Total Shuffled Pahkitew Island Chapter 1 - So, Uh This Is My Team?, a total drama series fanfic

Author's Note

To those of you returning for the sixth and final season of the 'Total Shuffled' series, welcome back! And to those of you just tuning in for the first time, hello! I imagine most of you know this already, but this is the direct sequel to Total Shuffled All-Stars. HOWEVER, because this season introduces a new cast and the ties to previous seasons are minimal, reading the rest of the series is NOT REQUIRED.

As I stated before, this is the final season I have planned for this series. Though I may decide to continue on at some point in the future, particularly if more seasons of Total Drama or The Ridonculous Race come out, for the time being please assume this is the beginning of the end for the Shuffled series. It's sad, I know, but writing this takes a lot of time that I seriously need to start spending on getting my life in order - I've been out of school and unemployed for over three years; this needs to be fixed if I am to have any kind of a future for myself.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with this series, here's how it works: Way, way back when Pahkitew Island was little more than silhouettes and storyboards, I came up with the idea for a new sort of Total Drama reboot where all the contestants (at the time) were randomly reassigned to different seasons. Twenty-two of them became the new cast for the first three seasons; another pair were given Alejandro and Sierra's canonical slots as newbies for World Tour; thirteen made up the second generation in season four, and the remaining 14 will debut today. While those who've been reading the previous seasons should already know who the cast is, I've decided that for the sake of making this season as friendly to new readers as possible I won't be naming them right now.

But safe to say that it's an interesting lot with a whole bunch of potential, more than I can probably get around to bringing out in thirteen episodes.

Regarding reviews, I must first apologize for not having replied to all of the ones posted for the All-Stars finale yet. I will do my best to keep working on answering those that I can over PM, so please bare with me. Also, as of today all Guest reviews for my stories will be moderated. This is because earlier today somebody decided to take it upon themselves to spam TSAS with reviews of little substance; these were greatly unappreciated and clearly meant to be spam, and thus I have deleted them. For my regular readers without accounts, I will still do my best to get your reviews approved in a timely manner, but keep in mind that I can't be awake and attentive all the time so there will usually be a delay before guest reviews show up.

The pairings I plan on using for the story will remain a secret until they are revealed. All I'll say right now is that neither of the main two will be straight. Any hints or suggestions at straight ships will likely be meant either as humor, or as a necessity of the situation. If you don't like this, then too bad

The update schedule should be about the same as it has been since season two - expect a chapter every Friday, usually in the evening (EST) but rarely in the afternoon.

Last but certainly not least, a TVTropes page exists for the series. I welcome all who wish to add to it to do so, and I greatly appreciate the work that has been put into it already.

Enough of that for now. It's time to kick off the final season of the Total Shuffled series, so without further ado enjoy the show.

- Fangren

Episode 1 – So, Uh This Is My Team?

A short drumroll led into a deep and grandiose anthem as the scene opened on a broken and grassy slope. "Welcome, Total Drama fans!" began Chris McLean, the handsome and stubble-chinned host standing up in front of the camera close enough to only show his upper body. "Put on some clean undies~," he said with a mischievous, almost singsong tone, "cause things are about to get wild! Ye-he-he-heah-hah!" he laughed deviously.

"Fourteen spanking fresh contestants, and a totally brand new location!" The familiar ticks of the series' capstone theme entered the background score as the camera began to rapidly zoom out. "A Cree island in western Canada!" The new island was shown in full: almost bowl-shaped, with several large, pine-covered hills curving up and outward to from high cliffs along most of the visible coastline, and a barren natural arch sticking out from the left side of the island. Only a small strip of beach was visible to the camera nestled between the rock formations jutting out along the coast, smaller along the shore but large enough further out to support grass or even trees. The sun was beating down from high above, and only a handful of clouds dotted the sky.

"As you might recall," Chris said as a bout of static transitioned the footage to a grainy film of Wawanakwa's final sink into the lake surrounding it, "during our Heroes vs Villains finale—" the clip was paused during the last mighty backsplash— "someone, and I prefer to remain nameless," the host stood up smugly in front of the paused scene to motion to himself before ducking back down, "accidentally destroyed our old island."

Another bout of static transitioned the scene to Chris walking to the left past a mossy, mushroom-ridden tree and a bed of blue flowers into a more open area. "So, this is where we landed. No shacks," he said, the capstone theme beginning in earnest as the shot cut to what appeared to be some flattened hilltop. To the right was the path leading in, a solitary wooden gateway standing over it flanked by a pair of tiki torches. Just past the gate was a familiar oil drum podium, and past that an unlit firepit. Further back were a variety of stones, stumps, and logs arranged into two rows of seats, and along the back edge of the hilltop were three tall posts with bulbous lights stringed between them. A grassy pathway lined with tiki torches began in the front of the area, and curved down and around to the left along the hillside.

"No showers," the host continued over a shot of a roaring waterfall somewhere next to a wooded hill. "No hotels," he added as the camera moved to a cave in the side of some rocky cliff near a few small ponds in the woods. "No hot tub," he finished over a a shot of another pool of water, this one set in a barren area with only a few scattered shrubs growing out of the rock. "The only things we managed to save," Chris said as the camera returned to him, "were the outhouse confessional," the shot cut to the outhouse, now set up at the edge of a clearing next to a rock and some trees, "and the horrific butt smells that live inside it." The outhouse door slammed open, revealing the chubby east Asian male intern holding a plunger inside it. He gasped for air, the collapsed face first onto the ground.

"It'll be the roughingest roughing it that's ever been roughed on Total Drama," Chris said as the focus cut back to him once more. "So, buckle up. This," the camera cut backward to show more of the clearing, "is Total! Drama!" Another jump back showed the small rocky beach. "Paaaaahkitew Island!" The final jump outward showed Pahkitew Island once more in all its glory.

xxx

(Fade to Opening Theme)

I wanna be! I wanna be! I wanna be famous! (Na-na nanananaa, nanana-nanaa, na-nananananaa)

(Fade to Episode)

xxx

The sound of engines filled the air as the episode opened on a small zeppelin emerging from the clouds. An image of Chris in full aviator gear was plastered to the tail fin, and the scene soon cut inside to show a swaying conical lamp hanging in front of a grubby wall.

A pan down and slightly to the left showed two girls sitting on stools under a small window. The one on the right was thick and muscular, a white-skinned young woman with a mole on her cheek wearing a blue sleeveless shirt and slightly darker shorts. Her black hair was pulled back into a tight ponytail, and her unibrow was perfectly level as her hazel eyes glared straight ahead. She was wearing earbuds, and the faint sound of heavy music was coming from them courtesy of the mp3 player in her lap. As she listened, she alternated reps with the small dumbbells she held in each hand.

The girl on the left was shorter, and her skin and features more reminiscent of someone from one of the First Nations. She was staring almost warily at the swaying light above them, dressed in a pale olive and purple sleeveless blouse of her as well as tight black pants. A necklace of purple beads and red feather earrings rounded out her ensemble, and she held a pack of gum in her hand.

She took a stick out of it, looked at the intimidating girl to her left, then turned the other way. "Want some gum?" she said in a light voice, offering the pack to the boy on her right.

He was a rather strange-looking boy, a short body and a thick neck that made him look almost log-shaped. His skin was a pallid white, his nose piggy, and his purple hair in a bowl cut. He wore what almost looked like a gray jumpsuit, and sat with his arms crossed and his eyes shut. He opened them just a moment to look at the girl's gum, and swiveled around to better face her. "Your offer of simple confectionery will not save you from the pure evil of me!" he replied in a haughty, nasally voice, his eyes turning red as he grinned darkly, raised his hands, and proclaimed his evil. Even the air above him seemed to turn dark, and a dramatic spike played in the background.

"But yes, thank you," he added, the light returning to normal and a pleasant tune playing as he sat straight up, plucked a stick of gum from the girl's pack, and tossed it into his mouth. She watched with a blank and silent stare as he rapidly chewed it, only to suddenly stop, cringe, and wheeze in pain. Clutching his chest with one hand, he coughed up the wad of gum into his hand and gave it a look of sheer hatred. "Cinnamon! There is no need for you to be that spicy!" he told it as the background music trilled ominously.

The shot cut to a more normal-looking boy, brown-skinned and black-haired. He wore a cyan vest over a pale yellow collared shirt, and laughed awkwardly. "That guy's a little weird," he said in a somewhat high and definitely nervous voice.

