A.n.-SORRY! I didn't mean to take so long…but I have had a lot of my fics on hold… I have the chappie for you, it's Bakura's p.o.v…perhaps one you've been waiting for. I hope you like. Please review.
A big thanks to Well, LOOK AT THAT! for helping me find a song for this chapterI really appreaciate it!Ty!!:)
Dedication-Well, LOOK AT THAT! R Amythest, DreamingChild, Vsakura, Feirdra, Alz-chan, Moshi, Celestialic, Neko Kakeru, and Akinari. Thank you all very much for your reviews. I really do appreciate them. If not for them, I probably wouldn't even bother with writing any more to this fic, so really, thanks a lot every one. I love to read your reviews -- it's one of the highlights of my day to see a review. so ty again
Disclaimer-I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh or this song "Paper Doll" by Kittie.
I look at her in that paper dress
I wonder why she won't burn
She's just a paper doll, that's all
Just a paper doll
Blessed darkness.
It surrounded me to my very core. Engulfing me in its twisted hold, restraining my mind in the swirling shadows that I had long since become accustomed to. Had come to love like nothing else…and hate.
Emotions swept through my mind like an uncaring tide. The sultry taste of bile lingered on my tongue and I turned away. I'd submitted to my baser desire, same as I have always done. The spell was an excuse: did any one really think that anyone could control the likes of me? I am Yami no Bakura! Spirit of the Ring, demon Tomb Robber of Ancient Egypt! To be brought down by a measly mortal girl with the lowest form of magic? Not even the slightest chance…
Impossible. It had taken effect because…I…I had allowed it.
Voices shouted inside of me, a guilt I could not deny rose within my chest like a painful dart.
Why? WHY?!
Why would I throw everything away, everything I've always wanted and strove for even all those years ago? I'd found my sanctuary…and I burnt it to ashes. I finally accomplished what at one time I'd desired. I'd broken his spirit, twisted my Hikari reflection's to reflect my own darkness…just as…just as Marik had done.
But unlike him, I had my reasons for doing what I did…petty though they may be, and perhaps even a little crazy. HAHAHAHA! But then, I had been sealed in the poison of the Shadow World in this blasted Ring for 5,000 years and then a raindrop of a 100…I was entitled to have more then a few screws loose here and there, was I not? Hehehe…
I giggled. It bounced off the shapeless walls with even more intensity…it hurt my ears…but I couldn't stop laughing. Hysteria clouded my mind, my soul, and I laughed. I laughed until my side wanted to split, until I was laying on the shadows of my soul room gasping for breath.
I didn't care.
Not really. Not enough, anyway.
Did I care? Oh yes, I loved Ryou…in my own way.
BUT THAT RA BE DAMNED DOPPLEGANGER THAT IS SHAREING MY SOUL IS NOT AND NEVER WILL BE RYOU!
Oh, he looks like him. Hell, he even shares his gestures, his mannerisms to the very 'T' but he's NOT RYOU! But of course the others don't realize that. Oh, he's a reincarnation so he must be the same goddamn person! NO! It DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY!
If it did, then this would just be the fucking Fairy Tale of century wouldn't it, but it's NOT. Because it doesn't work that way. You can't give someone memories and then just pick up where the hell you left off. It's not like that, it never will be like that! My Ryou is dead! DEAD.
And…that…will…not…change.
Ever.
I cannot bring my Hikari back, and I don't know what that thing is --that thing is that's sharing my soul-- but it's…not…Ryou. I know my Hikari, I know his soul and that is not he. He may seem like my Ryou, but he's not…he's not. I SAW him die! I FELT his soul leave mine.
He may be Ryou in body and in memory…but he is not my Hikari. He holds traces of what he was…enough to confuse me. Yes, he's a Hikari, my Hikari in a way, alright…but not exactly like he was before.
And I want that back. I want the Hikari I had before. You can't just pawn off this…this THING with hopes to replace him. It's disgrace to my lover's memory.
"Is that what you think, Yami dear?"
The voice was cold, cutting. But so like his…so like the Ryou from before.
I turned.
Hair so white it burned, eyes of brown glittered like diamonds. Hate. Anger. Fury. All the same. And that purity…that pure essence that nothing can really remove…it shines still beneath the tarnish…that he shares with my Ryou. All the more beautiful even when broken down.
The scene changed as I was torn from my soul room into his.
