La Douleur Exquise
the emotional heartache, specifically, of being the one whose love is unreciprocated

a/n [Thanks to Iris for helping even though I only used like two of the things she said. Absolutely no thanks to Lils who was too busy yelling to be of any help beta-ing. Written for Caesar's Palace's Monthly Oneshot Challenge.

Yellowwood is a restaurant I invented. UC Davis is a real college in northern California. Safeway and Starbucks are also, obviously, real.

Italics are flashbacks.]

xoxo

The truth is, when Katniss confides in her—voice quiet and rushed as if letting the words out will cause the earth to fall from orbit—that she wishes she had someone to wake up to in the morning, to hold her while she sleeps and forever after that, Johanna almost volunteers.

It'd be the simplest thing, to just lean forward, top of her head bumping the roof of their messily built fort so it falls around them as her lips touch hers. A mess of haphazard pillows, wine bottles, and Katniss' scarf, green and tying them closer together with each escaping giggle. The fire glows orange, softly, in the distance; the blankets smell of pine. Her hair escapes from its plait and stows away in Johanna's mouth, and as she tilts to dispose of it, she tumbles. Katniss laughs, loud like firecrackers, ringing, until she's pulled down, too.

Instead, Johanna knocks her glass against the edge of the couch, ignores the crimson wine sliding down her arm and staining the carpet. "I know just the guy," she promises.

Katniss nods once, hiccups, and falls asleep against Johanna's arm.

xoxo

The restaurant roars, busy at primetime, as the waitress leans in to hear more correctly. "I'm sorry, sir, did you say five sugar cubes?"

"Yes, five." Finnick smiles at the waitress, charming as ever. "If it's not too much trouble."

Johanna raises her own black coffee, stares at him from across the table as she drinks. In the ten minutes since he coerced her into a hug in front of Yellowwood, he hasn't done anything but grin politely at the staff and stare at the wall by Johanna's right ear, shoulders hunched slightly, fingers tapping relentlessly.

Lowering her mug to her chin, she says, "You're going to break the table if you keep that up."

He drums faster for a moment, eyebrows raised, until the waitress returns with a small dish of sugar cubes. One by one, they're thrown into his coffee, save for the last, which he attempts to throw into his mouth, but it misses, bouncing across the table until it hits Johanna's fork.

"Stressed?" she asks, picking up her fork and poking the sugar cube.

"Maybe." Without warning, he snatches the sugar cube from her, frowns, and brushes it off. "Overshadowed by the bliss, though."

"Eugh."

Successfully tossing it into his mouth this time, Finnick grins with the sugar cube between his teeth. She sticks out her tongue.

"Don't worry, Jo. One day someone will melt your frozen heart."

This time, Johanna drums her fingers, gaze fixed somewhere at the space above Finnick's head, remembering the reason she'd agreed to accompany Finnick for brunch while Annie, his fiancée, tried on wedding dresses down the block.

"Do you have Peeta's number?"

"Not really your type," Finnick says, eyebrows knit, trying to figure her out, trying not to push too hard.

"It's for Katniss."

It's not until they're leaving, Finnick trying to wrestle her into another hug, Peeta's number in her phone, that he frowns.

She says, "See you later, asshole."

And he says, "Be careful, Jo."

xoxo

It was quite possibly a Wednesday, or maybe a Thursday, when Johanna finally memorized her name, writing it on the flimsy plastic cup with ease before Katniss could offer it.

"Two S's, right?" she asks, already having handed the cup to her coworker, showing off.

"Right."

When she smiles, Johanna almost thinks she's found her way in, but as soon as she hands off the change, Katniss mutters a thank you to the ground and walks away.

Over the next couple of weeks, Johanna strategizes, throwing in a couple winks when Katniss orders, drawing smiley faces on her cups. Nothing too over the top, nothing too subtle; for it's a game of patience, and working as a Starbucks barista to scrape through college, she has plenty of time.

"You go to Davis, don't you?" Johanna asked one afternoon, writing the order as slowly as she dares with the rapidly increasing line. "I swear you have chemistry with me."

She frowns, digging through her wallet. "Not taking it this semester."

As she hands back the change, Johanna tries to catch her gaze, tries to figure out if she's playing with her or actually that oblivious. Never looking up, not as though she ever does, Katniss joins the queue to waiting for their drinks.

"Blight, I'm going on break," Johanna informs her manager, already swerving around the counter.

"Not during rush hour, you're not."

As she reaches for Katniss' arm, she turns her head back to Blight, standing there in his typical cross-armed, I'm-the-boss-of-you style. "Then fire me."

