Um.. ya, I was really tired and getting slap happy when I wrote this.  Its pretty damn stupid but by all means, let me know what you think.  I'd appreciate it. ~~ X. D.

Blind as a Post

            Severus Snape was in a delightful mood, well, for him anyway.  Most people would have found it chilling.    The Christmas feast, was of course, excellent, as was the wine and ale he helped himself too.  Later in his quarters, he'd sparked a bit of his favorite herb (strictly for medicinal use, of course) and he soon found himself over come with giggles (Snape thought it was the giggles, the few students left in Hogwarts thought he was walking around snarling) and the munchies.  And, a few minutes ago, while on his way to the painting of fruit that opened to the kitchens, he'd been able to take a nice round twenty points off Gryffindor because one of the House's idiot children had been 'breathing wrong.'  Snape giggled (snarled), what a fine day today has been, he thought. 

            Snape came to a halt in front of the kitchen door.  He stood there, still musing about the great fortune cast upon him that day.  I've even devised the perfect way to spy on Potter!  Snape did a little, happy, monkey-dance of joy (Actually, his happy dance looked more like he was trying to hit something in the head with an axe, but who are we to judge?).  He giggled (snarled) gleefully.  People think my only genius lay with potion making, but are they ever wrong! Snape straightened up and puffed out his chest into a more genius-ly posture.  I have invented the perfect Charm!  I will be able to transfigure myself into any object, and control my shape with my thoughts!  This was actually quite an accomplishment, as it would really suck if Snape turned himself into a rock and got stuck that way (rocks can't very well hold a wand, now can they?).  I'll be able to spy on Potter as much as I wish.  And, when he does something bad, as he will inevitably do, I can transform to my true self!  And he will be expelled! 

            Finally remembering why he was there, Professor Snape extended one long, pale finger to tickle the pear.  The pear started to giggle and wiggle about before, with a distinct popping noise, it turned into a large, green door handle.  Snape gave it a yank, opened it, and stepped inside the kitchens.  Immediately, about thirty house-elves squeaked "Master Snape!", and hurried over to help him with anything he desired.

            "I require some of those delicious custard tarts."

            The tea-towel clad house-elves bowed and backed away before scurrying about to do their newly assigned task.

            Snape heard a faint pop!  He looked around and found himself staring at a beautifully carved bedpost that was leaning against an out-of-the-way wall.  He walked over to it and gave it a closer look.  It was darkly varnished and entwined with carved, wooden, inset beads.

            "You elf, what is this?"

            The elf bowed nervously, "Master Snape, that is being a bedpost, sir."

            "Elf, I know that, whose bed post is it?"

            "It is being Mistress McGonagall's bedpost, sir," the house-elf squeaked, "we is to be delivering it tonight sir, before Mistress McGonagall is going to bed, sir!"

            "Why not Filch?"

            "We is being asked to take it, sir, because the bedpost is being very heavy sir, and easier for us to be using magic on."

            Snape thought, I'm sure it would be far more truthful to say McGonagall didn't want Filch in her rooms, but all he said to the elf was, "Very well, dismissed."

            Snape watched as the elf scurried away.  Hmm... This could be interesting.

            When the house-elves returned with Snape's food, he was nowhere to be found.

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            Being a bedpost is boring, Snape decided.  He sat there in the kitchens for ages, watching the elves, and then finally, he was moved to McGonagall's quarters.  They were empty.  He dozed off for awhile, until he was awoken by a slight shake of the bed.

            Minerva had finally come to bed.  Her face looked as prim and proper as ever, but that's where it ended.  She was dressed in a red Santa elf's dress with white fur trim, green fishnet stockings, and tiny gold bells adorned every inch of her.  Snape blinked his eyes (which now looked like the wooden beads inlaid into the post), but the vision of Minerva didn't change or clear.  Bad shit!  I smoked some reallllllllllly bad shit, thought Snape.

            "Minervaaaaaa."

            The muffled voice seemed to be coming through the door.  McGonagall tapped herself with her wand and suddenly, the tiny gold bells began lighting up and playing, "I Saw Mommy Kissin' Santa Claus."

