I was totally not going to write anymore Rollaro!

But a few days ago I got a PM and someone asked me to write a story. I answered I wasn't going to (cause that was the plan). But then I checked the traffic stats and saw that people are still reading my stories and I was a little surprised and a lot happy.

I love writing and it's nice to know someone other than me actually reads it.

So, as it often happens to me, the idea popped to my head and no matter how hard I tried to push it away – it stayed.

So, since I do love writing, and no matter what, Rollaro is awesome (and I don't watch the show anymore so who cares what happened, if I don't watch it – it doesn't exist).

So here's another fic.

I do have to say that even though I have a general idea, I hope not to get discouraged in the middle.

And as usually, sorry for typos, grammar etc.

What would happen if I didn't say they don't belong to me?

Nick and Amanda are mine and yours.

The house suddenly seemed big. Now, with almost no furniture, a lot of boxes full of his stuff. Is that who he was? The man who owned the things in them? The shirts, books, dishes, memorabilia. All of which he had packed into boxes, wrote down what they contained. Was that Nick Amaro? Someone who had many suits (most he wasn't taking with him), who had books about crime (some he couldn't remember reading, which meant he probably didn't). Or maybe it was the man who found old rock-and-roll cassette tapes in the back of his closet, his children won't even know what to do with those but he had fun listening (and dancing) to the tunes.

Nick stood in his living room, wearing a pair of faded jeans and a very old t shirt he used to love for some reason, and looked at the almost vacant space. In this stage of his life, he was almost forty, and had no idea who he was.

The realtor did a good job and was able to find a buyer pretty fast. Nick was just done with the physiotherapy and a few days later she called him with the good news. She kept on saying how lucky he was, with the economy and the market. Nick didn't listen to everything, his mind locked on that one word: Lucky.

Was he? Could anyone say he had good luck? He's been through a lot of bad things and never once thought about himself as lucky. If he were truly lucky, maybe the house wouldn't have to be sold?

The place was bought by a nice family and Nick hoped they'd have better luck here than he had. Maybe the parents would grow old in this house together, play with their children and then with their grandkids in this room. He hoped so for them, because he had the exact hopes for himself when he first saw this place, back when he was married and knew where and with whom he was going.

But now, all these years later, he was standing here with completely different thoughts in his head. Wondering how he came to this? How he lost his path and felt like he couldn't find his way back to wherever it was he was going to.

Up until now he tried to focus on the therapy, his leg, then selling the house and packing. But now that it was almost done there was nothing to take his mind off of these nagging thoughts about being a failure, not knowing where he was going. Even when he told himself California would be a fresh start, he heard a laugh somewhere in the back of his mind, like another Nick was standing behind him, telling him he wasn't fooling anyone. This isn't what he wants.

His, now former, coworkers offered to help with the packing but Nick declined. It wasn't just the fact he didn't want them going through his things and maybe finding something embarrassing (his mother did give him some of his older belongings when she moved to a smaller apartment). It was because them helping him leave seemed too hard. They were staying, he was going.

Whenever they offered Nick just made an excuse and eventually no one said anything. He realized now that it's been a few days since he had said a word to any of them. The only people he talked to were his kids and his mother. And his ex wife, Maria, she was kind enough to offer him to stay at her place for a few days until he settles in LA and Nick was grateful for the fact that finally, after all these time they've been divorced, Maria and he were okay with one another. Not friends, not even remotely, but they were going to be in the other's life for many many years and for Zara's sake they were getting along (and not getting back together, as Zara said to him one evening when they were skyping).

Nick chuckled at the realization that the only thing that did get better was the relationship with his ex wife, not something he expected to happen. Ever.

He needed a moment and sat down on the floor, he already sold the couch and most of the large furniture were already gone too, some he sold or donated, knowing he would have no place for them in LA.

Now that he was so close to being done Nick realized how fast time has gone by and how soon he'd have to leave. The plan was to stay another week or so at his mother's place and then fly to California and leave New York behind. Leave this place that held so many good memories, bad ones. A place that held a lot of regrets.

And regrets, unlike the song, he had more than a few. With the job, his personal life, the people in it; not just his family members but his friends and coworkers, and those who were both, and the one person who was more.

Amanda.

He had a lot of regrets when he came to Amanda. Thinking about her he thought heard the nagging voice saying something but Nick ignored it like he usually did. He could still remember the night he came to her place and told her he was moving.

It wasn't exactly true, he couldn't exactly remember it. He wasn't sure what he said to her, how did he phrase it? Did he say he was sorry?

The only real memory he had of that night was a moment when they looked at each other, she said "so…" and he said "so…" and maybe that was it, this little word, so, was everything that needed to be said and every other word was useless. Because there was no explanation (the leg, the job, the kids). So…

He wasn't even sure how long it took before he fled, it probably got complicated and leaving was the only thing he could do (leaving her apartment, leaving New York).

