A/N: Birthday present for Story-Please

Beta Love: The Dragon and the Rose, Dutchgirl01, and Flyby Commander Sheperd

Beneath the Mask

Life is too short to spend hoping that the perfectly arched eyebrow or hottest new lip shade will mask an ugly heart. — Kevyn Aucoin

Someone had taken the trick or treat motto far too literally at Hogwarts, and the Great Hall was aflutter with the results of a rather creative but exceedingly strong curse that had made its way through the school from top to bottom.

"I'm blaming the Weasleys," Filius squeaked, his voice made even more so by his transformation into Hogwart's first and only giant wombat. He was helping himself to the salad with his face, having foregone all attempts at civil cutlery use.

"The Weasleys aren't even attending school here anymore, Filius," Minerva said, stretching out in her tabby cat form.

"Says the talking tabby cat," Filius sighed. "You can't tell me this doesn't smell like a Weasley sort of thing."

"You're a talking wombat, Filius," Minerva purred. "You're hardly in any condition to say anything."

"I tink your awful cute, Perfesser," Hagrid boomed from inside his pumpkin head. The inside of the pumpkin was lit up to show the intricately carved caricature of his face.

"He may be a wombat, Hagrid, but Filius can still hex you," Rolanda said. She had turned into a rather stunning-looking raptor with a wickedly sharp beak, wearing a pointed hat.

A loud clattering broke out as the entire gathering of first year Hufflepuffs slammed into each other, scattering bones everywhere— their transformation into skeletons having not improved their dexterity in the slightest. The Ravenclaws were all examining each other with almost scientific curiosity, enjoying their strange transformations into gargoyles, headless horsemen, horses for the headless horsemen, mummies, and suave opera cloak-wearing vampires.

"Ravenclaws," Pomona sighed. "You can't ever scare them. They just want to investigate each other."

Filius gave a wombat shrug. "It is fascinating."

The Gryffindor and Slytherin were taking turns screaming at each other, far too concerned with appearances than in taking any joy in the moment. Each were pointing fingers blaming each other for the offence, but both sides were adamantly denying it.

"Where is Severus, Minerva?" asked Sinistra. "It's not like him to miss berating his snakes for being complete imbeciles." She reached over to nick a biscuit with her two fingers and a thumb. Her grey skin and giant black eyes making her look like she had just been cast adrift from her invading space ship.

"I'm more worried about the fire elementals setting the place to flame," Vector said.

"BUKAAAAAAK!" A rooster-sized cocktrice complained as he ran across the Head Table, being chased by a very excited Mrs Norris.

"Poor Argus," Minerva quipped.

"Where is your apprentice, Minerva?" Pomona asked, seemingly unfazed by her transformation into a giant human-eating plant. She was using her tendril-like arms to nick syrup-drenched waffles off the plates.

"She was off delivering a parcel to Kingsley about the new Auror-track curriculum for those who want to become Aurors when they graduate," Minerva purred. "I'm sure she'll be back soon enough.

"If that Weasley boy doesn't ambush her to propose marriage again, that is," Rolanda tsked. "He's been at it for years."

"Don't know why," Pomona replied. "He's obviously not even trying to keep it in his pants. Why anyone would take him seriously as potential husband material is beyond me."

"In a word?" Minerva sighed. "Molly."

The professors groaned, chirped, squeaked, hissed, and growled together.

"I'm sorry, Minerva, but just because they helped save the world does not mean they were meant for each other," Sinistra said.

A young male "ghost" screamed as he fled through the Great Hall, pursued eagerly by the very real ghost of Moaning Myrtle, who was making disturbing passes and kissing sounds as she flew after him.

"I rest my case," Sinistra commented. "Just because you think you belong together doesn't automatically make it right."

A dragonified student was making a fuss protecting his horde of breakfast dishes and silverware, which would have been intimidating if he hadn't been transformed into a petite dwarf-ironbelly with huge purple eyes, dull claws, and a really adorable expression. Meanwhile, a student that had been transformed into a giant fluffy tarantula was being chased by a gaggle of screaming witches that had been transformed into banshees. Many students clasped their hands, paws, tentacles, and various appendages over their ears to protest the ungodly noise. Then, as if to put an end to the fiasco, a "werewolf" plucked the giant arachnid away from the screaming banshees, cuddled the rather fluffy, eight-legged student, and roared at the pursuing banshees.

