Two years. It's already been two years and Marc still found himself remembering Kay Engel, it's just recently he finally found peace with the idea that he won't forget him that easily. After the first few months, since Kay left, he was thinking about him constantly, no matter what he was doing, his whole life reminded him about the beautiful man with the big blue eyes, who turned his life upside down. With time, he found himself, thinking about Kay, less and less, but never gone completely. Marc asked himself why he couldn't forget about him or the time they spend together and decided on couple of reasons.

One, being that Kay was the first man; he had kissed or experienced new undiscovered emotions and pleasures. They say you always remember your first. Second, because of Kay, his world was turned upside down, he wasn't living the life he thought he would, and the image of his perfect family life in the suburbs was destroyed. And what's more, he was ok with that, not regretting it or wishing to get that life back. Of course he wished it could've been less painful, less destructive, less confusing and without all those hurtful lies. Third, he is feeling terrible guilty about how he hurt Kay, the way he talked to him and treated him, how terribly selfish he was with him. Most of all he wished to tell him how terribly sorry he is.

Thinking that the third reason is the most important, Marc made peace that he'll always remember Kay and think of him constantly, at least, until he'll finally apologies and the guilt lessens. He thought about contacting Kay many times, with the police resources he had easily found Kay's new workplace and the address of his apartment. But when he finally had that information he didn't found courage to actually use that. Many times he had wanted to just call ort just drive up here, but he had always chickened out, thinking that Kay wouldn't like to see him or hear his apology. And he was also too nervous to see him, not sure what he would do, say or react, when they're finally meet face to face.

He didn't want to see the anger, hate or hurt in Kay's eyes. He was scared to see the love vanished from his eyes, but even more than that, he was afraid of the opposite. He was terrified to find Kay still loving him, still caring for him, lusting for him. Then guilt would eat him alive. Cause he didn't deserve that. He deserved to be hated and forgotten, just like Kay deserved to move on and found someone who would love him and cherish him, like Marc failed to do.

Marc sighed as he continued driving his car towards the unknown town. He needed a fresh start. New life in the new town, new workplace with the new coworkers, new neighbors, new bars and the new relationships. He wasn't sure if he was ready for a new relationship or even to date. But it had been two years. Two years, since Kay left and since he broke up with the Bettina. He obviously sucked at the relationships, being a selfish liar. But Bettina managed to move on, finally going on the serious dates, and Marc was sure that Kay wasn't single either. Even if he didn't have a serious boyfriend, he probably still found company from time to time, someone to dance with, someone to warm his bed, and eventually someone to warm his heart. Marc didn't want to think about it, but it was the reality. He needed to finally move on.

He couldn't stay living in the same house or even stay working in the same place. New training programs helped a lot, selling a house too, but he still felt stuck and suffocating. Having a son, he couldn't move away that far, even if wasn't allowed to see his son that very often, he still needed to be in a reaching distance. A new job offer was like a blessing from the sky. He didn't hesitate, quickly making the arrangement, not caring if his parents, friends or Bettina didn't understand.

There was no guarantee that he could finally breathe in his new apartment or in his new job, no guarantee that he wouldn't want to drink himself unconscious every night or throw himself into work to make himself too busy to think. No guarantee that he would forget Kay or feel ready to date someone new. But he finally felt something that he hasn't felt in a long time- Hope.

With the bag over his shoulder Marc was led down the corridor, buy his new commander, to meet his new coworkers. The memory of Kay being introduced to his team, involuntarily crossed his mind and Marc closed his eyes tightly for a second, trying to forget it. But the memory wasn't fading, he was shaken with the shock he felt, when he suddenly saw Kay entering their meeting. Feeling fear, confusion and excitement at seeing Kay, so strongly that he was breathless just remembering it.

Marc shook his head trying to focus as he was finally led thru the doors to meet the new team. He was still recovering from the memory as he raised his head and quickly looked around the guys in the room, while his commander introduced him as the new member.

Suddenly he froze, desperately trying to keep on breathing as his eyes landed on none other but Kay Engel himself. He couldn't help but stare, too shocked to care if he was being too obvious. But his mind just couldn't focus, his eyes danced over the familiar features, the same big blue eyes, full raspberry lips, light stubble and the blond, shortly cut hair. Marc tried to breathe evenly, but it just raised yet another memory to the surface. Breathe evenly pussy. Was it really him? Was it really Kay Engel, sitting in the class among ten other police officers of his new team, staring right back at him, with the same shocked expression as his own?

