"She doesn't want the surgery."

"She hasn't seen my plan." Amelia defended. "The others she went to are too conservative. This would give her a chance at living. She deserves that."

"Or it could kill her." Nathan countered.

"Yes." Amelia said as she chose her words carefully. "It could kill her but I'm not going to kill her."

Meredith sat there for the past twenty minutes as the two of them bickered over what to do about his mother. Nathan was not in a good place, she could see that. Amelia was trying to help, she could see that, too. She stood by Derek's side when he was in a bad mood. Luckily, Nathan hadn't brought out the name calling with her. He was the quiet kind of miserable. He didn't express emotion all that much. The day prior had been particularly bad. He didn't often break down in the way that he had. That was rare. It only meant how much everything was getting to him. She wanted to be there for him. It was why she was sitting there as she listened to them go back and forth without offering much of her own opinion.

She didn't think they would listen to her.

He was concerned for his mother. Even she had a concern for her mother when they were at their worst. It was still your mom. She wasn't very good with parents. Never had been. Things felt like they had gone spectacularly terrible with Derek's mom but she liked her. A fluke. She didn't want to know what Nathan's mom thought of her. Some things were better left unsaid.

She somewhat zoned out when they were bickering. She barely got any sleep last night. Nathan finally fell asleep with his head on her lap. She didn't dare move. Instead she spent too much of the night reading over her medical files, looking at the scans, wracking her brain for a clear answer even if she wasn't sure there was one. It'd been a while since she was in neuro, but Derek did teach her a lot. Most of her residency was devoted to it. She didn't have any good answers for Nathan no matter how long she sat there. She really wished she did.

"Meredith," Amelia's voice was exasperated, "will you talk to him?"

Meredith was broken out of her own thoughts as she looked between the two of them. "You should at least present all the information to the patient."

"You can present it all you want." Nathan said, folding his arms across his chest. "But I'm not going to help you sell this to her."

"Great." Amelia smiled as she turned back to look at the scans that were covering the walls of the room. "I want to admit her for more testing."

"You don't do anything without me there." He told her as he got paged. "Run your tests but I want to be there when you actually talk to her about your little plan."

Amelia turned to look back at him without saying anything.

"I mean it, Shepherd."

"Fine."

Nathan left the room and her eyes lingered on him until he was out of sight. She turned her attention to Amelia without saying anything. Her eyes looked over the newest scans and well, they weren't good. Not the worst tumor she'd ever seen but it wasn't a nice, neat little one that Amelia could take out and everything would be fine. The risks were huge.

"Say it, Meredith."

"I wasn't going to say anything." She said honestly. "I'm just here to keep you both from killing each other."

"If I kill her he's never going to forgive me." She turned to look over at her. "Nor will you."

"You're not going to kill her, and I don't think you need my speech in order to believe that yourself." Things weren't always perfect when it came to Amelia, but she knew that she was good at what she did. She wanted to help. That was all it was. If Nathan didn't trust her even remotely they would have found another brain surgeon, anyway. She didn't mention that part to Amelia. They didn't need to start fighting. "Don't doubt yourself. If Nathan sees for even a second you do he'll fight you the whole way."

Amelia nodded. "Thank you, Meredith."

She got up from the seat and made her way out of the room. There was a heavy weight upon her shoulders from everything. It was a messy situation and she could really use some calm. Or sex. Preferably both. She could feel Nathan right there, literally, he was always nearby, but otherwise it felt like they were world's apart. She knew Nathan but sometimes she doubted she knew how to help him.

"How is he?" Teddy asked as Meredith stepped into the lounge.

"Struggling." She answered honestly as she made herself her third cup of coffee for the day. "I don't know how to help him." Part of her was looking for advice without actually asking for advice.

"Just be there for him." Teddy offered. "He wants the truth even if he doesn't want to hear it. Lay all the information about the case out and go from there. He's going through a lot."

Meredith nodded even though she didn't know if it was really the advice she was looking for. She didn't know what she was looking for. Some sign from the universe that everything would be okay, probably. Not that universe ever really worked in her favor. Instead it was the exact opposite.

She was in a better place, but her life had a very long track record of being complete crap with more crap piled on top.

"Is his dad here yet?"

"He'll be here around four." Meredith answered as she took a sip of her coffee. "Amelia is pushing for surgery."

Teddy looked up but didn't say anything.

"You can say it. I don't care."

"She's your sister." Teddy was cautious. "I'm not getting in the middle of that."

"If this was Cristina it'd be different but she's not." That was the truth. She would ignore anything Teddy had to say about Cristina, but Amelia she wouldn't be so harsh. A little, maybe, but not bite out something mean and storm out of the room just because.

"She sees this as a cool surgery. We've all done it. We have those patients that we want to save because the odds are stacked against us, but Nathan is still a real person. They have to work together. You're dating him. I could barely look at Owen after Henry. Even Cristina I was unfair to a lot of the time. I know that now."

