This is the last chapter.
Thanks for reading.
Amanda wasn't sure how long it's been, she didn't remember the exact date he left, but it's been a long time. But no matter how many days, how many weeks have passed, she still missed him exactly the same. A lot.
She spent a lot of time at work, a lot of time at meetings, a lot of time with Frannie. She even went to the cinema a few times, just to get out of the house. But she felt awkward being there alone, when so many people were there on dates, holding hands, hugging, kissing. Not that she wanted everyone else to be alone because she was, but she wanted them to hide their happiness a little, so she wouldn't be jealous, so she wouldn't think about not having it with Nick.
It was her day off and she found herself lying in bed, trying to read a book. It wasn't bad, but she couldn't concentrate on the words, she already took Frannie for a long walk and didn't really feel like doing anything at all. Maybe it was time to clean up the place. She was a little messy, and when Nick was there he picked up after her, saying he liked helping her out. But he was gone and Amanda had to take care of things.
She got up off the bed and looked under it, her clothes had a tendency to disappear under it and when a shirt went missing it was the first place she looked. She found a dark green blouse and placed it on the bed. There were two other shirts there, but they weren't hers.
She smiled to herself, thinking that there were a few sexual encounters where they were so hot for one another their clothes were thrown all over the room. That's probably how the t shirts got there. She thought about leaving them there, as some sort of a reminder of what they had. But it's not like she was going to forget it, with or without the fabric. She had to bring them back to him.
But she couldn't bring herself to call him, so instead she dialed his sister's number.
"Hello?" Sonya answered.
"Sonya?" Amanda asked, the other woman mumbled something to someone and Amanda thought she heard the words just a second.
"Amanda, hey, it's nice to hear from you"
"Listen Sonya, I hope you could help me, I found some of Nick's things and I was hoping you were at your mom's place so I could leave them there"
"Eh…I'm a little busy" Amanda could hear her smile "so right now is a bad idea, but I'll give you Nick's address, I'm sure he's at home now"
"Thanks" Amanda was disappointed, she wasn't ready to face him, but she had no choice, she already told Sonya she had some of his things, she couldn't change her mind and just get rid of the clothes. So Amanda wrote the address down and without calling she drove to Nick's place. She thought about leaving the bag by the door, but she wasn't a kid, she could handle it. So she knocked.
"Hey" she said.
"Amanda" Nick whispered.
"Yeah, it's me" she smiled at him "I found some of your things and thought I'd bring them back, Sonya gave me the address"
"Thank you" he took the bag from her "do you want something to drink?"
"No" Amanda shook her head, she was so self-conscious standing next to him that every little move she made seemed out of place to her "thanks"
"Oh…" he wanted to offer her something that would convince her to stay.
"I should go" she smiled and turned around, wanting to leave, when Nick moved quickly and placed his hand on the door, preventing her from opening it. Amanda gave him a questioning look, was he kidnapping her?
"I have something to say" the wheels in his head were spinning and he had no idea what he was saying, it was an improvised speech, but he let this force take over him, he was the one who asked the universe for help, maybe this was it?
"I love you" he said, feeling a weight being lifted off him, like he was buried under rocks and they were now gone "and I'm not good at this, but I do love you. And I know I'm moving to LA, but what if I also stayed? If I'll be here half of the week and the other half there?" he shrugged, he didn't think about this option, but the idea was out now "Amanda, I know I'm not a catch, I have a lot of baggage, not just with my kids…and being with me is probably not worth it, but I love you and if you feel anything for me, maybe we could try, officially try. I don't know what's gonna happen but I hate not being with you and I want to really be with you, not temporarily, This isn't perfect, but it's more than nothing and we could see where it goes" he took a quick breath "right now I want to kiss you, carry you to bed and make love to you" Nick couldn't read her, did she hear him? Did he even say anything? She wa1111s staring at him quietly and he wasn't sure "Say something"
"I thought you were going to kiss me" she whispered.
"Not before you tell me…"
"I'm in love with you" she looked into his eyes.
"Yeah?" his lips slowly curved into a smile.
"Yeah" Amanda nodded slightly. She couldn't move, she wasn't sure this was real.
"I'm gonna kiss you now" he moved closer to her and she nodded.
Their lips touched, it was the tenderest thing Amanda has ever felt. At first only their lips touched, just a slight touch, but then they moved closer and closer to one another until somehow their bodies were pressed to one another. As promised Nick picked her up and walked the few steps that separated them and the bed.
