I have a lot of Adrien feelings, okay?

Also, I don't think I've ever seen this kind of reveal fic. By which I mean... almost the worst possible case of a reveal (Hawkmoth winning would top this I guess).

Nathalie is reading from a clipboard, her voice tight: "After school you have one free homework hour. At four, your fencing lesson. Five-thirty, your press conference. Seven to ten, the cardigan photoshoot. Curfew is ten-thirty."

Adrien shifts on his feet, tries to assess if she seems sterner than usual. "Press conference? That's, um. That's new. Is–?"

Nathalie's nose wrinkles slightly, and she glances up from her clipboard for a moment before looking back down. "I'm sorry. I meant, Chat Noir's press conference."

She doesn't seem angry, he decides, just… a little more uncertain, a little off-balance. It's an understandable reaction.

"And, is my father–"

"Gabriel is very busy," Nathalie cuts him off. "With the launch of the fall line. I'm sure he will find time to meet with you soon."

"I just wanted to expl–"

"Adrien," she says, and for the first time looks him directly in the eyes. "He can't see you now. Follow the schedule."

He swallows, feels it stick in his throat. Feels himself stop breathing. Knows (always knew, really) that this isn't about the fall line. It probably wasn't about that even before yesterday, but now especially, the truth is simple: his father has no interest in speaking to him. Not even about this.

Adrien doesn't know whether he doesn't care or is disappointed or is pleased but trying not to show it because he feels like he should disapprove. All he knows is that Gabriel's refusal to see him means that he will have to face today completely alone.

Plagg rubs his head against Adrien's collarbone, beneath his shirt, and the nudge is warm enough to shock him back into life.

Well. Not entirely alone, at least.

"I understand," he tells Nathalie, and gives her a perfect model smile.

-xxx-

Bad luck is part of being Chat Noir. Adrien's always known it, because Plagg may be rude and unsympathetic but he's never dishonest. And at least in the beginning, Adrien didn't mind: actually, he thought it might be a good thing, once. Thought maybe some bad luck to knock Adrien Agreste off the perfect pedestal might be for the best, might help – endear him to people, or something. Maybe he'd make friends when they helped to pick him back up. Maybe he'd make a joke about whatever embarrassing thing had happened, and someone would actually laugh. It might be nice.

Adrien has always been an optimist.

His bad luck isn't so superficial as he'd hoped, though. It's deeper, subtler and more pervading: an akuma in the middle of a shoot, a test the day after a late-night patrol, Ladybug calling him away the first evening in a month his father is home for dinner. His first real birthday party nothing real at all, and him too stupid at first to realize. Adrien's luck isn't the sort of thing to laugh over with friends, because it's all a secret, the worst kind, the kind that slowly runs him down to nothing. Except for when it has to do with Ladybug, but she – she does laugh at him. His clumsiness, his tomfoolery, his stupid moments and his reckless mistakes, they're all met with a fond amusement now, a "silly cat" and chuck under the chin and that's fine. It's good, even, it feels warm and soft, and makes him want to cuddle up close to her and purr and ask to stay a little longer.

But sometimes it also makes him feel stupid, and he likes being able to be silly and reckless, flirty and punny and everything else Adrien Agreste cannot be but he still wants Ladybug to trust him as an equal. He doesn't want to be her sidekick, selfish as that is, he wants to be her partner. He feels like she looks down on him – not intentionally, not in a bad way, but just – like he's a kid, he's not quite at her level. And maybe that's all just in his head, and even if it's not it's probably completely justified, but Ladybug is kind and brave and honest and strong and sweet and everything Adrien wants most of all, and her fond disregard for his feelings aches. He'd almost hate his bad luck, for that – except, he's got this theory.

Adrien has this suspicion, because Chat Noir and Ladybug were always meant to be a pair. One who destroys, one who fixes. One with bad luck, one with good. And he thinks about how only Ladybug can save the day in the end, and how he's sometimes saved Ladybug, and (it's probably only wishful) he thinks maybe he's stealing her bad luck away. Maybe she's trading it in for all his good luck, maybe that's another part of their powers, another reason he can't seem to make it through a fight without getting smashed into a wall, thrown off a building, sucked in by the akumatized villain's powers. Maybe, if it weren't for him, some of that awful luck would be rebounding on Ladybug – and Adrien hasn't even talked to Plagg about this, doesn't have any idea whether it's true or if he's really just making excuses for what a useless excuse for a superhero is. But as long as that idea is swimming around in his head, he can't regret any of his bad luck, not a single instance because if for every attack he takes Ladybug is even just a little bit safer, then it's all worth it.

It's still worth it. It always has been, always will be, and he can't bring himself to regret anything he's done since his Miraculous ring first appeared in his bedroom. Sticking around last night longer than he normally would have included, because it meant he was able to save some lives.

But still, detransforming in the middle of a crowd of reporters is a little worse luck than he's used to having.

And he hasn't heard a thing from Ladybug since.

-xxx-

The school gets very quiet when he walks in.

Adrien's reminded of his first day: he'd been so excited to go to an actual school with actual other teenagers, he hadn't even considered how ill-prepared he was to be a real person, for other people to see him as a real person. He'd come walking in all bright smiles and optimism, and he'd been met with nothing but wide wide eyes, silence in the halls. The only people who talked to him wanted his autograph, or judged him for being friends with Chloé.

