A Man Who Could Make You Laugh Again

"I'm going to ask one last time, and then I'm just going to punish everyone," said Dr. Joan Leland, head doctor of Arkham Asylum, as she glared sternly at the assembled group of inmates. "Unless someone is willing to tell me who did it."

She looked pointedly at Harley Quinn, who looked coolly back at her, clinging to Joker's arm adoringly. "I do have my suspicions," continued Dr. Leland. "But unless someone gives me a name, everyone is getting their TV privileges revoked."

"A very idle threat for some of us, if you don't mind me saying, Dr. Leland," spoke up Jervis Tetch, otherwise known as the Mad Hatter. "Some of us don't watch TV."

"And those of you who don't are not high on my suspect list," replied Dr. Leland. "I suspect it's someone here who enjoys the 3-5 PM weekday cartoon block, as well as the Saturday morning cartoon block. A certain someone who won't be getting to watch his cartoon blocks for a very long time. And nobody will be getting to watch anything for a very long time, unless one of you tells me who it was."

"If you suspect it was J, why punish all of us?" demanded Poison Ivy. "Why not just punish him?"

"Because that's not how the law works, Pamela," retorted Dr. Leland. "People cannot be convicted on suspicions. They need evidence."

"Well, that's not what Batman thinks!" chuckled Joker. "Whenever he sees us out and about, he always attacks us, whether we're actually up to something or not! His suspicions about us causing trouble are why we're all here now!"

"And mine are going to revoke all your TV privileges!" snapped Dr. Leland. "Unless someone tells me who it was!"

"J!" snapped Ivy, pointing at him. "Of course it was J! Who else causes trouble around here? He thought it would be funny to put rotten eggs in the air conditioning system, because he's a total jerk who thinks that making people suffer is hilarious!"

"Red!" snapped Harley, furiously. "Mr. J paid you twenty bucks not to squeal on him!"

"TV is worth more than twenty bucks, Harley!" snapped Ivy. "My gardening show is the one thing that keeps me sane in here!"

"Well, gee, I didn't know your gardening show was worth stabbing your friend in the back!" snapped Harley. "At least when Mr. J throws a punch, I can see it coming! Ow!" she cried, as Joker's fist suddenly collided with the back of her head.

"You little idiot – I could have denied Pammie's accusation by saying she's always out to get me!" shouted Joker. "But now you've told Leland I bribed her, plus confirmed it was my doing! Your big blabbermouth is worse than a prison snitch's, and I've shanked my fair share of those!"

"Leave her alone!" shouted Jonathan Crane, the Scarecrow, striding forward as Joker punched Harley again, knocking her to the ground. "Pick on someone your own size for once!"

"Don't flatter yourself, pal!" snapped Joker, rounding on him. "You are in no way my size, as a supervillain or as a man! So just back off!" he shouted, shoving him back.

"Guards, take Joker to solitary!" ordered Dr. Leland, as a group of guards descended on him. "Everyone else may return to the Rec Room, with full access to the TV."

"Are you all right?" asked Crane, hurrying over to Harley and helping her up.

"Yeah," muttered Harley, glaring at the group of guards that dragged Joker away. "Just pissed off."

"You can't be blamed for that – he has no right to treat you like that…" began Crane.

"I mean pissed off at Joan," snapped Harley. "I don't want puddin' locked up in solitary where I can't get to him. I'm not happy when he's not with me. And now I gotta look forward to however many weeks of being miserable."

She kicked at the ground, and then stormed toward the Rec Room. "Why do they punish a guy for just trying to have a little fun anyway?" she demanded. "God knows that's hard enough in this town, never mind this dump!"

"Harley, I don't know why you defend that man," said Crane, following her. "Especially right after he's abused you like that…"

"Because she's insane," muttered Ivy, taking a seat on the sofa and flicking on her gardening show.

"Because I love him, Red," snapped Harley, sitting down next to her. "I love him," she repeated, in a softer tone. "I mean, everyone has bad days, and bad moods. All the pressures of life build up, and get to you, and sometimes you accidentally hurt the people you love."

"Have you ever accidentally hurt J?" demanded Ivy.