Nick lowered her on the bed but didn't let go. He kept his hands on her and kissed her again, this time with more fire, more passion. All of their bottled up emotions were now out in the open and their kiss represented that, their hands roamed the other's body, moving under the cloths but not in a hurry to remove them.
"Amanda" he pulled away for a second, missing her lips already "are you ok with this?"
She knew he was referring to his offer, living in both states. Maybe it wasn't ideal, but nothing in their lives was, except for the way they felt.
"Yes" she smiled at him, she wanted to be with him, even if they'd be apart some of the time, they could make it work "I love you"
Nick kissed her again, pulling her to his body. Hearing her say the words, telling him she loved him, made him feel something he hasn't felt for a long time, pure joy. Amanda reached for the hem of his shirt and Nick raised his arms so she could take it off. She smiled seeing his abs.
"You like that?" Nick hissed into her ear, nibbling on her earlobe.
Amanda tilted her head, giving Nick access to her neck. His lips were instantly on her skin and his fingers unbuttoned her blouse and pushed it of her shoulders. He quickly unhooked her bra and took it off. He kissed her lips again and glued his chest to hers, feeling her breasts against his skin. Amanda's hands were traveling up and down his back.
"Lie down" Nick gently pushed her on the bed and got on his knees above her, he looked at her, taking it all in. His heart was beating faster with excitement, with the love and desire he felt for her.
His fingers reached the button of her jeans and he felt her tremble with anticipation, with need for him. Nick unbuttoned the jeans and slowly unzipped them, seeing the black fabric of her underwear slowly appear.
Amanda raised her butt so he could remove the clothes and touch her. Just thinking about his touch made her feel a little dizzy. Once the jeans were on the floor Nick's lips were on her calf and he moved higher, not taking his mouth of her skin. Nick let his right hand rest between her thighs and slowly started rubbing her, he could feel the fabric getting wetter and loved the fact he was responsible for her arousal. He took his time removing her underwear, staring at her as he did so, the need in her eyes was so intense Nick needed a moment to breathe.
But soon enough she was completely naked on the bed and Nick smiled and moved to her face, kissing her again. His fingers moved between her legs again, finding her clit and softly caressing it.
"I missed you so much" he hissed in her ear, feeling her gasp because without a warning he entered two fingers inside of her wetness "I love you" he removed them and thrust the now moist fingers back into her body.
"Ah" Amanda's eyes shut and she moved her face to his direction "Nick…I…"
"I want to show you how you make me feel" he felt her warm breath on his face and then she opened her eyes, meeting his gaze. She pushed herself against his hand and Nick started moving a little faster, stroking her inside, making her moan louder.
His words, his touch, he was bringing her to the brink, and Amanda lost the ability to talk she could only enjoy the experience he was giving her.
"I love you" he said, rubbing her clit and Amanda was lost, the orgasm took over her, washing her body like a wave. Nick nibbled on her neck while she came down from her high and slowly started moving lower.
"Get over here" she said.
"I'm not done yet" he smiled, his lips closing around his left nipple and tenderly sucking on it "ok?" he asked.
"Ok" he could do whatever he wanted to her because Amanda knew that she'd get her turn to worship his body.
Nick enjoyed feeling her breasts under his palms and his tongue, but he had his mind set on giving her another orgasm so his mouth traveled lower, sucking on her skin. Once he reached between her thighs Nick's tongue was on her swollen clit, the sound she let out told him she was more than ok and he continued, sucking on the knob and teasing it with his teeth. He gave her a moment to catch her breath and when he thought it was enough Nick returned to his task, thrusting his tongue into her depths. He felt her fingers in his hair, pushing him even closer. His fingers caressed her thigh but he stopped so he could pinch one of the hard nipples. He wanted to have all of her, touch and taste her entire body. She called his name, cursing as another orgasm shook her, making her lose control over her limbs, her right foot jolted, hitting Nick's crotch.
"Fu…" he squealed with pain.
"Nick" Amanda sat up "I'm so sorry, you're ok?" she touched his shoulder.
"I'm…" he needed a moment, thankful it was a pretty light kick.
"Sorry babe" she said.
"Call me babe again and you're forgiven" he smiled.
"I can do better, babe" she grinned and reached for the waistband of his sweatpants "I'll be gentle"
Nick stood up and she pulled the pants and his boxers down so he could step out of them.
