Whatever we deny or embrace

By LadyLunaAmi

Disclaimer-I do not own Marvel. If I did there would be so much more Bucky. I also own none of the music used here. Follow up fic to Where is my mind?

Set during Civil War- Bucky is forced to reunite with Steve and Alison to prove his innocence and save the world. However can a war mend something that is broken between two people?

Remembering the girl

Bucky fought the urge to wipe his damp palms on his uniform dress jacket and he looked back to Steve.

"Tell me she didn't run off," said Bucky. Steve grinned at his friend and nodded towards the back of the church.

"I think you have your answer," said Steve. Bucky turned and saw Alison being walked down the aisle by Sam. Bucky swallowed hard as he looked at her and wondered if he would ever stop being taken in by how pretty her green eyes were. The dress was a simple and white, but it didn't do much to hide that she was expecting. He hoped whatever baby they had together would get her eyes and her smile. Alison took his hands in hers when she got up to him.

"You thought I bailed didn't you?" Alison asked teasing.

"I wouldn't blame you," said Bucky. She grinned up at him and put one of his hands on her abdomen.

"I wouldn't get very far," said Alison. Bucky went to say something when he heard a soft sound and something warm and wet near his hand. Bucky was stunned to see blood coming from Alison's abdomen. A bullet hole ruining her dress. Two more shots came down, another hitting her again in the abdomen and another in her chest. Alison looked stunned as she started to fall. Bucky caught Alison and he could feel her blood soaking his uniform jacket as he cradled her. The bright green eyes were dimming quickly and Bucky held her tightly.

"No. No. Don't leave me," pleaded Bucky.

"You left first," muttered Alison. She went still in his arms and she was suddenly so cold it hurt him.

It was his own cries that woke Bucky up and he laid in his bed shaking and trying to breathe again. There was a light tapping on his door and Bucky heard a timid voice call through the door.

"Mr. Dyer. Are you alright? I heard shouting." The voice belonged to Mrs. Andron, a widow who lived across the hall. Bucky sighed and made his way to door. Hoping the few seconds it took him to get there would calm him down. He opened the door and the old woman looked up at him worried.

"I'm sorry I scared you. It was just a very stupid dream," said Bucky hoping he sounded calm. She took him with her sharp gray eyes and sighed.

"Happens to all of us from time to time. I'm going to go to the market and see about getting some berries for a tart. You just come by when you get time and I'll save you a piece," said Mrs. Andron. Bucky went to protest, but the widow had already started walking away. Bucky shut the door and went back over to his bed. He had taken Alison's sweater out of his backpack and had fallen asleep next to it. Bucky sat down on his bed and held the sweater. It really didn't smell like Alison anymore. Well she hasn't worn it in six months and you had to wash it to get the blood out, thought Bucky.Bucky barely fought back a shudder has the memories from South America came back.

He and Alison had been taken by Hydra and after they mind wiped him and said his control words it had been up to Alison to try and save them both. She had killed four of the men who had taken them before he had been ordered to attack her. Alison had barely been able to snap him back to some part of himself. I came to with my hand around her neck. I could have let god knows what happen to her if she hadn't snapped me out of it, thought Bucky.

Even after he was snapped out of it and they got away, it took hours for him to really remember who she was. I forgot that I loved her. Alison had been sick, badly hurt and she wasn't safe with him in her life. He had been an idiot for not truly facing that fact head on sooner. Bucky had taken her to a clinic for help and slipped away.

It didn't stop her though. She found you and tried to get you to come home, thought Bucky. Alison had managed to find him for a bit in Spain, however he made sure that she understood that he wasn't going to come home with her. Bucky touched the dog tags, one belonging to him and the other belonging to Alison's late father. His mother's wedding ring was also on the same chain. She also came to tell you that your sister was gone. Bucky looked from the sweater to the small burner phone she had left with him. Alison told if and when he changed his mind he could call her or Steve to come home. I should have thrown both these things away months ago. I can't go home. I would just put them all at risk. There are still people out there that can make me forget that I know them and care about them. I almost killed Steve repeatedly and I could have killed Alison. I could hurt them all if someone wanted me too. I was stupid for thinking I could have anything normal again.

