[A/N: After the end of 610, I can't help but muse how rushed and simple the wrap up of our beloved character of Jessica Pearson. I know there is only so much time the writers had in the last few episodes to give Jessica the send off she deserved-at the top of her game, showing us one more time her class, fortitude and goodness-but I was disappointed of how the writers built this beautifully quiet and deep bonded backstory between Jessica and Harvey over the years and then just simply gave them a shared toast with the other characters. There was so much potential for one hell of a scene and all we got was that Harvey was going to be 'ok'? The character of Jessica is a queen and a wonderful example to us career gals. Jessica got a chance to chase her bliss after going up against titans in her day in and day out, and the happily ever factor is nice but somehow I'm left saddened that Harvey was not somehow a part of the send-off. Nonetheless, I shall miss Gina Torres and the life she gave Jessica Pearson.

Now, off to story I tried a different technique with this Jarvey story. Not sure how I feel about it as It's written from the character's perspective and takes place the next day, right after what we saw in 610. Depending how this is received, I may continue…you guys let me know how you feel about it. I tried to take us on the ride of the emotions that the characters may feel in the aftermath and dig a little deeper than what we get to see on screen. It's like they are telling us the story. We start with Harvey. Disclaimers: I own nothing. All belongs to the USA network and rightful owners. XO]

A Moment of Quiet Reflection

Harvey Spector

It was all I could manage at that moment. It was all I could compute at that second.

'She was my mentor.'

That's it.

That was all I could get out at that moment with Donna.

"What do you mean 'that's it', Harvey?" Dr. Agard posed with a furrowed brow, like I confused her with the simplicity of the statement. I didn't realize my grammatical prose was up for debate.

I mean she was so much more to me that just a mentor. But I couldn't say it out loud. Not in front of Donna.

"Do you think you were protecting Donna from elaborating…or yourself?"

You tell me.

"Harvey, I've noticed a pattern with you whenever we come to the topic of Jessica. Almost every time I bring her up, or whenever we start to dig a little deeper, you divert. It's like you scrape the surface and then just sift it to the side. I once commented that Jessica sounded like a hell of a woman and you said, 'why does it matter?' Why is it so difficult for you to open up about her?"

Because she's off limits in here.

"Ok fine, why don't you tell me what happened between when Jessica broke the news of her resignation and when Donna came into your office?"

Why does that matter?

"Because it does. And if you're not going to open up on an emotional level than I at least need the facts to help you."

I let go of a breath I didn't realize I was holding and then started, We finished our drinks, the four of us- Jessica, Louis, Donna and me. And then Jessica had a moment with Louis on her sofa. Not sure what she said to him exactly but Louis headed off for the evening. He was a mess at first but he seemed better after they talked privately. He and Jessica had a very tumultuously endearing, but very special, relationship. He worships her and she always had some sort of soft spot for him, most of the time…anyway…I offered to walk Jessica out to the elevators, you know… one last time. I mean, she would still be back for hand off next week but, I don't know, I just had this gnawing feeling like she would be gone after this night, really gone. And the last time she would walk out of that office would be with me, no matter what. Donna had returned to her desk to pack up for the evening. We were all so tired and wrung out by the end of the day. So much had happened in that one day, that week, hell the last few months.

My voice clogged my throat by the end of my last statement. I needed water to get this next part out. I was desperate for some perspective because I couldn't get my head straight in the last 24 hours.

I knew Dr. Agard could help me figure this mess out because my gut was giving me every indication that something was wrong.

Something just wasn't sitting right with what I felt and what happened just the night before with Jessica.

I just couldn't get a grip.

I could feel the burn of the tears building behind my eyes. It was all starting to bubble like scalding water on a high heat. That moment with Jessica at the elevators was…

"What is it Harvey?"

The…uh… way she looked at me. We had a moment.

"Did you and Jessica ever have a sexual relationship over the years?"

What?

"It's a fair question Harvey."

No, never.

"Did you ever want to?"

At this very moment I wanted to shake Dr. Agard. How could she reduce my relationship with Jessica to something cheap and common like an office affair? It was so demeaning and so unfair to our years together. I was so disgusted; I couldn't even look Dr. Agard in the eye. All I could manage was a repetitive shake of my head at her crassness.

That was enough.

End.

