Title: The Scoundrel Gentleman

Summary: Six has been trying to show Five how a gentleman should treat a lady. Three decides to give her his own lesson on the subject, with all of the stuff he's sure Six hasn't told her.

Rating: T

Disclaimer: Dark Matter was created by Joseph Mallozzi and Paul Mullie. I make no money off this work of fan fiction.

Notes: A bit of fluff. Set somewhere in S2.

"Where are you going, kid? You're all dressed up."

Five glanced at Three as he fell in step beside her and hoped she wouldn't stumble in the heels she'd borrowed from Two. She couldn't figure out how Two walked in them for more than a few steps. Already, the shoes were hurting her feet. She much preferred her own boots. "I have a date."

"A date?" He chuckled. "Uh-huh. With who?"

"With Six."

He grasped her arm, stopping her. "A date."

It was a request for clarification and she told him. "Not a real date. It's like a pretend one. He's teaching me the proper way for a gentlemen to treat a lady so I know for in the future."

"Is that right? The proper way." He released her. "This I've got to see."

He followed her into the dining area, got a cup of coffee from the pot they tried to keep going at all hours, and sat in one of the chairs at the far end of the room. "Pretend I'm not here." He stretched his legs out, crossed his ankles, and watched them with an amused expression, like he thought this was going to be entertaining.

Six sighed a little, shook his head, and turned his attention to her. "You look lovely tonight, Five."

"Thank you." She smiled. The date that wasn't one got underway. He dished up food for her, engaged her in conversation that was heavy on her likes, and tried to ignore Three.

This was a fun idea. It gave her a chance to dress up and be treated like she was an adult. Finally. They kept jumping back and forth on it. Some days they acted like she was an adult and other days they tried to keep her a kid. It was annoying. One of these days, they were all going to have to admit that she wasn't a kid by the standard definition. She'd never been that standard definition.

These lessons were for when she left the crew for a normal life. Or so Six still maintained. He wanted far more for her than being on this ship. There was a life out there for her to have if she wanted it. She didn't have to have their life as hers.

He just didn't listen when she said she did want it. So she went along with these various lessons. It gave him the feeling that he was doing something proactive for her and she fully appreciated the thought around it. It was sweet. Misguided, but sweet.

He kept telling her that she should demand respect from any man who wished to date her. He told her she was worth treating with respect and these lessons were so she could see the difference between a gentleman and a scoundrel. She thought she probably had a good handle on the scoundrel example. Three seemed to be the definition of the word.

She glanced across the room at him. He wiggled his fingers at her and sipped his coffee. Five smothered a giggle, but it wasn't long before she couldn't hold them back. Three must be in some sort of mood, because he was definitely misbehaving.

Six turned his head, looking at Three with annoyance. "Do you mind?"

"Nope. Never have. Except once with this super hot and bendy blond. I minded pretty well when she wanted me to. Bendy, you know?" He shrugged his brows in a suggestive manner.

Another giggle threatened.

"We're trying to have a serious evening here."

"There's your problem right there. There are too many serious evenings. Lighten it up." Getting up, he went to pour more coffee. "You should be doing fun things. Like watching movies and playing cards. None of this buttoned up serious crap."

"I'll take that under advisement," Six said, cutting a bite of his chicken.

"You do that." As he passed by Six, to return to the chairs at the far end, he slapped him on the back so hard that Six winced.

Six muttered something under his breath that Five didn't quite catch, but it sounded a lot like 'get back at you later'. "Just…don't look at him," he advised after a minute. "It'll only encourage him."

Actually, Three needed no encouragement to be obnoxious. He did it all on his own. The rest of the evening was spent trying not to giggle as Three continued to be disruptive and when she was finally back in her room by herself, she gave in to those giggles.

"I'll take over from here," Three told Six when he returned from escorting Five back to her quarters.

"Take over?" He got a cup and poured some coffee, then joined Three at the table.

"Yeah, take over. Give the next lesson." He took a bite of the leftovers. "What's this spice I'm tasting," he asked with his mouth full. "There's pepper, salt, some garlic…."

Six almost regretted not trying to hide the leftovers, but since Three tended to dig and see what was still edible, it probably wouldn't have done any good. He would've found it sooner or later. Six rested his chin on one hand. "Rosemary."

"Huh. It's not bad."

