Disclaimer: I don't own High School DxD or Naruto. Nor do I make any profit from writing this.

(AN): What is this? I don't know. You don't know. But whatever it is, it has a spanking neato title straight from an AMV and a story prompt from Shinigami 2530 and "Naruto Gremory".

Shouting about loving big breasts was amusing for the first episode and a half. When it gets to the point where it's publicly known that the only thing the main character thinks of is breasts and he'll shout about them in an inter-dimensional peace conference, I think your joke has worn out its welcome. Which is a damn shame, because like many stories DxD combines an interesting concept and good worldbuilding with poor execution.

Warmth.

Safety.

Comfort.

Naruto's mind drifted in a sluggish haze of satisfaction and sloth. Rocked gently back and forth, Konoha's Number One Most Surprising Shinobi decided he was never ever going drinking with Kiba again. There was a point where drunken shenanigans moved from 'boys will be boys' to a wild blurred shitshow, and Naruto was pretty damn sure they'd moved far past that milestone.

Contrary to what he might tell others when asked, Naruto never forgot a thing that happened when alcohol was running through his veins. So he had very clear memories of being egged into providing a guffawing pole dance at several of Konoha's less-than-classy 'institutions', having Shikamaru puke in his lap, and getting into a fist fight with Lee that had caused enough public property damage for the village to dock his pay for the next decade.

Ah fuck.

Well until Sakura came barging into his room to beat the shit out of him, Naruto was quite content to laze around like a half-formed puddle of goo. A man had to take his jollies where he could get them, and if Naruto had to guess the previous evening would be the last night before a very long dry spell. Once Tsunade and Sakura got their hands on him Naruto wouldn't be seeing a drop of sake or a tasty pair of boobs in a long time, war hero or not.

If he wasn't feeling so damned lazy, Naruto might even make an effort to shed a dramatic tear or two. As it was, he wouldn't be moving an inch until someone made him.

The shaking began with a faint tremor, building slowly and jostling Naruto back and forth. Grumbling to himself, Naruto turned over. The discomfort was too gentle to be Sakura. Hinata maybe? It seemed more her style. Well it wasn't Tsunade or Sakura for damn sure, so it wasn't quite time yet for him to face the music.

Cold hit Naruto like an arctic blast, and he frowned. That was more like Sakura. Bitch. No wonder she was the eternal twenty year old virgin. He steadfastly denied Sasuke's absence had anything to do with it. Even the bastard had probably managed to pop his cherry at one point, and the whole 'waiting for Sasuke' thing his female teammate had going on had gotten old a few years ago. There wasn't a guarantee that Sasuke would be interested at all when he came back, so the medic was giving up quite a lot of fun for something that might not even happen.

Watery blue eyes opened at the hardest jolt yet to be greeted by the blurred sight of fleshy pink walls.

Well that was odd.

He certainly didn't remember summoning any of his toads and asking them to let him sleep it off in their stomachs. Gamakichi better not have gotten any fucking funny ideas, but knowing the little shit Naruto wouldn't put it past him.

The pinks walls gave a great roll, squeezing Naruto like a vice and shoving him towards a faint circle of light. Another squeeze and another shove, and then there were gigantic hands swooping in to catch him by the head and help Naruto's passage along.

Giving a grunt of annoyance, Naruto rolled his eyes. Everyone was in on the party were they? Naruto was more than capable of getting out of a toad's stomach without Chouji's help, thank you very much.

He could almost hear Hinata's quiet voice in his ear admonishing him for his rude thoughts. Well fuck, everyone was entitled to a bad day weren't they?

A final push, and Naruto was out into the world. A world full of giant people and the most ridiculously glitzy decorating Naruto had ever seen in his twenty years. Giant people in a giant room. When did he become a midget? How did he become a midget?

There was a redhaired giant reaching out for him and Naruto brought up his hands to try to defend himself. This had to be the most fucked up dream he'd had since that one about Sasuke being a ridiculous flirt - as if that bastard had that much game.

Naruto didn't give a shit if this huge guy was a titan. No one beat Uzumaki Naruto – in the waking world or the dreaming one. Even if he had to use the pudgiest fists he'd ever had attached to his body to do it. Back off big man! Nobody was allowed to eat Konoha's Number One Prankster!

