This fic is hard to write haha It's so emotionally-intense

Warning: Cursing, along with depictions of violence.

Depravation

Chapter 3

The only good thing to come of Zhu's magic is Red's newfound freedom.

Consequently, Link has now chained himself to Red's side because apparently finding his bed empty one morning was one morning too many. Still, Red prefers Link's aggravation over his excessive pity. He hated having a CROW near him in the first place, and having one pity him had been even worse.

As far as CROW go, Link is not different nor unusual - they're all sickly in their devotion and apathy, but Red is someone who's learned to adapt, and perhaps as a person Link is... bearable.

For one, maybe pitying Red for all the time he lay half-dead half-dying has sown some warmth into the CROW's heart, because aside from half-hearted mutters beneath his breath, Link doesn't stop Red from doing what he wants.

Not like Link's admonishments would have stopped Red in the first place, but he appreciates not needing to go to the effort of saying "I don't give a fuck."

Even though Zhu healed him, he's only repaired what was damaged and not solved the problem itself. The man had grown sickly and pale, fainting against Red's bedside, and Red, too involved in his own wallowing self-pity, barely noticed. Leverrier had Zhu carried away and tended to, and demanded of Red to know if that was enough.

Red had stayed silent.

For almost a week he'd remained speechless, and Link thought he had discovered Red's nightly escapades the very morning after they first occurred, but for that entire week Red had wandered the halls like a man possessed, endlessly searching. When the night drew long and heartrendingly empty, Red had left his bed and walked.

It's a testimony to how much the staff pitied him that they never said a thing. Hell, no one even talked to him - in fact, Red rather thinks they outright avoided him on these walks. He can't tell if it's because of their own shame or because of the expression he wore.

Still, night after night Red slipped from his room on bare feet to walk down cold halls.

But since Link had found out about the trips when Red had been too careless and stayed too long lost in his thoughts, Red had refrained from walking. In the quiet empty cold halls there had been something almost like salvation. There, he was alone. No eternal beeping, no muted falls of a nurse's steps, no quiet breathing from a watch dog. Just Red by himself in a looming lonely world, for once the only one in his own mind. He felt like he was slowly falling apart, mad after weeks of endless pain.

Having someone tail him during these walks defeats their very purpose, so he's stayed in bed since.

Red hasn't told anyone - not even the annoying ass doctor - but the pain isn't gone. Not entirely, at least. Old Man Zhu had rid him of most of it, but Red knows deep in his bones that it's only going to return as time goes on. The broken and burst pieces inside him had been mended, but the Innocence and Dark Matter haven't found any kind of truce - won't find one, for that matter. And so in their eternal fight Red's body will be the one to take the fall, and it's already showing again.

He is so tired of sighing and of crying. The skin around his eyes is sore still no matter how much salve the nurse slicks there, fingers gentle and always trembling now. Red feels a twisting guilt, sometimes, and thinks he should comfort the nurse. But there isn't enough fucks in him to care enough to actually do anything, so he lets the shamed and guilt-ridden nurse still care for him.

Red will never again bend backwards for anyone else. He knows he lies - lied before and will lie again. He's a stupid fool, an idiot of the worst kind. He lies to himself over and over - I don't care, I won't care, I won't help, I won't be kind.

Lie, lie, lie. His wretched heart blooms full in his chest of sympathy and pity and it's all he can do to hold down his impulses to reach his hand out.

But, with this recent atrocity - with his body depraved and degraded by monsters who truly don't care - he can't afford kindness even in the depths of his heart.

It's a week after he stops his mad wanderings that Leverrier comes back again. Red doesn't think any other Exorcist has ever had the sheer pleasure of Leverrier's company as often as Red has.

It's a petty thing, but one Red revels in, as he turns his head away from Leverrier to stare at Link, who promptly stands at attention. "Sir," Link greets eagerly with a quick glare thrown at Red for good measure. Red rolls his eyes, shifting to get comfortable in his bed that he reclines in, pillows propped to let him sit up.

"Good afternoon," Leverrier replies, and Red can feels his stare. "Red. ...Red."