For a little while then, his smile went away. Not long. But the one that came back was quieter. And he dropped his stupid notions of punning his way into peoples' hearts, of being able to make a fool out of himself just for fun. None of the people at his school wanted to see that from him. They wanted Adrien Agreste: quiet, dignified, as close to perfect as he could possibly ever get. Not a real person at all… but nothing new to him either, so giving up his unrealistic hopes hadn't been too hard. Having friends at all was worth the sacrifice.

It had hurt, but. It always did. He was used to that too.

This time Adrien knows walking in. He knows everything is going to change, he knows his friends – the ones he's spent years now getting to know, trying to relax around – are going to stop seeing their classmate Adrien. They aren't even going to see Adrien Agreste the famous model.

They're going to see Adrien Agreste the supermodel, fresh off the chatwalk, and dammit, he wishes he could say something stupid like that and make people laugh. But he can tell, not one of them would, they'd just stare at him even worse, he'd just lose them even faster, and.

He wanted to talk to his father last night, but Gabriel didn't come home.

He'd transformed and called Ladybug, again and again. But she didn't answer.

And Nino – well.

The first time, Nino was the first one to talk to Adrien, really talk to him. He'd made the difference, really, he'd been the one to make school fun, instead of just another disappointed hope. Not as fun as Adrien'd dreamed at first, maybe, but he'd always been a little more hopeful than realistic, so he was used to being let down a little.

The silence last night was definitely a bit of a letdown, in hindsight. But, at the time, he hadn't been focused on it. He hadn't been a good friend, and he knew it, because of course Nino saw the broadcast and felt betrayed, of course Adrien should have called him, should have transformed and gone to his house, even, done what he could to make things right immediately. Nino's been the only person he's really felt comfortable being himself around in his normal life, after all.

Still, even knowing all of that… Nino's complete silence when Adrien cautiously lowers himself into the seat next to him is more that just a 'little' letdown.

"Hi," he tries anyway, sheepish and with a smile that's supposed to say I'm sorry but please I had reasons trust me?

Nino drops his head to rest between his arms, and turns his music up.

Adrien's smile falls.

Adrien's smile comes back with a bit of effort. It's rueful: disappointed in Nino, angry at himself. Stiff, held up by sheer determination, and he's sitting up for rolecall, remembering how he messed up his first time and Nino laughed together with him and he's thinking that he needs to just keep smiling he can get through this he can fix it still he's not going to make everything worse by crying in the middle of class, one hello isn't the end of the world he can do it he just needs to stay calm, keep the smile going –

-xxx-

Last night, Adrien was busy remembering how to breathe.

When it first happened, he had bigger things on his mind: he needed cheese and he needed it now, because the fight wasn't over yet and Ladybug still needed him. He'd dashed over to the catering tables, shoved a piece of cheese into Plagg's mouth, and rounded a corner to transform back and return to the fight.

He was too late, of course. Ladybug defeated the akuma and didn't even stick around to wait for him. The last he saw of her was the rush of cleansing magic, and then he was alone in a sea of reporters all pointing microphones at him and shouting both his names.

He didn't know what to do. He had no clue what to – all that was left to do was to run, and he did, to the top of the Eiffel Tower, and he dialed Ladybug on his staff and she didn't pick up, he called her again and she didn't answer, he called and called and called and finally he got so angry he flung his staff away from himself. It clattered all the way down to the ground. He had to follow the long way, and when he got to the bottom there were more reporters and for a wild second he wanted to use Cataclysm on all of their stupid equipment, but instead he ran again.

Ran all the way home, swung in through his window and landed on his bed. Adrien curled up into a ball, hugging his tail, literally he had his tail between his legs and it started at that thought: a kind of gasping laugh, maybe, or sob.

He didn't know. All he knew was that his claws were clenched tight into the leather of his tail and his breath was rough and out of control, his heart was pounding harder and harder and harder and he couldn't think. He couldn't see, his eyes were full of tears and his face was wet, his breath was too wild he couldn't. He couldn't do anything right, it was the first thing Plagg told him, not to let anyone know his secret, Ladybug always said so too, Hawkmoth would know where to find him now, he'd just been trying to help but he'd ruined everything, she probably hated him now. He didn't know what his father would say, he didn't – he couldn't think he couldn't breathe he couldn't he couldn't he couldn't he was so scared he didn't know what to do and he wasn't breathing, he felt like he was dying…

It took forever to come down from – whatever that had been, that sheer animal terror. Even when he finally did, Adrien was still gasping, wet and rough and huge breaths. He was trembling, all over, exhausted beyond belief, to the point that he actually drifted off to sleep for a minute and woke with a jerk from one nightmare to another.

He didn't want to detransform. He felt like if he did, he might never be able to be Chat Noir again. He might lose Plagg immediately – his kwami didn't care about a lot of things, but this was surely a step too far. If he detransformed now, he'd probably lose that part of himself forever.

He wanted to Cataclysm himself before letting that happen, because Chat Noir had always been his escape – but Chat Noir was also Ladybug's partner, Chat Noir was a superhero and both his lady and Paris deserved better than a scared boy cuddled up into his pillows. So, eventually, Adrien closed his eyes and let his transformation go, for the last time.