Enormous hands gently took hold of Naruto's squirming body, bringing him close to what was a ridiculously pretty face for giant. It was a ridiculously pretty face for a man too, with blue-green eyes and aristocratic lines that spoke of perfect breeding.

A kind smile split the billboard sized face as the giant forced Naruto into the crook of a muscled arm. "Well aren't you just a little spitfire? Daddy's here, my little fishcake." Rumbled into Naruto's ear, and the shinobi's mouth dropped open.

"What the literal fuck." Was what Naruto had been aiming for.

A scream of "Whaaagaa!" was what his toothless gums actually produced.

"Just give me whatever you've got." Sasuke ordered quietly, staring at the barkeep with a dull black orb. The lavender Rinnegan was hidden behind the fall of his bangs, a streak of purple colour peering out here and there to intimidate anyone that had heard anything about the Fourth Shinobi World War.

The barkeep – a middle aged bald man with a ropy red scar cutting down his cheek – stared at Sasuke for long pause before shrugging. "All we've got round here this time of the afternoon is some rice balls and leftovers. You can have 'em if you want. Was just gonna throw em out anyway."

Giving the man a slow nod, Sasuke accepted the plate with three slightly stale onigiri. Life as a vagabond didn't pay, and unless he wanted to resort to theft the Uchiha had to take what he was offered. So while Sasuke had grown up in the lap of relative luxury, his years as a wanderer had familiarized him with poverty.

"Thanks." The Uchiha offered in a parting shot before scanning the room for a free seat. It was the middle of the day, so the inn's tavern was mostly empty. And it was Kaze no Kuni, so few people had the wealth to spend their days indoors rather than scrabbling out whatever living they could get from the dunes. Picking one on the far side of the room where he could sit with his back to the wall, Sasuke drifted over.

Guard the back and watch the exits. Even if Sasuke was the strongest warrior this side of Konoha – and perhaps the strongest in the world if Naruto hadn't kept training – old habits died hard. He was a shinobi through and through.

Sasuke sunk down, scowling slightly at the faint shake the stool gave beneath him before scooping up one of the onigiri. Pickled plum wasn't a good as tomato by any means, but it was sufficient. Skipping the idatakimasu, the Uchiha sunk his teeth into the sour and salty snack.

The world wobbled.

Chewing slowly, the Uchiha brought up his new left arm and wiped his mouth off the back of a bony hand. It didn't do much good considering his entire body was covered in rags and filth - and about fifteen years too young for that matter.

Sasuke swallowed, tongue swirling along his gums in search of a final grain of rice to try and satisfy the sudden ravenous hunger eating away at his stomach. A swollen moon, wisps of clouds, and a dark forest had replaced the smoky Suna parlour he'd been sitting in.

This was one trippy genjutsu. Sasuke brought up his right hand into a half seal, knowing full well that using the left was just participating in the illusion. "Kai!" he barked, reaching inward for the steady presence of the Rinnegan.

Nothing.

Uchiha Sasuke didn't consider himself a scholar. He hadn't spent years or decades studying the intricacies of space-time ninjutsu. Strange things sometimes happened. It was a fact of life. With enough chakra, or enough sacrifice, transport across the world or even the creation of a pocket dimension could be achieved.

However, when Sasuke sunk his teeth into a onigiri and found himself in a place and state of being quite different between one crunch of pickled plum and the next, he had to admit something was weird.

The Uchiha blinked.

"God damn".

What the hell.

Over and over that phrase rocked through Naruto's head. There was no other way to react to what the fuck was happening besides complete and total shock.

Sure, in his time Naruto had been put into some pretty loopy genjutsu. Shinobi he had to fight on missions seemed to like throwing up some pretty bloody stuff. The 'gorier the better' seemed to be their mission statement. But after a while Naruto had gotten used to the horror, and it became a game of 'oh, it's this again'. Then Naruto had become friends with Kurama, and no illusion could hold him.

Being born and carried around by a bunch of giant redheaded weirdos took the cake on the utterly bizarre genjutsu scale though. It sounded like the kind of scenario that Ino would have thought up if the blond Yamanaka was strung out on crack. After the whole being squeezed through a vagina enterprise, Naruto could have even appreciated the absurd hilarity of it.