"You're saying you don't think she should do it."

"I'm not saying that." Teddy said as she got up off of the couch. "You're in an impossible situation." She didn't elaborate any further as she walked out of the room.

Meredith stood there alone with her thoughts. She stirred her coffee almost absently as she tried to think things over. It really was an impossible situation, wasn't it? She wasn't going to worry about it until Amelia actually spoke to his mother.

She downed her coffee as quick as she could before she went to actually get some work done. Surgery was always her favorite distraction. Even if she only had a run of the mill operation she could do in her sleep. It kept her from thinking about Nathan every second.

When she was done and gave orders to one of the interns to keep an eye on the patient and update her with any changes she found Nathan standing in the hallway. She stood next to him, silently for a moment, looking up at him. When they first met she never thought that they would be anything. Now she loved him and wanted to be there for him no matter what. Even in his depressive moments he was still stupidly attractive.

"My biggest concern used to be our relationship." He spoke after a moment. "That you would freak out or I would freak out. Maybe the kids would hate me, or we would fight so bad it would end. I almost miss that. Not having to worry about actual, real problems. My life is now actual real problems."

"Well," she started, "the kids really like you. So do I. You're good for them." That was another thing she didn't ever think she would be okay with. It was different with someone like Alex or Owen. Alex was one of her closest friends, her other person, the one she'd been through hell and back with. The kids knew he was Uncle Alex. With Owen, he was married to Cristina and then to Amelia. They were all a family and the kids understood that. With Nathan it was very clear he wasn't exactly an uncle sort of thing.

Derek would always be their dad but Nathan was...well, she didn't think she was quite ready to admit was Nathan was actually becoming. She could, however, admit that they liked him and he was good for them.

Baby steps.

Nathan smiled softly at her. "Are you saying that to me because you feel bad?"

"Not entirely. It's difficult for me to admit that they'll never know Derek, but it's good they have you." She smiled back at him. "Don't let it go to your head."

Nathan kept his smile before he turned his head so he was back to looking at the empty space in front of him. "You said Derek would operate."

"I believe he would have." She answered honestly. "He'd want her to have the best chance." He also took risks.

"Same approach as Amelia?"

"Similar." She nodded. "If you don't trust her we can call someone else."

"It's not that." He dismissed, a soft shake of his head.

"What is it?"

"I'm not going to worry about it until Shepherd talks to her." He remained quiet for a moment. "Do you want to get something to eat?"

"Yeah." Meredith turned to walk towards the cafeteria with him.

As they sat down she noticed the way Nathan just kind of pushed his food around without actually eating anything. She said nothing as she only took a few bites herself. Her mind was as distracted as his these days.

"We should have pizza for dinner." He eventually broke the silence. "We like the pizza. The kids like pizza."

"Okay." Meredith agreed. "Is that what you're think about — dinner?"

"I'm thinking I really want pizza. How stupid, right?"

"A little," she smiled, "but you have stupid thoughts normally."

"I'm sad and you're being cruel to me. How terrible, Dr. Grey." But he was smiling, too, teasing her.

"Very on brand, isn't it?"

"I don't know. You weren't that bad."

Meredith raised her eyebrow at him. "Now I think you're definitely lying."

"I am not." He swore. "Would I ever lie to you?"

"About this? Yes."

Those were the easy moments between them. The effortless banter that made it feel like they were going to go back to work and then everything would be fine. That was not even remotely close to any reality. It was nice to have a couple minutes where things weren't about dead spouses and dying moms.

She had to leave for a surgery she had scheduled but promised that she would come down when she was done. It wouldn't take too long and she wanted to be there for when they went to talk to her. She wanted to be there for Nathan, really.

As it turned out Meredith was done sooner than she expected and left the patient under the care of a resident so that she could go and see what was going on. She could nearly hear the voices from down the hall.

"I won't do it unless Nathan approves." His mother's voice rang out.

As Meredith turned the corner her eyes immediately went to where Nathan stood with his arms crossed as he leaned back against the wall.

"What about your life?" An unfamiliar male's voice loomed. "Our life? Our marriage. Not what your son thinks."

"He is your son, too."

Meredith moved so she could stand next to him. He watched the scene unfold between her and definitely felt like she was intruding on something that she shouldn't have been. A very family moment.

"And he's not a neurosurgeon."

"He's my power of attorney." She said.

Meredith looked over at Nathan who didn't seem phased in the slightest by that. Clearly, the whole situation between them was unclear to her. Why wouldn't she want her husband to be her power of attorney? Not even going to touch that question with a ten foot pole. That just seemed like it would open some weird can of parental worms. She already knew way too much about Ellis and Richard. She didn't need to know more about his parents.

"I'm your husband."

She waved him off. "This discussion is over."

"Will you talk some sense into your mother?"

"The decision is hers." Nathan said as he looked between the two of them. "I'm not getting in the middle of whatever squabble you two are in."

"Is this because of Megan?" He asked as he narrowed his eyes slightly at his son.