A hard punk theme started playing as another boy walked over to him, white-skinned and blue-eyed. He sported a green mohawk and a spiked dog collar, both his unibrow and his ears were pierced, and there was a skull on the black t-shirt he wore over a longer-sleeved pale yellow undershirt. "Hah! Yeah, talk about a major dork, am I right?" he said in a harsh tone. He laughed again, then pulled out a pocket knife and started carving something into the side of the crates the first boy was sitting on. "Dude never woulda lasted a day in juvie."

"Uh, I'll take your word for it?" the first boy said, warily looking away from the punk.

The camera pulled back as another girl walked past, her skin dark but more the brownish-orange color of a fake tan than anything natural. She sported large hoop earrings, bright blue eye liner, and thick magenta lipstick the same color as her midriff-baring tube top. Light teal capris and purple wedge sandals rounded out her outfit, but more noticeable was the can of hairspray she was busily applying to the pouf of her long brown hair. She left a thick cloud of spray in her wake, which sent both boys into coughing fits as she passed them by.

"Excuse me, could you do that somewhere else?" the brown-skinned boy asked, the punk simply glaring at the girl as she walked on obliviously. "Thank you!" he added despite her lack of reaction, the camera pulling back to show three more people that the hairspray girl was walking past.

First was another white boy, dressed in the olive green, cargo shorts, and combat boots of a soldier out of uniform. He was doing push-ups in the middles of the floor, his dog tags dangling around his neck and his unibrow furrowed in concentration. "Ninety-nine...one hundred!" he said in a tough, almost commanding voice as a military drumline played. He wiped the sweat from his brow as he sat up onto his knees, but in doing so put himself directly into a lingering cloud of hairspray. He gagged, choked, and collapsed with a thud onto his face with his butt sticking up in the air.

The cloud of hairspray dissipated as the camera zoomed in on the two girls who had been watching the soldier from another pair of stools along the wall. Both looked vaguely southeast Asian, though the one on the left was skinny and dark-skinned while the one on the right was fat and fair. The girls were dressed identically, in hot pink short-shorts and wedge sandals and lipstick, black-and-white striped shoulderless midriff-baring blouses, and dark hair in pigtails.

"Oh my gosh, is he okay?" the skinny one asked, clutching hands with the fat one. Both girls were looking towards the fallen soldier with concern.

"I hope so," the fat one said, her voice lighter. "That was so unfair what happened to him."

"Do you think we should help him?" the skinny one asked in a low whisper, the camera cutting closer to the two girls' faces.

"Nah," the fat one replied with a shake of her head. "I wanna keep looking at his butt." Both girls launched into a flurry of giggling that was only stopped when a hiss, followed by another cloud of hairspray, came from off-screen.

"Umm, could you, like, stop that?" the skinny one asked, both girls glaring indignantly to the left as the camera panned over to show the hairspray girl once again spraying her hair.

"Huh?" she said, finishing up and stowing the aerosol can inside her hair. "What, can't a girl do a little touch-up?" she asked in a thick Jersey accent, looking over the identically-dressed girls. "Though the two of you would need way more than that..."

Before the other girls could reply, however, all three were distracted by a very large white boy running past, with a mop of blonde hair and a teal maple leaf on the chest of his white shirt. "AAAAAAHHH! I hate flying!" he screamed in terror, the footage skipping ahead to him running up to what looked like the far right corner of the room. "Somebody get me offa this thi-hi-hing!"

He continued to run around screaming with his arms in the air, visibly irritating the east Asian girl who was sitting on the crates in the corner. Tall and slender with long black hair nearly to her waist, she wore only olive short-shorts, a cropped dark pink halter top, and sandals. Her legs were crossed, and she was filing her nails. "Umm, excuse me," she asked in the demanding tone of one used to getting whatever she wanted, "could you take your little freak-out somewhere else? You're bugging me."

"I'd love to but I'm trapped in a flying machine!" the fat boy yelled, gripping his hair in panic before running around and screaming again.

The girl grunted in disgust, slid down off the crate, then stuck her leg out in the fat guy's path as he passed by again, causing him to trip and slam face-first into the ground in front of a door. She smirked devilishly as he groaned in pain.

"Hey, what was that for?" came the annoyed voice of another girl, the camera panning slightly to the left to show a large black girl approaching. She bore a beauty mark on her cheek and large hoop earrings in her ears, her long hair was pulled back into a thick ponytail, and there were kumquats on her dark cream t-shirt. "The guy's clearly just afraid of flyin'," she said, gesturing towards the fat boy's twitching legs, "no reason to make it worse for him."

"Hmmph," the Asian girl said, sitting back down on her crate. "No reason for him to make it worse for us either," she retorted with a clever smirk.

"Oh, you think you're so good, don'tcha?" the black girl replied accusingly. "You think you're hot stuff," she continued, the camera panning to the left away from the budding argument and on to two more boys.

The one on the right was a hulking white boy with red hair and freckles, wearing overalls over a plain white t-shirt. The one on the left was thinner, with light brown skin and spiky black hair that stood almost straight up. His outfit was a simple one as well, jeans and a teal shirt over a longer-sleeved cream undershirt. Both were looking in the direction of the girls, the spiky-haired boy looking anxious while the larger boy smiled.

"Wow, that girl has a really big butt, huh?" the larger boy whispered in a deep voice to the spiky-haired boy, revealing the gap in his teeth.

"Uhh, yeah, I guess so," the spiky-haired boy replied uncertainly, also showing off a gap in his teeth.

The music suddenly turned dramatic, and lightning flashed outside earning a gasp from both boys. The scene moved back outside to show the zeppelin heading into some storm clouds, lightning flashing a few more times before the shot cut to the bridge. Chef Hatchet was there manning the wheel in his old pilot's uniform from season three, a nervous expression on his face. He grabbed the transmitter of the broadcasting system mounted over his head, and the shot cut to a loudspeaker as a red light next to it began to flash and buzz. "Hang on!" Chef announced. "This might get hairy!"

The ship began to shake, screws and panels and other parts raining down from the ceiling as the background music became ominous. The First Nations girl was shown gripping her seat tensely as the gray boy clung to his own with hand and knee; the cut next to the soldier, punk, and normal-looking boy standing and looking around nervously; then the hulking redhead watching the spiky-haired boy struggle to stay seated as the zeppelin shook; the fat boy screaming "We're all gonna die!" as the black girl and the Asian girl looked around in panic; and the two identically-dressed girls clinging to each other as they shrieked in fear, the hairspray girl futilely raising her hands to shield her hair from the bits of metal that were bouncing off it with almost comical dings.

Lightning seemed to flash inside the room itself, and with a dramatic riff Chris McLean appeared to the left near the door to the cockpit as if out of thin air. "Hello, newbies," he greeted. "Ready for some fun?"

The two identically-dressed girls darted over to him excitedly. "Ooh, yes!" the skinny one said.

"Totally!" The fat one added, and the two began a high-pitched squeal that took the host off-guard.

"Huh, a coupla keeners," he said, putting his fingers in his ears until they stopped. "I'm sure a little pain and starvation will fix that," he added as he walked off to the right.

He stopped by a doorway located between the gray boy and the normal-looking boy. "Let's get started," he said, the launching into a low theme of exposition. "This aircraft stinks. And is equipped with two emergency exits," he raised a finger on each hand, "here, and at the end of the cabin." He pointed first at the door behind him, and then towards the right. The camera quick-panned over to show the black girl and Asian girl still standing idly by the other door.

"At said exits," Chris continued as the shot returned to him, "you will find parachute packs," he knocked on the crate the normal-looking boy had been sitting on. "Only half of them contain actual parachutes. The other half contain surprises," the music rose up ominously, "that will be utterly useless while falling from the sky."

"Well," the First Nations girl spoke up, "hopefully we won't need them."

'Chris shrugged. "Who knows. This season is full of surprises. Like this!" With a wide smile he took out his remote control and pressed the button, and the camera cut to one of the engines outside as a small box attached to it blinked and beeped and exploded, destroying the engine.