Marc finally had to snap out of his trance as his commander led him out of the room to the locker room, where he could put down his stuff. He could feel himself shaking as he unpacked his bag. Had it really just happened? Was he really working yet again in the same team as Kay? He didn't know what to think, he didn't knew how he can handle it. All this time, he thought about contacting Kay to apologies, thinking he might never see Kay ever again. And then this happens. Marc wondered what Kay was thinking, was he really just as shocked and shaken up to see him after all this time as he was? Does Kay thinks, he did it on purpose? Acting on the same move to be closer to Kay, like he did almost three years ago?

Marc focused on the task at hand, thinking only about the work, that he couldn't have any free time to think about Kay or what he's going to say to him, when they finally have a chance to speak privately. No, he couldn't think about that. So he focused on work, barely looking at or even acknowledging the other guys. He couldn't even look at the side where Kay was, even if he felt en urge to do it. All of his instincts, senses and brain cells were screaming at him to look at Kay, to talk to him or just be closer. But Marc was good at denying himself what he wanted. He did it for years, avoiding any man, avoiding Kay, forcing himself to be with Bettina, talking himself into that it's what he wanted. He spent days at nights with Bettina, while wishing to be with Kay, so it was easy to ignore his senses and not to glance at Kay, not even once.

But as they finished working and were getting ready to leave in their locker room, Marc finally allowed himself to look at Kay. He didn't allow his eyes to wander and travel over his magnificent body or beautiful face, cause he had no right and he also didn't deserve it, not just to touch but also to admire with his look. Marc looked over the room, noticing that other guys are leaving faster and it present a time to stay alone with Kay. So he slows down getting ready and keeps glancing at Kay, hoping he would sense it and would chose to stay behind.

It crossed Marc's mind that Kay might not want to stay alone with him, talk to him or listen what he's got to say. But if they're going to work together, they had to do it, rather sooner than later. Glancing at him yet again, Marc noticed Kay just standing there and staring inside his locker, maybe deciding to stay or not. He holds his breath while waiting for the Kay's mental verdict.

"-Kay, you're going?", a tall brunet suddenly asks and Marc quickly looks over him with the different eyes, trying to see if maybe he's more than just Kay's friend. But he has no gaydar and the unexpected jealousy starts gnawing at his insides.

"-Yeah, I'll be in a minute", Marc breathes out as Kay dismisses the guy, until they're finally left alone, and he yet again has to focus on his breathing.

Finally they face each other across the room, staring at the familiar face, familiar eyes, trying to read each other's moods and emotions. Marc is terrified to analyze Kay deeper, afraid what he might or might not see.

"-What are you doing here Marc?", Kay is first to break the silence, sounding irritated and not happy at all to see his ex-lover and fellow officer.

"-I'm not here because of you, if that's what you are asking", Marc feels like he had to explain, but as it left his mouth, it sounded all wrong. "-I mean I thought you were working in Ludwigsburg", Marc quickly adds but for some reason it doesn't really help.

"-I was, left it three months ago. What are You doing here?", Kay says, sounding annoyed and Marc tries not to flinch, he had never seen or heard Kay being so cold,

"-I needed a change. Limpinski was even more of an ass, and my parents always intruding", Marc explained with a smirk, for some reason hoping to get a smile out of Kyle too, but he just stared at him with the same cold unaffected expression which felt like punch to a stomach.

"-I actually wanted to contact you, but I just wasn't sure if you would like to hear from me", Marc said after Kyle said nothing and the awkward silence crept in.

"-What for?", Kyle asked still sounding irritated and Marc almost gasped how much it hurt,

"-To apologies. For the way I acted, the way I treated you. It was selfish of me. Neither you nor Bettina deserved that", Marc explained trying to show how sincere he was. He wasn't sure what reaction he expected out of Kay, but he was still disappointed.

Kay just nodded at him, showing he heard him, but not necessarily understood or accepted his apology. Marc wanted to ask how he can earn his apology, but he was afraid of the answer, believing that Kay would ask him to leave and never show his face again or something equally painful. Maybe Marc didn't planned their meeting to go like this or to work in the same place, but since they do now, Marc didn't wanted to leave and never see Kay ever again.