The banshees promptly turned tail and fled for their lives in the opposite direction.

The fluffy spider gave a sigh of relief as he and the werewolf shared a pleasant breakfast together.

The fight between Gryffindors and Slytherins was getting louder again, this time a sphinx was trying to unravel a mummy, a hippocampus was smacking a gryphon upside the beak with its tail, the water-elementals were duking it out with the fire-elementals, and a gathering of disembodied hands were groping the other students.

"Minerva!" Filius protested.

Minerva opened her eyes and sighed, getting ready to stand up, just as a paralysing screech pierced the air, sending all of the students scrambling for cover. Huge black wings flapped across the span of the Great Hall as a huge man-bat dove over the tables— specifically between Gryffindor and Slytherin.

"To. Your. Seats," the bat snarled. "Now."

Instantly, the Gryffindor and Slytherin tables were quiet and proper again, with every monster sitting up straight and quiet.

The giant bat landed with a whoosh of wings and sat down at the Head Table, radiating pure malevolence.

"Good morning, Severus," Minerva greeted.

A low growl was her only reply.

"A giant bat, Severus?" Filius squeaked, nose wriggling.

"Obviously," Snape replied, his lips curling back from his pointed teeth.

"Ooo, I would love to find out what species you are," Filius said excitedly, gaining a pointed glare from Severus.

A owl fluttered towards the High Table, wobbling and smashing into the candlesticks as it flew. It tumbled in front of Minerva, skidded into the cream pitcher, flinging it onto Pomona's bulbous and fanged head. A barrage of waffles smacked into Hagrid. Chocolate sprinkles and toast slid down Filius' wombat face.

The High Table sighed collectively. "Errol."

The owl, lying feet up with a scroll fastened to the left one, sprawled on his back with a tired hoot.

"They really need to retire that poor old owl."

Minerva rolled her eyes and undid the scroll, reading it, but the moment she started to, the parchment changed into a pumpkin head that chanted loudly so the entire school could hear:

Trick or Treat

Is the spell this week

To amuse you here and now.

The curse shall last

Until it has passed

Or the afflicted take a bow.

Administer like the stories of old

True love's kiss amongst the pairs.

Only one shall break the spell,

If only you could dare.

Ignore the cure, if you must,

As I'm sure you're prone to do.

But enjoy the life of monsters,

Until the right couple comes to you.

"Weasleys," Filius sighed.

The huge man-bat extended a wing talon and poked Errol, who only managed to wiggle his feet as he lay on his back. "Whatever gave you that indication, Professor Flitwick?" he growled.

"Charming as always, Severus," Minerva said, entirely unfazed by his current appearance.

Snape curled his lips back from his fangs as he sank them into a large peach and made it disappear in record time.

The Great Hall was filled with noise as various monsters immediately took to snogging each other in order to "fix" the problem, figuring that the riddle had given them free rein to "experiment."

"Minerva, how can you sit there so calmly as the Great Hall is filled with hormonal snoggers?" Pomona asked in disbelief.

"They are hormonal teenagers, Pomona," Minerva reasoned. "They will either snog here or snog somewhere else, but snogging will occur regardless of the reason. And, if it should break the curse, then so much the better."

"How practical," Snape snarked, his large ear twitching.

"Severus, you're far too grumpy."

"I'm a bat," Snape groused. "A giant, freakish, nightmarish bat."

"Well you are a bit oversized for a fruit bat," Filius admitted, his nose twitching cutely, "but you're hardly nightmarish, Severus."

Severus snarled, and half the children near the High Table screamed and fled further back.

Snape glowered at the wombat-cum-charms professor. "You were saying, Filius?"

I'm far more concerned about whether our professors can manage to teach like this," Minerva said, oddly calm despite the perplexing situation.

"The here is not what is going to be a problem," Snape said, picking his fangs with a wing spur. "It's the—"

"What do you mean it's not true love!" someone demanded loudly.

"It's the broken dreams of teenage amour," Severus said as the food starting flying across the Great Hall. Snape caught a random miniature watermelon and broke into it calmly.