Bucky put the sweater and the phone back in his backpack though and showered before going around the building for his normal rounds. Most of the tenants had started moving out since the building was slated to be torn down this summer. Bucky wondered if he would stay in Romania or head somewhere else. It wasn't bad here, he was sure he wouldn't run into anyone that knew him here and memories were slightly less intense when they did come to him now. The dreams though, I wish they would stop.

He dreamed of Steve-how they used be before the war or how it could have been if they came home together. He dreamed of Alison and how things could have been if he was just a normal guy. The house, the kids, a picket fence and a dog. Things you can't have now, thought Bucky.

Bucky looked down at his gloved hands and frowned. When he dreamed both his arms were normal. That should be a giveaway from now on that I'm dreaming. Bucky could faintly hear the plates in his arm has he headed outside towards the market. It was the weekend and spring had really showed up so it was a bit busy now. Tourists walking and looking at maps, couples out on dates and parents shaking their heads and calling after children to not stray too far.

Bucky thought again of how Alison looked in his dream and that should have been another sign he was dreaming. She was pregnant and you can't have children. You can't have that anyone and who would want to have a family with you, thought Bucky.

I thought we were family and you just left me. You left us said a voice. It was Alison's voice and Bucky was torn about wanting to hear it again in real life and wishing it would go away for good. Bucky shoved his hands into his pockets and wandered through the market. He picked up a few things before going over to a small cafe. Bucky ordered a coffee and pulled out the small journal he kept in his pocket. He hadn't wrote much in this one, but it was doodled in. Steve had taught him how to draw a little and Bucky liked to come here, watch the people, listen to music and shut his mind off for a bit as he drew. The drawings weren't as good as Steve's, but they were passable drawings for the most part.

The girl came with his coffee and gave him a smile before nodding at the notebook.

"I wish I could draw eyes like that. Well I wish I could draw at all. I do make a good stick figure," said the girl.

"Thank you," said Bucky and the girl tapped the notebook.

"She has very kind eyes, but they look sad," said the girl. Bucky went to close the notebook when someone inside called to the girl and she nearly tripped over herself to wait more tables. Bucky looked at the drawing and frowned. He didn't have a picture of Alison and his attempt to draw one was poor in his mind.

Bucky had moments when all he wanted to do was to call Steve or Alison and ask them to come bring him home. Then he would remind himself of what he had done to Alison and the position he had put Steve in before he taken off again. Steve saved her life after you nearly got her killed, thought Bucky.

When Alison had found him Spain, Bucky had noticed a marked change in her. She told him that in order to save her after the Hydra kidnapping Steve had given her a blood transfusion. Bucky wasn't a hundred percent sure of what Alison could do now, but she healed quickly and could almost match him in strength. When she first told him, Bucky couldn't figure out what pissed him off so much about it. Now he was sort of figuring it out and he wasn't sure he liked the answers.

He was jealous for starters. Bucky had never been the jealous type before when it came to girls he had dated. When it came to Alison he found he could be overly jealous. Maybe it was several decades of not having anyone in his life that loved him that triggered it, but he didn't like it at all. He had to constantly tell himself that she was her own person and she wanted to be with him. Bucky knew he had no right to be upset that Steve had saved her life after he had nearly gotten her killed and walked away. He was though and it dug at Bucky. You could have saved her if you had stayed, thought Bucky.

Bucky was pretty sure he and Alison might be matches for blood type. If he had stayed he would have been able to help her for once. You're pissed off and jealous that your best friend saved your girl. Jesus Barnes what's wrong with you? thought Bucky. Bucky sipped his coffee and went deeper into his thoughts.

Bucky knew what the serum had done for Steve and what it had done to him. What had it done to Alison though? Well there was the healing and strength boost to start with. Steve had told him once the serum increased traits inside a person. Good becomes great and bad becomes even worse is how Steve explained it. Bucky knew he hadn't been a terrible person before Hydra, but years of being used for terrible things had screwed him up royally. Alison was a good person, but Bucky knew how much pressure she put on herself to be there for others. Would the serum make that worse for her? She blamed herself for not helping me, even though she helped me more than anyone else could, thought Bucky.