"-I hope we can work together", Marc asked, not risking to ask for his friendship, cause honestly, he wasn't sure if he would be able to be only Kay's friend.

"-I'll see you around then", Kay finally said, the same emotionless, before picking up his bag and leaving without a second glance. Marc just watched him leaving, not sure how to read him. Maybe Kay just moved on, forgetting about him and not having any lingering feelings left. Or maybe he was still hurting and Marc's sudden appearance opened the wounds.

Working with Kay seemed to be more stressful and difficult than Marc had expected. Back then, in the past, Marc had managed to focus on his work and almost pretend that Kay wasn't there, but now it appeared to be way harder. He still cared about his job and he tried to do it as best as possible, he still cared what other's thought, not wanting to appear weak and came out as gay. But for some reason, just Kay's present in the same room, caused troubles in his focus, making it hard to think clearly and just breathe evenly. The fact that breathing always brought back the memory of Kay (Breathe evenly, pussy) didn't help at all.

So he started drinking again. Only after work and in his days of, so he wouldn't show up drunk or hangover at work. But day after day it was getting worse. He tried getting some extra work, covering for his coworkers if needed, but the new team didn't know him or trusted him enough. So he spend his free time by driving back home to see his son, even if Bettina didn't allow him to show up on the days they haven't agreed upon, but Marc hoped to see them in the park or in the backyard, feeling like some creep stalker.

Kay's cold shoulder and acting like he didn't know Marc, or he didn't even exist, made it all worse. He wasn't sure what he expected, he knew it was a slim chance of them becoming friends, since Marc didn't wanted that either. But he expected something. At least the acknowledge that they knew each other. Other team mates didn't help either. They were all friends with Kay and since he ignored Marc, the guys decided to do it too. Marc doubted that Kay told them anything, not the truth for sure, but maybe only his cold blank look was enough.

One night, deciding that he needed some kind of distraction, or at least to leave his small cold apartment, Marc found a gay bar, not far away. He wasn't sure why he decided to drive up there; he wasn't looking for a company, still not being able to handle man's touch that wasn't Kay's. Surely not to dance, he was never into that dancing and he also wasn't in the mood for that. The place was small and dark, with the bar area, small dance floor and a spacious bathroom, since it was a main reason why the guys showed up there- seeking some action. Marc was not one of them. After a quick look around, he settled on the bar stool not even glancing at the dancing men.

After his second scotch Marc was thinking about leaving, since he was still not in the mood for dancing or seeking company, when suddenly someone bumped into him, quite roughly.

"-Hey, look were you're going…",Marc said turning to face the guy, but his words suddenly died on his lips when he saw a man standing next to him- Kay.

"-I'm sorry man", the guy with long blond hair in his twenties told him and Marc tried not to think, who he was, and if he's more than just a friend or a dance partner to Kay,

"-Marc. What are you doing here?", Kay suddenly asked and his friend glanced between them,

"-You two know each other?", the guy asked and it showed that he was not just a stranger for a night,

"-We work together", Kay decided to explain and Marc felt jealousy burning painfully in his chest. It didn't occur to him that Kay might be in the bar or that he might have a boyfriend.

"-Hay, I'm Sam", the guy extended his hand smiling friendly and Marc tried to remember how to breath, totally ignoring the extended hand at him. Any other day he would recognize that he was being rude and it just showed how affected he was, but in that moment he couldn't even care.

"-I was just having a drink. But I was already leaving. I'll see you at work", Marc murmured under his breath, suddenly avoiding to look at Kay or his friend. He needed air. He needed to escape. Grabbing his jacket he quickly hurried out, trying not to run like a coward and jealous ex, which he totally was.

That night Marc got totally drunk back at his place and even got to call in sick, since he would be too hangover to work. He knew it would be an obvious sign to Kay, how affected Marc was, that he couldn't even come into work. But since Kay had ignored him all this time, he might not even notice. And it actually hurt even more. Lying across his mattress with the splitting headache, Marc finally admitted to himself how much he missed Kay, how much he still cared for him and wanted him.

Two years later Marc was yet again reminded of that excruciating pain, when he found Kay's apartment cleared out. He thought he could do it, be around him, work with him, and see him every day, without a permission to touch, to kiss, and to see his smile. But it seems like wasn't strong enough.