He reached to take the ring off, too, but –

"Oh, Adrien," Plagg said, softer than he'd ever been. Pressed his warm little body into the crook of Adrien's neck. "I'm sorry. It's my rotten luck."

-xxx-

Nino bolts from the room as soon as the bell rings, too fast for Adrien to do anything but reach helplessly after him. He stands to follow, but he's jerked to a halt by a grip on the back of his shirt tugging him back into his chair.

He looks up. Alya leans threateningly over him. She looks furious. "Interview. Now."

"Can it wai-"

"No. NOW," Alya orders, and then she's yanking him out of the room, and it's only as Adrien stumbles backwards out the door that he realizes Marinette isn't here today. Her empty seat makes his stomach feel all the hollower; he thinks of his shy, sweet friend, so easily worked up into nonsensical stuttering. He could easily see her freaking out over this and probably never managing a complete sentence to him ever again – though, when she's spoken to Chat Noir in the past, she's been remarkably composed. Maybe knowing that side of Adrien would actually help them get along better in everyday life. If there's only one silver lining to come out of this – but Alya's tugging him into an empty classroom and locking the door.

"Marinette wasn't in class, is she okay?" Adrien says, partly because he really wants to know, but also because Alya is yanking her phone out of her bag and aiming the camera his way and she still doesn't look anything less than livid.

"She's fine. She's just – it's your fault," Alya hisses. "Same as Nino, he–"

"Have you talked to him?!" Adrien blurts. "I mean, of course you have, you're dating, but how is he? Is he – I know he's mad, but is he okay? I didn't mean to hurt him, I should've called him yesterday but I… just, is he okay? Do you think he'd let me talk to him?"

Alya stares at him. Slowly, the anger on her face softens into something that's just… sad.

"Yeah," she says. "I think so. Maybe not right away. He feels pretty upset, like you've been lying to him this whole time."

"I mean," Adrien shakes his head. "I have, so-"

"No," Alya interrupts, pressing her lips together. "No, you haven't. I know that. I should know that, it's what superheroes have to do. They're not supposed to tell anyone anything about who they really are, right? I get it. Nino would too, but – it's you, so it's harder. I'm just mad that – he feels really bad about it, and – and I can't believe I never noticed! You sit right in front of me! What kind of investigative journalist am I?!"

Adrien's getting hopeful, again. "So – do you forgive me?"

"Hmm, well. Maybe – if I get an exclusive first interview!" Alya aims her phone once more, and starts to announce: "Here I am, Alya of the Ladyblog, in another exclusive interview with one of our favorite superhero duo – Chat Noir AKA supermodel Adrien Agreste!"

Adrien plasters a smile on his face and waves at the phone. He really doesn't feel like doing this, but it's the closest he's gotten to talking with one of his friends (or anyone, really) today. And if it will smooth things over with Alya, then… Besides, knowing her, it could very well be a livestream anyway.

"Hi," he says. His voice comes out too soft.

"Wow!" Alya says. "Seeing Chat Noir become you yesterday – what a shock! I actually hypothesized this before, but not seriously, which is clearly a sign I need to brush up on my skills but, back to the point, you're Chat Noir! What's that even like?"

"Well, you know," Adrien says. "Um. It's fun, I guess? I mean. Hard, but… rewarding?"

She makes a face at his weak answer, and he can't help but copy it a bit. He feels awkward, unsettled. As Chat Noir, he normally puns his way through interviews, throws in jokes and bits of braggadocio, leaving all the serious stuff to Ladybug. She does the inspirational stuff way better, anyway.

As Adrien Agreste he's polite, but quiet. He doesn't really engage too much. His father always tells him 'your pictures should say everything' so he tries not to talk very long, just give brief quotes and get out as fast as possible.

Right now he's Adrien, but he's being interviewed as Chat, and it's Alya so he wants to give her a good segment, but he's Adrien Agreste, and his father will definitely end up seeing this, he'll probably be furious Adrien is giving an interview before the scheduled press conference –

"And what about Ladybug?" he tunes in to Alya's question just in time. "Not that I'm asking you to tattle on her, but just between us and the internet! You two are super close, I'm sure you know who she really is, right? How does she feel about your, uhm, unfortunate little incident last night?"

"I – no," Adrien says. He wants to hold it in, to give a small polite smile and brush her question off. He wants to grin cheesily wide and call this a catastrophe, complete with over-obvious wink. He wants to give Alya a good answer, he really does despite how little he wants anything to do with this interview at all, but he doesn't know how to be Adrien and Chat both, and anyway neither one of them could ever stand up to that question today. "N-no, I don't – I don't know who she is, we're. Not that close, I mean she's not even if I – she hasn't been… I don't know what she thinks, okay! Alya I really need to go, bye."

He rushes the words out and shoves himself out of there faster still, breath coming quicker and quicker…

Plagg darts out of his shirt, flying backwards in front of his face. "Oi, kid, slow down! Take deep breaths, don't do this again. Adrien!"

"I can't, I – Plagg, I can't –"

"Then don't," his kwami shrugs. "Let's play hooky, for once in your life. Let's go buy some cheese. No one's gonna care."

That resounds a little too well. Adrien tries to tell himself not to think it, because Alya as good as said Nino just needs time, and she's already talking to him again, and – of course his father cares. He cares too much, if anything, his love is smothering and cold but it's definitely still real. And Ladybug is… MIA right now, but she probably just needs some time to process. It's not like she hates Adrien Agreste, she's been perfectly willing to save him from akuma before, she's going to be – maybe she's disappointed with who he turned out to be, maybe she's mad he didn't get away in time but she's still his partner, she's got to be. He'll hear from her soon.

