What Starfleet Doesn't Prepare You For

Written for a prompt given by equine 14.

Warnings: Swearing and a some descriptions of injuries, nothing major.

I can't write accents worth a darn, though I'm working on it, so just imagine the characters (in particular Chekov and Scotty) speaking in their respective accents while reading their dialogue.

Prompt: Chekov is a really good at withstanding pain, Bones needs coffee without the caffeine, Jim gets a new hobby, and Spock learns Karate. (No slash.)

Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek.

Bones was hoping to have normal day, despite the fact that he'd gone to bed a 0200 hours and had woken up at 0600 hours, giving him only four hours of sleep. That wasn't much to function on.

It wasn't his own damn fault that he'd gone to bed so late. It was the alien crewmember (the doctor couldn't even remember exactly which species it was, he was too tired) who had needed his appendix removed. Okay, so it was the species' equivalent of an appendix, but whatever, it had taken much longer than it ought to have. Much longer than any similar human operation would've taken.

The point was, Dr. McCoy reported for duty in Sickbay half-awake. For the next couple hours he downed numerous cups of coffee, hoping to wake himself up sufficiently.

"Oh, well, at least there aren't too many patients this morning." he yawned. The Enterprise was en route to a science station on a distant planet, so there were no emergencies to deal with or to prepare for; just some routine inoculations and examinations, most of which the nurses could handle. Good thing, too, because even four cups of coffee was barely enough to keep McCoy's eyes open.

It was around 1100 hours that he got his first emergency call. "Dr. McCoy to Enterprise gym, medical emergency."

He let out a frustrated snarl and slammed his now-empty coffee mug on the table. "I knew the quiet was too good to last." he growled before snatching up his medical equipment and hurrying to the gym with a couple nurses.

His patient was a young crewmember he remembered vaguely as Ensign Weller (a somewhat aggressive, indomitable fellow), and McCoy found him lying on the floor near a wrestling mat, covered in still-red bruises. He was conscious, but rather groggy.

"He got a rather hard knock on the noggin, I reckon." another crewmember commented.

"Stand back, will you? He has a severe concussion and doesn't need you lot hovering around!" That much is pretty damn obvious. Bones ran the tricorder over the inert figure before looking around at the crowd of bystanders. "He'll survive. Now would anyone mind telling me what the hell happened here?"

The onlookers parted and a tall, ramrod-straight figure stepped forward. "It was an accident of my own making, Dr. McCoy."

McCoy was pretty sure that his jaw was about to fall to the floor before he disciplined it. "Spock?"

The half-Vulcan, dressed in workout clothes but with his hair as straight at shiny as ever, answered in a monotone, "Ensign Weller was attempting to teach me the ancient human martial arts technique known as karate and I became rather…overzealous in my attempts at mirroring his movements."

It took McCoy a while to get past "karate", but when he did he exclaimed disbelievingly, "Overzealous? Overzealous, my ass! You really need to check the definitions in your mental dictionary, Spock! And what the hell possessed you to learn karate, anyway?"

The faintest trace of a frown came over Spock's otherwise blank countenance. "Captain Kirk suggested it. He said it was a useful defensive technique and that it would be 'right up my alley'."

McCoy resisted the temporary urge to hunt down Jim and give him a karate lesson. "Nurses, get the patient to Sickbay. Never mind, Spock, Weller will be fine. But next time you have someone teach you karate for God's sake keep that bloody Vulcan super strength under control!"

"I will make every attempt to do so, Doctor."

McCoy simply rolled his eyes.

Of course, the day went downhill from there.

After Ensign Weller had been seen to and released from Sickbay, McCoy barely had enough time to down yet another cup of coffee in his office before he heard a panicked voice from the Sickbay main doors. "Dr. McCoy! Dr. McCoy, we need your help!"

"Yeah, what else is new?" he grumbled, but he hurried out of his office just the same, having recognized Hikaru Sulu's voice.

He found the anxious helmsmen standing next to a biobed where one of the nurses had guided Ensign Chekov, who at first glance looked fine, besides being a bit pale. It took another few seconds for McCoy to realize what was the matter. "My God! How the hell did that thing get on your hand, Chekov? And what the blasted bloody hell is it?"

For clamped firmly on Chekov's left hand (which he held cradled in his right) was something that looked like a cross between a shark's mouth with rotten teeth and the 'trap' part of a purple Venus flytrap. And it was huge…at least eight inches across if not more. It was clinging to the young Russian's hand in what McCoy would describe as a decidedly determined manner, sinking its yellowish teeth deep into the flesh.

Sulu was the one who answered "It's the trap leaves of a Carnivorous Silvarian Gre…" He was cut off by a ferocious glare from McCoy and a snarled, "How did it get there?"

Chekov spoke up. "Hikaru was showing me his sword collection and I accidentally brushed up against one of his plants. It does not like to be touched." He shrugged. "It is not so bad, just a bit uncomfortable."

Sulu didn't look convinced, and McCoy certainly wasn't, but he only said, "Jesus, Sulu, you keep carnivorous plants in your room where your friends come to visit?"

It took almost fifteen minutes to get the…thing…off of Chekov's hand (by the time he was finished, McCoy could swear that the thing was still very much alive and vicious), and once it was off, the multiple puncture wounds left behind bled copiously.

Sulu kept apologizing over and over again (given is obvious anxiety over the ensign, McCoy didn't have the heart to tell him to shut up or get out), but Chekov didn't even yelp at any point during the procedure and only winced a couple times.

McCoy took the time to examine the plant thingy afterwards and discovered the potent pain-inducing acid its "teeth" contained. On one hand, he was impressed. That kid's got nerves of steel; being bitten by this thing must've been agony!

On the other hand, he was exasperated. "Would someone please explain to me, " he shouted to Sickbay in general, "why a person would keep a damn carnivorous plant in their bedroom?" No one answered.

Damn, he really wanted another cup of coffee.

The rest of the day was only slightly less eventful. A engineering petty officer came in with a broken nose (lover's spat), a young woman from maintenance fell off a ladder and broke her ankle, and one of the newer nurses knocked over an entire shelf of medications.

Then Scotty came charging into Sickbay. "Dr. McCoy, will you please come down to Engineering right away? It's the Captain."

McCoy barely stopped himself from banging his head against the nearest storage cabinet. Can't that idiot go one day without landing himself in Sickbay? And today of all days? "Well, what's wrong with him this time, Mr. Scott? What the hell did he do?"

"It's what he hasn't done yet that bothers me! You may not have heard, but recently I suggested that he take up a new hobby, and what does he choose to do? Nothing safe for him or anyone else, I can guarantee you that. He's planning to bungee-jump of the bloody walkways!"

Bones let out a loud groan and shoved past the chief engineer. So now I have to go talk him out of another harebrained scheme. What else is new? At the door of Sickbay he stopped and spun around. "Nurse Chapel!" he bellowed.

"Yes, Doctor?" she replied slightly nervously.

"Get me another cup of coffee for when I get back." McCoy paused, considering. Damn, I've had a lot of coffee today, haven't I? Finally, he clarified, "Decaf this time."

This is longer than I intended, but I hope it's at least somewhat funny.

Side note: Have any of you ever overdosed on coffee? I did once...I'd just gone to church and was exhausted but I had homework to do so I drank five cups of coffee in a row. It was awful.

Equine 14: Thanks for your reviews and I hope you enjoyed this! (It's my first time writing from a prompt, actually.)

Reviews are appreciated.