Now at work Marc was too avoiding Kay. And it was almost too easy to do it. He volunteered for extra work, to work with different teams and different tasks. If needed he left early or stayed behind, just to avoid Kay, just to be as far as possible. The team didn't ask questions, maybe Kay gave them some kind of explanation, or maybe guys just decided not to get involved in some silent war. It still hurt, even more than before, it was still hard to focus and hard to breath, his heart still hammered in his chest and he still got totally drunk when he came back home.

After a very successful mission the whole team decided to go out for a celebration. Of course marc wasn't in them mood but he could at least try to get to know the guys and become a part of their group. Besides there will be a bar and he could at least spend a couple of hours nursing some drinks. They decided on a bowling bar, where would be plenty of other people and Marc might even try to ignore Kay.

They split in two teams since there were too many of them to sit around together and play in the same alley. Of course Marc accidentally happened to play on the different team than Kay. But they were still close enough and Marc was too aware of Kay's voice as he chatted with teammates or laughed together on some jokes. It didn't help that Kay happened to be perfect in bowling, shooting strike after strike, receiving applause and compliments for his skills. And Marc saw only one option- to numb himself with alcohol.

Starting with beer and eventually switching it with scotch. It started to affect his game, not that he was that good to begin with. After his first scotch, when his hands started to shake and he barely could walk in straight, the guys asked him to step aside and vacate his chair for a better player. He didn't mind, actually quite glad to have a reason and excuse to leave. He decided to finish his second scotch at the bar, before leaving. He didn't have anything to drink at home, and no one would sell alcohol to a drunkard.

Marc was paying for his drinks and trying to put on his jacket when one of his coworkers show up by his side. "-Easy man", Oliver grabbed on his shoulders, helping him to stand still,

"-I'm fine", Marc growled pushing him away and stepping from a bar,

"-You can barely stand, let me help you", Oliver insisted holding him around his waist and leading him outside. Being a bit taller and bulkier than Marc, he was basically carrying him outside. "-Why did you decided to drink this much in the first place?", Oliver asked as they finally exited outside, of course Marc wasn't going to answer him, being this drunk he couldn't make up a proper lie.

"-Is this because of Kay?", Marc quickly looked up at Oliver, trying to read if he knew anything, or if he was just guessing. "-Look, I'm not blind. There's obviously a black cat that crossed between you two", Marc stayed silent while Oliver set him on a nearby bench, that he could call a cab for him.

"-I know about what Kay is", suddenly Oliver said and his voice made Marc to stare at him curiously. There was no need to explain; even drunk Marc understood what he meant. "-Is that what this is?", Oliver asked and Marc almost laughed, if he would decide to came out as gay, it wouldn't be like this. "-Are you homophobic?", Oliver suddenly asked and Marc almost choked in shock. That was the last thing he needed, to be mistaken up with someone like Limpinski.

"-No", he just said firmly, but he wasn't going to explain. Even if Oliver was ok with homosexuals, Marc wasn't going to tell him his tragic love story.

"-Well, whatever it is, you need to cut it out and make truce. We are on the same team and we need to depend on each other", Oliver said seriously and Marc knew he was right. "-Just be a man and do what you have to", Oliver added before helping him to get in a cab and waved goodbye. Marc sighed resting his head on the seats and wishing it would be this easy.

Marc tried to become more social and friendly, he started to chat with his teammates and even spend some of his free time together. He was still not a part of their group like others, but he tried to become a part of their conversations and jokes and even drink less, at least in their present. Of course he still avoided Kay, kind of like those two years ago, but he did his best.

One Friday the guys were celebrating the fact that one of their teammates becomes a father, just like he had celebrated the birth of his own son. "-Marc, do you have kids?", one guy asked, since Marc avoided sharing the facts about his personal life,

"-Yeah, I have a son August. He had recently turned two", Marc admitted without any enthusiasm, hoping that they won't ask any more questions. Explaining why he had never married Bettina always turned out to be tricky and awkward. Maybe because he was always trying to make up a lie.

"-So you have to come with us then", the guys decided not taking no for an answer as they planned a trip to a local bar. Marc just nodded with a tight smile. If he wanted to become a part of their group he had to put more effort in it. Couple hours in a local bar, where he could allow himself a bottle of beer didn't sound that horrible.

He was seated between couple of guys around the big table, nursing a bottle of cheap beer, listening to a very manly conversation about woman, cars, sports and their police work. It was worse than it sounded. He had promised to stay for at least couple of hours, but he was going crazy after the first half an hour and he couldn't even join a darts game, since Kay was there with Oliver and couple other guys.

