Back to December

A/N Yet another MollCroft one shot inspired by a song. 'Back to December - Taylor Swift'

A little grim in places and quite long!

Molly fidgeted nervously with the zip on her coat; her heart was in her throat as she stood on the corner just outside St Barts hospital. She was filled with hopeful doubt as she waited, she couldn't believe he'd agreed to meet her. She hadn't seen him for over two months now; not since she, well, since then.

She'd sent several texts and emails to him since that day but they all remained unopened and finally, finally, one had gotten through and he'd replied with a curt,

'A car will collect you at 6pm, St Barts. - MH'

Snow had fell late this winter and there was a thin blanket still on the ground even now at the end of February. She pulled her scarf tighter and then breathed heavily on her hands, he'd be here soon. Molly adjusted her coat for the umpteenth time. God, she hoped he'd been willing to hear her out.

And as if he heard her private wish, a black car rolled up the curb and the door opened slowly. Molly didn't breath as she squinted her eyes to see if he was inside.

"Well?" Came a fed up tone from the back of the dark car. His voice was all the encouragement she needed as she clambered in. Once Molly had settled inside she took amount to allow her eyes to adjust to the dark inside the car; outside the snow had coursed a beautiful glare off of every street lamp and car head light but inside the car was a stark contrast. She smiled, her cheeks rosy red and her nose glowed from the swift change in temperatures. She glanced up at Mycroft but his eyes were fixed forward as the car pulled off, his shoulders tense and his hands still. He didn't look ready to listen at all, in fact he looked as though she may be travelling the green mile and had had her final rights removed.

"I just-" Molly whispered, but she soon cut herself off at the icy stare he threw her way. Not having the discussion here then. She glanced up into the rear view mirror and saw the driver's eyes flick upwards then straight back to the road.

After fifteen minutes of thick, heavy silence the car came to a stand still. They were outside what looked like a large group of industrial units, far away from any other buildings. Molly came to realise this was actually an old aircraft hangar, how did he find these place?

He opened his door of the car and gracefully climbed out, her door opened a few moments later and a hand extended to help her. Molly blushed a little at the old fashioned style, it was one of the many things that she had come to adore about the man in front of her; Sherlock could say what he liked about Mycroft but he could never deny that he was a gentleman.

They both walked towards a door on the hangar's front and he opened it allowing her to enter first. The driver had come to stand outside the door and kept his eye out for any unwelcome guests; another man was standing nearby and another was actually inside the hanger constantly surveying the area, all three holding guns tightly in the right hand. Molly couldn't help fight the notion that this had once gotten on her nerves; the constant prying eyes, and the amount of 'set up' each meeting took to arrange, simple cafe dates or moments he spontaneously appeared for afternoon tea with her she knew hadn't been spontaneous at all. Athena had probably be preparing the intervention since 8am that morning. But still, here she was now wishing it had never changed. That he was still now keeping a watch over her, being an overprotective lover, scolding her for taking stupid risks as she rebelled hard trying to flex her independence.

I'm so glad you made time to see me.
How's life? Tell me how's your family?
I haven't seen them in a while.
You've been good, busier than ever,

In the dimly lit hangar a table and two chairs had been set up with a tea set just to the side on a trolley. 'Oh what it would be like to be the team that received the orders to set this up.' Molly mused, smiling at the idea of the secret agents having to arrange the tables and lay the trolley.

He spotted her smile and his eyes narrowed. He lead Molly to her chair and waited until she had removed her coat before insisting she sat down. They both sat in silence for a short moment, observing the other, waiting for the other to make the first move to get this conversation over with.

Molly cleared her throat, "Thank you. Thanks for coming to meet me...I," He said nothing, just watched her, eyes bored and she was sure he wasn't listening. "...How are you?"