Between the serum and what happened in South America, Bucky wasn't sure if Alison was still the woman who had handed him a cup of coffee in an alleyway almost a year ago. If she could still be the person he had fallen in love with. How much could she change before she wasn't herself anymore? You didn't want to find out and that's why you left. You didn't want to wake up one morning with her hating you for turning her into something she didn't want to be, thought Bucky. He knew far too well what it was like to hate someone for changing to into something else.

Bucky went back to his drawing and listened to the music coming from the cafe. It was that whiny 90's music Alison liked. Maybe it's not so bad after all, thought Bucky as he turned to a new page and started drawing the Brooklyn Bridge. Bucky did hope that Alison was alright and he hoped that she wasn't waiting for him to come back. I never should have kissed her. If I hadn't kissed her she would still be the woman I met almost a year ago. Whoever she is now, I just want her to happy, thought Bucky. He looked at his drawing and shook his head. It was a stupid thought, but it was one that he might be able to live with. After all Steve had saved her life and they were both too kind for their own good. At least I wouldn't have to worry about making sure someone was taking care of them.

…...

This is how we do it

It's Friday night, and I feel alright

The party is here on the West side.

Alison looked over at Steve and grinned at bit.

"I don't think I've heard this song since college. Me, Sam and Sophia got tipsy and went to a throwback party at a roll skating rink. It was one of our greater ideas in college," said Alison and Steve laughed.

"Sam on skates. I might pay to see that," said Steve. Alison sipped her drink and nodded out to the dance floor. Sam was dancing with Wanda and while the younger woman had been a bit awkward at first she was clearly warming up and enjoying herself at the wedding reception.

"He dances better than he skates," said Alison with a smile.

"You sure about that?" asked Steve looking at their friend waving his arms about wildly.

"Pretty sure. He's not clinging to the wall and complaining about those damn kids passing him and how the floor keeps spinning," said Alison. She grinned at the memory and Steve found the smile to be genuine in nature. Over the last few months, Steve had been paying close attention to how Alison had been recovering from a slew of bad events that he wouldn't wish on his worst enemy. After recovering from the kidnapping she had seemed alright on the surface, but after she ran off to find Bucky after his sister Rebecca had passed it hit Steve how badly she was taking everything. She blamed herself for falling in love with him. That he left because she screwed up and that she wasn't someone Bucky could love anymore, thought Steve.

After Spain there had been another shift in her and Alison threw herself into being part of the team in any way she could. Training with him or Natasha, working on finishing her nursing degree with the other students, she set aside time to help Vision and Wanda understand anything and everything they had questions about and was helping another team member, David Dugan figure out what happened to him after a bizarre piece of sushi turned him into an unbreakable man.

On the surface Alison still appeared alright and if you weren't paying attention you could believe it. Steve knew if Bucky were in his shoes he would watch over his girl, so Steve looked after Alison now and sometimes he wondered if she was really alright. Steve knew a little too well how to play the 'Everything is fine' game. He had played it even before the war so no one would worry about it him. Alison was very much like Bucky in the way she would bend over backwards to make sure everyone else was taken care of and not thinking of herself. At least that hadn't changed and it was trait Steve could understand.

It was when you really looked at her to see if the smile reached her eyes that Steve could see it. Very few smiles did reach her eyes anymore from what he saw and it worried him. The awkward yet funny woman had been replaced by someone far too serious and far too driven at times.

You should be here Buck. She needs you, not me, thought Steve. Tonight though was a very different story and Steve didn't have to look very hard to see why Alison was so happy. Steve followed Alison's gaze to where the brides were dancing.

Renee, tall and striking in her white ball gown dress danced with Sophia who looked so tiny next to Renee in a short, strapless red dress. Renee was Sam's cousin and Alison had grown up with Sam and Renee. Sophia had entered the picture later on in grade school, but they had all been inseparable for years. Alison had explained that Sophia and Renee had dated on and off during high school and college, but they always seemed to find their back to each other. The song changed to a slower number and the brides simply pulled each other close and started to move in slow circles.