"I'm just saying— if it was true love, we'd change back right? Well none of us have!"

Multiple similar "conversations" erupted across the Great Hall, inducing a food flinging rage in the emotionally overwrought students.

A large pumpkin pelted Hagrid in the "face" covering him with slimy pumpkin guts. The half-giant went sprawling to the floor.

"Hnn," Snape said. "At least the entertainment is getting somewhat better."

"I'm a giant, freakish, nightmarish bat!" Hermione wailed, burying her muzzle in her wings.

"Yes, dear," Poppy comforted, "you are a bat, but you're not freakish or nightmarish. You look quite silken with a definite touch of adorable, if I don't say so myself." Poppy, who had been transformed into a wood nymph, examined Hermione's wings and ears, muzzle, and feet. "You're in perfect health, my dear, and I have some good news for you."

"You have a cure?"

"No, my dear," Poppy said cheerfully. "You're a perfectly healthy Animagus. I'll send the registration exam information to the Registry when we're done and you'll be all set!"

"Wu—what?" Hermione screeched. "But I can't change back! There can't be— there must be— how could this happen?!"

Poppy put a hand on Hermione's befurred shoulder. "There is a rather humourous curse going around thanks to those mischievous Weasley brothers. The moment you came back to Hogwarts, it must have affected you too. It seems Animagi are turned into talking versions of themselves and— well, you can see for yourself what it did to everyone else."

"I thought," Hermione sniffled, "you were just dressed up for the Halloween party."

"No, my dear, I can certainly guarantee you that my body is nowhere near this stunningly beautiful under my mediwitch robes," Poppy chuckled.

Hermione flushed.

"Now, I have a slew of new patients who were caught starting a brawl over not being each other's true loves," Poppy said with a grin. "Young love."

Hermione's eyebrow shot up into her hair.

"Could you take this to Minerva, if you please?" Poppy asked.

Hermione looked like she was ready to bolt or phase through a wall, whichever came first. "Yes."

"That's a girl," Poppy soothed. "You'll be fine, dear."

"Why of all things, a bat?" Hermione groaned as she quickly scurried out of the hospital wing, causing students to scramble out of her way in terror.

Poppy smiled to herself as she watched Hermione leave. "Everything happens for a reason, my dear."

"Oh, thank you, dear," Minerva said as Hermione dropped off the box of papers from Poppy. Her tail flipped back and forth as she looked over another pile of parchments. "Severus and I were just going over curriculum."

Snape growl-grunted, not even bothering to look up.

"Help yourself to the fruit bowl, dear," Minerva said. "The elves brought it in for Severus, and I'm pretty sure he can't eat it all by himself."

"Thank you, Minerva," Hermione said, plucking a cluster of grapes off the pile and digging in.

"Minerva, I hardly think that allowing an entire school suffer from curse-induced transformations is the proper way to go," Snape said with a frown.

"You're right, Severus," Minerva replied. "That's why I called the DMLE to send some people over to supervise the possible violence and make sure the curse didn't have any unforeseen side effects."

"If they send who I'm thinking they will, Minerva, we might as well simply set ourselves on fire and let Argus teach," Snape growled.

"That's not very nice, Professor," Hermione protested. "All the Aurors have high standards!"

"Oh, I'll admit their standards are high, but they were lowered just after the war due to there being precious few Aurors left, weren't they? They pretty much accepted anyone who survived the war as they figured that if you managed to survive the war, you must not be an sodding imbecile."

"If you gave them a chance—"

"I have given them a great many chances," Snape hissed. "Many chances since they were eleven-years-old, and as I recall, they would not have made it past their first year and onward had it not been for a little know-it-all doing their homework for them."

Hermione flushed. "I did not do their—"

"Oh, but you didn't exactly let them turn in the nothing that they would have had you not hounded them every night, hrm?"

"Severus—" Hermione whispered. "Why are you being so cruel?"

"Cruel? Open your sodding eyes, Granger," Snape hissed. He flipped his wings out and stood up, standing at his full height. "Now everyone knows I'm a bloody freakish, giant bat, and it's all because of your little Weasley friends. As if I didn't already have enough rumours against me, now the little blighters have yet another thing for them to whisper about behind my back— either laughing or terrified of me!"