"Lie down" Amanda bit her lip and Nick's mind was clouded with arousal, for her.
Amanda sat on top of him and let her hands glide all over his chest, she missed the warmth of this skin, the way he reacted to her touch. She grabbed a hold of his left hand and kissed it, she kissed his index finger and slowly pushed in into her mouth, sucking on it without taking her eyes off of his.
Even though Nick was completely aroused he somehow felt himself grow even harder. Feeling Amanda on top of him, giving him a playful smile, he wasn't sure he could last one second.
Amanda let go of his hand and leaned into him, her lips brushing against his and then moving lower. She nibbled on his neck, placed pecks all other his chest, sucking on sensitive spots she knew drove him mad. She caressed his erection while her mouth moved lower. She removed her hand and instead tasted him with her tongue, swirling it around the tip and engulfing him with her lips.
Nick lost the ability to speak, the warmth of her mouth send electric shocks through his body and he couldn't think, not that he wanted to. He just wanted to enjoy her actions. Her head was moving up and down while her hands kept him from moving. She let her right hand play with his balls and Nick let out a raw cry, knowing that if she kept on going he would explode.
Amanda withdrew and gave him a few seconds to breath before sinking her body on to his hard on, she could no longer wait for him to fill her. She threw her head back once he was all the way in and took a few seconds to enjoy the way he felt inside of her but then the need for more took over and Amanda started moving up and then down again. Nick sat up and his lips found her breasts, alternating between the two, teasing her nipples and caressing her back. Their lips met and they kissed as their bodies rocked against one another.
Nick wrapped his arms around her body and turned them around, he entered her again, harder this time. As the pace quickened heir breaths got more and more ragged and neither could hold it in any longer. Nick sunk himself into her as he climaxed and he felt her join him a few seconds later.
Nick rolled on the mattress but Amanda didn't want even the few inches to separate them. She rested her body on top of his and they exchanged soft kisses which slowly turned into a one long passionate kiss, their tongues tangled together as Nick's hands tenderly caressed her back.
After a while Amanda felt him grow against her thigh and she smiled into the kiss and used her fingers to help him out and let him enter her again. He said he wanted to make love and for Amanda this was the first time she understood what it meant.
Neither of them knew how much time has passed, they couldn't keep their hands off each other but after a few rounds they both needed a break. A short one.
"Hungry?" He caressed her cheek.
"A little bit" she smiled at him.
"I'll make you something" he was planning to get up but seeing her lying there didn't make it easy.
"You know" Amanda didn't move "I don't think I ever cooked you anything"
"I didn't think you could make anything"
"Don't underestimate me" she playfully smacked his ass "I can't cook but I haven't told you that I can make a pretty good apple pie"
"Oh yeah?" he was curious "what do you need for that?"
"Flour, sugar, butter, apples…"
"I have all of these here" it wasn't a lie, he made pancakes a few weeks ago.
"Then let's go" she sat up and they walked to the kitchen.
"Tell me what you need" he smiled.
"Flour, sugar, butter, apples" she said, knowing she was forgetting something.
Nick placed all of the ingredients on the counter and waited for her to give him more directions. He enjoyed looking at her bare body.
"I need a bowl" she looked an him "and a cup"
"There you go chef" he winked and placed them in front of her.
"So now we need a cup of flour…" she poured it into the bowl "I think"
"You think?" Nick chuckled.
"Well, I don't remember the exact recipe"
Nick didn't ask who taught her, whether a family member or someone she had a relationship with, right now this wasn't a conversation he wanted to have.
Nick stood behind her and wrapped his arms around her, kissing her shoulder.
"What are you doing?" Amanda smiled.
"I am going to serve as your apron" he replied.
Amanda laughed but didn't want him to move, she poured some sugar, guessing how much was needed and placed in the butter. Something was definitely wrong but Nick's hands were now playing with her breasts and Amanda had a feeling there wasn't going to be a pie. She let out a moan when one of his fingers was on her clit and turned her face to him, needing to feel his lips.
He was rubbing her clit harder and Amanda tried to hold on to something, causing the bowl to turn over and everything was spilled on the counter and on the floor. Neither cared about the mess, not when Amanda's hand grabbed his now hard member and spread her legs, needing him to get inside of her. Nick didn't let go of her mouth as he pushed himself into her welcoming body. He could never get enough of the incredible feeling that took over him when he was one with her.