"The maid of honor really should have brought a better date to the wedding. I think she's been nursing the same drink for about an hour now and her date really should get her a new one or something. Or maybe see if she wants to dance" said Steve teasing and Alison held up her glass and studied the melting ice.

"Nah. The melting ice is like a second drink. Beside I asked you to come because when you aren't my boss I like to think we're friends and friends to go social events together. Plus there is a bit of a bonus that you clean up nice and no one is harassing me about dating since we walked into together," teased Alison.

"So David doesn't clean up nice?" asked Steve and Alison shook her head. She grinned, but it didn't reach her eyes. Are you waiting for him to come back? Would you still love him if he came back? thought Steve. Steve had seen how heartbroken she had been in Spain when she told him she couldn't find Bucky. Part of Steve hoped she would keep waiting for Bucky. It was wrong though to want her to wait for someone who had broken her heart, even if that person was his best friend. You played your own part in this by asking her to work with Bucky. You put them together and told him to take a chance with her, thought Steve.

"I spend so much time with David at work and during study sessions I'm shocked we haven't become attached at the hip. We agreed to take a weekend break from each other...however he did tag me on a Facebook post about Harry Potter meeting Dr. Who so clearly there is no getting away from the man. It's not like that between us," said Alison calmly and Steve felt his face flush a bit.

"I didn't mean it like…" started Steve and Alison let out a nervous laugh and tucked a loose strand of long brown hair behind her ear and for a split second Steve was reminded of how she was when they first met.

"I know. It's an old standby habit. After Matt died it seemed like there were far too many people wanting me to date again. And now...well Jenny is already trying to set up a double date-Her and Shawn and me with a guy she knew from SHEILD. People have an odd way of needing others to move on from somethings in a certain way," said Alison.

"I know what that's like," said Steve. He did know what it felt like to try and move on. It was easy on some days and on other days it felt like stopping a freight train. Steve was sure Alison had her fair share of freight train days and yet he was somewhat proud of her for carrying on.

Steve could understand on some level how Bucky's leaving had hurt her. Alison had and maybe she still did love Bucky. While her relationship with him hadn't been long, it had been intense for both of them. Bucky trying to come back to the world that had broken him and Alison trying to figure out if she could be in love again. For his part, Steve couldn't recall Bucky ever looking at anyone the way he looked at Alison. Bucky had confided in Steve that he loved Alison so much it scared him. Steve carried his own guilt about how things had ended between Alison and Bucky. I should have known someone was going to coming looking for him. I just wanted him to be happy and be part of the world again, thought Steve. Alison nodded out to Renee and Sophia.

"I really am happy for them. Being in love sits better on some people," said Alison more to herself than to him. She finished her melted drink. "I wouldn't say no to a new drink now," said Alison.

"Maybe I'll even dance with you when I get back," said Steve and went to get Alison another rum and coke. He was waiting at the bar when Natasha sent him a text. Crossbones is on the move. Source seems legit. Hate to spoil the fun. It was clearly too much to ask for a nice evening out.

Steve shook his head and brought Alison her drink back. She knew something was up the second he came back. Clearly her psych nurse training didn't take the night off, thought Steve.

"Is everything alright?" asked Alison.

"We got a lead on Rumlow," said Steve. The second that name was spoken it changed Alison entirely. Her green eyes clouded over with unchecked rage, her face lost all color and her hand shook as she sat the glass down. Rumlow had been behind kidnapping her and Bucky. He had been on his way to collect Bucky when they had escaped. For the past six months Rumlow and his gang had been blowing up police precincts and taking weapons and drugs from them and freeing prisoners.

The body count was now up to forty five officers and more than a dozen civilians. That wasn't counting those who had been injured and the property damage done in its wake. It had been decided the next time they got a lead a med team would come with them to help aid in any way they could. Alison was now part of that team based on her time working in an ER and she had been trained to hold her own if things got bad. And she proved she could, thought Steve remembering the dead Hydra agents.

Alison picked her drink back up and chugged it before standing up.

"So I guess that means we have to go," said Alison. Steve shook his head.

"You should be here," said Steve as Alison gathered up her things.

