a/n: hahahahahaha I'm really sorry you clicked on this.

The AU is pretty easy to figure out, Deeks doesn't work at NCIS and Kensi married Jack.

not too late to exit out :)

His senses were in overdrive. The collar of his button down shirt felt stiff against his neck as he sat at the table, glancing toward the door. Everything sounded louder, every light and color seemed more vivid. This was one of the most important moments of his life. Or well, it had the potential to be.

He picked up his smoothie and took a slow sip of it, trying to ease the build up he had going in his head to this meeting. He'd thought about it for far too long, days had morphed into weeks and into months. He'd tried to search for what he would be able to say, if anything, to make himself come off as likable, relatable, a good man.

If only it were okay to drink with an eleven year old. Damn, that kid probably needed a beer too.

It wasn't but a moment later when the door to the cafe swung open, and the person he was so worked up about meeting was within his range of sight. He looked exactly like he had in all of the photos he'd seen. His eyes were dark, but so familiar that he knew them by memory.

Deeks stood, the boy's eyes darted to him. He began to take confident but slow steps towards Deeks."You Martin Deeks?"

Deeks tried to pull out a kind smile. "That depends. Are you Joshua Simon?" He knew the answer to his own question all too well.

Meeting her was one of the only good things Max Gentry ever did for him.

He was busy being the ass he is at a bar in Encino. She was stunning and he had no filter. She was talking about nothing but at the same time, she was talking about everything. She said her name was Maria and he could tell that there was something fake about her. But with no intent to pursue and a job to do, he didn't spend much time analyzing her.

Had he been Marty Deeks in that bar that night, he probably would have really been turned off by her personality. He would have wondered why the hell such a pretty and respectable woman in a joint like this one, which was seedy to say the least.

But when one of Max's good old buddies pulled a gun to his lady's head (love wasn't supposed to kill you, but in this world it did) he needed back up and he needed not to blow his cover. But Maria, this wasn't her world was it? She didn't have to live this torture. Before he could react in her best interest, she was leaning into him. "My name is Kensi Blye, I'm an NCIS Special Agent. I got this."

She whooped Max's friend's ass and his cover was maintained and no one got shot in the head. No wonder Maria felt fake. She was fake.

In the business of the arrests that went down, he slipped away and laid loose until he could get ahold of Bates and find out how the fucking hell some NCIS agent knew he was an undercover cop.

He also wanted her phone number.

"Its nice to meet you," Deeks let out a breath he didn't know his lungs were still holding in.

"I wish I could say the same," Joshua says into his straw. It hurts Deeks a little, but he tries to pretend he doesn't.

"Not a big fan of people who take your mom out, huh?" Deeks deflected. "I still hate when my momma goes out, and I'm old."

"You're not old," Josh snarls up his nose. "I'm sorry. That was rude… I just… I'm protective of her. My mom, that is. She doesn't have a good track record of choosing men."

He wonders if he should tell him his own sad story, but decides against it. Kid's gotta trust him first.

"I know my father was a good man once, I know he loves me, somewhere deep inside himself. I know he loved Mom once too. But…" Joshua paused.

"But you can't forgive him. And you don't want to risk her heart, your heart again," Deeks said quietly. "I know."

When they met for the first time, well the real first time, she almost punched him in the face.

He was still a little livid that NCIS was aware of his undercover work while LAPD was in the dark about their undercover work, but he mostly was just pissed that he hadn't been able to see through Maria.

He confronted her like the immature ass he was. He was invited to share intel with the navy cops at this secure location he'd come to know as the boatshed.

They got into a pissing war and her knuckles were so close to his nose that he could feel the inevitable coming to fruition. But she restrained herself, and one look into her unforgettable eyes caused the anger to diminish and slip away into oblivion.

Some of that anger translated to sexual tension and they both knew how dangerous this line was, but weren't sure that they really cared.

The next weekend they met at a significantly less seedy bar in Downtown LA and they both drank just a little too much, but they weren't drunk enough to be completely wasted. They made out a little bit and he tested her boundaries with his teeth against the soft flesh of her lips, but she just gave it right back.

They were ready to catch a cab and both of their minds said one night stand, but on the way to his place a switch in her head flipped. He didn't really get it, but when she whispered, "I can't," and when she couldn't will herself to say why, he didn't push her any further. When they got to his place, he made her wait until he decided that she was sober enough to drive herself home, and wouldn't go to bed until she'd texted him that she was safe.

It was good that they didn't have a one night stand. One time would have never been enough.

"My mom really does like you," Joshua says, still not really making eye contact with Deeks. "She told me that."

"Your Mom really cares how you feel about me," Deeks says. "And I care about how you feel about me too."

"If I go home and tell her I hate you she'd never talk to you again."

Deeks laughs nervously. "That's a very true statement."

"I'm not going to do that," Josh says.

"I appreciate it."

Josh sighs. "This is really hard."

"Is there anything I can do to make it easier?" He knows immediately when he asks the question that Josh won't have an answer for him. "I've been in your shoes before. It sucks."