Amanda's hands were on the counter, trying to support her weight as Nick was thrusting into her, she bucked herself against him and they grunted together. Nick was working her clit and soon enough Amanda felt like she won't be able to stand anymore and leaned against the counter as another orgasm blew her mind.
Nick knew there was no way he could let her eat in peace if she remained naked so he put on his boxers and gave her a clean t shirt. Nick smiled when he noted the state of his bed, the blanket and pillow were on the floor, the sheet was off the mattress.
"You're gonna have to wash it" Amanda smiled widely.
"Worth it" he said and walked to the fridge "I'll make sandwiches" it was late but they were starving.
"Sorry about the pie and the mess" Amanda chuckled "I totally forgot the recipe. I'll help you clean up"
"We can do that later" he placed the dishes on the table "but I'll be expecting that apple pie someday"
"Thank you" Amanda took a bite "and I will make you that pie when I remember how"
"Have you heard about this thing called the internet?" he raised his brows "you can find anything you want"
"Tell me more" Amanda looked at him.
Nick filled her in on the discovery, the drive to Long Island and the fact it actually lead somewhere.
"Tommy?" Amanda asked, she remembered the story and the photograph "boy band Tommy?"
"Yeah" Nick nodded "I had no idea they were seeing each other back then, but mom was happy to see him again and Sonya found it very exciting" Nick chuckled "I don't know what's gonna come out of it"
"I think it's a cute story, and if it makes your mom happy…" she shrugged.
"Yeah, I have to admit it was nice to see Tommy, we were good friends, back then things seemed so simple"
Amanda smiled and took another bite, she was glad Nick had a little adventure with his sister "and you didn't fight with Sonya at all?"
"No, but I am unhappy she showed you embarrassing photos of me"
"You heard us? Don't worry, you showed me worse. You really made bad hair decisions, ha?" he chuckled and Amanda smiled "you're hair is perfect now, so please don't change it"
"So…" Nick said after he finished his food.
"This place kinda sucks" Amanda talked with her mouth full.
"The castle is being built as we speak" he grinned "it was the best thing I could afford"
"Does that mean you'll you move back to my place?" she asked.
Nick smiled "I'd love to, but on one condition, I want to pay half of the rent, cause I'm gonna be living there with you" the thought made Nick happy, he couldn't wait to be back there. This place was just somewhere he stayed in, but wherever he'd be with Amanda – that was home.
"I can live with that" she said "I missed you"
"I missed you too" he grabbed her hand "we need to have a serious conversation about us"
"You really like talking about things, ha?" Amanda grinned "you are gonna move in with me and spend half of your time in LA with your kids"
"You're really ok with this?"
"I am" she nodded, knowing what would be his next question "absolutely sure" she got up and sat in his lap "because I love you and I really, really want to give us a real chance"
"I love you too" he kissed her "it's gonna work out, I know it" he kissed her again "and you could spend time with me there when you have time off and on holidays. You have any plans for Christmas?"
She shook her head "I'd love to decorate palm trees with you in LA"
"Yeah?"
"But right now" she smiled "I want to kiss you, carry you to bed and make love to you. Well, maybe not carry you…but the other things"
Nick let her take control over the kiss and he picked her up, wanting to lay her on the bed. But the way Amanda was kissing him made him almost lose balance and he stopped by the wall, pushing her against in an effort to balance them. Amanda wrapped her legs around him and her hand reached into his boxers.
"Wait…" he mumbled with his lips against her cheek.
"I don't want to" she was able to lower the boxers enough to expose his erection and Nick pushed himself into her body.
"You're so impatient" he moaned.
"It's your fault" Amanda smiled, holding tight to his body.
Nick didn't reply, he just hurried his thrusts, knowing this was what she wanted, what they both wanted. The only thought on his mind when he climaxed was how much he loved her.
Nick held Amanda close, it was late and they were both exhausted but he still let his fingers move over her body, caressing her soft skin.
"I noticed my hand is gone" she said quietly, touching his arm.
"What?"
"The tattoo, it's completely gone"
"The one you drew on me?" he smiled, remembering that night "I took a few showers since, so it was washed away"
"Then I guess I'm gonna have to draw another one"
"I don't know about that" Nick pulled her closer "but you can touch me whenever you want"
"You're insulting my drawing skills" she let out a short laugh.