"I'm going to assume a med team is going to be needed since that bastard leaves a mess every time and well I'm part of the med team. Plus it's not fair if you, Sam and Wanda have to leave. They'll understand," said Alison as she went over to Renee and Sophia. Steve sighed and went to get Wanda and Sam to fill them in.

"You know I wish psycho assholes would respect family time," said Sam and Wanda shook her head.

"Well if we catch him we can have more family time. Let's catch him this time," said Wanda and she went to get her coat. Sam looked over to where Alison was hugging Sophia and trying to ignore the side eye she was getting from Renee. Renee had never been big on the whole 'superhero' bit. Even though Alison wasn't on the team that did the fighting, the med team might see its own share of action during clean up

"I want to punch him just once when we bring him in," said Sam going to say goodbye to his cousin and her new wife.

…

"I promise that when you open my gift you'll totally forgive me for leaving early," said Alison giving Sophia a kiss on the cheek. Renee barely fought back the urge to roll her eyes.

"You know when you first signed up you were only supposed to be the psych nurse to one person. Now they have you going on mini missions. You better see a huge bump in your salary," said Renee and Alison felt a tiny stab in her chest. She loved Renee, but she didn't think most of the time before speaking. Alison had been brought into the Avengers to help one Bucky Barnes recover from years and years of Hydra control. At first that was all she did and then she got stupid and sloppy with her feelings. You let yourself fall in love with him. One of the dumbest things you ever did, thought Alison.

Sophia saw the flash of hurt her eyes and hugged Alison again hard. They both knew about Bucky, but Sophia always seemed to be more intune when it came to people's feelings.

"Ignore cranky pants. She's just jealous that you and Sam get to have all these awesome missions together and she's grading papers. Go be a hero baby," said Sophia giving her another kiss on the cheek. Alison looked at Renee who sighed and hugged her.

"Just don't be a stupid hero," said Renee. Alison nodded and stepped aside so Sam could get his own goodbye in. Steve and Wanda were already waiting outside for the car. It was still sort of cold at night so Alison slipped into her spring coat and waited with them.

"How much trouble are you in?" asked Wanda.

"Not much. I made sure I got them a really good present so that might smooth things over," said Alison.

"You helped with all the planning too," said Wanda and Alison grinned,

"Well its part of the American wedding tradition. You sucker your friends in to help with all those annoying and tedious tasks. Then you make them buy a dress they'll never wear again and when it's all done you might get that warm glow of seeing them happy," said Alison.

She was very happy to see Sophia and Renee getting married. It had taken a great deal of willpower for Alison to not start crying during the vows and she normally wasn't a happy crier. Seeing that much love between two people she cared for did make her happy. It's just not for you. It's never for you, spoke up some cold voice in her head. Alison hardly heard that voice in her head anymore, however when it decided to rear its ugly head it did so with vengeance.

For the most part Alison had her depression and anxiety issues under control. It used to be done with medication, but now since the blood transfusion she seemed able to control it without the meds. However the nasty little voice liked to come up and remind her what a mess she had made with one James 'Bucky' Barnes. He was your patient and you never should have let your feeling for him override your better judgement. Now he's god knows where and is he even alright. Does he miss you too? Knock it off. He left and now we have work to do, thought Alison and she simply threw herself into whatever she could to shut that voice up.

Alison liked being part of the team, a small part of The Avengers. This was the right place for her and Bucky had been the one to make the choice to be apart. It was a choice that hurt her deeply. From her personal experience time healed some of the wounds, but they left ugly scars behind to remind you not to repeat your mistakes. Was it all a mistake though? thought Alison. No, not all of it had been a mistake, it had brought here and right now it felt like the right place to be. She was in a place where she could help people and if she spent the rest of her life doing that she could find some sort of peace of mind. You just do it alone. Love doesn't seem to pan out for you and maybe that's just how it's going to be for you.

Sam joined their group as the car was brought around. There would be time to think later. Right now they had a mission and a part of Alison wanted to ask Sam if she could punch Rumlow in his face for all the hurt he had caused her and Bucky. For everyone he's hurt, thought Alison.

Music-Montel Jordan-This is how we do it.

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