Some months later

I was in the Capitol again, for some nonsense half-year Hunger Games party. I was the most recent Victor, but I was also the most boring Victor. It was easy to sneak out one night, even if I was freakishly tall.

I'd had a lot of time to study in between practicing my talent (dancing). I'd read everything I could about the brain. I knew about hormones, chemicals, endorphins, and much more. I knew the Capitol was the perfect place to find what I needed. I would have thought the people here were happier than anywhere else. But it seemed they couldn't tamp down their consciences. They needed help, just like me.

I also knew I wouldn't have to look. They'd find me. I looked intimidating by nature, but the people I was looking for were bold by nature.

"Hey man, looking for something?" a neatly dressed but still shady-looking man asked in an alley lit only by the harsh neon lights of the neighboring buildings.

"What do you got?" I asked. The man came closer and stopped suspiciously.

"Hey, you're the Victor," he said, and he stepped back. "I don't want to sell to no Victor."

"You want to get on one's bad side?" I asked. The man glanced around and opened a briefcase.

"Can't imagine why someone like you would want it... What'll it be? Uppers, downers, something to let your mind wander while someone's hands do the same thing?"

"I'm looking for Paradise," I said.

"Aren't we all?" the man said. He opened a flat packet and brought out a perforated paper-like wafer.

"Place on tongue, let melt, boom- paradise," the man said. I paid him and he melted into the darkness.

I hid the paper in my pocket until I was home again. The second night after I got back, after my mother was settled in and I could be alone, I took it out. I locked the door to my room and leaned my mattress up against it. I had no idea what was going to happen, but I didn't want anyone to disturb me. The last three times, nothing had happened. Maybe this would be the one. I was like a doctor, calculating and guessing at the right mixture and dose.

I sat with my back to the mattress and set a tab on my tongue. The paper melted like sugar and a slight, nearly imperceptible taste spread across my mouth. The first effects I noticed were physical. My skin prickled and my heartbeat quickened. Then fish appeared on the wall and swam around the room. But that was nothing I hadn't seen before.

Something happened, and it staggered me. As colors bled from the falls and swirled around me, something happened. Like a sense I'd never known and couldn't have imagined, I experienced something in a way I never had. My reason and logic were shattered and I couldn't control my actions. I felt like I was drowning, and I sucked in breaths. Something new and alien, something that wasn't a thought, came from inside my head. Inside my head, but somewhere other than my brain. I wanted it to stop, but I knew it wasn't real. It hurt like death, but it wasn't damaging me.

This is emotion, I thought, and I was in awe. This was what other people had all the time. How could they function? I couldn't stop my face from moving in ways that didn't make sense. The logic and pragmatism that ruled my life were torn away. I wanted to act for reasons that didn't make any sense. Abstract, meaningless thoughts filled my head and they affected me in ways I'd never had to articulate.

I was like a deaf man hearing an orchestra. I was like a baby first seeing another person.

Which one is it? I asked myself. I thought of what I'd seen my mother and Vera feel, and what name they would have put on it. It wasn't a nice emotion, as far as I could guess. It hurt, and I wanted it to stop. It might have been sadness.

I love my mother, and I love Vera, I thought. Love wasn't what I was feeling at the moment, but I knew I could feel it sometime and I would. It was something like love, though. It was potent and strong enough to bring tears to my eyes.

I miss her, I thought. I wanted there to be a way for her to come back. I knew there wasn't, but I wanted it. I cried, like that could make it better. I couldn't stop.

It's mourning, I understood. The first emotion I ever experienced was grief. It hurt enough to sear my heart. I would have thought I wouldn't want any more emotions ever again, but I wanted them all. I wanted them all, but first I had to finish this one. I leaned against the mattress and began to grieve.

After so long, after so many chapters they seemed to last forever, it's done. It felt surreal to reach even the end of the Games part. There were so many this time I thought I'd be writing it forever. It will be nice to get back to normal Games, as fun as this was.

I was all set to have Frankie get that operation he mentioned back in year 25, but his submitter threw a spanner in the works and said Snow probably wouldn't like that. Which is true. I sat in my thinking chair a while and got to thinking about mood-altering drugs. They might or might not work on a brain-damaged person, so it was perfect for Frankie. They won't always work and sometimes the preparation or mix won't be right, so he'll usually be like he was before. But he'll have room to grow and develop as he explores his brain chemistry and forces his way through what Snow won't let him fix entirely. Since he has the opposite of an addictive personality, he won't get addicted, and since he's pragmatic, he'll keep a low profile and keep Snow happy.

Calvary's story is up under Calvary Road