"Excuse you?" Katniss looks up at her, eyes stern, and retreats her arm.

"Listen, I've been trying to get into your pants for the past three weeks; are you interested or not?"

Widened eyes, flushed cheeks, and gaping, Katniss barely manages to stammer out, "Not," before Johanna's laughing. She crosses her arms, trying and failing to compose herself. "Is this some kind of joke?"

"Not a joke, sweetheart. I'm not a dick, though. All advances stopped." Johanna takes a step back, palms up. "But, say, I've got eight more minutes, so where are you off to?"

It takes a few seconds for Katniss to blink up at her, gaping, and gather her thoughts. "I was just going to sit on a bench outside."

"Well, gorgeous, can I join you?"

As it turns out, she can.

xoxo

When Katniss untangles herself from the blankets on the couch and Johanna's side, mumbling her need to go to the bathroom, she doesn't bother to pause the movie. They've already seen it a million times.

Before she has the chance to leave the room, Johanna is sliding quietly to the other end of the couch, where Katniss set down her phone after Johanna walked in, dangling her extra key to the Everdeen house from her pinky. Unlocking the phone with a combination given to her out of trust, she clicks on messages, and finds Peeta's name. Scrolls up gently, with a plan for casual reading, stopping when she sees her own name.

Peeta: are u doin anythin tonight?

Katniss: Sorry, girls night. Me and jo are watching movies til dawn.

Peeta: u and jo are really close arent u

Katniss: Surprised?

Peeta: guess i didnt think she was ur kinda person

Katniss: You mean rude, loud, and crass?

Swiping a handful of chips, Johanna makes sure to grease up the phone with the oil on her fingers.

Katniss: Shes also never let me down, supports everything i do, can cheer me up anytime always.

Katniss: Shes practically family.

Her hand loosens, and the chips fall.

Peeta: im sorry i didnt mean to offend u

Katniss: Its fine.

Katniss: Shes here gtg.

Peeta: have fun tonight

With a breath in, she wipes the fallen chips off her blanket. The toilet flushes as she breathes out, but she waits to lock the phone and set it back down, Katniss' words playing over and over in her head. She isn't sure why she ever thought she had a chance.

"Mind if I open the beer now?" she asks when Katniss walks in.

Katniss squints, trying to decide if it's the right call when the sun hasn't fully set yet, but eventually shrugs and changes her course, heading for the kitchen. The television blares up in her absence, playing a cheesy song that sounds like all the other ones, as Johanna stomps on her old chips, trying not to scream.

xoxo

When Finnick opens the door, Johanna is sitting on the doorstep, tying her shoe as tight as she can manage. He waits, patiently, but when it's evident she doesn't plan on getting up, he retreats inside with a sigh, leaving the door open.

She trudges in a few minutes later, both shoes untied, and claims a seat at the dinner table. Her head falls onto the wooden table, loudly, making her ears ring and her head ache like hell.

"Mind the furniture, please," Annie says from her spot on the floor, staring into the oven window.

Johanna lifts her head slightly, if only to catch a whiff of what Annie is baking in the kitchen. "What are you making?"

"Scones."

"Annie insists we don't need a caterer," Finnick supplies, taking the seat next to Johanna.

"They'll just scam us with mediocre food for a shit ton of money!"

He laughs, leaning back in his chair to see her. "At least their food is edible, babe."

As he snaps his chair back into place when Annie launches a rubber band his way, Johanna groans, and lets her head fall against the table again. Or, at least, into Finnick's hand when he catches her.

"Are you okay?"

Johanna sits up, bats him away. "Peachy."

"Peeta's bringing Katniss as his date," Annie says, standing up and leaning on the counter, pity in her eyes. "And Johanna marked Katniss as her plus one."

"Damn," Finnick says.

Bristling at the feeling of having the attention of the room, Johanna brings her head to the table one final time, too quick for Finnick. She stays there, trying to breathe through her squished mouth, until Finnick gets up, leaves her alone. Her head slides toward the edge of the table, freeing her nose and eyes until her forehead is resting on the edge. She stares at her untied laces.

When Annie starts scrambling, hitting Finnick's arm and trying to save her burnt scones, Johanna manages to lift herself up. She snatches a scone, mutters something about how horrible it is, mutters goodbye, then leaves.

xoxo

It's Katniss' idea to start girl's night after Johanna graduates, relocating to her parent's house an hour away. For the very first one, staged on a Friday night, they flip a coin to decide between exploring town or staying in with a movie. And hence begins the tradition.