Screams uttered forth from the zeppelin as it was shown going into a nose dive with smoke trailing from the blown engine, and the shot cut back inside to show the campers running and screaming around the cabin as tense challenge music began to play. A close-up showed one of the crates being opened by what looked like the hulking redhead, who along with the muscular girl grabbed a parachute pack out of it. Moments later, the gray boy, the spiky-haired boy, and the fat half of the identically-dressed girls followed suit. Then the muscular girl was shown calmly slipping on her pack, the gray boy ran past holding his and screaming, then the spiky-haired boy, thin half of the identically-dressed girls, and the punk all put theirs on as well.

The shot cut to the rear exit as the muscular girl roared "Move it!" and threw the gray boy out the open door while he was still buckling his pack, then jumped out herself. The normal-looking boy followed after, then the shot cut to the side exit as the First Nations girl ran screaming along the stools before diving out the other open door.

The soldier, a pack on his back and an extra in his hands, ran up to where Chris was still standing by the side exit. "While I do not agree with your methods," he scolded the host, "I cannot leave a man behind in a crashing airship. Your parachute, sir," he said, holding the extra pack out to the smiling host.

"Oh, no thank you," Chris replied with a light wave of dismissal, "I'm actually a hologram."

"What?!" Chef exclaimed in shock as he ran over from the left. "Why ain't I a hologram?" He poked a finger at Chris, then gasped as it went through his head causing the man's entire body to flicker like a grainy television image. "Abandon ship!" he yelled, gripping the sides of his head in panic. He ran straight through the host and grabbed the extra parachute pack from the soldier, then fell backward out the emergency exit. The soldier fired off a sharp salute to Chris before diving out as well.

The camera cut far below the diving zeppelin, looking up as several contestants fell screaming past – the hairspray girl, the Asian girl, the punk, the spiky-haired boy, the hulking redhead, the two identically-dressed girls, the soldiers, and even Chef.

Then the shot shifted, the camera now falling alongside the punk. "Oh man," he told himself as the two identically-dressed girls fell into view behind him clinging fearfully to each other, "this would be so awesome if I didn't have a 50-50 chance of dying right now." The punk pulled the cord on his pack, deploying a parachute that quickly slowed him down out of the range of the camera. It quickly refocused on the two girls clinging to one another.

"Okay," the skinny one said, both girls' eyes clenched shut as they grabbed the cords on their packs, "three!"

"Two!" the fat one replied.

"One!" the skinny one said in rising panic.

"PULL!" they yelled together, pulling their cords. From the skinny girl's pack came a host of hot dogs, and from the fat girl's pack a collection of ribbons and bows in a variety of colors and styles.

"...hot dogs?" the skinny girl asked in confusion and disbelief, looking up at the hot dogs floating away from her while her partner squealed in delight and grabbed as many of the ribbons and bows as she could.

"Ooh, look what I got!" she told her friend.

"Hey, why do you get to have the good stuff?" the skinny girl asked angrily, trying to pull some of the ribbons and bows out of the fat girl's hands.

"Because they were in my pack," the fat girl replied indignantly, pulling the items back.

"We're about to die, you should share!" the skinny girl retorted, pulling the mass back towards her.

The fat girl's anger dropped away and she blinked. "Oh, good point!" she said happily, allowing her friend to take some of the bows and ribbons from her.

Then they looked down blankly, screamed, and grabbed each other again letting the bows and ribbons fly away.

A quick-pan up put the focus on the fat boy, screaming even as he pulled his cord and deployed his parachute. The moment he stopped falling as quickly and turned upright he opened his eyes, looked around, and laughed. "Haha, hey, it's not so bad up here!" he said happily. "Sure could use some pizza though. No wait," he gasped in sudden realization, "chips and some dip!"

It was then that the hot dogs floated up to him, and he quickly grabbed one in each hand as they passed by. "Haha, or hot dogs, hot dogs are good too," he said before stuffing both sausages into his mouth at once.

The shot cut to the First Nations girl next, who opened her parachute and freed a pair of screeching cats. "Purr-fect," she punned with wide, frightful eyes before the camera panned left onto the black girl.

"C'mon, don't be somethin' stupid!" she said before pulling her cord, revealing the parachute within. "Woo! Oh yeah, baby!" she cheered, launching into an odd booty-thrusting, fist-pumping, leg-kicking mid-air dance that led her to accidentally kicking the normal-looking boy in the head as he fell past screaming.

"Oww...," he groaned, rubbing his face in pain. With another groan he pulled his cord, only for a flurry of feathers to fly out and up. "Yyyup. Feathers. I get it. Funny," he said resignedly.

He fell out of sight, and the camera moved onto the hairspray girl as she pulled her cord to reveal a parachute. "Hah!" she barked out joyfully, shaking a fist upwards and yelling "Oh yeah, take that ya lousy mook!"

The shot moved to the spiky-haired boy next, who pulled his cord only for a teddy bear wearing a smaller, teddy bear-sized parachute to float out. "Oh, for the love of-!" he exclaimed in extreme annoyance. "Of all the-!"

Before he could continue, though, he suddenly inhaled sharply and his eyes briefly lost focus. As he let the breath out he closed one eye, curled his lips inward, put a hand on his lower back, then shook his right fist upwards. "Gosh darnit!" he exclaimed in a grumpier, elderly-sounding voice. "Back in my day they'd at least give ya an anvil to help ya fall faster!"

A pan to his right showed Chef, who pulled his cord only to release several steaks, cheese wedges, and chef's hats. "Oh, that's just wrong," he said with narrow-eyed annoyance.

The shot cut to the massive redhead next, who excitedly exclaimed "Alright!" upon opening the parachute in his pack.

Then came a cut to the muscular girl, who calmly pulled on her cord only to watch in shock as her pack opened to release a small flock of doves who promptly flew off. "Seriously?! SERIOUSLY?!" she roared, exploding in anger. "Yeah, you better fly away if you know what's good for you!" she yelled after the birds.

Next was the Asian girl, who pulled her cord and released a parachute. "Hah! Yes! Looks like I get to live to see another day," she said smugly.

The camera then panned to the soldier, who took a deep breath and grabbed his cord. "Alright cadet, remember your training," he told himself. He took another breath, pulled, and gaped in shock as a variety of colorfully patterned boxer shorts were released from the pack. He whimpered in sudden panic. "Now what? Training didn't cover this!"

He fell past a parachute that was quickly revealed to be attached to the punk, who reached out and grabbed the soldier by the leg. "Hey, thanks!" the soldier said graciously.

The punk snorted. "Don't look too much into this, Soldier Boy, I'm as bad as they come." The camera panned to the right as the normal-looking boy fell crying down to their level, and the punk quickly grabbed him by the pack.

"Wh-what? I'm saved!" the boy said, opening his eyes and looking around with joy as the punk rolled his eyes.

The eyes of all three boys widened in shock as the spiky-haired 'old man', the two identically-dressed girls, and Chef all fell past the front of them.

"And here they come now," Chris told the camera as it cut to him and he lowered the binoculars he was holding. The shot cut outward to show him standing on the beach, watching as the spiky-haired 'old man', the two identically-dressed girls, and Chef all fell screaming into various parts of the water around that part of the beach. He turned to the other side and the camera panned to follow, showing the soldier, punk, and normal-looking boy landing on the sand nearby.

Next to land was the fat boy, who giggled giddily as he touched down next to a large rock. "Biscuits and gravy that was close," he said as a triumphant tune played, wiping his forehead and laughing some more. "Hey, did the rest of those hot dogs land yet?" he asked, looking around.

It was then that the hairspray girl slammed into him, knocking him to the ground face-first. "Whoops, sorry big guy," she apologized, taking out the can out of her pouf and giving her hair a quick spray. "I just didn't wanna risk landing somewhere hard, I mean look at me," she said, making a sweeping motion from her hair to her hips.

"I'm okay," the fat guy mumbled, raising a a thumbs up.

The tense challenge tune resumed as the shot cut to the First Nations girl scowling in determination as she fell alongside a tree, then slid off a branch and somersaulted back into the air. The shot cut to her landing in the water, and she quickly surfaced with a relieved "Woo!"

The camera panned back to the beach as the Asian girl and black girl landed next to each other and immediately exchanged a sharp glare before being distracted by the hulking redhead landing next to them, burying himself up to his knees in the sand due to the impact.

And lastly was the muscular girl without a parachute, who landed in front of the other two girls on the beach with her knees slightly bent and her arms raised to shield her head. She rolled as she hit the sand, kicking up a moderately-sized cloud but coming out of it on her hands and knees to the shock of all in sight. She grunted in annoyance as she stood up next to a gaping Chris, then brushed the sand off her body.