"But you still love me, don't you?" he wanted to hear it again.
"I do" she turned to him, smiling. She knew their plan wasn't going to be simple, there were going to be complications and a lot of them. But they loved each other (her smile widening thinking about him saying it) so they will overcome and after some time, who knows…
Nick couldn't remember the last time he felt so calm, at peace with himself. Maybe the stars were aligned, the universe did it's job, he didn't care. He was going to make it work, with Amanda in New York and his children in California. It wasn't going to be easy, but it was going to be real and it was worth it. And in a few years…who knows? Something told him he would never love another woman the way he loved Amanda, and they weren't giving up. They were going to make it.
Nick's eyes fluttered open and he saw her back, she was sitting on the edge of the bed.
"Morning" he mumbled, still feeling tired "what are you doing?"
"I have to go" she smiled "take Frannie for a walk and I gotta work later"
She put her bra on and Nick sat up and moved closer to her "don't go yet" he asked, moving her hair to the side so he could kiss the back of her neck. His hand moved to her bra, unclasping it.
"Mmm…" she wasn't going to protest. Last night felt like a dream and this meant it wasn't.
"How are you feeling?" he asked, removing the fabric.
"A little sore" she smiled "I wonder why"
"Sorry about that" he cupped her breasts in his hands, kissing her shoulders.
"Don't be" Amanda turned to him "I had a very, very good time last night"
"Come here" Nick pulled her to the bed, he was going to make this into a very, very good morning.
They took a quick shower together and Amanda got dressed "I really gotta go now"
"I'll walk you down" he opened the front door.
"You are such a gentleman" she grinned and gave him a kiss before they walked to the street.
For the pair it almost seemed strange that everything was the same, the people, the cars. Like nobody noticed that for them things were different, so much better.
"Where's your car?" Nick asked.
"I parked on the other side" she gestured at her vehicle "so will you come by my place today?"
"Of course" he nodded.
"With your things?" she bit her lip.
"I'll start packing right away"
They looked at each other, feeling like they were the only people in the world.
"I love you"
"I love you"
Nick didn't even realize he was holding her hand and he had to let her go so she could cross the street. He was about to return to his place when she was on the other side but turned around when he heard her voice.
"Nick wait!" she called.
He wasn't sure what was on her mind so he stood there, waiting for the light to turn green. It seemed to take forever but at least he could look at her in the meantime. Finally the light was green and Amanda started walking. Her hand was in her pocket as she crossed the road.
In all of the usual hustle and bustle of the city there was suddenly a loud noise, for a second Nick wasn't sure what it was, but it wasn't something he never heard before. A car.
It didn't happen in slow motion, time didn't freeze as the car drove through the red light and hit the people who were crossing the street. The sound filled his ears and even though he couldn't forget it, Nick couldn't describe it, he couldn't even understand what it meant.
"Amanda" Nick ran to her, she was lying on the asphalt. People were screaming things but Nick couldn't understand, as if they were speaking a foreign language. The only thing he could see was her.
"Amanda" he kneeled down next to her and wasn't sure what to do. There was no blood but her eyes were closed and she was motionless, he knew better than to move her.
"Hey" he touched her cheek and her eyes opened, just a little bit.
"Nick" she seemed confused, like she wasn't sure where she was.
"You're gonna be ok" he said "help is on the way" he could hear sirens.
"In my pocket, take it" she mumbled and Nick reluctantly reached her jacket, taking out what was in it, the reason she wanted him to wait, the reason she crossed the road, a key to her apartment.
She closed her eyes again and Nick wasn't sure what to do, the sirens were closer but it was taking too long. But did it even matter now? He could sense it even without touching her, as if something was changing in front of his eyes.
"Amanda, please, I love you" he leaned closer, feeling a terrible pain in his gut.
"You smell good" her voice wasn't even a whisper and she didn't add anything, not even when he asked her to speak, to say anything, not to leave him. He couldn't feel her pulse, but tried talking to her until someone else was there, a paramedic who said something but Nick didn't hear, he didn't want to.
Epilogue
50.
The big cake was decorated with the number and Nick looked at it. He vaguely remembered something Sonya once said, that when he'd be fifty, he would somehow be thirty five. But he didn't feel younger. He didn't feel like he was at any age at all. The number of years he's spent on earth didn't really matter.