"Miss Hooper, if you arrived this little meeting to engage in small talk-" He began to rise,

"No! No, no… I mean, no I was just..." Damn it all to hell, "Because I still care..." No secret there, she did love all the men involved in her life, even if the capacities were different, and dating or not, he still meant the world to her. His chin rose as he watched her but she didn't continue, she moved to begin the tea. Slowly though, she was using the small interlude to form some actual sentences, she wished she thought of it early.

Sugar lump for her. No sugar for him. Milky for her, just a dash for him. The tea sat in the teapot brewing. "How's," She glanced around and decided it would be okay, "Sherlock? Has he been in touch?"

Mycroft had sat rigid in his chair since he'd taken the position and had his hands resting on his legs but at the mention of his brother she saw his eye muscles move just a little and he crossed his legs, ankle resting on knee. His chin raised a little higher still, Molly was sure it was possible for him to look down his nose at her any more than he was now. She squirmed and began to pour the tea, regardless of how weak it would be now. He cleared his throat, "He will be back in England in the next 6 months or so." He noted a genuine tired smile that reached her eyes as she stirred. Of course she'd be happy his brother was returning, Mycroft rolled his eyes.

We small talk, work and the weather,
Your guard is up and I know why.
Because the last time you saw me
Is still burned in the back of your mind.
You gave me roses and I left them there to die.

She picked up her cup and cradled it to her chest as she leaned back in her chair. There was an ache in her chest as she reviewed the scene she sat in, this, not a year ago was how they used to see each other on regular occasions and she missed it. Missed it so much more than she'd ever thought. Her eyes started to feel heavy and that sorrowful ache came to her throat.

Mycroft watched her in her reverie and his mask slipped, just a little. Why had she called him to meet now? He wanted to push her for answers and sneer and shout and tell her how she'd proven that caring really wasn't an an advantage. That he had come to depend on her and the time with her as a sort of release, in making time to see her over that last year he had actually been making time for himself. Something he hadn't done in a long time. And he loathed her now for taking that away from him, he couldn't just make a 30 minute break in the day for him to have tea alone and do nothing but sit there, it was preposterous. But he could make time for a meeting which she was described as for the first six months of their 'relationship'. Yes their time at the start was merely meetings to keep her up to date with his brothers status. And then… well, then it changed. The venue's became more romantic, the thought killed him, and then they became more open with one and other. The weekend breaks were something he could never justify alone.

That last time he saw her back in December…

They wouldn't know it, but they were both reflecting on the same moment at the same time. Molly couldn't undo the hurt she saw in his eyes, the devastation at her rejection. Mycroft couldn't stop the crushing force that threatened to drag him to the bowels of the earth when she left him standing there on the top of the roof terrace.

Molly had arrived at Mycroft's home dressed in the a long black gown. He'd had it sent over to her flat last week with yet another note apologising for calling off their date that evening. He'd been kept late in the US and wouldn't make it home before breakfast tomorrow.

That wasn't the first time he'd cancelled on her, in fact it was the - she checked the pile of notes she kept in her bedside drawer - 36th time. Thirty six times in the last 9 months they had made plans and he had to cancel or try to rearrange to see her. Luckily she was flexible, and promises of a weekend in Paris to be replaced by a midnight meal in a warehouse didn't bother her too much because she was so happy to just get time with him.

And the time she did spend with him, no matter how infrequent, was incredible and completely blissful.

Of course she knew it would be like this, the constant battle for attention between herself and England but she hoped… well she hoped she'd win sometimes. She told herself that one more cancellation before New Year and she'd have to choose herself and do something about it, the heartache each note caused was wearing her down slowly but surely. Her eyes watered, God she had fallen for him but she wasn't prepared to feel like this any more. She'd talk to him the next time she saw him, she'd insist they met at one of their homes and she could tell him everything. And tonight was the night.

She wore the dress as requested and knocked the door. It was the middle of December so the evening was dark and cold, but in a beautiful frost way. Martin answered, he was the head of the help around Mycroft's home. "Welcome Doctor Hooper," He gestured for her to come in, "Mr Holmes is on the roof terrace, he has requested you join him when you arrive."