"-So Marc, do you have a woman?", the guys asked as they chatted about their wives and girlfriends,

"-No, not at the moment", Marc said, hoping they would hear his unwillingness to talk, "-And what about the mother of your child?", but unfortunately they didn't.

"-Seems like having a child together is not a big reason enough for a marriage", Marc said dryly, finishing up his beer. He promised not to drink too much, but if they would continue to these subjects he might not fulfill his promise.

"-So you are enjoying your single life then? Picking up different chicks?", the guys laughed, since some of them had a lot more to drink,

"-Not really my style", Marc commented under his breath, his thoughts drifting up to Kay, how he probably spend his free time in the clubs dancing, getting high and picking up the guys. Unless he had a boyfriend, like that guy Sam, spending their time together, dancing, getting high, fucking like animals. The image gripped painfully on Marc's chest.

"-Don't be so modest. Single, young, good looking, a police officer. Chicks dig into that. You'd be a full not to use that", the guys joke around, since all of them were taken and could only dream to be like Marc. Accept Marc himself wouldn't mind to be in a relationship, preferably with Kay.

"-Yeah, I guess so", Marc nodded, not really in the mood to disagree and destroy the guy's perfect image of him. For some reason he decided to glance up at the darts area, wanting to see Kay, but as he raised his head, he was shocked to see Kay standing right by their table, listening to their conversation, and even looking at Marc. His heart hammered in his chest quickly, sounding too loud in his ears.

"-So who wants another drink? The next round is on me", Marc offered cheerfully and the guys agreed enthusiastically, clapping on his back and raising their glasses in salute. Marc was just looking for an excuse to get away, especially from Kay.

He was hoping he won't decide to follow him, even if it was not very likely, since Kay liked to avoid Marc as much as he did. Getting to the bar, he ordered drinks for his teammates and got himself a glass of scotch, needing to numb himself before he could came back to the table. He hoped not to meet Kay's eyes yet again, and not to see him at all, cause then Marc would have to get more than one drink or even find and excuse for leaving.

"-Maybe you should slow down", Marc didn't have to face him to know it was Kay, even in the loud bar he could hear his voice loud and clear. Afraid that he might snap at Kay for no reason, accept that he's existing, Marc decided to stay silent.

"-So will you just keep ignoring me?", Kay asked and Marc couldn't understand his sudden change of heart. He couldn't think about it, he couldn't handle analyzing it and make any kind of conclusions,

"-You were doing the great job of pretending I don't exist yourself", Marc snapped while paying for the drinks and trying to get away from him as fast as possible,

"-Look, we are working together. We could try to be frie…", Marc angrily snarled at Kay, before he could even finish his sentence. His blood was boiling in anger, hurt, jealousy and earning,

"-Friends? Did you really just offered us to be friends?", Marc sneered darkly as he stepped closer to Kay, wanting to be intimidating and threatening, but it just caused Marc's heart to beat faster and his breathing to hitch. There in the middle of dimly lit bar, wearing dark t-shirt and a brown leather jacket, standing so close that Marc could count his long blond eyelashes, Kay looked impossibly beautiful. He was suddenly so overwhelmed by Kay's closeness and how attractive he looked; he couldn't decide what he wanted to do more- to hit him or to kiss him.

"-I don't want to be friends", Marc said trying to sound cold, angry and irritated as much as possible, but he was almost sure that he failed. Grabbing a tray from the bar, he quickly took the drinks to his teammates, and stammering an excuse that he needed a cigarette he quickly stepped outside. But as he light his cigarette he didn't stopped by the trashcan, but kept on walking and walking, trying to calm his nerves and forget Kay, his big blue eyes, his full raspberry lips, his short blond hair, his light stubble and his hard body.

Marc was going crazy. His head was dizzy and his chest hurt thinking of Kay, he didn't wanted to but he was drowning how much he missed him, his touches, his kisses, his lips, hands and body. It hurt how much he wanted him but knew full well that he can't and probably never will. Tears welled up in his eyes as he dialed a number of an escort company, ordering a girl for a night. He knew well that she won't satisfy the need that he felt and won't give him a pleasure that he seeks. But she might stop him from thinking of Kay and it was good enough.

