Note: Well, it's still long :) And there are some Interesting Stylistic Choices. Sorry XD I think you'll be able to figure out what the italicized portions are pretty quickly, but if not, it's made pretty explicit by the end. Poor Gray. I'm so mean to him :(

'The screams and roars echo in his ears, and he can still see the blood spattered everywhere and the bodies lying around and the demon coming closer, closer, closer. And then he wakes up flailing about in a panic. He realizes that things aren't much better now that he's awake, because sometimes he wakes up into a nightmare instead of the other way around. The nightmares he can't wake up from are always the worst.'

.

'If you can't wake up then it's not really a nightmare, is it? Sometimes you just have to learn how to cope with reality.'

He's in the void, but even though he's nothing, he can still hear the echoes of screams, feel the dragonlings tear through him, see the blood spilling down. And then there's one final shot to his head, and everything goes dark. For a moment he can feel only the emptiness of the void swirling around him, eating away at what little might be left of him. And then it all starts over again. It repeats over and over and over and–

Gray woke with a gasp, flailing about in panic. It was still dark, but he could just barely make out the details of his bedroom in the shadows. He wasn't in the void. He had his memories. Everything was fine. But that nightmare just kept coming back over and over again. It looked like it was never going to let him go.

(('Of course not. You belong to the void.'))

And reality came crashing right back down, because this wasn't a nightmare he could just wake up from.

Gray grimaced and shook his head, as if he could shake the curse right out. But it didn't work like that, and it would talk for as long as it wanted and he didn't have a say in the matter. He hadn't been lying when he'd told Natsu that the curse had weakened considerably over time, but he hadn't been entirely truthful either.

The curse was weaker, but it was hardly gone. Usually he barely even registered its presence, but some days it would start fighting again. It might not be able to drag him back to the void or take his memories, but it could still make his life hell.

He didn't want to tell the others about that, so he tried to hold himself together and fight his way through the bad days on his own. His friends wanted to believe that everything had magically gone back to normal, and he didn't want to disillusion them. Right now his plan was to just wait the curse out, because it was getting weaker. Most days it was fine, but some days it was a real struggle.

(('It would be easier if you just gave in. Come back to the void and all the pain will go away.'))

"Shut up," he growled. Then he winced, realizing that he might have just made things worse. The curse wasn't exactly alive, but it would react if he responded to it. Interacting with it just made it more persistent.

(('You still feel the pull. You know that you don't belong here anymore. You can feel it.'))

Gray ground his teeth together and slid out of bed. He felt trapped, and there was nothing he could do about it. He couldn't escape from something that was stuck inside his head, and he couldn't escape from himself either.

Because the curse was right, and Gray hated it for it. It was part of him, had access to all the feelings he tried to suppress and every last memory he'd ever made, and it would use them against him.

As much as it might have pried apart his thoughts and twisted them into something darker than he'd ever meant them to be, it was still right in its own way. In the moment Gray had gotten his memories back he had felt whole and everything had felt right, and he'd managed to overlook the inconsistencies and niggling doubts. But once the initial euphoria had faded away, he had begun to gradually realize that things hadn't just gone back to normal. As much as he tried to hide it from the others, he wasn't quite the same.

It was getting hard to breathe in here, and Gray needed out. He stalked into the bathroom to splash cold water on his face, as if that could shock the curse into submission. All it really did was make him wet and cold, and give him the unwelcome opportunity to glimpse his face in the mirror. He stared at his reflection, wondering how it could be so familiar and so strange at the same time.

(('Maybe it's because you know that you still don't quite exist the way you should.'))

"Be quiet!" Gray spun away from the mirror with a scowl. He couldn't deal with this tonight.

He pulled on some clothes, frantic to get out of the suddenly too-small apartment. It looked like he'd be spending the night pacing the streets again. Glancing at the clock, he grimaced as he realized that it wasn't even four in the morning yet. It would be a long night.

On his way out the door, he grabbed his coat and pulled it on, needing the reassuring weight of the object in the front pocket and the familiar sensation of fabric brushing against his skin that he'd grown accustomed to in the days where he rarely stripped. He jammed his hands into its pockets and prowled the city's sleeping streets.

"Everything is perfectly fine," he said into the stillness, absently pressing his fingers against the book's cover to make sure it was still there. If anyone saw him talking to himself, they'd think he was crazy. But no one else was up at this hour and he needed something to drown out the curse's whisperings. "I'm not dead, not stuck in the void, not an amnesiac. I've got my friends and my memories and I'm myself again, and everything is perfectly fine."

(('Are you? Yourself? Do you even have a self anymore? You barely exist at all.'))

"It was always me. All of it."

(('That's too bad, then. You didn't particularly like who you were then, did you? It would be better if you came back to the void. Then you don't have to be yourself anymore.'))

Gray hunched his shoulders and picked up his pace a little and continued rambling on, but he wasn't really paying attention and it wasn't helping and he didn't know what else to do.

"There's no reason to be upset. It seems kind of ungrateful to be unhappy after everyone worked so hard to sort things out. It should be over. I should be able to let this go. It was always me and there's no reason to be so confused about who I am now. People change. I changed. That's normal."

(('What about you is normal, exactly? This isn't over. It won't be over until you come back where you belong.'))

"I belong here," Gray insisted, clenching his hands into fists and feeling his nails bite into his palms. "I don't need the void when my friends are here."

(('Where, exactly, are your friends? Where are your friends now?'))

"They're asleep. Like normal human beings."

(('And you're awake, because you're not a normal human being. Maybe because you're not a human being at all.'))

"That's stupid."

(('Is it?'))

"Of course it is." Gray's voice wavered slightly in the still night air.

(('You're a bad liar.'))

"Get out of my head!" he cried in frustration, squeezing his eyes shut and shaking his head.

(('You know the void will be part of you forever.'))

Gray bit back his instinctive response. He'd gotten carried away and started conversing with the curse again. He tried to tune out the clamor in his head, but it was impossible. The best he could manage was to wander the streets in a daze, distracted by all the noise. Talking didn't help, walking faster didn't help, and Gray eventually gave up and sat down.

'He's unhappy today and he's looking for a distraction. He figures that the annoying new girl is a good place to start, so he goes looking for her, intending to start a fight. He finds her at the riverbank, and his voice dies in his throat when he sees that she's crying. It occurs to him that she has demons in her past too. He doesn't know her very well and they aren't exactly friends, but he doesn't want to think that she's hurting like he is. He sits down next to her awkwardly, unsure of what to do. In the end he just sits there because he doesn't have much he can give her, but the one thing he can do is make sure that Erza doesn't have to cry alone.'

.

'Looking out for her is good, but why wouldn't you let anyone look out for you? Why did you spend half your life alone on a riverbank of your own?'

Apparently he'd somehow managed to wander to the river again. Perhaps it shouldn't really be a surprise since this seemed to be where everyone ended up sooner or later, be it for crying or fighting or comforting. Gray didn't think that he was really here for any of those things. He was here because he was tired of feeling like he was running away, from the curse and from himself.

He wanted to think that he wasn't really giving up either, but all the same, he sat down at the water's edge and drew his knees to his chest. For a few minutes he stared out at the dark water, but then he buried his face in his knees and clamped his hands over his ears.

He didn't know how long he sat there curled into that uncomfortable position, rocking back and forth, but it was long enough that his muscles started aching and cramping. The curse droned on and on and on, occasionally falling silent for a time but always coming back.

He was so lost in his own mind that he didn't even hear anyone come up behind him.

"–ray? Gray?"

A hand shook his shoulder and he yelped in surprise, trying to spin around and ending up sprawled gracelessly on the ground instead. He blinked up at Natsu uncomprehendingly.

"What in the world are you doing up so early?" he asked, his mind not quite caught up with his mouth yet.

"Early?" Natsu asked. "It's well past the time you would have normally come to the guild."

"What?" Gray's eyes widened as he realized that night had brightened into daylight at some point. "It's already that late? Damn."

"Already that late?" Lyon repeated. Gray sat up quickly, noticing the older mage for the first time. "Just how long have you been out here?"

Gray felt his expression close off, but then realized that it would be a terrible mistake to get defensive. Forcing a smile, he waved a hand dismissively. "I don't know," he said airily. "I lost track of time."

(('It seems like the only thing left of you is your lies. No wonder you hardly feel human—you're made up of a collection of lies that you've crafted to hide the fact that there's nothing left of you.'))

He grimaced, but then forcibly smoothed out his expression and picked himself up off the ground, wincing and stumbling a little as his cramping muscles protested. Natsu and Lyon exchanged looks.

"It's well past eleven," Natsu said.

"Already?" Gray asked, rattled, not quite believing it could be that late. "Please tell me that everyone didn't get worried and set up another manhunt."

"No… We didn't think it was a good idea to worry everyone unless something was actually wrong," Lyon said. "We thought we'd look for you first, so we told them everything was probably fine."

"And you both decided to look for me? Together?"

Natsu and Lyon glanced at each other again, before returning their concerned gazes to Gray.

"Yeah," Natsu said. "We thought that maybe something actually was wrong."

"You've been kind of out of sorts lately," Lyon added. "Although it's not that obvious. It was mostly a hunch, really."

Gray stared at them. "Nothing's wrong. I'm perfectly fine. Let's go back to the guild."

"You don't look fine," Lyon said doubtfully.

"Sure I do. You worry too much."