We stood now atop a building, the sky was gray, clouds moving fast against each other. Cold wind brushed past, like ice against my flesh. Thunder clapped above, lightning made angry streaks across the setting.
And he stood there. Eyes stared like glass, unflinching and unafraid of me. How our roles have been switched. The tormented now stands strong against he that broke
him to nothing…but he was nothing without me to begin with, so not much changed there.
I had not blocked for this very reason. I wanted him to hear, I wanted him to come to me of his own will. I had tired of this game we play. Boo hoo, betray, cry, angry words and then the forgiveness. It doesn't work that way…especially when you're not really who I want you to be.
"What do you think?"
I kept the link open, wide and he did the same. I could feel his anger, his hate…I'm sure he felt the same…there was something else though…something I could not place under it all. A kind of serenity in the whirlwind of loathing. Something just beneath the surface, a knowledge I could not place…. Uncertainty coiled in my belly, adrenalin spurted through my veins.
"I think you're a liar, but that's nothing new is it?" he walked toward me. "Who do you really think you're fooling, Yami? It sure as hell isn't me. What's the
matter, can't face the truth?"
"Shut it. I can face the truth just fine. You're not Ryou. You may look like him, hell you even feel the same…but you're not him and you never will be."
"No, I'm not 'your' Ryou – in any since of the word. But I am your Hikari," his nose wrinkled, his tone one of disgust at the mere admission, "unfortunate though that may be. I am not the Ryou I was in my last life by your side. I am different. I am in a sense some one else entirely…I was someone else before YOU came along. You and your STUPID MEMORIES AND YOUR RING!"
"I DIDN'T ASK YOU TO PUT THE DAMN THING ON DID I?!"I shot back.
He laughed then. A loud laugh that was accompanied by a slight drizzle from the heavens above. Mist rose from the ground, the wind struck blindly against my face. My hair flew in every direction, slapping my skin like tiny whips. Ryou's did the same. Funny, he nearly looked intimidating like that.
"Yes, you did. You wanted your freedom back so badly you could taste
it. That…and you knew I was the reincarnation of him." His voice dropped to an accusing whisper,"You had to bind me back to you. It's easy to live without something until you know what a touch of completion is!"
His voice rose, a cold fury coating the words, "And now…because of YOU I can't sort myself from what he was! And YOU! You have the balls to stand there and act all," his voice rose to a high pitch, mockery dripped like acid, "'poor pitiful me, I did it because he's not the real Ryou,'" he scoffed, his voice going deadpan. "But that isn't the truth, is it, Yami?" he stressed the title, adding a sneering mock respect as I did when I said 'pharaoh' to Yugioh.
I straightened, lifting my chin in defiance; he could not hurt me if he tried.
"What you think isn't worth jack shit to me Hikari. You did this – not me."
I dress her up and she knocks me down
I dress her up and she knocks me down
They try her on for size
She fits nice, one size fits all
They try her on for size
She fits nice, one size fits all
He growled, his voice dropping to that of a conspirator and I felt my very skin crawl at the ominous waves that rushed from it. But I was not afraid…I'm not afraid…not of him…never of him…he can do nothing…nothing…nothing at all…why was my breath catching? What was this feeling that lifted through me, that made my heart pound like an enraged drum?
"You couldn't stand it, could you? You had what you wanted. You had peace with 'your Ryou'. I can see everything in your mind, Yami…just as you can see into mine. I know what you thought and felt. I know what you feel now, though you deny it. You did it because you couldn't stand the thought of a life without fighting, without your precious goddamn chaos. You need it, more then anything. You need your suffering, you need your pain and you need mine to feel alive. Without it you're nothing. NOTHING."
Choking…falling…hot…so hot…how could he know what I would even hide from myself? I didn't…wouldn't…no…no, he's wrong. He has to be! I'm not that shallow…am I?
"And, just why do I need it so badly, Hikari?"
Was that my rasping voice?
I awaited his answer with my heart in my throat.
"Because…it's what you love. You thought you wanted peace, a life with just 'me' and no problems attached. Just…sanctuary forever. Happiness. But that isn't what you wanted at all, is it?! You hate perfection…and in a sense that what we had. We were living the perfect life and then, THEN, right when you thought you were going to fucking SNAP from all the lack of chaos you so love…you got the perfect opportunity on a golden platter."
His laughter rang around me, empty and cold. Leaving me trembling inside, ready to collapse in its merciless wake.
