Author's Note: This story started out in a lot of different places.

Its forerunners are trailed all over the Internet. I thought up the name Kamaboko in one place (by the way, the icon photo is of colorful little kamaboko fish cakes), the Academy training with mentor idea came to be in another place. So it's kind of all led up to this, I guess, at the risk of sounding dramatic.

Here's the first chapter. I hope you enjoy.

1.

"The Uzumaki girl is getting out of hand," Koharu said reservedly at the next Elders Meeting, from where they were sitting around the big table.

"If you'd just let me train her, I think I could -" Danzo began.

"No. That is not an option," said Hiruzen flatly, and Danzo scowled.

"Still, something must be done. She managed to line all the ANBU uniforms with itching powder the other day. Just this afternoon she put a frog in her Academy teacher's coffee," said Homura. "She's a frequent graffiti artist and she likes to set little traps for unsuspecting teachers, classmates, and villagers. It's becoming a disgrace to the village. And she has no parents to waylay her. No adult will take her in."

"And we all know why," said Hiruzen darkly, a stark reminder.

"Hokage-sama, if I may?" said Koharu. Hiruzen looked over and nodded curiously. "To have enough craftiness and strategic ability as a child to break into ANBU unscathed is actually quite remarkable. If we could find a way to use that -"

"That's what I've been saying all along!" said Danzo.

"Let me finish," Koharu continued. "We all know why Uzumaki Kamaboko does what she does. It's because she's ignored and mistreated by her fellow villagers. Why? She has no idea. She's a girl, and she's a jinchuuriki. She was doubly marked from the start. No one has told her this; we all assume she wouldn't be able to handle the truth.

"It is also widely known among this council that I know best how women are treated out there in the field as ninja. I was one of the first women out there. Give the Uzumaki girl to me. I will train her in place of the Konoha Ninja Academy. She will then rejoin the regular forces as planned."

"You want to take her?" said Danzo and Hiruzen at the same time.

"We all know it is tradition for one Uzumaki woman in Konoha to pass on her knowledge to the next. Kushina is dead; so is Biwako, Hokage-sama's late wife. I am the next highest ranking woman in the village; it's only natural that I should take her place.

"Give control of the Uzumaki girl over to me. I think I know how to get her to stop misbehaving. And I can do it without taking her humanity away from her," Koharu finished proudly.

"That's a big thing to brag about," said Hiruzen, raising an eyebrow. "You truly think you can do it?"

"So she gets her and I don't?" Danzo fumed.

"Danzo, you don't even train women anyway," said Koharu scathingly. "You just want her as a power play and you know it. All you would do is turn her into a robot." Danzo fell into a sulky sort of silence. "It will only get worse if nothing is done," Koharu added to Hiruzen quietly.

Hiruzen looked down, and nodded. "Alright. I'll pass control of the jinchuuriki over to you, and make a decree saying she may train with you in place of her Ninja Academy training. She doesn't seem to be having much luck making friends among her peers anyway," he sighed. "So much for that idea."

The next time the Hokage visited Kama at her apartment, she expected it to be to pass on a check or to scold her about one of her latest pranks.

It was nothing of the kind.

"Kama, this is the last time you will see me for a while," said the Hokage kindly. "I'm transferring control of you over to Hokage's advisor and village Elder Koharu."

"The old Granny?" said Kama, her eyes squinted and her head cocked as she frowned thoughtfully. Kama didn't know much about old lady Koharu. Would she hate Kama just like the others?

"Yes. She's told me to tell you she has a proposition for you, and you are to meet her in her office tomorrow at three o'clock to discuss it. I take it you know where that is?"

"And what happens if I don't show?" Kama challenged.

"That is for Elder Koharu to decide," said Hiruzen. "And between you and me?" He leaned closer. "She's a lot meaner and tougher than I am. Especially when the person she's working with is a kunoichi."

"I'm not a kunoichi yet," Kama pointed out as the Hokage went to the door.

Hiruzen actually chuckled. "That will mean nothing to her," he said back over his shoulder. "What matters to Koharu is that you plan to be."

When Koharu entered her office, a stately place decorated with quiet flower arrangements and taken up by a large desk, Uzumaki Kamaboko was already waiting for her. She was in ratty clothes, leaned back in her chair, feet up on the desk, chewing a stick of gum, but she was there.

"Ah, good, you're prompt," said Koharu briskly. "Spit out your gum; remove your feet. I will be lenient this once, as you do not know my policies."

Kama grinned and stayed right where she was, chewing slowly.

In a flash, one of the decorations in Koharu's bun of silver hair flew out and speared itself right next to Kama's foot, revealing itself to be a senbon needle. Kama gasped, flinched, and fell over in her chair.

"You see?" said Koharu calmly. "When your grounding is unstable, you fall. Now pick up the chair and sit back down."