"Pleased you approve of my cooking." He'd bought the ingredients and made it just for Five to enjoy. She wasn't a big eater though, so there'd been plenty left, which Three was thoroughly plowing through. It was almost fascinating watching him eat when there was plenty of food available. Glutton had to be his middle name.

Three paused in eating and glanced over at him. "That sounded a little like sarcasm."

"You think?"

He shrugged and reached for one of the rolls. "Are these from scratch?"

"No. You're not taking over the next lesson."

"Why not? I've got things to teach her." The roll was torn into three pieces.

"Things appropriate for a sixteen year old?"

He slid his empty plate away and popped one piece of the roll in his mouth. "Yeah. I know plenty of things appropriate for a sixteen year old."

"Why? You've shown no interest in the project in the past weeks."

"Because I think there are some gaps in the curriculum."

"Gaps you can fill?"

"Yup."

"You have no idea what was in the curriculum."

He put the last of the roll in his mouth, dragged over the pan with the brownies in it, and dug right in with his fork. "How hard can it be? It's dinner."

Six sat back and crossed his arms, considering all of the ways that Three could mess it up. Probably not too bad. Maybe it'd even be a good illustration for five of how a scoundrel behaved. "Okay. You want to contribute. You can take over the next lesson."

"Great, but I wasn't really asking permission. I was going to do it anyway."

"It's a nice dinner on the space station we're docking with in two days."

"Not a problem."

"And a show of some kind. Tasteful."

"I can do that."

"Not in the strip club."

"You're acting like you don't think I know how to treat a lady. I think I'm offended by that assumption."

Six raised his brows and didn't reply.

"What are you doing," Two asked, watching Three actually shave some of the scruff from his jaw and slap on aftershave. The scruff would be back within a day.

"Getting with the program."

"What program? Five says she has a date with you. She wanted to borrow my shoes again."

"Six's program. You know. The gentleman-lady thing? I'm giving the next lesson. I'm taking her onto the station. Dinner, show. I might even get her flowers, although I suspect chocolate pudding would be a better choice. We never have leftovers of that with her around."

"Only because she beats you to them." Crossing her arms, she frowned. He was up to something, but for the life of her she couldn't figure out what. "If you embarrass her in any way-"

"Relax. How could I possibly embarrass her?"

She opened her mouth to start listing the many ways.

"Don't answer that. If I embarrass her, and I won't, it won't be intentional."

"You're really taking her to dinner?"

"I am."

"You didn't lose a bet or something?"

"Nope. I volunteered. I'm taking her to a good restaurant, too. One of the snooty ones that requires reservations. The food'll probably suck in proportion to the price, but best she learns to appreciate the cheaper stuff now."

"Are you feeling okay?"

"I'm fine." He sorted out money and put it in his pocket. "I just got to thinking that Six isn't the only one who knows how to treat a lady."

"Sure. But she's not old enough for how you like to treat a lady."

Three turned a wounded look her way. "I know how to treat a lady. What kind of scummy jackass do you think I am? She's only sixteen. She's a kid. I may be a scummy jackass, but I'm not that kind of scummy jackass."

Two held up her hands. "Sorry for impugning upon your character."

"Apology accepted." He drew on his jacket. It was the leather one. He wasn't wearing a suit, but his outfit was decent enough for one of those fancy restaurants.

"You clean up nicely," she observed. Really nicely, if she was being completely honest with herself. He looked good.

"Flattery will get you in my pants, but it'll have to wait until I get back from my date."

"You'll be waiting awhile."

"If you'll excuse me, I have to go pick up my date. A gentleman is always on time."

She bit her lip to keep from laughing and followed him down the hall to Five's door. He was doing a decent impression of the way Six walked and talked. He knocked, greeted Five, and offered her his arm.

Five laughed and took it. They moved off down the corridor.

Two studied her until they went around the corner and were out of sight. Five did look nice. She'd curled her hair, put on makeup, and her dress wasn't clashing with the leggings she was wearing like it usually did. Two hoped Five had a good time and went to the bridge to discuss a few things with the Android.

"Did you look at her? Don't look at her."

"Three," Five hissed, but not because she was embarrassed. It was because their server looked like he was going to wet himself.

"He was ogling you. That's not respectful." One finger pointed at him. "Apologize for ogling her."

The kid stammered an apology and fairly ran from the dining room. Five was pretty sure they'd have yet another server after this. Three had already made two other guys her age apologize for disrespectful behavior of some kind. Each course came with a new server. They had two courses left.