Snape's shoulders squared. "And I'm sick and tired of being the freaking mutant who everyone loves to snicker about and hate because they are too sodding lazy to do their assignments and end up spending all their time trying to avoid them!"

Negative energy practically cascaded off of Snape's shoulders. "And maybe I don't want one more thing to be pitied over. Maybe I wasn't the hero who managed to save poor Fred Weasley from the falling wall. Maybe I wasn't the one who put the wand to Voldemort's face because of a prophecy. I refuse to be butt of jokes about being a giant, winged freak!"

Snape spun on his heel, glowering down at Hermione only to realise he was looking her straight in the eyes. Hermione's wide eyes stared back at him in horror— but not at his appearance. He saw his anger and hate reflected in her eyes.

"Hermione, I—"

Hermione's lips pulled back from her teeth, and her ears flattened against her head. Her teeth grit together. "If you'll excuse me, Minerva. Professor. I would rather not be here right now."

Hermione fled the room in a tangle of wings and a blur of motion. One wing went to her face to wipe the tears that had started to trickle down her face.

Minerva meow-sighed. "Severus, you truly are your own worst enemy. You and Hermione have managed to build a relationship as colleagues, peers, and friends ever since I first took her on as my apprentice. I've seen her let your rancor harmlessly slide off of her like it was nothing so many times before this, and now the one time you could have truly had something unquestionably in common—"

"I let my bloody mouth fuck it up again," Severus groaned, burying his head in his wings.

Minerva sighed. "Go after her, lad," she said after a while.

"You've seen what that does for me historically, haven't you?" Snape hissed.

Minerva pounced on him, throwing the much larger anthro-bat to the floor as she stood on his kidneys and stormed up his chest to peer directly into his face, her paws digging just so far into his hardened, furry body. "I've seen what it has done to you once, Severus Snape. Once. Never once have I seen you attempt to apologise for your behaviour ever since then. Oh, you've tried to pay penance for that one mistake over years, but you never made apologies for anything recent. If you truly feel remorse, then get out there and prove it."

Snape's jaws opened as if to protest, but Minerva placed one paw directly over his mouth. He fidgeted uncomfortably under her intense scrutiny.

"Your being a double agent for Albus may have worked as an excuse before, Severus, but there is no excuse for being a dunderheaded jackass around people who care about you now."

Severus' eyes widened as his insults came back to bite him. He turned his head away, grimacing.

"You may think yourself Ireland, lad," Minerva said softly, "but you are not. Some part of you must want something more."

"I've wanted something more since I first left home, Minerva," Severus groused.

Minerva smacked her tail into Severus face a few times. "Then go out there and do something about this situation."

"She would never—" Severus winced. "I'm not exactly a good catch, Minerva!"

"And if you lay here on my floor telling yourself all the reasons why it won't work, then it really won't work, but it won't be because it was meant to. It will fail because you're determined to see it fail."

Severus gave Minerva a tormented look.

Minerva curled her lips back from her pointed feline teeth. "Make whatever choice you wish, Severus, but do make a choice. As far as I've seen there are only two anthro-bats in all of Hogwarts, and both are Animagi. What are the chances, hrm?"

The tabby Animagus then proceeded to use Severus' bladder as a springboard and leapt back onto the desk, barely missing his masculine assets with her clawed hind feet. Severus' eyes crossed. He stared at the silver tabby, groaning in pain, feeling like he was trapped between the ire of the Scottish witch and the pain of a colleague he had truly not wished to slight.

"Hey, Hermione," greeted a scruffy-looking stag with a mop of black fur on his head. He had orange and black jingle bells decorating his neck in a wreath and an entire strand of them tangled up in his antlers.

Hermione spun, startled, her ears laid flat as she flashed her teeth.

"I heard you talking to the mummy," he said.

Hermione let out a soft sigh somewhere between frustration and resignation. "Hi, Harry. It's been quite a long day."

"Savage said there wasn't any Dark magic afoot, but there isn't an actual counter for the spell so much as conditions that must be met."

"True love," Hermione said with an ear twitch. "Looks like anyone who comes to Hogwarts gets nailed by the spell, hrm?" She appraised the Halloween stag, realising that Harry was some sort of zombie stag with a deer skull in place of a normal stag's head.

