"Anger Management"

By Loki Palmer

Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters (with the exception of Loki) belong to J.K. Rowling.

Chapter 2

Albus Dumbledore had a merry twinkling in his eyes. "Miss Granger … this plan is most unorthodox ..."

"You mean it's a bad plan?"

"No, not at all. It is unorthodox in the sense that it is a move Voldemort will not expect from us."

Professor Snape rolled his eyes. "I hate to agree with Mr. Weasley ..."

"Excuse me?"

"…. Please, Mr. Weasley … you do have a valid point. This plan is, as you would say, barking mad."

"Do you doubt my abilities, Professor Snape?" said Loki.

"Let us consider for a moment that the Dark Lord is an accomplished Occlumens, Mr. Palmer. This means he can block off his mind to any magical intrusions and therefore he has better control of his emotions. The chances of you breaking through his emotional control would be the same as the Houses of Gryffindor and Slytherin laying down a permanent truce … and keeping it ..."

"Fair point, Professor Snape, but past records have shown Voldemort to kill and torture his own followers on a whim."

"Touché. Even if this plan works, I do not wish to be among the possible casualties. We Slytherins have a different attitude towards conflict than the Gryffindors. We tend to calculate the odds first before we choose to engage someone in battle; we do not charge in with our wands blazing."

"Who says I go in with my wand blazing, Professor Snape?" said Harry. "My wand doesn't blaze … at least, as far as I'm aware."

"If you didn't have Miss Granger around, Potter, I'm sure you would have died several times. What would you do if somebody harmed her?"

Harry's nostrils flared, his eyes smoldered, and his fists clenched for a brief moment, but then he relaxed as he said, "Why don't you ask the shade of Tom Riddle that lived in the diary from my second year? Oh, wait – you can't do that, because it's gone to the Abyss where it belongs!"

Professor Snape smirked as the sound of a thunderclap echoed. "I rest my case."

"I trust you have written up a document delineating this wager, Miss Granger?" said Dumbledore.

Hermione brought it out. "Here it is."

Dumbledore examined it. "Well, this appears to be an airtight wager. What if he was to torture, or kill, his own followers?"

"A good point, Headmaster," said Professor Snape.

"In order to cast an Unforgivable Curse," said Loki, "a strong emotion is required with it. In the case of the Cruciatus or the Avada Kedavra, there would be hatred involved. Hatred is a manifestation of anger. Casting these would be a sign that he cannot control his anger."

"Is it fair to say the more I hear about this idea, the more I am liking it … and dreading it?" said Professor Snape.

Loki's answer was a grin, while Dumbledore looked at Professor McGonagall. "Minerva, you haven't said a word."

"My thoughts, Headmaster, echo those of Severus. Like him, I have a bad feeling about this ..."

"O ye of little faith," said Loki.

"What could possibly go wrong?" said Luna.

Professor Snape shook his head. "I don't know. How about … everything?"

~ANGER MANAGEMENT~

DING DONG!

"Lucius, could you see who is at the door?"

"Right away, My Lord." He opened the door. "May I help you?"

"Lucius Malfoy, I presume?" Lucius nodded. "Ah, excellent. My name is Loki Palmer, and this is my girlfriend Luna Lovegood. We have a most generous monetary offer for your Master, one Lord Voldemort –"

"– A generous monetary offer, you say? How much?"

"Oh, somewhere in the neighborhood of … one billion Galleons."

"ONE BILLION GALLEONS?!"

Luna said into Loki's ear, "Loki, a billion in Great Britain is the equivalent of what the Americans call a trillion … you know, one with 12 zeroes following ..."

Loki rolled his eyes. "Forgive me, Lord Malfoy. You Brits and your numbers … I meant to say a thousand million Galleons … a mighty generous sum, if I do say so myself."

"Who cares about whether it is a thousand million or a billion? Come in, come in, and be welcome in my House! Please, come right this way ..."

~ANGER MANAGEMENT~

After Lucius had introduced them – and made mention of the offer – Lord Voldemort looked at them with interest.

"To whom do I owe this generosity?"

"For all I know, Lord Voldemort, it could come from my vault, it could come from Harry Potter's vault, why should it matter? The conditions of the offer matter more to you, do they not?"

"Conditions, you say?"

Loki took out the document.

"To one Tom Marvolo Riddle, who prefers the dreaded name of Lord Voldemort:

We have made you a most generous offer of one thousand million Galleons – not a billion, Loki, please try to remember that numbers are different here in Great Britain – on condition that you, Lord Voldemort – hereafter the Recipient – can show yourself to be a person of a stable temper. By the words stable temper, we mean that the Recipient is not prone to anger. Our representatives – Loki Palmer and Luna Lovegood – will stay in the company of the Recipient for as long as they desire to see if he can be such a person, or until all the money is lost. For each outburst of anger, our Representatives will deduct an amount of money, the amount of which will be up to their discretion. Should the Recipient lose the entire amount, he and his followers, the Death Eaters, will come to Harry Potter at Hogwarts and give him their unconditional surrender. Use of any of the three Unforgivable Curses – the Imperius, the Cruciatus, or the Avada Kedavra – on our Representatives, or murder of the same, or grievous injury of the same, will mean an automatic forfeit of the money, with the aforementioned consequence of unconditional surrender to Harry Potter.

– Wow, Hermione, you thought of everything, didn't you?

– Of course I did – oh, shut up, Ronald! We're using a bloody Dicta-Quill, for Merlin's sake!

STOP LAUGHING, LOKI!

Signed,

Harry Potter and Hermione Granger

Witnesses: Ronald Weasley, Dean Thomas, Fred and George Weasley, Seamus Finnegan, Headmaster Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, Professor Minerva McGonagall, Professor Severus Snape, Professor Filius Flitwick, Professor Pomona Sprout.

P.S.,

Have fun!

Prank Voldyshorts without mercy!

FRED, GEORGE! YOU TWO ARE SO INCORRIGIBLE!"

Voldemort chuckled about the humor within the document as he took it and signed it. "Well, this sounds like quite a wager. I daresay, Lucius, winning this wager will be easier than scaring Muggle children on Halloween night ..."

~CUTAWAY GAG~

As Voldemort was passing through the trick or treating children one Halloween, one girl came to him and said, "Mister, aren't you a bit old for trick or treating?"

Voldemort lowered himself to her height. "Well … no … not really … BOO!"

"AAAH! MOMMY, MOMMY! I SAW A SCARY MAN OUT THERE WITH RED EYES AND NO NOSE!"

Voldemort rolled his eyes. Silly Muggles. Doubtless, her mother will pass it off as part of the Halloween season. Now to scram out of here …

~END CUTAWAY GAG~

"You two must be famished from your journey. Come and eat. Let it not be said that I am an ungracious host."

Loki bowed and Luna curtsied. "Thank you."

Author's Note: Ah, Voldemort may think it will be an easy wager … but will it? Read and review!

Smiles and laughter,

Loki Palmer