"I just want her to be happy. And safe."

He feels goosebumps rise up his neck.

She called him after their almost one night stand. It had been almost two weeks. She wondered if maybe they could go out for drinks, but somewhere quieter where they could talk. Just the thought of seeing her made his heart race and so he went for it and decided to go.

He wore a button down and did the best he could to look presentable, but she didn't seem to mind his shagged ruggedness. She also dressed up, but more modestly so than the time they'd gone out before. They both ordered wine but that was their only drink. He could tell she wanted to be buzzed. Something, her posture and tone of voice to be exact, told him she had something to say.

"I wanted to do it. After the bar." She says it suddenly. They hadn't been discussing their prior interactions.

"I know." He doesn't tell her how much it scared him at her sudden dejection that night.

"I've mislead you."

That line also scared the shit out of him. If there wasn't something going on in between them, even if just mutual attraction, why the hell were they here? "How so?"

She sighed, the weight of something bigger than her pushing on her shoulders. "From the very first time we met in that disgusting bar in Encino."

"I thought we were over the whole, 'My agency fucked over your agency,' thing," he said with a frown." That line made her laugh. He knew it would.

"I mean, I lied to you about who I am. And I have been since that night."

His eyes narrowed. "Don't tell me your name isn't Kensi."

She laughed again, but it was a little big more fake. "No, its Kensi. And I go by the last name Blye in the office, but legally, my last name is Simon."

He thought he had it figured out there. Maybe Max was the kind of man who'd have an affair, but Marty wasn't feeling it. That, he couldn't do.

"Excuse me, are you married?" He couldn't keep the anger at bay in his chest. It was rising up his throat at an alarming pace.

But she remained calm. "I was. Not anymore."

He felt like a dick for getting angry so easily. Who did he think she was? What was wrong with him?

"You being divorced doesn't really bother me."

"I have kids. Two kids. One's 11. One's 7. Kept the last name for them."

Well, that was something. He didn't know how he felt about that one. But the longer he sat in silence, the longer he didn't think that bothered him?

"When we were in the cab, I knew that I couldn't let you be a one night stand. There was a time when I would have been very okay with that, but when you have a seven year old daughter, you just look at who you are sometimes and wish you were a better person. I can't do one night stands anymore. It just isn't me."

He willed his voice to work. "That's fair. Have you…" his eyes wandered, not wanting to ask but wanting to know the answer. "Since?"

She nodded. "Yes. But nothing serious. Just to scratch the itch and make myself feel better. The kids can't know, I don't want them to."

"Divorce hard on them?"

"Their father was hard on them,"she didn't elaborate. "Not tonight."

He nodded. "Okay."

"Look, I'm only telling you because when we were in that bar downtown, I just…" she was so hesitant. "I knew that once wouldn't be enough. And I can't get close to you and then spring this package on you later."

"You wanna know if I'm still interested?" He felt skeptical asking such a shallow question.

"Pretty much."

"Is this you full hand this time?"

"Not even close."

He grinned. Despite his better judgment, he replied, "Deal me in."

"Do you wanna talk about something else?" Deeks offers, wondering if it'll aid the situation. He doesn't think he's made much of a hit with Josh.

Josh rolls with it. "Mom said you played basketball."

Deeks smiles. "Yeah, I did play basketball. She told me you play too. And that your sister plays softball."

"Do you wanna play?" Josh asks. "My mom said I could ride with you. She said I'd be safe with you."

His lips tighten up in a deeper smile. "I'd love to. There's a court just a few blocks down."

"I'm not allowed to ride in the front seat."

"That's okay. I'm not allowed to do a lot of things too."

They only saw each other every other Saturday night for a while. He got that she was hiding him from her kids. But she was nothing like any other girl he'd ever been with, not only in history and past, but in character. Personalty.

They'd been going out for almost two months before any talk of why she got a divorce came up. They were talking about families and past over dinner at his place and she was telling him about her son and asked one two many questions about his childhood.

She'd been very open very early on about her kids, or at least that she had them. She'd felt dishonest, but he was glad she told him when she did. He'd had no business going into her life with foul intentions, and honestly he still probably had no business being with a woman who had kids. But this was Kensi.

Her openness is ultimately why he told her about his father, and everything he'd been through since he pulled the trigger on his father that fateful morning.

The tears welled up in her eyes, and it didn't take him long to connect the dots as to why.

She was 21 when they had their first kid, and she was married to a marine that made her happy and was someone her father would have been proud of. She worked and studied and had help with their son when he was deployed. When he came back the first time, he wasn't quite himself, but he also wasn't all too different. He was a good man still. And then they were pregnant again and things were okay, but when he came back from his second deployment, the PTSD was so evident and so clear.

But it wasn't the mental illlness that created a living hell for their family. It was who the mental illness made him. When the abuse started, she hadn't recognized it, the words and restrictions he placed on her life weren't pleasant. But it slowly transferred over to the kids. The things he said scared them. She thought it was still better to stay with them. Her kids needed a father and she still loved him. He was just sick, right? Their vows said in sickness and in health.