"No." Nathan replied evenly.

"I hardly think punishing your mother because of what she said all those years ago is fair, son."

"I'm not punishing anyone." He replied calmly. "Dr. Shepherd weighed the pros and cons of the surgery. She is the surgeon. I am just your son, here for support. If she wants the surgery fine. If she doesn't then fine. Megan is dead. She holds no weight. If you want a second opinion be my guest. I'll get you a list of surgeons."

"Great."

"We don't need a second opinion." She turned so she was looking at her husband. "I have had many second opinions."

"So," his father said, "you're getting the surgery. Great."

"I already told you I want Nathan's opinion."

"I don't care." Nathan finally spoke back up. "Just make a decision."

"I told you coming here was a bad idea. He's as uncaring towards his own dying mother as he was when he was a teenager."

Meredith swallowed as she continued to watch it all play out. This was probably the longest she'd ever stayed quiet in a situation like this. Old her would have ran far away but she didn't want to fight Nathan later when she showed up then bolted because it was uncomfortable. Boy, she was really, really uncomfortable.

"I care." Nathan said after a moment. "But I'm not going to berated by you both."

"What about what your girlfriend thinks." She piped up.

"Lucas Riggs." His father eventually greeted, offering his hand out to her.

"Meredith Grey." She shook his hand.

"Your father should know about your life."

"You're not his usual type." Lucas commented as he looked her up and down. "Megan would have mouthed off already."

"Kill me, please." He whispered to Meredith when she stood at his side. "Just end it right now. Anything would be better than this."

"What do you think?" Victoria eventually asked, turning all of her attention to Meredith suddenly, over the men in her life.

"It's not my place to say."

"You are the widow of Derek Shepherd, are you not?"

Meredith looked over at Nathan for a brief moment. Not that she thought he would have told them, but sometimes he could surprise her.

"Relax, he didn't say anything. He hasn't shared anything about you at all." Lucas interfered as he looked between them. "As you can see he has suddenly developed the ability to be mute. Comes with age, I suppose."

Nathan gave a brief glance towards his father. "You're either going to hate her or hit on her. So, can we just get on with it?"

"I googled." His mother interjected before it became a fight between the two of them. "Surely in your marriage you came to know about neurosurgery. Seeing as Amelia is his sister it runs in the family, does it not?"

"I'm a general surgeon." Meredith replied. She wanted out of the conversation as much as Nathan did. If she was ever going to get paged for one reason or another it would be in that moment.

"I'm not asking you to do my surgery. I am asking a simple opinion. What would you do? How difficult is that?"

Nathan pinched the bridge of his nose and let out a very frustrated groan. One that said everything he wasn't saying. One that also added a hell of a lot more tension to the room. If that was even possible. Standing there it felt like someone was going to explode at any second.

"We can't make those choices for you." She was doing anything to stop from answering. "The choice is yours."

"Then answer as the girlfriend of my son."

She looked at Nathan before she said anything. She didn't want to overstep. There was a certain fear in her that this would break them up, she realized. Not Megan but this situation right in front of them. They managed to survive Megan even if he wasn't over it. It was different. She could understand him with her and gave the space. With his parents right there in the flesh she couldn't give him space and let him work it out. They were also very alive and hers were very dead. They were parents she rarely saw, as it was.

Even with Nathan rarely seeing them and never talking about them...well, she was missing a lot of history.

"Go ahead." Nathan said. "She asked. You don't need my permission to answer."

"I would have the surgery so I could spend more time." She didn't want to say with her kids, but it was the truth. The thought of getting Alzheimer's still terrified her by the moment. She wanted to spend as much time as she could with them. They already lost Derek. They didn't deserve to lose someone else.

"He doesn't want you to have the surgery." Lucas said. "So, I don't understand why we're wasting our time on this."

"I never said that." Nathan defended.

"You're not saying anything."

"What do you want me to say?" He asked. "What the fuck do you want me to say? She's a doctor. She's not an idiot. You treat her like one but she's not. She knows what she is going to do. I know she's going to have it because I know how you two operate. I know that it doesn't matter if I say she should or shouldn't. You two always put me through this. I'm tired of making your decisions. It's why I haven't spoken to you in the past, what? Nearly a god damn decade."

"Nathan." Meredith said, putting her hand on his arm.

All he did was pull away from her. "She's here because of her own guilty conscious. She doesn't care. You knew what happened to Megan and I couldn't even get a phone call. An email. Nothing. I have never been in that much pain before and neither of you even cared. So, I don't know why now I'm supposed to suddenly care what the hell happens to you two. So, have the surgery or don't have the surgery. But stop pretending like you aren't here to just do what you always do."

Meredith watched the way his outburst hit. She didn't further try to stop him. Instead she just listened as he went off on them. When he was done he walked out of the room.

"Meredith." Victoria called just as she turned to follow him.

She turned to look between the both of them, waiting for her to say something.

"You must think we're bad people."