"You don't have to keep hiding things, Gray," Natsu said quietly.

(('Hm, maybe you do. Aren't you hiding things because you know that they won't like who you've become?'))

"Would you shut the fuck up already?" Gray snarled, finally losing patience. Natsu's eyes widened and he took a half-step back, and Lyon looked no less startled. Gray winced and deflated, dropping his gaze to the ground. "Sorry," he muttered. "Not you."

There was a pause.

"Not me?" Natsu asked finally. He swallowed. "The curse is talking to you again? I thought you said it wasn't giving you problems anymore."

Awesome. Now he'd totally given himself away.

"It's not so bad," Gray said, backtracking hurriedly. "Usually I barely even know it's there. It's just a little more active than usual today, but nothing I can't handle."

(('Liar.'))

"Gray," Natsu started. "You don't–"

"Seriously, you worry too much," Gray interrupted, keeping his voice light. "It's really not that bad. Anyway, we should go back to the guild before anyone starts to really worry."

"We don't have to go back yet, if you aren't ready to face them," Lyon said. "It's okay to take a few minutes to pull yourself together. They'll wait."

In truth, Gray wasn't sure he was ready to go to the guild yet. He knew that he was a mess right now, but he also didn't want them to see that he was falling apart so he had to be okay.

"Nah," he said, forcing a smile. "I'm ready to go back."

(('No, you aren't. You don't want to go back to the guild because you know that your friends don't really want you around anymore.'))

"What?" Gray blinked at empty space in confusion, then snorted derisively. "That's the stupidest thing you've said so far."

The curse was a master at sniffing out his insecurities, but it didn't always do such a great job. Gray might have had doubts about his friends wanting him around a long, long time ago, but he hadn't felt something that silly in years. The curse would have a hard time stoking that particular insecurity up again.

(('Hmm… Then maybe it's more that you know they would be better off without you.'))

"I…" That was a little harder to deny, if only because that insecurity had been harder to shake in the past.

(('You know that you always hurt everyone you care about. And in the end, you know that it would be better for your friends if you weren't around.'))

He sucked in a breath. "That was a long time ago. I haven't felt like that in a long time."

"Gray?"

(('Oh really? Why else would you ask your friends to give up and let you go unless you knew that they'd be better off without you? You spent months feeling like a fraud, feeling like you didn't deserve everything they were giving you. You could see how unhappy you made them. If it was you the whole time, then you felt that way. And you can still feel it now, can't you?'))

"That's not–that's not the same," Gray mumbled, his fingers curling into loose fists.

"Hey, Gray?"

(('Isn't it?'))

He wasn't sure how to respond to that.

"Gray!"

His head jerked up, and he blinked at Natsu blankly. The dragon slayer looked like he might be about to pounce on Gray and shake some sense into him, and both he and Lyon were wearing horrified expressions.

"Sorry," Gray muttered, shaking his head and running a hand through his hair. "I don't know why it's so loud today. Usually I'm better at ignoring it."

The fact that he had gotten completely distracted from the conversation at hand was a testament to exactly how strong the curse was today. He'd gotten pretty good at hiding it, and if it hadn't already been wearing him down for hours, then he never would have snapped and starting talking to it in front of his friends.

Natsu eyed him sadly. "It's not so bad, huh?"

Gray let out a breath and turned away. Dropping to the ground, he sat cross-legged on the grass and stared out at the river moodily.

"I want to rip my brain out of my head," he admitted. He clearly wasn't fooling anyone, and he'd honestly rather not go to the guild and risk having a total meltdown in front of everyone.

After a moment's pause, grass crunched quietly as Natsu and Lyon moved to join him, one settling on each side of him. Gray braced himself for the slew of questions he knew was coming.

"What does it say to you?" Lyon asked.

Like hell he'd tell them that.

"Nothing important."

"Gray…"

"Seriously."

"You said once that it called you to the void," Natsu said. "But it sounds like–"

"Look, I wasn't lying," Gray interrupted. "It can harass me all it wants, but it can't actually force me to do anything. It's not accomplishing anything here."

(('Oh really? You're miserable, aren't you? Eventually you'll give up just to get away from it all.'))

"Look, if you'd just tell us–" Lyon tried.

"I don't want to talk about it. Seriously, all I have to do is spend a couple hours waiting it out and then it'll die down again. I'm fine."

"If you're so fine, then why are you here?" Natsu asked.

Gray shrugged and trailed a hand through the river's current, watching his pale fingers swirl the water about. "I don't know. I was wandering around and eventually I just ended up here. It seems like we all always wind up here."

"Not just the river. Why are you at this part of the river?"

"Huh?" Gray frowned over at Natsu in confusion. "What do you mean?"

The dragon slayer's lips tightened and he nodded out at the water. Gray leaned forward and caught a glimpse of a shadowy object at the bottom of the river.

"Oh," he said, finally recognizing the spot. "This is where we dropped my gravestone in, isn't it?"

"What?" Lyon demanded.

"It is," Natsu agreed neutrally.

"I didn't particularly mean to come here," Gray responded with a shrug, withdrawing his hand from the water. "It's a coincidence."

"Is it?"

"I think so."

(('Or maybe you came because you still feel the draw to death, to oblivion.'))

Gray didn't think so. He'd been too distracted by the curse to be paying much attention to where he was going. He hadn't come here intentionally, although he supposed it was possible to make an argument about subconscious impulses.

'He doesn't know what's going on, but Natsu is out of sorts and quiet today. When he asks what's on Natsu's mind, the dragon slayer says "nothing", an automatic response that makes it clear something is wrong. He doesn't know what that might be, but he teases Natsu a bit and drags the dragon slayer out on an impromptu job. He keeps sneaking glances to make sure that Natsu is still doing alright, but the dragon slayer seems to be in much better spirits.

Still, when he drops Natsu off later that night he hesitates, unsure if there's anything else he can do. But Natsu seems happy enough now, so he just pulls Happy aside and asks the Exceed to keep an eye on the dragon slayer. Happy nods solemnly and thanks him. He doesn't know why. Natsu is his friend, and this is what friends do. He doesn't need thanks for that.

When he goes home, he worries a little more. Sure, Natsu seemed fine, but what if the distraction wasn't enough? Maybe he should have done something more.

The next day, he looks for Natsu in the guild. The dragon slayer is laughing and generally making a nuisance of himself. He looks at Natsu's eyes and everything seems normal. Happy meets his gaze, and gives him a small smile and a half-shrug. He relaxes. Maybe he finally managed to do something right after all.'

.

'Did your "nothings" mean that nothing was wrong or that you just didn't want to tell the others? Does hiding it really help?'

"Gray, why won't you just tell us what's wrong?" Natsu asked. "What is it that the curse is saying? What's been bothering you so much lately?"

Gray sighed, unable to come up with anything to say that wouldn't make things a hundred times worse. "Nothing."

"Do you remember that night when you woke up and we walked the city?" Natsu asked after studying him silently for several long seconds.

Gray nodded. That was the night they'd invited his landlady to dinner and he'd shut down on them. The curse had been aggressive that day, and had woken him up with dreams of the void again. And then he'd accidentally woken Natsu up, and the two of them had ended up wandering the streets for a while. Gray had a bad feeling that he knew where this was going.

"No," Lyon grumbled, clearly tired of being left out of the conversation. "I don't."

Natsu ignored him. "You remember how I talked about that time when you'd asked me what was on my mind and I said 'nothing', but you knew something was wrong anyway and spent all day trying to make me feel better?"

Gray looked away. "Yeah. Natsu, you don't have to feel bad about all the times I threw you off with my stupid red herrings. I've had a lot of practice hiding things. And you did help. I'd end up distracting myself too, and just being around you would eventually help me start feeling better anyway. You might not have known you were helping, but you were."

"That's good," Natsu said after a long moment. "But it's not going to be enough this time. No more hiding things, Gray. I want to know what your 'nothing' is. Tell us."

"Please," Lyon added quietly.

Gray remained silent for a long time, staring down at the shadowy outline of his gravestone at the bottom of the river. Then he let his breath out in a shuddering sigh, uncrossing his legs so that he could draw his knees to his chest and wrap his arms around them. Dropping his chin onto his knees, he stared down at the water, steadfastly not looking at his friends.

"Yes, okay, fine. Usually the curse isn't that bad, usually I'm barely even aware of it, but it's always there. It's always there, and sometimes it gets loud again. Today it was especially loud and made me dream again, so I got up early and walked around the city for a while and eventually ended up here."

"This is why you've been so tired lately?" Lyon suggested hesitantly.

Gray winced. "Yeah. Sorry I fell asleep on you the other day."

"It's fine. I could tell you needed it."

"Well, it helped, I suppose. I seem to get less nightmares when I'm around you all."

Something about being around his friends seemed to help ward off the curse a little. Maybe it was just that he didn't pay it as much attention when he was with them, or maybe because he felt loved it was harder for the curse to convince him otherwise. As awkward as waking up on Lyon had been, Gray had slept better than he had in weeks. And when he'd half woken at one point, feeling Lyon's arm around him and hearing the older mage's steady heartbeat in his ear had been comforting enough to lull him back into a dreamless sleep.

"Now tell us the rest," Natsu pressed.

Gray didn't want to. He really, really didn't.

(('Because you don't want them to know how messed up you are. Because they'll look at you differently again and start wondering what they're doing with a freak like you who doesn't belong with them anymore.'))

