1. The Maintenance Department respectfully asks that whoever is stopping the personnel elevator between floors at least once a week please stop – the circuits and brakes are getting overloaded.

2. At the request of the chief medical examiner, the autopsy suite is not to be used for re-enactments of "Thriller." Or "Weekend at Bernie's." Or the "bring out your dead" scene from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail."

3. Staff are invited to attend an anger management seminar on Thursday, March 22 at 10 a.m. (Attendance is mandatory for the head of the Major Case Response Team.)

4. Due to circumstances beyond Supply's control, we are unfortunately unable to arrange for daily deliveries of the beverage "Caf-Pow."

5. Appropriate use of the computers and other in-house technology is crucial to the efficient running of NCIS. Employees are asked to refrain from inappropriate use, including, but not limited to:

-Playing multiplayer role-playing games (RPGs).

-Doing Google searches for "how to kill my idiot co-workers and make it look like an accident."

-Downloading back issues of GSM magazine.

-Exchanging theories on online forums about crop circles and the paranormal.

-Working on drafts of a future best-selling novel that is obviously based on NCIS matters.

-Watching old episodes of "The Man from U.N.C.L.E." and "Sapphire and Steel" on YouTube.

6. Human Resources has asked that employees refrain from bringing noise-cancelling headphones to mandatory seminars.

7. The screens in the main squad room and MTAC are not to be used for all-day John Hughes movie marathons.

8. The inter-agency volleyball league between NCIS and the FBI has been disbanded due to an overwhelming number of players sent to the emergency room during games. In a related matter, Agent Tobias Fornell has promised amnesty to whoever admits to spray-painting "Navy Yard rules, Quantico drools" on his car during the May 14 game.

9. The wellness team regrets to announce that the planned seminar on decreasing your caffeine intake has been canceled due to lack of interest, and a large number of emails to the effect of "You can have my coffee/Caf-Pow/energy drink/tin of Fortnum and Mason's best Earl Grey when you pry it from my cold, dead hands."