"Don't ever let a guy get away with that. Give us an inch, we're taking a mile, and the next thing you know, we've copped a feel or two and are talking you out of your panties."

She opened her mouth, but couldn't think of a thing to say. This wasn't exactly the sort of conversational tactic Six had been taking. It was informative, however, and a lot juicier of a conversation than she was usually allowed to hear. They crew tended to edit their conversations and talk in innuendo that she wasn't sure she was translating correctly. It was aggravating, so this conversation was refreshing and sort of cool. He was really talking to her like an adult!

"Believe me, I know what I'm talking about." Three took a long pull off his beer and whiskey drink. "My record of getting a woman naked, as far as I remember anyway, is two minutes and only because her bra had this weird clasp thing on it. Without that clasp I think it could've been just over a minute."

"Just over a minute," she repeated, nodding her head. "Okay."

"It's a personal best. Point is, we men only want one thing and chances are, we're going to try to sucker you into giving it. It's how we're wired. So make sure you always buy the bras with the weird clasps." He looked down at her plate. "Are you done with that?"

Five handed the plate to him.

He kept thinking of more things to tell her, like 'if he cops a feel without asking, punch him in the throat' and 'south of the border is off-limits unless you want him to go there; if he ignores the word no on that, punch him in the throat'. He figured if he told her what she'd need to do, Four could show her how to actually implement the strategies during her self-defense lessons.

"South of the border," Five asked, looking up at him as they walked along the shops section. They were walking slowly due to the ridiculously high heels Two had loaned her. He'd already had to discreetly steady her a few times when she'd almost lost her balance.

Three stopped her in front of the storefront of a popular women's lingerie store. He pointed to the mannequin in the window, illustrating with a gesture. "This area right here is the border."

"You mean the bikini line?"

"The border," he corrected.

"Why do you call it the border?"

"Because it's the border to…." He stopped himself. "My explanation probably isn't appropriate for a sixteen year old."

She nodded. "Okay. No crossing the border."

"Unless you want him to. Anything other than you wanting it gets a throat punch."

"Throat punch. Got it."

"You sure?"

"Mm-hmm."

"See if you can get Four and Nyx to help you practice that this week. That's your homework."

She frowned. "Six never gives me homework."

"I am just that much more dedicated to your education, kid."

They walked for awhile longer.

"Where are we going," Five asked, "because it seems like we're just wandering around and my feet are starting to hurt."

"I saw a store that looked interesting when I was here this morning." All of the corridors looked the same and Three tried to mentally retrace his steps. He knew he'd passed the lingerie store, but was it left or right at the end of this corridor?

"Am I old enough to go in it?"

He smiled a little. They all liked to think they knew him so well. "What kind of stores do you think I go in, kid?" He decided left was the way to go.

"I don't know," she admitted with a little shrug. "Liquor store, gun store…the ones Two buys her underwear in. You know, the ones that don't allow anyone under twenty-one to go in."

"She buys her underwear in one of those places? Huh. I'll have to remember that…." He made a noise of satisfaction. The store he was looking for was up ahead on the left and he placed a hand on her lower back to nudge her forward as he gestured with the other. "There it is."

It was a small place, tucked between two bigger stores, and was devoted to hard to find entertainment. Five's face seemed to light up in delight.

"No way!"

"Let's see what they have." Three went directly to the vintage horror. The selection was supposed to be large and diverse, including some golden oldies from a very long time ago. He had his doubts that they'd actually have what he was looking for.

Five followed him, plucking cards off the rack to read the descriptions. "What are you looking for? Anything specific? Ooh, can we get this one?"

He glanced through the description, but as it was far too close to the crew's experience on that supposed 'salvage operation', he put it back. "Not this time."

"But it has zombies."

"Pass. Zombies suck. Trust me. I was there."

Her lower lip stuck out in a brief pout. "Fine." The pout didn't last long. "These! I want these! It says they're original prints."

"Doubtful," he snorted, but as he looked at the cards, he thought that maybe, just maybe they actually were the original films. And they were ones he'd been looking for. "Put them on the pile."

An hour later, they had quite a pile of titles. It turned out her taste in entertainment was similar to his, though he'd had to put his foot down on the teen vampire ones. No way he wanted to watch some sappy vampire trilogy about some teen girl who was in love with a vampire and a werewolf. She'd have to get them herself if she wanted them.

"I didn't bring any money," Five said, staring down at the pile she had in her hands with a sad expression. It was the same expression she usually used when she was trying to get her way on something.