Molly smiled and head up the staircases and onto the roof top. As she opened the glass door, someone came up behind her and covered her eyes. "Mycroft…"

"Sssh, please. Just trust me." He began to walk her awkwardly round to the back of the terrace. He removed his hands and she gasped. He had a table set up in the middle of the area with a white tablecloth covering it. In the centre was a lone candle surrounded by dinnerware and rose petals. Around the edges of the balcony fairy lights had been wrapped and a soft waltz played through the speakers. Molly's heart tightened as Mycroft placed a blazer over her shoulders and wrapped his arms around her waist. The height difference meant he was able to lean his chin on the top of her head.

"Mycroft… It's, just, wow." Her voice cracked. He said nothing but reluctantly removed himself and lead her to the table, he pulled out the chair and seated her before moving to his own. She spotted the beautiful sole rose that lay at her place and admired it, a soft smile on her lips. She then patted her eyes with the napkin and took a deep breath. "It's beautiful." His lips quirked in the Mycroft smile and he began to pour the wine.

"Yes, you are." Mycroft cleared his throat, and Molly took a breath to speak, " Please Molly," She paused, "While away in the US I found myself reflecting on us and how much I have come to cherish this. I am not a man of feelings or sentiment but realised I couldn't be without you," He gestured to her with the glass and smiled, "And it was ridiculously apparent what I must do next." He stood and got to one knee, "Doctor Molly Hooper, would you do me the honour of becoming my wife?"

Time froze as Molly felt her heart shatter, the look on her face wasn't one of love or of joyous surprise or passion, it was grief and a thousand apologies. "Mycroft…" She stood, "It's, I… Can't do this." And with that she feld.

So this is me swallowing my pride,
Standing in front of you saying, "I'm sorry for that night,"
And I go back to December all the time.
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you.
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine.
I'd go back to December, turn around and make it all right.
I go back to December all the time.

A single tear rolled down Molly's face as she sniffed over her tea cup. Mycroft's eyes snapped to her as he watched her try to compose herself under his gaze. Why was she crying? She'd invited him to meet, they had and now they sat in silence as she cried. The primitive urge to ensure crying females were protected and comforted kicked in, though he wasn't entirely sure how to, or why he felt it his responsibility now. She was the one who left, she was the one who owed him an explanation.

After a moment, he offered her a handkerchief, "Doctor Hooper?"

She looked up and met his eyes, "I am so sorry Mycroft." Another sob escaped as she tried to recover. "I wanted to talk to you sooner but, you've been ignoring my messages, not that I blame you. I was heartless, and I was so stupid." She rambled and sobbed. He pushed the handkerchief into her hand and sat back, she needed to compose herself if they were to have a proper conversation, he poured them both a fresh cup of tea. She gulped and sipped the very sweet brew.

She should have stayed and talk it over, she should have told him the 35th time that it was getting on her nerves, that she wasn't handling the situation well but no instead she just cuts him off. She was such an idiot! He'd have tried to fix it, she was sure. He would have had an answer especially because he wanted her, he wanted her to be his wife. Fresh tears began to fall as the resounding sound of his heart breaking echoed in her ears.

These days I haven't been sleeping,
Staying up, playing back myself leavin'.
When your birthday passed and I didn't call.
And I think about summer, all the beautiful times,
I watched you laughing from the passenger side.
Realized I loved you in the fall.

"Doctor Hooper, I don't understand your dismay. I obviously misread the situation before-"

"Molly, please." Molly sniffed and wiped her eyes, "We don't have to pretend that-"

"It isn't appropriate-"

"Stop it! Please, just call me Molly, right now, here in this room. If, after today, you want to forget what we had then, fine. But please, don't. Just for now?"

He sighed, "Molly," he saw her visibly relax, and eyed her thoughtfully, "You haven't been sleeping."

She shook her head and swallowed, "I haven't slept well for a while, my head doesn't seem to shut off."