The girl was great, young and beautiful, with almond eyes, luscious blond hair, curvy body and sexy voice. Three years ago he would've been blown away by her beauty and skills, now it was kind of sad and disappointing. Because as Marc finally fall onto his bed, totally wasted and still breathless after fucking, Kay was still the only one he could see, when he closed his eyes.

A day later, when Marc showed up work, he was fighting a slight hangover, not that big to be obvious or cutting into his work. He had stopped at the pharmacy before coming into work to buy some pills, but his headache wasn't going away and his eyes were still sensitive to the light. If it would've happened couple months or weeks ago, he would've worked as usually and no one would've told the difference. But now the guys were surrounding him, asking for his excuse why he disappeared so suddenly the other night, and noticing his not full heath, asking him about it, being concerned and worried. On top of that Kay decided to forget his usual ignoring tactic and stared at him the whole day, wherever it be across the room or across the town square.

Marc needed space away from Kay, now more than ever, since he was so suddenly reminded how much he missed the other man, and how much he still wanted him. He didn't wanted to hurt Kay any more, but if he'll have to be rough and cruel to get rid of his staring look and sudden wish to be friends, he won't have any other choice.

He deliberately stayed behind, wanting everyone to leave early, especially Kay. Dallying getting ready, he was on purpose the last one to get into showers, seeing Kay naked, was the last thing he needed right now. And besides with his weaken state, he didn't really trust himself not to get a boner even for his other teammates, even if he wasn't attracted to them sexually. Marc was seriously considering transferring back to his old job or start looking for a new one. Beings as fucked up as he was, he probably would regret it very quickly, missing Kay, wanting to see him, even if right now he was doing everything to avoid him.

His hair was still damp from the shower, as he was dressing in the locker room, looking forward to come back home and get drunk yet again. Usually he would be driving home today to see his son, but since the last time he was slightly hangover, Bettina decided to cut down this one visit, hoping it would be a good enough punishment for him to stop drinking this much. Unfortunately Marc didn't have that much faith in himself, even if his son was the only one he had on this earth.

"-Did you finally sober up?", a sudden voice took him by surprise, but Marc had enough will power not to turn around and face Kay's disappointed and angry expression, that he knew he wore. Marc grid his teeth, holding himself back from an angry comeback.

"-You're not gonna say anything?", Kay asked yet again and Marc tried really hard to ignore him, "-Oh, that's right. We're not friends", Kay said sarcastically and Marc yet again wished to hit him, that he would just leave him alone. He picked up his jacket, locked up his locker and left, ignoring Kay and not once glancing back.

"-Where are you going? Some filthy bar to get drunk or maybe you'll just drink at home?", Kay unfortunately decided to follow him, like some voice of conscious. Marc just grid his teeth, fasting his steps. "-Is that kind of father August deserves?", Kay asked stepping over the line,

"-Don't talk about my son", Marc yelled turning around and glaring at him angrily, "-You know nothing. Go back to your life, full of dancing, men and drugs", he kept on yelling, stepping closer to Kay, wanting to just beat him up, "-Go back to pretending that I don't exist", he yelled one more time as he raised his hand to punch Kay, but Kay's face expression, without a hint of fear or anger stopped him. So Marc just turned around and started walking away across the silent parking lot.

"-Come on Marc, where are you going? Come and hit me, if you think it would help. Or better get totally wasted. But it wouldn't change the fact that you're gay", Kay kept on shouting at him, walking behind him, not caring if anyone might hear their conversation in the police parking lot.

"-Shut up", Marc yelled turning around right beside his car, "-Why the fuck do you still care? I hurt you, used you and even hit you", Marc yelled, fighting back the tears that he felt welling up in his eyes, "-Just go back to your fucking boyfriend", Marc yelled one last time, feeling how he's losing it, he wasn't sure if he could handle the conversation any longer, so he just quickly got into his car and drove away, ignoring Kay shouting his name.

Marc couldn't stop the tears, running down his face, as he kept on drinking inside his living room. He hated him. He hated Kay, for being right, for still caring. He didn't deserve it, he deserved to be hated and lose his son, for being such a shitty father. Fuck, he needed to get it together; he couldn't lose his boy, when he was the only one left that mattered. He had nothing else. He lost Bettina, he lost Kay, he lost his friends, with drinking he might even lose he job, but he couldn't lose his son.

Glancing down at the bottle in his hand, Marc yelled and threw it across the room, making the bottle to shatter against the wall across. The remaining liquid and glass scattered in the large radius and Marc covered his face with both hands, crying into his palms.