Nick had a lot of regrets when it came to Amanda, but it wasn't about their relationship, whatever it was. He regretted not trying harder when they fought, not noticing she needed him, or worse, noticing and ignoring it.

He took a deep breath and it seemed like the place smelled like cardboard boxes. That was all that's left of his life in this city.

Boxes.

Nick picked up his mother for lunch. She supported his move but he could tell she was also upset about it.

"You should do what makes you happy" she told him when she helped cleaning the house, it had to look good for potential buyers.

He nodded and asked himself what made him happy but had a hard time coming up with an answer. Sure, the kids, Zara and Gil, he loved them and was proud of them. But that voice (he was pretty sure he wasn't going mad)…it said there was something else. He wanted to scream WHAT? To get a reply from this other Nick, or whoever it was in his head.

"Hey mom" Nick walked into her apartment. He felt like it was smaller than before, like it had shrank since the last time he's been there.

"Nicky" she kissed his cheek and smiled.

"How are you feeling mom?" even though it was probably one of the most standard questions you could ask a person, today was different. Cesaria's been feeling a little sick the last few days, she tried to act like everything was fine so she could help her son pack, knowing he'd never ask her for help if she was sick.

"I am much better Nicky, don't worry" she reassured him and grabbed her bag.

"Good, you didn't look too good yesterday" Nick noticed his mother was a little pale and weaker than usual, but she insisted everything was alright. The compromise was for her to help just for one more hour and then go home and get some rest.

"That's not a nice thing to say" she smiled "I thought I taught you better"

"Ma…" Nick opened the door for her.

She was about to say something but when she opened her mouth not a single word came out, she looked at the wall, thinking it had to be painted because it wasn't white anymore, it was dark, a very dark shade.

Nick should have known better, his mother was trying so hard to act like she was fine, she was good at it (she had a lot of practice with his father), he should have known better and asked again, tell her to stop and rest, take her to the doctor. But no, he was busy thinking about the mess he's made of his life that he ignored the person who gave him life. The mess he got all on his own.

Now he was sitting in the hospital, waiting.

The ambulance got there fast, she lost consciousness and they rushed her to the emergency room. Nick wasn't sure how long it's been. He had a watch, he had his phone, but he couldn't look. It it's been a long time – it had to be something bad. But if it hasn't been long – why did it feel like it.

The doctor came and Nick quickly stood up.

"Mr. Amaro" he started "we are running some tests, your mother is awake, she's talking to us, but right now you have to be patient"

"What is it?" Nick didn't seem to hear the part about having to be patient.

"We don't know yet, but we're doing everything we can and we will find out what caused this"

"She's been a little weak" Nick knew he had to share everything with the doctor "she claimed to be just tired, but she seemed a little more than that…I don't know" how could he not notice she was feeling bad?

"Thank you, I will let you know as soon as I can" the doctor was about to leave.

"Can I see her?" Nick asked.

"Not right now, she's waiting for the MRI and it might take a few hours"

"Hours?" Nick had to control his voice, a single hour was too much so more than that?

"I understand this is hard, but you need to wait until we have a clear picture, it's gonna take time. I'm sorry" this time the man didn't give Nick a chance to add anything and left.

Maybe it was for the best, Nick needed him with his mother, running the tests, checking them. Whatever doctors did.

He sat back down and suddenly felt alone. Like he was the only human in the universe and he would never lay eyes on another person, talk to anyone.

But he was sitting in a waiting room, with people around, noises coming from conversations, from a television, some talk show Nick tried to focus on so he wouldn't have to think about the fact something was wrong with his mother and he didn't notice.

His eyes were glued to the screen and he tried to listen as the people spoke.

"…let me tell you…" the host (or the guest, Nick didn't know) laughed "he asked me to marry him"

"No!" the other woman and the crowed were shocked by this.

"I had no idea and I just didn't say anything!"

"And he's on one knee?"

"In his birthday suit" everybody laughed "and this…"

Nick couldn't listen to this until they call him. He grabbed his phone and looked at it as if it was something he's never seen before. What was it good for? He didn't care about the news, he didn't want to play games.

Maybe he should use it for it's original purpose and call someone?

He looked at his contact list, the names were so familiar but now all these people seemed like strangers. What was he going to say to whoever he calls? "How you've been?"

It was a long list but Nick couldn't dial, he just looked and told himself why he couldn't call each of them (it would be too weird, never liked this one, delete this one, I don't want to bother that one).

Amanda Rollins.

He pretended not to see her name the first time he looked at the contact list. How could he call her when so much between them was still so unfinished, undefined. She's the last person he can call out of the blue like this and just talk to.

He raised his eyes to the screen because someone was now shouting, didn't they just talk about a marriage proposal? When he turned his attention back to the screen in his hand Nick realized his finger decided for him and dialed.

"Nick?" he heard her voice and had no choice but to answer.

"Hey"

"What's going on?" she wasn't expecting him to call.