Gray sighed. "No, that's not why," he murmured resignedly. "They aren't going to like what they hear, and it will only make things hurt more."

"Gray?" Lyon asked cautiously.

Gray narrowed his eyes and kept his gaze fixed on the water. "My life is full of holes," he said, hugging his knees closer to his chest. "I lost seven years with Tenrou, there was that hiccup after the Games with the dragonlings, I lost another year and a half in the void, and even afterwards I spent months not being quite myself. Tenrou and the void might be the worst, honestly, because that time I missed is just gone. Like, there's nothing to mark its passing, no sign that I even existed then at all. Hell, I didn't even age. At least after the void I was still here. I can still feel how that time passed."

"No aging, huh? Maybe you discovered the secret to eternal life after all." Natsu's words were clearly meant to be joking, but they fell flat.

"I don't want eternal life," Gray whispered. "I just want my life. I want one single life that isn't broken up and interrupted. One single life where I can make my own choices and it doesn't feel like someone else is living for me half the time."

"Gray–"

"I still feel like two different people sometimes," he said abruptly, before he lost his nerve.

(('Funny. Seems like you can only be two people or none at all. Either you're broken into pieces or you don't even exist. Doesn't the void seem like a much better option? At least if you're nothing, you can't be broken.'))

"Stop," he whispered. "For once, just stop."

(('It's all or nothing. You come to the void and give it all up, or this goes on forever.'))

"Gray, it's okay," Lyon murmured. "We're here."

He reached out to touch the younger mage's arm to snap him out of it, and Gray had to fight the instinctive urge to flinch back. It only made him feel worse. Sometimes when he was closest to his post-void mindset or the curse was particularly strong, he still felt echoes of the things he had felt back then, including his uneasiness around Lyon and the others he had once termed 'screamers'. It usually only lasted a second or two before fading away, but he hated it. He was so very, very careful not to let them see it, because he didn't want to see all of that old hurt resurfacing in their eyes again.

Gray hummed noncommittally but couldn't meet Lyon's eyes. He couldn't help the instinctive reactions, but they made him feel ashamed all the same.

"Talk to us instead of the curse," Natsu said. "I'm sure that focusing on it will only make it worse."

Gray didn't want to tell them about everything that was still wrong with him, but he was worn down and right on the edge of snapping. He was tired of keeping secrets. He was so tired of not being able to talk to anyone besides the curse. Before he could stop himself, the words began pouring out of his mouth in a tangled, rambling mess.

"I was the same person the whole time. I can remember the things I did and said and thought and felt. And they were me, but they were also different because I was different, and sometimes it's hard to connect to them. I think it's because of all those gaps in my life. Because people change and that's normal, but they change over time. I didn't. I basically woke up one day and was a different person. There was no gradual transition. I was me and then I wasn't, and now I'm somewhere in between."

"Gray, you–" Lyon tried.

"I switch back and forth sometimes. Sometimes I feel more like I used to before the void, but sometimes I feel more like I did after. Usually I'm somewhere in between, but I'm still trying to figure out how to blend my two selves together.

"And all the shifting and trying out new personality blends is really tiring because I don't know exactly who I am right now, which makes it hard to figure out how I should think or act. It's especially bad with relationships, I think. Like, our friendships were different before the void than after. They used to be more tough love, but then they became more open and dependent. And if I feel like more of my old self then it can be kind of uncomfortable when we get more touchy-feely because we never used to do that, but sometimes that's what I want now.

"I know you guys have just as hard a time trying to figure out how you're supposed to treat me now too. It would be easier if I still had a steady personality, so I try to stay consistent, I really do. And I try to be my old self, because that's who you want and because I liked myself better then too. But I don't want to completely ignore who I became either, because that's what he—I—thought was going to happen." Gray let out a shaky breath and started rocking back and forth, his eyes glazing over. "Because he—I—thought that there was maybe only room for one of us, so when he went looking for me in Isvan, he thought it was going to be kind of like dying, you know? Like maybe he'd just disappear or something because if only one of us could be here then it should be me, because I belonged here and he didn't."

Gray broke off and dropped his head into his hands. "Because I thought that. God, it's such a mess. I know it was me, I can feel the things he felt and understand what went through his mind, but sometimes it's easier to think about him as sort of a different person who's kind of me and kind of not. And it helps my sanity, a little. When I start comparing who I was before the void and after the void and now, it gets confusing and sometimes it's easier if I make the distinction between all of those different selves, even though I know that they're all really just me."

He forced himself to stop talking so that he could take a few deep breaths and try to calm down. His hands were trembling and he was feeling jittery and anxious again. Thinking about this stuff too closely always did that to him, and the curse wasn't helping.

"Gray," Natsu breathed.

Startled out of his reverie, Gray stared at the dragon slayer uncomprehendingly, taking in his horrified expression. He had almost forgotten Natsu was there. Glancing over at Lyon, he saw that the older man looked just as upset.

He'd gone and screwed things up real good this time.

"I wasn't supposed to tell you that," he mumbled, wrapping his arms around himself and dropping his gaze to the ground. "It's not always that bad. If I don't think about it too much, then I can gloss over the inconsistencies and focus on the broader picture. It's just that if I look too closely, I can see all the uneven edges where the different sides of me don't quite match up anymore. It'll get better once I've had more time to work things out. It's only bothering me so much today because the curse is loud."

For a moment, neither Natsu nor Lyon could find the words to speak.

"Shit," Natsu said finally, stunned. "I thought it might take you a little time to settle down and work things out, but I didn't think it was this bad. You seemed to adjust so quickly and go back to normal so fast that I suspected that maybe you were hiding some things, but …"

"We want to help you, Gray," Lyon said. "Why didn't you just tell us?"

Gray shrugged. "After everything that's happened… It would be easier if things had just gone back to normal. So I tried to make them go back to normal. Besides, I wanted to fix this by myself."

"Because you got so dependent on us and you want to start becoming more independent again?" Natsu offered uncertainly

Gray let out a breath. "Something like that."

Lyon stirred and Gray glanced over before he could stop himself. The older mage's gaze had sharpened, and he was studying Gray with narrowed, knowing eyes.

"Because you thought it would be easier for us and we would be happier if you magically went back to your old self?" he suggested, the words only half a question. "Because you feel like you've put us through a lot of heartache these past months and you don't want to do that anymore?"

Gray's gaze slid away and he hugged his knees tighter as he stared out at the river. "Something like that."

Lyon let out his breath in a heavy sigh and Natsu shifted about unhappily, but Gray kept his eyes fixed steadfastly on the water. He hadn't meant for them to know any of this. Their fight should have ended the moment he got his memories back. They'd already done so much, and he didn't want them to have to worry about him anymore.

(('You always seem to hurt the people you love.'))

"Gray, we want to be there for you when something's wrong," Lyon said gently. "And if this is going back to how hard these past months have been on us, you have to know that none of it was your fault."

"I know that," Gray agreed.

(('But you hurt them anyway.'))

"Yes."

(('And in the end it's still your fault, because it was you the whole time, wasn't it?'))

"If I wanted your opinion, I'd ask for it," he said sourly.

(('They're your opinions, you know. They come from the things you've felt and thought.'))

He let out a breath. "I know."

(('Isn't that why you hate it so much? Because you know these are the things you don't want to admit to yourself. Because you know that, in the end, you're the one doing this to yourself.'))

"Well look at that, you've managed to make a valid point for once. Congratulations. Now be quiet."

"Gray?" Natsu asked.

Gray's head jerked up as he was startled out of his conversation with the curse. Then he sighed and rubbed at his face with his hands.

"I'm fine," he said, trying not to let the strain color his voice. "Look, I know that it was really hard for you guys, and I know that it wasn't my fault. It's not like I could do anything about it when I had no memories and didn't even understand how to feel properly. There was nothing I could have done."

(('That's what bothers you the most, isn't it? That in the beginning, you didn't even care about your friends.'))

Gray bit his lip, wishing that there weren't tears gathering in the corners of his eyes.

(('When you came back from the void, you were empty. Your friends cared about you, they loved you, but you felt nothing for them. And it bothers you because you thought that you'd always care about them, that nothing could ever change that. But something did. And if you could lose such a fundamental part of yourself, what might you lose next? You're scared that someday you might forget what they mean to you again, might lose the ability to care again, might lose something else entirely. It hurts, doesn't it? It hurts knowing that they loved you and you didn't deserve it because you didn't love them. That you ripped their hearts out because of it.'))

"Yes," he whispered, his voice wavering as he buried his face in his hands to hide the tears. "That's what hurts the most."

(('You really were a heartless monster, weren't you?'))

"I didn't have a choice. What was I supposed to do when you made it so that I couldn't even understand what it meant to care?"

(('Oh? And what's really changed? You still don't care about them the way you should, do you?'))

"I do!" Gray cried. It was the last straw. He curled over on himself and cried. "I do care, I do. I care so much."

(('But you didn't.'))

"I'm sorry!" he wailed. "I'm so sorry."

"Gray!"

Gray raised his head to stare at Natsu heartbrokenly, the dragon slayer's form blurry through the tears. Natsu's expression was a strange mix of horror and sorrow.

"It's okay," he said, his voice trembling slightly. "We know you care. We've always known that."

Gray dissolved into tears again. "But I didn't," he whispered brokenly. "When I came back from the void, I didn't care. I couldn't. I was incapable of caring because the void took away everything that made me human.

