A/N: LONG LIVE THE REQUEST YEARS! Someone asked me to do this, so here I am! Not sure if anyone has done this yet, but here we are. Be sure to vote for what will happen! THERE IS a poll on my profile! Vote to decide which faction Naruto joins! Also, remember, if you haven't read/seen Akame ga Kill, you're going to be mighty confused. I recommend the wikipidea if you're lost. Now then, as per the anonymous request, I am once more obligated to say that I own none of the material within, merely the idea for this story.

Now...

...off we go!

And remember!

I!

Own!

NOTHING!

LET US BEGIN~!

BLOOD AND VIOLENCE AHOY!

"...the hell's a teigu?"

~?

Murphy's Law

I really hate science.

Seriously, what possessed humanity to think they could play god?

Whoever got the idea for that, the notion for making these biologial "Teigu" deserves a rod up their ass.

Creating weapons of mass destruction is one thing, but using the bones and ashes of the dead to do it? That's worse than Edo Tensei!

I originally died a loooooong time ago, in case you haven't guessed that by now. Centuries, by my the last count. And you know what? I am happy with that. Content, even. I lived a long and prosperous life, kicked ass and took names. The bad guys lost, and we won. I even settled down and raised myself a family. Watched my boy grow up and become Hokage after me. Then I got to sit on my ass and enjoy old age. After all I'd said and done, I think I earned, it right? I'd done all I set out to do; and when I finally kicked the bucket it was in bed surrounding by my children, grandchildren, and great-grand-children.

It was a good death, all things considered.

There's just one tiiiiiny problem.

I didn't stay dead.

Life gets kinda blurry after my first "death" as it were.

By the time I realized someone had dragged my soul back from the dead and stuffed me inside this...facsimile, I wasn't happy. Being bound to a body with instant regeneration should be a plus, but for me to dragged to the physical world again? To be forced to serve others? Hell no! I'm trapped from the moment of the imprint, forced to obey no matter how much I might despise it.

I want to die.

I want to stay DEAD.

So why the HELL do they keep bringing me back?!

(...)

Seryu Ubiquitous felt like dancing.

Because she was finally going to get her very own Teigu!

It took all she had just to sit still and not bounce on the balls of her feet as she sat in her chair, watching Doctor Stylish fuss over her. Endless tests, procedures and statistics had all led up to this moment. At first, she thought she was going to receive the canine-like Hekatonkheires as a partner but instead of the adorable little dog, the enigmatic doctor directed her to a strange tube containing a different subject. He didn't look at all like a dog which was really too bad; because she liked doggies, but she was still more than willing to press her hand against the glass and see what happened.

Incredibly, he'd twitched!

Reacted!

To her!

Doctor Stylish had run a slew of tests since, adamant that she not provoke him, but she didn't see why she would.

Not when he looked like he could rip a danger beast in half with his bare hands.

Quietly basking in her pride, she risked a glance at him once more.

Tall, with blond hair and whiskered cheeks, he looked almost human.

Like a young man, really.

Honestly, she found it hard to believe he was a teigu at all, even a biological one. Were there other human teigu like that elsewhere in the world? Seryu didn't know, nor for that matter did she see a weapon anywhere on him. That only made her all the more curious about him. Stylish insisted she mustn't take him lightly, that he was capable of incredible destruction. That only made her all the more curious. What could he do? What was he like? Could he speak? Was he sentient? So many questions, not enough answers! She couldn't wait to get to know him! Together they would dispense absolute Justice on the wicked! Just the thought of it made her giddy with glee!

"And, we're all set, Seryu-chan~!

Released from the strange cylinder, the blond flopped forward, gasping for breath.

Blue eyes fluttered open.

...where am I?"

"Home."

A strange aura of menace emanated from the blond as he stood, woodenly and without care. Uncaring for his nakedness, he turned a cutting glare on the deranged scientist. Seryu colored and clamped both hands over her face as that swung in her direction, flushing to the roots of her hair. She wasn't looking! Nope! Not at all! Not even a little...

"Doctor." those bright orbs fixed on Stylish, narrow and angry. "What is it this time?"

"Now, now, Naruto-kun!" the surgeon cried! "There's no need to be cross with me!"

"I have every reason to be cross with you." the blond replied blackly as Stylish tossed him a dark pair of slacks. "You woke me up." he growled, slipping into the rough-hewn pants. "Again. You promised to destroy my body after last time."

"I lied."

"Bastard! I'll kill you!"

"Ah, but you can't, remember?"

Uncertain where all this was going, Ubiquitous dared to interject.

"Um, hi there! I'm your new master." She beamed, eagerly extending her hand. "Pleased to work with you!"

"Naruto" stared at the offered hand for a long moment, his expression decidedly blank.

Abruptly, he slapped it away.

"I refuse."

Seryu recoiled, stung, clutching her palm to her chest.

"No?"

"No." he deadpanned flatly. "Are you deaf?"

"What do you mean, no?!"

"As in negative. Nai. Nyet. Nunca. Find someone else." The "teigu" replied blandly. "I don't want anything to do with you. I thought you were like her but...you're not. You're...dark. Twisted." he made a face, as though he'd just bitten into a particularly sour lemon. "Leave me alone or-?!" Something dawned in his eyes then, something Seryu wasn't entirely sure she liked. "It was a lie," Naruto murmured to himself, eyes widening ever so slowly, "You are a lie. A walking hypocrisy. I don't have to listen to you. Which means...