Of.

Conversation.

"Ok Harvey, have it your way. We have a few more minutes in the session. Let's just have some quiet reflection time and just sit here while you compartmentalize last night's events and we'll just do this all over again in a week. I mean its not like we haven't already established letting something out decreases the chances of it having power over you, your thoughts, actions and your mental state."

Dr. Agard checked her watch and lowered her eyes to the floor as she crossed her arms to her chest. I saw her shift her position in her chair, something she often did with me to disarm me, a negotiation tactic, clear as day. She would disengage with me long enough to let me stir in my own shit until I was so irritated enough that I would spill, an unspoken challenge.

I knew the tactic; I'd used it a million times before with clients.

But I was so tired…so goddamn tired after the last few months. I was at my breaking point. Too much was changing and way too quickly.

My one constant…and she was leaving me.

I felt like I had no more time, like some imaginary clock was ticking, which was just ridiculous. It's not like Jessica was dying, or leaving New York for that matter... Jessica would still be around and I knew we would always be in one another's lives but in what capacity? I just knew deep down that things would never be the same. It was some scary shit to think about where I go from here?

How do I just lock up all the years of friendship… mentorship… quiet comforts… laughs… comradery… competition… moments… memories… and just say goodbye?

I owed her so much more than just…whatever last night was.

I needed this off my chest, this secret I've been carrying for years.

Its weight was becoming stifling.

It was like I couldn't breathe.

I was sure I was about to have a panic attack.

I'd felt that constricting feeling many times before over the years, but it's only recently that the attacks started winning the battle against my mind and body.

There was a time I would just go to see Jessica and she always knew what to do, what to say to ease me, all the way down to my core. She wouldn't even know I was on the brink. Her affects were that quick. You see, Jessica has this way about her- this graceful ability to take whatever afflicts give clarity, perspective and calm.

Sometimes it was simply enough just to see her face and my anxiety would ease itself. Its like… the beauty of her insides manifested physically and showed the world indirectly what was running through her. And god help you if she looked at you…really looked at you. She had this way of seeing right into your goddamn soul. But not everyone could see her this way. Most saw Jessica as a shining beacon of power, influence and unimaginable strength that without having to lay hands on someone, she could snap them in to place or in half. Most described her as cold, unfeeling, strategic and self-serving. But she was nothing of the sort, when it really mattered, she would throw herself in the fire and run through it with you or even a few steps ahead of you if the blaze was big enough, just to protect you. Now mind you, she had to find you worthy enough, but if she did, you knew somehow, someway, you would be okay if she was with you.

And If I couldn't say all this out loud to Jessica, then at least Dr. Agard was the safest haven I had at this moment.

She's…she's leaving.

She won't be down the hall from me anymore.

She won't be in my corner anymore.

She won't be there anymore. When I think about everything I ever did, or said, or didn't say…I did so much to her over the years, some things I could say even unforgiveable. I broke her too many goddamn times, and I'm pretty sure its one of the reason she is leaving. She can't do it anymore because of my actions and my decisions. Because of Mike, because of the demise of our firm, because of all the other stupid, impulsive, immature and selfish things I've done. It's because of me. And this guilt is killing me because I…

"Harvey?"

…just fucking say it…own up, man up...C'mon Harvey…

…Because, I love her goddamn it! I'm in love with Jessica.

I looked to and I could see the spark of realization. All the pieces of the jigsaw I gave Dr. Agard over the last year started to come together, unifying the landscape of all my issues, piece by piece.

I've loved other women over the years…in different ways...all with the hope of moving forward or moving on. But I've loved Jessica the longest and probably, if I'm being truthful, the most genuinely. But the secret…its just…I don't even know what's real anymore. I've loved her enough to give up everything…for her. Her happiness. I'd sacrifice everything for her, my career, my possessions, all of it… for her. I would follow her blindly into the night, because she's always been my light. I've loved her so long that even when I betrayed her it was symptomatic of the love I felt because my hurt and frustration ran so goddamn deep. I reacted from a place uncontrollable indignation and betrayal. I just wish that I knew then, what I know now, when I hired Mike and put her and what could have been in jeopardy. I don't regret Mike, which is what makes all of this so complicated. He's my family, my brother. But I can't help but give pause to it now…in the end…of the final consequence to Jessica. I would have taken the bullet for her for all of it if Mike didn't make the decision to cut the deal. But I destroyed her…

I couldn't help but take a moment to collect my thoughts. I felt like I was rambling, too many loose ends all tying together.