"Hand them over."

"Really?"

"Really. Besides, a lady doesn't pay for anything on her date."

"Great! I'll be right back." She hurried back over to the action section.

"You're a fast learner," he told her when she returned with two more titles.

"Hey, you said a lady doesn't pay for anything. I was just-"

"Taking advantage. Like I said, fast learner." He set all of the titles in front of the waiting clerk. It'd take a few minutes for their purchases to be loaded onto a storage device. "You're also an expensive date."

A smug little grin appeared. "You said…."

"I know. Do you know why a lady doesn't pay for anything?" At her negative nod, he elaborated. "The money that the guy pays out for dinner and stuff is a bribe. He's hoping that if he pays out enough, she'll let him in her panties." The clerk fumbled with the titles. They sprayed all across the desk area. Three grinned at him. "Am I right, or am I right?"

"I'll have this ready in just a minute…." was the reply.

"Are we killing time," Five asked, leaning down to look at the items beneath the glass of the desk area. "I thought we were going to see a show."

"We'll see a show," he assured her, paying. He hadn't been kidding. She really was an expensive date. She'd picked several expensive and actually rare titles, not to mention what he'd paid already throughout the day for this date that wasn't one. He pocketed the small package the clerk held out. "But I was thinking you'd prefer to go back to the ship, slip into something a little more comfortable than those torture devices on your feet, and stay up all night marathoning as many of these old movies as we can before we pass out from sugar crash and exhaustion."

"Do I ever! Do I get to pick what we watch?"

They left the store and started back towards where the Raza was docked.

"We'll alternate. You can pick the first one."

"Okay."

Three stopped her with one hand. "Wait. Don't be so quick to agree."

"Um…Why not?"

"Because agreeing that quickly to a change of plans like that can make a lady seem like a sure thing. If this was a real date, the guy would be getting some pretty raunchy ideas right about now. Agreeing quickly gives a guy ideas and the next thing you know, Horny Humperdink has developed ten hands that are all over you trying-"

"To get my panties off," she finished for him.

"Exactly."

"Who's Horny Humperdink?"

"He's the guy you're dating."

Her nose scrunched up in disgust. "Like I'd ever date a guy named Horny Humperdink."

"Hypothetically."

"Not even hypothetically."

"Fine. We'll call him Dirk Dumbass then, because he'd have to be a dumbass to try to mess with you after you apply what you're learning."

They got back to the ship and he escorted her to her quarters so she could change.

"Now, it's perfectly acceptable to let a guy kiss you on the first date. Anything beyond that is totally up to you." Leaning over, he placed the chastest kiss he'd ever given a girl on her cheek. At least in current memory. "I had a terrific time, Five, and would like to see you again soon," he said in his best, primmest imitation of Six.

"I had fun, too," Five said in an answering prim tone.

"I'll call you." He paused, then continued, "But don't really believe that for a second. Our idea of follow-up and yours? Two very different things. So-" There was the sound of a throat clearing and he looked over his shoulder to see Two watching them. He turned back to Five. "To recap what you've learned tonight. Your date went well, but Horny Humperdink copped a feel without asking. You…"

"Throat punch him. But his name isn't Horny Humperdink, it's Dirk Dumbass."

"Horny Humperdink," Two murmured.

"Right. Punch him hard, too. Or the dumbass is just wanting more than you're willing to give right then. It's always acceptable to…"

"Kick him in the balls," Five replied without hesitation.

"What if that doesn't work, though it usually will?"

"Punch him in the stomach. Or stomp on his foot as hard as I can to hopefully break his toes."

"And if after all of that he's still trying to get in your panties?"

"Maim him any way I possibly can, up to and including ripping an ear off and poking his eyes out. Oh, and if I have to bite, do so and draw blood. If I can take a chunk out even better."

He glanced at Two. She was wide eyed, watching like she couldn't believe what she was seeing. Three held up one finger at her. "There's more. Why should you do this, Five?"

"Because men are horny scum who want nothing more than to get in a girl's panties any way they can arrange it." She smiled, humor dancing in her eyes.

"Except…"

"The men on this ship, who'd never ever in a million years treat a woman in such a deplorable way because women are beautiful, delicate treasures who deserve to be treated like goddesses come to life."

"Exactly!" He put an arm around her shoulders in a half-hug and turned to face Two. "This kid is a star pupil. All she ever needs to know is right there. Throat punch, balls, stomach, maim. Goddesses."