"And that–that's the part that's hardest to accept, the part that makes it the hardest for me to really believe I was that person." He let his breath out in shuddering sob. "Because you all meant so much to me and I always cared so much, but then suddenly I didn't. It's not my fault, but it still hurts and it hurt you and I'm sorry. It bothers me more than the amnesia, more than the goddamn curse hijacking my brain, more than anything else. How could I not care? I don't understand how I couldn't care."

Gray scrubbed at his face with trembling fingers and focused his anguished gaze on Lyon. The older mage looked just upset as Natsu, unshed tears glimmering in his eyes, and Gray knew he shouldn't say this, knew he'd been trying to hide this for months, but the words spilled out before he could stop them.

"And I care now, I swear I do, but sometimes it's different. When I feel the closest to the void, when the curse is the strongest, sometimes even just at random times, I'll feel like I did then." His tears turned Lyon into an indistinct blur of color. "Sometimes, for just a second, I'll look at you and feel that same wariness that I did after the void. And it's not fair, because I do care and I shouldn't feel that way ever. I care, I really do, but I feel it anyway and I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry."

Gray pressed his forehead to his folded knees and wrapped his arms around his head as he cried, because he was too ashamed to look at his friends and he didn't want to see how much damage he had just caused.

'He's so tired of crying, but it's the anniversary today and it looks like he still has tears left to shed, even after all these years. He can't face the guild like this, so he wanders around the city and eventually ends up in the park. He doesn't know how long he's been sitting here, but he's past the point of caring if strangers see him now. Something touches his shoulder and he jumps in surprise, twisting about to see Lyon standing next to him, watching him with sad eyes. He opens his mouth to make any kind of excuse, but he has no words left, so he just bows his head as if that can hide the telltale tearstains. Lyon sighs and sits down, wrapping him in a tight hug.

He's not sure what exactly to make of this. He thinks that maybe it would be easier if Lyon still blamed him, still hated him, but things have changed, it seems. So instead, he fists his hands in Lyon's shirt and cries. Lyon will be hurting too and he should do something about it, but right now he's falling to pieces. Lyon says things in a quiet voice: that it's not his fault, that it's going to be okay, that he needs to let go of the past. And maybe he's already started that process by now, but hearing the words helps, just a little. Mostly it helps that Lyon has somehow managed to forgive him. If Lyon, who perhaps has the most reason to hate him out of anyone, has been able to move past this and forgive him, then maybe it's time that he starts really figuring out how to forgive himself.'

.

'Isn't the whole point of forgiving yourself that you do it yourself? Not that other people can't help, but…should you really have to wait on someone else? Stand up and do it yourself.'

There was a long pause, punctuated only by Gray's muffled sobs and ragged breaths. Then Lyon wrapped his arms around Gray, hesitated a moment as if unsure if his actions would be poorly received in the light of this newest revelation, and then pulled the younger mage into a tight hug. Gray felt that unwanted urge to pull away, but it evaporated quickly and he collapsed against Lyon instead, hiding his face in his brother's chest as he cried.

Lyon's grip tightened, and being here made Gray feel almost safe and warm and loved. But it made him feel bad too, because he'd still felt that instant of discomfort that Lyon didn't deserve. And Lyon would be upset about this too and Gray should say something to fix it, but he was crying too hard.

"It's okay, Gray," Lyon breathed, his voice cracking. "It's okay. It's not your fault."

(('Except that it is.'))

"I'm sorry," Gray sobbed. "I'm so sorry."

"You don't have anything to be sorry for." Lyon was obviously fighting to keep his voice steady, and it made Gray feel even worse. "It's not like we really expected everything to go back to normal right away. We know that you care. If you didn't before, then it was because you couldn't. But you certainly care now, and we know that. I know that. It's okay."

"Besides," Natsu added, clearing his throat, "things changed for the better. We could tell that you'd started caring about us eventually. You didn't have your memories, hadn't known us for more than a few months, but you started caring about us anyway."

That was true. The first couple weeks after the void had been the roughest. Gray had come back empty and hollow and numb. He hadn't understood emotions or what it meant to love someone, and he hadn't had any reason to care about anything. But that had started changing eventually. He had gotten to know his friends all over again from scratch, and had grown to love them in his own way. It hadn't been the same and he wasn't sure if he could really call it love when his understanding of the phenomenon had still been so skewed, but he had cared.

(('Well, it's only fair, isn't it? You hurt them by not caring but it didn't even bother you then, so you have to pay for it now. You hurt them, so now you can hurt yourself over it. Fair is fair.'))

Gray's hands tightened instinctively, his fingers clutching Lyon's shirt as he bowed his head even further. "I don't think it works like that," he mumbled, his voice muffled by the fabric.

(('Doesn't it? What is it that you're doing now, then?'))

One of Lyon's arms stayed firmly wrapped around Gray, while the other hand moved to run through his hair soothingly. "Sure it does," he murmured, not realizing that Gray hadn't been addressing them. "I told you the other day, didn't I? It meant a lot when you gave me another chance and tried to rebuild our relationship, even though I still made you uncomfortable. This wariness of–of me that you're talking about, it started back when you were still an amnesiac, right?"

"Yes," Gray choked out. "It never really went away. I mean it–it got better, but whenever I felt closest to the void, it would come back sometimes. I'm so sorry."

"You hid it."

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because I… Because I saw how unhappy it made you."

"Because you cared."

"I… Yes. Eventually I cared."

Lyon stayed silent for a moment and then sighed. "You did a good job," he said. "Those first few weeks were really hard and I could still see some of that wariness in your eyes when you looked at me for a while, but once you really started warming up to me, I didn't see it anymore. And I haven't seen it since you recovered your memories either.

"Gray… Does this not tell you anything? You were so messed up after the void, but after those first few weeks, you really tried. You weren't always very demonstrative about it, but we could tell that things were changing. You started out with nothing, but you learned to care about us anyway, even though you really didn't have to. You went after Natsu and brought him his scarf, you went after Erza when she ran off to the river, you tried to be patient with us when we tried too hard to make you remember. You hid the presence of the curse because you didn't want us to worry, the notebook because you didn't want us to get our hopes up, your wariness of me because you knew it would hurt me to see it.

"And you've been hiding things again, because you don't want us to worry. Gray, look, you obviously cared back then, maybe more than you realize. And you obviously care now too. We all know it. And yes, it hurts to hear that you can still be uncomfortable around me, but it hurts more to see you blaming yourself for something that isn't your fault."

"We know this hasn't been easy on you either," Natsu added quietly. "And if you couldn't really care about us the same way back in the beginning…We understand that. We understand."

(('Naïve fools. They understand even less than you do.'))

"Understand?" Gray repeated blankly. He curled closer to Lyon and laughed harshly into the older mage's chest. "You don't understand, not really. You can't."

There was a long pause.

"Maybe we don't understand it all, but we want to," Lyon said finally. "We want to understand you and what you're going through. Why don't you help us understand?"

"Can't," Gray mumbled. "It's not that simple."

"Try," Natsu urged, his voice taking on a pleading edge. "You keep hiding things to protect us, but all we really want is to know what's going on so that we can help you. Tell us what's been happening."

"I don't want to."

"Gray, please. We understand–"

Gray pushed against Lyon's chest abruptly, breaking out of the embrace and scooting back a couple paces. Ignoring Lyon's surprised grunt, he stared at his friends with feverish eyes as he buckled under the strain.

"What, exactly, do you understand?" he demanded. "Do you understand what it feels like to have something invade your mind and rip away everything you know and love? Do you understand what it feels like to not exist and yet still be able to feel yourself—or rather, someone who used to be you—die over and over again for an eternity? Do you understand what it feels like to suddenly be thrown into a world you didn't think could possibly exist, and be expected to turn into someone you don't know?

"Tell me," he said, his voice cracking, "do you understand what it feels like to see everyone around you hurting and know that it's your fault? What it's like when you barely feel human at all? What it's like when you don't even have a name, because you don't exist and the person 'your' name belonged to is dead? What it's like to think that you're living in someone else's body, taking over someone else's life, even if that person was you all along?"

Natsu and Lyon were looking more and more horrified by the second, but now that Gray had started, he couldn't seem to make himself stop.

"Do you understand what it feels like when someone is constantly hijacking your mind to show you things that belonged to them but never belonged to you? What it feels like to have a curse lurking in your mind that takes away everything as soon as you remember it, that takes your darkest thoughts and fears and twists them into something unrecognizable that it can use to drive you fucking insane? What it feels like to gradually learn to love the people around you, but know that you'll never be enough for them because they need someone else? To know that you don't deserve that love because you aren't the person they think you are?

"Do you understand what it feels like to have a lifetime of memories crammed into your head all at once and then torn away chunk by chunk until you're nearly as empty as you started? What it feels like to ask your friends to give up on you because you just can't stand to see them hurting themselves over you anymore? What it feels like to be crying and not know if your tears belong to you or someone else entirely?

