A/N: Hey everyone. This is my first fan fiction. I'm not entirely sure
where I'm going with it but.I wanted to rewrite pieces of the dance
marathon episode (They Shoot Gilmores, Don't They?) I adore Rory but was
sooooooo disappointed in her when she didn't break up with Dean. I feel
like she wimped out and made Dean do the dirty work for her because she was
too scared and worried about everyone else's opinion to do it herself. I
don't see Rory as a weakling and wanted to rewrite the episode showing a
Rory that makes a decision based on what she knows in her heart is the
right thing to do. I also want to show a Rory that actually has a backbone
and can do the right thing, even when it's hard.
I plan to use the basic plot of the dance marathon episode but have Rory get honest with everyone who needs and deserves her honesty (and if you're keeping score, that is principally Dean, Jess, and most importantly, herself.) Make sense? I hope so. FYI.the song quoted is "Lungs" by Townes Van Zandt.
Well, won't you lend your lungs to me?
Mine are collapsing
Plant my feet and bitterly breathe
up the time that's passing.
Breath I'll take and breath I'll give
pray the day ain't poison
stand among the ones that live
in lonely indecision.
Rory stood in the gymnasium at Stars Hollow High and tried to gain control of her racing heart. Her breath had become ragged and her eyes were stinging as tears pooled on her lower eyelids, partially blurring her vision. She tried to breathe deeply to alleviate the constricted feeling she had in her chest. It was as if her lungs had stopped functioning. She could inhale smooth enough, but her exhale was a problem, coming out in staccato chopping the air. Lungs burning, cursing silently, she fought desperately for control as the tears she so greatly feared threatened to spill. 'Not now,' her head screamed at her heart. 'Don't do this now.'
"You want a soda?" Dean asked, walking up behind her stopping short at her elbow.
"No." Rory answered sharply. "..but thanks," she said as an afterthought, remembering her manners. Needing space and wanting to hide her shaking hands from Dean, she said "I'm going to run to the ladies room before I have to start dancing again."
"OK. Want me to hold your sandwich for you?"
Looking down, Rory realized she was still holding the sandwich that had been oh-so-important just two minutes earlier. 'Oh yeah', she thought, 'This is fight-worthy. I'm so glad I morphed into the food police over this stupid egg-free egg salad sandwich.' Sighing, she realized that in her tension, she had squeezed the lower right corner of the sandwich completely flat. Her stomach lurched as a dull pain shot through her lungs again.
Handing the sandwich to Dean, she said "I don't think I'm that hungry after all. If you want it, it's yours."
Dean, taking the sandwich and noticing its squished contents oozing out between the slices of bread said "Yummy," and smiled at her reassuringly.
Without meeting his eyes or returning his smile, Rory did what she did best. She turned and fled.
Arriving in the bathroom, Rory locked herself in a stall and pressed her cheek flush against the cool metal of the stall wall. Shutting her eyes, she saw him clearly. Jess. Squeezing her eyes more tightly shut, she winced at the fresh course of pain ripping through her body. It wasn't a nice memory. Jess's words and the disdain on his face were what had squeezed the air out of her lungs in the first place. 'I was so awful to him' she thought, 'he must hate me.' Because it was impossible to shut it out, Rory gave into the memory completely.
Flashback
Jess had been standing in the break room holding a sandwich. Rory, angry and hurt having watched him purposely make out with Shane right in front of her, confronted him.
"Those Sandwiches are for the dancers," Rory said.
"I'm dancing on the inside." Jess retorted.
"What are you doing here?" Rory snapped at him.
"I live here." Jess informed her sarcastically.
"You have nothing better to do than sit around all day in a gymnasium staring at a dance marathon?"
"I don't know." Jess responded. Looking at Dean who has just walked up next to Rory, he said "Do you have nothing better to do than sit around all day in a gymnasium staring at a dance marathon?"
"I wouldn't direct any sort of comment to me if I were you." Dean warned.
"I'm just trying to support my town." Jess replied, sarcasm dripping from every word.
"Good," Rory replied angrily, "then go back to New York."
"Zing." Jess spit out. "I've been snapped."
"You think you're bugging me, sitting in front of me staring like that?" Rory said, raising her voice.
"You think you're bugging me, dancing in front of me staring like that?" Jess shot back at her.
"I am not staring at you."
"Then how do you know I'm staring at you?" Jess smirked, knowing he'd caught her in a lie.
