A/N: I saw a submission on scienceprofessorquotes on tumblr regarding this and my first and only thought was 'CoLu'.

ATTENTION: It has come to my attention that this fic has been plagiarized. Almost word for word. I will not be linking you to the profile of the author or the plagiarized version of this fic, however, I do want to make my disappointment and utter shame known. I am disgusted by the fact that somebody could steal my fic and then accuse me of having no proof, and then blocking me before I could respond. I am disgusted by the fact that, instead of discussing it and taking it down, this person would choose instead to hide. Everybody on this website has the potential to blossom into a wonderful author, but that potential cannot be achieved if you do not create your own fics and learn from them. If the person who plagiarized my work is reading this, I ask you again to take your fic down. You can and will become a powerful author of your own design but only if you create fics of your own. Please. Take your fic down.

Dating, Lucy decided early on, was not worth the inevitable heartbreak.

Although she had no empirical evidence to support her reasoning, she knew that few high-school relationships ever made it past the graduation doors with the students. She didn't need statistics to support that reasoning. All it took was one look at her friends' twitter feeds over the years to track the amount of times their hearts had been broken over some silly infatuation. Obviously, there were exceptions; Cana Alberona had her permanent post-breakup rebound in the form of Bacchus Groh, so she never quite experienced heartbreak. Laxus couldn't keep a relationship going long enough to form any real attachment, so he was safe. Nobody understood how Mira, who wore her heart on her sleeve, was able to brush off breakups like the dust she broomed after hours, and nobody was quite ready to ask.

Lucy had walked the rest of her friends through all the stages of grief, armed with a sympathetic smile and a large box of the greasiest pizza in town to chow down on while watching slasher flicks. The blonde would nod every time they tried expressing how badly they hurt, but try as she might, it never clicked with her. She could never understand how one person could break down every wall of defense a person had and leave them a blubbering mess.

Now, what seemed like eons later into third year university, Lucy finally knew what it meant to be heartbroken.

Dan Straight was like a prince out of fairy tale when she had first met him in her first month of university.

Charming, older, and with an adorable accent that identified him as born-and-bred in Bosco, all it took was one smile and an offer to help with her criminology class to get Lucy to throw out every negative thought she had ever had about dating. Dan was a mature gentleman, so unlike the raucous boys she had entered the adult world with.

Bacchus, who was around the same age as Dan, had simply snorted and told her not to set too high of an expectation for her boyfriend when he heard from Cana.

Looking back, Lucy wished she had heeded her friend's warning.

It would have saved her the trouble of finding him with his hand buried in some first year girl's underwear, whispering the same sweet words he'd said to her when she was in that girl's position two years ago.

Dating, Lucy decided that very day, was not worth anything.

"Test next week," Dr Porlyusica snapped. "Go study."

Taking that as a dismissal, the small third-year general chemistry class began to pack away their textbooks, which were only marginally heavier than the blanket of anxiety that had descended upon the room after the test date was announced. Porlyusica's tests were infamous for being grade-droppers.

Lucy twisted in her seat, sighing when she heard bones crack and felt the tension in her back loosen. She wondered if this test necessitated the use of adderall to help stay awake. After a few moments of deliberation, she decided against it.

It wasn't like she had been getting much sleep after The Incident, anyway.

"Heartfilia!" a deep voice, richer than caramel, called. "Come here for a second, I need to discuss the last test with you."

Adderral it was, Lucy thought to herself as she stood up, swinging her heavy bag over her shoulders and making her way up to the front. If her TA needed to discuss the test with her, then she knew it was bad.

Erik Vivas, more commonly addressed as Cobra, was the finest biochemistry student to have ever walked the halls of the University of Fiore. Now a post-grad working towards his PhD at the ripe old age of twenty-three, he supplemented his income by assisting his favourite ex-professor (and rumoured grandmother) every Friday. He was rude, blunt, borderline insane, and hated everything that so much as breathed in his direction.

It was easy to see why he and Porlyusica got along so well.