            "Minervaaaaaaaaaaaa."

            Oh no, thought Snape, it couldn't be-

            Dumbledore walked through the bedroom door.  McGonagall beamed at the older man.

            "What kept you Albus?"

            Dumbledore stepped out of his shoes, and walked around to the side of the bed, right into Snape's line of vision.  "I got an owl from the Ministry, darling, nothing to worry about."  Dumbledore slid his hands under his long silvery beard and started undoing the fastenings on his robes.  Dumbledore shrugged and his robes fell to the floor.

            Snape stared at Dumbledore in all of his naked glory.  MY EYES!!!  OH, MOTHER OF PEARL, MY EYES!  THEY BURRRRNNN!! Luckily for Snape, he had no mouth; otherwise he would have let out a sissy scream to shatter glass.  As it was, his eyes bugged out so far they fell out of the bedpost and rolled around on the floor.  The view from the floor was even worse (as you might imagine), and Snape saw each and every wrinkle in bold relief.  NO MERE MORTAL EYES CAN HANDLE THIS!  SURELY, I MUST BE BLIND!  MY RETINAS ARE BURNING, I CAN FEEL IT!!!!! 

            Dumbledore bent over (causing Snape to silently scream EWWWWWWWW!!) and picked up the two 'beads' that had fallen from the post.  "You should complain about this shoddy workmanship, Minerva."  He then shoved Snape's eyes back into their 'sockets' backwards.

            It took Snape quite awhile to get his eyes straightened out.  He couldn't use magic to do it because it would alert Dumbledore and McGonagall, so he moved them this way and that until they were finally positioned properly.  When his eyes focused, the first thing he saw was Dumbledore's naked butt bouncing up and down.  Snape nearly had a heart-attack.  He snapped his eyes shut quickly, before his lenses could warp even more.  After what seemed like an eternity, the noise quieted down and the bed stopped creaking.  Thank God, thought Snape, Now, either he will leave, and she will sleep so I can get the hell gone from here, or he will stay and they will BOTH sleep so I can get the hell gone from here.  If I can get out of here unnoticed, and SOON, Lord I will change!  I won't smoke weed anymore, and if I do I'll give up the lie about it being medicinal.  I swear!  I won't take points off Gryffindor for no reason!  Wait, yeah I will, but I swear I'll be nicer about it! 

            "Shall we again, Minerva?"

            McGonagall giggled girlishly, "Well go on then, Albus."

            Snape lost his head.  Again???  How can they again?  Dumbledore has to be like, eighty or something!  I can't take it again!!  Without realizing what he'd done, Snape turned back into his normal self, and stood there on the edge of the bed rail, feet together trying to balance him, and arms over his head supporting one corner of the bed's canopy.

            Looking over Dumbledore's shoulder, Minerva cried, "SEVERUS!!"

            Snape screamed like a girl, lost his balance and fell on the floor.

            Looking confused, Dumbledore stood up, scowling.  "Severus what are you DOING in here?"

            Snape couldn't bear to look at Dumbledore; his eyes had suffered enough, so he stared at the floor and mumbled, "Nothing."

            "That's ALL you have to say??"  Dumbledore was in a towering rage.

            "For heaven's sake man, put on some clothes!" cried Snape.

            For her part, McGonagall was hiding underneath the covers.  "Severus Snape, I CANNOT believe you!"

            "You cannot believe me??  I can't believe YOU!  YOU turned me down to be with Albus???"

            Dumbledore finally moved to get his robes, allowing Snape to get a good look at McGonagall's face.  Her lips were a thin line and she was shaking with fury.  "Professor Snape, at least Albus is well aware of the benefits of shampoo, I strongly suggest YOU look into them."

            Snape got to his feet.  "Fine.  Just fine!"

            "Severus," Dumbledore said in a severe tone, "leave.  We will discuss your unbecoming behavior later."

            With that, Snape gathered his tattered dignity, turned toward the door, and ran.