"Eh…" before he could answer a nurse who stood close to Nick called a doctor and from the was she asked the next question, he knew Amanda heard.

"Where are you?"

"At the hospital" he couldn't and didn't really feel like hiding it anymore, he didn't want to be alone "it's my mom".

Amanda's been at the hospital more times than she could count. She was there as a detective, as a patient as a worried (more than a) colleague. Now she was here as a friend, probably. Nick needed a friend so she came to be with him.

They were still friends, even with everything that they've been through, she could still define herself as his friend.

She saw him sitting, holding his head in his hands. Amanda could almost read his mind, he was probably blaming himself for not noticing anything. That was Nick, he always thought he could fix things had he known about them earlier. She both liked and disliked it about him. But right now wasn't the time to analyze it and with Nick leaving the right time would be never.

"Nick" she called his name when he didn't notice her.

"Amanda" he stood up just when she was about to sit and if they weren't at a hospital Amanda would find it amusing and laugh.

"How is she?" she sat down next to him.

"I don't know, still haven't heard anything, they are running tests" he looked at her and the utter loneliness faded, at least he wasn't waiting alone. Still, he felt guilty for calling and apologized for dragging her to the hospital on her day off.

"It's ok, I'm glad you called" it wasn't a lie, she was happy to be there for him.

"Thank you" he was really grateful for the fact she was sitting next to him.

Nick realized he missed her, just being in her presence, when it was just the two of them. The atmosphere was so different and when he wasn't overthinking (which he did too much) things were absolutely great between them. They'd watch something on tv, laugh about it together.

Amanda wasn't sure he'd want to talk more about his mother's condition. He didn't know anything as it is so maybe they could talk about something else. They could just sit in silence if he preferred.

"You know this show?" he suddenly asked, gesturing at the television, the credits were rolling and he didn't catch the name.

"It's called Betty's talking" Amanda replied, expecting Nick to make a comment about watching all of these "quality programs"

"You missed the part about the naked proposal" he let her know.

"Sounds romantic" she smiled "but hate to disappoint, it's a rerun so…"

"So…" the word sent him to the night at her apartment, the saying goodbye without really saying it "you have seen it?"

"Yes and it's kinda funny, dumb" she shrugged "but funny"

"We can agree on the dumb part" he was about to add something when he noticed something, a doctor was walking to their direction and Nick looked at him, following the man with his eyes, hoping he'd tell him it was nothing. But the doctor turned to someone else and Nick looked at the floor.

"Nick" Amanda scooted closer to him, closing the gap, the safe distance, she could see the disappointment in his face. She touched his shoulder and her hand glided down his back. The familiar feeling caused Nick to turn to her and she could see tears in his eyes.

"I'm scared" he confessed, feeling a bit ashamed for it, but at the same time he felt like a weight has been lifted off of him "what if it's serious?"

She couldn't tell him not to worry, couldn't promise it was nothing. But she did what he needed and hugged him.

They pulled away quickly, the embrace brought up memories, but now wasn't the time for it.

"There's another one" Nick broke the silence by turning to the tv, the woman he figured was Betty was talking to the audience "have you seen this one?"

She nodded and they both watched quietly for a few minutes. But they didn't pay much attention to the program. Neither said a word, but they were both thinking about the fact that Amanda's hand was resting on Nick's and they both hoped the other won't move.

"They should really put something else on" he wasn't sure he wanted to talk, but had a hard time bearing the silence. What could he ask her? Nick didn't want to hear about work. And who knows if there was anything going on in her private life? He sure didn't want to hear about that.

"I think we're the only ones watching" she was right, everyone else found something else to occupy them while waiting.

"Want me to download a game to your phone?" she offered with a slight smile "you'd be surprised how much time you can pass by playing something"

"Please don't, Zara and I spent an entire weekend playing one of those and doing almost nothing else" it was months ago, before the injury, before so many things had changed.

"Soon you'll get to spend more time with her, it's gonna be great" she knew it wasn't easy for Nick to be so far away from his daughter, with everything he'd seen at the job, not being close to be able to protect her…Nick wanted to protect the people he loved, that she absolutely liked about him. Still, saying it would be great, it hurt her more than she wanted to admit.

Her hand was still there, resting on his and Nick looked at their palms, for a second he forgot they were at the hospital, for a second they were at a park, or at the beach or anywhere else, just the two of them. But that good feeling lasted for just a single second, as a man's voice interrupted and brought him back to the dull waiting room.

"Mr. Amaro"

It was the doctor and Nick hurried to stand up, Amanda followed and the doctor looked at her, not sure who this was, he was too preoccupied to notice all of the emotions in the slight touch.

"I'll go get us some coffee" Amanda could sense that the doctor wanted to talk to Nick alone and she walked away.

As they disappeared into a hallway Amanda could see from Nick's reaction, even though she could only see his back, this wasn't nothing.

And she was right.

To be continued (probably)