Kama stood up warily, watching Koharu closely. Koharu sat down - and there was a loud farting noise. She'd just sat on a whoopie cushion.

Kama cackled out a high, shrieking, obnoxious laugh, pointing at Koharu. "You fell for it! You fell for it!" she sang.

Koharu looked thoughtful. "You don't have much respect for authority, do you, Kama?" she asked.

"Authority doesn't have much respect for me," said Kama, scowling, which was actually a fair enough answer. Kama couldn't have gotten much good treatment from any of the adults in her life. "Respect is earned." She lifted her chin.

"One could argue, and many have, that simply surviving in the ninja forces long enough to hit your sixties is enough to earn the highest level of respect," Koharu pointed out.

Kama paused. "Maybe on the battlefield," she said at last. "Where they earned the respect."

"Well thought out," Koharu complimented her, nodding.

"Are you takin' the mickey?" Kama's eyes narrowed suspiciously. "Nobody ever compliments me. Especially not on my intelligence."

"You may not get good grades, Kama, but that does not make you stupid," said Koharu. "It takes great intelligence and strategic skill to pull that trick you did with the ANBU. I think people got so angry that they lost sight of your potential, and that is a compliment to you. Anger is the response that you were intending, yes? Anger and indignation?"

Kama paused, blinking big blue eyes in surprise. "Well, of course, I'm amazing," she recovered after a moment, grinning, putting her hands behind her head.

"Do not pretend at confidence, Kama, it does not become you," said Koharu flatly, and Kama froze. No one had ever called her out on that before. "Form real confidence. It takes time, but the returns are worth it."

"Look, old lady, why did you call me in here?" Kama asked, staring hard at her.

"Kama, I have given you the respect of calling you by your preferred nickname. I, in turn, would prefer to be called Koharu. That is fair, is it not?"

"... I guess… Koharu…" said Kama slowly, almost begrudgingly.

"Now, as to why you are here. Kama, what is your dream? Why did you join the Konoha Ninja Academy?" said Koharu.

"Because I want to become an amazing ninja!"

"Why?"

"Because nobody likes me and I want to prove everyone wrong about me!" said Kama insistently. She became naturally more aggressive when she said the words.

"Alright, Kama. Do you want to know why everyone hates you?" Kama's eyes widened. "You are now under my control and my jurisdiction. My colleague, Hokage-sama, did not think you could handle the truth, but I'd like to give you a bit more credit than that." Koharu sat back, watching Kama carefully.

"Yes! Tell me, tell me!" Kama demanded immediately.

"Alright. It starts with the story of your parents. Sit down, for this is a long tale, and I am not going to repeat myself.

"The Senjuu are the founding clan of Konoha, in Fire Country. They had cousins, a powerful clan called the Uzumaki, who founded their own village in a coastal country known as Whirlpool. That village was called Uzu. Konoha had just recently gained control over the Nine Tailed Fox Demon of fable. But what to do with it?

"The Uzumaki had a bloodline ability that uniquely placed them to be able to seal and control demons. So it was decided that an Uzumaki woman would go to Konoha and marry a Senjuu man, in an arranged marriage, and the demon would be sealed inside her body.

"The woman chosen was Uzumaki Mito. She married the First Hokage, Senjuu Hashirama, and they gave birth to a large family. Among their descendants is the famous Tsunade of the Sannin. Mito was your great-great-aunt, Kama. Tsunade of the Sannin is your second cousin."

Kama's eyes were round with awe; she was completely riveted by a lecture for the first time.

"Mito lived a very long time, but when it was time for her to die, a new vessel would have to be chosen. Mito's grand-niece was chosen, and sent over to Konoha in a form of diplomatic gesture. Her name was Uzumaki Kushina, and she was your mother. She became a Konoha ninja, instead of becoming an Uzu one as she was meant to be.

"Kushina was made the next Kyuubi jinchuuriki, or human demon container, human sacrifice. Why does nobody know this? Because the location of the Kyuubi demon was kept very, very secret. This is S class information you are getting.

"Kushina went on to marry Namikaze Minato, the Golden Flash of Konoha and the Fourth Hokage. Your father.

"That's right. Your full name, unsealed from the S class files, is Namikaze Uzumaki Kamaboko.

"The Uzumaki were destroyed, massacred, during the Third Great Ninja War, by combined Suna and Iwa forces. They were seen as too powerful to be allowed to continue. So Kushina was the only known survivor of her clan. Perhaps because of this, in the aftermath of the war, your parents decided to have a child.

"But there was a problem. Giving birth to a child weakens the jinchuuriki seal.

"Your parents were taken out of Konoha amid a large party for the birth and every precaution was taken. Unfortunately, it was not enough. The Kyuubi escaped and rampaged through half of Konoha, killing many. The only people to survive the initial blast… were you and your parents. And, well, Kushina was dying from the demon being pulled out of her body and you were an Uzumaki.

