A/N - Oh dear...I can't believe it's been like a month since the last chapter. I never do that! I hope someone somewhere still remembers this story and wants to read this. Sorry for the stupidly long delay and thank you for waiting so patiently. It probably needs another edit but then who knows when it would get posted!

~o0 Epilogue 0o~

When the world's crashing down, And you can not bear the cross...

Flashback - Christmas 5 years ago

Chandler stood by his bed, the four walls of his bedroom feeling like they were closing in on him a little more each day. Despite the guilt weighing heavily on his shoulders, he couldn't wait now to just leave, to run away and never have to spend another lonely distressing night here. He surveyed the bland room, his eyes running over the bare walls, sparse shelves and furniture tops, mentally calculating what else he had to pack and how much he needed to leave out on display to keep the pretense up just that little bit longer.

There was one more night to go, one more night of hell to try and survive.

Grabbing a sweater from the back of his chair, he stuffed it into the open suitcase that sat on his bed. Satisified that he'd packed all that he could get away with for tonight, he zipped it up about to hide it when he heard the apartment door open. Panicked, he hurriedly stashed it under the bed, kicking it as far as it would go and straightening up just in time as his bedroom door swung open.

"There you are," Monica offered him a gorgeous smile. He was going to miss it, he was sure of that; he suspected despite his best efforts not to, that he would be haunted by that lovely smile for years to come.

"You found me," he quipped, although there was no humor in his voice, no light in his sunken eyes, he was barely holding it together now but he had to; he had to hold onto this crappy reality for just a little longer.

It was almost time.

"We're about to do presents."

"Already?" he frowned. He wasn't in the mood for presents. Wasn't in the mood for company, for people...for life.

"Yeah, well if you think the four of us are off to Long Island tomorrow that only leaves you and Phoebe, not much of a celebration given that neither of you eat turkey."

"Oh yeah, you're, uh all going to your folks for Christmas, Kip too, I'd, er forgotten about that," he lied badly fumbling over his words and she frowned at him, a famliar look on her face as of late.

"Are you ok?" she asked softly, her wonderfully blue eyes full of concern.

Her hand reached out, no doubt intent on a comforting touch to his arm but he took a hasty step back managing to avoid her.

"I'm fine, just tired and grouchy," he dismissed somewhat apologetically.

"What about the other 5 dwarfs?" she grinned and he tried to mimic the action although it was an effort.

"Those too," he shrugged.

She was still staring at him, trying to figure him out and he shifted uncomfortably, she was always the one it was hardest to hide it from but he had no choice. He had to hide this from her, she couldn't find out the truth; she couldn't find out anything until he'd left.

Gone.

Abandoned them all...

"You sure I can't help with anything?"

He almost hated that she cared for him so much.

"I'm fine, I-"

"Hey!" Kip bounced through the open bedroom door, saving Chandler from having to make up any more awkward lies. "There you guys are. You finally managed to drag him out of his room?" he teased, his arm casually slipping around Monica's waist pulling her to him. Chandler looked away, still hating the casualness of their interactions and how much he was still impacted by it. "I swear you've been packing for hours, how long are you staying with your mom for?"

"I was, uh wrapping presents." He lied quickly.

"This late?" Monica shook her head, "Have I taught you nothing, Bing?"

"At least I bought them on time," he muttered.

In reality it hadn't been a hard Christmas shop this year. One present. One pathetic present for his secret santa, which ironically turned out to be Kip. What did you buy the lucky bastard that already had everything you wanted?

He wasn't even going to see his mom this holiday, it was all a ruse to get him to Tulsa, where no one waited for presents. No one was waiting period. No concerned gazes, no thoughtful looks...no friends.

He'd be alone.

"Oh Chandler, I keep forgetting to ask," Monica started, still contently leaning back against her boyfriend's chest. "Are you bringing a date to the New Year's party?"

He blinked, ripping his thoughts away from his new life in Tulsa and trying to focus on the last few remaining hours of his old life. Just one more night and then he'd be free of the chains that still held him here.

"Chandler?"

"Huh?"

"Do you need a plus one?" she repeated, frowning yet again.

"What?" he blinked, directing his gaze onto her worried face.

"Are you sure you're alright?"

He didn't deserve her constant concern; if only she knew what he was planning.

"Uh," he shook his head trying to clear it and get his act together. He was too close to breakdown and ruin it now.

"You didn't bake any of Phoebe's 'special' mince pies, did you?" Kip laughed, his arms still holding Monica.