Scowling, Red glares holes into the wall behind Link. "This is just childish," Leverrier says, and Red forces down the impulsive shrug. He doesn't give a damn. "Regardless, even if you pretend to not listen you'll still do what I say."

Red grinds his teeth together, blood roaring in his ears. The... the sheer gall of this man! To rip away Red's agency and independence like they're nothing but butterfly wings. He doesn't want to see him or hear him, or even sense his breathing near Red. He wants that man gone - dead and buried under six feet and maybe even then chained to a cement block and tossed into the middle of the ocean. He wants Leverrier to suffer. He wants to wrap his hands around his throat and squeeze until he's red and then puce and then blue and then pale as breath and life slowly leave him.

"By the end of this week the doctors say you will be fine to leave. Link will escort you to your new rooms and from there you will follow the regimen the rest of the Third Exorcists learned under."

The rest? There are more like him? More cruel unnatural abominations born of this man's insanity? Anger and pity and hatred grows in him, and without warning he tucks his legs under him and launches himself from his bed, hands stretching for Leverrier.

It's unfortunate, he thinks, snarling and gasping, that Link is a CROW. The blond reacts quickly, hands grabbing his shirt and yanking him back and then further, until he wraps Red into a headlock with his body splayed sideways across the bed, Link's thighs pressing into it's side as he struggles to hold Red down.

He's hyperventilating, panicking, and Leverrier's calm facade - the fucker didn't even have the decency to gasp in shock - staring him down. His chest swells with anger, and it's then he realizes why his mind, his subconscious, demanded he take all those meditative walks.

Dark Matter and Innocence rise to his calling, induced by his wild anger, and he feels like both his arms are splitting apart. He howls in pain, throwing his head back and knocking into Link's chin with bruising force. He's screaming, thrashing and gasping and terrified.

"Sedate him!" Leverrier yells, and Red furiously shakes his head, chest heaving.

"Get out!" Red screams. "Get out get out get out get out!"

"Red," Link pleads, arms still around him tightening enough to leave bruises. "Red, calm down! You need to calm down!"

It's not until Leverrier leaves and nurses and doctors flood the room that Red forces his breathing into even paces, trying in vain to remember what Kanda used to do. In in out, in in out, in in out.

It's not until Link releases his hold and carefully lays Red down that he realizes he's chanting it deliriously. "In in out, in in out, in in out."

"It's okay," Link soothes. "He's gone now."

Red nods shakily, still forcing his breathing even and filled with relief as he notices the pain slowly dissipating in his arms. It's slow - first at his shoulders, then down to his elbow, along his forearms where on his right it feels like the two bones there are realigning and closing, and then his wrists, his hands, and finally in his fingertips. Those stay tingling, and they're red at the ends, like they're chapped with cold.

The room is empty. Red turns to Link questioningly and Link shrugs. "I had them sent away. You just needed to calm down - drugs were not necessary."

Red struggles with the impulsive words, holding them in his mouth and then swallowing them down, refusing to say them. Link does not deserve his gratitude. It would take an act of God to ever redeem Link of what he's done. Red doesn't care that he was under orders or that he's signed his own life and soul away to this cause - what was done to Red was immoral and inhumane, and even if Red hates himself more than he hates Link, he'd rather be damned than let Link ever think he'd be forgiven.

The sudden rage and pain has left him tired and breathless still, and so he falls into the pillows, lets Link pull the covers up. He's no fool - the CROW still pities him. This is no act of kindness.

He turns away from Link and sighs as his eyes closed, finding that dark quiet space in his mind where nothing or no one touches him or sees him. Its quiet again.

Link is gone. It's only for a moment, to make sure Red's rooms are ready. Until then, he's been bound to his bed by a few feathers on his legs and by the nurse standing watch next to his bedside. Red hates the tender way the nurse reaches to prop his bed up, fluffing his pillows so Red can sit against them instead of lying flat with his indignity bare for all to see.

The moment of silence stretches and Red forces himself not to break it.

"I'll miss you," the nurse blurts, and Red chokes on his spit.