"God," he breathed, deflating and curling into himself, "do you understand what it feels like to wake up and think it's all over, but realize that it's never, never going to end? That there's still something in your mind that will use your own thoughts against you to hound you into going back to a place that you both hate and love? Do you understand what it feels like to know that everything should be perfectly fine—you've got your memories, you've got your friends, everything should be over—but still not be able to let it go? I should be fine. Everything was fixed. I should be–I should be–"

He buried his face in his hands, the tears leaking through his fingers. "Do you understand what it's like when you can't talk to anyone but the curse that's causing all these problems in the first place? Because you can't tell anyone what's happening, because they've already been hurting for a long time and they deserve to be happy now. Because you know that you were the same person and that you belong here, but sometimes you can't quite feel it anymore. And you hate it, because you've got every reason to be okay, but somehow you still fail at even that simple little thing. Because you came back, but there are still parts of you that are broken, parts that don't quite match up, parts that still belong to the void, and you can't accept that about yourself."

Gray looked up, his heart breaking at the sight of the silent tears streaking his friends' faces. "Do you understand?" he asked brokenly. "Because I don't understand half of it, and I lived it. Do you understand me? Because I'm not the same. I try to be, but I'm not. I never just went back to normal. Do you know who I am? Because I don't, not anymore."

He hated seeing the pain and grief written all over his friends' faces, and hated himself for putting it there. He had never wanted them to know this. He didn't want to see the dawning realization that he wasn't really okay, that things weren't magically fixed. Gray just wanted them to be happy, and he knew that hearing this would not accomplish that.

(('Well, you really screwed that up, didn't you? Good job managing to hurt them again.'))

"You don't have to sound so happy about it," Gray whispered, closing his eyes and bowing his head. "I'm sorry," he breathed, to his friends this time. "I didn't want you to know that."

This time it was Natsu who cautiously inched forward to pull him into a hug. Gray let out a shuddering breath and leaned against him, shifting so that he ended up with his ear pressed to the dragon slayer's chest. Maybe Natsu had found comfort in the sound of breathing—or why else had he kept falling asleep with his ear pressed to Gray's door?—but for Gray it was heartbeats. He had noticed it when he'd fallen asleep on Lyon the other day, that just knowing that he was there was effective for pushing away the curse. The rhythmic thump of Natsu's heart muffled the curse's ugly words in one ear, and his voice drowned it out in the other.

"I do think that I know you, actually," Natsu said quietly. "Maybe you've changed some, and that's fine. Maybe there are still some things you need to work out, and that's fine too. I might not understand every detail of what you've gone through or how you've changed, but I still understand all the important parts of you. You'll always just be Gray to me. Some things might change, but deep down, you're still the same person that I've always cared about.

"Look, you're right that maybe we don't understand, but even just telling us this is at least helping us understand a little bit more, and we want to understand. We want to know what you're going through, because no matter what might have changed, we care about you anyway."

Gray curled into Natsu further, clutching him like a lifeline. He needed something to ground him, something to help him push aside the curse. Maybe this was it. His chest heaved and ached with silent sobs, but he just hid his face and stayed as quiet as possible, because he'd rather be able to hear his friends' voices.

"We should have–we should have suspected that you were still having some trouble with this," Lyon said, swallowing thickly. "I guess it's kind of silly to assume that things would have just gone back to normal without any consequences. You don't have to feel bad that you're still having trouble adjusting. And with all–with all those things you were–you were feeling, that you are feeling… It makes sense that you might need a little time to work through some things.

"But I think it will get better. You're so strong, Gray—you can do this, no matter how hard it is. But you don't have to do it alone, you know? We'll always–always be here for you. It's okay to lean on us when you're having a hard time. And when you finally figure out who you want to be from here, we'll stand by you then too. We've already accepted you for who you are, we'll accept you for who you become, and now you just need to accept yourself."

Gray was finally running out of tears, and their absence left him feeling lethargic and heavy. Twisting his head slightly but leaving it resting against Natsu, he studied Lyon with half-lidded eyes. The older mage was sitting close enough to touch, his hands clenched into helpless fists. His eyes betrayed his desperation, his worry and grief, even if the tear tracks down his cheeks hadn't given it away.

"You don't have to cry," Gray sighed. "It's going to be okay. I'm okay. Don't cry."

Lyon choked out a laugh and rubbed at his face. "You're crying," he said. "Of course I'm going to cry."

"Not anymore," Gray murmured. "I'm not crying anymore."

He tilted his head up to glance at Natsu's face, and was relieved to see that the dragon slayer's tears had already dried up. Natsu still looked pained, maybe his eyes were a little damp, but he wasn't crying. That was good.

Satisfied, Gray slid his head back to a more comfortable position and let his eyes drift shut. Soon he'd have to get up and face the curse and the guild, but for now he just needed a moment to rest and regroup. Just one little moment of peace before he had to face up to reality again.

"You know, for all you worry about us, we worry about you too," Natsu said. "We're here for you too. If you need this sometimes, you can always come to us."

Gray sighed quietly. "I know."

"Do you?" Lyon asked. "Because you were just going on about how you didn't feel like you could tell us what was happening."

"I know. It's both."

"It's like the spare key," Natsu said. "Like how I know I can go over to your apartment any time I need you because you told me I could, because you left the key there. We've got spare keys too, when you need us."

Gray looked up at Natsu with a frown, wondering why he was blathering about keys. Then he choked back a laugh.

"Did you just make a metaphor about keys?" he asked in disbelief.

Natsu flushed and scowled. "Shut up."

"Wow, I was taking it literally because you usually say such simpleminded things. Metaphorical keys." Gray chuckled and then broke off abruptly, blinking in surprise. This was the first time he'd felt like laughing since the curse had started its assault hours ago.

And perhaps that was the crux of the matter, because as much as he felt like he shouldn't burden his friends with his problems, he felt better when he was with them. He wasn't sure if he'd take Natsu up on his offer of the metaphorical key, but maybe, just maybe, he would try leaning on his friends a little more. Because the truth was that he needed them, and he wasn't sure if he'd be strong enough to do this on his own.

He knew that the next time the curse got strong he would feel just as reluctant to approach his friends with the truth, but while they were already here… He might as well make the most of this time.

Gray drew in a breath, held it for a moment, and then let it out slowly. Pushing himself away from Natsu, he sat cross-legged on the grass between his friends. He pulled the notebook out of his coat pocket and flipped it open absentmindedly.

Beside him, Natsu drew in a sharp breath. "Why do you still have that?" the dragon slayer demanded. Gray glanced over and raised an eyebrow, wondering why Natsu suddenly looked so afraid. "You said the curse wasn't taking your memories anymore. Gray, what else have you been hiding?"

Gray stared at him blankly before really registering what he was saying.

"Relax," he said. "The curse isn't taking my memories. I use this for something else now."

Natsu's knee-jerk panic faded a little, but he regarded Gray with new suspicion. "For what?"

Gray sighed and returned his gaze to the notebook in question, his eyes flitting across the pages as he turned them slowly. He skimmed over all those jumbled pieces of memory and the extra comments that his amnesic self had left underneath in an attempt to figure them out, to figure Gray out. He had looked over the contents of this notebook so many times that he practically knew the words by heart now.

"Now I use it to help me try to figure out how I fit together," he said. He reached the end of the first section of the book, and there was a blank page marking the shift. Turning it over, the start of the new section stared back up at him.

"When I have a hard time figuring out how my pre- and post-void selves fit together, I sometimes try to write my thoughts out," he explained. "What changed, what's still the same, how my thought process and feelings worked. I try to reconcile those sides of myself and meld them together to see who I'm becoming. Or when I'm upset, I write down my thoughts and then try to sort them out since they get kind of jumbled up sometimes."

He continued flipping through the notebook slowly, his lips quirking into a sad half-smile as he glanced over the torrent of anguish and confusion spilled out on each page. Mostly the whole thing was a collection of questions. How could he not have cared? How could he have done the things he'd done and felt the ways he'd felt? What kind of relationships did he really want to have with his friends now—the new or the old or something in between? Who was he now? Why were things still so hard even though everything should be better?

There were some frenzied attempts to answer those questions, to match up the pieces of the before and after so that he could make a now, but they hadn't been very successful. Sometimes his normally neat handwriting would devolve into messy scrawl as he raced to put his thoughts onto paper. And because words never seemed to be able to really capture the magnitude of the mess inside his head, there were frequent scratched-out paragraphs where he'd grown frustrated and scribbled over everything.

"Does it help?" Lyon asked.

Gray smiled wanly. "Not really."

He flipped to the next page and paused. The entire page had originally been covered in his hasty scrawl, but it had been obliterated by angry black pen marks so thick that the original writing was no longer visible. The gouges were so deep that the paper had ripped in a few places, and he knew that the indentations of the strokes would be visible on many of the later pages as well.

"Damn." Natsu let out a low whistle. "What happened there?"

"I got frustrated," Gray said. "I ruined my favorite pen."

"What were you frustrated with?" Lyon asked, eyeing him shrewdly.

Gray ran his fingers over the mangled page, feeling the sharp creases and grooves underneath his fingertips. He'd been frustrated over a lot of things: how he had treated his friends when he didn't remember them, how he had been stupid enough not to have realized that he could have taken his memories back at any time, how he couldn't seem to let this whole thing go even though he had every reason to be grateful and happy.

"Myself," he said finally. "I was frustrated with myself."

Ignoring the look Lyon and Natsu exchanged, Gray turned the page and left that particular memory behind. "It's never really helped, because this is too complicated for the words I try to use," he said, flipping through the last few pages with writing on them. He stared down at the next blank page and thumbed through the last few remaining sheets. "I guess it was kind of hypocritical of me to say that you didn't know how to let go. I've never been any good at it either.