He tried to fake a smile but wasn't able to hold it for long. Everything was taking so much more effort. He couldn't wait to not have to be around them any more, to not have to fake the smiles and mask the constant pain he felt.

"You know Mon's the chief of the group, always will be," he murmured.

"Thank you, but New Year?" she prompted. "Are you seeing it in with a date by your side? I need to know numbers."

Oh.

"Uh..."

"You need someone to kiss at midnight, buddy," Kip informed him, as if he wasn't aware of the stupid tradition, "I've got mine in the bag, right babe?" he chuckled, before leaning down and kissing her.

He watched as his roommate's lips softly pressed against hers. Watched with a sharp pain in his chest as her lips curved into a beautiful smile afterwards as they stared at each other before leaning in again. Did they really have to do that in here? This was his only private space, somewhere that was meant to be his solace

"No date, I'll uh take my chances," he swallowed looking away.

It was weird to think he didn't know where he'd be for New Year. Would he stay alone in his hotel room, being eaten by guilt and worrying about what he'd left behind? Or would he be trying to forget everything and attempting to make a new life for himself, going to some Tulscan night club and seeing in the New Year with hope, a fresh start?

That's all he needed. A fresh start.

"Hey, what are you all doing over here?" Ross asked as he came to the doorway, taking in the small crowd. "Don't tell me you're actually letting the boys host this preChristmas shindig?"

"Hell, no!" Monica laughed, tugging Kip's hand. "Where's Carol?"

Chandler looked once more around his room, his gaze landing briefly on his bed and the concealed suitcase hidden underneath, before he sighed heavily and trailed along behind, half-listening as Ross prattled on about his wife's whereabouts. He didn't care. His mind was too preoccupied with the fact that this would be the last evening they all spent together.

Ever.

He was actually going to run, escape from this nightmare...he was actually going to do this.

He had his plane tickets and hotel reservations hidden in his bedside cabinet as proof this was real; he had his new boss waiting for him on Monday, thrilled that he had volunteered to work over the holidays. Everything was all planned out; he was committed.

There was no backing out now.

Despite the familiar numbness, he briefly contemplated whether he was making the right choice. They were all sat around the seating area, Phoebe crossed legged on the floor singing some random made up carol, Ross whining about his own Carol, Kip and Monica all snuggled up on the couch, giggling with each other. The Christmas tree perfectly decorated so carefully by Monica was set up in the window just like it was every year, creating the perfect backdrop to this perfect setting.

If only he could feel a part of it. He didn't. He felt detached, his heart already too broken and abused and he knew for sure he didn't belong here any more.

He had no choice.

His decision was made.

God, he felt like a traitor, a fake. Sitting with them, pretending to laugh and smile and care. They trusted him and he was going to betray them all tomorrow. He felt like Judas; he was scum and soon they'd all know.

"Earth to Chandler!" Phoebe laughed and he blinked looking over to her.

"Huh?" he hoped his voice didn't sound as detached from reality as he felt right now.

He just had to keep it together for one more night, he could do this.

"Your present?" Phoebe frowned, holding out the neatly wrapped gift.

"Oh," he blinked again slowly focussing on the offered present that she was waving in front of him.

"You ok?" she asked, her concerned frown deepening, the gift faltering slightly.

Crap, he didn't need any more questions, especially not infront of everyone. Like Monica, he knew Phoebe suspected something was seriously wrong but as usual he forced himself to lie to her. It would be better in the long run.

"Yeh, sorry, I'm good," he tried to dismiss casually as he reached for the package, taking it from her. "Just a little tired."

"I didn't get much sleep either last night," Kip laughed as Monica sushed and whacked him playfully.

He faked a hint of a smile but knew it looked more like a grimace and just hoped no one was paying him any attention. He really wished he wasn't here, wished he wasn't having to watch them flirt together all evening. Why hadn't he left yesterday? Just uped and left in the cover of the night instead of having to wait for them to go away, drawing the torture out.

"You gonna open it?" Ross prompted.

Chandler blinked in surprise, noticing with a wince that everyone was staring at him; his eyes quickly darted to the gift he had forgotten he was holding.

"Yeah sure," he muttered, slightly embarrassed.

"You must be really tired," Ross observed. "Maybe you're coming down with something?"

He ignored him, desperate to just open the damn thing, try to fake a smile and then have the attention move off him. With shaking fingers it took Chandler several attempts to tear into paper, revealing a small photo frame. Pulling it out completely he studied it further and he swallowed, the ever-present knife in his chest twisting painfully.