So when he started leaving bruises on her arms and legs, she blamed them on work and moved on with it. Sex became dangerous, but she couldn't dare turn him down if she knew what was good for her.

She didn't know where to draw the line. She didn't know when in sickness and in health turned into abuse, but she lived with beatings and bruises for too many years. But when her son came running into her screaming and crying with a busted lip, that broke her. She'd failed her number one job as a mother. She took the kids and ran. She hadn't seen her mother in years, but she put her pride aside for the safety of her children.

She hadn't heard from Jack Simon since that last day in divorce court. She didn't know where he was. He'd been granted no access to the kids. They didn't want to see him. She tried to make them very aware of the man their father once was, not the one who beat the shit out of their mother when they weren't looking.

Deeks was seething, literally seething with anger at what had been done to her. The guilt was still freshly written on her face and he wanted nothing else but to wash away the pain, the years upon years of pain away. She was too strong of a woman to be abused.

He reached up to her and pressed a slow kiss on her lips that she fell into, more fragile than he expected her to be. Maybe it was neanderthal like to want to act like he was acting, but he couldn't help it. She deserved to be made love to like she was someone's whole damn world.

That night, he did the best he could.

He was really good at basketball once upon a time. It still made him really happy, believe it or not. But he should have known Kensi's kid would test even his limits.

"She didn't tell me you were this good!" Deeks exclaims as Joshua dribbles up to him. He feels a little out of breath.

"She didn't tell me you were good either," he tries to dive around Deeks and almost, almost succeeds. "I think I like you."

Deeks finally feels himself relax. "That's good. That's really good."

He lets Josh take the shot. Deeks gives him a high five. "Can I promise you something?"

"Sure."

"As long as I'm with your mom, which I hope is a really, really long time, she'll be safe with me. And so will you. And so will your sister."

"Would you marry her?" He asks curiously. "I mean, not right now."

"Yeah, no, I… I know what you're saying." He never thought he'd answer that question. "I think I would."

"So I might have like, a step dad someday?"

"Does that scare you?"

Joshua shrugs. "Maybe a little."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Always, Kens."

"I um, I told Josh I was seeing someone. It was about a month ago. He 's not comfortable with this at all. I don't want him to be afraid of you."

The thought of meeting her kid was he knew, a risk. But God, he loved her so much. And if her kids didn't like him, how the hell would this work?

"Would you be uncomfortable meeting him? Without me being there?"

That threw him off guard. Without her?

"I want him to know that you're safe. That I'm safe. That I'm loved," she laces his fingers around his. "No better way than to let him have unfiltered access to you. You've been there yourself."

They'd talked about a lot of things in the last ten months. The possibility of getting married again wasn't at the top of her to do list. She was still learning about healthy relationships and dealing with the abuse that she had faced, just as her children were doing the same thing. But if her family was going to take steps toward healing, she knew that Martin Deeks needed to be a part of their lives.

"Okay."

As he's driving Joshua home, Deeks watches his eyes in the rear view mirror. They're distant, looking way out the window and fixating on objects that are only in view for a few short seconds at a time.

"Do you love her?" he asks suddenly, as Deeks pulls up to a stop sign.

He didn't even have to think about it. "I do. With all my heart."

Josh doesn't say anything else, he just nods. "Will you come over for dinner this week? My Mom can't cook, you probably knew that, but I'll make her order a pizza. You should meet my sister."

"I'd like that a lot," Deeks smiles.

"Can we talk sometime? About what you went through when you were a kid?"

Deeks locked eyes with Joshua in the mirror this time. "Of course."

He pulls into the driveway. He's never been to her place formally before, but he's driven by a few times. He hears Joshua unbuckle his seatbelt. "Thank you, " he says. Deeks wants to tell him that it was nothing, but Joshua continues. "And thank you for teaching my Mom how to smile again."

Before he can even begin to come up with a response to that, Kensi's got her head popped out the front door and she's walking out toward him. It's the first time in the ten months he's known her that she gets to see her in person as a mother interacting with her son, and his heart is gone.

She sends Josh running into the house and leans in this rolled down car window for a quick kiss. There is relief written on her face that is impossible to express verbally.

He's always wanted kids, deep down inside himself. But he never allowed himself to admit that. He didn't believe he had the ability to be a good father, and he certainly wouldn't dare put himself in a position where he had to be one. He was the kind of guy who was way too into his job and way too in love with his mutt to really get anywhere with a woman. But despite how much of an ass he felt like he was, he had so much love in his heart that he really didn't know about until he met her.

He told himself a long time ago that if he ever did somehow wind up with kids, they'd never see the things in the world that he'd had to see. He'd seen it happen so many times in his life, the plans he'd had disappeared in the blink of an eye. It happened once again, sitting there in Kensi's driveway. He had no doubts that today, he'd met his son.