But he couldn't feel Kurama. No matter how Naruto scrapped and screamed through the corners of his mind, he couldn't find the damn giant furball. There was just an aching emptiness in the holes of his awareness, torn even deeper by the total absence of chakra. There was something slithering through him, just on the corner of what Naruto could feel. A sensation that was raw and dark and violent. But there was no bijuu touching his senses nor any of the chakra he'd carried with him from the day he was conceived.

Naruto was alone. Three days caged up in a strange little body in a strange big world filled by strange people. And if the Uzumaki was entirely honest with himself, he was a little terrified too. Naruto had no idea how or why the fuck he'd been swept away from everything he knew and loved, but there were limits to what genjutsu could do.

And Naruto was starting to think that this might be real.

Sasuke was familiar with hunger. He'd spent years wandering the shinobi world, wanting to take everything in with eyes unclouded by the need for revenge. Drifting from place to place didn't pay, and while he had gotten by on charity and performing odd jobs for food and shelter, there had been times when he'd gone without anything to eat.

The utter gnawing emptiness of four days without food in his strange little body was something different. Never before had Sasuke been so utterly consumed by the pang of his empty stomach that his whole focus was narrowed down to the single goal of filling it. It wasn't that the Uchiha hadn't gone such a length of time without nourishment before, since he was a trained shinobi; but it was like his new flesh burnt calories at a rate an order of magnitude greater than his old body.

Hence why he was crouched in the hedges, hungry black eyes taking in the sight of succulent red apples swaying in the breeze. The orchard was finally emptied after hours of watching, the farmer who tended it along with his other crops tottering off to bed. Sparing one last sweep for other people, Sasuke launched himself forward.

He couldn't detect any form of security, but based on the city he had seen on the horizon that belch black smoke, the new world was a queer mixture of agrarian and industrial. Sasuke had no guarantee that there weren't invisible alarm systems or hidden cameras watching his every move. Truthfully, he had no idea what anyone in this new world was capable of. He hadn't spoken to any of its denizens yet.

The only thing Sasuke knew was that it was genuine. There was no genjutsu in existence that could overpower his Rinnegan, so if he was in a strange new place with a body that looked to be five years old and nothing resembling chakra anywhere, there was a high probability that it was real. He still desperately wanted to know how the fuck he'd apparently been randomly reborn into a different world by eating a goddamn rice ball, but there were no helpful signposts to offer answers. All the Uchiha could do was continue to survive and hope that things became clearer in time.

Scurrying up the nearest apple tree, Sasuke plucked one and immediately sunk his teeth into it. Sweetness burst over his tongue, and the taste combined with the satisfaction of finally having something in his gullet was almost enough to make Sasuke forget how he'd been reduced to thievery just to live.

"Come on, I'm sure mommy's little fishcake is hungry. It's time to fill that tiny tummy." Popping her nipple into Naruto's mouth, Grayfia briefly reflected that if anyone had walked in to see her cooing and making funny faces at her infant she'd die from the embarrassment. The silver haired woman had a bit of a reputation to uphold, and baby talk didn't exactly fit her public image.

Not to mention that Sirzechs would never let her live it down. Her husband would probably consider it a green light for more fooling around.

After a long beat, her son began to slowly suckle, and Grayfia let out a sigh of relief. Her son always seemed reluctant to begin feeding. It concerned Grayfia, since the silver eyed mother knew just how important it was for babies to get all the nutrients they needed. And although Naruto did always eventually drink his fill of breast milk, the hesitance before he'd start to feed made her worry about his future development. Her baby wouldn't grow up healthy and strong if he started to go off his food in infancy.

Cradling the back of Naruto's head, Grayfia ran a gentle thumb over the red fuzz crowning his head. It was too early to tell what he'd look like when he was grown, but in colouring her boy took entirely after his father. Naruto and Sirzechs shared their crimson hair and pale skin, though when the cloudy blue of infancy faded away Naruto might end up with her silver eyes.

With a final swallow, Naruto released her pink nipple and gave a quiet burp.