What I feel for Jessica I believe is the biggest reason why I can't fully give myself to another woman. It's because I belong to Jessica without her even knowing. I mean, how can you give yourself to someone when all you can do is compare them to the only woman who really held your heart?

It's doomed from the start.

I looked to Dr. Agard when the next part came out. I knew how shallow my voice was at this point, I was on the verge of breakdown. The burn was uncontrollable.

I know you've diagnosed that it's because of my issues with my mother and family that I can't seem to commit to a healthy and loving relationship- that its part of the roots of my anxiety and some of my destructive behaviors- but in its simplicity I've just secretly loved a woman who was unattainable and off limits and the weight of that is destructive to anything which conflicts with my truth. I mean, besides the obvious reasons why it wasn't possible, the other side of the coin is that I knew I was never good enough to be with her when I was working on all of this shit over the years.

So there you have it, that's the ugly truth Dr. Agard. So, what now?

"Thank you Harvey."

For what?

"For finally telling me your truth, where the crux of your journey begins. You have an undeniably deep-rooted history with this woman. She has been many things to you over the years, and we can list them in order and examine the evolution of your relationship, but I have to ask in the general sense of it all to help me do the work with you."

What?

"It seems as though there is this forbidden love aspect from what I gather. How do you know it's not just a preconceived fantasy? The chase, so to speak?"

Because…it's not! I've controlled myself for almost twenty years to never cross that line. I've tried not to dance on that boundary because I value, respect and care for Jessica beyond my selfish feelings for her. So much so that I feared hurting her and ruining all of what we were destined for professionally and as partners. Because that's what I do best, destroy and then repair the broken parts. That's the chase I seek. It's the thrill of trying to make the jump shot before the clock runs out. It's my flaw and my gift. Look at what happened with Mike….It's all because of me and my choices. But here's the thing, my flaw did come in handy when I would destroy our...her enemies. God help the man who came knocking to destroy her. I would walk to the ends of the earth for Jessica.

I couldn't help but also think about the simplest reason why I wouldn't cross the line with Jessica besides protecting what was ours and that was those quiet moments that are so indescribable for the average person to comprehend. Sometimes, they were the moments that gave me the most peace in times of chaos, and if I was completely truthful with myself, and in my adult life.

It's funny…no one is as much fun as Jessica is when the world isn't watching her. No one is kinder or more unselfish than she is. She talks a good game of being emotional Teflon, but she always puts others before herself. She'll always find the solution for you first, and think of herself later. I couldn't give that up…that care, it felt really good to know there would always be that force in my corner when my everyday is so burdening and draining. I'm self aware enough to know that I've been a mess of a man for years, I still am. I've thought about it many times, lost many nights of sleep thinking about all the ways I could go to Jessica and tell her about all of this, inside… and I always come to the same conclusion.

"Which is?"

I know I would hurt her because it's who I am. I always ended up hurting her, disappointing her. I even betrayed her…once, one time too many and It should have never happened. But it did.

"What did you do Harvey?"

I orchestrated a coup to oust her from her position as Managing Partner, even after everything she did for me, just to spite her in my state of selfish hurt, jealousy and hollowness.

Dr. Agard just stared a hole through me.

I disgusted her.

I could see it, plain as day.

I know. I'm a piece of shit. For the record I am still very ashamed, and I still hate myself for it. It makes me sick. It's shit like that, the things I do in anger and pseudo-betrayal. When I lash out, it comes from the dark places within me. But Jessica always somehow managed to forgive me. She always gave me another chance because she knew that deep down…I didn't mean it, that I am pathetic and needed her mercy…but also because we're bonded, as twisted as it sounds. The logical part of my brain knows her forgiveness is out of pity, but the other part of me makes me believe that she's the only woman who could really love me…flaws and all.

"You mentioned you had a moment, at the lifts, before you parted ways last night. Do you feel comfortable enough telling me now what exactly happened?"

I…uh…

My voice cracked. I cleared my throat as the creep of the moment caught me again.