"That, and you're taking on an illegal amount of overtime, so much so they can't actually pay you for the amount of hours you worked last month." He informed her, eyebrow raised. "If you are having money troubles-"

"No. No, nothing like that. In fact, the opposite at the moment," She gave a weak smile, "I just needed to keep busy." They paused for a moment, and then, "I probably already know why, but why haven't you replied until now?"

"I hadn't been aware you'd tried to contact me until this morning." Mycroft admitted begrudgingly, Athena had intervened and thought she was doing what was best for him and the country. They needed him back on the ball and more emotional distractions wasn't how to achieve that. He had reprimanded her harshly when he found out about the text messages and the emails she had stored on file, furious that Molly had gotten in touch just days later and this could have possibly been sorted out sooner.

He pinched the bridge of his nose, as he watched Molly give him a glassy eyed looked. It did sound like a half hearted excuse and an embarrassing one given he's meant to know 'everything'. A soft smile played on her lips as she watched her fingers, she had become lost again in a memory of one of the times he had gotten away from work for a few hours one weekend.

He had told her he could drive and she wouldn't believe it, the overprivileged man he was would never need to drive. So he arranged within 15 minutes to have a car brought round and ordered her inside. She laughed as he methodically checked each mirror and adjusted each setting, he just quirked an eyebrow and carried on with his set up.

They drove for hours that night, lost in the company of each other and the utter escapism they felt together. She fell asleep after a short while but woke to the sound of a radio play quietly carrying on in the back ground and before she was truly alert she spied a smile on Mycroft's lips as he listened and was mesmerized by the sound of his deep laughter.

It was after that night that the relationship took another step.

While Molly was lost in her thoughts again Mycroft became absorbed in his. Not the same memory this time but one a little later in the year.

'Are you free tonight? - MH x'

'Around 9, yes - MH'

'Great, bring a coat, it's cold out - MH x'

He arrived at her flat shortly before 9 and climbed the stairs, she was already outside her front door when he saw her. He smirked at her hat with a fuzzy bobble on top and rolled his eyes when he handed him a black one.

"I'm not wearing this Molly." He went to hand it back.

It was her turn to roll her eyes, "Mycroft, it's really cold out-"

"I'll be fine."

"Alright, just keep it in your pocket just in case." She smiled and tiptoed to kiss his cheek. "Hi." She blushed

"Good evening." He raised an eyebrow and continued, "Where are we heading?"

"I'd say it's a surprise but you'll have palpitations, not to mention the secret service will be in knots." Molly said in mock exasperation. "Regents Park." With that he tapped into his phone and no doubt 10 agents were now positioned around the park entrance and 3 were probably following them as they walked the streets of London, and travelled the tube, arm in arm. He hadn't asked why the park, he knew Molly was particularly fond of it and her little impulses were quite adorable, once he had time to prepare for them.

They rounded the corner and he became aware of a great fire burning in the centre and hundreds of people milling around. Of course it's bonfire night! He hadn't noticed it because he hadn't indulged in the celebration since he was about 18 year olds. Molly weaved the pair in and out of couples and families until they were right up against the barrier around the fire.

"Isn't it beautiful?" Molly gasped

"...yes, incredibly." Mycroft didn't take his eyes off of Molly as she watched the flames dance around the night air and the crackle of the fire wood. He watched the shadows move along her face and the glow on her cheeks. It was one of the most intense and heartfelt moments of his life, simply watching her lost in the fire. He felt utter helpless and overcome.

She turned to him and gave him a genuine smile, he lost himself for a second and gathered her in his arms and kissed her soundly on the mouth. Within a few seconds he had regained a little control and simply held her closely, both watching the fire.

And then the cold came, the dark days when fear crept into my mind
You gave me all your love and all I gave you was "Goodbye".
I miss your tanned skin, your sweet smile,
So good to me, so right
And how you held me in your arms that September night
The first time you ever saw me cry.

Molly recalled when her cat, Toby, had become terribly ill and Mycroft was away again, in Turkey this time she believed.