Grayfia huffed a low chuckle, moving down to tickle the infant's cheek with a soft fingertip. "There, that wasn't so bad was it? I bet you feel better at least." Tiny lips opened up and closed around her finger, toothless gums gnawing away. Naruto might be only three months old, but her boy had an attitude. It was almost like babying him irritated the child, and his go-to response for tickling was to squeal and try to bite. The force of the little jaw wasn't nearly enough to hurt, but it did amuse her.

A knock sounded on the door of the nursery, giving Grayfia a few moments to tug up the front of her shift before her father-in-law cracked the door open. "I'm coming in." Zeoticus Gremory warned, slowly pushing the slab of wood inward and stepping through. A hand covered the man's eyes for a few heartbeats before he shrugged and slowly lowered it.

The middle aged man grinned, red ponytail bobbing as he strode across the room to hover above the seated mother. "How the little tyke doing today?" The Head of the Gremory family questioned, light blue eyes unerringly fixated on the form of his grandson. Pregnancies were rare enough in their family, making every child all the more precious. "Is he eating well?"

"Yes, he's eating his fill today." Grayfia sighed, nudging at an unoccupied rocking chair with her slipper clad foot. "You don't need to loom over me, Father. Take a seat. We're not going to bite."

"Are you sure?" A teasing lilt filled Zeoticus' voice, the crow's feet around his eyes crinkling with mirth as he sunk into the nearest seat. "Because I have personal experience with Naruto's gnawing habit, and I can see that he takes after his mother in the chomping department."

"Do you want to die?"

Clenching his hand over his heart, Zeoticus gave an exaggerated pout. "Why are you so cold, my dearest daughter-in-law? This old man's heart can't take such cruelty. Quick! I need someone to record my last will and testament before I am slain by my broken heart. Woe is me!"

"Idiot."

"Ah, my eyes are going dark! I'm lost in a tunnel, and I can't stay away from the light! Oh, won't someone save me?"

Grayfia rolled her silver eyes, the movement accompanied by a sudden giggle from her son. "Please don't corrupt my son with your foolishness. His father is already a bad enough influence. I don't need your special brand of idiocy compounding it."

"Bah, the boy has a good sense of humor already. I can feel these things." Zeoticus smirked, running a sagely hand over his crimson stubble before becoming serious once more. "I'm sure you've heard enough of it from Sirzechs already, but don't wear yourself out. We have more than enough wealth to hire a few wet nurses. We don't want you to burn out."

Curling her arms, Grayfia territorially brought Naruto closer to her generous chest. "It is no chore to care for my son." She muttered defensively, smoothing back the infant's cap of red hair. "I wish you would all stop harping on about it."

Zeoticus brought his hands up in a pacifying gesture. "We're only trying to look out for both of you." he explained cautiously. "There's no shame in reaching out if you feel overwhelmed. I know Venelana needed help with both Sirzechs and Rias."

"And if I needed help, I would ask for it."

"Fair enough."

Quiet filled the air, both adults falling silent and watching Naruto instead of continuing their contentious conversation. The baby wriggled in his mother's arms, cloudy blue orbs shifting from one face to another as his pudgy fists sought out Grayfia's silver braids. "Whuuu." Naruto drooled, pink tongue licking at his lips.

"Would you mind if I held him?" Zeoticus smiled reassuringly, hands coming up to accept his grandson when Grayfia gave a short nod. The Duke Gremory had not held many children in his life, with Naruto being the third after his now-grown son and his five year old daughter, but he knew what to do. Careful to support the infant's head, Zeoticus cradled Naruto in the crook of his left arm. "There's a good lad."

Naruto frowned, tugging ineffectually at the white sleeves of his grandfather's blazer before subsiding with a grumble. "I still think that Millicas would have been a great name." the redhaired men smiled, poking at the baby's stomach with a gentle finger. "Not that there's anything wrong with Naruto, but it's certainly not traditional, if you catch my meaning."

"That was kind of the point." Grayfia pointed out dryly. "Sirzechs and I - we felt that after everything that had happened between his Gremory house and my Lucifuge family, not to mention the whole mess with the Lucifer clan, that we wanted something new. Our son won't inherit the mistakes and grudges of his ancestors. We're cutting away the past for him."