He's not alone in the world, not at all. Adrien knows how lucky he's got it, really. He may be the black cat but he's always been an optimist and he's got to believe this is going to work out in the end, he's not going to give in to doubt now. If Ladybug's identity were revealed she wouldn't let it stop her.

But…

No one's gonna care just reminds Adrien of all the emptiness in him, not even the parts that were hollowed out fresh last night. It makes him think of all those years spent alone in his giant house, hidden away in his bedroom with all the pastimes money can buy and no one to share them with. His life scheduled down to the hour, the only faces he ever saw belonging to people paid to be there. His father almost never home. The only person his own age he even knew was Chloé, and – that's been most of his life. Ever since his mom disappeared, until just these past few years in school with Nino and Alya and Marinette and Ladybug, Adrien's been completely alone and he knows even back then his father cared but that's still not the same, it's not like what he's seen at Marinette's house. It's never been like that for him.

And now all the friends he thought he finally had are just gone, right when he needs them most, and Adrien knows he shouldn't be angry with them because he is the one in the wrong, but suddenly he is so very angry. He doesn't want to chase after Nino and beg forgiveness, he doesn't want to call Marinette and apologize for shocking her, he doesn't want to force himself to give interviews just to get back on Alya's good side.

Only Plagg has stuck with him. Immature, uninterested Plagg, who he's often half-suspected only chose him because of his easy access to camembert around the clock… he's the only one Adrien really has.

"Okay," Adrien resolves, standing up straight and refusing to feel guilty. "Let's go get some cheese."

He leaves the school and calls Gorilla directly. When the car pulls up he tells his bodyguard to take him to La Héronnière, Camembert. He knows the man's going to report everything to Nathalie, even while he follows Adrien's instructions, so the phone call as they leave the city is no surprise.

"What are you doing, Adrien?" she shouts in a whisper down the phone. "I know you're crazy about cheese but Camembert's three hours away, you're going to miss the press conference!"

"I'll make the photoshoot," Adrien says, smiling down at Plagg on his lap, actually vibrating with excitement. The kwami is too selfish to even pretend to feel guilty about the trip he's prompted; Adrien feels so envious. "No one's gonna care."

-xxx-

Adrien met Chloé when they were both kids, and they hung out ever so often ever since. The first time they met was just after her father had been elected mayor; it was a party for them, so Adrien didn't think it too weird that Chloé wanted to be the center of attention. He kind of understood it, even, because whenever his father was busy working on a new line he'd go missing for ages and Adrien always wanted his attention more than anything else.

Chloé's father never really ignored her, though. Actually, he doted on his daughter, making her demands on his time seem less reasonable, more spoiled. Still, she decided that she liked hanging out with Adrien, and her father was so eager to please her that he took it upon himself to arrange 'play-dates' between the two of them. Adrien's father allowed it – only because of who was asking, Adrien knew, but still, he allowed it. Adrien got to have someone come over, someone who was there because they actually wanted to spend time with him.

And sure, Chloé was bossy and demanding. But as soon as they were alone together she'd be really nice to Adrien. She let him choose what video games to play, or asked him to demonstrate his skills at the climbing wall in his room, or his half-pipe. She was always kind of fake, but Adrien felt like he was too, because as much as he wanted to, he never felt safe enough to really let loose. He felt certain his father was always watching the two of them, and besides he'd seen Chloé mock other people for being stupid before and he didn't want her to turn that derision on him. It was cowardly, yeah, but just having her over in the first place felt so wonderful, Adrien didn't want to do anything that might spoil the experience. So he smiled politely and went along with whatever Chloé wanted to do and didn't yank away when she grabbed his arm.

They weren't really friends, or at least not what he'd always thought friends should be. But Adrien was so lonely, and sometimes he thought underneath all her bluster and bossiness, Chloé was lonely too. So they had each other, and it meant something.

She was the one who gave him the idea of sneaking away to public school. She was the one who signed him up in secret, using her father's influence, she was the one who told him to go for it. She was also the one who almost made his first morning there miserable; as soon as he met her surrounded by other people he saw just how much she considered him to be a status symbol more than a real person – but without Chloé, he would never have been there in the first place, so he was grateful anyway.

They aren't friends, he knows that now without a doubt because now he has real friends, but they've known each other for a long time. Adrien still hopes that someday Chloé might wake up, emerge from her selfish little world and change for the better. Maybe when that happens, he can be there to help her like she helped him.

The fact that she has absolutely no interest whatsoever in Chat Noir has always felt kind of nice, because most of the time Adrien doesn't even really like Chloé at all (he definitely doesn't want to date her) … but that's ruined too, now.

She's out of town on a trip with her father, a week-long vacation in the middle of the school year simply because she's Chloé and she demanded it. She must've seen the reveal in the news, because last night she sent him a bunch of messages. Kind of stupid ones, the same sort of flirty braggy stuff she usually says, just this time she was bragging about being friends with a superhero instead of a model. She complained about him never telling her and about being stuck in stupid Hawaii when her darling Adrien needed her, and at the time he muted her ringtone in frustration because he didn't need her, he needed his father, he needed his lady, he needed the people he actually loved not Chloé Bourgeois –

But she was there. Somehow, again, she was there when no one else was, and even if it didn't really help because everything she said was just as shallow as it had always been… Adrien's got another reason to be grateful to Chloé. He doesn't thinks she really cares about him, no matter how much she claims to like him, but because of things like this, even though he doesn't really like her, he can't ever just stop caring about her.