She had texted him the night before telling him how concerned she was about her furry companion but when she got no reply, she turned off her phone. She gathered up Toby and hailed a cab, he needed a vet and there was a good chance he wasn't going to come back with her. Tears fell freely on the way, she cradled him to her chest and met no protest which was so unlike him, he hated being held for too long. She probably shouldn't do this alone, she could call John but… this seemed small compared to what he was going through and of course, the guilt of knowing Sherlock was actually alive and his big brother was with him right now, well that was something she couldn't face right now.

She climbed out of the cab and rushed into the vet, explaining rapidly the decline in the poor creature's health. She was seen within a few moments, his still form laying on the table. Her hands trembled as the vet examined him and Molly tried to swallow a sob when he looked at her with sorrow in his eyes. The vet left the room briefly to discuss treatment with another and just then a commotion was heard in the waiting room. Molly could have sworn that it was Mycroft's voice but that was impossible, and as if impossible things happened every day he waltzed into the room. A receptionist looked furious when he slammed the door in her face. She tried to come in again and he shouted, "Athena!" And within a second his assistant was there ushering the woman away.

The site of Mycroft, dark skinned and in such casual attire made Molly gulp and sob. He took her in his arms and held her as she squeezed him closer, "Mycroft," Hic, "How-?"

"Later." He whispered, the vet entered the room once more and before he could speak Mycroft started, "Whatever the problem, whatever the cost - see to his recovery." The look and tone Mycroft used left no room for debate and vet left the couple once more to make preparations for surgery.

Toby recovered and she couldn't have been grateful.

Maybe this is wishful thinking,
Probably mindless dreaming,
But if we loved again, I swear I'd love you right.

Silence reigned once again as they both come to from their memories, Molly was much calmer now and began, "I know I've said it, but I can't say it enough, I am so sorry." She leaned forward and took his hand which held his cup. "That night, I was fed up with the constant fight to have time with you that I decided not having you at all was going to be easier than being teased with the thought of you." She blushed, still holding his hand, counting her blessings he hadn't pulled away. "Mycroft, I love you. I've loved you so much longer than I wanted to admit. Leaving you there, after that beautiful… I don't deserve you, you are so much more than I can ever be and you gave me so much more than I could ever give you."

I'd go back in time and change it but I can't.
So if the chain is on your door I understand.

He didn't respond, he was rooted to the spot as he listened to her spill her heart across the table. "I should have told you, spoken to you. I know now that we could have managed, adjusted. Together, we'd have made it work…" She rubbed her thumb over his hand as she thought some more. "I should have given you an answer and then we could have sorted this, because being with you is so much more important than the silly problems I stressed about." She pulled her hand back and took a deep breath, "You don't have to say anything and I understand if you walk away now. I've said everything I can think of and you've done more than enough by just hearing me out. So thank you, Mr Holmes." She stood and replaced her coat, his eyes never leaving her.

But this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you saying, "I'm sorry for that night."
And I go back to December...
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you,
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine.
I'd go back to December, turn around and make it all right.
I'd go back to December, turn around and change my own mind

"Doctor Hooper," Her heart sank, that was it then, 'Doctor Hooper' was all she could hope to be to the eldest Holmes brother. She turned to him, her eyes sorrowful but a small smile on her lips, at least he was talking. "I'm not prone to flights of fancy, but, if we could go back to December, what would you have said?" He stood now just two feet away.

Her heart swelled as tears threatened to fall again, "Yes, it would be my honour to be your wife." She turned to him and tears fell as saw he was holding the ring box. "And then we would have kissed and dinner would have been forgotten."

He moved to her and gathered her once more in his arms, a hand at the back of her neck the other around her waist under her coat. "Tell me you want to be Mrs Holmes."

"Your Mrs Holmes, more than anything in the world." She breathed and with in a moment his lips were on on hers and not a moment was wasted.

I go back to December all the time.
All the time.