It was a picture of the whole gang, one taken months ago before his world had started to crumble, before the catalyst of him having to leave had started. It captured their naïve happy faces. Their innocence in youth.

Did the others somehow know?

Were they mocking him with this or calling his bluff?

He felt the glossy eyes behind the glass staring at him, glaring accusingly as if they knew too. He felt hot, his throat tight and dry as he tried to swallow.

"Do you like it?" Monica asked, eager to please as always.

"It's, uh it's great...t-thanks," he stammered, not even looking up at her, instead his eyes stay fixed on the photo, telling himself it was all in his head, his crazy mixed up imagination.

No one knew his dirty little secret.

It was just a photo of better times, much better times. He couldn't believe how much happier and healthier his younger self looked, so carefree and relaxed. Had he ever really felt like that? It was hard to imagine now. How had it all changed so quickly? How had it all fallen apart so horribly?

"I thought it might help cheer you up," Monica commented, "I know you see us all the time but maybe you could put it on your desk at work?"

He wouldn't. He wasn't even sure if he'd take it with him or leave it behind with the rest of the memories of this life. An unwanted souvenir.

"Thanks," he muttered.

"Aw, that's an awesome present, baby," Kip praised her, leaning down to kiss her, making her beam with happiness at the praise.

Whilst it killed him to see them like that Chandler tried to smile, tried to be pleased that Monica was at least happy and getting her all time Christmas wish of her happily ever after. Her boyfriend, her future husband, the guy that would give her the children and white picket fence that she used to tell him about in their late night college confessions. Even back then he knew he was in love with her but also knew she was out of his league. If only he'd known then just how much those feelings would ruin his life, ruin everything.

God, he was going to miss her, miss all of them but it would be her he missed the most. But she was happy and above everything that's what was important. He was setting her free, letting her live the life she wanted without him confining her, stifling her and one day confessing everything and destroying it all anyway.

No, they'd be better off without him.

Maybe one day she'd even thank him.

He sat through the rest of the evening feeling more detached than ever. A numbness slowly spread through his body as he distanced himself from his former friends. Occasionally he'd smile or nod but his mind was already planning what was left to arrange and pack for Tulsa. It was only when people started to say goodbye that he jolted back to the present.

On auto-pilot he hugged each goodnight, wishing them a merry Christmas. He watched in slow motion as one-by-one they waved and walked out, realizing in a surreal haze that he wasn't entirely sure who he'd see tomorrow morning before he left. That this might be the last time he ever saw them. It was strange.

He should have cared more, he knew he should but he just couldn't. The numbness, the cold that had spread through his veins throughout the evening was his mind's way of protecting him, to stop him feeling the full brunt of the hurt...a survival tactic. If he allowed himself to think, to feel then he would crumble. No, he had to hold on to the coldness, just for one more lonely night.

Monica and Kip declared they were staying at hers and letting his eyes linger on her longer than he probably should he numbly walked across the hall by himself, entering the cold apartment. It was quite fitting that he would be alone here on his last night, it was probably good practice for the future and the empty hotel room that awaited his arrival tomorrow.

At least by himself he could finish everything in private. He could stay up all night finalizing things, emptying drawers and packing up his old life without having to worry about any noise he might make. He wouldn't have to answer any questions if any tears managed to break through and wouldn't have to hide any of his twisted emotions.

He was going to do this.

He was going to leave all this behind him.

Life would eventually get better.

It had to.

With a heavy sigh he dumped the photo frame onto the kitchen counter, once again feeling the eyes of every face in the photo staring at him, accusing him, blaming him. They didn't understand. He had to do this. He had no choice.

His gaze fell onto the image of Monica, taking in every detail of her beautiful happy printed face.

"I'm sorry," he whispered to her, his voice seeming loud in the empty apartment.

Knowing no reply was coming he hung his head, taking a few deep breaths, readying himself for what he had to do this evening. He turned to head to his room then paused. Slowly he reached out his hand, grasping the frame, he debated for just a second whether he should take it with him but even without looking at it he could feel their anger burning into him.

He had enough guilt.

With trembling hands he turned it face down onto the countertop then moved swiftly into his room without looking back.

I said baby you're not lost

Christmas 5 Years Later

Chandler stood alone in his bedroom beside his bed, where his suitcase laid open and half-packed. His eyes scanned the room, mentally calculating what else he had to pack and how much he needed to leave out to keep the pretense up that little bit longer.