But then again, Adrien's always been the one who cares more.

-xxx-

It may have been selfish, and immature, and Adrien feels like he's never going to get the awful cheese smell out of his nose now… but the trip to Camembert has settled him, somehow. The destination itself had nothing that especially interested him but Plagg was extremely happy, and the mere fact of taking the trip was… incredible. Adrien's never done anything like this before. Maybe, when he first went to school, that could sort of qualify – but then, he was just changing the way he learned, he wasn't actually dodging lessons. He's never deliberately ducked a responsibility before, even for being Chat Noir he's only ever taken advantage of akuma chaos to slip away and that's never really been questioned. But this time, Adrien skipped school, he missed the press conference, by now it's late enough and the traffic is so bad that he knows he won't even make it to the photoshoot on time – this level of rebellion has him feeling downright shivery.

Fear's still in the mix, but right now it's mostly delight.

Adrien loves his father. He knows that his father loves him too, even if Gabriel almost never shows it. He remembers things being better when his mother was here, though by now that's all kind of hazy, but he remembers it enough to be certain her absence is the reason his father acts this way. And he – he doesn't really understand, because to him losing someone so important only makes keeping the other people you love close paramount, but he recognizes that his father's reaction was to push people away. He isn't – Gabriel has never really been there for Adrien, not in person, but his shadow looms over him every second. It's not what he wants, but it's still better than nothing would be.

Adrien doesn't want to disappoint his father. He knows he does, everyday – but it's in the same way that his father always disappoints him. Smaller things, expected by now: less than perfect grades, not being able to hide his emotions well enough – or his father never making it home for dinner, never smiling or telling Adrien he's proud. These things aren't good but they are at least expected by now, and if Adrien still feels let down every single time it's just his optimist nature getting the better of his good sense.

Last night, though – that wasn't anything remotely expected, it wasn't normal at all. And the fact that his father couldn't even be there for him when something like that happened – couldn't even give him just a phone call, even just a single text – it makes Adrien's conviction in Gabriel's love for him waver like it never has before.

He's always, always told himself his father's controlling ways are just how he shows he cares. He's not happy about it but he thought he got how things worked, but if this is – if last night meant –

Adrien doesn't want to do what his father tells him today. He's always been to afraid of the outcome to push too hard before, but today, he wants a reaction and he'll do what it takes to get one.

He tells Gorilla to bring him straight home, instead of the studio where he's supposed to be modeling cardigans right now, and steps out of the car feeling almost confident. Stomps right up the front steps with determination –

Gabriel is waiting in front of the stairs. Adrien falters to a halt.

"I would have waited in my office for you, but I suspect you would have locked yourself in your bedroom instead of coming when called," Gabriel says. His voice is like icewater; it sends shivers of shame running down Adrien's spine. But he's not giving in, not today, if he's got nothing else then he needs to have himself.

"You'd have to call first," he says bitterly, and walks up right in front of his father. Crosses his arms and – and glares.

Gabriel stares down at him coolly. His impassive expression doesn't so much as flicker, even as the silence drags out longer and longer. Adrien feels like looking away first would be giving in, and speaking first would, too – at least until his father replies.

"You're angry with me," Gabriel says. He doesn't sneer, but all of a sudden Adrien's defiance feels foolish, childish and petty.

Still, he's not giving in today. He always does but not this time. He doesn't answer, just keeps glaring.

"Adrien," Gabriel says after a moment. He sighs. "It seems you've been lying to me for a very long time."

"I – not on purpose. I never told anyone."

"Not even Ladybug?" Gabriel asks lightly, but there's a distaste in the way he says her name that makes Adrien bristle defensively.

"No! We never told each other anything about that! B-but even if we did, so what? At least she cares about me!"

"Does she?" Gabriel asks, and Adrien is struck down to the bones. The words hit him like a lightning-bolt, and just keep on coming. "Then where is she now? I know today has not been easy for you. Shouldn't she have been there?"

"Stop!" Adrien shouts. Actually shouts. At his father. Not once in his life has he ever really – but he can feel himself starting to cry, his father is saying everything he's been trying so, so hard not to think and it's not – it's not right, this is not what a parent is supposed to be. "Just stop, why are you doing this?! It's not like you were there either so what are you even saying, are you saying you don't care about me? I didn't want to lie to you but I didn't have any choice, and at least as Chat Noir I can actually be myself for once!"

"You shouldn't," Gabriel says. He reaches out and grabs at Adrien's shoulder, and there's a sort of urgency to him, his grip is too tight, his words too fast. "Adrien, you should stop. It's not – it's not safe, I understand if you feel stifled but you shouldn't try to tell yourself you're a hero. You aren't. You're my son. I don't want t– I don't want to lose you."

And Adrien is smart, he knows that this kind of speech is all sorts of wrong, his father isn't listening to what he's been saying. He's devaluing all the good Adrien has done as Chat Noir and he's not apologizing at all for the hurtful things he's said just moments before. Gabriel is just being selfish right now.

