give birth. Both of the men tried to exude calmness in their actions, but had anyone looked really closely as to how furiously Renji was pacing and how Byakuya's fingertips danced along his lap, they would have noticed how both men were both a mixture of nervous and proud.

"Captain Kotetsu said she was fine last I checked," Renji muttered. "Rangiku says I'm making Rukia nervous so I have to stay outside with you." He glanced back at the door stormily. "But hell, what does she know?" Despite this, he made no move to enter the room. He shuddered. There was way too much estrogen in there for his liking, especially with the 10th Division lieutenant storming around like an angry mother bear.

Moments of silence passed between the two, with only the soft sound of Byakuya's brushstrokes as he perfected his calligraphy echoing in the room as he tapped his lap absentmindedly with his other hand. Oddly enough, it was him who broke the silence. "Something has been bothering me lately, Renji. Do you happen to know what it is?" A thin veil of steel had circulated through his voice, and Renji gulped.

His captain wasn't usually one for sharing his feelings, especially if something was troubling him. Something was up. "No, sir, I don't."

"I have been calculating and I have noticed something is amiss. The wedding of you and Rukia took place exactly one month from when you relayed the news to me," Byakuya began, his voice betraying no emotion. "Captain Kotetsu has announced that Rukia's pregnancy so far has been flawless and her delivery was timely—not a day too early, not a day too late—a typical nine month pregnancy. It has been exactly eight months since the two of you have been wed." He raised an eyebrow and stared at his lieutenant. "Where has the last month gone?" Byakuya glowered knowingly. "Or shall I say, the first?"

Renji felt his heart skip a beat and he rubbed his neck nervously. He felt beads of sweat trickle down his face. It was clear that Byakuya already knew the answer, so there was no point in lying. "Er—well, you see, Captain, actually, there is a very good explanation—"

He didn't get a chance to finish (or run away) before Byakuya thundered, "Scatter, Senbonzakura!"