A pensive look filled Zeoticus' cerulean gaze. "Are you sure that you can do that?" he pointed out doubtfully. "Even if we try to escape it, we are all shaped by the shadows of those that have come before. His name might be a gift of hope, but I'm unfortunately pessimistic."

"Perhaps you're right." Grayfia agreed with just a touch of despair. "But what else can we do besides search for a better future? If we don't even try to move forward, we will definitely be defined by the past. We would rather have made the effort and failed than never have bothered at all."

Sock clad feet pounded on the pavement, Sasuke's short legs working overtime to propel the young boy's body through the night. Rain fell in sheets, soaking the Uchiha to the bone and covering the asphalt in puddles. It was cold, wet, and miserable, but none of that mattered as much as getting away from his pursuers to Sasuke.

The small city was a modern urban center, towers of steel and glass clawing up at the sky. But even though it was vastly different than the more agricultural settlements he'd known in the elemental nations, some things remained the same. Street vendors still hawked their wares, and at the end of a tiring day their stock was just as ripe for the picking as it would be back home.

Ignoring the dirt on his hands, Sasuke rounded a corner and hurriedly began to peel away the lush skin of an orange. His pockets verily bulged with assorted fruits and vegetables, and while he had a start on his pursuers their long legs were eating away at the distance. The faster he ate, the lighter his pockets would get, and the faster he could run. Or if worst came to worst and Sasuke was caught, at least he'd be caught with a full stomach.

Sasuke sunk his teeth into the orange, barely tasting the citrus flavor as he swallowed it down. Stealing to survive was something that his parents and ancestors running back a dozen generations would frown on. Uchiha were proud shinobi, and the only stealing they ever did was for the sake of the mission. If they couldn't earn their keep by the sweat of their brow, they were a shame to the clan.

Unfortunately, there was no clan to care for his young body in this world. Or perhaps it was fortunate, if simply because the only member of his clan alive was him, and he wasn't disappointing himself when he stole. Sasuke had discarded most of his scruples on his adolescent road to revenge, and when the pressure was on it was easy to ignore Naruto's idealism and fall back into old habits.

Silently cursing the burning in his lungs, Sasuke yanked a carrot from a pocket and crunched down on it. He'd have preferred to have peeled the thing, but he was running out of time. He could hear the thud of boots closing in behind him, and unless he managed to find an obstacle to scurry behind the chase was going to come to a very sudden and very painful end.

Damn his weak body!

At least his pursuers weren't throwing around the odd form of jutsu they seemed to have in this world.

There! Just in the corner of his eye, Sasuke could see a mesh fence barring the distance between two buildings. The Uchiha turned down the alley, forcing his tired body into a dead spread before he leapt.

Twisting his fingers into the holes between the metal wire, Sasuke climbed up the barricade like a hairless little monkey. The cool thick bar that marked the top of the barrier settling in his palms, and the Uchiha grinned with triumph. He could practically taste freedom on his tongue. Very few were the people that would consider a few fruits worth the effort of running a bonafide obstacle course.

Then a hand hooked the back of Sasuke's shorts, tearing the boy down and throwing him to the ground with a sharp cry of pain. His vision swam as a heavy weight settled over his chest, and the Uchiha threw up his arms to cover his face.

"Little scamp!"

Stars exploded as a fist plowed right through his pitiful guard and slammed right into Sasuke's forehead.

Rias grinned, all the sunny happiness Naruto had come to expect from his five year old 'aunt' shining from those white teeth - even if one of her child's chompers had fallen out and left the redhaired girl with a gap in her smile. She was just another crimson haired person in the Gremory family, which Naruto could almost pretend was an alternate world version of his first mother's Uzumaki clan.

There was a difference in shade to be sure. The Uzumaki were notorious for red hair, but from what he'd seen of his mother when she'd appeared in his mindscape all those years ago, it was the deep red of thick real blood, which he remembered seeing in transfusion bags in Konoha's hospital. Their eyes were a truer blue as well, running from the clean azure of the sky to the sapphire of the deep sea. The Gremory family had hair the colour of 'blood' in stage plays, but which was closer to the crimson Naruto would expect from a rose in the real world. Their blue eyes carried a strong green tint, running from teal to turquoise.

