16 days after the events of Red vs. Blue vs. Green, onboard UNSC Infinity

"…Is it done yet?" Tucker asked, tapping his foot impatiently.

"No, it's not done yet," Dr. Halsey said. She was currently tinkering with the teal sim-trooper's helmet so he could communicate with the Sangheili on board, but his incessant prodding was almost too much. She looked up at the Master Chief, who stood by the Stein's Child unit. "You had to put up with this for thirty whole hours?"

"On and off," he answered, "but yes."

She sighed. "I feel so bad for putting you through that."

"Yeah, yeah," Tucker said, "just fix my helmet."

"What's got your panties in a bunch?" Church asked, projecting next to his comrade.

"I keep trying to make nice with the aliens, but I'm saying shit wrong. I'm pretty sure one guy cussed me out when I went 'blaarg honk.' That's 'hello,' isn't it?"

"Fuck, I don't know. Why're you asking me how to speak alien?"

"Because you're right here. And you're a computer."

Dr. Halsey shook her head. Thirty hours, she thought, I'm on my last nerve speaking with them for thirty minutes! Poor John… She looked at the Stein's Child pod, which the Chief was currently standing by. "Do you plan to use that, Cortana?"

The AI in question appeared on the pedestal next to Halsey. "I haven't decided yet," she debated. "I liked being human, but I also like the freedom of movement I get from being in the ship."

"Well, why don't we build me a body?" Church offered. "I threw my old one away in Freelancer HQ, but now I kinda miss it."

Halsey began to shake her head, but then began to ponder. "Could we do that?"

"Theoretically," Delta appeared next to Church. "Assuming our scan results are accurate, we could collect the required materials to construct a body using the appropriate device. Alpha-Epsilon will probably request a significantly more masculine body, but Gamma and Theta seem to want to find out what he would look like as a female." He looked at Church. "Personally, I am curious to see if the unit will even be capable of manufacturing a completely new body. I suppose we will know when and if it works." On that note, he disappeared back into Alpha's collective conscious.

Church looked back at Halsey. "So?"

The professor scratched her chin. "If we can gather the necessary components, we could model it after Dr. Church -"

"No." He interrupted, irritatedly crossing his arms. "I'm not gonna be modeled after that bastard a second time. Can't we make one from scratch?"

"Quite possibly. We'd still require a hair sample, a Petri dish of skin cells, and time to map a brand new face. I would also need to be certain the unit can even make male bodies; it was intended specifically for Cortana's use."

"So it'll be a while," Cortana summarized. "In the meantime, feel free to explore the ship; just keep in mind that certain areas are strictly prohibited."

"How strict?" Tucker asked.

"Let me put it to you this way: if you attempt to force your way into the cockpit, brig, engine room, or core room, you'd have a better chance of living through a fight with Chief here."

"Very strict," Church simplified with a nod. "Got it."

"Have fun."

"And Private Tucker," Halsey tossed him his finished helmet. "Don't say anything you'll regret."

/-/

"So brig, cockpit, engine, core," Church repeated as Tucker strode through the ship. "We know what's in the brig; we can imagine what the cockpit is like; the only places we can't go that would be an issue are the core and engine rooms."

"Big deal," Tucker said. "Tell me to stay out of the women's quarters; then I'll be upset I can't go there."

"Tucker, that's kind of implied. Don't even try it."

"Cortana said 'explore the ship,' so I'm gonna explore. Follow somebody else if you don't wanna come with."

"Shit! That reminds me: I gotta babysit Caboose and make sure he doesn't kill anyone." Tucker almost questioned that statement, but thought better of it given Caboose's track record. "Talk to you later."

"Later."

So, with Church now gone, Tucker began his expedition through the ship. He walked for several hours, still unsure of whether to talk to the resident aliens or their leader, the Arbiter, and finally found himself standing behind a group of marines. "What's going on?"

"Had a breach in security a couple of weeks ago," one said. Tucker hadn't bothered learning anyone's names, seeing as he didn't really associate with them. "Higher-ups are trying to figure out who did it."

"Sounds like they suspect you guys."

"If something goes wrong, it's always either us or the Elites. Either way, someone's going in the brig."

"That's bullshit."

"You're preaching to the choir," another spoke.

