Disclaimer: I do not own VLD.

He knows this wouldn't have been Shiro's first choice.

Hunk would have been the first choice - Hunk was responsible, careful, and chided Lance in a timely manner while getting the job done.

Pidge behind him - they would work any angle they could to record the events and somehow get his picture or something and broadcast it over the universe wide web, redefining viral.

And the very worst choice after Pidge just happened to be the volunteer.

Lance loosens his arms and lets his shoulders go slack, his stomach flattening out for a stitch in his side. The blue paladin's forehead presses back again into the cool, cruel, and unforgiving earth...Soil? Land.

An alien land where he got played by an alien girl that was alien attractive who then, used alien handcuffs to anchor him to an alien tree and proceeded to alien take off with his own personal, awesome alien warship shaped like an alien lion.

He groans and tries again to extend his leg out long enough to kick Keith - who has remained immobile, bent over, hands-on-knees, and wheezing from laughing. Muttering under his breath, he hollers in the direction his helmet lay and demands anyone, maybe even Zarkon himself, to come there right this second.

Anyone else would have freed him when they first arrived ten minutes ago.

Zarkon would have kicked Keith's ass within the first ten seconds after he arrived.

"Ya here that, Zarkon? I triple dog dare you to come to planet SIEVI, northwest of Balmera X-95-Vox, coordinates at-"

Static cuts through his transmission before he can finish, a monotone, "Lance, no," cutting through the radio fuzz.

"Aha! So, you guys are there! I'm requesting backup...and to borrow Pidge's bayard."

"That won't be possible, Lance. A paladin's bayard is unique to its wielder and lion, if someone other than themselves handled it, the consequences could be costly." Allura's voice turns from business-as-usual to what had since been termed the Lance Tone. "I don't think it would be wise for you to withstand another shock from Pidge's bayard."

"Ooookay, then, Pidge, can Keith borrow your bayard?"

Shiro cuts back in with a long suffering groan. "No one's borrowing anyone's bayard and no one is going to purposely harm one of their team mates."

"So, if it was an accident?"

"No, Lance."

He shimmies his way back into a standing position when it becomes apparent his ribcage isn't going to stop pulsing in pain. Kicks his foot in the dirt toward Keith, a halfhearted cloud forming in front of him. "You're the worst and I hate you. I could be injured right now and you're there. Useless as ever."

Keith's laughter cuts off with a hoarse cough, only to start back up again when he looks back up at Lance. "You were bound to wind up like this somehow. I'm just surprised she let you keep your gear, let alone your pants."

"What's that supposed to mean?!"

The red paladin clears his throat, taking off his helmet and standing back up straight. "It means, lady slayer, that your impulse control - or lack thereof - is going to get you into these situations and we're all just surprised it was only the lion she took."

Lance rotates his way around the tree to face Keith. "I don't think I like what you're insinuating."

"Enlighten me, Lance. What am I insinuating." Keith crosses his arms over his chest and attempts a challenging look, only for it to crumble a moment later as he doubles back over to laugh - his voice an octave or two deeper from battle.

"Keith, Lance. That's enough. Let's give it a rest and get you guys back to the castle. And Lance?"

Keith chokes on barely held back laughter, completely losing his voice as his knees sink onto the ground. Lance rotates himself back around the tree and swings his leg out in one more attempt to kick Keith in his stupid face.

"Lance."

"Yes, I'm here." He curses under his breath so Shiro can't hear and in a language Keith doesn't understand.

"We'll talk about this later."

Lance allows his head to fall forward against the rough exterior of the tree, dropping it there repeatedly. Keith pulls himself up and makes his way to the tree, unsheathing his bayard in an arc of light.

"No. No, no, no, n- I would rather rot here than let you near me with that. No."

Keith swings the blade in his hands, leveling it in the air to point toward the link of the handcuffs. "Oh, don't be such a baby. I'm not going to miss, unlike you, I actually train."

Lance shakes his head and jerks against the restraint of the cuffs. "Oh, I'm definitely not a baby because I wasn't born yesterday, Keith. Get that thing away from me."

The red paladin shrugs indifferently and turns back for his lion. "Then I guess you're just stuck there." He waves a hand over his shoulder. "Later."

"No, wait!" Lance bites his tongue when Keith stops and glances back over his shoulder. He may have won the battle, but that stupid mullet was not about to win the war. "Fine, but if you slice off one of my arms, I'm going to beat you with it."

Keith laughs, wasting no time to walk back. He easily cuts through the cuffs with a self-satisfied grin plastered on his face. "I know you're really disappointed you didn't get to beat be with your arm, but I think you'll be able to work past it." He picks up a piece of the cuffs, tossing it the air before catching it and pocketing it in his suit. "Souvenir for your space wall of shame. Maybe we'll even tape it to the fridge beside Hunk's recipe list and Pidge's Voltron sketch."

Lance curses a streak under his breath, rubbing his wrists before stepping away from the tree or whatever the heck it was. His first step is a failure as he careens for the ground. He never plans on admitting in one thousand and one years that Keith's reflexes are pretty decent and that he's thankful the idiot manages to catch him.

"Easy there, tiger." Keith ducks under Lance's arm, draping it around his shoulders and supporting his weight with an arm around his waist. He bends down and grabs Lance's helmet with his free hand. "So Lance, did we learn anything today?"

Lance groans and shuffles forward, his legs like jelly. "Shut up."