"I think," she couldn't quite put into words what she wanted to say, "that I need to go be with him."

There were lots of thoughts on her mind. Mostly, she wanted to know more of whatever the hell was going on. She wanted to know about his childhood and the hostility between them all. She wasn't exactly a patron saint of anything when it came to her own mother. She remembered how hostile and terrible things could be, but there were moments where things looked better. She did come to understand her, but she didn't know if she'd ever truly like her.

The damage that was done could never be undone. That was a harsh reality they all had to deal with.

Once she was out in the hall she saw Nathan sitting on the floor with his back against the wall.

"You don't have to be here, you know." He said, looking up at her. "I don't want to drag you into this weird dynamic."

Meredith quietly sat down next to him. "You don't have people on your team."

"Thanks. Really appreciate that right now."

"I'm not saying that to be mean." She really should have rephrased that before she said anything. "Your parents are screwed up. Owen and Teddy haven't bothered to come by. April isn't here, nor Arizona. They are your friends but they aren't here for you when you need it. I've been there. I didn't really have anyone until Cristina. Then I had Derek but even that wasn't always having someone on my team. Now I have Alex to be there when I need it. I have you." She looked over at him.

Nathan let out a breath. "It was always Teddy and Owen then me and Megan. We were all friends but it's different. Owen hated me and I get it. We'll never get that back. Teddy will always be there for him. We're friends, close ones, but it's different. When we stopped searching I didn't really talk to either of them. It's just...different, Meredith. You know that. Clearly I can't think of another word to use other than different." He turned to her. "You know what that loss is like. I don't have siblings. I was in the middle east where most of your friends die. By bombs or missing choppers or because they get shot by both enemy and friendly fire. So, no, I guess I don't have anyone. Thanks, for that. I'm always glad to be reminded of that." He stood up. "But in case you forget, everyone at this hospital hated me because of you and Owen. Except April, who has always been good friend to me."

"Nathan…" She didn't really know what she was trying to say anymore. It came out wrong and got all twisted. She didn't mean it as an insult. She only meant it in a way that she would be there for him. He walked away and she didn't bother to follow him.

Meredith could get that it sounded mean. She wasn't there because she had to be. She was there because she wanted to. He deserved to have someone on his side.

She sat there for too long before she finished up her patients for the day. She had no idea where Nathan went. She tried calling him but he didn't answer. She tried the chapel, the on call room, the emergency room, and went to the surgical board to see if he had a surgery. Nothing.

The last place she could think of was the bar across the street.

When she saw him sitting there she sat down next to him and ordered herself a drink. "I'm trying to be supportive but I find it difficult."

"You don't have to be here with this." He said. "I meant that. I really don't need your weird pity or whatever."

"I want to be." She said as she took a sip. "I didn't mean for it to come off the way it did. I'm here because I want to be, Nathan. I know loss. I know what it's like to have everyone gone from your life. Honestly?" She paused to take a very large gulp of her drink. "I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing and you bolt. I don't know if that's logical because you have always been here for me. You don't go anywhere and while I was once annoyed about it I'm grateful for the stability you bring. I needed that."

She was so unsteady after Derek and when it finally came time to let someone else into her life she couldn't take the back and forth. She pushed him away, sure, but out of a certain fear. Now that fear found her again. It was no secret to anyone she had some deep issues that would likely be there with her forever. He helped with some of them, though.

"You don't have many outbursts. With Derek I always knew what he was thinking. He let it be known. You're a lot more reserved." He didn't really snap at her all that often. Even back at the hospital he was calm as he spoke. He wasn't outwardly emotional. There was not going to be any sort of screaming match, that was for sure. "We're not in a good place."

"No, no we aren't." He whispered softly. His attention was focused on his drink. "Do you compare me and Derek?"

"Sometimes." She answered. "Do you compare me and Megan?"

"Sometimes." He replied. "You two don't have that many common threads, but I was also a different person back then so I don't think much on it."

"So was I."

The silence fell between them again as they sat as the two most miserable people in the bar. She ordered another drink for the hell of it.

"I know you mean well." He said after another moment. "I know you love me. I love you so much it terrifies me most of the time. I get what you were trying to say. I also know that I can be difficult to understand. You have to be in a certain mindset in order to survive out there and I think sometimes I haven't quite shaken it. Owen has always been like...that. Even from med school. That's his default personality. It's easier to be casual, but with you...there's never been a chance at that. You broke my system." A soft smile crept across his features. "And now everything is just crumbling around me and I need you, I want you, I don't know how to act. But I know I can't do this without you. So, yes, things are terrible between us right now. I know that."

She placed her hand over his. "They're not that bad."

"We're a million miles apart. We love each other and right now, that does have to be enough. It's all I can give you."

"I'll take it." She whispered, brushing her thumb over the back of his hand. "I will take anything you can give me right now."

Meredith followed Nathan through the halls of the hospital as they walked towards the room where his mother was. Amelia was there, too, along with his father.