Harry slumped, his head shaking back and forth. "Savage and Greentree turned into a pair of matching hellhounds," Harry said. "Sulfur breath and all that. Proudfoot turned into one of those waving cats that you see in Asian shop windows. He's gone around waving at everyone. And Ron, well—"

Hermione flinched the moment she heard Ron's name. "Do I even want to know?"

"Ron's an Acromantula," Harry sighed. "No one wants to get near him, let alone talk with him."

"I'm thinking Ron is probably regretting saving his brothers from that wall during the Battle of Hogwarts right about now," Hermione surmised.

Harry chuckled, a pretty strange sound coming from a skeletal-faced stag. "Not so much as he regrets tripping over that hay bale and tripping into Nagini that night at the Shack," Harry mused. "He always says he missed out on the perfect opportunity to get rid of Snape."

"Professor Snape, Harry."

Harry shook his head. "Yeah, Professor."

Hermione frowned. "Did he really say that? That he actually wanted Professor Snape dead?"

"Not in so many words," Harry admitted. "You know Ron, he doesn't think before he blurts out whatever's on his mind. He became a hero for saving Sn— Professor Snape that night, but he doesn't like that his heroism is connected with 'that greasy git'."

Hermione pinched her nose. "I'd be far more worried that my heroism was connected with tripping over a hay bale and inadvertently becoming a hero."

Harry gave a shrug, causing the jingle bells to tinkle around his neck.

"Hey Harry! We figured it out!" came two voices as two people dressed in Auror brown rushed down the hallway.

"Savage! Greentree! You're cured!"

The two Aurors skid to a halt and looked inordinately happy with themselves. "You just kiss the love of your life!"

Harry tapped his hoof impatiently against the stone floor. "That isn't helping ME or the first through third or fourth years, now is it? What about the married professors? What if their partner happens to be dead?"

Savage and Greentree slumped. "Sorry, we were just so happy that we changed back— we thought—"

Harry tossed his head, jingling. "No, I apologise. It's not your fault. I think the twins created the spell to bring a specific couple together, but they also added a little spice by showing compatibility using Halloween creature transformations. You two were hellhounds, right? So maybe it's about finding your match for most people, but the overall spell isn't going to break until the right pair has a proper kiss."

"Well, then I'll be stuck like this until that right couple happens along," Hermione groaned.

"Isn't there another bat around for you, Hermione?" Harry asked. "Maybe that will change you back."

Hermione flinched. "Not happening, Harry. I think he'd rather murder me then share a kiss with me."

"Even so you can get out of this curse?" Harry asked. "Surely whoever it is doesn't want to remain a bat forever? Then you'd be like Professor Snape, seeing as everyone thinks he's a dungeon bat anyway."

Hermione closed her eyes and flattened her ears tightly against her head. "I suppose so," she said quietly.

"'Mione!" gushed Ron, repeatedly tripping over his multiple legs as he ran-skittered down the hallway. "You haff to help me! Mione, that's you innit?" His words garbled together in a strange mishmash as he tried to run and speak at the same time.

"I'm sorry, I have to go check on the children," Hermione said in a gush, fleeing down the hall in a blur of motion.

"Mione, come back!" Ronald pleaded. "We have to kiss to make this all better!"

Ronald tripped over himself and landed in a heap of legs and excess eyes.

"You really need to work on your approach, mate," Harry chided. "You don't just run up to someone as a giant spider and demand a smooch."

"It's working for all of them in there!" Ron said, pointing a leg into the Great Hall.

"They are teenagers," Harry reminded him.

Screams of an entirely other kind came from inside the Great Hall.

"What do you mean you changed back because you kissed my girl!" an angry voice bellowed.

"Stan, please!"

Harry sighed. "We should really go and help break this stuff up, Ron. That takes top priority. Come on. The last bloody thing we need is Kingsley demanding to know how the hell we managed to let children kill each other while we were right here."

"I need to go find 'Mio—" Ron started.

Harry impatiently shoved the giant spider in front of him. "No, you're going to help in the Great Hall."

"But if I kiss Mione all this will go away!" Ron whinged.