The fifth or so month in, when Johanna sneaks two king-sized Hershey bars from Safeway, Katniss fidgety and stammering as they leave the store, she realizes she is accidentally, horribly falling for her best friend. Has already fallen. The distinction is blurry and Johanna doesn't really care to think of it at all, in any way, ever.

But they're sitting on the couch, Katniss curled into her side like always, and her braid is draped over Johanna's arm, hair tickling her skin. More than anything, Johanna wants to bend down and kiss her, wants to bang her head into the wall and curse herself out.

After they finish the chocolate, Katniss proposes a game in light of The Little Mermaid, which has been muted thus far. Every time Sebastian complains, they drink. It is not an offer Johanna is willing to refuse, not when her head is off the tracks, refusing to stay silent.

So at the first moment the crab begins to whine, she chugs her entire bottle of beer, which sets Katniss into a laughing fit, clutching her stomach and leaning her cheek on Johanna's shoulder. Her heart stops a little, starts again. This is nothing. Only a trick of the light. She'll be fine.

xoxo

When Johanna swore to Katniss that she'd be her best friend, through thick and thin, this wasn't entirely what she meant. And listening to her on the phone, pillow over her head to keep it in place while she lies on her side, facing the wall, she feels empty. Whatever was in her heart was gone; just a steady thud left, no feelings.

"Was that right?" Katniss asks, finally breaking her monologue. "I've never been sure of these things."

"If you love him, you love him. No sense worrying over the words."

"What if it isn't right? Later on? If I change my mind?"

Johanna holds the pillow in one hand, shifts to stare at the ceiling instead. "Then it isn't right, and you can dump his ass."

She laughs, gloriously, as Johanna taps her toes against the bed frame, wishing there was something nearby she could break. The line falls silent, and Johanna hates the way her breathing mixes with Katniss', hates how it forms butterflies in her stomach.

"I think it is right."

After she hangs up, says goodnight and I love you like a good friend should, Johanna smashes her alarm clock with the heaviest book on her nightstand. It doesn't cause any damage, so she does it again, and again, until she falls back into bed, curls under the covers.

xoxo

Even though she's Peeta's date, Katniss and Johanna sit next to each other during the ceremony, on the far left side, just after Finnick's family. It's still close enough to the altar to catch Peeta wink at her from Finnick's side, before the music starts and Annie walks over the hill. Katniss smiles and nudges Johanna in the side to share in her glory, still delighting in telling everyone that the best man is my boyfriend.

Truthfully, it's not that bad of a wedding in the end, even if Johanna's sandals are full of sand and her makeup is running away with the sun.

If she ignores the way Peeta ran up to Katniss when his duties were done, hugging her around the waist; how when Johanna tugged Katniss into the mess of teary-eyed women, hoping to steal the bouquet, Katniss caught it instead; then she can almost pretend the smile that's tainted her lips all afternoon isn't pained.

She steals Annie for a dance with the pretense that she's stealing her away forever, so they can annul the wedding and elope together—Finnick only laughs.

"How are you doing?" Annie asks, when Johanna forces her to sit down, complaining about the stitch in her side.

"Don't worry about me." Johanna laughs, picks up Annie's hand to look more closely at the ring. "Not now."

"She's just happy she's in a new relationship. She doesn't mean to ignore you," Annie says anyway, lowering her hand so Johanna has to look her in the eyes.

"She can do what she wants, doesn't make any difference to me."

"Johanna—"

She stands, cuts her off. "I said don't worry about me. Look, I'm going to chat up the cute caterer now. Fingers crossed I take her home."

Annie smiles, the slow kind with sad eyes, and holds up her hand. "Fingers crossed."

xoxo

It's after, when she's stealing her third glass of champagne, that Katniss glides over and links their elbows. Johanna takes a minute to drown in her champagne, reveling in the way Katniss' shoulder drifted towards hers, two halves of something wonderful.

"Hey," Katniss says.

"Hey."

She looks down for a moment, blush gracing her cheeks, and back up again. "Thank you for setting me up with Peeta."

"Yeah, yeah. It was about time you got laid."

Her glass bounces when she sets it down; she watches it topple, roll off the table. Jolts her gaze back up only when Katniss buries her elbow into her side, a soft smile on her lips. She tilts her head to the side, towards Peeta, then takes away her arm and wanders off.

Johanna watches until Katniss reaches Peeta's side, watches her chin lift up to accept his kiss, and then she's sweeping her hand over the table again, grasping for another glass.

To herself, she resumes. "Besides, what else are friends for?"