Two crossed her arms. "Somehow I don't think that was exactly what Six was trying to teach her."

"Maybe not, but it's stuff every girl should know."

She shook her head. "Five, we'll talk later on the subject."

"Okay." Five pulled away and opened her door. "I'm going to change." She stepped through and looked back. "Ten minutes?"

"I'll have it cued up and popcorn ready."

She grinned wider and closed the door.

No one else would watch the movies with them, so they'd have all the popcorn to themselves. And he'd picked up candy that morning. Some old fashioned gummy worm things, jelly beans in strange flavors, and chocolate caramel pieces. A far nicer evening in his opinion than the snooty restaurant.

"Throat punches? Three."

"What? Guys get handsy. I know I do on occasion. She should have an idea how to handle such a situation." He dropped his jacket off in his room and continued on to the mess where he'd had the robot set up a viewing area while they were out at dinner.

"You're incorrigible. Do you know that?"

"Look, if she's going to be in this life, she has to be able to get out of some situations."

"Agreed, but I can just see some poor kid getting a little frisky in the future and ending up maimed for life because of your advice."

"Serves him right if he doesn't clear everything with her first. You want to watch a couple movies with us? We scored a copy of the original Exorcist and the original Jason X. Classics. Although they're probably just the reimagined reimagined versions they're passing off as the real ones. The vendor didn't look too on the up and up side."

"No, thank you. Enjoy your gory horror."

"It's not just gory horror. We picked up some action flicks, too. You can join us," he offered.

"Pass."

"Your loss," he told her as he went into the mess and began arranging things the way he wanted them. Candy and popcorn there, drinks there….

The sound of screaming made Two jerk awake. She got out of bed, went into the hall, and followed the sound to Five's room. The door was open, the only light coming from the flickering screen that been hastily transferred from the mess to here hours earlier. Three and Five had abandoned the mess as their theater when Six, Nyx, and Four had crashed their viewing party and started making comments about every part of that particular movie, being as obnoxious as Three usually was himself.

Three and Five were on the couch that ringed one section of the room. Five was sprawled on it, her head on pillows, a blanket half covering her. One hand dangled into what was left of a bowl of popcorn on the floor, one leg was on Three's lap, and she was asleep with her mouth open.

Three was still awake, drinking something in a cup. He turned the sound down and put his cup down. "Too loud?"

"A little. What are you watching?"

"The last few minutes of Jason X. It has a robot. Five loved it until she fell asleep."

"How long has she been asleep?"

"Just a few minutes. I think she finally crashed from the four pounds of old fashioned candy I bought her. For future reference, she likes the gummy candies the best, followed by the jelly beans."

"You didn't."

"I did, and I think you owe me an apology. A real one."

She bent, picking up a bowl that looked like it had the last of some pudding in it. Two sniffed it. Definitely pudding. "What for?" She put it with his cup.

"Thinking I don't know how to treat a lady."

"You told her to throat punch any guy who tries to cop a feel."

"Basic life skill and how a lady is treated is really all about the lady herself. This one right here likes candy, chocolate pudding, and bad movies. She also likes it when we pay attention to her and talk to her like she's an adult." He eased Five's leg off his lap. "Grab the pillows and blanket, will you?"

She did so as he got up, crouched, and lifted Five. They put her to bed, turned off the movie, and left her quarters, closing the door behind them. "That was a nice thing you did tonight." And he really was right. How a lady should be treated was all about who the lady herself was. Pretty insightful for a scoundrel.

"Don't tell anyone. It'll ruin my rep."

"Your secret's safe with me, Three."

He opened his door and paused. "Want to come ravish me now? My date's over."

"What was that sequence you told her? Throat punch, balls, stomach, maim?"

He chuckled. "That was it. I think I'll just say good night."

"A wise decision and yes, I apologize for thinking you don't know how to treat a lady." She smiled a little.

"Apology accepted." He jerked a thumb over his shoulder. "You sure you don't want to come in?"

"I'm sure."

"Because I know how to treat a lady." His gaze slid down her and back up, warm and a little sleepy.

Two laughed as she started towards her own quarters. "Go to bed, Three." He'd probably fall asleep the second he laid down.

"Is that an order? Because I can be a very obedient boy…."

"Good night," she called and turned the corner. Just when she thought she had him figured out, he managed to surprise her. Sometimes, the scoundrel really could be a gentleman.