"Damage control first, Ron," Harry said.

"Besides, who would want to kiss your ugly mug," Savage commented with a smirk. "I can barely even look at you."

"Mione loves me!"

Savage and Greentree exchanged glances. "You 'ave an odd way of showin' love, Weasley," Greentree observed. "If Savage here went around snogging anything that moved like you do, I'd have hexed his bollocks off."

"Don't you see?" Ron stared at his fellow Aurors as if they had all gone barmy. "My brothers just wanted me to settle down, that's all. Make me come to a decision. I kiss Mione and this all goes away, everyone knows we're meant for each other, and then we can finally settle down like we're supposed to."

There was a crash as a chair went flying, and hexes started whizzing wildly back and forth across the Great Hall. The study hall professor was rushing up from the front of the hall in a hurry, but the violence had escalated a bit too quickly and was already way out of hand. Harry, Savage, and Greentree immediately threw themselves into the fray, shielding, stunning, and redirecting as they went.

Ron looked this way and that with his multiple eyes and then hastily scurried down the hallway, away from the fighting, heading in the direction that he had seen Hermione flee.

"I'm sorry," Severus said as he landed neatly on the tree branch in the courtyard, hanging upside down next to Hermione. "I let my mouth run away with me, and I did what I always complain that other people do: speak without thinking."

"You're hurtful, Severus," Hermione sighed sadly, rustling her wings as she clung to the branch upside down. "Just when I think we might have something— something special, you go and become someone else entirely."

Snape shimmied a little closer, nudging his wing gently against hers. "I was afraid, Ms Granger. I still am."

"Huh." Hermione thought for a moment. "Can't you finally call me by my first name, after all this time?"

Severus turned his head, looking away from her. His ears drooped. "I am afraid to."

"Whyever for?"

"Because if I call you by name, I basically admit that you mean something to me," Severus confessed. "And then, you can lay me low for my utter stupidity."

Hermione blinked, rubbing her wing across her eyes. "Severus— why would I belittle you for admitting that you care for someone? You call Minerva by her first name. You call Poppy by her first name."

"Minerva—" Severus said her name like a sigh. "She tried to protect me when she learned that Potter, Black, Lupin, and Pettigrew had it out for me. Poppy often put me back together when Minerva brought me in for help. Everything would seemingly be fine. Things would look better, and then the next day, neither remembered ever seeing me. Yet— each time it happened, I trusted them a little more. They always tried to help me, even when they couldn't remember doing so. I— trust their character, even when I couldn't trust them to follow through."

Hermione frowned. "Obliviation?"

"I believe so. Nothing I can prove, however," Snape replied.

Hermione stared up at her toes, wings rustling. "I'm sorry, Severus. It's unrealistic for me to think you could trust anyone, least of all me."

Snape flinched. "Don't think that. I do— trust you. I don't trust myself. I've already botched things up as it is."

Hermione thwapped Snape soundly over the head with her wing. "Don't think every misstep you've ever made means the end of every chance you ever had," she admonished him.

Snape froze, staring at her. "What do you—?"

Hermione huffed, wrapping her wings more tightly around herself. "I care for you, Severus. I have waited for what seems like forever for you to show even one iota of proof that you might feel the same for me. Our nightly tea debriefings, our Sunday dinners when we have no family but ourselves— I had thought that perhaps there could be something." Hermione closed her eyes, pulling her wings around herself even more tightly. "It's okay if you don't feel the same. Better I know now to stop looking for what just isn't there."

"H—Hermione," Snape whispered with a tremor in his voice. He extended a wing to pull her chin down to look at him. A gust of wind surged, sending an icy chill through the courtyard, and Hermione shivered. He slowly wrapped his wing around her, pulling her shivering body close to his. "I have nothing to give you. I have no hero status or grand estate. I have no looks that could make others envy you. If anything, I have a run down home in Cokeworth that I'd far rather burn down than live in. I have no more grand aspirations to inspire you. I have no wondrous visions of the future. I cannot promise to never hurt you. But I can promise to never do so deliberately."

"You're so thick," Hermione said, snuggling under his wing and wrapping hers around his. "If any of that mattered, do you think I'd be here, clinging to this branch, sharing your warmth, and really wanting to snog you silly?"

