Honestly, there were many times Roy seriously had to doubt his own ears. Surely he didn't just hear…whatever he heard one of them say.
How did Wally and Dick even come up with this stuff? He supposed the scariest part was, they didn't even try.
It always just… happened.
On a painfully regular basis.
Example 1:
Scenario - Morning after sleepover at Roy's apartment.
The idiot who said it - Wally
Who he said it to - Dick
What was said - "Did we get in an argument yesterday because you called me a dorito slut or was that a dream I had?"
Roy's insight - …it wasn't a dream.
Example 2:
Scenario - In Roy's piece of crap car
The idiot who said it - Dick
Who he said it to - Wally
What was said - "If I ever die I am going to haunt my school so that the jackasses learn the true meaning of karma. Stepping on the heels of their shoes, jamming their locker; I'd be an awesome ghost.
Roy's insight - ….if?
Example 3:
Scenario - Roy's kitchen
The idiot who said it - Dick
Who he said it to - Roy (who had simply asked for a spoon)
What was said - "Not now Roy, we're having a moment!"
Roy's insight - 'not a couple' my ass.
Example 4:
Scenario - Teriyaki place down the street
The idiot who said it - Wally
Who he said it to - Dick
What was said - "Did you notice that omelet and vomit rhyme?"
Roy's insight - just….why.
Example 5:
Scenario - Roy's bedroom (at 3 fricking am)
The idiot who said (yelled) it - Dick
Who he said it to - Roy
What was said - "Roy, its opposite day and Wally won't let me break up with him!"
Roy's insight - Deep breathes, count to ten.
Example 6:
Scenario - Roy's living room
The idiot who said it - Wally
Who he said it to - Roy
What was said - "I was not crying at Bambi, it was Dumbo; that sh*t is sad."
Roy's insight - he cried at both.
Example 7: Scenario - Roy's crappy car (again)
The idiot who said it - Dick
Who he said it to - Wally
What was said - "Sorry dude, but just - no. My tarzan yell is way better than yours."
Roy's insight - they both suck.
Example 8: Scenario - Roy's apartment
The idiot who said it - Dick
Who he said it to - Roy (as he walked in the front door)
What was said - "Hey Roy do you have caller ID cause we've been prank calling from your landline for about an hour and I dunno but I think the cop that just pulled up might be headed to this floor…"
Roy's insight - FML.
Example 9: Scenario - Blockbuster video
The idiot who said it - Wally
Who he said it to - anyone who was in listening range What was said (sung) - "George, George, George of the jungle, watch out for that tree! How did you not see that big ass tree?!"
Roy's insight - why were they even HERE.
Example 10: Scenario - Star City Mall
The idiot who said it - Wally
Who he said it to - Dick
What was said - "You're either hitting on me or you're going to hit me I honestly can't tell and its making me kinda nervous."
Roy's insight - yes.
Example 11: Scenario - Roy's apartment
The idiot who said it - Dick
Who he said it to - Wally
What was said - "Hang on, let me ask the magic conch shell if I give a sh*t;"
Roy's insight - the answer was "No."
Example 12: Scenario - Burger King
The idiot who said it - Wally
Who he said it to - Roy
What was said - "But why does HE get the burger king crown?! He's already got a metaphorical one!"
Roy's insight - don't look at me I don't know EITHER OF THEM
Example 13: Scenario - Roy's piece of crap car
The idiot who said it - Dick
Who he said it to - Wally
What was said - "Stop proposing to me with ring pops in public its not funny anymore."
Roy's insight - wtf Wally. get some real bling next time.
Example 14: Scenario - Some shady back alley
The idiot who said it - Dick
Who he said it to - Wally and Roy
What was said - "Setting a fire is no longer an acceptable diversion and that is FINAL."
Roy's insight - …Not even a little one?
Example 15: Scenario - Roy's bed (Dick was jumping on it while Wally sulked)
The idiot who said it - Dick
Who he said it to - Wally
What was said - "All I am saying is that I'd be a better car thief than you, ya don't have to get all prissy about it."
Roy's insight - well there's an easy way to find out.
Example 16: Scenario - Gold's Gym
The idiot who said it - Wally
Who he said it to - Dick
What was said - "Quit kicking the ceiling, you're gonna get us in trouble."
Roy's insight - Quit kicking the ceiling, you're gonna get us in trouble.
Example 17: Scenario - Laundry room
The idiot who said it - Wally
Who he said it to - Roy
What was said - "What, is that responsibility? Get that sh*t away from me."
Roy's insight - out of the mouths of babes.
Example 18: Scenario - Roy's place
The not-idiot who said it - Roy
Who he said it to - Dick
What was said - "OKAY, but please explain to me WHY it is so EAR-PIERCINGLY CRUCIAL to save the frogs!?"
Roy's insight - apparently frogs are nature's spider control
Example 19: Scenario - A&W Root beer
The idiot who said it - Dick
Who he said it to - Wally
What was said - "Wh…why are you blowing on your drink to cool it off Wally. It's soda."
Roy's insight - he's still blowing on it.
Example 20: Scenario - Central City Museum of Glass
The idiot who said it - Wally
Who he said it to - The entire tourist group and guide
What was said - "What? All I said was Harley Quinn is kinda hot."
Roy's insight - would personally go for Poison Ivy. In a strictly Would you rather scenario.
Example 21: Scenario - Roy's living room
The idiot who said it - Dick
Who he said it to - Wally
What was said - "Everyone thinks we're a couple and its entirely your fault."
Roy's insight - you are literally sprawled across Wally on the couch, words muffled against his chest because your face is buried into it.
Example 22: Scenario - Gonna whoop their asses.
The idiot who said it - Dick (after conspiring with Wally)
Who he said it to - Roy
What was said - Hey Roy, have you heard that one song by Joe Cocker? It's called 'You Can Leave Your Hat On'."
Roy's insight - ha. HA.
Example 23: Scenario - Wally was about to collapse on Roy's couch
The idiot who said it - Dick
Who he said it to - Wally
What was said (hissed in a low voice while yanking Wally away from the couch) - "Don't sit there, he moved furniture last night. As in, the couch. On the couch." *blank expression from Wally* "Dude he had sex."
Roy's insight - Well, Dick is the protege of the world's greatest detective.
I MADE IT
I HAVE BATTLED THE WIFI FOR TWO DAYS TO GET THIS POSTED
BOOYAH!
thank you everyone! *hugs all of you *
(make sure you hug back)