"Anzu…little spiteful, 'have to have it all' bitch Anzu. How alike you and she are. Maybe that's why you choose her. But not the full reason. And you took it because you were afraid of what we could have had. Because you wanted me to fight, you wanted everyone to fight…and maybe on some level you thought it would bring 'your Ryou' back. You helped form him with pain…why wouldn't it work twice?"
His head lifted, hands spreading out as an expression of both pain…and pride. I could feel myself crumbling, wanted to run…to run from this…from a truth I had refused to even voice within myself…
"But you were wrong. 'Your Ryou' as you so nobly think of him, not a as a person, but a THING –something you could use and discard at will-, is not me…we are one…but not the same…much like you and I, Yami dearest. And he…I would have forgiven you then. I would have given ANYTHING to be with you. But you didn't want me then, and you don't want me now. Not really. So I'll save you the trouble of existing Yami. I'll end it for you…and for me. How's that?"
He was right.
I knew he was right.
When all the illusion is stripped bare…he was completely right. I hated the perfection we had generated together. I despised it, and because of that I destroyed it. Oh, I tried to fool myself…but I couldn't…I didn't. Not really.
It had all been an excuse…all of it just an elaborate excuse to distance myself from him…from what we'd shared. Dice it any way you like…but in a way I had enjoyed it. I loved the pain. I reveled in it; it was a part of who I was…who I would always be. Ryou understood that once upon a time.
"End it all? HAHAHA! Hikari…do you really think you can end it? Go ahead. Throw yourself off this building and when you go back to the real world repeat it with the Domino Bridge…what do you think it's going to change, Hikari?" I mocked, "I always come back. 'Evil never dies', remember? Those are your thoughts. And you will find me again. Maybe not in another hundred years…maybe not for another five thousand…but you will. You know you will. You're tied to me…and even if you're not 'my Ryou' you are joined to my soul…just how do you plan to sever that bond?"
"I don't have to sever it. And I wouldn't do you the satisfaction of suicide, Yami."
I smirked. If nothing else…my fears had made him strong like I wanted. He will not bend…he will not break. With all my failures…I am redeemed with the fact that I've prepared him for the world.
Glistening eyes, bright and cruel with their beauty burned into my own. He swaggered over to me. Rain poured down. How symbolic, dear Hikari. It soaked us, it took me a moment to realize that it wasn't normal rain that my Hikari had made fall in soul room, or what his emotions had caused at least.
It was blood.
Brilliant and warm it splattered across my flesh and soaked the black silk shirt I wore…along with my pants. Red rain…how poetic. Ryou's hair had fast turned crimson, and matted to his face. His full lips were pulled back in a snarl, his hands clinching into helpless fists as he stopped in front of me.
SLAP!
Watch the blood run down her face
But don't take notice
And watch the blood run down her arms
Please don't take notice
I didn't even register the pain of the blow, not really, though a tingling sensation up my jaw told me it should've hurt. A metallic taste filled my mouth.
"You hit like a girl, Heee-karr-ee," I drawled.
And punched the son of a bitch in the nose.
A fresh new fountain of red spurted down from his nose and he stumbled back…but did not fall. I was surprised. His eyes glistened with tears from pain, but they did not fall. This wasn't reality. This was in our head. The only pain you could feel was a memory of it…my doppelganger Hikari obviously hasn't let go of such mortal limitations. A pity.
I felt avenged then, alive. It was as he said. It did make me feel alive, in ways our love had not. It burned in my veins, this poison paradise I slipped back into. I had regretted before the lessons I'd taught 'my Ryou'. His forgiveness then had been a godsend…I loved him for that. His forgiveness, his purity…his resonant strength and weakness…He was flawed, but he was my flawed angel and I loved him for it. I loved him because he was not like Malik or like Yuugi. Neither insane nor gushing with utter naiveté and innocence… 'my Ryou' had been in a league of his very own…
But this was not my Hikari…not as he once was…and the one that I did want back. Yes, I'd hated our perfection together…but I think it could have been real, in ways it could never be now, if 'my Ryou' from before had not died. I could not replace him…even with himself in a sense.
I cannot accept this other half. I cannot…I tried and failed. Or maybe my dark nature was too much for me to resist. I don't know, and to be honest I don't really give a damn.
Anger. Hatred. Fear. Pain.
I knew none of them.
I felt nothing. I was nothing. I was an empty slate in that very moment. It was invigorating.
"You'll never change, Yami will you? What, are we going to repeat this every fucking life time?! Are we?! NO! I REFUSE!"