"Yes, sir?" Lucy began once she reached him. Cobra swept his indigo eyes over her figure once, but it was enough to have her squirming somewhat uncomfortably. Her attire in the days after The Incident was less than stellar. She was sure the sweats she wore had a barely-noticeable period stain on the back, and the shirt was a size or three too big to be classified as fashionable. Cobra, on the other hand, was impeccable in his black slacks and black button-up.

"Heard you and Straight broke up," he said conversationally. He was busy digging through his briefcase for her test, so he didn't catch the positively stricken look on the psychology major's face.

The staff knew?!

"Y-yeah," she managed to cough out after pushing her homicidal thoughts towards Dan aside. "Kinda had to, what with the whole…"

"Finger-fucking another girl?" Cobra offered. Lucy pursed her lips, but nodded. The maroon-haired man looked almost like he pitied her, but it could have also been disgust. Hard to tell with him.

"You look like hell."

"We were together two years. He cheated on me."

"You were an idiot for not listening to Bacchus when he told you to not get your hopes up." At her start, he shrugged. "Bacchus, Straight, and I graduated the same year. Wasn't too close with your ex, but I helped the drunk through a couple acid trips. Point is, we all knew what Dan was into. Makes himself out to be Prince Charming to a fresher, then finds himself another one the next term. The most he's ever strung along at once is five. Third year for us."

"So, what, you called me up here to rub salt in my wounds?" Lucy's lip curled back in a half-snarl. Fire raged in her belly, different from the one that had ignited the day of her breakup. That one died the second she found Juvia and started sobbing in her arms. She had been too hurt and tired to be angry, but now…

Now, she wanted to punch something. One. Someone. Specifically, the smug bastard in front of her.

They all knew, and not one of them had had the grace to save her from the hurt.

"Nope, I actually did have to talk to you about your test." He presented the bundle of papers with a flourish. 83 was printed neatly in the top corner. Not bad. Lucy took the packet, the anger in her melting to confusion. 83 was a pretty high grade in Porlyusica's class, and she had gotten far worse before without being called up.

"You did good," Cobra said. "But I suggest you take a look at page seven, with the empirical formulas. You might even find some new additions. An example, actually. It's perfect for melting things like metal. Large metals. Kind of like cars."

Realization crept through her chest like poison spreading through her veins.

"In fact, I totally think you should come and test your physical knowledge in the labs. On your own time. Now, I'm not saying that the labs are open any time you need them, because that's a waste, but I am telling you that if you need help understanding the equation, Lab Four is open until 8 PM today and I will be in the back room doing...inventory." His smirk widened as her back went stiff. She could hear her heart pounding so loudly it was starting to drown out his voice. Her arms and legs were shaking, but not out of fear of his implication. No, this was something different. Her chest was light, not heavy. Her breaths came out in short puffs, not shaky, deep gasps. Her hands and ears burned hot. They weren't numb with the paralyzing cold that came with fear.

No, this wasn't fear. In fact, if the blonde had to put a name to the emotion, it would be...giddiness.

She was excited.

"But you're a smart girl, so I'm going to keep doing inventory while you mix this up. You will need to test it on a car, of course. A 1996 Toyota Camry, black, to be exact."

Dan's car.

Noting the flash of sudden trepidation in her brown eyes, Cobra shifted close enough that Lucy could smell his cologne. Although, upon a second whiff, it was less cologne and more the permanent stench of disinfectant and sterile metal that came with the job. It was a rather pleasant scent, truth be told. "It's always parked illegally in my space out back, so it's really doing me a favour," he said. Lucy nodded slowly, pressing the papers to her chest tightly, as if they were an ancient manuscript with a dangerous secret. It wasn't far from the truth.

"It's up to you, but in my eyes, it's better than a metal baseball bat." He paused for a second and winked. "Melting the metal bat, I mean. This isn't a Carrie Underwood music video."

Cobra mirrored her earlier action of slinging his bag across his chest. "Take pictures and write stuff down. It isn't science if it's not written down. I expect the full report on my desk tomorrow."

With that, he turned heel and walked out the door, leaving Lucy alone to her thoughts.

A few seconds later, her finger was pushing '3' on speed-dial.

