fandom: loveless
title: if one more day.
pairing: soubi + ritsuka
rating: pg
Description - Soubi learned to paint from both sides of the mirror because of Seimei and Ritsuka.

Disclaimer - Loveless isn't mine.

if one more day.
By miyamoto yui

"What does it look like?"

It is the usual question that any amateur will ask when faced with a piece of art. And in turn, the artist will ask, "What does it look like to you?"
In painting, I have a white room that I must fill with color. It is something of life and it is something of death. Seductively, the hues come together as if they're dancing.

In the end, there is no pure color.
White is the absence of color? And Black is the absorption of all of them? If so, how can you say that white is pure when it hasn't touched life and how can you say black is death when it touched nothing but life?

A very long time ago, I considered myself 'white'. There was an absence that seized me relentlessly. I was once unmarked because I lived life so complacently. My Sensei made sure that pain and pleasure were the same.
Once in a while, I touched my scars just to make sure.

But my Master came into my white world.

Out of nowhere, blocking the sakura tree I was fond of, he appeared on the windowsill of the school's painting studio. I, who had been staring at my blank canvas for such a long while that I forgot the time, turned my eyes temporarily towards his direction, but I didn't move my head. Then, I ignored him as I stared at my canvas.
I didn't even put the different colors of paint out.

I couldn't make an image of anything in my head.

Inspiration is a curious thing. It is close to that of the elements of temptation, don't you think? You have an idea and it spreads to other ideas which incessantly intermingle with one another. It becomes an obsession.
You can't let go until you make your thought into a reality.

Even if it's only in 2-D. Sometimes, I think that's all human emotions can take.

"I can help you," he said to me. I could hear the casualness of this person's speech, as if he had always watched me.

"I do not need a model," I flatly replied.

"I am not a model. I am a catalyst."
At that moment, he came over to me and leaned close to my ear to whisper, "I will show you something even better. Something deeper. Meet me at…"
When he finished, I took one pink petal that fell onto his chest. Whether or not he purposely left it there, I had no idea, but he was pleased that I touched the area near his heart.

That night, under the dark sky with its shining stars, I waited under a bridge. I wondered why I would do something so out-of-character. How did I get off trusting someone who popped into a window like a Cheshire Cat?
Yet, here I was, pulled by a desire to know.

Suggestions are the true sins of people.
They are innocent words which give you more pictures than you can possibly process in your lifetime. Like waves, they come back over and over even though you think you've pushed them out of your mind for all time.

He brought a small blue stereo with him. "I'm here."
I turned my head and nodded my head, unable to speak. I felt that words were going to be worthless.
"Close your eyes."
Still suspicious of him, I gave him an indignant look.
"If I harm you in any way, you are to kill me any way you'd like. I swear it." The words rolled off his tongue too cleanly, as if planned.

It was as if he could use his whole body to bewitch someone...

...maybe that was why I was here.

I had always watched him. I wanted to KNOW.
I was thinking of capturing HIM when I was looking at my canvas all this time. Did I somehow sell my soul to the devil in the name of aestheticism?

I thought I was about to.

"Fine." I closed my eyes and I heard the young man's breath as he whispered into my ear, "I have always liked those mirror eyes of yours. So cold and calculating."

Without even hearing a click, soft jazz music played.

I put my right leg up and the left one was straight as I positioned my back against the cold stone of the bridge. I could feel its iciness to my core. I heard the music and the wind mix in my ears.
And then, I realized, he was blowing into my ear.

With the rustling of the grass, on all fours, he was coming closer and closer. An exhilarated feeling of fear and anticipation ran through my blood. I wanted to know.
And yet I didn't want to.

The yearning to know was too strong. It wasn't just a 'want'.
It became an absolute necessity.

His lips almost touched my ears.

"What are you trying to do?" I asked sharply. My eyes were still closed. I wouldn't lose to this mere boy.
"I am trying to see how far I can go until I can get a reaction out of you."
"What? You think I'm a toy?"
"A beautiful one."

So poignant and clear.