But it's a kind of selfish with something like love at the center. He's losing composure, he's admitting he cares, and that's enough. That's enough for Adrien, it always will be, because he loves his father so much and he just wants to be loved at least a little in return, he will always forgive Gabriel, he'll always soften first.

"Dad…" he says. His shoulders slump, his hands loosen out of fists to hang limp at his sides.

"So – so you should stop this." Gabriel nods once, stiffly. "Adrien – give me your Miraculous."

He'll forgive anything but that.

Adrien jerks himself back, completely out of his father's reach, before he has even fully processed what he just heard. And then – then all the anger, all the hurt that was starting to settle down into him, it all just comes rushing back, and nothing positive is even left anymore.

Gabriel twitches, as if he can sense the negative emotions taking control of his son.

"No," Adrien says, horrified. "No, I'm not going to do that, I'm never going to do that. How could you even–"

He clenched his hand into a fist and wraps the other one around it, pulling his ring up to cradle against his chest. Gabriel's eyes lock on the motion and Adrien feels unsafe. It's a horrible feeling. He's always been scared of his father, but never, never like this.

"You sound just like Hawkmoth," he whispers. His father jerks a little, eyes lifting to meet Adrien's. "You didn't even hear anything I just said, I. Do you even love me?"

Gabriel's mouth falls open. His eyes go wide, and he lifts his hand as if to reach out – Adrien steps back. Gabriel's hand stops, then slowly falls back to his side.

"Adrien," he says softly. His voice is warm and full of regret, it's the most feeling Adrien has heard in it for years and even that feels awful. It's like his father has been asleep this whole time. "Adrien, of course I love you."

Adrien is crying now, tears running freely down his cheeks. He's been longing for those words since – since the day his mother disappeared, and now it's like they're completely worthless. They aren't fixing anything.

He's not even sure if he can believe them.

"I'm going to my room," he says. Gabriel swallows, his face pale and distressed.

"Yes, of course," he says, and steps out of the way. Adrien moves past him slowly, ring still hugged to his chest. He feels too worn down to walk quickly, shuffling up the stairs at a glacial pace.

"Adrien–" his father calls after him just before he is about to leave the entrance hall, and he stops. His heart thumps a little harder, like hope, like there's something Gabriel can say to make him feel better. He doesn't even know what that would be, now that the ultimate declaration has already failed, but he wants it, he's waiting for it.

It doesn't come. Nothing does, Gabriel doesn't seem to know what to say at all, and something about that is so pathetic. He really is hardly a father at all, he doesn't have any idea how to be one and it almost makes Adrien feel sorry for him. Makes him want to turn around and go downstairs, wrap him up in a hug and say, 'this is what you do, just this.'

Instead, he keeps walking. Goes to his room and locks the door behind him, then slides down it to sit on the floor.

Plagg nuzzles up the side of his neck and cuddles into his cheek, but Adrien can't respond. He can't do anything at all, but just sit and stare straight ahead. He feels numb, empty, even all the anger just completely gone. He's just… empty.

"You know what? Screw this," Plagg says, after a minute. He flies up in front of Adrien, whiskers quivering violently. "Hey, kid, listen. I'll be back. Got that? So don't you dare take off that ring."

"…Okay," Adrien says.

"I promise I'll be back," Plagg says again, his voice, normally so lazy, throbbing with violent emotion. "I'm not leaving you."

"Okay," Adrien says again, and watches as his kwami spins around in midair and flies out the window. He stays where he is, hunched up on the floor, too worn out even to get up and move to a chair or his bed.

Eventually, his eyes drift shut.

-xxx-

He didn't sleep for most of last night, understandably. But he did shut his eyes for a little while. After he made it home, after he'd finished that initial panic and the crying jag that followed it, after he'd finally calmed down enough to check his phone and seen all the messages from Chloé and no one else. After he'd transformed again and called Ladybug some more, to no avail.

After all of that, he did something he had not done since he was very young.

He changed into a pair of comfortable pajamas, and he snuck down the hall in the dark to his father's room.

He knew it was empty, but he didn't turn on the lights when he tiptoed in, Plagg flying quietly behind him. Instead he dashed across the floor and jumped onto the bed from a good three feet away (there might be monsters underneath), clambering into the dead center and hid beneath the blankets, buried his face into the pillows.

It wasn't the same, of course it wasn't. His father wasn't there, grunting when Adrien climbed over top of him before rolling out of the way just enough for him to fit, then descending back into slumber with a soft wheeze of a snore. Most of all, his mother wasn't there. She was the one who always used to wake up, to turn on her side to face him and coo softly in the darkness.

"Oh, my little chick, it's all right," she'd whisper, and kiss him on the forehead. "It was just a dream. We're here with you, we love you, everything is all right."

She'd keep talking, voice gentle and quiet and sounding on the edge of a song, until Adrien stopped shaking from whatever nightmare had woken him. He'd relax then, into the softness of the sheets and the warmth of his father's back against his own, his mother's hand still petting softly against his hair. He'd fall asleep there, and he never dreamed anything but he always woke up in the morning rested and calm, safe and happy and loved.

