You guys have no idea how long I had been wanting to do a remake of my original Being a Girl is Hard, which was written six years ago. Finally, something to get done! If you haven't read the old version, don't even bother. This one is going to definitely stray away from the original. Enjoy and let me know what you think! If you have read the old version, let me know if you think this one is better!

Chapter One

It was dark in the pit that Ed had fallen into. He could clearly see ruins in the abyss he stood in, as well as a red liquid all around him. When he walked, there was a slush that followed, echoing in the abyss.

Trying to walk in the mess of water, Ed then fell down to the ground. He sputtered the foul tasting liquid that had found its way into his mouth during the fall, pulling himself to a standing position to discover his chest felt much looser than before.

Ed sighed; his ace bandages must have fallen off. For years, Ed had been living with a terrible secret – he was really a girl. No one knew except his family and friends – which included Alphonse, his father, Winry, and Pinako. The bandages were lost in the water below, leaving Ed's breasts loose.

Ed was born as Edelle Elric, later changing her name to Edward Elric just before she had applied for the State Alchemy exam at twelve years old. It hadn't been easy, but with Pinako signing as her legal guardian, she was able to change it. It wasn't like Mustang thought she was a girl – he saw her bare chested and still thought she was a boy despite the fact that her hair was nearly down to her shoulders. When Edelle had begun to go through puberty and develop breasts, she resorted to strapping her breasts down with an ace bandage. It was awkward at first, but she grew used to it.

"Hello?" Ed called throughout the emptiness. He had perfected his voice throughout the years, always speaking deeper than usual. It seemed almost natural now. "Can anyone hear me? Hello! Anybody! What the hell is this place?!"

"Dammit!" Ed groaned. "IT'S LING'S FAULT! THAT IDIOT PRINCE!"

"Who do you think you are to call me that?!" Ling's voice shouted through. Ed quickly turned to see the Xingese prince standing before him holding a torch. Of course he had a torch with him.

"Ling!" Ed exclaimed, shocked that they had found each other.

"You can't call the future emperor of a nation an idiot," Ling said with a frown as Ed ran over to him. The teen frowned at his breasts bouncing softly as he ran. They weren't very large, but he was used to them being pinned down.

"Are you all right?" Ed asked as he reached the prince. Ed then froze. "Hold on…"

"What's wrong?" Ling asked.

"How do I know you're not Envy in disguise?" Ed asked, pointing at the other.

"Oh come on," Ling groaned. "Do you want me to recite the hotel room service menu from top to bottom?"

Ed couldn't fault him there. "All right; you're Ling."

"And what about you?" Ling asked. "How do I know you're not Envy, you little runt?"

Ed couldn't contain herself, leaping at the prince as she shouted, "WHO ARE YOU CALLING A LITTLE RUNT, YOU JERK?!"

"Okay, it's really you," Ling said as he dodged Ed's attacks with only his hand.

"How did we get here?" Ed asked after he had calmed down.

"The last thing I remember…" Ling trailed off, losing himself in thought for a moment. "Gluttony swallowed us whole."

"So you think this cavernous void is the inside of Gluttony's stomach?" Ed asked, raising an eyebrow. It was a bit farfetched. Gluttony was big, but he wasn't that big.

"Most likely," Ling said. "Look, there." Ling turned the torch he was holding toward a piece of a house that was beside them.

"How the hell are we going to get out of here?" Ed asked. "I mean, if we're in Gluttony's stomach, there's got to be an exit somewhere…"

"I'd prefer not to think of that kind of exit," a voice behind them spoke. The two quickly turned to see Envy behind them.

"Envy?" Ed asked. "I didn't know you had gotten caught in the crossfire."

"You idiots pulled me in with you when Gluttony decided to take you inside of him!" Envy exclaimed. "Now because of pipsqueak and the Xingese, I'm stuck here forever."

"PIPSQUEAK?!"

"Do you mean there's no exit?" Ling asked.

"Of course I mean that!" Envy answered. "One way in and no way out. At least you morons get to die in here. I'm stuck for good."

"We're not gonna die here!" Ed exclaimed suddenly. "There has to be a way out." She needed to get out and get Alphonse back to normal. It wasn't like she could just abandon him this deep into their journey. "And I'm gonna find it."

"What's a girl like you gonna do about it?" Envy asked with a cheeky grin.

"What?" Ling asked suddenly, snapping his head from Envy to Ed in an instant, who quickly turned away. Had her shirt been that tight on her chest? She was sure she could keep them from noticing if she had hunched over a bit.

"What's the point of hiding it, squirt?" Envy asked. He was still toying with Ed and the fact that she wanted to keep it a secret. "I mean, we're going to die here, remember?"

"We're not gonna die!" Ed exclaimed once more. "I told you we're not gonna die and I meant it."

"What's he talking about, Ed?" Ling asked. "You're not a girl…" So she could keep it a secret from Ling but not Envy?

"Oh don't worry, pipsqueak, you're hiding plenty," Envy said, seemingly reading Ed's thoughts. "It's just that us homunculi have been watching you for a long time. Since you were just a tiny thing. Well…tinier."

Ed could hardly even register the insults to her height. She was preoccupied with what she was going to do about saving their lives and keeping Ling from sprouting his mouth to everyone. And just how the hell did Envy know about her true identity?

"We used to follow you around. Such a great lead to the stone, you see," Envy explained. "You're still one of our sacrifices. On our list until you lose your abilities for alchemy or you croak. I guess that's about now."

"Shut up," Ed spoke quietly.

"All the homunculi know about you," Envy said. "Even the Furher."

"Even him…?" Ed asked. "Why would he have let me lie on my application to be a State Alchemist if he already knew?!"

"Ask him," Envy said. "I think it's because he wanted to make sure we wouldn't scare you away. We needed you to pursue the stone."

"Wait, this is true?" Ling asked with wide eyes. Ed didn't know he could open them that wide. "You're a girl?"

"Well…" Ed trailed off. "Technically."

"Little Edelle Elric," Envy crooned.

"I will fucking punch you," Ed threatened.

"Were you going to tell me?" Ling asked in an offended tone.

"Why would I tell you?" Ed asked. "This is my secret to keep. Not even Mustang knows; just Al, my granny, and my mechanic. I wasn't planning on telling anyone."

"So you were just going to live your life as a boy?" Ling asked.

"Well…yeah," Ed said. "I was always more tomboyish. I felt awkward being like other girls. I'm more comfortable as Ed."

"What about marriage? A husband? Children?" Ling shot out the questions faster than Ed could process them.

"How is that any of your business?" Ed asked. "Right now, my job is getting Alphonse back to his body. That's what comes first. None of this marriage and kids bullshit. That's not my job."

"But eventually you'll have to be who you really are!" Ling exclaimed.

"No I won't!" Ed shouted back. "Now let me fucking think to get us out of here before we all die!" She snapped to Envy. "And fuck you for telling him."

"Hey, I kept your secret so far," Envy said with a shrug. Oh, how he enjoyed manipulating humans. They had so many emotions that rushed through them and so many opinions. Ed was one he enjoyed playing with the most. The kid was so confused about her life. Just fun to torture.

"Shut up so I can think," Ed said.