The host turned to the left as Chef walked up to him, with cuts on his neck and a chunk of his left cuff missing. "You could've at least given me one of the parachutes," he angrily told Chris.

"Shoulda, coulda, oops! Didn't," Chris replied impishly. "But, you're right, and I forgive you," he added to his assistant's mild annoyance. "Let's see...," the host said, turning back to the right and rubbing his stubble. He started mumbling numbers under his breath, pointing around the beach and then to a clipboard in his hand. "Huh," he said, "only one missing. Not so bad!"

The shot cut to a parachute tangled in the branch of a tree, the camera slowly zooming out to reveal the gray boy hanging from it. "If you do not release me, tree," he threatened as he pulled on the strings of his parachute, "you will be burnt to the-" he suddenly started falling- "GROOOUUUND!"

He landed with a thud and a cloud of dust.

The scene flashed to the blazing sun, Chris saying "Welcome to Pahkitew Island!" as the camera panned back down to the beach. The cast was now lined up, the campers divided into two groups with Chris and Chef standing in the middle. "On the right, everyone who had actual parachutes," the host continued, motioning to the line of teens to the camera's right.

At the far right was the hairspray girl, the punk right next to her. "Anne Maria, Duncan," the host listed off, each smiling as their name was called. "Rodney, Owen," he continued as the camera panned left and up onto the hulking redhead and the fat boy, "Max," the shot panned back down as it headed leftward onto the gray boy, "Leshawna, and Heather." Last in line were the black girl and the east Asian girls, who were currently glaring at each other.

"Uhh, excuse me," Leshawna spoke up, "but do I seriously gotta be on the same team as this uptight spoiled little Daddy's girl?" she asked, gesturing to Heather.

The Queen Bee scowled at her, then closed her eyes and took a breath. "Sorry," she told The Sista With 'Tude, extending a hand and smiling almost sweetly. "I think we got off to the wrong foot on the blimp."

"Zeppelin," Chris corrected.

"Whatever," Heather said, briefly shooting a glare at the host before turning a smile back to Leshawna. "The point is, I'm sorry about the way I've been acting. How about we start fresh?"

Leshawna narrowed her eyes in suspicion. "You for real?"

"Totally," Heather replied.

"...okay then," Leshawna said with a small smile of her own, shaking the other girl's hand.

xxx

"Hah!" Heather barked out a laugh in the first confessional of the season, the outhouse's interior the same as it had always been – grimy, with a few signs of the damage it had been dealt over the seasons. "As if. The only reason I'm gonna try to be nice to these losers is because villains pretty much never win this show. I'm not serious about it, not like they need to know."

xxx

"Yeah, that girl is so tryin' to play us," Leshawna told the outhouse camera, her arms crossed and her eyes glaring. She snorted and looked to the side. "But hey, I ain't gonna be the one to start trouble. She can do that herself."

xxx

"Your team will be," Chris read from a note card, "the...Pimâpotew Kinosewak," he pronounced awkwardly. "Which is Cree for 'Soaring Eagles'!" As he announced the name's meaning, a circular logo spun towards the screen against an orange and gold starburst pattern, stopping with a light gong. The disc was colored a light purple and bore the image of a bald eagle with its wings outstretched.

"Umm, no, sorry, wrong," the First Nations girl interrupted, prompting the camera to cut to her on the other side of the host. "That means the 'Floating Salmon'."

"Oh...," Chris said, looking back at his notes. He laughed. "Then I guess you're the Floating Salmon," he told the first team, a dull and disappointed tune playing as the shot returned to their initial logo, which was slammed out of the way by a similar disc. This was one colored green, and bore the image of a flopping salmon that was looking right at the camera.

"Those without chutes," the host continued, looking at his card again as he addressed the second team. "Katie, Sadie," he said as the shot cut to the two identically-dressed girls at the far left, with the skinnier one on the end. Next to them was the no-longer-elderly spiky-haired boy, and the camera panned rightward to focus on him as well as the normal-looking boy. "Mike, Dave," the host called off, both perking up at the sound of their names then glancing at one another. "Brick, Sky," the camera panned next to the solider who snapped off a salute, as well as the First Nations girl who merely smiled. "And Eva," he finished, the camera moving to the muscular girl on the end of the line.

"Your team is, the Waneyihtam Maskwak!" the shot cut outward as he fumbled the pronunciation of the second team's name. "Which in Cree means the 'Ferocious Ti'-"

"The 'Confused Bears'?" Sky corrected again.

Another circular logo spun towards the screen against the same orange and gold backdrop. It was colored a pale pink, and the picture on the front was of a rather appropriately confused bear, complete with a question mark by its head.

Chris tore apart his note card with an angry glare. "This is what you get for using a free online translator," he scolded Chef.

"My bad," the hulking man sniffed uncaringly before walking away.

"Anywho," Chris continued with his usual fake smile, "seeing as there's nowhere for any of you to sleep tonight, we figured your first challenge should be...to build your own shelter!"

As he walked away the camera panned over to Team Maskwak, focusing in on Katie and Sadie in particular. "Oh my gosh, we have to build our own shelter?!" The Skinny BFFFL said. "So we're like, camping?"

"Oh yeah, you totally didn't do so well when we went camping two years ago," The Fat BFFFL replied. "You ended up using poison ivy as toilet paper, and your butt was all itchy for like, two hours."

"Sadie!" Katie said, blushing furiously. She glanced to the side, and the camera panned over to show Mike watching with an eyebrow raised in confusion. "Don't forget that you did that too!" Katie told her friend in a scolding tone as Mike cringed in disgust.

"Oh yeah, I remember," Sadie said, her expression becoming almost haunted. "I thought I was gonna die because it itched so much. And then when we tried to soak our butts in water we both got leeches in-"

A sharp whistle from off-screen cut her off. "Hey! TMI Twins!" Chris called out irritably, the camera quick-panning up and to the right to show the host standing high atop a large mountain of assorted trash and rubble. "Yeah! I was talking!" A light drumroll shifted the music into a typical expository theme as the camera zoomed out, revealing the full size of the junk pile as the fourteen campers walked over to it.

"Each team may take supplies from the common area before they begin to build," Chris continued. Shifting back into his usual demeanor and motioning to the rubble below his feet. "But, these supplies are guarded by Chef." The shot cut to a close-up of the large man's smirking face. "Armed, with a powerful tennis ball blaster." Zooming out, the camera revealed the large tripod-mounted gatling gun that Chef was standing at, a glass tank filled with tennis balls at the top of it. The entire set up was located at the top of a short rocky plateau.

The host jumped to the ground, landing next to Max, Owen, and Anne Maria of Team Kinosewak. "A glancing blow will sting," he said before the shot cut to Dave getting hit in the forehead with a tennis ball.

"Oww!" The 'Nice' Guy yelped, bending over and rubbing his forehead in pain. The camera panned to the right to show Sky gasping in concern, and Dave straightened up and looked away defiantly. "That...only hurt a little," he said.

Eva, standing between Dave and Sky, grunted and rolled her eyes.

"And a direct hit," Chris continued, "can take you right to the ground." The camera panned to the left as Max was shot in the hip, knocking him to the ground as Owen gasped. The Super-Villain landed awkwardly on his side, and whined nasally in pain. "Will someone please help that little boy to his feet?" Chris asked, a dramatic riff playing as the camera panned to the left and Rodney picked Max back up with one hand.

Max fell back to the ground as soon as The Country Boy let go, whimpering upon landing.

"Good enough," Chris said with an uncaring shrug. "On with the challenge!" The shot cut back a ways to show both teams watching him warily, their team logos briefly appearing above them. "Team Maskwak will build their shelter further inland," the host said, directing the campers' attention to the left. "Team Kinosewak, towards the beach," he added with a gesture to the right. "Best shelter, according to me," he added, motioning to himself in close-up, "wins the challenge." He took out his signature red airhorn and blew it. "Be-gin!"

A fast-paced challenge tune immediately began to play as Chef opened fire, his stream of tennis balls sweeping first towards Team Maskwak. The seven of them screamed, but Sky quickly took action. "Bears, follow me!" The Athlete said as she charged off to the left, motioning for her teammates to follow.

"Move, move, move!" Brick added, waving each of his teammates past under hail of tennis balls. Once they'd all passed, The Cadet ran after them with his arms shielding his head.