Last night, it wasn't the same at all, but he remembered the way it had been. He told Plagg to tell him immediately if Ladybug was calling, and curled up in the center of his father's bed, his back to the door. He closed his eyes and imagined that Gabriel was on his way home. That he would rush to Adrien's room, and when he found it empty he'd come here, because he'd remember too. He'd come in, quietly, without turning on the lights. He'd change into his pajamas and he'd climb into the bed, and he'd take his hand and brush back Adrien's hair. Maybe he'd even press a kiss to his head. He'd definitely stay there till morning.

The dream was warm, and comforting, and almost enough. It lulled Adrien into sleep.

The reality was a cold room, empty, and a teenaged boy cuddled up alone on a gigantic bed. The reality was that Plagg never received any attempt at communication from Ladybug, the reality was that Gabriel never came home at all.

The reality was that he woke up the next morning, all alone.

-xxx-

Adrien wakes up to a hand petting through his hair, a soft voice whispering close by.

"–so sorry, I was so shocked I didn't even think…" The voice is familiar, and Adrien likes it. He wants to lean in closer and enjoy the nearness of it, the gentleness of the accompanying touch.

"Yeah, well." The second voice is familiar too, and far more jarring. His eyes slide open and focus hazily on an extremely grumpy Plagg, hovering above him and speaking to someone out of his sight. "I really don't care, Ladybug."

…Ladybug?

Adrien jerks into full consciousness, falling away from the door in the process and smashing down hard onto the wooden floor. He stares up above him, because – yes, there she is, Ladybug, crouching next to him, wincing.

"Are you alright? That looked like it hurt," Ladybug says. Ladybug. In his room, and he's Adrien, and – it doesn't matter. She knows, everyone knows, his father knows.

He turns to glare at Plagg.

"What did you do?"

"Hmpf, you needed to talk to her and she was being stupid, so I went and got her, obviously," the kwami sniffs unrepentantly.

"Why did you do that," Adrien demands, but Plagg only rolls his eyes.

"I'm going to take a nap, don't smooch too loud and wake me up," he says, and flies off to cuddle up on Adrien's bed. Adrien can feel his face heat up in automatic embarrassment as he turns to face Ladybug, who is… frowning?

"I'm sorry," she says. "Do you not want me here?"

"What, no, I always want you here," Adrien blurts, before he even thinks about it. The truth is, maybe this is the one time that's not true, because he feels so wrecked still, he can feel the tears dried onto his cheeks and he knows if she says the wrong thing she'll probably set him off again – but he doesn't want her to doubt herself. He doesn't ever want that. "I'm… sorry, I'm just surprised. I didn't really expect to see you."

"Because of last night," Ladybug nods grimly. "Listen, Chat, I was awful. I shouldn't have just left like that, I should have answered you when you called–"

And called and called and called, Adrien thinks, but he shakes his head. Shakes that thought right out of it. This is Ladybug, not his father. It's different. She is different.

"It's okay."

"No, Chat, it's not. I left you high and dry, at the worst possible moment – I don't even deserve to be called your partner, after something like that. I was shocked and I wanted time to myself to process, but I was being selfish and cruel to you, and that's not okay. I'm so sorry."

Her voice is quiet, but intense with emotion. She's frowning fiercely, clearly so angry at herself, for an entirely reasonable reaction to what must have been an immense shock, and Adrien's heart melts, looking at her. He doesn't want her to ever look like that over him.

"Really, it's all right," he says, and sits up on his knees to lean in and lift her chin with two fingers. Her eyes go wide as they meet his, and Adrien finds himself grinning. He's being Chat again, and it's perfectly easy, because Ladybug makes him want to be himself, his best self, in every moment of being around her. He smiles, tips his head to touch his nose to hers. "It's downright furbulous, because you're here now, my lady."

Unexpectedly, her face turns bright red when he touches her, but at his words, she bursts out into a giggle, shoving at his cheek to give herself space. Adrien grins as she pushes him, satisfied that he's made her laugh, that she's still treating him the same, that even with the delay maybe she isn't too disappointed in who he turned out to be.

But then he turns his head back to look at her and she's frowning again, her eyes large and sad.

"A-Adrien," she says, with visible effort. "It's… really you."

She reaches out slowly, and for some reason Adrien leans back, bumping against the door. He doesn't really understand why he'd do that, but. He's still raw from what happened downstairs, and the look on her face is so sad, his heart's aching from the sight.

But Ladybug only pauses, then she's reaching out again, slow enough that if he really wants to get away, he can. This time Adrien remains still, heart pounding, as her fingers touch his cheek. She cups her hand around it, thumb tracing a line down from beneath his eyes - she's following the path of his tears, he realizes with a sharp breath in.

"Oh, kitty, I let you down..." she sighs. "I'm so, so sorry."

Adrien opens his mouth to tell her she didn't let him down, but - he can't. He's never lied to Ladybug, and he can't start now, not with her gazing at him so sweetly, heartfelt apology on her lips.

"I was afraid you weren't coming back," he confesses instead, scraping the words deep out of the heart of him. "I - Ladybug, I'm so glad you're here. I really... r-really needed you..."

His voice is trembling, and he can feel himself tearing up again, but at least Ladybug is too. Then suddenly she's scooting forward, scrambling entirely into his lap and normally Adrien would be super excited but right now all he can do is stare in shock, first at her face as it moves closer, then across the room when she wraps him up into a tight hug.