Marc woke up disoriented, not sure what woke him, or even where he was. Hearing a loud noise he blinked several times, trying to clear his head and focus. Craning his neck, he set up, noticing he fall asleep right there against the wall, literally crying himself to sleep. His body was stiff and the smell made him nauseous. Looking around the room, he saw the shattered glass still covering his floor and the liquid dry out, leaving a sticky spot.

The loud noise shook him and looking around his apartment, he finally realized it was the door. Someone was banging on it loudly and even yelling from the other side. Groaning he slowly got up and holding by the walls he finally made his way to the door, wishing the sound to stop which made his head to throb painfully. "-I'm coming", Marc shouted in a raspy voice as he finally reached the lock and tried to make it work,

"-What?", Marc asked irritated as he finally opened the doors and blinked slowly, trying to focus on who was standing in front of him.

"-Marc, are you ok? What happened?", Marc groaned as he finally recognized Kay's blue eyes and his worried voice,

"-I'm fine, what do you want?", Marc tried to sound angry, but he was too tired to fight right now,

"-What took you so long to answer the doors? I was knocking for the last fifteen minutes. I was even considering about kicking the doors", Kay said sounding too worried and concerned for Marc likening,

"-I was sleeping", Marc groaned wishing he would have more energy to kick Kay out, "-Now you can go and leave me the fuck alone", Marc said trying to close the doors, but Kay pushed against it with his hand, stepping closer,

"-The fuck I will", Kay said grabbing on Marc's chin and forcing him to meet his eyes, "-Have you been drinking?", Kay asked more worried than judging,

"-None of your business", Marc groaned stepping back and shaking Kay's hand away, but Kay wasn't listening, he pushed Marc aside and stepped inside his apartment, stinking of the spilled scotch.

"-What happened here?", Kay asked obviously indicating the shattered glass,

"-Nothing of your concern. Say what you came here to say and leave", Marc said leaning against the wall to support his heavy body.

"-I'm not going anywhere. You're mess, got wasted in just couple of hours. You need help", Kay said stepping closer, holding him by the waist and dragging him to the bathroom, totally ignoring Marc's protest. Marc was too weak to fight stronger and determined Kay; he could only fight with words, while Kay undressed him and pushed him inside the shower.

"-Jesus Marc", Kay cursed as he held Marc in the shower, so much skinnier than he remembered, "-Is that why you avoided me in the showers?", Kay asked and Marc snorted, he wished it would be the only reason he couldn't handle seeing Kay naked. "-Or you just couldn't handle seeing my perfect body?", Kay asked in a joking matter like they were just old buds, but Marc didn't felt like laughing, more like the opposite. He tilted his head towards, allowing the water to hit directly on his face.

"-Come on, let's get you dry out", Kay said, shutting of the water and helping him to step out, starting drying him with a big fluffy towel, like some kid. Marc wanted to cry or hit something that Kay saw it so easy to be this close and even while being naked, when he was fighting back on his every cell not to jump on Kay and ravish him right there in his bathroom.

Dressed in a big bathrobe Marc was led to the living room and set on the couch, while Kay went to the kitchen and brought him a glass of water and some pills. "-You should eat, but your kitchen is empty, so we should order something up", Kay said as he watched Marc swallowing the pills,

"-You don't have to do that. None of it. Just go home and leave me alone", Marc said, not wanting to be close to Kay, when he couldn't have him. He was telling the truth, he doesn't want them to be friends.

"-To whom? My boyfriend?", Kay asked curiously and Marc hoped that his flinch at the word wasn't visible.

"-I don't care. Just get out", Marc said a bit louder, needing for Kay to leave as soon as possible,

"-Marc, please tell me that you're not drinking because you're jealous?", Kay asked louder, sounding almost angry and Marc almost breathed out in relief, he could deal with anger, but not with caring.

"-I'm not. You're not the center of my universe. Just leave, leave me alone. It's your entire fault", Marc started yelling again, feeling how tears yet again welled in his eyes, but he wasn't strong enough to stop them. "-You ruined everything. I had a great life. I had Bettina, a baby on a way, my friends, and my job. But you had to show up and ruin everything", Mac kept on yelling with tears starting to roll down his face, but Kay just set there listening, "-And then you just left, leaving me with nothing", Marc yelled one last time before he started crying harder.