"Sure, lots of times," said Harley, shrugging. "There was that time I tried to kill Batman…"

"And J shoved you out of a window twenty storeys up," finished Ivy, nodding.

"Well, there was that time I didn't laugh at one of his jokes…" began Harley.

"And he smashed your face into a wall," finished Ivy.

"How about that time I screwed up the jewel heist…" began Harley.

"And he tied you to the railroad tracks and left you," said Ivy.

"Aw, he was only kidding around – he was gonna come back for me before the train came through," said Harley, waving her hand.

"My point is, every time you accidentally hurt him, he intentionally hurts you back worse," said Ivy. "And that's really not what relationships are supposed to be about, violent one-upmanship, and a contest to see who can hurt the other one more."

"Well, that's what our relationship is about," said Harley, shrugging. "It's unique and special, and it works for us."

Ivy rolled her eyes, and then looked at Crane. "See? Insane," she said, nodding at Harley.

"You're just jealous that you don't have a fella who's as loving and loyal to you as my puddin' is to me," retorted Harley.

"I think we might have different definitions of the words loving and loyal," replied Ivy. "See, your problem, Harley, is that you don't have any experience of relationships with other men. The Joker was the first guy who showed an interest in you when you were a shrink here in Arkham. He got under your skin, so you don't know how real, mutually loving relationships are supposed to work. So you attach yourself to people who treat you like crap, because you don't know any better. Now shut up – I'm trying to watch my show."

Harley stuck her tongue out at Ivy. "What does she know?" muttered Harley, standing up and leaving her. "I got a great relationship, and a buncha great friends who treat me fine. Like you, Johnny!" she said, beaming at Crane. "You came to defend me from Mr. J! And I've asked you not to do that," she snapped, frowning suddenly. "I don't want you getting hurt for my sake, and Mr. J tends to hurt people who try and spoil his fun."

"His fun in beating you?" asked Crane, dryly. "Forgive me, Harley, but I'm not just going to stand idly by and let someone treat you like that…"

"Yes, you are," she interrupted, firmly. "For your own good. I really care about my friends, and I'd never forgive myself if you got hurt trying to defend me, when there's no point in doing that. I'm used to a little pain being with Mr. J this long. You're a nice guy, and I don't want to see something bad happen to you trying to prevent something that I don't even mind. So please just stay outta it in future. For me?" she asked, hopefully, gazing up at him with her wide, blue eyes.

Crane couldn't speak when she looked at him like that, but managed a nod. "Great, thanks, Johnny!" she said, beaming and kissing his cheek. "See ya soon!" she said, skipping out of the Rec Room. "I'm gonna find a way to sneak into solitary!"

Crane stared after her, and then sank down on the sofa, sighing. "Go pine for her somewhere else – my show's on," snapped Ivy, her eyes fixed on the TV.

"Sorry," said Crane, standing up again. He paused. "Do you really think that? That Harley's so attached to the Joker just because he was the first guy to be…openly interested in her? You think it's just because she never knew any different?"

"Yeah," said Ivy, shrugging. "A first love is an incredibly strong thing – I should know. Couple that with the fact that she sees him as the guy who saved her from her life of loneliness and repression, and it kinda makes sense why she's so attached to him. I mean, as much sense as a crazy person can actually make. But it's only because she doesn't know any better – it's not like they're soulmates or anything. If it had been some other guy here in Arkham who showed an interest in her instead of J, she'd be crazy about him now, you mark my words. Not that there's any way to prove that theory."

"Well…perhaps there is," said Crane thoughtfully, as an idea struck him. "Perhaps there is."

"Uh huh, TV now, so beat it," said Ivy, ignoring him and turning her attention back to the screen.

Crane left the Rec Room and made his way back to the cell block. "Jervis?" he called. "Are you in here?"

"Excellent timing, Jonathan – I'm just making some tea!" called back Tetch from his cell. "Do come in and have a cup!"

"Thank you," said Crane, opening the door to his friend's cell.