Just one more night to go...and he couldn't wait.

His eyes involuntarily landed on the photo frame that Monica had surprised him with as a housewarming gift; it sat proudly on his chest of drawers. Behind the 'polished to Monica standard glass' was a picture of the newly formed group. The six of them were pulling silly faces, laughing and smiling at the camera. His arm looked at home around Monica's shoulders and she in turn was casually leaning back against him like she belonged there.

She did.

Forcing himself to refocus on the task at hand, he grabbed a sweater from the back of his chair, stuffing it into the open suitcase. Satisified that he'd packed all that he could get away with for tonight, he zipped it up about to hide it when he heard the apartment door open. Panicked, he hurriedly stashed it under the bed, kicking it as far as it would go and straightening up just in time as his bedroom door swung open.

"There you are," Monica offered him that gorgeous smile he loved so much and he automatically returned it.

"You found me," he quipped, opening his arms as she naturally stepped into his personal space, slipping her arms around his waist as they embraced.

"I'm rounding up people for presents and stuff."

"Already?" he asked surprised, his eyebrows going up to his hairline.

He had hoped for a bit more time to get things ready.

"Yeah, well Ross and Rachel are leaving to see her mom tomorrow, so it's best we start things now as they'll wanna head to bed early."

"Now that sounds like a damn good plan to me," he chuckled, his eyes creasing in the corners, pleased that Ross and Rachel had gotten back together and were obviously happy. Despite everyone warning him that they had a somewhat volatile relationship, they were still together and seemed to work well; he hoped that this time was for good.

"What exactly are you suggesting, Mr Bing?" she asked coyly, her face moving closer to his, tilting upwards in anticipation.

"Well, maybe we should follow suit and get an early night ourselves?" he murmured, closing the gap between them, touching his lips to hers.

Chandler still savored the feel of kissing her, his arms automatically pulling her slender body closer against his. He still couldn't quite belive that she was his girlfriend; that he was dating Monica Geller and that he could kiss her and hold her pretty much any time he liked...as well as doing other things. As the kiss intensified, Chandler was about to suggest that they put the presents on hold so maybe they could go do some of those 'other things' when he heard the apartment door open.

Damn.

"Hey!" Joey called loudly, walking into apartment 19 causing Chandler to groan in protest against her lips.

Monica just chuckled at him, pulling away from their embrace but taking hold of his hand, giving it a little sympathetic squeeze before dragging him out into the living room.

"Hi," she greeted cheerily as Chandler muttered something that vaguely resembled a disgruntled hello to his roommate.

After a couple of weeks of rejoining the gang, Joey had been the one to suggest that Chandler move back into apartment 19 and he had jumped at the chance. It was great to be living back across the hall from Monica, great being part of the group and having close friends again that surrounded him. Plus, a huge bonus was that his initial instincts about Joey had turned out to be right and they'd become awesome friends almost instantly.

"What're you guys up to?" he asked with a knowing smirk as he approached them.

As he neared Chandler could see what looked like a bucket of chicken in his hands and he pulled a disgusted face remembering a few weeks ago when he'd walked in on Joey, several buckets of chicken and the fast food lady. He shuddered.

"Is that chicken?" Monica protested, coming closer to inspect the bucket of fried food. "Joey! I've cooked a preChristmas dinner! There's tons of food waiting to be eaten across the hall. You can't eat an entire chicken as well."

"Don't worry it won't be wasted," he easily reassured her, waving a chicken leg in the air confidently to somehow demonstrate his point, "I'm a Tribianni, this is what we do. I promise I'll have room for both chicken and your feast. Any leftovers I can eat tomorrow after you've all gone..."

Monica's brow creased in confusion.

Joey's eyes widened in panic.

Chandler's face screwed up in annoyance.

Damn it. So close.

"Gone where? What are you talking about?" she turned her perplexed face to Chandler who managed to change his expression just in time to mirror her confusion. "We aren't going anywhere."

"I uh..." Joey faltered, his eyes shooting to his roommate and once again Chandler had to wonder just how a man that couldn't remotely think on his feet or lie could act for a living.

"He probably just means Ross and Rachel," Chandler stepped in, shrugging for good measure. "Now let's go open those presents and start on that mountain of food."

