A/N: What to do when you feel complete trapped by your original vignettes idea and need to move your character forward? An interlude. Enjoy!

Interlude: You See What You Look For, You Know

She leaves Angola with precious little more than she came with. The information she gathers from Ross' visit is disappointingly vague and nothing she is any position to start hunting down right away even if she had a clue where to start. She packs her bags frustrated, feeling uncomfortably directionless.

No more orders. No more missions. No more ties.

All those loose ends were effectively snipped ten days ago with Steve on one side of her hotel door and her on the other. A gulf of differences playing out as a two inch barrier between them.

So she finds herself free as a bird. Only a little terrifying.

Natasha is not accustomed to down time. It's unsettling. Gives her time to think and she doesn't want that right now.

She refuses to wonder what he's up to.

If there was a real emergency, he can reach her. She keeps the phone he left on her at all times despite constantly reminding herself that it isn't in her job description anymore.

That whole mess is no longer her concern.

She can't let it be anything else.

She pretends to pack the letter by accident. It somehow finds itself, still sealed, mixed within the folds of her tourist costumes- beautiful things that don't really feel like they belong amongst her possessions.

Some things are too good to be hers. She almost let herself forget that.

Almost.

She won't read it. She doesn't want to know- not really.

It can't change anything.

Can't.

He is gone and that's… well… anyway it's for the best. It was getting too complicated. Requests she almost wanted to fulfill.

Stay?

The thought of blue beseeching eyes that she almost believed in.

Almost.

No. This is better. It has to be. She's not that girl.

So Natasha leaves with Angola with more debt, more frustration, and more lies she feeds herself like medicine to cure the ache in her chest.

It would have never worked.

It wasn't love.

It's not like she even misses him.

Spends two weeks carefully tracking through Europe to salvage what little she can from her life before. There is not much and Natasha is fully regretting using up what meager resources she had left to track down General Ross.

She can't even lie to herself, not about that choice at least. It had nothing to do with her ledger or atonement or anything as noble as that.

It's that she wants them safe- all of them.

And if she is a little worried about them- well who can blame her? They are idiots.

And for a moment they were her family.

And he was almost more.

Pushes that thought down.

She has just been alone too long. That's all this is- these questions that seem to keep rising within her.

Hunts down Logan in his hideout in South America.

But not because she is lonely.

No.

Just because she had promised him a good bottle of vodka if he lent a hand with R.A.F.T. and she doesn't do loose ends.

That's all.

She finds him in a dingy bar where he is doing his best to abdicate the constant mantle of role model Charles is always trying to foist on him. She understands too well the pressure of someone wanting you to be more than you were created for.

Memories of blue eyes boring into hers.

Stay?

Can't.

"Here." She glides a bottle of Stolichnaya over to him, ignoring the pointed look the bartender gives her. "As promised."

"Normal people say thank you, Romanoff."

She just smirks in reply. Since when were they normal?

Logan examines her. "You look like shit."

"You always were such a sweet talker."

His fingers glide over the label before sliding the bottle back to her. "Looks like you need it more than me."

Natasha rankles at the comment but knows better than to argue with him. Logan has known her too long to be anything but annoyingly perceptive. Opens the bottle and takes a long pull before passing it back to him.

"Charles run you off again?"

"Wants me to teach."

The bottle makes its way between them at every pause in the conversation.

"Get out while you can." It's honest advice. Being needed and wanted? It almost makes you forget. Makes you think you can have things that should never belong to you.

Almost.

It's dangerous.

"Honeymoon with your little team over with?"

"That's putting it mildly."

"And here I thought you might be trying to get the band back together."

She nearly inhales the swallow of alcohol in her mouth. He has to be kidding. There is no fixing this. "You aren't serious."

It's not question.

"Well when you didn't show up to help I figured you went to go smack some sense into Stark."

"I told you I wasn't coming." She had. Sent Logan and Sharon instead because she knew goodbye when she heard it. "Besides it would take a blow with Thor's hammer to get through Stark's thick skull."

"Since when do you back down from a challenge?"

