Okay, so a few years ago I started a Joker/Harley kid series….and lost all interest. This is the re-write of that series, with better writing, storyline and characterisation. :)

Please read and review :)

…

"You've got to tell him eventually Harls…" murmured Poison Ivy, watching as her friend reached down into the cot and gently stroke the hair of the baby in it, "…I can't keep lying to that maniac…I won't. He'll force his way in one day and I won't stop him….he needs to know."

"But Red!" whined Harley, "What if he tells me to get rid of him, my baby!"

"What did he say when you told him you were pregnant?"

"Ummmmm…."

"You did tell him right?!"

Harley shrugged, "He never mentioned anything about wanting' children…Didn't want to upset him."

"So…..he doesn't know?"

"…When I couldn't hide it anymore, I came here."

"Yeah, and that was a few months ago! Harley, he's going crazy looking for you….more crazy!"

Seemingly torn at this, Harley sighed "Give me a few more weeks Red….and I'll call him."

…

Two more months went by and Ivy was ready to tear her hair out with the stress. The brat never seemed to sleep and Harley only encouraged him! Making him laugh, never letting him leave her sight.

As Harley went to give her son a change, Red made the decision to go shopping….she needed retail therapy and fast. However, when she went to open the door, she almost ran straight into the mob boss himself….the Joker.

"Ivy…." Crooned the man, wagging his finger in her face, "…you've been telling big porky pies to me! Naughty, naughty!"

Ivy desperately tried to school her face into a neutral expression. "I have no idea what you mean…" she sighed, "….now unless you're volunteering to carry all my shopping for me, I suggest you move out of my way clown."

She attempted to push past the man, however, the Joker's thugs pushed her back into the apartment. Before Ivy could teach them a lesson in manners, there was the sound of a baby beginning to sob….and then Harley's sing-song voice from within a guest bedroom.

"Aah, now don't cry sugar! Ya gotta be a happy kid for Mommy! Turn that frown upside down!"

Ivy winced….the Joker was beginning to look pissed off now. As he opened his mouth to scream at either her or for Harley, the leading lady herself exited the guest room….her baby in her arms.

"I dunno who's been feeding him grapes Red, but I think that one melted my eyebrows off my-Puddin'!?"

Joker scowled at the scared blonde, his eyes focused on the baby in her arms. "Is it mine?" he growled menacingly, stepping closer and closer to his partner.

Harley nodded frantically, angling herself so that she partially protected her son. "O-of course Mista J! There ain't nobody else, I swear!"

"Then why did you leave Harley…." Hissed the mobster, backing the girl into a wall, "…if it were mine, why did you leave without telling me where you went!"

The baby began to sob in Harley's arms, prompting her to rock him back and forth. "I-I swear puddin', I only left because I was getting fat and ugly. You wouldn't have wanted to see your Harley Quinn like that would ya?"

There was a tense silence for a few moments, before the Joker beamed at Harley. "You always have my best interests at heart babe!"

He held out his arms, silently asking for Harley to hand the baby over. Ivy was dismayed to see that Harley didn't even hesitate before handing the boy over….but found herself surprised when the maniac began to make funny faces at the baby.

The boy laughed at the strange man in front of him, which only caused the Joker's smile to broaden. "There you go! Laughing like your Daddy!"

Privately, Ivy disagreed….the kid's laughter was much saner sounding.

Harley giggled as the Joker tucked his son into his side with one arm and pulled her closer with the other. "You're not still mad at me are ya puddin'?" she asked, pouting up at him.

"Now how could I be mad at you...?" He cooed, "….you've given me an heir! Now…what's his name?"

Harley grinned, "I called him Jesse….or my little Jester!"

"Jester! I love it!" cackled Joker

He stood there laughing for a few moments, before Ivy sighed impatiently. "Great. Can you get out now…go play happy families somewhere else."

The Joker glared at her, before clicking his fingers at his goons and gesturing to the other rooms. "Go get their stuff…." He ordered, "…and be quick about it."

He glanced at Harley and pinched her cheek, "I think you deserve some nicer clothes as a reward, hmmmm?"

Harley squeaked slightly in joy as the Joker's goons began to carry her and Jesse's stuff out of the rooms. When everything was cleared out, Joker (his son still in his arms) clicked his fingers once more. "Come on babe, let's get out of here."

Waggling her fingers at Ivy, Harley eagerly followed Joker out of the door. As the door slammed shut, Ivy sighed. "Good luck Harley…."

….

Eight months later, the Joker watched Harley dancing on the stripper stage in his club. Jesse sat beside him, chewing on his teddy's ear.

"Ummmm, Mister Joker…Sir?"

The Joker's eyes flickered to the mobster sitting opposite him, who was staring at Jesse.

"Shouldn't he be with his Mom or something?" asked the mobster.