"I daresay we need a cup of tea after all that unpleasantness this morning," sighed Tetch, pouring two cups from a teapot. "We must pray for cool weather until they get the air conditioning system cleaned – rotten eggs is enough to put anyone off their tea."

"Well, I suppose it's not the worst thing he could have chosen to put in the air conditioning," sighed Crane. "Jervis…I was wondering if I could ask a favor."

"Of course, anything," said Tetch, smiling at his friend. "How can I help, Jonathan?"

"I was wondering if you still had the means to make…an alternate reality simulator," said Crane, slowly.

Tetch's smile fell into a frown as he put down his cup. Then he got up and opened the cell door, looking around carefully before shutting it firmly. "You mustn't mention such things with the Joker around," Tetch whispered. "He's broken my last five…"

"He's locked up in solitary confinement…" began Crane.

"I still don't trust him not to be listening," whispered Tetch. "The man has almost supernatural powers sometimes, and I will not risk him destroying another one of my precious creations. They're not easy to build, you know. It takes a lot of time and effort to simulate an entire reality from scratch."

"I just have a theory I'd like to test out," said Crane. "Pamela thinks…the only reason Harley is so attached to the Joker is because he was the one to show an interest in her when Harley began her career at Arkham. She thinks if anyone else had done so, Harley would be equally obsessed with them now."

"That seems far-fetched," commented Tetch, picking up his tea again. "I know Pamela is a bit of a cynic when it comes to romance, and one can't blame her, based on her experiences, but to me, Harley and Joker's relationship makes perfect sense. They seem ideal for each other."

"Ideal?" repeated Crane, furiously. "To see that monster beat that angel like he did earlier?"

"Harley does not object to being beaten by him," replied Tetch, shrugging. "Her relationship is something she has chosen, despite the violence. One would assume, therefore, that the violence is something she enjoys on some level. Which is why I think she and the Joker are ideal for each other. They share a love of pain, and Harley is the only woman in the world who would relish putting up with his emotional distance and insane mood swings. But relish it she does – she's usually happy. They have their occasional spats, but by and large she clearly finds the relationship emotionally fulfilling."

"And you don't think she could find that emotional fulfillment with another man?" demanded Crane. "Who wouldn't make her put up with violence and insane mood swings?"

Tetch looked at him pityingly. "My dear Jonathan, I do know something of what you are going through," he said, softly. "And I sympathize with your desire to want to be the man Harley wants. But I'm just trying to save you from an inevitable disappointment, when you use my reality simulator and discover that Harley has no romantic interest in you, despite the change in your circumstances."

"How do you know that will happen?" demanded Crane. "We might be very happy together…"

"Because it happened to me," interrupted Tetch, gently. He poured himself another cup. "I built a sixth simulator, after Joker broke the other five. And this time I finally got to use it for the purpose for which it was intended – to change the circumstances of my life so that Alice and I could be together. I tried every combination I could think of – I made it so her fiance never existed, I changed myself into a young, handsome, ideal man, I even wiped out everyone else on earth except for her and me…none of it worked. And I gradually realized that we could never be together, because we weren't meant to be together. Our fate is something I could never change. And we shouldn't try to change what is meant to be. I am afraid that Joker and Harley are one of those things."

"You mean to tell me that you think that gorgeous, gentle, sweet woman, that angel on earth, was born to be an abused toy of that monster's?" demanded Crane.

"From your perspective, yes," said Tetch, nodding. "Although I imagine she looks at it a little differently."

"I don't believe you!" snapped Crane. "I am a scientist, Jervis, and so are you! And scientists don't believe in fate, or that things are meant to be! Things can be changed, and will be changed, given a different set of circumstances. That's what science is all about, experimentation, and changing conditions to get different results."

Tetch sighed deeply, and then reached under his bed to withdraw a top hat with several dials and wires attached. "Very well then," he said, handing it to him. "Don't say I didn't warn you, and on your head be it. Quite literally," he said, smiling. "And for God's sake, whatever you do, don't let the Joker get ahold of it, or he'll smash it into a thousand pieces."

"Don't worry, Jervis," said Crane, taking the hat from him carefully. "The Joker isn't going to destroy anything anymore. At least, not where I'm going."