"I am dancing." Rory condescendingly explained to him. "I cannot control where my glance goes. The few moments I can control it, my glance goes to Dean."
"You can't control when you look at me but you have to force yourself to look at him?" Jess translated for her. Turning to Dean he said "Sorry man, that's cold."
"My former comment still stands." Dean stated flatly, not wishing to engage in the verbal sparring match occurring between Jess and his girlfriend.
"Go home." Rory ordered Jess.
"No thanks." Jess retorted.
"Then get out of my way."
"Didn't realize I was in your way." Jess smirked stepping away from Lane's tower of egg-less egg salad sandwiches. "There you go. It's all yours. God help you."
Shane entered the break room and addressed Jess "Where did you go? I've been sitting out there for, like, 20 minutes."
"Break's only ten." Jess stated humorlessly.
"It's just a saying." Shane whined.
"I came to get food." Jess answered her.
"Good," Shane said, "I'm starving."
Rory addressed Shane angrily "The sandwiches are for the dancers."
"Who are you? Bobby Brady?" Shane said rolling her eyes. "Get a life."
"Rory's feeling a little territorial today." Jess explained to Shane.
"Whatever." Shane sighed. Looking at sandwich she asked, "God, what is this thing?"
Jess stared at Rory and put his arm around Shane's shoulder. Rory stared back at Jess and wrapped her arm around Dean's waist.
Dean, wriggling free from Rory embrace, said "Rory, get your stuff and let's go."
Laughing Jess responded, "That was good. Now say 'and get in there and make me my supper.'"
Rory moved around Jess to pick up a sandwich. "I got it."
"C'mon," Dean told Rory, walking away from Jess and Shane.
"See ya in there," Jess called after them.
End Flashback
Rory did not see Jess remove his arm from Shane's shoulder the second Rory walked away or the look of pain that flashed in his eyes as he in turn, walked away from Shane.
Fingers walk the darkness down
mind is on the midnight
gather up the gold you've found
you fool, it's only moonlight.
If you try to take it home
your hands will turn to butter
You better leave this dream alone
try to find another.
Rory exited the bathroom stall. Although her lungs didn't burn anymore, she didn't feel much better. She strode over to the sink to wash her hands and, reaching for a paper towel, caught a glimpse of her reflection in the mirror. Rory froze as she stared at herself. Her eyes tried futilely to focus but the effort was wasted. Rory didn't recognize herself. 'Who is that person in the mirror? Is that me?' she wondered. 'I look so different, so. sad.' As Rory searched the mirror as if it held clues or the answers to her questions, she became aware of an internal dialog rising within her.
Her head said 'Of course you look different. That dress is straight out of 1943. Like you'd wear that normally!'
'Umm.no.' her heart said. 'Try again.'
'Your hair is piled high. It's too formal and old fashioned. If your hair were down or in a headband, you'd look just like yourself. No worries,' her head tried to convince her.
'Bzzt. Wrong answer yet again!' Rory's heart resonated. 'Dig a little deeper,' it softly urged.
'It's the make-up,' her head protested loudly, becoming more desperate for the control to which it had long grown accustomed. 'You never wear that stuff. Red lipstick is so 1997. Wipe it off, put some lip gloss on and you'll look fine.'
Rory's breathing had become shallow again. She knitted her eyebrows together and leaned closer to the mirror, trying to focus. The internal dialog was intense and confusing.
The voice of her heart was barely audible. Rory had to strain to hear it over the loud clamor of her head. Yet, her heart sounded so gentle, so hopeful, so right. 'Rory,' her heart whispered, 'you're lost. Come home to me.'
"I don't know the way anymore" Rory admitted, eyes tearing.
'Yes,' her heart assured her, 'you do know the way. The path may be overgrown from lack of use but it's still there for you to follow. What do you want, Rory? Here in your heart, what do you want?'
A single tear trickled down her cheek. "I.. I.." Rory stammered.
'I know you're scared,' her heart continued warmly, 'but I can help you find your way back home. You've listened to everyone else but me, and where has that gotten you? You're standing in a bathroom, drowning and desperate. If you'll just trust me, Rory, I know I can save you.'
"What should I do?" Rory asked sniffing.
Her heart smiled warmly, 'Ah, I've been waiting for you to ask me that!'
Rory's eyes returned their search in the mirror. She was shocked to look up and see herself looking back. Herself. Her. Rory. She smiled tentatively. It looked good. The smile grew and she began to laugh. Wiping the residual tears off her cheeks, Rory tossed the used paper towel in the garbage can. After one last deep cleansing breath, she squared her shoulders and exited the bathroom.