The Joker was silent for a few moments, before cackling uncontrollably and pointing towards the stage. "You want me to put him on there?! With our little Harley Quinn?! A baby on a stripper stage….and they call me a sicko!"

This caused the mobster to lean away from the maniac, a worried look flashing across his face as his eyes darted between the Joker and Harley on the stage. "I-I'm sorry….I didn't realise that your Harley Quinn was his mother."

The laughter stopped as quickly as it began, and a cold look flashed over the Joker's face. "And why not…" he hissed, "….why wouldn't my queen be the mother to my heir, hmmmmm? Or do you think I just sleep with every little whore that walks into my eye-sight?"

"N-no! Of course not I-"

He was stopped in his tracks…when a bullet hit him in the head, splattering blood all over the back wall. The sudden gunshot silenced the club, with the DJ even lowering the music volume. Noticing that everyone was staring, the Joker leapt up and snarled. "Don't you all have drugs to snort and vodka to chug?! Bob, Harry! Clean this piece of shit up!"

As the music went back up again, the two thugs ran to grab the mobster's dead body as the Joker collapsed back onto his seat. Feeling something climb onto his lap, he glanced down and groaned. "Jester, not now…"

Jesse scowled, hitting his Dad with his Teddy in a silent demand for Joker to play with him.

"Jesse…."

Ignoring the warning growl, Jesse continued. With a snarl, Joker ripped the Teddy away and threw it into the dancing crowd, before placing his whining son on the ground. "Fetch."

As Jesse crawled towards the dance floor, the Joker grabbed a microphone. "BABY ON THE FLOOR. ANYONE TOUCHES HIM, AND THEY CAN SAY GOODBYE TO THEIR FEET!"

The dancing became tamer, with the crowd only swaying side to side, their eyes on the floor in order to make sure they didn't accidentally step on the, now giggling, baby.

Turning away, Joker began to examine his latest plans against Gotham City. Focusing on the specific details of getting his Joker Gas to spread to more of the city, he was startled when he heard Harley's shriek over the noise of the club.

"HE'S WALKIN'!"

Once again the club fell silent and a small circle was formed around Harley Quinn, who was clutching at Jesse. The Joker (who was not happy with the interruption) stormed over to stand just on the edge of the circle.

"Harley…." He hissed, "…there'd better be a good reason for the interruption! Gotham isn't going to fall into chaos itself!"

Either ignoring, or completely oblivious to the tone of voice, Harley beamed at her lover. "He's walkin' puddin'! Pulled himself up and walked right over!"

Jesse, who now had his teddy back, giggled as his Mom began to bounce him up and down, cooing about how good he was. Seeing that the Joker still wasn't impressed, Harley placed Jesse down on his feet and pointed at Joker.

"Go to Daddy sweetie! Go on!"

Jesse wobbled on his feet for a few seconds, staring at his Dad. Suddenly, he began to giggle and slowly toddle towards the Joker, one arm clutching onto his Teddy and the other reaching out for his Dad.

It took a few moments, but eventually, Jesse managed to latch himself onto the Joker's pant legs. Despite being annoyed at the interruption, Joker couldn't help but grin down at his son. "Nice kiddo!" he laughed, bending down to lift his son into his arms, before glaring at the rest of the crowd. "Clear out! We're now closed for the night!"

Nobody wanted to hang around and disobey the Joker's direct order, so the club cleared out very quickly. Soon, it was only the Joker, Harley and their son who were left.

As Jesse began to pat his Dad on the cheek, Harley bounced over and threw her arms around the pair. "Ain't he good puddin'?" she cooed, stroking Jesse's dirty blonde hair, giggling as he babbled excitedly at her, "He did it all by himself to see his mummy!"

Resisting the urge to wince at the high-pitched squeal, the Joker focused all of attention on his son. "Yeah…he's a good kid."

As the Joker began to rock Jesse back and forth, the toddler yawned and rested his head against his Father's chest, eyes slowly slipping shut as he fell asleep.

Checking that the kid was asleep, Joker placed him on one of the leather sofas and placed two pillows on the edge to try and stop the kid from rolling off. He then turned to Harley and grinned, "This opens up a wide range of opportunities for us babe!" he crowed triumphantly, "With a face like that, the kid'll be the perfect distraction! And now he can walk, he can lead!"

"Lead puddin'"

Joker placed an arm around her shoulder and pulled her closer. "Imagine this….a casino guard, all alone guarding a back entrance. Then, all of a sudden, a little toddler comes wandering up to him, crying because he's lost his mummy. That guard would have to be a heartless bastard not to try and help….and that's when we strike!"

Harley squealed in glee, clapping her hands together as she bounced up and down. "He's like our little skeleton key!"

"Precisely my dear….precisely."

Patrons who were still standing outside the bar, soon scarpered when they heard the maniacal laughter from inside the club.