His voice echoed, the defiant scream rumbled through the very air. Sizzling. Destroying. Hating and loving me all at the same time…just as I did him.
"What you want is irrelevant, Hikari."
"Oh, and what you want really means a damn?"
"Yes."
"And why's that?"
I shrugged. What did any of it really matter? It was over. Anzu was dead. Weren't we supposed to make up and get all gooey lovey and all that mushy stuff? Weren't we suppose to be all 'oh, it was the spell, I didn't mean it…let's be together forever' bla, bla, bla.
"No, it's not that fucking simple, Yami, as you well know."
I raised my wall, feeling him do the same. Baka child. Looks like he actually got a mouth on him while living with Malik n' Marik. This will have to be corrected of course.
"No, then what should we do then little Hikari?
"I don't know, my feelings don't matter remember?" he sneered.
I chuckled, "Glad you're finally catching on Hikari."
"Screw you."
"You wish."
"No, you wish..."
Was that a blush or a trick of the crimson that was still raining down?
I paused.
"We belong together, Ryou. Whether we like it or not. You can't change that any more then I can."
"Says who?"
"Says fate, shit if I know. Who ever screwed up and slapped our souls together that's who! You belong here with me."
He growled. The sound bounced off my mind, feral and angry. Such fury. Vague amusement trickled through me like drops of icy water. Absurd…
"Y'know…when I was 'your Ryou,' I'd of moved heaven and earth to hear that. Y'know what it means to me now?"
I didn't answer. I felt the answer deep inside.
"Nothing," he said slowly, savagely. "This is not where I belong any more, Yami. You couldn't accept what we had…what we would have had. Maybe I'm not your Ryou…but I'm as close as you'll ever get. But that doesn't matter. Because I'm not yours any more then he's yours any more. It's over. We're over. You made that very clear."
"Things change."
"Not this. I will NEVER FORGIVE YOU."
The words held finality to it, more so then the way he looked at me, his jaw set so determinedly. This was not 'my Ryou' nor another Ryou…but something else…someone else shining so very clear…or had it always been there and I refused to see it? His skin pinked beneath the blood rain, it ran over him turning him a Christmas red. There we stood. Yami and Hikari…more alike then we were ever meant to be. Betrayal loomed between us, a gap I couldn't cross…nor would I.
I know you have her soul
And see it in your eyes
She knows you have her soul
And she sees it in your…eyes
Now her soul is dead
Now her body's raw
Wash away her pain
I hissed. The rain had become hot. Burning. Seeping through my flesh. The sight did something to me. Blood had always filled me with a lust for more, a near insane rush that boiled through my very being…it was an intoxicating feeling....
I saw the blood of Ryou on my hands. My Ryou…and the one before me. Of Marik, Malik, Yuugi, the Pharaoh…and Anzu though I didn't really give a damn about that bitch.
And…I felt it. I felt guilt swell inside me. I'd ripped them all apart. I'd torn Ryou apart…even if he wasn't my Ryou from before…I'd destroyed him all the same. Why? Because he couldn't live up to the memory? Because every time I watched him I'd compare him to whom he was before...?
I swallowed hard. What had I done really? Ryou was devoted to me, unconditional love was all that I'd always strove for…and I'd thrown it away. I'd thrown it all away.
How stupid can I be?
I gritted my teeth.
Too late for promises, to late for "I'm sorry." It's all too little, too late.
The air rose in a mist around me. A red, roughly dyed mist. And Ryou stood there, his nose against mine, breath cold on my face. He was right. All of it…but I didn't want to accept it. Didn't want to feel the blame that so heavily rested on my shoulders...
I didn't care, not really…what I did feel…wasn't and never would be enough…I couldn't stop comparing, couldn't stop wanting. Whenever I get one thing I have to have the other, it's simply in my nature. Undeniable…unbeatable. I am slave to no one but my one ambition. My greatest strength… and my greatest weakness.
I can't make up my mind what I want anymore. I don't know, I JUST DON'T KNOW!
I closed my eyes and wrenched myself from his grasp, from his mind and sealed myself off: out of it. Regaining my false form, I opened my eyes.
Still in Anzu's apartment. I grimaced. I'd tarred here too long. Someone was bound to have either heard her screams or mine earlier. I'm not in the mood to deal with human law enforcement.
I rose slowly, my body stiff.