"I wasn't very good at letting go of my past for a while there—it took a long time to work through it. I wasn't any good at letting go of some of the thoughts and feelings I should've gotten rid of a long time ago, which is only giving the curse more material to work with. And even now, I just can't seem to let go, which is why I'm in this mess even though things should be okay."

He sighed and tapped his finger against the empty page. "Maybe I've been letting go of the things I should be holding on to, and holding on to the things I should be letting go of. I let go of myself and asked you to do the same, and although it was a justified decision, it was the wrong one. And I've been so busy holding on to the things that happened since the void that maybe I've lost sight of what I should really be hanging on to instead."

He'd been so busy trying to figure himself out on his own, armed only with a notebook and a pen, that perhaps he'd forgotten that he would only be able to discover who he'd become if he really lived. Would he ever really be able to discover himself on paper? This was probably something he'd have to figure out over time, based on the decisions and choices he made now.

"Maybe I should let it go," he murmured. He turned back and started methodically ripping out all those pages he had been writing over these past couple weeks.

"What are you doing?" Natsu squawked in surprise.

Gray shrugged and continued on his quiet rampage. "I don't think I need this anymore." He tore out the last of the latest section, the pages piled neatly on the ground beside him, and then paused to glance over the last memory his amnesic self had written down. "Paper memories, huh?" he mused, smiling ruefully as he recalled how he had used to think about this notebook when he'd had no real memories to work with. "Silly. Memories aren't made of paper. But I suppose that I didn't know any better at the time."

He moved on to tearing out the pages of old memories, not allowing himself to linger over them. The first half of this notebook had been devoted to trying to figure out who he had been before the void—his amnesic self's attempts to make sense of the person he was supposed to be. The second half had been used for trying to figure out his amnesic self and how his before and after fit together. Fat lot of good it had done him.

Gray finished his chore and stared at the ravaged notebook, his fingers absently riffling through the dozen or so blank pages that still remained. These last pages, he decided, would be his new beginning. The rest of the book would stay blank.

He would let go of all his desperate attempts to make sense of himself and just accept things the way they were. Instead of filling the pages with his confused rambling, he would leave them blank and make his own choices without worrying about trying to puzzle out why he had made them and what they might mean for him. It was time to let go of the past and all this futile searching, and look to the future, taking each day as it came. He thought that he could probably figure out who he was without this crutch.

It would, of course, be easier said than done. Right now he was feeling pretty confident about his decision, but he knew that actually accomplishing all this would be difficult. But it was a start, and he would never get anywhere unless he took that first step.

"And what are you going to do with all of that?" Lyon asked.

Gray closed what remained of the notebook and slipped it back into his coat pocket as he turned to stare contemplatively at the pile of papers beside him.

"Hmm…"

Shrugging, he picked up a few of the pages from the top of the stack and began ripping them into smaller pieces, like confetti. The feeling of paper shredding beneath his fingers was satisfying and empowering, and he suddenly wanted to rip up the whole damn thing. So he gave the same treatment to the other pages as well, ignoring his friends' confused queries.

When he'd finished, he gathered up all the pieces as best he could, brushing off the ones that fell to the wayside, and stood. As a breeze blew off the river and swirled around him, he tossed his armful of shredded 'memories' into the air. The wind picked them up and carried them along, and soon the air was filled with a whirlwind of dancing paper.

Gray felt his lips curve upwards as he watched the spectacle in satisfaction.

"A little overdramatic, isn't it?" Lyon asked dryly as he pulled himself to his feet.

Gray shrugged again. "Yeah, probably. But it makes me feel better."

He supposed that it was more symbolic than anything else—a way for him to let go of the physical manifestation of his attempts to jam together the pieces of himself, even if actually letting go of the underlying issue would be more difficult. But still, there was something uplifting about getting rid of it all. Part of him wanted to reach out and snatch up all the pieces, try to put them all back together because it felt a little like he was throwing himself away again, but mostly he felt lighter, like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders.

"Wow, you really made a mess," Natsu commented. "Way to trash the entire river."

Gray laughed. "It's paper—the elements will break it down."

He thought that maybe it was fitting that he had done this here, where he and Natsu had dropped his gravestone into the river. That whole incident had been for helping Natsu let go and find closure, and this now was supposed to do something similar for Gray. And he figured that if he needed to bury all these pieces of his past somewhere so that he could move forward, he might as well bury them alongside the gravestone.

(('Or maybe you just like it because deep down, you still feel the pull to death and nonexistence. You will always belong to the void.))

"Oh, are you back again?" Gray asked indulgently.

He reached out and plucked one of the fluttering shreds of paper from the air as the blizzard began to abate, the rest of the paper settling downward to coat the grass and float in the river. Turning the paper over in his hands, he smiled slightly as he saw the word written there. There were broken pieces of words cut off by the ragged tears edging the scrap, but he only really cared about the word scrawled right across the center. Smiling to himself, he began carefully paring down the shred of paper, tearing off thin strips until the other words were gone and only one remained. It was quite a fortuitous coincidence that out of all the words that had been floating in the air, he had managed to find exactly the one he needed.

"Well, you're right," he said as he worked on purifying the paper scrap. "I belonged there once, but only after you took away everything that made me myself. And part of me, the part you twisted and changed and broke, will always belong there, I think. But in the end, I still belong here. I always have."

(('You still feel the pull. You long for the void.'))

"That's true too," Gray agreed mildly. "But it scares me as much as it entices me. I don't want to go back, so I won't."

He'd always thought that the fact that the curse used his own feelings and thoughts made it harder to combat, but although there was some truth to that, it also made it easier in a way. Gray might have felt these things once, but he'd been overcoming them, hadn't he? He'd done it before—mostly—so he already had a template for how to face their reemergence.

(('You don't have a choice–'))

"Stupid," he interrupted, shaking his head. "There's always a choice. Shouldn't you know that? You know everything I know, and I know that. And let's be honest, if you could force me to go back then you would have done it already. It's ultimately my choice and you can't force me. So if I choose not to play your games, what are you going to do about it?"

Gray waited, but the curse didn't respond. He smiled to himself. "That's what I thought."

It occurred to him that he usually thought of the curse as belonging to the void, but maybe it wasn't that simple. Maybe it wasn't him, or part of him, that still belonged to the void, but rather was that the curse now belonged to him. He had spent a lot of time trying to figure out how all the pieces of himself had changed and fragmented, and even more time trying to fit them back together again. Perhaps the curse was really just another one of these pieces, one that hadn't exactly been part of him before but was now. Or maybe it was some combination of both. In either case, the curse was just one more piece of the puzzle that was himself. And he would figure it out, someday.

Gray turned to look at Natsu and Lyon, now that the curse had been temporarily silenced and his paper blizzard had fizzled out of existence. They were watching him cautiously, and he couldn't exactly blame them. He figured it must be disconcerting to watch him talk to something they couldn't see or hear.

"I'm ready to go back to the guild now," he said, slipping the last shred of paper into his pocket.

His friends eyed him curiously, but he just shrugged. Let them wonder.

"Are you sure?" Natsu asked.

Gray nodded. "Yeah. I'm sure."

With one last backward glance at the river and all that was buried there, he started up the bank. After a moment, Lyon and Natsu followed and fell into step, one on either side of him.

"You know," Natsu said carefully, "if you need some more time and you aren't really ready yet, you can stay here for a bit instead of coming with us to Alvarez. The others will understand. And I'm sure Lyon wouldn't mind staying with you."

"You could definitely stay with me," Lyon agreed hurriedly.

Gray chuckled. "Relax. I'm not going to have a breakdown in enemy territory and jeopardize our mission."

"That's not why–"

"I know," he interrupted, eyeing his friends with amusement. "But seriously, I'll be fine. I think it'll be good for me—give me an opportunity to make my own choices and figure out where to go from here. And it's been forever since I've been out on a real mission. Besides, I want to help find Jii-chan. It'll feel good to have the whole guild back together again."

The guild just hadn't felt right when he hadn't quite been himself and Jii-chan was missing. One of those issues had been resolved, and Gray was looking forward to helping fix the other. Besides, he missed the old geezer.

"Oh, and he'll still think you're dead," Lyon said with a sigh, shaking his head in sudden resignation. "And with how old he is, your sudden resurrection will probably give him a heart attack."

Gray just laughed. "He's tough. I think he'll survive."

Natsu cracked a smile. "I think it would take more than that to kill the old man. Although, after everything he's been through, that would be a pretty pathetic way to go."

Lyon's lips quirked upwards for a moment, before his face set itself back into worried lines. "Are you sure you'll be alright?" he asked quietly.

"Yeah, you worry too much," Gray said. "Relax. I'm sure you can count on Natsu to mother-hen me the whole time, and the rest of the guild is still ridiculously overprotective too. Just because you won't be there doesn't mean that I'll be alone."

"Alright," Lyon said reluctantly.

Gray smirked. "Don't worry, you can fuss over me all you want when I get back."

Lyon stared at him for a second before laughing and finally relaxing a little. "I'll hold you to that. You'll be sick and tired of me by the end."

Gray's smirk melted into a slight wisp of a smile. "Never," he murmured, glancing away.

They turned a corner and the guild hall came into view. Lyon just swallowed hard and stayed quiet as they walked the last few paces. Gray paused outside the building for a moment, before pushing the doors open to reveal the jumble of mages within.

"Home sweet home," he said fondly.