"Your parents died sealing the Kyuubi inside you.

"And of course, everyone knew this time. Everyone knew you contained the demon. In an effort to protect you from assassination attempts because of your parentage, our current Hokage-sama, Sarutobi Hiruzen, hid the knowledge of your family from everyone. People were told you were just some randomly selected orphan, given the surname Uzumaki out of respect for the Fourth's late and revered wife.

"But this, of course, just meant you were an easy target for the villagers to take out their anger on. Your parents died wanting you to be seen as a heroine, but that is not what happened. The adults needed someone to blame for all this death and destruction, and they chose you. They still do, many years later.

"There is one final piece of the puzzle. None of the children your age know any of this. That is because a law was passed stating no one is allowed to talk about your status as a jinchuuriki. The law does not specifically apply to you - you are the only one who can tell whoever you choose about your past, your family, and your history.

"But no one else can. So the children your age don't know. They simply hate you because it's what their parents do. That is the unexpected, but sad truth."

Kama sat there, stunned, somber. "... Th-thank you… thank you for telling me… Koharu-sama…" she whispered at last. Koharu did not miss the new suffix. Then: "Where is my seal?"

"It appears on your stomach when you channel chakra."

Kama lifted her shirt, put her hands in a hand seal, channeled chakra - and her eyes widened. A black swirl seal had appeared over her navel. "It's really there," she whispered.

"Here is what I propose from all this mess," said Koharu, steepling her hands. "You said you wanted to prove people wrong about you. I think that is a noble goal, and furthermore, what your parents would have wanted.

"There will be people who will arrive later on in your life to help you learn your father's techniques and control the Kyuubi. But what about for now? What about your mother's clan? What about your basic ninja abilities?

"That's where I come in.

"I have high-access clearance to all of the Uzumaki clan scrolls your mother brought over from Uzu," said Koharu, "perhaps some of the last surviving Uzumaki clan scrolls in the world.

"I will take over your training. I will train you in my ninja way, and I will help you learn your mother's clan's abilities. You will train with me in place of your Academy training, and then take the Genin Exam at twelve with everybody else.

"If you accept, that is. Do you accept?"

"... Why are you doing all this for me?" Kama asked at last, looking, for a moment, much older and more suspicious than her age should allow.

"Because you are an invaluable asset to the village," said Koharu. "And right now you are going to waste. Your Academy teachers spurn you and you waste your time angering people.

"Also… I feel a certain duty to your mother. It is a Konoha tradition that one Uzumaki woman passes the clan knowledge on to the next. She is not here, so I must take her place. Therefore… if you would like… you may call me Granny." Koharu was reserved.

Kama's eyes had widened. "... I accept," she said at last, smiling, blinking back tears. "Granny. There are no friends or inspirational teachers waiting for me back at the Academy anyway. I want to become strong. So, if you can get me there - I'll take it," she said, shrugging, laughing breathily like her heart was breaking.

"Very well," said Koharu. "And so, your training begins. There is one condition."

Kama straightened. "And that is?"

"You must stop playing pranks. I know that sounds awful on the surface," said Koharu when Kama looked horrified, "but listen and I think you will understand. You play pranks to be acknowledged, yes? Well, I have acknowledged you. Your untrained skills have impressed me. I acknowledge you as a human being worthy of respect."

"... K-Koharu-sama," Kama began, extremely emotional.

"I am not done," said Koharu stoically. "I acknowledge you, and I will train you to be so strong and so good and so steadfast that other people will eventually have to acknowledge you. So I want you to focus on that - on your training. That is a far better way to gain acknowledgment than the hatred you get through pranks, I hope you'll agree?

"Every time you want to play a prank or laugh at someone, instead do what I've taught you. Train. You are barred from entering shops? Train. You get abuse in the streets? Train. You are harassed because you are a girl? Train, and I will teach you how to fight back against that harassment. You feel alone? Train. Other children spurn you? Train. Teachers look down on you and refuse to give you information? Train, and ask me for the information. Train hard. That is the only true way to make people see who you really are.

"You also play pranks when you are bored, yes? I hope you will be too busy training to become bored. But I will also teach you hobbies and self management techniques that you can do instead, that are fun, to avoid being bored. Would you like me to teach those techniques to you?"

Kama nodded eagerly.

"Good," said Koharu firmly. "Then no pranks. Not under my watch. Once we get this training started, if I see or hear of you playing a prank, the whole thing stops. It is a disgrace to the village that it is our new goal to impress. So if you do one, that tells me that you don't really want to impress the villagers. Understand?"

Kama nodded after a moment. Mostly because of the last thing Koharu had said. Our new goal.

There was someone in her corner.

"Okay," she said, her eyes becoming hard and determined. "Let's do this."