"What is going on?" Nathan asked the moment he saw them.

"I'm going to go through with the surgery." Victoria said. "I think it's the right choice to make."

Amelia went through the risks of the surgery to make sure she understood. Nathan said nothing as she stood by his side. Her eyes periodically glanced over at him just to see. Right now love was enough to keep her standing there.

"Can I have a minute with my parents?" He asked quietly.

"We'll be in the hall." Meredith said, giving his hand a squeeze. She and Amelia walked out in the hall. The very nosy part of her wanted to know what he was saying, but the other part of her was glad to not be caught in the middle again.

"I can do this Meredith. I know I can."

"I never said you couldn't." She defended as she looked over at her. "You need to tell Nathan this not me."

"He's not going to listen to me."

"You want me to convince him?" Like that would actually go well all things considered. Giving her honest opinion was enough.

"No." She shook her head. "Yes."

"He's not going to stop the surgery if it's what she wants." Meredith assured her. "That you don't need to worry about."

Everything else she might need to but they were friendly while not being exceptionally close to one another so Meredith didn't think that anything was going to ruin anything forever. It's not like April was doing the surgery and if it went south it would send their friendship down the drain.

Owen came by and gave Amelia a kiss on the cheek with Teddy coming to stand by Meredith's side.

"How is he?" Owen asked as he looked at her.

Meredith looked back towards the door. It was still open but she was trying not to eavesdrop. "He's dealing."

After the bar the two of them went home and got pizza for the kids like he suggested. It was good. They had a fun night before they went to bed. It was still a little bit of an adjustment having him there all the time but she liked it. They still had moments when he would go back to his place so that it did feel like they could each have their space. He wasn't the same as before all of the tragedies hit him at once, but she was nowhere near the same girl she was as intern.

"She's going to go through with the surgery." Amelia explained.

"Even with all the risks?" Teddy asked.

Amelia gave a nod. "It's what the patient wants."

Nathan came out of the room just then. "What time is the surgery?"

"Ten tomorrow morning." Amelia answered. "It will probably be a long one."

"Okay." Nathan said before he turned down the hall without bothering to stop to talk to any of them.

"Nathan —" Meredith called out.

"I'm going back to drinking." He informed her before walking off.

Amelia looked at Meredith a certain concern on his face. "You should go talk to him."

"Leave him be." Teddy countered. "He never dealt with anything. It's coming to a head."

"And we're supposed to watch him?" Owen challenged as he looked at Teddy.

"I didn't say that."

"What are you saying?"

Teddy sighed. "I'm not going to argue about this, Owen."

"We're not arguing." Owen replied. "We can't let him destroy himself."

"You were pretty fine doing that before." Teddy countered effortlessly. "Or is he supposed to forget that?"

"Did he say something to you?"

Honestly, Meredith didn't miss watching Teddy and Owen bicker. Even if the topic was well meaning she probably thought it would be easier to walk off and make sure he was okay. Amelia watched them bicker before she looked at Meredith. All she could offer was a shrug as they tried to figure out the best way to help Nathan.

"You need to talk to him." Teddy finished after a few minutes of back and forth. "Apologize."

"Apologize for what?" Amelia was confused as she looked between them again.

Teddy didn't bother to answer Amelia and only kept staring at Owen.

"I said some hurtful things to him. I was grieving."

"So was he. So was I." She let out a sigh. "You are so blinded by your version of Megan you can't even see the truth right in front of you."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"She cheated on him, too." Meredith finally interjected into their little conversation. "He told me about it."

Teddy looked at Meredith with a certain surprise on her face before she turned to look at Owen. Amelia and Meredith also both focused on Owen. As if he was going to explode at any moment based off the information.

"What?" Owen could hardly believe it. "How would you know that? Or did you just base it off what he said?"

"It's true. He's never going to tell you." Teddy confirmed the information. "You cheated on Cristina. You don't get to use this when you're upset, Owen. Now his mom could die. The least you could do is bury the hatchet."

Owen had a pensive look on his face. "He never said anything."

"Would you have believe him?" Teddy asked with a raise of her eyebrow.

"No." Owen admitted with a frown. "I wouldn't have."

"Exactly."

"Who did she cheat with?" Amelia asked suddenly.

Meredith quietly slipped off from the conversation. She didn't need to know more and actually, she could sense the rise in tension between them. There was nothing outwardly tense happening between the three of them, but just Teddy's contradictory statements to what Amelia said and Owen lost in his conversation with Teddy said a lot of things.

Teddy and Owen always had something between them that would probably never go away unless they gave it a shot. She didn't think they ever would and she didn't want Amelia didn't caught in the crossfire. Just like she never wanted Cristina to get caught in the middle either. Somehow, she felt like she was back to when Teddy first showed up all over again.

Meredith waited an hour before she found herself at the bar. She set her car keys on the bar top as she took the stool next to him. "What drink number are you on?"