"Get moving people, before we're the Dead Salmons!" Heather commanded as the shot cut to her leading Team Kinosewak to the right, Rodney picking Max up off the ground as he ran.

The music cut out as the footage skipped to Team Kinosewak rising up from behind two large stumps at the edge of the woods.

"Listen up. We-" Rodney began to say.

"Okay, this is what-" Heather began to say.

Both behind the leftmost stump with Duncan, the two looked at one another.

"We should grab-" Rodney continued.

"We're gonna start-" Heather continued.

A few hollow, wooden beats played and the camera zoomed in on the pair of them.

"What do you think you're doing?" Rodney asked.

"Uhh, hello, listen to me here!" Heather demanded.

xxx

"On the farm," Rodney explained, beginning to count off on his fingers, "it's just me, my Dad, and my five little brothers." He folded his arms and smiled proudly. "I'm kinda used to being in charge."

xxx

"Uggh, who does that meathead think he is?" Heather complained to the outhouse camera. She huffed, and crossed her arms. "Great. Here I was hoping I'd only have to deal with one nuisance who won't fall in line."

xxx

Heather took a breath, then smiled at Rodney. "Okay, how about we do it like this," she said sweetly. The shot cut to the farm boy's close-up, a sweet and lilting tune playing as the background turned pink and his expression turned doe-eyed. "We'll listen to my plan first, then your plan." The shot cut to a close-up of the Queen Bee, surrounded by a border of flowers and ribbon-holding cherubs as the light turned pink. "Then we'll vote on which one's better, got it?"

xxx

"We'll do it her way," Rodney said dreamily, lounging on the toilet with his boots pressed up against the left wall and his back leaning against the right. "It's never wrong to let love be your guide..."

xxx

"We grab the best and biggest wood first, then everything else second," Heather said as Rodney stared at her dreamily. "What's your idea?"

The sweet, lilting tune began to play again as Rodney replied. "My idea is...flowers...you plan good...like not sunsets like you..." he mumbled dreamily as Heather scrunched up her face in confusion and disbelief, while Duncan and Owen gave the boy strange looks from the sides of the shot. Rodney puckered up as if to kiss Heather, causing her to recoil in sudden alarm.

The music shifted back into something intense and dramatic as the shot cut to Team Maskwak taking cover from the continuous volley of tennis balls behind some large rocks. Katie, Sadie, Mike, and Eva were shown crouching behind one formation with varying levels of fright, then the camera panned right onto Brick, Sky, and Dave.

"One pass each," Sky said, looking to her right at the others. "Grab something good and make your way to-"

"Yeah!" Dave interrupted, raising his arms enthusiastically to Brick and Sky's confusion. "She's totally right, good call. I...have some dirt on my hands," he said, looking at his hands with mild panic before waving them with attempted nonchalance, "but no big deal! Let's...do what she says!"

"Affirmative!" Brick replied, snapping off a salute before Sky could respond.

"Alright, so since Rodney didn't really have a plan," Heather said as the scene cut back to the Salmons, "we'll just have to go with my idea. So...everybody go get some wood," she commanded, pointing out towards the junk pile.

Duncan scoffed. "Uhh, sorry Sweet Cheeks but I don't take orders from you," The Delinquent said. "I don't take orders from anybody."

"Excuse me?" Heather countered. "This team needs leadership if we wanna win!"

"Maybe for the building part," Duncan countered, "but this is just dash and grab. It's easy as pie!"

Owen giggled as the camera panned to the right, but it was Anne Maria who spoke up next. "Yeah, I gotta agree with the mohawk," The Jersey Girl said. "I don't see why we gotta listen to you right now. Besides, I ain't goin' out there with all these balls flyin' around," she said, ducking as another tennis ball sailed over her hair. "What if I get hit?"

Heather groaned in annoyance, and pinched the bridge of her nose. "Would somebody please go out and get some wood already?" she asked her team.

"Fine...," Leshawna relented, standing up and walking out from cover.

Heather smiled slyly, then noticed Rodney still staring at her dreamily. She gave him an odd look, then said "Rodney...would you mind going out with Leshawna to get some wood for me?"

"Perfect is you heart of all that is tree..." he mumbled as he stood up and walked back out to the left as well. Once he passed by Heather, an almost ominous tune played as a devilish grin formed on her face.

The challenge music resumed as the shot cut to a close-up of Eva's feet as she ran along the ground, tennis balls falling around her. The camera zoomed out to show The Iron Woman charging forward with her arms raised in front of her like a shield, the tennis balls bouncing off them without apparent effect. She took a step off a small boulder, and the angle shifted to show her somersaulting against the sun before she landed next to the junk pile.

She grabbed a large steel door lying on the edge, hoisted it onto her back with a grunt, and ran back to the left with the balls bouncing off it harmlessly.

"Wow! Go Eva!" Sky cheered excitedly as the shot cut back to the other Bears still behind cover, all looking impressed.

xxx

"Yeah, I've been lifting weights since I was eight and doing stunt work in action movies since I was twelve," Eva confessed gruffly. "Apparently I'm a natural at it or something."

xxx

"Yo big guy!" Leshawna said as the static cut away to her standing next to a wheelbarrow holding up a plank to shield herself from the stream of tennis balls being fired at her. "Let's make our lives easier and use the wheelbarrow, okay?"

"Fine with me!" Rodney replied as he ran in from the left with an armful of wooden planks and beams. He dumped them into the wheelbarrow, then lifted its handles and ran forward scooping up Leshawna along the way.

The shot cut back to the remaining five members of Team Kinosewak. "Okay, which one of you tough guys is up to going next?" Heather asked with sly looks to Duncan, Owen, and Max.

"Ooh, I'll go!" The Positive Guy volunteered, raising his hand enthusiastically before running out into the common area with a giggle.

And then a cry of "Oww! Oww! Oww!" from off-screen as Owen's massive frame was struck by tennis balls.

xxx

"Those tennis balls hurt way more than I thought they would," Owen confessed, covered in tennis ball-shaped bruises. "I thought my fat would act as a cushion!" he added, grabbing some of his stomach fat and shaking it a bit.

xxx

"Okay," Dave said as the focus moved to him hiding behind the rocks alone, "gotta say I'm pretty impressed by the really scary strong girl."

"Yeah, me too," Mike said as he crept over. "Say, uh, if any of you guys happen to find a fedora in the pile," he asked, the camera pulling back to show the rest of his teammates as he looked around at them, "you mind grabbing it for me?"

Dave gave The Introspective a strange look. "Uhh...how is a hat gonna help us with anything?" he asked.

Mike rubbed the back of his head awkwardly. "It, uh, it'll...help me get in the right frame of mind?" he replied with a sheepish smile and laugh that only seemed to confuse Dave.

The shot cut to the rocky plateau as a sharp riff played and a shower of sparks exploded out of the side of Chef's tennis ball turret. "Aww man, stupid piece of junk," Chef muttered in annoyance as Chris looked on. "Chris, man, where'd you even get this thing anyway?"

"The usual place," the host answered with a shrug.

"Pfft, you gotta stop buyin' stuff from garage sales," Chef said, turning his attention back to the turret.

"Hey, it worked just fine until you started using it," Chris countered as his assistant jostled the gun.

"Yeah, for the first time since you bought it," Chef replied.

Chris rolled his eyes. "Whatever," he said before turning a smile to the camera. "Building supplies are being collected," he said as the capstone theme started playing. "Team Kinosewak is doing a very wood job! But Team Maskwak keeps coming back for door. You don't wanna miss any of this here, on Total! Drama! Paaaaaahkitew Island!"

(Fade to Commercial and Back)

A loud, sharp note resumed the episode, Chris popping up in front of the camera with a hearty "We're back! The players are moving," the music shifted into something electronic and almost awestruck, "Chef is shooting, pick your favorite team and start a-rooting!"

The camera pulled back to reveal him and Chef still standing on the rocky plateau. "You are shooting, right?" the host whispered, shielding his mouth with a hand and leaning towards his assistant.

"Hold on just a minute," Chef said gruffly as he shook the gatling gun vigorously. He then slapped the side of it causing it to fire off a single tennis ball. "Yup, I'm firin' again," he said with a dark smile.