"Now that I've told you my intentions, all the mystery is gone."
At that moment, I opened my eyes to find his face right in front of mine. He was sitting on my thighs and leaning his hands, palms flat, on the sides of my face against the stone wall. How had he moved so deftly and quietly?

"On the contrary, I think that you've made yourself more mysterious."
"Can I make a deal with you then?" He put his hands on my shoulders and tilted his head slightly to one side.
I smirked. "If you can make me react, I will follow you wherever you are. No questions asked."
"I knew I came to the right person…" he proudly told me as his tongue almost touched my ear.

A flood of colors started to emerge into my head…

Lust.
Gluttony.
Greed.
Sloth.
Wrath.
Envy.
Pride.

All so dark...

*/*/*/*

The maple leaves of the Fall were waving at us as they floated to the ground beneath us. We walked past the red, orange, and brown pathway in strained silence.

As Ritsuka pouted with his face in the air, he walked ahead of me in the sunset. He had to get back home before his mother began to worry and here I was following him.
But yet again, he was mad at me for giving him one of those answers that didn't make sense to him.

Almost in a shout, I could hear the hurt in his voice as he told me, "Why are you always making fun of the fact that I am younger than you?"
"I am doing no such thing," I calmly answered as I watched his childish figure stomp along the road. "I was just simply saying that painting will be different for you even though I painted it while Seimei was still with me."

Still with me…
Ritsuka's ears twitched. Was it jealousy towards this relationship between us or that one between them?

"But the painter knows exactly what is what in their painting. It is their own heart."
"So simply put. I love you for that, Ritsuka."

But where was my heart in between the two of you?

You guys are of the same blood and yet you are very different in your mannerisms. But it is scary that you do no know that you possess the same sexiness.

The same aura of temptation that you know you will be taken in. And you want to be, even if you are destroyed forever from the inside.

Passion isn't the same as temptation.
And temptation doesn't give way to anything but
increasing selfishness: that hunger for 'more'.
There is no definition for 'more' and yet you'll crave it
until it destroys you.

People get scared when they see others get too immersed in a person or thing
but they themselves are too afraid to touch
and take responsibility
for the price of finding a world where their happiness lies.

Then they envy others who can achieve their dream, whether it is 'right' or 'wrong' in society's eyes.

At that moment, as the sun was going down, giving way to violet, blue, and indigo, I rushed up to grab up his chin to kiss him hungrily.
Yes, it was wrong of me. Yes, I reacted when this boy did nothing to me but tug at me with his innocence.

When I first met you, I wanted to touch you because I could with my indifference. Now, I didn't want to touch you because I was afraid of the consequences.

This time, I knew exactly what I was doing.
I had no idea what I would have to pay when I lost you, for I was sure I would…
I did not care.

Selfishlessly, I now understood why Seimei wanted to hide you away from the madness of this world. It wasn't the world that was crazy.
It was reacting to you. It wanted you so badly.

I want you more than that.

From deep within, I am afraid to grow up.

There was a time I wanted all the colors to come together to make sense. I hope they don't for a while. But I know that that is a hopeless wish.
Fear is the start of pain.

I may be used to it, but I might not like it if it touches you, Ritsuka.

If one more day, just to live peacefully with you,
I want white. All so bright...

Chastity.
Temperance.
Charity.
Diligence.
Forgiveness.
Kindness.
Humility.

...let me go blind.

You pulled away and your face looked so breathless.
"Stop confusing me," he said with tear-filled eyes and a dagger-like tone.

I cannot say I'm sorry.

I don't know what I want you to be either. That's why I cannot paint you.

But once I do, it will be the end of everything.

Owari.

Author's note:

I don't know why, but I thought of my friend Niko who loves Seimei. And when I heard a certain song, I suddenly wanted to write a Loveless fic. If there are any mistakes with the storyline, excuse it. I have only experience with the anime.

I know I am rusty, but please forgive it.

Thank you for reading!

Sincerely,
Miyamoto Yui

4/8/2007 9:34:48 AM - LA
4/9/07 1:34 AM - Tokyo