'He tells his friends that he isn't feeling well so he's going home early to rest. He doesn't know how convincing this is to the team since they saw him fall apart on Galuna a couple weeks ago, but it's hitting him hard today and he wants to be alone.

He really is planning to sleep even though it's not even dark yet, because he's just tired of hurting and he wants a reprieve. It takes him a long time to fall asleep and he wakes up only a couple hours later, gasping in panic as he breaks free of a nightmare. The walls seem to be closing in on him, so he shoves his way out of his apartment and walks the streets restlessly instead.

He runs into Lucy and half-wishes that he'd just stayed inside. She asks if he's alright, so he says he's fine and asks what she's doing. She says that Natsu and Happy took over her apartment again and she threatened to call Erza to make them leave. She could hardly fail to follow through on her threat, but she already looked in the guild and Erza went home for the night.

He offers to walk her home and remove the intruders, mostly because he's decided that maybe he doesn't really want to be alone right now after all. Maybe she senses that, because she gives him a concerned look and accepts. He takes her home and drags Natsu outside, and they throw a few halfhearted punches until the dragon slayer freezes and asks if he's feeling better. He shrugs and says yes. Natsu exchanges a look with Happy and then they say that they'll walk him home to make sure he actually stays there this time.

He puts up a few feeble protests, but walks with them without much of a fuss. He could use the company for a few minutes. When they reach his apartment, Natsu hesitates and starts exchanging those weird looks with Happy again. He waits patiently, knowing that he and Natsu are both too proud to offer or accept any more help than has already been given. Sure enough, Natsu says goodnight and leaves with Happy, throwing him one last glance.

He wonders if he has that haunted look in his eyes again. He knows that it's there sometimes even if he tries to hide it, and it seems like maybe his friends could read something in his face tonight. He checks in the mirror to be sure, but the broken look he's expecting isn't there, even though it was probably there a few minutes ago. There's a little melancholy, a little hurt, but his lips are curved upwards in the faintest of half-smiles. Maybe, he reflects, leaving the guild early today hadn't been such a great decision. As much as he always thinks he wants to be alone when he's upset, he always seems to feel much better when he's with his friends.'

.

'If you felt better with your friends, why did you always hide things and run off by yourself? Wouldn't it be better to let them in instead of shut them out?'

Gray stood in the doorway, his eyes devouring the scene hungrily. The guild had a cheery atmosphere, with everyone laughing and joking around. Now that their rescue plans had been finalized and they'd agreed to head to Alvarez within the next couple days, some of the tension had faded. They were enjoying these last couple days before embarking on their newest adventure.

They didn't notice Gray and the others immediately, so he took a second to really study and appreciate them. There was Happy trying to flirt with an aloof Charle, his gift of fish untouched as Wendy unsuccessfully pleaded with her Exceed to be friendlier. Erza appeared singularly uninterested in anything besides the piece of strawberry cake in front of her. Lucy was trying to talk to Levy, but kept breaking off to yell at Loke for flirting with her. Gajeel had given up on trying to get Levy's attention without admitting that was what he was doing, and ended up gravitating towards Juvia and Pantherlily instead. Cana, of course, was happily drinking away beside Macao and Wakaba, her cards spread out in front of her.

"Some things never change," Gray remarked, smiling faintly.

It was nice to see everyone acting more like themselves again. Some things had certainly changed, but there was something comforting about the familiarity of seeing Happy's unsuccessful flirting or Erza's continued love of strawberry cake. In a world where a lot had changed and Gray was still uncertain of how he himself was different, it felt good to see that some things were still the same despite everything that had happened.

"Of course," Lyon said from behind him. "The same goes for you too, you know. You might have changed some, but in a lot of important ways, you're still very much the same."

Gray let out a breath and nodded. "Yeah. I know."

Erza looked up from her plate and finally noticed the newcomers. "Oh good, you're back," she said, sounding almost relieved. Then she frowned and peered at Gray more closely. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah," he replied. "I'm fine."

Erza's announcement had attracted everyone else's attention as well, and they dutifully looked over to greet the new arrivals. There were some cheerful greetings and a little teasing, but only for a few seconds. Gray noticed that they had started giving him funny looks, and some of their joviality was melting away into concern. He wondered if it was really that obvious that he'd just had a massive meltdown.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Lucy asked cautiously.

"Of course," Gray said dismissively. "Everything is fine."

"Do you want some cake? Strawberry cake is great for making you feel better," Erza suggested.

"Uh… No thanks?" Gray gave her a bemused look. Wow, something must be very obviously off about him if she was offering up her precious cake. Then it hit him, and he turned back to look at Lyon and Natsu. "Is it really that bad?"

"You look pretty terrible," Natsu admitted.

Gray sighed. He'd been crying pretty hard earlier, as embarrassing as it was to admit. Of course there would still be signs of it. His eyes still felt tender and sore from all the tears, so he could only imagine how awful they actually looked.

"Awesome," he grumbled, returning his attention back to the rest of the guild. "Seriously guys, I'm alright."

"Do you think that maybe you should tell them?" Lyon asked, his voice subdued. "You shouldn't keep hiding things."

Gray surveyed the sea of uncertain faces wearily. Telling everything to Lyon and Natsu had already put him through the wringer. Even thinking about going through all that again so quickly made him feel tired and heavy. He shook off the feeling.

"Maybe later," he said. "I'm actually feeling better now, and I'd rather not drag it all up again so quickly. I'd much rather just enjoy the good mood. It took a lot of effort to get it, and I don't want to lose it again now."

"You should come clean with them at some point," Lyon cautioned.

"Yeah. But give me time to sort some things out first." Gray wasn't sure he'd tell the others everything, but he knew that he should really be honest with them. He just needed some time to figure out how to handle these issues in a better way first, so that he could explain what had been going on without getting as emotional as he had today. No more breakdowns.

He smiled at his guildmates reassuringly. "You guys worry too much." He definitely wanted to reinstate the cheerful mood that had lingered in the hall before he'd walked in, but how…? An idea hit him and he turned to Natsu, grinning widely. "Hey, flame brain, wanna fight? It's been a long time."

Gray was, in fact, itching for a fight, if only because he missed them. He hadn't really been in a brawl since the void, not even after he'd gotten his memories back. That was partly because he knew the others were having a difficult time readjusting to his normal self again and he didn't want to push them until they were ready, but also because Natsu hadn't tried starting anything. Gray wasn't sure if it was a holdover from how he'd needed to be treated while he was an amnesiac, or if perhaps Natsu had been waiting for him to initiate the return of the habit as well. Perhaps each party was just worried about how fragile the other might still be. Whatever the case, neither of them had been confident enough to start the fights up again, and Gray was ready for that to change.

"Absolutely not," Erza said, instantly distracted. "We do not need the hall destroyed again, especially when we'll be leaving soon."

Gray gave her a crooked grin. "Come on Erza," he wheedled. "You know you miss it. The guild could use a good brawl, and it's been a long time since I've gotten to whack Natsu around."

Erza wavered, but an answering smile tugged at the corners of her lips. "Oh, alright," she said in defeat, trying to hide the sudden gleam in her eyes.

Gray smirked and looked back at Natsu. "What do you say, flame brain?"

Natsu was positively aglow with excitement, bouncing up and down on his heels in childish anticipation, his eyes shining and a wide grin on his face. Then he suddenly seemed to freeze, and his excitement drained away.

"This isn't just because you're upset, is it?" he asked.

Gray frowned in confusion. He racked his brain but came up empty. "No? What do you mean?"

Natsu began digging through his pocket. It took him several seconds to find what he was looking for, but he eventually pulled out a folded up piece of paper. Unfolding the page and trying unsuccessfully to smooth out the creases, Natsu handed it to Gray wordlessly.

Gray took it and read it over, his eyes widening as he recognized the words.

'He's young, a child even if he maybe doesn't feel like one anymore. Sad that day. Guilty? Something's wrong, but he doesn't want to be sad anymore. Better to be angry—it hurts less. He's really angry at himself, but it's so much easier to look for reasons to be angry at everything—everyone—else instead. But it still hurts, and he needs to hurt on the outside the same way he hurts on the inside. A distraction? A punishment? He isn't sure.

Easiest way is to find Natsu and start a fight. Today he lets Natsu win because he needs to feel the loss, maybe because he deserves it. But he puts up a fight first because he needs the pain of the punches and kicks, because they hurt less than the heartache. He realizes that it isn't fair. He's basically using Natsu now, goading the dragon slayer into hurting him because he's afraid that if he does it himself, he'll never be able to stop. All the anger he made himself feel for Natsu is fading now, turning inwards because that's where it belonged all along. He wants to apologize, even opens his mouth to say it, but the words stick in his throat and he just limps away instead. He tells himself that this is the last time this will happen, that he'll be nicer to Natsu and all the others and won't try to goad them into helping him punish himself anymore, but he knows that it's a lie and he hates himself for it.'

.

'That can't possibly be healthy. What a screwed up kid.'

Behind him, Lyon exhaled shakily, and Gray knew the older man was reading over his shoulder.

"Where did you get this?" he asked. It should be in pieces, scattered over the riverbank along with everything else he had torn from the notebook, but here it was.