Squish, squish, squish, the carpet went as I rose. I glanced over farther in the room to see her mangled corpse. She hadn't been dead all that long, meaning I hadn't been out of it too long.
Squish…Squish…squish…
Amazing…some of her is still dripping. You'd think Marik would have drained her dry. Another body dead for my desires. Did it really matter? No, not at all. I take what I want, that's who and what I was. It was in my nature to take and discard without any thought of consequence. Besides…some would find it an honor to be killed by someone who had enough time to hate you so much.
I chuckled at that, turning and looking out the window. Her window was actually pretty high…enough to break the bones of a normal person. But I wasn't normal nor a person…not any more. Besides, walking out her door looking like I had just killed the wench wasn't the best of ideas. I look too much like Ryou…wouldn't want him to be blamed for murder. Not to mention all the dried blood on the goals. If that didn't paint a bulls eye on my back I didn't know what would. Mortals are stupid, ignorant people…but even their attention would be drawn if I left looking like that…
I smirked then. Amusing thought. My Hikari…framed for murder all because little Marik couldn't keep his control. I licked my lips. It was an intriguing thought. Why not? I do love chaos…would it be so bad to…give a little nudge to add a bit more? Besides…the look Marik's face would be priceless…to think he'd destroyed the life of the one he seemed to love so much.
I felt my lips lift in a snarl. My Hikari. MINE GOD DAMNIT!
And I will not allow what he has done to go without consequence…I will teach him to interfere…
That thought in mind I walked to the door with a determination burning through me. I threw it open loudly, letting it bang against the wood. And with that I swaggered down the hallway with a smirk on my face, running my hand against the wall to leave a crimson trail from her room.
I stopped in front of the elevator doors, shifting my weight onto one
leg as I pressed the button to call the mortal device. How lazy this generation of life has become. Too frail to walk down a flight of stairs…I snorted. Their 'evolved way of working' would not last a moment in the ancient world. Pathetic vermin.
Ding!
I smirked at the sight before me as the doors opened. A small stature of a man stood before me dressed in dark blue pajamas and a gray robe that barely reached his shins. Thinning gray hair at the temples that instantly became matted with sweat, little beady blue eyes that were far to close together, long narrow hawk-like nose, bottom lip fuller then the top giving the appearance of a rubber band stretched over a water melon.
A small gasp escaped his chattering chest, lips -- or should I say 'lip'? -- stretched across a mouth still packed with all its teeth, clutching to his thin chest the handle to the black leash that held his whimpering little dog to his side. It stared up at me, a half hearted growl escaped its throat and turned to a whimper at the end when it noticed my gaze upon it. A man's animal can usually classically display what its owner's courage amounts to. Or lack thereof.
"Move."
My command was meet with instant compliance as he slouched over to the far wall, hands shaking, wrinkly old face pale, misshapen lips flapping open with every wheezed breath. His beady little eyes shone with light as they looked from me to down the hall and my glistening red hands.
I knew the look that passed over his face, and it filled me with a sick satisfaction. I loved it. In this moment, I was powerful again. I was Yami no Bakura reborn. No longer the fucking sissy I had been, but…something else. Some one else. And it was intoxicating.
His look, it plainly said: 'please don't kill me'. It was a mark of my godlike superiority over him. I glided past him, stepping into the metallic contraption and hitting the number that would take me to the lobby. As the door closed I watched the old man's legs fail him and his quick decent to the ground. I heard the subdued 'thump' through the metal doors and could not conceal the mad cackle that escaped my throat.
I left the building with ease, encountering no resistance. Not that it would've posed a threat either way. This week should be fun if my plan goes right.
And I laughed, tossing any regret…any care…any emotion but the malicious amusement I felt into the backseat of my mind. There would be time later to break, to moan over what was lost and what could have been…to rage against fate for the hand it had dealt…
But for now…for now I was safe inside this cocoon of hatred and fury…of this rush of power that filled me to the brim. Safe from all those accusations, from the pang inside from a mere memory…and of something that I couldn't…just couldn't bring myself to do again. Ryou was then…and this reincarnation is mortal as well. He will die. Eventually. And I will be back in the Ring. Fine. But I'm not repeating past mistakes…or past longings. That time is over. A new game has begun and I've made my move…time to wait for my opponent's.
I had jumped empty-handed into the void…where I would be left I no longer knew…nor to be honest cared.
She wants you to eat her pain
She wants you to eat her remains
She wants you to eat her pain
She wants you to eat her remains