"They wanted to eat the cake Uncle Nick" the boy said, looking at his sisters "but only after dinner"
"Danny's right" Nick said and opened the fridge so he could place it inside "we will have cake after dinner"
"I want cake!" said one of the twins.
"I want cake!" said the other.
Nick smiled at the girls and walked to sit on the staircase, next to Frannie.
He told Sonya that he didn't want anything for his birthday but she didn't listen, saying that it was a serious number and they had to celebrate.
"You know Nick" she said when she walked into his home "somehow you just get better with age, this is not fair"
"You look beautiful" Sonya's husband, Connor, said before wishing Nick a happy birthday.
Nick thought that Sonya really did get the happy ending she always dreamed of, or the happy beginning. So did his mother.
Cesaria and Barry rekindled their romance and while the parents fell in love with each other, their children fell in love too. It was just like in one of the movies Sonya loved so much.
For Nick things were different.
The truth was that his memory of the events that had transpired after Amanda's death was blurred. He knew he made a few calls and then somehow got to her house. Frannie was happy to see him and he took her out for a walk. Then he packed some of her things and took her to his place, that's when he fell apart.
Sonya knocked on his door a few hours later. She wanted to hear if Amanda came by to bring him his things, she was so excited to hear Frannie barking, thinking it was a good sign. But when Nick let her in she was shocked to hear what happened. Nick could barely say the words, it didn't seem real. Sonya offered to give him water, but he told her not to touch anything, not the counters, not the bed. Nothing Amanda had touched.
Sonya took care of her broken brother, even at his worse Nick was never like this and she was scared. He was there physically but that was it. He barely spoke, barely moved.
Nick couldn't take the fact that she was gone, he lay in bed, trying to relive his time with her. But the memories hurt and he was slipping into a dark hole.
He refused to go to her funeral, refused to talk to anyone who knew her. He felt dead, just as she was.
Sonya came by everyday with food and to help with Frannie, she knew it was better not to say anything, so she just sat with him on the couch, the only place he allowed her to get close to.
They got help from The O'Brian's, Barry drove Cesaria to chemo when Sonya couldn't, they thought of the treatments as dates, they had a lot of catching up to do. Connor helped Sonya, she confided in him about what she was going through.
She had to tell Cesaria and the news broke their mother's heart. She was still battling the cancer but she could only think about Nick, he was her son and he was it pain. Sonya said it was best no to visit, she was afraid her mom would get worse if she saw his condition, he didn't want to wash the place, even though there was flour and melted butter on the kitchen counter and floor. He didn't want to change the sheets, he didn't shower. Sonya didn't argue and did as he asked.
Cesaria called her son and told him it was time for him to move, she had Sonya and Barry and she was getting better. The doctor recommended surgery, he could remove the lump. She was going to get better and he had to think of himself, to be with his kids. Nick didn't want them to know, he didn't want to confuse them, they didn't even know about Amanda.
Connor returned to LA and found Nick a place. Nick didn't even care about it, where it was located, the number of rooms, bathrooms, furniture. Everything he did was automatic, sans emotion.
He finally cleaned the place, seeing her at every spot and everything was blurry due to the tears. The truth was he didn't want to stay there one more second, he hated everything around him. He hated the apartment, the street, the crosswalk. The city.
Frannie was confused, she was standing by the door, waiting for Amanda or walking around the small apartment, looking for her. Nick knew he couldn't explain that she wasn't coming back. The dog would lie in bed with Nick, it smelled like Amanda and maybe it gave her some kind of comfort. Nick wasn't sure what it gave him.
Frannie was the only thing he had that belonged to Amanda and he wasn't going to leave her behind. So Nick left for California with the dog.
A week after he was somewhat settled in the new house Nick got a call, Cesaria told him she was healthy. The cancer was gone. Cesaria and Sonya came to visit him and the kids and they were all smiles, Nick tried to do his best.
Nick also did his best to hold on when he was with Gil and Zara. But at home he didn't bother. Frannie wasn't calm in the new environment, he knew she was searching for Amanda and he wanted so bad to find her for her.
Sonya moved in with Connor a month later and Cesaria decided that since her two children, her grandchildren and Barry were living far away, the best thing would be to move to California too.
And so, a few months later, Nick's entire family was there.
When Sonya got married Nick was very happy for her, but when she was standing at the alter Nick couldn't help but feel a light pain in his heart. He could picture Amanda, wearing a white dress, walking towards him, saying I do, becoming his wife.