The shot cut back to the base of the junk pile as Duncan, a coil of rope hanging from his shoulder, picked up a plank of wood. He looked up just as the music spiked dramatically, and with a gasped "Whoa!" he jumped away from the round of tennis balls shot his way. "Hah! It'll take a lot more than that to keep me down!" he laughed as he ran back off to the right.

Mike then entered the scene from the left, immediately looking wary as he dodged and danced around the next stream of tennis balls. "Okay, maybe I picked a bad time to come out here," he said nervously. "No big deal, just gotta grab something good and go back," he continued as he quickly looked around. "I can do this...," he said before another round of tennis balls shot past him, causing to yelp and try to dodge them, his breathing becoming heavier and heavier by the second.

It ended with one sharp inhalation, his eyes losing focus before abruptly snapping back forward with a somewhat different-looking irises. "No!" he declared in a fairly good Russian accent, his voice taking on a feminine aspect to accompany what almost looked like fuller lips and longer eyelashes. "Only vone person can do dis," he declared, raising his arms high, easily dodging the next round of balls, and kicking a large board into the air as a heroic tune played. "Svetlana, ze Olympic Queen of gymnastics!" She spun around, then leaped gracefully into the air as the board she'd kicked up landed on an angle atop a barrel.

xxx

Mike opened the confessional with a deep sigh. "Okay, I admit it," he told the camera, "I have Dissociative Identity Disorder. It, er, used to be called Multiple Personality Disorder until awhile ago," he added bashfully, hanging his head. "I came on the show to prove that I can still live my own life with the disorder, but the truth is I can't really control all my alters. I really don't know how I'm gonna tell my teammates..."

xxx

The heroic tune resumed itself as the scene cut back to The Russian Gymnast leaping with a mid-air somersault onto the pile, landing in a handstand on top of a fancy red-and-gold couch. "Dah!" she exclaimed, launching herself into another mid-air spin, landing hard on the couch and causing it – and several pieces of sheet metal – to slide off the pile and land on the low end of the makeshift seesaw below. "Ha-hah!" she added, backflipping off the couch and landing on the raised end of the seesaw, launching the couch and the metal into the air.

It landed next to the remaining members of Team Maskwak, who had come out from behind their cover. "That was amazing!" Brick exclaimed in delight.

"Yeah!" Katie and Sadie added together.

"H...how did you do that?" Sky asked in shock as Svetlana landed in front of them with a proud, warbling cry.

"It was easy," Svetlana replied. "Any Olympian like Svetlana could do it."

Dave raised an eyebrow in confusion. "Svetlana? I thought your name was Mike?"

The alter sniffed haughtily and crossed her arms. "Svetlana is Svetlana. Mike is Mike."

"What? That doesn't make any sense!" Dave exclaimed.

"It doesn't matter," Sky interjected with an annoyed huff. "You guys carry that stuff out of the way, I'm going next," she said.

"You heard her, Svetlana," Brick said as he rushed over to the gymnast, who was still standing next to the things she'd acquired.

With a bored look Svetlana yawned, then inhaled sharply and shifted back into Mike. "Uh, what's...going on?" Mike asked, looking around in confusion as Brick grabbed some of the sheet metal lying around.

"Weren't you listening?" the cadet replied with a confused look of his own. "Sky asked us to move this stuff out of the way."

Mike stiffened. "O-oh, right," he said nervously before grabbing the rest of the sheet metal and running off with Brick.

As they passed Sky, the camera zoomed in on the suspicious look she was giving Mike. She quickly took a deep breath, however, and tense challenge music started playing as she ran off to the right. She easily rolled through the stream of tennis ball shot her way without getting hit, then sprung up onto the pile. She quickly fished what looked like a tool box of some sort out of it, then flipped onto a large piece of wooden fencing just as another round of balls flew her way. She rode the fence down the pile like a surfboard, sliding all the way back to her team with the toolbox still in hand.

"How was that?" she asked with a competitive smirk.

"That was awesome!" Dave exclaimed while Eva grunted in approval.

The footage flashed ahead to Katie and Sadie frantically searching through the junk pile. "Oh my gosh, Sadie, this is so gross," the thin one said.

"So gross," the fat one repeated. "But hey, maybe there's something cute buried under all this crud!" she added hopefully.

Katie suddenly gasped. "There totally is, look!" she said, pulling out a bucket of what looked like pink glitter.

"Oh my gosh, that's so great!" Sadie said, and the two let loose a high-pitched squeal of delight.

Then they were both hit in the head with tennis balls, Sadie first and then Katie. Both girls fell over with odd, stunned looks on their faces, and the glitter spilled out of their bucket.

The shot cut to Chris and Chef laughing raucously and sharing a high-five.

Another cut showed Anne Maria standing impatiently at the edge of the pile as various small items were tossed out of it by some unseen person. "Okay, why did I agree to do this again?" she said in annoyance, ducking under a brick tossed unwittingly at her and, unintentionally, a tennis ball coming from the other direction.

"Because a genius like me can hardly be expected to come out here without a minion to take hits for him," Max said, leaning out from the pile to give her a scathing look.

"Uh, who are you callin' a minion, ya little pipsqueak?" Anne Maria replied angrily.

"You of course," Max replied with a haughty sniff, "though you aren't doing a very good job of it. Now tell me, which of these items is more e-vil?" he asked, holding out a small tape recorder and a teddy bear.

"Evil?!" Anne Maria replied in annoyance. "Who cares about evil, we're buildin' a shelter here!" Just then a tennis ball struck her in the back of her head, bouncing harmlessly off her hair with a metallic gong. She wheeled around furiously, then bent over and picked a brick up off the ground. "Hey! Watch the hair, bozo!" she yelled, throwing the brick up towards where the tennis ball had come from.

The shot cut to the brick bouncing off the edge of the rocky plateau that Chris and Chef were standing on. The two men shared a nervous look, then broke out into laughter again before Chef resumed firing.

A flash took the scene to Dave and Brick, once more hiding behind the cover Team Maskwak had chosen. "Alright soldier, it's time to make our move," Brick said decisively.

"Uhh, and that would be...?" Dave asked warily, gasping as Brick suddenly grabbed him by the wrist.

"To charge forward and counterattack!" the cadet replied, running forward pulling Dave along behind him.

The shot zoomed in on Dave as Brick suddenly stoppd. "Huh?" the germaphobe said in confusion as he continued running, before hearing the tennis ball gun firing. "Ah! Ahh! Ahhh!" he screamed, raising his arms in a futile defense as he was pelted with balls.

"Good job drawing Chef's fire, Dave," Brick said as the camera pulled back to show him running back up with a U-shaped piece of ductwork under his arm. "Now it's time for some payback!" the soldier declared, catching the next ball in the lower half of the duct, causing it to shoot back out of the top.

The camera move behind the ball as it flew back at a startled Chef Hatchet. The scene went black for a second as white starts and red stripes flashed across the screen, accompanying a sound like broken glass. Chef groaned in pain.

"Wowzers!" Chris said to a light tune as the camera's 'eyes' slowly blinked open, showing the smiling host standing overhead. "That guy's got some skills, huh?"

A few deep beats played as the shot returned to the central junk pile. Dave and Brick were searching the left end, Eva was looking through the top of it, Heather and Owen were sifting through the right end, and Leshawna was searching the bottom. Tennis balls littered the ground around them, but none were flying through the air.

Then the airhorn suddenly blew, promptly all of them to stop what they were doing and look up from the pile – including Rodney, who rose up from under a large tire near the top. "Iiiiiiiit's building time!" Chris announced from off-screen before the shot cut to him. "Are you comin'," he turned and asked someone below and behind him, "or do you only wanna get paid for half the episode?"

Chef sat up, his right eye purple and swollen. Chris laughed and walked off, a sharp note playing as his hulking assistant stood with a groan and followed after.

The scene flashed to Max walking towards the entrance of the large cave that had been seen in the island's introduction at the start of the episode. "I don't know what those brutes were talking about," he said to himself. "As if an evil genius like me would settle for less than the most evil of lairs to do my bidding in. Ooh, like this one!" he added in delight upon coming to the cave's entrance.

He let loose a dramatically evil laugh, the camera zooming in at an angle as the music turned tense and the background turned dark.

Max abruptly flubbed the ending, the camera pulling back as he stared blankly in confusion. "Try that again," he told himself calmly before launching into another bout of evil laughter...only to mess up the ending again.

"It's not important," he decided before running into the cave with a gleeful cry of "To my lair!"