"One." He answered as he glanced over at her. "I've just been sitting here. I think she's doing it for my dad. Maybe some part of her wants the surgery but it's not me she is doing it for. There is no more time with me she's looking for."

She sat there and listened, sitting so she was facing him.

"She's a good doctor, but sometimes," he shook his head, "sometimes, she doesn't let herself be that. She's his wife before she's herself."

"I understand." She really did. When her and Derek were fighting about DC almost constantly it felt like she was always going to be Derek Shepherd's wife. His career always seemed more important while she was trying to find her feet as a general surgeon. Was it all in her head? She didn't know. Some of her concerns were valid, though. "It's easy to fall into that trap when you love someone."

"I really hope Shepherd pulls this off."

"She will. If she doesn't don't go drown yourself in the bay or put your hand in a body with a bomb or something."

Nathan smiled at her. "Not sure that's the way I'd go. Fish food? Not that appealing."

"How would you do it?"

"I don't know, which is probably a good sign. Means I'm not going to off myself when the next bad thing happens." He turned so that he was facing her.

"Bad things happen a lot around here."

"Yeah, I'm getting that." He took a sip of his drink. "But we had a good, happy run while it lasted."

"She'll be okay, Nathan."

"You can't promise me that. No one can."

He was right and promising that was something she would never do. That was the first rule of being a doctor. Never promise the patient anything, because if it didn't come true things could go real south, real quick. "I know you'll get through it. We'll get through it."

"No point in sulking alone when I know I'm just going to wind up at your house like I have been almost every single night."

"Kind of like you live there." She commented offhandedly.

"Are we living together?"

"You should at least have space for some stuff." Not completely move in. Not yet. Everything was fragile and a mess. She also wanted to really make sure the kids were receptive to him. They hadn't acted out and they liked having him there. Of course, Bailey and Ellis were too young to really grasp anything. Zola was touch and go sometimes. She could sense there was more she wanted to say, but she was good with Derek being gone. Much better than she'd ever been. But a drawer, some space in the closet, so when he did stay over it wasn't just a few things he'd left there. He could actually have his things. She was ready for that.

At least she thought she was.

She hadn't run yet, after all. She stayed there with Nathan as he crumbled to the ground and she really wanted him to be okay. She needed him to be okay. Losing someone else? Honestly. She didn't think she could do it. She loved him. Truly loved him. Maybe not in the big way she loved Derek, but she did love him. Things were far calmer. It wasn't like her entire body and soul were on fire. They had passion. Lots of it. But Derek's death changed her. She didn't think Nathan felt that different either. From what she knew Megan was his own Derek. That big passion.

Neither of them could probably survive that passion again.

"Are you offering me a drawer, Meredith?"

"Yes." She let herself give him a smile instead of kissing him like she wanted to. There was a lot of space between them still and she wanted him to be ready.

"Is it just because you feel bad I'm all sad lately? You've been very nice to me lately."

"I'm always nice to you."

"Most of the time." He teased her, leaning in a little closer. "If you're not ready it's okay."

"I am ready." She promised. "I like keeping you around."

"I'm going to watch the surgery tomorrow."

Meredith didn't need to be told that. "I already had my stuff rescheduled."

It was when his hand went to her thigh that she knew he appreciated all of it. They weren't talking in that clear and concise way where people talk out their issues. That wasn't them at the moment, but the little things between them...that she knew were because he appreciated her and everything that she brought him.

Everything else would fall in line.

When the morning of the surgery came she could see how on edge Nathan was. He looked as if he was going to explode from the inside out. He said very little. Even as they were in Victoria's room before she was going to get prepped for surgery he said so little. When someone came in to prep him for surgery all he said was that he was going to get some coffee and would meet her in the gallery later. Where Nathan actually went she wasn't sure.

"Can you give us a minute?" She asked the intern in the room. "I'm not asking. Give us five minutes."

"Nathan is avoiding me." Victoria looked at Meredith. "I know he is."

"I wouldn't put it like that."

"I would." She pointed at the chair. "Come sit."

Meredith took a seat. She wasn't sure exactly why she was there talking to her, but she was. Maybe she just wanted to know her a little bit before the surgery.

"How long have you and Nathan been together?"

"Uh, not that long." Honestly, the time frame escaped her. A lot of it was murky. They weren't dating but she wasn't dating anyone else. Did they have an official anniversary? Did she care if they had one specifically or not? She didn't really focus on one with Derek. "Around the holidays."

"He keeps me out. I don't blame him. I make some mistakes." She told her. "But now I could die and my son won't come see me."

"Things are difficult for him since Megan. Don't take it personally." Except it was personal. She knew that Nathan was avoiding his mom for very personal reasons. It just became an instinct to defend him against her. She didn't know the whole story but she didn't need to. She had a difficult mom. She got it.

"Because you haven't taken it personally?"

"I understand his pain." She leaned back in the chair. "With her and you. I have been in both situations. There's very little he could say to me that would shock me."