"I'm here, Adrien," she says, voice rough. "I'm here, I'm not leaving, I won't ever leave you, please believe me."

After a moment, he remembers how to breathe. Remembers how to relax into it, close his eyes and press his head into her neck and shiver in her warm warm embrace, his arms reaching around her back and squeezing just as tight as he can. It's been so long since someone hugged him like this, Adrien feels out of practice, but Ladybug just doesn't let go, so it goes on and on.

He's the one to pull back first, eventually. He feels shaky, but so much better than he has all day; smiles wobbily at her when she leans back a little to look at him.

"You really are miraculous, LB," he tells her. "How'd you know that was exactly what I needed?"

She bites her lip.

"I didn't know," she admits. "I just knew I needed that."

His heart feels so warm.

"I love you," he blurts. He can't help it, and normally he'd be too nervous to say it straight out like that, he'd try to couch it in some kind of charming nonsense, but he doesn't have anything left in him but the raw need to let her know just how much she means to him.

Her face goes red.

"I- I love you too," she says, and pauses for a long moment before she finishes, "Chat Noir."

She leans in, and very softly presses her lips to his.

In the past, Adrien had imagined all sorts of things - fireworks, passion, fairy tale magic, orchestras crescendoing, the works - but Ladybug 's lips are just soft, and warm.

"Adrien, I love you," she says, more confident this time, and touches her lips to his again.

His breath in after shudders.

"Can I... I want to show you who I am," she says next. She lifts a hand up towards her earrings, and for a moment, Adrien is too stunned to respond.

But her fingers are shaking, and his hand snaps forward to catch hers.

"No, don't!"

Ladybug stops, stricken.

"Not like that, I just - you've never wanted to, don't do this just because you feel guilty, please. I - don't do it for me, I don't need it. I want to know, but... you can't take that back."

She curls her fingers around his, lowers them to his lap.

"Silly kitty," she says, and then Ladybug's transformation ends with a glow of bright light and Marinette Dupain-Cheng tells him, "I'm not taking anything back."

A bright red kwami flies past his face, straight towards the bed, and he can hear the edges of a cheerful, high-pitched voice followed by Plagg's grumpy reply, but he's not really paying attention.

"Marinette?" Adrien stares, dumbstruck. He can't believe - he's long suspected he knows Ladybug outside of the mask, but - "You sit right behind me every day."

"I've got your back," Marinette grins weakly.

And Adrien can't react to that in any way but to pull her into another kiss, grin breaking free even while their lips are still pressed together.

"Of course it's you, it makes so much sense," he marvels. "I can't believe I never noticed."

"So y-you're not... disappointed?" Marinette asks, ducking her head.

Adrien lifts his knees, tipping her closer on his lap, and grins his toothiest Chat grin at her startled little squeak.

"Impawsibble," he says, and means it. He presses his forehead to hers, tells her, "You're still you, bugaboo, it just so happens that you happen to also be one of my closest friends. I always knew you were awesome, Princess, only the spots are new."

"S-stop, before I get a swelled head," Marinette whispers. Her face, which had been cooling down, flares right back up into bright red. It's amazing.

"It can't get any worse than Plagg's, I can deal," Adrien tells her, and she bursts into giggles. He feels almost dizzy, still processing that this is real, that Ladybug is Marinette and she's giggling on his lap and loves him.

"My luck really turns around when you're here," he says. "Don't ever leave, please?"

It was meant as something like a joke, but it comes out aching. Marinette goes quiet.

Then she picks up his hand, the one with the Miraculous, and laces their fingers together.

"Never. I promise."

He smiles, and closes his eyes. Marinette squeezes his hand, and for a while they just breathe together quietly.

Adrien knows not everything is fixed. He still has to face the world, figure out who he's brave enough to be without any masks to hide behind. He needs to patch things up with Nino, and give Alya a new interview, one that's way better.

He still needs to live in this house. He needs to think long and hard about if he can forgive his father this time - or even if he should, because he's pretty sure he will eventually, and he needs to know how stupid he's being when he does. He needs to decide if it's really even worth it anymore, structuring his entire life around the desire to please a man like that.

He needs to remember Hawkmoth, to think about how just because he didn't attack today, now he knows Adrien's identity and everything is going to be so much more dangerous. The people he loves are probably going to be in danger, and he needs to deal with that now.

Everything isn't fixed, not by a long shot, and the road ahead is going to be monumentally difficult. But Adrien isn't walking it alone anymore.

"Together, we can do anything," Marinette promises; a large part of Adrien instantly swoons over how in-sync they are.

"Yeah," he says, and it doesn't even feel like his brand of foolish optimism this time. Not with his partner here in his arms. "It's going to be all right."

Don't think too badly of his friends, it's just the way the reveal happened left them needing time to adjust. Of course, Adrien needed them right away, but they didn't realize. Nino feels mad because he didn't know and now that he does he's worried Adrien doesn't trust him as much as he thought. Alya's mad that both her boyfriend and best friend appeared to be emotionally devastated by this reveal, also that she never discovered it herself. Plus she didn't really get how fragile Adrien was feeling. Tomorrow both Alya and Nino are both gonna be falling all over themselves to apologize, trust me. (...worst-case-reveal, remember.)

Oh, and, uh, the name may've given it away, but La Héronnière, Camembert, is the birthplace of camembert cheese, and supposedly still home to the best there is.