…walked her to the elevators and we stood there for a few moments, shoulder to shoulder staring at our names on the wall. It's such a trip when you really think about the journey. It's not until you reach the end, that you ever really give any attention to the beginning. It was the first time in a long time that I had a quiet moment of reflection about all of it, the big picture.

Talk about perspective! And all because of the woman who stood by my side.

I turned my head to look at Jessica, but she just stared ahead.

She couldn't look at me.

She had tears in her eyes.

I think it was all coming to a head for her and she started processing the reality of moving on and what she just did. I think she at that moment accepted what she had just done and all the aftermath that was to come.

And when that one tear rolled down her face, I felt everything unglue within me.

I somehow managed the strength to say to her 'You don't have to do this' as I wiped the rogue tear away from her face. She gave me that devastatingly beautiful smile of hers through her silent tears and then said, 'I can honestly say that I have done it all. But I haven't really lived. I've called the shots for so many years for everyone else, except in my own life. It's time that I live for me, on my terms.'

I told her this would always be her home and if ever she would change her mind, the letters of Pearson would be back up on the wall within seconds.

She reached for my face and ran her thumb across my cheek and then brushed close to my mouth. She was moved but had this small sad smile on her face. I kissed her palm and then held her hand to my chest.

And when I did that, she came to me.

Jessica held me tight as though she tried to pour everything she couldn't or wouldn't say. All I remember was her handbag dropping to the floor and then everything just faded around me. I held her with everything I had; I don't even know how long we stood like that.

It wasn't until she whispered in my ear, 'Harvey, our castle was never built on pillars of salt or sand. It was built on blood, sweat, tears, faith, and blind trust. You were the best part of my years here. I regret nothing, not one moment.'

I pulled away from her and held her by the waist, just far enough to tell she was the most important woman in my life and she would always be. We both shed a few more tears and then when we finally broke apart…the look in her eyes, it was…I'm still floored by that moment of silence between us. We were fixated on one another. It was like something shifted in that one moment, like all the barriers we both had put up over the years to protect all of this were now null and void.

I always knew she cared, but I could swear at that moment I felt like she loved me on some level.

I should have kissed her.

When it all became too much, Jessica reached for the button to call the elevator, and when it came, I had to let her go. She stepped into the elevator and the doors started to close in, and my panic in letting her go kicked in. I held the doors and forced them back open and asked her to dinner on Sunday night and she gracefully agreed. And that was it.

I can't imagine ever doing any of this without her. My biggest fear over the years was losing her, except now it's my reality and I don't know what to do Dr. Agard? Logically I know I should tell her how I feel. But how?

"Well Harvey, now that you've let me in on what you've been holding back this last year from me, I think you need to ask yourself how you want to go through the rest of your life? Do you want to continue living in isolated moments that hold you over and satisfy you for a period of time before you move on to the next thing? I mean you'll definitely limit the possibility of being hurt but in the process will still collect collateral because you can't fully give yourself to someone else?"

I'm so tired of that Dr. Agard. It always ends the same way, in destruction for the other woman and myself, because the guilt and shame of not conquering my fear eats me up from the inside out. It's chaos, constantly doing the same thing, hoping for different outcome.

"Ok, well then ask yourself if you're ready to risk getting hurt for the possibility of great love? If it doesn't go your way, you may be facing a devastating outcome if Jessica may not feel the same way. You may permanently lose your deep-rooted friendship and what you're hoping for in one fail sweep."

That sounded so awful that I could already start to feel the constriction in my chest. But then Dr. Agard continued, "But if she does, well Harvey, you'll be in for one hell of a journey, but this one may finally bring you some peace and the maybe even some the of the greatest moments of your life, the things you have yet to experience."

I think I'm ready, I just need to build up the courage to bring myself to go through with it, and somehow eloquently tell Jessica.

"Good, if you can admit it, it's half the battle to find the courage. There is one more scenario to consider..."

What is it?