"You don't like me." Victoria noted.

"I don't know you."

"You think I did some terrible thing with Megan."

"I think you need to talk to him about this." Meredith offered. "After your surgery."

Truthfully, there was a lot more she wanted to say. She could sense there was a lot that Victoria wanted to say, as well. The way she was opening her mouth but only the most basic statements came out. She didn't think his mom should say anything that only came from a place of guilt. A place where she thought she was going to die so she needed to right her wrongs. That didn't seem like anything meaningful.

Except that things did change when someone died. She knew that. Things changed so much when Derek died she spent her entire pregnancy thinking about all of the things that she never said to him.

"He loves you. I can see it."

"I love him, too." She never thought she would say that after Derek but there she was...in love with another man that wasn't him. It almost seemed surreal. "But you need to come to peace with stuff between you two."

"After the surgery, then."

'What made you change your mind?" Meredith asked as she got up from the chair. "About having the surgery?"

"It will give me more time."

"That was true before." She pointed out. "The surgery was always going to give you more time, but you told Nathan you didn't want it."

"I was young when I got married and I don't know how to be without my husband." She said softly, looking up at Meredith. "I know what he wants and I think it's only right I give him this if it means we can spend more time together."

Meredith said nothing even if she could see how tied to him she was. In some ways, it reminded him of her mom with Richard. She was forever changed. She devoted herself to surgery and Meredith didn't often get along with her. Things were difficult. But she could also see the differences. The way they stood together while Richard went back to Adele. The age difference wasn't lost on her either. Except she had to stop drawing parallels in her mind.

Victoria wasn't Ellis.

They were different people and it was clear. Victoria cared in ways Ellis did not. She was nicer, which wasn't saying much. Her priorities were different. Lots of things were different. The main thing that seemed to be the same was the fractured bond and how she and Nathan both preferred to be a million miles away.

That was true for a lot of people, though. Lots of people ignored their parents for whatever reason. Even Cristina wasn't exactly close to her mom.

"I think the surgery is a good idea." She repeated.

Meredith thought she sounded like she was trying to convince herself it was the right choice. "Why did you make Nathan your power of attorney?"

"Nathan will understand in due time." She grabbed something off of the nightstand next to her bed. "I need you to give this to him if I don't survive. It explains more than I can say to his face."

"And if you do?"

"Then we have time to make up for." She offered the envelope out to her. "Please, Meredith."

Meredith took it from her. "I think he deserves to hear it from you."

"I didn't ask what you thought."

With that she turned and left the room. She let the intern prep her for surgery and walked up to the gallery where she saw him sitting. It was just them. Quiet and empty. She took a seat next to him as she still held the letter in her hand. "Your mom wanted me to give this to you if she dies."

"So, why are you giving it to me now?" He asked but took it from her.

"Because I think it's stupid to wait until she's dead."

They watched the surgery as he held onto the envelope in his hand with an iron grip. As if a sudden gust of wind was going to come on by and make it so the entire thing was going to blow away never to be read.

April came by and sat in the seat behind them. "How's it going?"

"She just reached the tumor." Meredith told her when Nathan chose not to say anything at all.

"How is he?" She then asked softly.

"I'm right here." Nathan piped up as he didn't take his focus off the surgery.

"How are you?" April corrected herself.

"I'm fine." He answered as he finally put the envelope on the chair next to him. "Did you talk to Jackson?"

"Yes." She said softly. "I'm going to move out for a while."

"I'm sorry, Keps."

Meredith did clearly miss their budding friendship but he never really talked to her about April. Just as she didn't really talk to him about Alex or anything. There was some stuff with Jo, but mostly they each kept to themselves. Granted Alex didn't care too much for him and she'd never been super close to April.

"You have bigger problems than my lack of love life." She said as she put her hand on his shoulder.

Nathan put his hand over hers. "It's a good distraction. Otherwise I'll just think about something terrible happening and I'm all out of that."

"I have to go." April said as her pager went off. "I'll come check on you later."

When April left the room Nathan picked the letter back up. "We sat in the chapel for a while. I don't know what I was looking for, but April came down and we talked. She's still in love with Jackson and I suspect he's not in love with her if she's moving out."

"You two really bonded in Jordan."

"We did." He nodded. "She told me about Jackson, Samuel, everything. I told her about Megan. Trauma bonding, I guess. I should read this." He opened it up and unfolded the long letter.

Another silence fell between them as he held the open letter but looked up to focus on the surgery.

"Just rip off the band aid." He whispered to himself more than anything. I can do that.

Dearest Nathaniel,

I know you and I have our differences. When I was 17 and found out I was pregnant with you there was nothing but terror in my heart. Terror into what would become of my life, what I was giving up, and what would end up happening. I had you and no regret comes from it. I didn't know what to do so I married your father. From then on my entire life revolved around a man that I should have never slept with in the first place. I know that now. Hindsight gives you everything. He was my first everything, my last, my love. I turned into my mother as you turned into me. I said things meant to hurt, to put a wedge between us, as you fought your own way to live your own life in the way you saw fit. You have always made sound decisions, even in your grave mistakes. I know I should have been there for you when you needed me most. I know that now. I wish I learned that then.