"-Shhh…I'm here", Kay said, gathering him in his arms and allowing Marc to cry on his shoulder, holding onto him for support. "-I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere", Kay whispered softly into his ear, holding him tightly and running his palm over Marc's hand in soothing circles.

"-Why, why are you here?", Marc asked in a raspy voice as he ran out of tears, he finally risked raising his head and looking Kay in the eye, he was shocked by the warmth he saw there,

"-Because I care Marc. I care so much. Please let me to be there for you. Don't shut me out", Kay pleaded, sitting just inches apart, with his hand still running up and down on Marc's arm. Marc looked away, searching for words; he was shocked that Kay still cared for him, after all this time.

"-How can you care after what I did. After what I said?", Marc asked not daring to look up,

"-It was my fault too. I pushed you too much. You weren't ready it was all new to you and I asked you to give it all away for me. I should have been more patient and understanding", Kay said

"-No, you were right. I was selfish. I wanted my old life and I wanted you. I couldn't have it all", Marc said sadly remembering how naïve he was, hoping he could have Kay but still protect others from hurting.

"-I know it's scary. But it's not a reason to drink it away. Don't ruin your life. You deserve to be happy", Kay said but Marc just shook his head. He couldn't image being happy anytime soon.

"-It's late, you should leave", Marc said dryly, he couldn't keep on talking about happiness with Kay, who found his in the arms of some guy named Sam, when Marc only wished for Kay.

"-Marc?", Kay asked, probably surprised at the coldness of Marc's voice,

"-Just leave. It's Sunday, I'm sure you would rather spend it in the clubs, getting high with Sam", Marc shouted, angrily and cold, not being able to hide his feelings,

"-Oh my God, you're jealous", Kay suddenly said in awe and Marc clenched his fists wanting to throw Kay out, his patients running out, feeling like an animal locked in a cage.

"-Yeah, happy? I'm finally admitting that I'm gay. Now get out", Marc yelled before he could even register the words leaving his mouth. All he cared was to make Kay to leave

"-Marc, I don't have a boyfriend", Kay quickly said, noticing Marc's sudden violent mood. "-Sam is my sponsor, I'm trying to quit drugs and get clean", Kay explained softly, Marc just shook his head.

"-Don't care. Just leave", Marc shouted, refusing to believe and avoiding looking Kay in the eye,

"-The hell you don't care", Kay shouted back stepping closer and grabbing on Marc's shoulders, "-You care, just like I care about you too", Kay said trying to force Mar's eyes to stay on his, "-I forgive you", Kay said softly after a long time of silence and Marc finally stopped struggling and looked him in the eye. "-I forgive you", Kay repeated sincerely, allowing Marc too see the emotions in his eyes, "-Can you forgive me?", Kay asked softly and Marc felt like crying all over again. It probably means he is after all gay, being so overly emotional like some girl. "-Marc?", Kay asked wondering what he was thinking, while bringing up his hands and caressing Marc's cheek softly.

Marc being too emotional to talk just fisted on Kay's shirts and pulled him in for a kiss. Hot and fast, wanting to taste as much as he can, afraid that Kay might pull away and he might never taste him ever again. But Kay didn't even think about stopping, opening his mouth he welcomed Marc's tongue, deepening the kiss and angling his head for a better reach. As the moan of pleasure suddenly left someone's mouth, it was the point of no returning, they pulled each other closer, hands traveling all over and ripping off each other's clothes.

The need to touch, to feel, and to taste was over powering everything else, they didn't care of preparing or finding a comfortable position, as soon as the condom was put on, they quickly started fucking, pulling on one another, hands roaming the skin, mouth searching mouth. Needing each other more, than ever before. They didn't stop for hours, never getting enough of each other's body, the taste and the feeling of the other so close, limb by limb, skin by skin.

They were lying in bed, to where they migrated after the round three, or maybe it was the round four, dozing off to a much needed sleep, still holding on one another, sweat and cum gluing their skins together, when Marc suddenly spoke up, "-I love you", he wasn't sure why he decided to say it, maybe he was too overwhelmed by emotions, feeling it so strongly he couldn't stay silent, maybe because he thought Kay was already asleep, maybe because he never told him before, or maybe for entirely different reason. But Marc didn't regret it, especially after Kay turned in his arms and gave him a passionate loving kiss, murmuring the words right back at him, "-I love you too".