My wife is crazy

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"ICHIGO! DID YOU PICK UP THE BASKET OF APPLES LIKE I TOLD YOU TO?!"

Ichigo Kurosaki froze instantly. He was on his way to the bathroom -for a pretty urgent #1, if you might ask- when he heard Rukia yelling from the kitchen. And he knew that tone, oh boy and only too well. He was in it and he was in it deep to the waist.

She had asked him yesterday to pick up some apples so she could bake an apple pie for his father's birthday, which would be celebrated in the world of the living, obviously.

But, being the very, very busy captain that he is, of course he ran out of time.

She was already mad enough last night when he showed up emptyhanded that this morning, he got up at 5 am only to be greeted with dozens of colored post-it papers on the fridge, each and every one of them showing Rukia's handwriting: please, honey DON'T YOU DARE FORGET THE APPLES.

Since Isshin's birthday party was tomorrow, that night was the only time Rukia had left to bake this pie, and lord wouldn't she let her husband forget it.

But of course, Ichigo's only reaction was rolling his eyes at all the post-its in front of him when he opened the fridge to take some orange juice. Did she think he had a peanut for a brain? Of course he wouldn't forget! Pfft.

Without any other thought, Ichigo went on with the rest of his day. Now there he was, halfway into opening the bathroom door, as he widened his eyes in pure horror. He fucking forgot those goddamned apples… He actually fucking did. He was completely and totally fucked.

"ICHIGO?!" he heard Rukia shouting again.

Bang bang bang bang bang

Shit! She was walking towards him, and even her footsteps sounded pissed off.

No time to think. Ichigo, as fast as lightning, slid the bathroom door open in and closed it back in one swift motion.

Rukia knocked hard on it as she got in front of the bathroom. KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK "Ichigo," she yelled right after, "I don't see any apples on the counter, tell me you bought them before the store closed, right?!"

He felt sweat beginning to form at the base of his neck and he scratched his head nervously, facing the other side of the door.

"One second," he tried to coo as sweetly as he could, "I really need to pee."

That's when the door busted open in a loud BAM, Rukia's glare shooting venom at him as soon as they made eye contact.

"Take a piss after we're done," he heard her say in what could only be heard as Satan's voice itself.

Ichigo let out a nervous laugh while slowly backing away from a now fuming Rukia Kuchiki. "Rukia, baby, don't freak out please. You know I had a lot to do today with my squad," he was almost raising his hands in defeat at this point.

"Ichigo," she snarled, "you've known about the pie for two freaking weeks now."

"Yeah- but it's your pie, you could've bought them too, technically."

He noticed one of her eyebrow twitching. Shit, just say something, anything else.

"Maybe you can give something else to my dad; your pies aren't exactly the greatest food-"

"WHAT?!" the woman yelled in pure and animalistic rage.

Shit. Fuck. Shit. Fuck. Fuck. Shit. Aboard mission.

"I- I mean, you just put a whole lot of salt in your dough, don't you think-"

"I follow the recipe, you useless dumbass!" she cut him before he could finish another sentence.

Ichigo closed his eyes as he expected Rukia's foot to hit his face, his stomach or even his shin, but after a few seconds, no shock ever came. He carefully opened one eye and saw…

…no one.

She was gone.

He walked to where she had been standing just a second ago, then heard her steps going up the stairs. "Rukia!" he yelled, "what are you doing?"

"BURNING YOUR CAPTAIN HAORI!"

He widened his eyes, and started running after her in less time than it takes to say 'fucked'.

"RUKIA! STOP PLEASE DON'T- AAAHHHH WHAT THE FUCK LET GO OF MY UNIFORM! I'LL KNOCK DOWN A TREE TO GET YOU YOUR DAMN APPLES! RUKIA! RUKIA!"

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Yep. I'm Ichigo Kurosaki, and my wife is crazy.

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A/N: There will be more of these, if you guys like it. :)

I do not own Bleach.