You and your father have never gotten along. You never see eye to eye. You have our best traits and I see how much you fought to not be him. There are many things you will never forgive me for and I can only hope you can find it to forgive me."

Meredith hadn't expected for him to read the letter aloud but as he did all she did was sit there and listen to the words that came off the page.

"I wish I was stronger to have this conversation to your face. Instead I place the burden upon you to live with this as I am gone. I know you will be okay. I see how you have survived after Megan as we did nothing to help you through it. There's so much I want you for you and so much I want to say. Even now, I can barely find the right words to say.

I need you to know that I love you. I have always loved you more than words can express. You are my only child, my son, the man that has survived war, loss, and everything else. I blamed Megan for a lot of what happened between us and I know, deep down I know, it was my own doing. She was kind and I was cruel.

I love you, Nathan."

Meredith rested her chin on his shoulder, peering over at the letter as he read it, being there for him as it seemed to go on. She could sense there was still a lot that was left unsaid.

"I think she's trying to seek forgiveness," Nathan said, "in this mess of words that are all jumbled."

"Medicine was the only thing I ever had for myself. Even you were something I had to share with a man who only cared about his own betterment. He loved you, in his own way. As I love you in my own way. We are not the parents you deserve and I'm sorry that we have never been there for you. Megan was free in ways I was not. She could be anyone she wanted. She bossed you around and you never had a second thought about some of the things she said. I liked her, sometimes. I still think you could have done better but I can see why her spirit would appeal to you when you came from us.

Meredith seems nice. Guarded, but nice. I have only spent a few minutes with her but she is by your side. You look at her and she looks at you and I can see how much I have missed. She's not loud and aggressive the way Megan was. She would never tell me to go fuck myself at my own table in the way Megan did, but I also know you would never freely leave us alone either. You made that mistake once and ever since you were a little boy you proved to learn from your mistakes.

You never make the same mistake twice.

This letter doesn't make much sense, I know. They are all jumbled thoughts I need to get down before it kills me. I also know that this sounds like a letter where I blame your father. He loved me, in his unique way. He loves you in ways you will never understand. We wanted to be better for you but we are simply humans with our mistakes. Don't blame your father for this.

I am doing this for him. I am doing this because he asked until I said yes. It's the way it has always been. He asks and asks and asks until I do what he wants. I am not a strong of a woman as I am a doctor. I let myself stay with a man who has always had obvious issues and for that, I am sorry.

I want you to be happy. I don't know what that looks like since I have not dared to be in your life, but it is the one thing you deserve.

I'm leaving everything to you. Don't worry. The estate is handled and the lawyer will know what to do. Your father will be angry. Let him be.

I know I shouldn't leave you to deal with that burden but I am. My one last sinful act before you both find peace in my death.

I gave you my research and I know it's a lot to ask for you to continue it. I am asking anyway. If you don't want to I won't be mad. You do need to do more with your career, Nathan. I know you don't want to hear that, but it's what I think. You've done good research in the past but you let the loss cloud yourself. You're an excellent surgeon but I need you to be greater than this. For me, to know I haven't completely failed as your mother."

"Your mother is very wordy for someone who says a whole lot of nothing.

Love,
Your Mother."

"I know." Nathan said as he folded the letter back up. "I'll guess she hates my dad and trying to screw him at every chance. Even if she's doing this for him. I don't know, actually. I really don't. Not like she's giving me anything out of a kindness. I'm not blind to all they've done for me by paying for my schooling and stuff, but I don't know. It's not as...rough as your parents."

"We all have problems."

"Yeah, I guess." He nodded. "Do you ever wish that Ellis Grey wasn't your mother?"

"Sometimes. I mean, it would have been nice to have happy, healthy parents who supported me with whatever I wanted. I ended up understanding her, though. She did the best she could with what she had."

Nathan let out a soft sigh. "They wouldn't have cared what I did, but now that I'm a surgeon it's like I have to do things. I don't care about awards. They are meaningless. Plenty of doctors do great things that will never be awarded or written about in medical journals or recognized as true greatness. I became a surgeon to help people."

"Guess you don't care you can't win a Harper Avery here."

"No, I don't." He looked at her. "You do, though."

"I don't. I do but I don't." She admitted. Winning one would have been nice, but she understood why she wouldn't win one. Cristina left because of it. "I'm not going to worry about it."

Another silence fell between the pair of them as they watched the surgery. They didn't move as she worked on getting the tumor out. Periodically, she glanced over at him to check on him but he never dared to take his eyes off what she was doing.

"She almost has the tumor."

Suddenly, Nathan stood up. "I don't want to watch the end."

"Why not?" She asked with furrowed brows.

"I just can't, Mer."