Natsu shifted uncomfortably. "I, uh, took it out of the notebook. There were a lot of things in there that bothered me, but this one stuck with me the most. Sorry, I probably shouldn't have done that, but…"

Gray sighed and let his fingers brush across the inked words absently. He wondered how long ago Natsu had removed this. Somehow he had never even noticed that it was missing, despite how often he'd looked over the notebook's contents.

"I never meant for you to see this," he said. "You weren't supposed to know. There were a lot of things in that notebook that I never would have shown you if I was in my right mind."

"I'd rather know," Natsu said shortly. "I'd prefer it if you'd stop hiding everything."

Gray wondered if maybe this paper was part of the reason Natsu hadn't tried initiating a fight yet. He hadn't meant to make his friend doubt such an integral part of their friendship.

"Maybe you're right," he said, subdued. "Hiding things is what got me into this mess in the first place, isn't it?"

He fell silent, debating what to say. He frowned down at the writing, focusing on the last two sentences. His amnesic self had often written comments after transcribing the memories, in an attempt to understand 'Gray' better. And oddly enough, those comments had been the most helpful thing about the notebook. Without his memories, Gray hadn't had the same context for each snippet of memory and had been removed from his normal mindset. He hadn't had the same guilt or sadness or fear that had colored them, and therefore he had been able to look at them more objectively.

In a way, it had helped him start coming to terms with some of the things from his past. That commentary had made good points, and revealed truths that Gray had always known on some level but had a hard time accepting. Reading over them again gave him a new perspective on not only his memories, but also on his state of mind before this whole mess. Sometimes getting a stranger's point of view was helpful, especially if that stranger was yourself.

Maybe he should have followed his own amnesic self's advice from the start and gone to the guild when he needed help, rather than hiding everything. He never had seemed to like being alone as much as he thought he did.

"Yes," he said finally, "I felt this way once. But you know… That was a long time ago, and I've grown up a lot since then."

He folded the paper in half neatly, and then began tearing it into pieces. Natsu made a startled sound in the back of his throat.

Gray raised an eyebrow at him. "Why are you so surprised? I said that I was trying to let things go, didn't I?"

He backtracked a few paces to push open the doors of the guild again. Holding the door open with his foot, he hesitated a moment and stared down at the handful of scraps. Then he steeled himself and tossed them out into the street, watching them swirl around like paper leaves. The urge to reach out and gather up all those pieces again was strong, but he pushed it away. Instead, he just leaned against the doorframe and watched them contemplatively.

"It's not some elaborate way to punish myself, if that's what you're thinking," he said. "Okay, the fights didn't have a great start. Mostly it was because you were annoying and I didn't like you. And yeah, sometimes I used them as a way to deliberately get myself hurt. But I also started enjoying them, and over time you and I became pretty great friends and the fights turned into something a lot more fun.

"It's kind of like how I didn't particularly like most any of you guys at first, but you all grew on me, and look where we are now. Things have certainly changed since then. Things change, and that's not always a bad thing." He looked down and studied his empty hands for a few seconds before letting his breath out in a shuddering sigh. "Maybe it's not such a bad thing."

There was a long pause.

"That's what we've been trying to tell you," Natsu said finally, his voice quiet. "It's okay if you've changed."

Gray nodded to himself. He hoped that maybe it wouldn't be so bad. Some things would stay the same, some would change, and maybe that was how it was supposed to be. One day, he'd figure it out for sure.

He turned back to face the others, plastering a smirk on his face. "So, are you ready to get your ass kicked, squinty eyes?"

Natsu stared at him blankly for a moment before grinning back, his eyes lighting with anticipation. "Bring it on, droopy eyes! I'm totally gonna win!"

"I don't understand how you can change gears so quickly," Lyon muttered tiredly, shaking his head. "It's so hard to keep up with you sometimes."

Gray just laughed, before arching an eyebrow at Natsu and making a 'bring it on' gesture. The dragon slayer smirked and obliged.

'He's fighting with Natsu again, but it's mostly for show because they're having fun. Erza is threatening to step in and she and Lucy are starting to get annoyed, but he feels a smile creeping over his face. Natsu pauses and gives him a funny look, but then grins back, and suddenly the two of them are just laughing for no reason at all. The girls are saying that they're crazy idiots and maybe that's true, but he doesn't care. Right now it's enough to just have them and Natsu and Happy here, because they make him happy, and when he's with them he feels like he belongs.'

.

'That sounds like such a nice feeling. I don't understand… Don't ever let that go. If you can feel it, don't ever let it go.'

It didn't take much for the whole guild to join in. Gray suspected that they might have been waiting for this, even if they perhaps hadn't realized it in so many words. He and Natsu fought hard and fast, punches and stray magic flying as if nothing had ever happened to change this, and Gray slipped back into the rhythm easily, relieved that it still felt familiar and comforting. Around them, everyone else broke into their own fights as well. Even Erza joined in when Natsu accidentally knocked her cake over, ranting in theatrical rage even though her eyes were shining. Lyon tried to slink away and avoid the crazy guild's antics, but Erza wasn't having it and dragged him in, although he appeared more amused than irritated.

But Gray didn't have a lot of time to pay attention to the chaos all around him, because Natsu wasn't pulling his punches. Which was just as well, because Gray didn't want that. For once, it was nice that he wasn't being treated like fragile glass. Natsu was treating him exactly like he had before the void, not making concessions for everything that had happened after, and Gray loved it. He liked knowing that this was one thing that hadn't changed, liked being able to feel like himself again. Maybe some things had changed, but he was glad that this wasn't one of them.

He wasn't sure how long they'd been fighting, but the taunts and teasing and grins were infectious, and Natsu certainly wasn't holding back anymore. Gray wasn't either. Then Natsu threw a punch that Gray dodged, but instead of leaving it alone and counterattacking, the ice mage grabbed the dragon slayer's wrist firmly. Natsu scowled and tried to tug it away, but Gray held on. Reaching into his pocket with his free hand, Gray pulled out the one last remaining scrap of paper and pressed it into Natsu's palm.

Natsu blinked at him in confusion, but when Gray made no move to attack again, he looked down at the paper. Gray waited quietly, knowing that Natsu had been dying of curiosity ever since he'd first seen the ice mage slip the paper into his pocket. Gray shouldn't be hiding things from his friends, after all. He shouldn't be hiding the bad things, but he shouldn't be hiding the good ones either.

Natsu stared down at that single word for a moment before looking back up at Gray. "Do you really need the paper?" he asked finally, his voice unreadable.

Gray let his gaze drift away, across the battle still raging all around them. For a few seconds he watched all his friends trading blows as they smiled and teased and laughed. Then he looked back at Natsu and grinned crookedly.

"No," he said. "I don't."

Natsu smiled back. Summoning up some flames in his hand, the paper disintegrated. He was watching carefully to see how his friend would react, but Gray didn't move immediately. He stared at the fine rain of ash floating to the ground, trying to sort out his thoughts.

Part of him wanted to punch Natsu and gather up whatever was left of the paper, because it meant something to him and he felt its sudden absence keenly. But mostly he felt relieved, like the paper had been a heavy weight sitting on his chest that had now been removed. Gray didn't need paper reminders any more than he'd needed paper memories, and it felt good to have let go of the very last piece of the notebook. And if it left a void within him… Well, he could fill that back up with something more meaningful than paper, and he'd have his family to help him do it.

He tore his gaze away from the ashes and looked back up at Natsu, who was shifting about anxiously. Gray smiled, and Natsu relaxed visibly.

Then Gray punched him in the face.

Natsu reeled back in shock, gaping at Gray with the most flabbergasted expression the ice mage had ever seen. It cracked Gray up, and he howled with laughter. After a few more seconds of disbelief, Natsu grinned and launched himself back at Gray again.

They were both laughing now as they traded punches, and it seemed like everyone else was laughing and having a good time too. Gray was just glad that everyone had managed to forget about the past months, at least for a few minutes, and was happy. Gray felt happy too, and his identity crisis fell to the wayside for the moment. Because no matter what else had changed, this would always, always, be

'home.'

Note: I don't like happy endings with zero consequences, if you couldn't tell. Okay, some parts were kind of gimmicky, some were kind of cheesy, but I had a lot of fun writing it. Plus I had enjoyed writing that one memory for the notebook and was sad that I didn't have an excuse to write more, so I made one :D (Yes, the notebook memories are meant to parallel the parentheses in the epilogue of "Stay".)

Well, this is the end of the "Stay" verse. Thanks for all the support.

emmahoshi (I assume it's you, even though you forgot to put your name on it - it reads exactly like your reviews): Ha, my sister talks to herself under her breath a lot XD But it's kind of fun to read this from Natsu or Lyon's POV, just to see how disconcerting it would be to watch Gray talk to "himself". Yeah, I think Gray would be inclined to go back to the way he was before as much as possible, but since he basically had a different personality and mindset for months... I don't think it's that easy to ignore all that. It makes more sense to me that he'd have to incorporate those two different sides of himself. Ha, ripping up books makes me cringe too, but I think it was a meaningful way to get rid of the notebook, and tearing things up can be really therapeutic XD Well, the notebook was a way to write down the memories post-void Gray was experiencing, but his main goal was to figure out who pre-void Gray was, which is why I thought it made sense to focus on a lot of the thoughts and feelings. Yeah, Natsu would have seen that page when post-void Gray first showed him the notebook, but I suspect he would have removed the page sometime after Gray got his memories back. Probably towards the beginning of that period, although I didn't come up with a specific time. Thanks for sticking through this whole long project :)