He missed her so much. It wasn't getting easier, the pain was just getting more familiar.
"Uncle Nick" Danny said "this is for you" he handed him a drawing.
"Thank you buddy" Nick looked at it.
"It's you and Frannie and this is me" the young boy explained. He was five and Nick loved him with all his heart. The day he was born Nick held him and for the first time in years he felt hopeful.
"I love it" Nick kissed the top of his head "thank you so much"
"It's for your birthday" he smiled.
The boy had a special connection with his uncle and was always happy to see him and spend time with him. Zara and Gil were growing up so fast. Nick looked at his son, he was talking to Barry and Cesaria, his girlfriend was standing next to him. Nick thought that she was a nice girl. Thankfully Zara didn't have a boyfriend, at least she didn't tell him about one. She changed her mind about being a famous singer, she wanted to be a doctor and was about to start her first year of college.
Nick knew that at some point Sonya told them about Amanda. He didn't want the kids to know, but Sonya thought it was for the best, they noticed something was different about him no matter how hard he tried to hide it. There was an incident at a restaurant, Zara ordered the apple pie for dessert and Nick got lost in the memories. The day after she told them the kids tried to act like everything was normal until Zara hugged him so tightly he was a little scared.
"What is it?" he asked.
"I just really love you dad" she said.
Thanks to Connor's contacts he was able to find a job at a private investigator's office. They didn't care about the issues that forced him to retire from the NYPD, on the contrary, it was a plus. He buried himself at work, not wanting a lot of free time on his hands.
A coworker offered to set him up with a nice woman, she used a lot of superlatives but Nick always declined. He was already in love and it wasn't going away, she was gone but he still loved her, with everything he had.
He thought about Amanda everyday, he had a lot of dreams about her, they were sitting at the kitchen, walking with Frannie. The dreams were simple, every day things he would love to do with her, planned to do with her, was never going to do with her. Sometimes they were so real that he woke up and expected her to walk into the bedroom and smile brightly at him. The realization, which took less than a second, was like a knife in his heart, every time.
He missed everything about her, her voice, her laughter, her smile. Every little thing. He didn't talk about her and nobody brought it up, not in front of him. It was as if he had a hole in his heart, an emptiness nothing could fill. Yes, he smiled and laughed, was happy with his family. But it wasn't like it used to be. His taste for life has lessened and there was no fixing it.
Danny hugged Nick "it's good that you put the cake in the fridge"
"Yeah?" Nick smiled at him.
"The girls wanted to eat it, it's wrong. We have cake only after dinner"
Nick smiled, Danny reminded him of himself. When he was a kid he always tried to make sure that Sonya followed the rules. And now Danny was doing the same things with his little sisters. The twins. Sonya dressed her little girls exactly the same and Nick wasn't sure if even the girls, who were going to be three soon, knew who was who. Sonya even gave them similar names, Isabelle and Annabelle, and right now they were twirling around the room looking at their pink tutu dresses. Their father was dancing with them.
Nick patted Frannie, she was very old and he wasn't sure how much time she had. She didn't have a lot of energy anymore and spent most of the time by the stairs, for some reason it was her favorite spot. Nick thought that the reason she was holding on was the fact she thought Amanda was coming back, she didn't understand time, so she waited for her owner and Nick waited with her.
"Uncle Nick" Danny looked at him "is Frannie old?"
"Yes she is" he nodded.
"Is she going to die?"
The boy lost his pet hamster not long ago. Sonya told him he went to a farm but his father told him the truth about death and after confirming it with Nick Danny was upset but he understood, as much as possible, he did like the part about heaven.
"Someday" Nick replied.
"It's sad" the boy patted Frannie "I miss Mr. Hamster"
"Of course you do, you love him"
"But I think he's in heaven with other Mr. Hamsters"
"I hope so" Nick nodded.
"Will Frannie go to heaven?" he asked.
"I think she will" Nick looked at her.
"It's for good people and good dogs and good hamsters" Danny got up "you're good Uncle Nick, I love you"
Nick watched the boy as he walked to say something to his mother.
He lost his faith after Amanda's death. Even though he has seen pain before, felt a lot of it, it was never like this. But if there was some kind of a good force in the world then maybe Amanda was in heaven. And maybe, when his time comes, he would get to see her again.
Maybe, if he gets there and the gatekeeper is kind enough…
-The end-