Severus froze, his wings trembling. "Wh—"

"One bat to another," Hermione said. "Shouldn't be too hard. Maybe a little practice and experimentation is in order"

Severus pressed his muzzle to hers, gently rubbing against her cheek. "Is this what you truly want?"

"Note the lack of complaints," Hermione replied.

Severus noticed that Hermione had a rather tempting-looking peach in her mouth, and he took it for the hint it was, slowly moving in to claim the the most tempting of offers right in front of him.

Suddenly, strands of sticky silk slammed into his wings and pulled, tearing him away from Hermione's warm body. He screeched in outrage, but his body was bound entirely in the silk— helpless.

"Get away from my 'Mione, you bloody bat!" Ron yelled. "Just because this ruddy curse turned her into a furry monster doesn't mean she's like you!"

"Mione, Mione, are you okay? Did you hurt you?" Ron yelled, leaping up and yanking both Hermione and the branch she was clinging to right off the tree. "Don't worry, I've got you. One kiss and we can put all of this behind us."

Spider-Ron moved in closer, his mandibles opening as his long fangs moved over to give her a kiss.

Hermione screeched, pushing Ron away with her wings. "What the HELL, Ron?"

"That was supposed to work!" Ron said, baffled. "That was supposed to break the spell!"

"Forcing yourself on me? You presumptuous arse!" Hermione screeched furiously.

"Maybe I just had to kiss you longer!" Ron mused. "We can try again!"

"We bloody well will NOT!" Hermione screamed.

Ron tried to grip her with his front legs, but ended up tangling her up in his silk and the other legs. "Come on, Mione, just one kiss, for real this time."

"You already stole what I didn't wish to give in the first place!" Hermione yelled. "Let me go!"

"You don't have to fight anymore, 'Mione. I know you were just mad that I was seeing all those other witches. But I'm ready to settle down now."

"Ronald Bilius Weasley," Hermione yelled. "Let me go RIGHT NOW!" Hermione's fur stood straight on end as raw magical energy gathered between her wings and she flung Ron bodily away from her with a blast of wandless and silent magic.

The Acromantula-Ron went flying arse over teakettle all the way to the far end of the courtyard, slamming into multiple pillars along the way before sliding down to the ground in a tangled heap. The spider shook himself off. "The hell, Mione?"

He skittered back towards her. "You want to end this curse, yeah? Then quit fighting me, dammit!"

"I'd rather remain a sodding bat," Hermione hissed angrily.

Ron's spider face managed to flush a deep red with anger as he rushed up to her, clearly intending to try again. Hermione leapt into the air to escape, but Ron shot sticky strands of silk at her, hopelessly tangling up her feet and wings, causing Hermione to painfully crash to the ground.

"Come on, 'ermione! Let's be heroes together," Ron wheedled.

Suddenly, a shadow of wrathful black slammed down between Ron and Hermione, wings outstretched and fangs bared menacingly. "The lady said no, Mr Weasley."

"You're not our professor anymore, Snape," Ron snarled.

"I may not be responsible for your behaviour anymore, Mr Weasley," Severus growled, "but that means that you are. You will leave Miss Granger alone. She has repeatedly told you that she desires neither your company nor your assistance."

"Oh, and I suppose she wants yours, you slimy Slytherin git?" Ron fumed. "I'm tired of bowing to you. I'm tired of paying respect to you. You never treated us well. You never treated HER well. You made her cry, and you expect me to believe that she's okay with you now?"

"Ron—"

"No!" Ron interrupted. "Don't even try to tell me that everything is just peachy between you now, Mione. Don't tell me that you decided to just forgive all of his shit."

"I forgave yours," Hermione pointed out.

Ron surged forward, yelling.

Snape snarled, flaring his wings out, his eyes flicking over to where Hermione was rubbing her aching muscles from her fall.

BSZZZZZTTTTTTTTTTTtttt!

Green energy blasted Ron in multiple places as an enraged zombie stag bounded into the clearing. "Ron, do you have a death wish?!" he yelled furiously.

The Ron-Acromantula fell on his back, legs up in the air and twitching, completely paralysed.

Savage and Greentree ran up behind Harry. "What the hell is going on here, Potter?"