"Hey, Cana? Get Juvia. I need your help tonight. Bring your bat."

The next morning started off as per usual. The meteorologist had been spot on with his prediction of a humid 25-degree day, and many students had taken to enjoying the rare break from the overcast and chilly atmosphere of Crocus by walking to class instead of catching the shuttle.

The students that had opted to walk past by the Precht Gaebolg Building on the south-side of campus were rewarded richly for their efforts by witnessing first-hand the epic shit-fit that Dan Straight was throwing.

"My car!" he screamed, pointing to the black lump. "What the fuck!"

What was once a beautifully maintained Camry was now a twisted hunk of metal that looked like it had come from either the art building, or the metals section of the archaeology department. Some sections looked as if they had simply been eaten away by whatever had done the damage - Gajeel Redfox, passing by, swore up down and sideways to his cousin, Rogue Cheney, that he hadn't been the one to try to eat it, much to the biologist's disbelief - while others had melded together as if a blowtorch had been held over it. A wooden Louisville slugger was propped up against what was probably once a rim.

"How!" Dan screeched to all that would listen. "There is no way a human did this! It's impossible!"

"Dunno how you got a criminology degree with brains like that, but then again, you did always have an innate ability to charm your way into getting your grades while the rest of us actually worked for them," Cobra said, not bothering to hide his vicious grin. "Looks like that caught up to you."

Dan whirled around, death written across his teary visage. "You know who did it?"

"Nope. But kudos to them for being karma's messenger." Cobra's amusement slipped a little. "Guess Heartfilia was the last straw in your little conquest game."

"It was probably her and all her fucking stupid-as-shit friends," Dan raged. "She's too blonde to have pulled this off on her own. Not enough damn brains-"

"A brain-dead grasshopper could outsmart you, Dan, it doesn't take much." Cobra clamped his hand down on his ex-classmate's shoulder. To an outsider, he was just being mock sympathetic. But the brunette could feel how this would bruise deeply.

"You made a mistake fucking with Heartfilia, Dan. The girl has way too much class for you. And she's showing a lot of promise in my class, too. Not about to let some washed out creep mess with the overall GPA. It reflects badly on me, you see," Cobra's voice dropped an octave. "And I hate seeing things I like go away. You know that very well."

Dan stayed silent, and Cobra patted his shoulder. "Guess I don't have to worry about parking anymore," the biochem post-grad said loudly before heading into the Precht Gaebolg building.

Cobra's sharp canine poked out between his grinning lips when he caught sight of a neatly folded piece of paper on his desk.

He flipped it open and cackled when photos of his little student tossing deadly chemicals atop a shiny black car spread across his desk, accompanied by one of Bacchus's on-off girlfriend smashing in the headlights with a baseball bat. A girl he recognized from the kinesiology department, Juvia-something, was pictured dumping what appeared to be the contents of a compost bin inside the drivers seat.

He checked the inside of the paper that had contained the pictures, biting back a laugh when he saw her normally neat print messily scrawled across the inside in green ink.

Thanks for the chemistry help. It was a lovely experiment. Enclosed are supporting documents. Conclusion is that the empirical formula did help create a solution that can eat through metals. Conclusion is also that this was really cathartic.

I owe you. Call me if you ever need a favour!

791-777-2008

-Lucy Heartfilia.

Cobra punched the digits into his phone and waited for her to answer. His student's bleary response told him that she had been up essentially all night finishing the job.

"Heartfilia, it's Co-Erik. Good job on that experiment, and thank you for the data. It'll be useful later on. I'm calling in on that favour. You sound exhausted, so we'll discuss this over coffee. Fibonacci's in a half hour."

He hung up and picked up a photo of Lucy dousing the roof with the solution, a laugh frozen on her face.

It had been well worth it, Erik decided as he pocketed that one and hid away the rest. All the long hours he had put into developing the very specific formula himself.

A/N: Passive-aggressive TA Cobra is blessed. Sorry for any typos, I did this on mobile at 3 AM and I only have 103 MB of data left to post this with, so I'm not gonna waste any more.

-Touko