Monica's expression was still slightly suspicious but she reluctantly accepted the lame excuse, obviously more excited to get the festivities started; she'd been talking about it for weeks. As she headed for the door, Chandler threw Joey an incredulous glare who shrugged apologetically. Shaking his head Chandler followed Monica across the hall into apartment 20.

They ate a lovely homemade meal around the table, Monica having cooked him his favorite festive meal of mac and cheese with the compulsory chopped up hotdogs. They'd sat together and throughout the meal there had been constant little touches to his knee, thigh and shoulder or a gentle ruffling of his hair. And he had returned as many of them as he could, loving being able to be close to her and being casually affectionate with her.

No one had ever made him feel this content and loved.

Eventually, groaning at how full they all were the group stumbled into the living area. Ross and Rachel sat cuddled up on the couch, Joey and Phoebe sat crossed legged on the floor singing some random made up carol and himself and Monica snuggled contently on the oversized chair, occasionally laughing at their friends antics.

The perfect Christmas tree was set up in the window, creating the perfect backdrop to this perfect setting and Chandler tried to commit it all to memory. Tried to use it to replace that memory of the last Christmas he had spent with them in this apartment. He couldn't believe just how much life had changed. That for the first time in a long time he actually felt truly happy, happy and ever so grateful to be a part of this amazing, even if somewhat unconventional group.

"Ok, people," Phoebe interrupted his thoughts, "I need a lyric to rhyme with 'Help yourself to Christmas Cake.' Go."

Joey tapped his chin in thought for a moment before offering, "And then take Joey on a date?"

Phoebe shook her head.

"Then take me sales shopping, for goodness sake?" Rachel suggested.

Phoebe pulled a face whilst Ross patted her shoulder in comfort, "It was a good effort," he praised.

"Oh, how about, 'Which took hours to bake?'" Monica tried but again it was rejected.

They all looked to Chandler expectantly who rolled his eyes, secretly pleased that they welcomed his quickwit and humor...even though it had taken Joey and Rachel a while to get it.

"Um...Hey kids, guess what? Santa is a big fat fake?" he offered with his usual sarcasm. "Then you could finish with merry Christmas and play some bell things."

Monica laughed beside him which warmed his heart. He looked down at her, his sparkling eyes meeting hers as he pulled her closer to him, enjoying relaxing like this.

"Oh you," Phoebe grinned, before staring at him, causing him to frown slightly.

"What?" he questioned, a little uncomfortable, his relaxing being postponed.

"I'm so glad you're back this Christmas," she declared quietly. "It feels...right."

He blinked surprised.

"It's the first Christmas I've seen Monica actually enjoy," Rachel pointed out.

His heart panged slightly as he automatically tightened his arms around her, silently vowing not to hurt her like that again.

"It's so nice everyone being together," Joey added with his large trademark smile.

"Yeah, you know, it finally feels like Christmas again," Ross agreed.

Wow. As much as he was loving this Christmas he hadn't realized how much it had meant to the others.

"Well obviously I add to the Christmas atmosphere, what with my festive spirit and all," he quipped, deflecting his embarrassment with humor. "Remind me next year to get a santa suit to really take it up to the next level."

As the others chuckled, Monica shifted slightly, her lips coming up to his ear.

"We should definitely get you a santa suit," she whispered, her breath tickling his sensitive skin.

He swallowed, looking at her.

"Santa? Really?"

"Oh yeah," she nodded throwing him a very promising seductive look. If only he had known earlier.

"Next year it is."

"I'll hold you to that," she grinned.

Letting out a contented sigh, he rested his head against hers for a moment just holding her and marvelling at how much everything really had changed since that fated Christmas all that time ago. That he was here flirting with Monica. Here bantering with the others. That he was making plans for next year. Next year here with them, with her.

He wondered if he could ever feel as good as he did right now.

"Earth to Chandler!" Phoebe laughed and he blinked looking over to her.

"Huh?" he asked, not realizing how much he'd zoned out. He grinned good-naturedly as Monica poked him teasingly in the ribs murmuring something about him being a goofball.

"We're gonna do presents," Phoebe repeated.

"Right, sure."

Presents were exchanged amongst themselves and Chandler had to hide his grin as Monica opened hers.

"A duster?"

"It's a good one right?" he teased, aware of the others trying not to laugh, they were all in on it.

"Uh...yeah."

He could hear the disappointment she tried to hide but knew it would all be worth it.

He just had to wait a little longer.

"You haven't got one like that," Rachel pointed out, biting back her own grin.

"And cleaning is your favorite hobby," Phoebe praised, "he knows you so well, he's a keeper."