"You can just let Jessica go and move on with time. Let time heal the possibilities and let Jessica go down her own path. You said you love her enough that you would give everything up for her if you had to, does that include your own selfish needs and wants? Would you be prepared to let her go for her to find her own bliss and happiness on her own terms, on her own journey as she said to you at the lifts? The benefit to you Harvey is that you will be free of what has always held you back from fully living because of this complex female relationship in your life. You'll have the chance to explore other relationships, which may not be as stifling and complex. You could open up an entire realm of alternative possibilities. The other thing is that you'll get to keep your close friendship in tact with Jessica but a romantic relationship will have to be something you will have to let go of once and for all. Jessica won't be part of your everyday world anymore, she won't be there as a constant which clearly affects how you function, your decisions, and your behaviors. You can finally move on and find what your life looks like without her."

I can't. That is not an option. That would be like burying my head in the sand and the minute I resurface, or I'm around her… I may as well go back to scenario one.

"Then Harvey, my recommendation would be to really think about how you want to position all of this with Jessica and be prepared if may not go your way. And if it does, prepare yourself as well."

What do you mean?

"Well, a woman like Jessica will expect a lot from you in a relationship."

I would never cheat on her or be unfaithful.

"Relationships are not just about being faithful, Harvey. Jessica is going through a major transition in her life and will have many moments of uncertainty. You will have to support her not just cognitively but emotionally. As familiar as the two of you are with one another's learned behaviors, you will be discovering brand new aspects of one another. You'll see and hear things you may not be prepared for- her vulnerabilities, her darkness and insecurities. The same will apply for Jessica with you, but somehow I get the feeling she will be able to shoulder what you put on her. You will need to work on it Harvey- your patience, your temper, your ego.

Can you give me a little more explanation and context? What do I need to do to get this right with Jessica?

Dr. Agard sighed and continued to elaborate, "There will be very little room for the things I previously mentioned within the realm of a relationship and you will need to be cognitive of your shortcoming traits, the things that tend to get you trouble. You won't be able to be reactive and fly off the handle and just react and hope she will just fix whatever mistakes you make as she has in the past and just forgive you. There is an accountability and responsibility with a woman like Jessica who is self made, self-motivated, and unselfish as you said previously. She was your boss, your mentor, your teacher, so I assume she shouldered more to help you evolve and come into your own as a partner, as a friend and as a man. But if you chose to romantically commit to her, the scale of care, compassion and unselfish consideration will need to be more balanced toward her to level out. You will need to constantly be aware of your behaviours and their affects because she won't be those things to you anymore. She will simply be a woman who chose you to share her life with. There's also the fact that Jessica is a force of a woman, and strong willed women like her have a very sensitive scale of what they need from their partner. She is not like most women Harvey. Because she is so used to carrying the load for everyone else, she needs a partner who will help her lighten it and make her feel no less of a woman. I suspect she won't want to be a fragment of the woman she used to be either, even through she isn't in a position of power anymore. She will still need to feel empowered, even though the circumstances of her life have changed. That's what I mean by prepare yourself…she won't be the same after the choices she just made. Ask yourself if you can be that kind of partner and help her find that balance? Really think about it Harvey before you say something you can't take back. Can you be a man who can support her, love her, appreciate her, fight for her even when you're tired, give willingly without expectation? There is more to a relationship than just sex, faithfulness and date nights. That's the easy stuff."

Everything that Dr. Agard said was so profound, and so on point that it made me wonder if maybe Jessica wasn't a client of hers too. It's like she knew Jessica…or maybe, she was speaking from experience? Whatever it was, it gave enough clarity that I knew I wanted this to be my next challenge as a man. Failure wasn't an option, not when it came to Jessica. I wanted to be everything for her, to her, with her. No other woman would be worth this fight. Jessica was extraordinary and I wanted to be a man of extraordinary exception too and so I confirmed, I understand Dr. Agard. And I will, before I talk to her. I don't want to make another selfish decision when it comes to Jessica.

"That is the right response. You have definitely made some great strides today and over the last few months, Harvey. You are more acutely aware of yourself since I first met you. I think you're ready to do some soul-searching and make some life decisions. But it seems we've gone over our time of our session."

Dr. Agard smiled at me as she headed toward the door to see me off and said as I passed. "Consider this one on the house."

I returned Dr. Agard's small smile and nodded in appreciation as I strode to her buttoning up my suit jacket. It was a gesture of good will...maybe even luck.

When I reached my town car I sent Jessica a text message confirming our dinner plans. She responded within a few moments, she would see me at nine.

In that small moment of quiet reflection, I knew I had to tell Jessica. It was time.

THE END.