"Yeah," said a third, "and with so many of us away from our posts for this stupid examination, a lot of areas suddenly become vulnerable. Take the guy near the front, Jones; while they're questioning him, nobody's covering the core room. And while Jackson's here, the pilots have no one outside."

"What about you? What would you be doing normally by now?"

"I'm usually the guy who covers for Jones, but they dragged me over here too. And since I don't have a backup guy either, that shit's wide open."

"…Wait… The core room is open right now?"

"Yeah." He pointed at Tucker. "Don't think about going in there."

"I gotta go!" Tucker ran back the way he came with the marine shouting after him. Shit, he thought. You guys don't have to worry about me, but I came here with someone you should.

/-/

"Thanks, Simmons," Washington said once his armor had a solid coat of cobalt paint, "But tell me again why we're doing this?"

"Well, officially, Agent Washington is a Freelancer," Simmons pointed out, setting his airbrush down. "That means that you'd have to be kept in the brig if you were still Washington."

"But I am Washington," the ex agent argued.

"In a sense. However, you want to be as free as Tex is to roam about the ship. Thus, we can abuse a technicality in Cortana's reports."

"And that is?"

"Well, when she arrived with the Master Chief, she reportedly had psychological profiles on all of us, and a list of our names and ranks. According to the report, there are four Reds, three Blues, two robots, a medic, a jeep, and a tank. It would be awfully suspicious if any of those numbers change for reasons unknown, right?"

"Right. I still don't fully understand, though."

"It's like this: Since Church ditched his body on the Mother of Invention, Blue Team would have been short one member. You don't want to be in prison for the rest of your life, and Cortana's reports don't need to be inaccurate, so you're going to have to play Church for a while."

"Think of it like this," Cortana said, appearing on the projector by the door, "We'll be doing each other a favor this way."

Tucker burst through the door wheezing. He put his hands on his knees, trying to catch his breath. "Tucker?" Simmons asked. "What's going on?"

The aqua soldier put up a finger before composing himself to the best of his ability. "Where's -" He stopped, looking dumbfounded at Wash. "…Why is he blue?"

"To make a long story short, he's incognito."

"Whatever. Where's Caboose?" Everyone in the room shrugged. "Oh my fucking god…" He turned on Cortana's pedestal. "Can't you find him?"

"Relax, Tucker," she said. "I'm sure he won't get into any trouble."

"I'm not worried about him getting himself into trouble."

/-/

Caboose walked quietly through the Infinity's main corridor, humming a song he couldn't quite remember the words to. He didn't really know where the hall led, nor did he know where the ship was going. All the blue sim-trooper had on his mind were two things: I have to go to the bathroom, and Twinkle, twinkle, e-f-g, how I wonder a-b-c.

It wasn't too long before he came to the end of the hallway, finding a door with words on it. "Cu…" he read, "Cu… Cor-ee Ruh-ohm - Room! Corey Room… Well, I hope Corey's room also has a bathroom." He entered, finding a large chamber with an equally big pulsating white-blue thing with cables linked up to it. "…Corey has a fancy toilet," Caboose mused, approaching the giant cylinder.

/-/

[Error] the readout said to the pilot's right, [Core Anomaly].

"Huh?" He tapped the screen in confusion. "What the actual -?"

It was about then the alarm sounded throughout the ship. "What's going on?" Commander Lasky asked.

"I'm not sure, sir, but ah… according to this, we're about to enter slipspace."

"Why?!"

"I don't know; it's out of my control!"

"Then get it under control!"

/-/

"…Hm?"

"What is it, Cortana?" Dr. Halsey asked.

"We've just entered slipspace," she relayed curiously.

"Why?" Chief asked. "Last time I checked, we were almost to our destination."

Cortana's avatar shrugged. "Your guess is as good as mine. There's an anomaly in the core room; that might be what caused it."

/-/

"Caboose!"

"Gah!" Caboose stumbled backward at the sudden sound of Church's voice, causing him to expel more urine.

"Why are you in the core room?" he asked. After a moment of nearly-dead silence, he finally realized the answer to his question. "Oh fuck. Caboose, do you have any idea what you just did?"

"A number one."

"All units, brace for slipspace exit in T-minus 13 seconds," said the commander's voice over the intercom. "And somebody clear out the core room when we're out!"