She knows he's not talking about Tony. Logan had obviously been expecting her to help with R.A.F.T. despite her being crystal clear about her intentions. "After…" She doesn't mention the Red Room. She doesn't need to. "I don't walk into places where the exits aren't clearly marked."

"I seem to recall that." Logan takes another drink from the bottle that is rapidly dwindling between them. "By the way, had a layover in New York last week. Murdock is 'looking for you'."

She sighs at the pun but doesn't give him the satisfaction of a real reply.

"He says the two of you need to talk."

"He is probably pissed about the accords. I'm not in the mood to deal with his bullshit." Last thing she needs is a reminder about how even when she tried her relationships crashed and burned around her. Could anyone blame her for saving herself and Rogers from that misery?

He deserved better. Much better.

"Nice to see you have finally outgrown the dating assholes stage."

Yes, she has. She has now moved on to being the bad guy in her relationships. Taking a guy like Steve and pretending that she could ever be good enough for him.

"I'm over assholes- well unless you want to give it a go?" Uses her humor to deflect.

It shocks Logan enough that he chokes on his drink and Natasha actually smiles as he sputters at her. "Shit like this is why you are single."

Natasha eye rolls at the comment but doesn't needle Logan in return about Jean. Some things are off limits- even for her.

Logan is never loquacious and so they spend the next hour passing the bottle back and forth without much chatter. She slides over her phone and tries not to stare at him as he browses the intel she collected in Luanda which isn't much. Ross is after a weapon (big surprise there) and specifically a way to control it.

The alcohol leaves her fuzzy, blurring lines that she held so precisely in her mind before. The can'ts and the mustn'ts mute under the thudding ache that seems to slowly permeate her soul making her so carefully thought out objections seem as flimsy as paper napkin beneath her fingers.

It couldn't have worked.

Right?

Even without the accords, even without the world drawing a line between them- it was bound to end up like this.

Wasn't it?

She tries to force those thoughts down and focus on the fly that keeps buzzing near her end of the bar. It's not hurting anyone- not really but still the second it lands her hand reacts on its own to squash it.

Logan shoots her an look that asks 'was that necessary?'.

No but it's who she is. A spider, a black widow, a bringer of death.

She tries to be more but it always ends up like this. It's what she was created for.

Steve almost made her forget that.

Almost.

She almost believed him.

Almost.

Almost took that leap.

Was so close.

But he said no. Wanted more from her than she was created for.

More than half drunk and she finally admits to herself how much she wishes she could have been more.

For her.

For him.

For them.

More trusting.

More brave.

More open.

More.

She could have stayed. Any of those nights he asked. She could have. She had wanted to.

Almost had a dozen time.

Almost.

The bottle is somehow empty when she goes to take a swig and under the truth and alcohol her mask begins to crumble. She knows she must have let on too much when Logan passes back her phone without a word.

No snappy retorts about her failure to get any decent info while in Angola.

No more comments about the black pit that is her love life.

No mention of the team she let crumble around her.

Just a hand on her shoulder. "You are going to be ok, kiddo."

Natasha knows she will.

She survives.

It's what she was created for.

She just wishes she could have been more.

A/N:

First the requisite apology of how long this update took:

I originally started off posting when the next part would be up. I have been in treatment for the big C and thought the deadlines would motivate me to get out of bed even on my worse day. Honestly? I completely underestimated how much treatment would suck. So I am writing and I hope to move this along but no hard deadlines this time.

Now on to Logan aka Wolverine. I know! I can hear some of you shouting that there is no Steve in this chapter and how dare I. (Not to mention- I brought up Matt, what is wrong with me?) So whoever is lighting those torches and passing out pitchforks please hear me out first! I wanted each of the chapters to have both Steve and Natasha but I needed an interlude for Natasha to come to grips about what she wants. Like I said before she is a tough nut to crack.

And yes I am now mixing 616 and MCU. I am going with the idea that Steve met Logan for the first time during the R.A.F.T break out because I am weirded out by him saving Natasha with Logan's help as a child per 616 and then sleeping with her so yeah... not going there.

Anyway let me know what you think!

~Delysia~