"Yeah, he's great." It was said as if she was trying to remind herself of that fact, so he tightened his arm around her and kissed the top of her head wishing the evening would hurry up and finish.

Finally it was time for the group to say goodnight and festive hugs and well wishes were exchanged by all. Phoebe and Joey left and Ross and Rachel retreated to her room leaving them alone. Monica started to tidy away but Chandler stopped her, his arms sliding around her waist from behind.

"Leave it," he whispered. "We can clean it all tomorrow...it will give you something to look forward to."

She chuckled leaning back into his embrace, "Maybe it will give me a chance to use my new duster," she said lightly.

It was his turn to chuckle and she felt the rumbles vibrate through her.

"What if I told you that wasn't your real present?" he confessed softly in her ear, delighting as she shivered.

"What do you mean?" she asked confused, turning to face him. "Chandler?"

Remaining silent he just smiled cheeklily, his eyes sparkling as he took her hand and led her wordlessly to the door. He pulled her across the hall into his apartment, still not releasing her hand as they made it into his bedroom.

"What are you up to?" she asked looking around for any clues but everything was in its usual place.

"Mon," he wet his lips as he turned to face her, "I know when I left I ruined a lot of things and the others have told me how it ruined the holidays for you, a horrible reminder of coming home to find me gone. I never meant to do that especially knowing how much you've always loved Christmas despite the whole Jewish thing," a corner of his mouth curved up as he met her eyes. "So, for our first Christmas together I wanted to give you a Christmas that you'll always remember for the right reasons, something that will make it special."

She remained silent, nodding to indicate he should continue.

"This uh, this isn't a proposal or anything," he clarified quickly, "I think that would be rushing things and I'm loving where we are with this relationship and I don't wanna do anything to risk what we have. Maybe one Christmas in the future, when we're ready I might think about..." he shrugged a little panicked that his mouth was snowballing out of control and ruining this but she just smiled fondly rubbing his arm in comfort.

"Ok," he nodded relieved they were on the same page. "So for this Christmas..." he walked over to his bedside cabinet pulling open the small drawer. Briefly a flash of a memory came to his mind from that Christmas 5 years ago when he had come back from apartment 20 to the other tickets that had sat burning a hole in his bedside cabinet. But this was different. They were different. "Here," he said softly, handing her the small envelope.

She looked at him before she carefully opened it.

Plane tickets.

Hotel tickets.

"Paris!" she exclaimed excitedly, gobsmacked her eyes huge. "Oh my god, I-"

"We leave tomorrow, after we've cleaned," he grinned loving how eager she was, "If you wanna go that is?"

"Are you kidding me? It's...I mean...I... Thank you Chandler!"

He pulled her to him, his arms wrapping securely around her waist.

"I know you've always wanted to go and I wanted us to create some new memories," he told her softly. "Christmas was never the best time for me either, so hopefully this way we can change it for both of us with a nice romantic trip together."

"It's perfect, like you," she promised, kissing him deeply.

He knew he was far from perfect but didn't feel obliged to correct her as he returned her kiss, groaning as it became passionate fast. The tickets fell to the floor forgotten as they tumbled onto the bed, clothes disappearing quickly as they cherished the feel of skin against skin, reassuring each other that this was real, that this bond, this connection that was almost lost between them was really happening. As her joy filled the room Chandler couldn't believe how much had changed from 5 years ago.

It had been a tough and horrible journey but somehow they'd made it. By some miracle they were back together, in love and as clichéd as it all was he wouldn't change anything for the world.

He was no longer lost.

He had found his way home.

The End

A/N- thank you soooo much for all the reviews and PMs with this one. It was great to hear all your thoughts and comments along the way.

It's weird that this one is actually over and I hoped you enjoyed it despite the unplanned delay :o)

The chapter titles are from Michael Buble's song 'Lost'. This wasn't the intended song as originally I thought it would follow songs like 'Because of you' by Kelly Clarkson and I listened to that a lot when I started writing this to get in the mood. But then after all the angst Mondler reconciled (of course) and that song no longer worked. I started hunting around with no success and then Lost randomly popped into my head and just seemed to fit it perfectly (chapter 8 was just irony - sorry I remember someone asking at the time but can't remember if I replied!). Plus I love a bit of the Buble-meister so it was a win-win situation.

Anyhow, as it's past midnight here I'll stop my nonsense rambling! Thanks again for reading this and I'd love a final review to hear your thoughts.