She knew what she had to do.
A/N. Cruel place to end, I know but this chapter was getting too long. I have chapter 2 all planned - I just have to write it. I'd appreciate any feedback that anyone wants to leave. Thanks!
I plan to use the basic plot of the dance marathon episode but have Rory get honest with everyone who needs and deserves her honesty (and if you're keeping score, that is principally Dean, Jess, and most importantly, herself.) Make sense? I hope so. FYI.the song quoted is "Lungs" by Townes Van Zandt.
Well, won't you lend your lungs to me?
Mine are collapsing
Plant my feet and bitterly breathe
up the time that's passing.
Breath I'll take and breath I'll give
pray the day ain't poison
stand among the ones that live
in lonely indecision.
Rory stood in the gymnasium at Stars Hollow High and tried to gain control of her racing heart. Her breath had become ragged and her eyes were stinging as tears pooled on her lower eyelids, partially blurring her vision. She tried to breathe deeply to alleviate the constricted feeling she had in her chest. It was as if her lungs had stopped functioning. She could inhale smooth enough, but her exhale was a problem, coming out in staccato chopping the air. Lungs burning, cursing silently, she fought desperately for control as the tears she so greatly feared threatened to spill. 'Not now,' her head screamed at her heart. 'Don't do this now.'
"You want a soda?" Dean asked, walking up behind her stopping short at her elbow.
"No." Rory answered sharply. "..but thanks," she said as an afterthought, remembering her manners. Needing space and wanting to hide her shaking hands from Dean, she said "I'm going to run to the ladies room before I have to start dancing again."
"OK. Want me to hold your sandwich for you?"
Looking down, Rory realized she was still holding the sandwich that had been oh-so-important just two minutes earlier. 'Oh yeah', she thought, 'This is fight-worthy. I'm so glad I morphed into the food police over this stupid egg-free egg salad sandwich.' Sighing, she realized that in her tension, she had squeezed the lower right corner of the sandwich completely flat. Her stomach lurched as a dull pain shot through her lungs again.
Handing the sandwich to Dean, she said "I don't think I'm that hungry after all. If you want it, it's yours."
Dean, taking the sandwich and noticing its squished contents oozing out between the slices of bread said "Yummy," and smiled at her reassuringly.
Without meeting his eyes or returning his smile, Rory did what she did best. She turned and fled.
Arriving in the bathroom, Rory locked herself in a stall and pressed her cheek flush against the cool metal of the stall wall. Shutting her eyes, she saw him clearly. Jess. Squeezing her eyes more tightly shut, she winced at the fresh course of pain ripping through her body. It wasn't a nice memory. Jess's words and the disdain on his face were what had squeezed the air out of her lungs in the first place. 'I was so awful to him' she thought, 'he must hate me.' Because it was impossible to shut it out, Rory gave into the memory completely.
Flashback
Jess had been standing in the break room holding a sandwich. Rory, angry and hurt having watched him purposely make out with Shane right in front of her, confronted him.
"Those Sandwiches are for the dancers," Rory said.
"I'm dancing on the inside." Jess retorted.
"What are you doing here?" Rory snapped at him.
"I live here." Jess informed her sarcastically.
"You have nothing better to do than sit around all day in a gymnasium staring at a dance marathon?"
"I don't know." Jess responded. Looking at Dean who has just walked up next to Rory, he said "Do you have nothing better to do than sit around all day in a gymnasium staring at a dance marathon?"
"I wouldn't direct any sort of comment to me if I were you." Dean warned.
"I'm just trying to support my town." Jess replied, sarcasm dripping from every word.
"Good," Rory replied angrily, "then go back to New York."
"Zing." Jess spit out. "I've been snapped."
"You think you're bugging me, sitting in front of me staring like that?" Rory said, raising her voice.
"You think you're bugging me, dancing in front of me staring like that?" Jess shot back at her.
"I am not staring at you."
"Then how do you know I'm staring at you?" Jess smirked, knowing he'd caught her in a lie.
"I am dancing." Rory condescendingly explained to him. "I cannot control where my glance goes. The few moments I can control it, my glance goes to Dean."
"You can't control when you look at me but you have to force yourself to look at him?" Jess translated for her. Turning to Dean he said "Sorry man, that's cold."
"My former comment still stands." Dean stated flatly, not wishing to engage in the verbal sparring match occurring between Jess and his girlfriend.
