A.N. My first response to the loss of a great character. I'm sure it won't be my last.

Absent Masters

She found him in the bullpen, feet up, chair tilted, staring at the ceiling. Coming up behind him, she put her head into his field of vision, upside down.

"Are you okay?"

He startled, feet crashing to the floor, chair flinging him upright.

"Me? Of course I'm okay. Why wouldn't I be?"

Reid seemed irritated at the question, which JJ deemed a more genuine response than the one that had just left his lips. So she tried a different tack. An honest one.

"Well, I'm not."

That got his attention. He'd thought he was the only one who had difficulty dealing with change.

"You're not?"

"No! I can't believe they just changed their minds and made Hotch's assignment permanent. I mean, you know, we've been without him before. But permanently?"

Reid narrowed his eyes at his best friend, trying to determine if she was just trying to draw him out, or if she was genuinely distressed.

She's always the one who keeps her cool. I'm the one who wears my heart on my sleeve, isn't that what Emily used to tell me?

He still wasn't quite sure, but JJ was doing a convincing job of looking upset. And, God knew, he was pretty upset himself. So he opened up.

"Well…yeah, now that you say that. I thought it was strange that they pulled him for special duty in the first place, but I never expected him not to come back."

Mentally flashing back to his child-self, the self who'd first said the words, 'but I never expected him not to come back.' Reid shook himself back to the present, back to his equally upset colleague.

"I guess I didn't realize you would feel so strongly about it."

JJ sighed and plopped herself down on the edge of his desk, staring off in the direction of the window.

"Hotch taught me everything. I mean, I came to the BAU to be the liaison with the media and other law enforcement. I was good enough at it, I guess. But …well, he said he saw something in me, and he started teaching me how to triage cases."

Reid was surprised to hear that.

"I've always thought that went with the job."

"Uh-uh. It was Hotch. He used to do it, like he's been doing again, now. Or…before, I guess." The news still too fresh to have infiltrated her syntax. "I wonder who will do it now."

Curious, as were all of them, who their new unit chief would be. With Morgan gone, Rossi was the only member of them with leadership experience. And he had already retired once.

Reid cleared his throat to pull her from her reverie.

"Oh….sorry! Anyway, Hotch taught me how to assess risk, and how to think about behaviors and, before I knew it, it was a part of my job."

He smiled at her. "Hotch was right. You were really good at it. And," he teased, "telling us which case to take also went pretty well with your bossy nature."

"Hey!"

"Sorry. Just kidding. So, you must have worked pretty closely with him, back then."

JJ just looked at Reid and laughed. "Weren't you there? Oh, no, that's right. You were with Gideon most of the time. The two of us learned from the masters, didn't we?"

He rocked in his chair. "So we did."

"Yeah." Thinking, remembering. "I actually did work pretty closely with Hotch. I got to know him pretty well, or at least I liked to think that I had. He was different then, though."

"How?"

"Well, for one thing, he was younger."

"Ha! So were we!"

She chuckled. "So we were. Hotch was still with Haley then, and they were still good together. She used to stop by a lot, especially during her pregnancy. Hotch…he was….'lighter' then. Not sure why that's the word, but it's the only one that will come to mind. He was happier. He smiled."

Half of Reid's mouth curved up. "I can hardly remember that, but you're right. He used to smile. He even used to laugh. Before…everything."

Everything. It was the only way to put it, when a single life had been battered by so much. Too much.

JJ remembered. "He was still excited by life, back then. Still hopeful. Still thinking he could make a difference, with his work and with his family."

"And then, things started to change", noted Reid. "Things weren't so good at home. And they weren't so good here, either."

Elle had fallen victim, physically and emotionally, to the job. And then Gideon had gone off the rails, after a long period of teetering. Hotch had done all he could to hold the man steady, but it hadn't been enough.

"He had so many burdens to carry," said JJ. "And then he helped us carry our own, too. He was the first person I told about my sister, did you know that? I told Hotch even before I told you."

"Why?" Concerned that she'd been troubled, and he'd somehow missed seeing it.

"I told him because he was hurting so badly over Haley. I remember thinking I could see a little of the old Hotch, that day. Not the hopefulness, but the real Hotch. His armor had failed him. He was so raw, and I just wanted to do something, anything to help him feel better."

"That was a tough time. I knew I couldn't quite understand what he was going through, but I felt it, just the same. I couldn't imagine how he could come back from that."