/-/

The ship shuddered slightly as it exited slipspace. Below the Infinity now sat a terrestrial planet that vaguely resembled Earth. Bits of meteoroid dotted the orbit around the body, and many areas of the surface below were stained ink-black. "Cortana," Lasky asked, "where are we?"

Cortana appeared on the pedestal behind the pilot's seat. "Currently, we're somewhere in space, orbiting a terrestrial body one-point-one-six times the size of Earth. A quick scan just a moment ago revealed that the atmosphere is 63% nitrogen and 34% oxygen, with traces of others mixed in - primarily water vapor and ozone." She paused giving the surface of the unknown globe a sweep. "Surface is roughly 28% land mass with abundant plant life. Basic results don't show any intelligent life, but I'm still working."

"That was fast."

"I might have had a head start on the primary scan." Another pause. "…What in the…?"

"What is it?"

"…We're being pinged. Something, or someone, on the surface sees us. They're using a long-range radar system like humans had in the early 2000s."

Lasky began to think. "Can you open a hailing frequency?"

"I can try." Cortana shot a few scattered broadcasts to the planet's surface. "Unidentified planet, this is United Nations Security Council Infinity. If you are receiving this message, we come in peace. Please respond."

She attempted several more times, sending the signal to other locations across the planet. Minutes passed before a weak response returned on the seventeenth try. "Unit-. . . Infinity . . ."

"We have contact!"

Cortana severed the remaining broadcasts to focus on the one that was working. She repeated the message. ". . . Read you, Infini- . . . -eral Ironwood. What is your agenda? Over."

"This is UNSC Commander Lasky. Our ship had a malfunction and we need to land for repairs. We come in peace, I repeat, we come in peace. Over."

"…Roger, Comm-. . . You're clear. Und. . .nd that we will not hesitate to fight ba-. . . ou try anything. Over and out."

The transmission severed, and Lasky sighed. "Well, that was awfully convenient."

"Who would've thought we'd find an English-speaking planet all the way outside of human space?" Cortana said. "Chief and I are gonna greet the locals. You want to come?"

"I have nothing better to do. Besides, it's only customary I greet this 'Ironwood' person. Pilot, bring us in on those coordinates."

/-/

"No."

"Come on, Chief."

"I said no." The Spartan's arms were crossed as he continued to refuse. "I'm not going to set foot in unknown territory without my armor."

"I put together a whole body just so I don't raise eyebrows," she complained, gesturing to the fresh pair of legs under her. "What will they think if you come out looking like you're ready to conquer the world?" He remained silent in his resolve, forcing a sigh out of Cortana. "Fine, just stay on the ship, then."

He shook his head. "I'm not letting you leave alone, either. Especially with the Blood Gulchers."

"Then take off the armor."

"I already said no."

"Hey, why doesn't he just wear the inner layer?" Church suggested. "It'll save time, it's durable, and we can fuckin' go already!"

Cortana paused. "…That hadn't occurred to me." She turned to Chief. "Is that okay?"

A hard thirty seconds went by before Chief slacked his arms. "I'm taking my rifle with me."

"Pistol. Remember that talk about conquering the world?"

"Then I'm taking a knife too."

"Fine," Tucker said, "whatever, let's just go! I'm starting to feel claustrophobic with all of us in this little lab."

/-/

With Chief and the others no longer in their heavy armor, the Infinity landed haphazardly in the very clearly non-UNSC dock where the signal had roughly originated.

At the bottom of the ramp, a young girl about half a head shorter than Cortana's latest body greeted them. "Salutations!" she waved enthusiastically. Assuming she was one of the planet's predominant occupants, Cortana began a quick analysis: Starting from the top, the girl had mid-long, curled red-orange hair tied at the back with a pink bow. Her eyes were vivid green, and she had an array of freckles across pale cheeks. She wore a short, light tan dress with a black-and-green collar and matching stockings. All in all, she looked in every way like a human girl. "We don't get many visitors here; especially not from space."

"I don't guess you're Ironwood?" Lasky joked.

The girl shook her head. "General Ironwood is off-site at the moment, but he was on his way when he called six minutes and fifty-two seconds ago. He made sure I promised to be accomodating in his absence so, if you like, I can answer any questions you have while we wait for him."