"Go home." Rory ordered Jess.
"No thanks." Jess retorted.
"Then get out of my way."
"Didn't realize I was in your way." Jess smirked stepping away from Lane's tower of egg-less egg salad sandwiches. "There you go. It's all yours. God help you."
Shane entered the break room and addressed Jess "Where did you go? I've been sitting out there for, like, 20 minutes."
"Break's only ten." Jess stated humorlessly.
"It's just a saying." Shane whined.
"I came to get food." Jess answered her.
"Good," Shane said, "I'm starving."
Rory addressed Shane angrily "The sandwiches are for the dancers."
"Who are you? Bobby Brady?" Shane said rolling her eyes. "Get a life."
"Rory's feeling a little territorial today." Jess explained to Shane.
"Whatever." Shane sighed. Looking at sandwich she asked, "God, what is this thing?"
Jess stared at Rory and put his arm around Shane's shoulder. Rory stared back at Jess and wrapped her arm around Dean's waist.
Dean, wriggling free from Rory embrace, said "Rory, get your stuff and let's go."
Laughing Jess responded, "That was good. Now say 'and get in there and make me my supper.'"
Rory moved around Jess to pick up a sandwich. "I got it."
"C'mon," Dean told Rory, walking away from Jess and Shane.
"See ya in there," Jess called after them.
End Flashback
Rory did not see Jess remove his arm from Shane's shoulder the second Rory walked away or the look of pain that flashed in his eyes as he in turn, walked away from Shane.
Fingers walk the darkness down
mind is on the midnight
gather up the gold you've found
you fool, it's only moonlight.
If you try to take it home
your hands will turn to butter
You better leave this dream alone
try to find another.
Rory exited the bathroom stall. Although her lungs didn't burn anymore, she didn't feel much better. She strode over to the sink to wash her hands and, reaching for a paper towel, caught a glimpse of her reflection in the mirror. Rory froze as she stared at herself. Her eyes tried futilely to focus but the effort was wasted. Rory didn't recognize herself. 'Who is that person in the mirror? Is that me?' she wondered. 'I look so different, so. sad.' As Rory searched the mirror as if it held clues or the answers to her questions, she became aware of an internal dialog rising within her.
Her head said 'Of course you look different. That dress is straight out of 1943. Like you'd wear that normally!'
'Umm.no.' her heart said. 'Try again.'
'Your hair is piled high. It's too formal and old fashioned. If your hair were down or in a headband, you'd look just like yourself. No worries,' her head tried to convince her.
'Bzzt. Wrong answer yet again!' Rory's heart resonated. 'Dig a little deeper,' it softly urged.
'It's the make-up,' her head protested loudly, becoming more desperate for the control to which it had long grown accustomed. 'You never wear that stuff. Red lipstick is so 1997. Wipe it off, put some lip gloss on and you'll look fine.'
Rory's breathing had become shallow again. She knitted her eyebrows together and leaned closer to the mirror, trying to focus. The internal dialog was intense and confusing.
The voice of her heart was barely audible. Rory had to strain to hear it over the loud clamor of her head. Yet, her heart sounded so gentle, so hopeful, so right. 'Rory,' her heart whispered, 'you're lost. Come home to me.'
"I don't know the way anymore" Rory admitted, eyes tearing.
'Yes,' her heart assured her, 'you do know the way. The path may be overgrown from lack of use but it's still there for you to follow. What do you want, Rory? Here in your heart, what do you want?'
A single tear trickled down her cheek. "I.. I.." Rory stammered.
'I know you're scared,' her heart continued warmly, 'but I can help you find your way back home. You've listened to everyone else but me, and where has that gotten you? You're standing in a bathroom, drowning and desperate. If you'll just trust me, Rory, I know I can save you.'
"What should I do?" Rory asked sniffing.
Her heart smiled warmly, 'Ah, I've been waiting for you to ask me that!'
Rory's eyes returned their search in the mirror. She was shocked to look up and see herself looking back. Herself. Her. Rory. She smiled tentatively. It looked good. The smile grew and she began to laugh. Wiping the residual tears off her cheeks, Rory tossed the used paper towel in the garbage can. After one last deep cleansing breath, she squared her shoulders and exited the bathroom.
She knew what she had to do.
A/N. Cruel place to end, I know but this chapter was getting too long. I have chapter 2 all planned - I just have to write it. I'd appreciate any feedback that anyone wants to leave. Thanks!