But though they had obvious differences, the resemblance was close enough to make Naruto's heart hurt and his mind wander. He couldn't help but conjure up scenarios in his head about the extended family he'd never had. He wondered if Uzumaki Kushina would have been both proud and kind like Grayfia. He wondered if his father would have been an attentive goof like Sirzechs. He wondered what his grandparents would have been like, and if those people he didn't even have a name to label them with would resemble Zeoticus and Venelana.

His wandering fantasies were why he suffered the embarrassment of being shuffled from his 'grandmother's' arms and into his 'aunt's'. These people were not Naruto's real family, but for the moment he was willing to put that behind him and admit that at the least they shared genes with the body he was currently inhabiting.

That didn't make it any less fucking awkward. Some of the guys back home might be ecstatic about being breastfed every day by a beautiful woman with hair the color of titanium, but Naruto didn't have an incest fetish. Or a mommy roleplay fetish for that matter. It was weird as all hell if he was honest, and even though Naruto had to swallow the milk to survive, he wasn't any happier for it. Not only because the novelty of it wore off real damn quick, but being a grown ass man in a baby's body who a decent woman was unknowingly showing her body off to made the whole situation more than a little rapey.

Naruto might be a bit of a pervert, but he'd never in his life knowingly sexually assaulted a woman. And now it felt like he was doing it every day. That guilt was probably why he didn't put up much of a fuss when Rias peered down into his face and whispered in her child's lisp 'Hello, Naru." If she wanted to see a baby, by all the kami in heaven he'd show her a baby.

Gathering up as much of the girl's crimson strands as his tiny fists could hold, Naruto promptly shoved the hair in his mouth and gave the performance of a lifetime. He gurgled and laughed, grabbing at Rias' fingers when she went to yank the ends of her tresses out of his pie hole. Girls seemed to love the whole 'infant grasping at their finger' thing, so Naruto took hold and held on for deal life, smirking smugly when the five year old visibly turned into a puddle of girly goo.

Score one for the future Hokage.

He'd picked up that little number from watching Sakura and Hinata putter about the village. Contrary to popular belief, Naruto wasn't blind, and he was pretty damn sure that the way those two had gone all googly eyed and giggly after encountering an infant was what the lads called 'going baby crazy'. Sakura had still been pining her years away after Sasuke - which was pretty unhealthy - but Naruto would have had to have been deaf and dumb to miss the way Hinata had always looked in his direction after an infant episode.

Just the thought of it was enough to make Naruto shiver. Not that Hinata was ugly by any means, what with the great big juicy jugs and perfect white skin and delicate features, but Naruto was nowhere near ready for children of his own. He was only twenty-one years old, and had been just breaking into his stride with the ladies. Ino did wonderful things with her tongue, and was always down for a no-strings-attached roll in the hay. But he had the strong impression that Hinata would have been a different case. Tapping that ass was surely a one way trip to marital hell with two-point-five kids and a nine-to-five salaryman job.

Naruto had been so careful to wrap it up and avoid kids, and now he got to be one.

Fucking hilarious. Jiraiya would be laughing his wrinkled old ass off in the afterlife.

"Here sweetie." Naruto heard more than saw his 'grandmother' Venelana come up behind him. Soft gentle hands came down to shift his little body around, readjusting Naruto's position and getting rid of the annoying crick in his neck. "He doesn't like to complain, but that should be a little more comfortable for him."

"Okay gramma."

A soft pair of lips brushed against the crown of Naruto's head, filling his tiny nose with the sweet smell of Venelana Gremory's perfume before the brunette woman withdrew.

Ahh, shit. Naruto turned his face into the soft silk of Rias' shirt to hide the sudden wetness of his eyes. He needed to get the fuck outta here, before he got too attached to want to leave. Konoha was waiting for him to go back and become its Hokage. He had precious people to protect there. Naruto didn't need the complication of precious people to protect over here too.

(AN): 5000 words here on the third version. She keeps growing... From here on what you can expect is my typical canon plus realism style. Oh, and no chakra. This is a brave new world folks, and the lads are starting from scratch.