He immediately ran out screaming, chased by a swarm of bats.

xxx

"It was very dark in there," he told the camera meekly, holding his head and looking down in fear. "I prefer something less spooky. Not to worry," he said, raising a finger in regained confidence, "no rush, I'll have plenty of time to e-vil!"

xxx

"Where's Max?" Heather asked in aggravation as the scene moved to six members Team Kinosewak standing around by a large leafless tree, all the wood and other supplies they'd gathered lying between them. "How are we supposed to win the first challenge when we're already down a team member?" she added as the team's logo spun into view overhead.

"Pretty sure I saw the little gnome walk off into the woods," Duncan answered as the camera zoomed in. "I think he was going on about how 'evil' he is or whatever. More importantly, what are we even gonna build?"

Heather paused, then smiled. "That is a good question," she told the punk to his confusion. "Does anybody know how to build a shelter?"

The shot cut to Owen, Rodney, and Anne Maria as the country boy hesitantly raised his hand. "Uhh, I know how to build a barn," he said.

"Whoa whoa whoa," Anne Maria spoke up, shaking her hands in objection, "I am not sleepin' in no barn."

"Why not? Owen asked innocently. "I bet there'd be lots of room."

Anne Maria scoffed. "Yeah, for like pigs and junk. I ain't sleepin' with no animals, I'm a human being," she said in a vain tone, raising up a finger and moving her head from side to side.

"It wouldn't be a real barn," Leshawna spoke up, the camera panning over to show her picking up a long wooden post from the pile they'd collected. "It would just look like one! And honestly, any shelter's as good as the next so let's just build a barn already."

"Good point," Heather said as the shot cut back to her at the base of the large tree. "Rodney, get us started," she told the large boy, who sighed dreamily and gave her a dopey grin. Owen and Anne Maria looked at him oddly.

Team Maskwak's logo spun into view as the shot flashed to them, standing in a large rocky clearing around the various objects they'd managed to take from the pile.

"So, uh, who got us the cool couch, anyway?" Mike asked as the shot zoomed in to him sitting down on the fancy-looking couch while Sky looked on.

"...you did, remember?" she replied, giving the boy a strange look.

"Oh! Uh, yeah, haha," Mike said, laughing nervously, "right...guess I forgot in all the commotion," he said with an awkward smile that caused Sky to narrow her eyes.

A military drumline began, and Mike and Sky looked to the left as the camera pulled back and Brick marched over to the front of their pile. "Alright platoon," he said, "under my supervision we will build the best military-styled base of operations available to us."

"Military?" Sadie repeated as the shot cut to her and Katie sharing a questioning look to the soldier's left.

"Hey, sounds good to me!" Mike said with a bright yet awkward smile.

"I don't know," Dave chimed as he walked up from the right. "What do you think, Sky?" he asked, the camera focusing in on the athlete as she raised an eyebrow.

"Uhh...well, I think I'd like a little more information on what exactly you mean," she told Brick, "but I'm fine building anything so long as we get started quickly."

Brick smiled. "Don't worry ma'am, I got the plans right up here," he told her, knocking his knuckles on the side of his head. "Any objections?" he asked, looking around at the others.

The shot cut to Katie and Sadie looking at each other and shrugging before Katie said "Me and Sadie think it's okay."

"Hey, if Sky's fine with it," Dave said as the shot moved to him next, "then I'm fine with it."

"Eva?" Brick asked before the shot cut the the brawny girl walking up to their pile.

A few deep notes played as she lifted the heavy metal door out of it, then looked at Brick. "Just tell me where to put this already," she grunted with a hint of pride in her voice.

Brick smirked. "Right away," he told her.

The footage skipped ahead with a flash, showing a close-up of the edge of a wooden wall as it tilted upwards and away from the camera. The shot pulled back to show it being lifted from the outsde by Rodney and Owen, with the camera cutting to a large doorway to show Duncan pulling the wall forward from inside using a rope attached to the top. It slotted in against some support beams as the left wall of a small one-and-a-half-story barn built against the large tree they'd gathered around before; both the walls and the triangular roof were made of an ugly patchwork of various boards, planks, and sheets of metal, but despite the lack of a front door or coverings over the windows on the front and sides, it looked to be a stable shape. Leshawna was pounding nails into a large piece of plywood on the roof, but other than her and the boys none of the other Salmons were in sight.

"Alright guys," Rodney said as the shot zoomed in on him taking a hammer and some nails out of the pocket of his overalls, "you hold it steady while I get it secured. Leshawna," the camera followed his look upwards to show the girl in question looking down from the roof, "make sure the roof is nice and tight, okay?"

"I'll do what I can," Leshawna replied, "but it ain't easy building a roof with just one person."

The camera panned down to the front door as Heather and Anne Maria walked out of it. "Hey, we'd help you but our hands are tied making the inside livable."

"As impossible as that sounds," Anne Maria chimed in. "Ain't our fault Max bailed on us."

"I bailed on no one, you fool," came the voice of the evil in question, a sharp note being struck as the rest of Team Kinosewak turned their gazes to the left. The camera panned over to show Max walking up to them, stopping by Rodney with a haughty look on his face. "I was merely off conducting some important business," he said matter-of-factly. "Now what sort of living quarters have you brutes constructed for me?" he asked, looking at their shelter with disdain.

"Good question," asked Chris as an oddly heroic theme played, the shot pulling back to show him descending to the far side of the barn on his jetpack. "It looks nice, but putting it at ground level might not be such a great idea."

"Oh yeah, and why's that?" Max asked before the music turned ominous and the ground began to shake. The camera panned to the rest of his team, even Duncan back outside now as they all looked around with wide, nervous eyes. Leshawna fell from the roof with a short scream but was caught by Rodney, who gave her a dopey smile and received a strange look in return.

"Here comes your answer!" Chris told them with a hint of glee, the music rising as the seven teens caught sight of something and ran screaming to the left.

A large herd of moose came stampeding by, and the shot cut to Team Kinosewak watching fearfully from some bushes. "This island is a little more wild than our last one," Chris called out over the din of the stampede.

The herd soon passed, though, and the seven teens stood from their cover with fearful, wide-eyed looks towards their barn. The camera quick-panned over to show it apparently unharmed...before it suddenly trembled, then with a deep and dramatic chant collapsed – first the left wall, then the roof.

"NO...!" groaned the six who'd worked on it.

Max sniffed. "Such incompetence. Are all of you good for nothing?"

"Excuse me?!" Leshawna said angrily. "We busted our butts building that thing, ain't our fault we didn't expect there to be a stampede!"

Max sniffed once more, with even more disdain than the last and completely oblivious to the glares he was receiving from his teammates.

A military bugle started to play as the scene cut to a slow pan across a small hangar-shaped building cobbled together out of various sheets of scrap metal, the roughly curved roof patched with wood or even cloth in some places. It was nestled in between several erratic boulders of various sizes, and at the far right the large door that Eva had brought was hanging open. Standing outside the building were Team Maskwak, the camera cutting to show them lined up and looking mostly satisfied.

"See!" Brick said proudly from the center of the group, raising his arms before walking towards their new shelter, the camera moving behind the rest of the team once more. "I told you I had it all planned out."

"It's great, Brick," Sky said with a happy smile as the shot cut back to her, Dave by her side staring at his hands in shock and horror.

"I...really think I need to go wash my sweaty, greasy hands right now...," he said, looking almost shellshocked. "And...the rest of me, too..." he added as he walked off to the right as his teammates looked on.

"Well, I think it's a job well done," Mike said, patting Brick on the back.

The music suddenly turned tense as Chris flew down towards them on his jetpack. "Good to hear it," he said while hovering above them in the air. "Nice bunker, too. So, is it moose-proof?"

"Is it what now?" Sky asked in confusion before the ground began to shake, the camera cutting outward to show that Dave had stopped in his track a couple yards away.

The shot quickly cut to a close-up of the approaching herd, then back to Team Maskwak. "Everybody inside!" Brick yelled, and the entire team screamed and ran for the bunker. The cadet waited by the door as his teammates ran in, and once the last – Dave – was inside Brick entered as well, slamming the door shut behind him.

Their nervous faces appeared in the small windows that lined the side of the building, watching as the moose thundered past. The camera cut back outward to show the entire shelter as the last moose passed, and the dust began to settle.