"What?" He cries, shocked. It takes a moment for the words to set in and then he's blushing. "What?"

"You..." the nurse looks away, and Red wonders if he ever learned his name and simply forgot it in the haze of pain. "You're so strong."

Red's shaking his head before he can stop himself, scowling.

The man's voice drops to a whisper, eyes darting around as if someone will jump out from under Red's bed to catch him. "What we did... what we did is awful. None of the CROW acted this way when we performed the surgery... and now I know why. They didn't have Innocence. This was done to them willingly. You... you were forced." His voice breaks.

Red's trembling violently, his hands shaking as he clutches the covers resting at his hips. This is different from Link's pity or Zhu's self-hatred. This was earnest sympathy and regret, aimed only for Red.

"I'm sorry," the nurse continues with a shaking breath. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

"I don't want your apologies!" Red snaps, ignoring the way his breath hitches and how his throat hurts. "They don't do anything or change anything!"

The nurse looks more like Red's slapped him without reason than simply yelled at him, rearing back and eyes wide. They are quiet, and slowly the nurse's shoulders relax, though Red can see it's an effort. "...you're right. I just -" he swallows hard. "I... asked to be assigned to you."

Red furrows his brow. "Assigned?"

The nurse nods. "Yes. Though the CROW will be responsible for general treatment I'm the one who's on call for anything worse than simple first aid can fix. You... are unprecedented. We only have five successful Third Exorcists, and of them all none had Innocence. We don't know whether the Dark Matter or Innocence will consume each other or how that will affect you."

It's all Red has felt in his own bones tearing themselves apart, but it was never put so bluntly before him. Fuck, they were all fools. Stupid, stupid, fools. But, even more concerning isn't just his state of affairs. "Five?" He breathes, chest constricting. Five, five, five. There were five others like him. Five successful ones. How many were failures? How many had they killed in their insane crusade led by a deaf God?

The nurse nods. "Yes. I've heard you'll meet them once you undergo the training. They're currently at Headquarters."

It strikes Red that without Link hovering he can finally ask the questions burning inside him - and this nurse, full of guilt and shame, will tell him just to try and earn some morsel of Red's forgiveness. "Where are we?"

The nurse looks faintly surprised. "...the American branch. North America, to be specific."

Red's mouth goes dry. Fuck, he had kind of assumed he wasn't at Headquarters but he's all the way the fuck in America? Shit. Shit.

"...you really didn't know?"

"Does it look like I fucking did?" Red snaps, mind whirring with all the implications. He's only been to America once, and he hadn't enjoyed it. More than the trip to Japan for sure, but still. It wasn't a place he had ever thought he'd return to.

Before Red can get more out of the nurse - whose name he still doesn't know - Link returns, face set in an impressive scowl that tells Red he knows exactly what Red had been trying to do. Link nods politely to the nurse and then turns to Red, removing the feathers with whispered words. "Come Red, it's time to leave."

There are two CROW behind Link, hovering just outside the doorway, and childhood nightmares rear in Red's mind at the sight of their uniforms.

He slips from the bed and passes the nurse without a glance, padding barefoot on the cool tile. He follows Link and leaves the room, never looking back.

A/N: Well then *looks at reviews* I'm seem to have made a few people cry haha.

To answer a few guest questions:

I'm not sure if I'll give Red a name. Red isn't really his name - it's just what people called him. He doesn't have one. Whether he gets one is up in the air for now.

To be fair, having Red as the character instead of Allen creates a lot of questions and complexities. I didn't publish Relief here, which I should since it's sort of a prequel to this fic. Red was found by the Order before General Cross could, so he was taken in much earlier to become an Exorcist. Eventually Cross finds him and takes him, much like in canon.

This is set in that ambiguous time between the Level 4 arc and the Timothy arc. I just stretched it by a few weeks to include Red's forced turn into a Third Exorcist and his healing and training. Sometimes Hoshino's lack of set timelines is frustrating, but in the case of this fic it's a blessing haha.

If you have questions about Link or Red's characterization, feel free to send me a review/pm!