"But he did."

Reid nodded. "Yes, he did." Rocking a bit more, thinking back. "Maybe he had to. Maybe it made him relate to our victims in a whole new way. Maybe he was driven."

JJ studied her best friend for a long moment, contemplating his own tragic loss, and the withdrawal that had ensued. She'd been frightened for him, then. And she'd been frightened all over again, when he'd come back, simultaneously reserved and reckless.

Hotch was worried about him then, too. Angry, even, with the chances he was taking. But he worked with him. He must have seen the pain in Spence, and felt like he was looking into a mirror.

She spoke as though her whole internal conversation had been shared aloud, the prerogative of a good friend. She knew Reid's thoughts would have followed hers.

"He's been there for every one of us, when we needed him," she said.

Her best friend agreed. "I know I put that to the test more than once. But I always felt like he was in my corner. Even when he threatened to fire me."

"What?!"

Reid nodded. "I was going through a bad time. I'd failed to save a kid, who was shot right in front of me. I'd begun to wonder what, exactly, I was doing here, at the BAU. And I was craving."

As troubled as she was to just be hearing this now, JJ thought it was also testimony to their departed unit chief's discretion.

We really could trust him with anything.

She encouraged Reid. "Tell me?"

He heaved a great sigh, and reminded her of the case of Owen Savage, the young Texas boy who'd been bullied for so much of his life, without benefit of a nurturing parent.

"We have a name for it, these days. 'Toxic stress'…..unrelenting stress in the face of a lack of protective factors." He recited the official definition for her. "That's what happened to Owen, and I related to it."

Not for the first time, JJ longed to reach back into Spence's past, to comfort the child he'd been. But all she could do was to look her affection at the miraculous adult version, the one who'd overcome the odds.

"I remember that case. And I remember how stressed you were by it."

"Hmph!" he snorted. "You remember how obnoxious I was to all the locals about it."

She reddened. He was right, she had even issued an apology on his behalf.

"Well…all of us act out, now and then, don't we?"

Just not too long ago, it had been her. She'd lashed out at Reid's sympathy, at his pointing out her all-too-obvious symptoms of PTSD. And then she'd gone rogue on Hotch, directly defying an order.

Again, no words needed to be exchanged. He'd gone there with her.

"Did he threaten to fire you?" He'd wondered, all this time.

"No, he just benched me. And sent me to therapy."

Reid smiled. "That's kind of what he did for me, too."

Except his 'therapy' had been a narcotics addiction support group, and Hotch had only been able to intimate, not direct. Because the subject matter couldn't be discussed, even if everyone in the BAU had drawn the same conclusions.

"I guess he kind of saved our careers, if we think about it."

"He did more than save my career, JJ. He saved my life."

"You mean…." That time she could never think about without being near tears. "But you saved yourself, then, Spence."

He shook his head. "I killed Tobias Hankel. But I was out in the middle of nowhere, freezing, and barefoot.." And beaten, and drugged. "I didn't let Hankel kill me, but I would have died out there, just the same, if Hotch hadn't understood what I'd said."

He'd given a cryptic message to his unit chief, in what he'd understood to be a live feed going out to his team. And then he'd prayed.

She remembered. How could I ever forget! She remembered how agonizing it had been to see what had been done to Spence, how terrified she'd been for his life…..and how astounded she'd been to realize that he'd still had the presence of mind to speak to them, in the only way that he could. And astounded all over again when Hotch had understood. The entire exchange had spoken to the cognitive and emotional intelligence of both men.

"It was like the two of you knew each other so well. That you had complete trust that he would understand, and he had complete trust that you would never willingly give him up."

For a long time afterward, both when under the influence and when clear-headed, Reid had revisited those moments. Those few seconds when he'd had to decide to whom to entrust his life. And he'd instinctively chosen Hotch. Not Gideon.

It had been the first time he'd fully realized that his allegiance to Gideon had shifted. Over the years, his unquestioning trust had become penetrated by questions, some of which couldn't be answered. He'd acquired other role models, found friendships, developed respect. And, when it came to Aaron Hotchner, that respect ran deep, both then, and now.

He'd felt guilty, at first, after the Georgia incident. Gideon had, after all, rescued him from a life in the lab. He'd been the master profiler, the man who'd co-founded the unit, the legend. Reid had researched him after their first meeting, too enamored of the man and the invitation to pay much heed to what was written between the lines. He'd come to Quantico to learn what he could at the feet of the master, all those things that couldn't quite be captured in a book. And he'd learned, and learned, and learned.