"Wait, what?"

By way of answer, Naruto turned his gaze on Doctor Stylish.

"Doctor," he began pleasantly," You done goofed."

For a moment, nothing happened.

Then Naruto smiled.

"Rasengan."

Stylish swore.

"Oh, dear. Can we, ah, talk about this?"

Blue eyes burned red.

"NO."

That was all Seryu heard before NAruto rammed a handful of chakra into the doctor's face.

With that lone word Doctor Stylish simply ceased to be; he stood there one moment, jaw agape unable to comprehend what'd just occurred. Then the spiraling sphere ground his face to a paste and he was gone in the next instant; his brains little more then a grey stain on the wall. Naruto didn't stop there. Before the decapitated corpse could so much as twitch he drove a foot into it and with a roar of "KATSU!" Obliterated it utterly. Great gouts of fiery blood and gore shot outwards in every direction, spattering the walls, ceiling, even Seryu herself as she stood there, aghast.

"Well." Naruto mused, observing his handiwork. "I suppose I should thank you, Seryu-san. I didn't know that loophole existed. Now I'm free to do as I please."

With that, the poor girl's mind finally restarted.

"Stop!" she shouted as he walked past! "I order you to stop!"

The blond paused, his back to her.

"Give me another order and I will kill you."

Enraged, she thrust a finger at the towering titan looming over her.

"Enough!" she snapped! "You're a Teigu! You responded to me! You have to do what I say and I say I WILL NOT be bulled by the likes of-

"You have an attitude problem. Allow me to fix it."

"What? No! Stop! What're you-EEK!"

Ground.

Seryu's words trailed off into a shrill, startled squeal as the blond effortlessly proceeded to reach down, grabbed her by the arm and made her face intimate with the floor in a way that no proper lady could ever desire. Once. Twice. Thrice. The mighty man swung her back and forth like a ragdoll, her lanky body crashing into the floor with a resounding thud. At last, tired with his toy, the teigu flung her away into, then through a wall. Mortar and stone cascaded across her body as she tumbled out into the street, sprawling helplessly head over heels. She had to do something, had to get up had to fight...

When she finally ground to a halt, her armor in tatters, it was already too late.

The ruins of Doctor Stylish's savaged lab stared back at her, a column of smoke and fire rising into the night. She thought she saw something stir in the ruined building. A dark specter moving in the shadow and flame, a grinning phantom who leered at her even as the fires licked at his flesh.

Then he was upon her.

"Aaargh!"

Seryu cried out, feeling something give way in her back as the blond stomped down, obliterating her spine as though it were no more than a twig.

Naruto growled, a deep snarl issuing forth from his throat as he stared down at the prone girl beneath his foot. A hand reached for her head and...

...patted it?

"I won't kill you." his voice was a raw hiss in her ear. "That'd bee too easy. There's also a chance I might actually go back to sleep if I did kill ya." a hand tucked itself beneath her chin, forcing her to stare back at those merciless, angry orbs, cold and bereft of any emotion. Nothing. She saw nothing in those cross-shaped pupils as he stared down at her. She was an insect to him-no, less than insect. "And then where would I be? No, I think I'll leave you like this, paralyzed for now. Do have fun while you can, Seryu-san. Oh, and before I forget-

He leaned closer, lips brushing the outer lobe of her ear. Seryu hated herself for shuddering in spite of it.

"Puny...Girl."

With a jovial whistle Naruto left her behind and set out into the night.

"I wonder if this place has any ramen...?"

A/N: VOTE FOR WHICH FACTION YOU WANT NARUTO TO SUPPORT! The Empire? Or Night Raid? Hell, I even have a poll for it up on my profile! Pairings remain up in the air!

What kind of powers does Naruto have in this? Many. You'll see them soon! Aaand there you have it! OUR FIRST DEATH RIGHT OUT OF THE GATE! I got the idea of having Naruto as a Teigu from Susanoo in the manga, because it was simply too good to pass up. Or is he a true teigu, hmm? One can only wonder since he basically told Seryu to fuck off. That was...enjoyable. At first, I honestly considered sticking him with miss crazy-pants to try and change her over time, but then I realized something. Why am I confining myself to canon?

Screw that!

Yes, Seryu is cute, and YES she is slightly misunderstood, but she can also be a hypocrite and overall a very nasty, vicious person.

She kills civilians for crying out loud!

And she killed Sheele.

Made fun of Chelsea.

In short, a bitch.

So I beat her within an inch of her life. Why didn't I kill her like Stylish? Too easy. If she recovers and encounters Naruto again, death is the only answer.

And with that, its back to bed for me and more painkillers to recover.

Yay.

Hope ya'll enjoyed the update! I sincerely look forward to your reviews on this chapter when I wake up!

So in the immortal words of Atlas...

...review, would you kindly? (And of course, enjoy the preview! Hope it makes ya grin!)

(Preview)

Akame blinked.

"You...you're actually pretty nice."

Naruto colored to the roots of his hair.

"Praising me doesn't make me happy, ya know!"

R&R~!