When nothing happened, Team Maskwak breathed a collective sigh of relief.

A flash took the scene to another clearing, the two teams now seated on long logs with Maskwak on the left and Kinosewak on the right. "I'd like to say it was a hard decision," Chris said, standing between them as the music boomed dramatically, "but, let's keep it real. Team Waneyihtam Maskwak wins the challenge!" he announced, provoking a groan of disappointment from Kinosewak as a tune of victory played.

The camera panned across the winners, showing Katie and Sadie hugging and squealing, Mike and Brick exchanging a high-five, Sky raising her arms and cheering prompting Dave to follow suit, and Eva on the end raising her arms and bellowing "YEAH!"

"The winners of each challenge will be rewarded this season with a take-out order from a sponsoring restaurant," he told Team Maskwak. "This week, it's the Petting Zoo Barbecue," he said, the victorious music being replaced by a calm elevator music jingle as he took out two paper bags bearing the logo of a grinning sheep sitting in a barbecue grill. "The Petting Zoo Barbecue, someone else touched your dinner," he told the camera. "We guarantee it." He winked.

"Aww man...," Owen groaned as the shot cut to the losers. "I could really go for some lamb right now..."

"Team Pimâpotew Kinosewak," Chris walked over and told them as the music became tense again, "please go vote! One member of your team is heading home today."

The seven of them groaned.

A few deep drum beats reopened the music as the scene faded ahead to nightfall, the full moon shining over a long-distance shot of Pahkitew Island. "Welcome to the Pahkitew Island elimination area," Chris greeted, the scene cutting to the flat hilltop that had been shown at the beginning of the episode. The traditional low, slow, and tense elimination had already begun, the fires of both the central pit and the surrounding torches had been lit, and the seven members of Team Kinosewak had seated themselves on the logs and rocks lined up to the side.

"This is where we determine who stays to play another day," Chris continued, "and who gets a one-way ticket home."

xxx

"It's too bad I can only vote for one of those losers tonight," Heather told the outhouse camera, crossing her arms and scowling in annoyance.

xxx

"Serves them right for not letting my supreme evil-ness lead the team," Max confessed snobbishly.

xxx

Anne Maria was spraying her hair as the next confessional began. "Uggh. I risked my looks for this? What a rip-off," she complained.

xxx

"The votes are in," Chris said, the shot cutting to him with a tray of six marshmallows in his hand. "If I hand you a marshmallow," he picked up the first of the treats, "you're safe. Leshawna."

"Yes!" the sista said from the far right end of the front row, pumping her fist excitedly before catching the prize that was tossed to her.

"Owen, Rodney," the host continued as the camera panned to the two boys sitting alone in the back row.

"Woo hoo!" Owen cheered, immediately tossing the marshmallow into his mouth as the farmer caught his own.

"Heather," the camera panned to the far left to show the Queen bee catching her marshmallow with a confident smirk, "aaaaand Duncan," a short pan to the right showed the punk raising his hand to catch a high toss, "you are safe."

"Anne Maria," the host said, the shot pulling back to show the Jersey girl sitting between Duncan and Leshawna, "your unwillingness to risk your looks for the sake of the team slowed them down. Also," he added as she shrugged uncaringly and pulled her can of hairspray from her pouf, "it's kinda hard to breathe around you." Her eyes popped open, and she put the can away with a sheepish smile.

"And Max," the host continued as the shot cut to the villain sitting with his arms crossed between Heather and Duncan, opening his eyes and raising his brow in confusion. "You did nothing to help your team during the challenge, plus you won't shut up about how evil you are."

"Hmph," Max scoffed. "E-vil should not hide it's own greatness."

"Yeah, don't care," Chris told him with a shake of his head. "Okay!" he continued with a smile, holding up the last marshmallow as the music began to trill. "The final marshmallow goes to..."

The shot cut from a close-up of Anne Maria, looking nervously from side to side as she filed her nails, to Max, puffing himself up proudly as the tense elimination theme continued.

"Anne Maria," Chris finally said, tossing the last prize to the Jersey girl.

"Oh yeah, baby!" she said in excitement, eagerly catching the marshmallow with both hands.

"What?" Max asked in confusion. "But that means-"

"Time for you to go, dork," Duncan said as the camera panned over to include him in the shot.

"This island is named Pahkitew," Chris said as a sombre elimination theme began to play. "Which, is the Cree word for 'exploding'. So, we thought it fitting that this season's mode of transportation home should be something with a bang."

The scene rotated about itself, transitioning to Chris and Chef standing by some large object hidden under a sheet. "Without further ado," the host said dramatically, his assistant grabbing the sheet as a grandiose anthem began to play, "I give you the Boom of Abashment, the Kablam of Chagrin, this season's humiliating way home," the camera zoomed out as Chef pulled away the sheet to reveal a large cannon with alternating red and white stripes spiraling around the barrel, "the Cannon of Shame!"

The remaining member of Team Kinosewak gasped in shock.

"Any last words?" Chris asked dryly over a close-up of Max's head emerging from the muzzle of the cannon.

"Yes," Max answered simply before clearing his throat. "You have all sorely underestimated the true grasp of my e-vil," he said dramatically, the camera zooming in as his eyes turned red and the air around him darkened. "Even now, the seeds of my evil plan have-"

"Enough already," Chris interrupted in irritation as the camera cut outward to show the whole cannon and those watching it. The host pressed the button on his remote, and the cannon finally fired.

"I shall have my REVENGE!" Max yelled as he was shot into the night, his former teammates watching on as the opening notes of the capstone theme played in the background.

"Yeah, like I've never heard that before," Chris commented as he turned from the rapidly-disappearing form of Max to face the camera. "Not about to miss having him around," he told it with a laugh as the capstone theme began in earnest.

"Well, that's one down and thirteen to go," he continued with a widening grin. "Who's the next human cannonball? There are just too many good choices! Tune in and find out yourself, here on Total!" The shot jumped outward to show Chef, the cannon, and the remaining Salmons. "Drama!" The next jumpcut revealed the low rocky outcropping they were standing on by the beach. "Paaaaaahkitew Island!" And the final jumpcut showed the entire island from afar, the light of the elimination area shining from the smaller rock formation linked to the island by it's natural arch.

(Fade to Credits)

Author's Note - Post Script

I imagine I've made quite a few people sad by booting Max first, so I'll try and explain that to start off. Basically, every elimination in this season has been a tough decision for me to make because this might be the only chance I'll have to write these characters, and most of them have a lot of potential in my eyes and I love them for it. With that being said, Max is unfortunately the character I feel I can do the least with. He's uniquely humorous, yes, but humor isn't really something I'm lacking for with this cast. And I feel the other comic relief characters have way more development potential in them when compared with Max, who made it to the merge in canon without ever really changing much. So while on the face of it he seems like someone I'd jump at the chance to develop, especially considering what I did with Ezekiel, Staci, Beardo, and Leonard in previous seasons...I honestly just don't know what to do with him. And since his personality and canon actions made it quite easy to justify an elimination...well, here we are.

So yeah. To summarize, I eliminated Max because I really had no idea what to do with him, and that made him the most expendable person in the cast. It's a shame, as I would've liked to write him and Duncan interacting a bit with him trying to make the punk his minion, but ultimately that wasn't a good enough reason to keep Max around.

Moving on, the teams were actually quite difficult to decide upon as well. There's just so many good combinations of them depending on what you want to do and what interactions you want to emphasize, so it was almost impossible for me to decide on an arrangement. Heck, I even swapped Owen and Mike shortly before I started to work on this episode! I'm still not entirely certain that these teams are the best ones for what I want to do, but they're the ones I've decided to go forward with. I hope you enjoy them.

As for the challenge...well, it was pretty straightforward once I knew Max would be the first boot. Maskwak had to win, meaning they needed to do well in the scavenging portion of the episode. Brick and Rodney were chosen as the two shelter-builders because I figured they were the most realistic among a cast with very little outdoor experience. Manitoba Smith would have been a good choice as well, but since he requires a fedora or similar hat to appear and that's not something that would necessarily be around I figured I should stick with Brick.

But yeah. I hope I managed to keep everyone in character, especially the ones that I've never written before. Let me know what you thought of the cast and of the premiere as a whole, and I'll see you all next week.

Until then, enjoy yourselves.

-Fangren

Appendix: TSPI Eliminated Contestants

Max - (14th Place)