Some of what he'd learned is that Gideon worked better as a solo act. He'd had only the one partner, back in the day. And the word was that they hadn't remained close. In Reid's time, Gideon had often appeared to feel as though he'd felt 'saddled' with the team. He'd been more likely than not to head off on his own, no explanation provided, leaving the team no choice but to follow him. And still, he'd nurtured Reid.

But he treated me like a protégé, like my success would reflect on him. I think he genuinely cared about me. Maybe I've just always wanted to think that. But I do. Still, he was only capable of caring to a certain point. I can't fault him for being himself. But, if I think about it, I was as isolated, with him, as I'd ever been. I'd transferred my attachment from one dysfunctional adult to another. It wasn't until Hotch took me under his wing that things began to really change in my life. It was Hotch who taught me how to work as part of a team, how to relate to the person, and not just the profile.

Gideon nurtured my talent, Hotch nurtured me.

And, somewhere along the way, the dark-haired senior profiler had managed to prepare Reid for yet another relocation of his faith in human beings.

He taught me how to have faith in myself. To trust my judgment, and my instincts. Not just my knowledge, but my understanding of people. Maybe he was getting me ready for the inevitable. I'm sure he knew he wouldn't be with the team forever.

"I did trust him, and I still do. Apart from you, he'd gotten to know me the best. I was still a little afraid of Morgan in those days…."

They both smiled. Fear had grown into understanding, and then into love, and the two men had become as close as brothers. Both Reid and JJ….and the others….had mourned Morgan's decision to leave the team last year. But they'd also understood. It had come after he'd survived a terrible ordeal that had been punctuated by the blessed birth of his son.

"And Hotch and I had gotten into the habit of dissecting our cases once they were over. That's where we had our disagreement on narcissism."

"Well, thank goodness you did. Thank goodness for Hotch, period."

"Amen to that."

JJ stood and stretched, and started around the divider to her own desk.

"I need to get home. Will has a meeting tonight, so I've got solo duty with the boys."

He grinned at the very thought of his godsons.

"Want some backup?"

"If you're offering, yes. You can help Henry with his homework. I can't believe second grade math has gotten so complicated."

Having been assigned homework duty a few times in the recent past, Reid had a confession to make.

"Don't tell his teacher, but….I kind of teach him the old way, and then I teach him the new way…..and then I teach him my way."

She looked sideways across the divider. "He got 100 on his last test, you know."

Reid blew on his nails and buffed them on his shirt. Then he, too, stood, and started packing his messenger bag.

"You know, I've been thinking…"

She laughed. "When are you ever not?"

"Ha. No, seriously. I've been thinking. I mean, since we've both been here, we've lost Elle, and then Gideon, and Emily….twice."

She stiffened, as she always did, at his words. They'd long since put it behind them. But it hadn't disappeared. It would always be there, just over the horizon. Because it would always just 'be'.

"Sorry, it just came out." He hurried to continue his litany. "And then we lost Alex, and Kate…and I even lost you, for a while."

They both remembered that painful exit, the one she hadn't chosen.

"I lost you, too, then, Spence. It wasn't my choice."

His smile was wistful. "I know. And I would give anything…anything…if you hadn't had to go,and if….."

If all those horrific things hadn't happened to you, while you were gone.

Aloud, he continued. "And now, we've lost Hotch. And we don't even know if it was his choice or not."

She understood how he was feeling. "It's just the two of us left, now, from the beginning. Well, and Pen."

He nodded. "Yeah, it would be hard to imagine the team without her being back here, holding down the fort. But it's not the same."

Garcia hadn't shared all of those experiences with them in the field.

"I know," agreed JJ. "We were together for a pretty long time, I think considering the work we do. But that's just made it harder each time someone has left."

They'd both gathered their things, and were heading out of the bullpen.

"That's why I was thinking," said Reid. "The job is hard enough, when we're all together. But to lose people, one by one…."

"Death by a thousand cuts?"

"Something like that." He held the door for her, taking in the FBI insignia etched into the glass. "So, if you ever feel like you need to leave, or if I do…"

She hooked her arm through his. "I'm with you. If either of us leaves,..."

They spoke the final works in unison.

"We leave together."