The zombie stag stomped his hoof and pointed at the Roncromantula.

"Ronald Weasley, I'm arresting you for deliberately forcing yourself upon an unwilling witch. You do not have to say anything in your defence, but—"

Hermione stepped up next to Severus, her wing wrapping snugly around his waist. "No, Harry— don't."

"He just assaulted you, Hermione!"

"Just… make sure he doesn't bother me again, will you? Obliviate him of his memory of me if you must, but— please, just take me out of the equation. Do that, and I promise I'll be okay."

"Are you sure, Professor Granger?" Savage asked.

Hermione looked up into Severus' dark eyes. "Everyone deserves to live a life without the things and people that bring out the worst in them. Watch him closely if you must, but I think without me— he'll be better. A better friend. A better person."

Harry huffed, steam coming from his heated breath. "Okay, Hermione. I'll talk to Kingsley. But, if this doesn't work— could I assign him to a post in Antarctica? And what about Molly? She's been trying to get you two married for—"

Harry gasped as Savage elbowed him sharply in the ribs. "What the fuck, mate?"

"Language, Potter," Savage said cheekily. "I think we're witnessing a magical marriage here."

"Whu—?"

Green and red magic gathered around Hermione and Severus as they met together in a kiss. Tendrils of magic swirled around them as their bodies transformed back into their original human shape and a nova of bright blue energy blasted outward and through the entire grounds of Hogwarts.

"The spell is broken!" children cheered joyously.

"Awwww, I kind of liked being a mummy."

"I'll be your mummy!"

"Shut it, James!"

Laughter filled the halls.

Fireworks burst over Hogwarts— the Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes special occasion variety. They formed into glowing red hearts that were joined. Letters flew around forming the words,"It's about bloody time, Snape and Granger! Give our baby bro a swift kick in the arse from us!"

The fireworks burst into thousands of brightly explosive spiders that skittered across the sky chasing a human-shaped effigy that looked rather suspiciously like one Ronald Weasley.

Hermione blinked back at Severus as he pulled away from their kiss. "Wow. I don't give a bloody damn about property as long as you can kiss like that!"

Severus flushed slightly, pressing his forehead to hers.

Harry looked really awkward. Savage and Greentree looked quite amused

A large glowing cat Patronus leapt out of Minerva's office window and boomed across the grounds, "The reception for the de-cursing of Hogwarts and the marriage of Professors Severus and Hermione Snape will be starting in the Great Hall in one half-hour!"

Hermione and Severus stared up to the balcony of Minerva's office, spotting the waving hands of Minerva and Poppy. Beside them stood Fred and George Weasley waving green and red banners with "Congratulations" written in glowing magical script.

A very wobbly owl fluttered down from the balcony, slammed into a tree limb, and splatted into Severus and Hermione, dropping into their hands. A black velvet box opened to expose shimmering goblin silver rings shaped like flying bats. The rings floated up and slipped onto Hermione and Severus' fingers.

"Whoo," Errol hooted tiredly.

Hermione and Severus exchanged glances as Harry and his fellow Aurors laughed together. Harry hugged Hermione tightly and extended his hand to Severus.

"Congratulations, sir," Harry said.

Severus was still for a long moment, but then he slowly extended his hand and clasped Harry's. "Thank you— Harry."

Harry's eyes widened and then he nodded with a pleased smile.

"Think Kingsley will object if we stay for the festivities?" Savage asked.

Harry eyed the comatose Ron, who was, strangely, still an Acromantula. "I suppose we can stay as long as Ronald looks like a spider. The curse could still be going strong, yeah?"

The Aurors grinned and simultaneously took out their wands and zapped Ron with "Petrificus Totalis!"

And they all lived happily ever after.

(Plush spiders scurry across the screen, carrying a large wedding cake)

"Happy Hallowedding!"

"Yes!"

"Cake for everyone!"

"Except Ron."

"Yeah, Ron's a jerk."

"No cake for Ron."

"Bad Ron."

(Plush spider cheer)

"See you next time!"

"Yes, next time!"

A/N: Happy Birthday, Story-Please!

A/N2: A hippocampus is a sea horse in myth as well as part of the brain, and the reference to property after the kiss was intentional.